/r/DnDcirclejerk

Photograph via snooOG

A subreddit for "it's what my character would do" people.

/r/DnDcirclejerk

12,747 Subscribers

14

Player at the table wants to literally kill me. Am I the asshole?

Hi, Im running a game and one of our players has some odd political opinions that I find a bit frustrating. He's clearly a rampant mysoginist and makes very weird comments about female NPCs ingame, though he keeps most of this out of the game, fortunately. It's just kinda annoying.

The more frustrating thing is that I am personally queer, while he wishes death upon every single gay person on the planet as per his twitter bio. He hasn't brought his gun to the table yet (routinely brags about being a good shot tho), but does make comments about any gay people in the campaign being [slur], which is just... sorta frustrating? I've told them I'm gay and they were like "haha, uhhh... that was a joke, uh, no politics at the table?"

I'm just like, am I allowed to remove a man actively desiring my death from my table because I personally disagree with them even if my friends didn't complain?

5 Comments
2023/09/27
20:09 UTC

119

Am I being irrational for wanting to leave a table where I'm being bullied?

I am playing a paladin at a table. I've watched a lot of critical roll so I know the rules really well. I took the lucky feat and I'm being bullied for it. I also get bullied for having more hp (I'm a marshall). I like to use divine smite to do more damage (RAW feature) but it also causes me to get bullied. I also picked up GWM and am also bullied for it. They think it's overpowered, but another player has given himself max stats and every feat in the game (can't have by level 8) and he's not overpowered? I've talked to the DM about how I don't like being bullied but he keeps forgetting (clinical memory issues). I'm the only one who takes notes even though I've asked other people to take notes. I got bullied for doing things in combat like attacking enemies or healing myself (since other players are not able to do this). A caster at the table casts spells and ignores component costs because they want their caster to have the power of MARSHALLS. I bring up how I don't like to be bullied to the DM every few hours but they always forget (memory issues) so they and other players keep bullying me and it MUST be because they keep forgetting I don't like getting bullied.

This is the only table I have access to because dnd is such a rare hobby so I sort of have to keep playing even though I do all the work of remembering what happened last game and keep getting bullied. I used to like playing but now that I'm getting bullied and harassed for trying to play I am starting to consider not playing. Any advice on how to handle the situation (bullying) going forward in my next game?

29 Comments
2023/09/27
16:52 UTC

17

Minor Rules Change

Hello everyone! We have decided to remove what was previously rule 6 (Don’t just copy and paste posts from other subreddits). Sometimes a jerk is best left as is, and we don’t want to have to remove something that is funny and in the spirit of the sub just because of this rule. In the past, we have let a couple slide if they were “good enough,” so this rules change is just to be more consistent and clear.

That being said, we are going to be monitoring things and if we see a rise in low effort content, we will go back to the rule. For the first little bit we’ll consider it an experiment, and if it goes well we’ll probably just leave the rule off.

If you have any questions/comments, feel free to discuss here or message the mods!

5 Comments
2023/09/27
16:51 UTC

35

But I don't want or need a mythical fighter with super powers, so stop trying to force it on me.

What if I just want to be a mundane fighter.

My fighter doesn't need all your mythical & mystical pretence and tosser mage like spell abilities.

I just want to be tough. Is that to much to ask?

Is it?

If I want to go up I don't need some levitating wanker on a tatami mat or teleporting meditation ceremony. I'll use a ROPE!

If I want to go down I'll use another rope.

If I want to fall gently to the ground I'll use a parachute.

If I want something to burn I'll set fire to it.

If I want someone to fall asleep I'll wack them on the head.

I'd I want someone to fall ill I'll poison the well.

If I want someone to fall over I'll shove them.

If I want to see something that's invisible I'll throw chalk in the air.

If I want to not be seen I'll hide behind something.

If I want silence I'll shut the fuck up.

If I want to see the future I'll wait.

If I want to control someone's mind I'll treat persuasion like it's mind control.

If I want someone to die I'll stab them.

If I want to inflict pain I'll twist your tittys.

If I want to control an animal I'll tame it.

If I want something to fly through the air I'll throw it.

If I want something to be greasy I'll pour grease on it.

If I want a wind gust I'll eat beans.

If I want to breath under water I'll use a tube.

If I want frost I'll wait until winter.

Is I want to be fast and alert I'll get on meth.

If I want resistance to fire I'll tip water on myself.

If I want an acid arrow I'll dip an arrow in acid.

