/r/DnDcirclejerk

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A subreddit for "it's what my character would do" people.

/r/DnDcirclejerk

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39

Ask me anything about my world, if I don't have an answer I'll create one thus worldbuilding

The main area for the world is a large coastal city by the name of Sexico which despite having a monarchy is largely run by a clan of Giantesses with dirty feet, a species of giants that gain power from their hoards of servants, whose only purpose in life is to lick their feet clean.

/uj I hope God can forgive me for conjuring such a vile string of words

/rj I got inspiration for this Giantess idea while horny and watching critical role

23 Comments
2024/02/21
21:53 UTC

9

PSA: Shoot your monks!

Anyone playing that class is a nincompoop and probably a racist and is just bringing the group down. Do everyone a favor and just shoot them!

7 Comments
2024/02/21
21:50 UTC

10

My DM just unalived my friend, what should I do?

My DM who has committed several war crimes just murdered my friend with a knife during last session. Many of the rest of the party say they are uncomfortable with this and are starting to leave. I'm conflicted on whether or not to stay or leave. Any ideas?

6 Comments
2024/02/21
21:19 UTC

72

Help me convince my DM that I can get horny while wild shaped.

Level 5 moon druid. DM says we are following 5e rules as written. In the past they have denied my ability to use the telekinetic feat to stealthily jerk off while wild shaped claiming it was magical. They are now saying that if I multiclass into bard, I wouldn't be able to get a throbbing stiffy while wild shaped.

I'd be perfectly fine if they decided this based on a DM call, but their argument is that the rules don't allow for abilities to be used in wild shape (getting unreasonably horny is the bard’s most powerful class abilities). I linked them the description for wild shape that literally says you can use abilities, but they are focusing on the part where it says "you can use features from your race and class if your new form allows it" They think the new animal form under the rules wouldn't allow for any abilities to be used. Any argument I can present to them? How am I supposed to have Baldurs Gate 3 steamy bear sex otherwise?

15 Comments
2024/02/21
18:05 UTC

32

So STD spells are busted

Sexmancers can craft them. Additionally, people say they are balanced around the fact you have a limited space on your cock and balls and STDs take up more space the higher level they are so you can only have 1 or 2 of the fifth level ones, but the thing is they don't take any time to apply. Raw you could pull out, apply it on your penis, and cast it in the same turn. So if your dm allows them you can have a bunch of people running around with essentially their cocks out, which they really shouldnt have, or a sexmancer crafting chlamydia spell for everyone at dirt cheap prices.

4 Comments
2024/02/21
15:03 UTC

104

Why aren't stealth archers as good as in Skyrim?

(For context Skyrim is an action RPG made by Bethesda a few years ago as a prequel to ESO and a sequel to Redguard)

Look, I'll admit there's a difference between half-assedly pulling back a toy bow to where the bowstring doesn't even touch my shoulders and drawing a war bow. I'll also admit that there's a difference between target practice on Youtube and a real life battle. But why can't I just fire ten arrows in Stealth Mode? I've heard martials are underpowered, and clearly any time they can't do something I saw in a circus trick that's an example of their being underpowered. Why can't I swallow my sword? I swallow a lot of other things way bigger on a daily basis.

13 Comments
2024/02/21
13:28 UTC

129

Man, I really wish I lived in the Forgotten Realms.

Every city is walkable, healthcare is free, food is also free if you know a Druid, you can learn magic if you want, the food's pretty good, and the gig economy is really good.

Aside from the monsters, there is literally no downside to living in the FR.

24 Comments
2024/02/21
04:59 UTC

77

My DM ruined my place with his alternative "gameplay" style.

I was playing with a group that was running a horror based DnD session and like all other horror based DnD it basically became a pile of Deathstalker refences, so the DM became so mad he introduced an alternative to dice rolls, he decided to play a game of one hundred ghost stories.

Now to explain what that is, there is dozens of version but the basic version is to have one hundred lit candles and a small group of people that each take turns telling ghost stories, after one ghost story the current person blows out a candle and let the next person take a turn for their story.
After the last candle is blown out something supernatural said to happen.

So, the idea this time is his version is we would vote on how scary/interesting a scary is, each player basically votes if it was "good" or "bad" to succeed or fail, and regardless the player blows out a candle.

The problem is, the DM had these discounted candles, and I gone to get snacks, coming back I found one hundred scented candles.
Skittle scented.

We barely got through 23 stories before we had to leave the place, now it smells like the Koolaid man took a massive shit in my place.

Dang you Dungeon Master!

8 Comments
2024/02/20
20:21 UTC

196

I realised I could play an Echo Knight Fighter in the most cheeky manner.

So I was checking out the Echo Knight Fighter and was gushing over how cool it was as one does when I noticed a feature of it that can be quite cheeky. It’s this one:

“When you take the Attack action on your turn, any attack you make with that action can originate from your space or the echo's space. You make this choice for each attack.”

I realised I could legit have my Echo fight an enemy 30ft away from me without me having to be near them or in danger. My guy can legit just be T Posing while his shadow clone just beats up a bunch of bad guys. Sure the Echo can get destroyed in one hit by the enemy who will then probably rush me but I can always summon it again infinitely.

I also realised I could play it even CHEEKIER. If I get I get Sentinel then if an enemy tries to ignore my Echo and rush at me they will get opportunity attacked and stopped in their place, keeping them away from my real body and keeping me safe. And if I pair this with Polearm Master I can not only have my Echo attack an enemy away from me at a max distance of 40ft(Distance between me and Echo + distance between Echo and Enemy with the extra reach feature) but it will make it further harder for the enemy to reach me and if I do I can reaction them and hold them in place with Polearm master + sentinel.

This mainly works if there is only one enemy but it’s a funny way to plan an echo knight.

17 Comments
2024/02/20
17:43 UTC

172

Does anyone else wish taverns still existed after playing a bunch of DnD?

Like does anyone else wish we just had places where we can just order alcohol and food and meet random people and sometimes get quests from a shady hooded figure in the corner and after that we just pay the owner of the establishment some cash to rent a room in the tavern and sleep there for the night? I wish we still had that, why did taverns have to go out of style..

26 Comments
2024/02/20
06:23 UTC

98

How do you rule the damage from semen attack damage types?

How do you rule the damage from semen attack damage type?

I was listening to a dnd podcast called the dumb ahh podcast which took place entirely in my head after slamming my head on a wall and falling unconscious, something I heard the dm say that cum attack is it's own independent damage type that bypasses resistance to the sexual damage. Because of this the barbarian who was raging took the full cum attack damage from a player who was gooning hard and accidentally spayed a little yummy cummy on one of the figurines who happened to be the barbarians, but the weapon damage (his pp) was still halfed (work accident, his pp is ruined :⁠'⁠( .)

She describes it as a accidentally the semen got caught between the character's hair, and swallowed at weak spots. Do you rule it the same or by the damage type of the weapon (the player's pp).

I was thinking about making this a base feature in my romance reworks. I was also thinking about adding it to the maneuver damaged every martial gets, but I'm more iffy on that, mostly because some people simply cannot ejaculate this hard.

24 Comments
2024/02/19
18:01 UTC

204

Keen Mind is just an excuse to let Metagamers Metagame, and let lazy players know everything.

This feat is a disease for multiple reasons:

  1. It's a half feat that grants an ASI in intelligence, so a smarmy wizard or artificer can take it as an excuse to break your game.
  2. You always know which way north is, and can roughly determine when a day is gonna start or end, which is annoying as fuck, and a flavor feature, but it can become absolute hell if you ever actually try and use it.
  3. You can accurately recall anything you have seen or heard within the past month.

Who the FUCK thought it was a good idea to give D&D players an excuse to be a know-it-all bastard, even more so than the Wizard class ALREADY IS.

Even worse so, it is a FANTASTIC excuse for players that are toxic as fuck and take down entire sessions to transcribe shit to use basically anything that their character would know to derail the campaign.

It's like, if you DON'T let your player use the feat like this, they may as well have chosen to nerf their character.

But if you DO let your character use the feat like this, you may as well no longer be the DM.

It's like giving a halfling PC the lucky feat, on top of their halfling luck, and then letting them take BOUNTIFUL luck, while also being a bard, or divination wizard. It's just a massive fuck you all around.