If I want to mold earth I'll get some clay.

If I want to animate something I'll make a Marionette.

If I want a meteor swarm I'll go into space.

If I want to mock someone viciously I'll mock someone viciously.

If I want inspiration I'll listen to the Doors greatest hits.

If I want an illusion I'll eat shooms.

If you can't do enough with realistic martials in dungeon and dragon then go play some bs anime garbage. Unrealistic martials have no place in a high magic fantasy setting. The only martial caster devide that I can see is your retarded imagination needing to be spoon fed spell lists by Mat Mercer.

20 Comments
2023/09/27
14:31 UTC

11

Does playing DnD increase testosterone?

Need some advice here. During the summer, I was playing 5e online a ton. I think I was addicted abit. Couldnt quit on the boys like that yk.

But basically, I felt like I was on top of the world everyday. From the powerful bosses we’d beat, to just knowing I’d dominate every single encounter and was one of the best players in the game.

I've never worked out, but I was so confident in everything. I ERP'ed with a few girls I met on Discord (no voice just text cuz they were shy), I was horny 24/7.

Now, since my group kicked me out I believe I have ED. I isolated myself bc I was addicted (according to my parents) and now dont play anything.

I think Pathfinder would do the same thing but what do you think guys? I should have gotten tested which would prove this theory. Anyways, wondering the effects of DnD on testosterone.

2 Comments
2023/09/27
12:37 UTC

35

i think abt the bear incident once a day

now, take me serious for a second here, dnd has literally always been a game about breaking the mold, being the counter culture. since 1e when the evil religious groups thought we were gonna stranger things this planet up. to the years after where staceys and chads hated on men like me just for being nerdy. now with culture evolving to have free sex be more acceptable, of course the mainstream media would begin to crack down on anything seeming vaguely sexual! why else do you think the bear sex scene was featured on fox news where tucker had to defend it from the libs??? being honest here, when it comes to who rejects my own sexuality the most, it is mostly white girls, now remind me which party they all vote for again? exactly, we need to change the narrative and shoe this world what being a nice guy gets you. in so fuckin mad i ill dres as a bare and tel the dems waht i real thik at theyre mocjinf me, theyl be the ones getin mocked i can tell tou that much

8 Comments
2023/09/27
04:28 UTC

126

Casters not getting into melee didn't make sense

Until now.

We all know that casters are boring and really lack combat ability. All they ever do is stuff like "I stand back and cast a spell " or "I do nothing because I'm saving up my spells" or "i ran out of spells" and that's it!! They literally get noooiiithing elce. Whilst martials get to do literally everything, like hit the enemy with a fist, a kick, a slap, a long sword, a shorter sword, a knife, a dagger, a blade, a club, a mace, an axe, a big axe, a fish, a long stick, a short stick, a pointy stick, a blunt stick, a long dick. The variety is literally endless compared to the one simple option that casters get and it's something I know that erks most players who can be bothered to think.

Even out of combat all a martial has to go is murderhobo all the NPCs and once again martials have all the utilities whilst the poor casters still only have one basic option and that's "yet again I cast another spell". Boring!!! Casters need more variety and options like the martial classes have.

My proposal to fix casters it th give them have a bunch of extra hit dice, profincy in martial and exotic weapons, ki points and monk abilities, fake tactics that are really just a stupid bonus to attack rolls, arrows, spears, bows, clubs, steel cap boots and extra sharp teeth. Which would basically give them 10 plus proficiency on average plus bonus and maneuvers +3 or less decides (assuming D20) by average AC on 29% of monsters without making them op.

Does this sound balanced or over-tuned. Because I know if irl people could cast spells it wouldn't stop us punching idiots in the dick and using our Glocks.

25 Comments
2023/09/27
04:02 UTC

41

Pathfiender sucks

Am I the only one who thinks it just sucks? Like when you look at the facts it becomes apparent:

First of all, the pathfinder players handbook is over double the size of the 5e handbook, that's twice as many trees needed (or twice the electricity in PDF form) to produce the rules book over the more efficiently designed 5e rules. Second, they nerfed fighter and monk by taking away their subclasses (widening the marshal caster gap), no longer will you be able to dominate the battlefield as an eldrich knight or open hand you're just expected to attack three without much thought WHICH BRINGS ME to my next point... the three action system, 5e combat can be slow at the best of times, so Piezo in their infinite wisdom decided to give everyone THREE ACTIONS on a turn??? smh... my group will be going back to matt mercer's game of choice 5e, I call that the 'matthew mercer effect' heh

14 Comments
2023/09/27
01:08 UTC

87

"Situational modifiers are too hard to keep track of" is a disingenuous, anti-martial argument

I just know for sure that evil, anti-martial game developers and anti-martial players are out to get me. Make no mistake, I am the victim. WotC and my fascist, martial-hating DM are literally out to get me. They will force me to sit at a table and play a wizard, because no other class is viable. They don't let me add a +2 from the height advantage (beegeethree rules are RAW) and the +1 from my weapon and the +2 from my fighting style and the +3 from flanking (my homebrew rules are RAW) and the +1 from my lightning charges (i have three more turns of them i think, or maybe four. I dont know, usually beegeethree keeps track of it for me (lightning charges are RAW)) and the -1 from my vampire spawn boyfriend biting me every night (Astarion is RAW) and the +1 bonus that I get because I told the DM I was going to aim really accurately this turn. They think that it's too much bookkeeping. My martial character will clearly be made fun by the addition of more numbers, and not better out-of-combat options.

Spellcaster players (who are the only people allowed to play spellcasters (they are literally the ruling class)) are ruining the game for good, honest martial players (who have no choice but to play martials).

Do people just think martial players are too stupid to keep track of something that casters have no problem keeping track of?

17 Comments
2023/09/26
17:22 UTC

9

"Situational modifiers are too hard to keep track of" is a disengenous, anti-******* argument

0 Comments
2023/09/26
16:35 UTC

21

Hungry. What's for breakfast?

Me want eggs and toast. Do unseen servants have souls? Do they have enough of a form to make love to me? Can I get knocked up by one? Is it considered weird to use it for sex? Is it technically masturbation?

4 Comments
2023/09/26
15:56 UTC

263

Everything in the DnD world is based on 5 foot or 10 foot blocks.

I didn't know where else to post this. Looking over maps It suddenly occurred to me that all the architecture and even a lot of the landscape in this world is aligned with invisible lines that separate everything into 5 foot blocks.

So, like, thats weird to think about....

...

Thats pretty much my post.

Maybe the party could encounter some cult that is obsessed with this pattern they see in the world. They go around with bits of string and posts mapping out these alignments. Shaking carpenters by the shoulders "Why did you put this door here!?"

Or is 5 feet a standard/sacred unit of measurement?

Idk, what is the in world explanation? Sorry if this post isn't circle jerky enough.

31 Comments
2023/09/26
15:20 UTC

73

How is it possible that Jenga Crawtoyota does not understand D&D?

Is he stupid?

In this essay I will say that yes, he is. You see, flex weapon mastery bad. Only +1 damage. But Jibble Cribbledibble said it is "mathematically one of the most powerful masteries", when reddit says it's bad. I agree with reddit on this one. I know game design hard, and reddit is not a good game designer, but like, cmon. Can't they just hire Pack Tactics to do the math for them?

13 Comments
2023/09/26
14:37 UTC

168

I'm a great DM but whenever I try to voice an NPC I accidentally speak an ancient, dead language that summons large swarms of locusts to the table

My players keep getting devoured by these plagues and I have to find a new group every week. Someone told me to just narrate what the NPCs say but I feel like that totally destroys the immersion and atmosphere. One of the players' parents called me an asshole while she sobbed over her dying child which I thought was really uncalled for when I was just giving personality to my npcs?

Last session I guess the locusts could sense I was unsure so they reassured me and told me to "keep doing what I was doing". They said this in one, booming voice (much respect to their voice acting!! I was really immersed and truly believed they were talking as a sinister hivemind for a second). But the problem is I'm getting tired of paying for my players' funerals and hospital visits. Plus the locusts haven't even finished their character sheets yet so idk if I should listen to them. So AITA for voice acting my NPCs?

14 Comments
2023/09/26
14:14 UTC

122

Asking someone to learn a new system is not only unhelpful, but extremely offensive

Title. 5e is teh best system ever made (Matt Mercer plays it, hello?) any issue with 5e can be resolved with homebrew. Why would I want to learn 12 pages of a new system when I can just can just create an entirely new PC creatoin system that allows for interesting lvl one characters. If Matt Mercer can do good homebrew on nothing but 3 decades of DMing experience and a 70k salary, why can't I? Do you think I'm dumber than Matt Mercer? You actually think the plebs who work at game companies know more about game design than I do? If you think I can't create an entirely new game mechanic that both fits in with 5e and is just as balanced, then you are basically calling me stupid. Besides, learning a new system is really hard. Pathfinder is so many numbers. I haven't looked at any system besides 5e and PAthfrinder, so I'm pretty sure that 5e is on the low end of complexity for RPGS. plus, most other systems nowawdys mentmion probnouns, so that's cringe.

19 Comments
2023/09/26
13:35 UTC

117

Marshals DO have utility out of combat!

People say marshals are useless out of combat and can't do anything if they're not fighting.

No true!

If you're in a dungeon, have the marshals go first! With their gazillions of HP, they can just eat any falling boulder or poisoned darts!

Not sure how deep a hole is? Drop the marshal. They'll survive.

Need to test out a new spell? Cast it on a marshal!

Now is that utility or not? Screw expertise or spells!

26 Comments
2023/09/26
04:28 UTC

5

Testicular torsion

I am making testicular torsion a spell, but if it hits, you take half the damage dealt rounded to the nearest whole

If it's a critical miss, you roll for full damage

6 Comments
2023/09/25
23:40 UTC

23

Need slurs that my Arachne character can call people who have less than 8 legs

Need help asap Session starts in 30 mins

11 Comments
2023/09/25
23:34 UTC

10

Is the T in Tarrasque silent?

people keep telling me I'm pronouncing it wrong???

8 Comments
2023/09/25
23:17 UTC

187

Stop gatekeeping 'what is DnD'

Longtime DM here and I'm sick and tired of people gatekeeping what qualifies as DnD.

Gary Gygax himself said the rules are only a guideline and the most important thing is that everyone has fun, so let me break it down for you idiots in the back.

DnD only has three rules:

  • Rule of Cool - If a player wants to do something awesome even if it's not in the PHB, like cut a mountain in half with a mall katana at level 2, let them.

  • The word 'no' should not be in the DM's vocabulary - Telling your players 'no' is basically bullying them into playing how you want. If you do this, you're not just a bad DM, but a bad person, and probably racist. Besides, who does your DM think he is, your mom? Well guess what, my mom has been telling me to get a job for 11 years and I'm tired of explaining to her that I'm a FULL-TIME DM/Discord Moderator.

  • Have Fun - As long as you follow the first two rules, everyone should be having fun. If a player seems like they aren't, there might be something going on outside the game, so make sure you ask deeply personal questions and probe into every aspect of their life. The only exception to this rule is the DM. The DM is there to babysit, support and encourage the players first, and have fun second. Just like Dad always said, you're worthless.

I'll give you an example of one of my current tables. We don't play 'by the book', but everyone has fun:

  • Joe - Joe isn't the most social guy and prefers to keep to himself. He brings in his laptop and plays Skyrim with his headphones on. Every once in a while, though, he'll chime in to tell me he leveled up a skill or beat a boss. Sometimes he tells me he wants to have sex with Lydia and I RP as her for his 34DDD futanari PC.

  • Mike - Mike is a big anime guy and made his expectations of the game clear from the start. His PC Kirito is quite the charmer and he's already recruited half the female population of my homebrew world to join his harem. He spends most of the session jerking it to Hentai on his phone at max volume, but for him, that's DnD.

  • Isabella - Bella likes Stardew Valley. When the party came to recruit her she said no and decided to stay on her farm. While everyone else is adventuring, she tells me what crops she's growing and gossips about the villagers. The party is not allowed to visit her farm (she says they'll ruin it).

  • Anthony - Anthony is the 'powergamer' of the group. He came in with his own homebrew Pokemon Master class and summons his level 99 competitive team he created with selective breeding and eugenics. All his mons are very strong and have their own stat sheets. Let's just say his Squirtle made mincemeat out of Zariel because 'she's a fire type'. Very clever player.

But of course, no group would be complete without that guy. You know who I'm talking about. The problem player. The guy who is miserable and wants to make sure everyone else is too. So let me introduce you to:

  • Greg - AKA 'that's not how it works' AKA 'that's not in the rules' AKA 'you can't do that' AKA 'can you please not masturbate at the table' AKA Gatekeeper Greg. Greg is a bastard. He has no friends. His Dad is an alcoholic and his Mom left when he was a kid because she couldn't stand him. He ruined his family and now he's here to ruin your game. The only reason I keep him around is out of pity. Don't be Greg.
30 Comments
2023/09/25
23:02 UTC

Back To Top