Ban this feat from your games, ban anyone who thinks this feat is cool from your life.

It's.... terrible.

14 Comments
2024/02/19
12:59 UTC

47

My Players Unionised

So I was Gming yesterday (it's not dming that's for 5e losers and we play pathfinder 2e in this house) and my party was meant to go to this cool Npc to get their plot and railroad encounters (it's not removing player agency as a god played by another player (a PNPC (Player Non Player Character)) asked them to go there (all players are equal but some players are more equal than other's) so they reached the cool npc late because they decided to do a good action and return a book to the library (I rewarded them for being good but was annoyed they wasted time being good because I wanted to get the plot moving) so after that they reached the NPC, now the npc was crafting the party some items and because I needed time to think of cool homebrew cursed magic items for pathfinder 2e (I AM NOT BREAKING THE PERFECT SYSTEM RADD I AM MAKING IT BETTER (player Radd thinks homebrewing pathfinder 2e is a sin)) I let the party sleep in the NPC's house, this is where it gets weird (for context the NPC is a skeleton) the party starts playing spin the bottle as if it was a sleepover, I tought it was fine because I needed the time and it was roleplay that could lead to sex, so the NPC finished crafting (and call me Gege as I made the most devious curses ever, sure to kill the players irl motivation to exist (not relevant to current story) ) so the skeleton goes to the party and they are having sex (obviously) but when I try to join as a dm they tell me I am a skeleton and can't join the parties group goon Sesh (we play online so we can't circlejerk) wich seems reasonable, but as a dm I am a player too and require agency so I tell the party that time passes and it's morning so we can move on with the session, and this is where it gets weird, the party gets together to not let time pass! They Unionised (they know I hate unions as I believe that no one should be compensated for anything (I read berserk once for the sex scenes)) and ignored me the dm completely removing my player agency to either join the Goon Sesh or progress with the plot. After they ended their goon Sesh (after 12h) they got the cursed items (I change some to just kill some members of the party (with a dc55 save of course don't want to ruin player agency (they are level 2 btw and the fighter has a +1 striking Falcata))) and where forced by the skeleton npc go go to hell for 7 years (the goblin died in this time skip because they only live like 20 years).

Anyways I would ask if I am the Asshole but I don't care about your opinion unless it tells me I'm right.

28 Comments
2024/02/19
12:21 UTC

138

My DM used the rules as written to deprive me of a werewolf!!! 🐺 😡

Ok guys so in our third session the DM had a werewolf bite me (no I won’t give context because then perhaps the audience would learn that this is more nuanced than black and white and dnd is all about no gray areas in RP!) and I failed all my saves!

He then brings up the lycanthropy status in the monster manual and makes my character run off to live in the forest because he has control of him now! I hate that the rules are written like this, why am I not being rewarded?

I think I should run a twilight cleric next time so I can power game even harder and write it off as roleplay, nothing gets me going harder than when we bring our character sheets to the table and my DMs eyes roll back in his head when I bring the subclass that will cause him more mental pain than a monk!

17 Comments
2024/02/19
11:13 UTC

26

Being able to change classes

The concept seems absolutely absurd, disgusting, and overpowered, but what if someone insisted on doing it, and you didn't wanna tell them no for some reason? Well here are some helpful tips and tricks to make this, not a complete nightmare.

Tip 1:Kick them out of your fucking game.

Do they realize how much shit you have to keep track of as a DM already? Making 13 character sheets, or 14 if you include Matt Mercers Witcher class for whatever reason, is fucking INSANE.

Tip 2: (If you don't have a backbone)

Make a lot of the appeal of playing a class shifting character go down the drain with... RESTRICTIONS.

If someone comes to your table with an idea as psychotic as this, they fully intend to abuse it.

Make it blatantly known that they will not be permitted to with these simple tips.

  1. You have 1 Pool of HP, and it is based on d8's.
  2. You roll 1 Stat block, your ASI's are based on the Rogue's.
  3. You can only carry what you are physically capable of carrying.
  4. You change classes on a short rest. Declaring your class at the end of every short rest.
  5. You cannot have feats that have prerequisites that you don't always meet.
  6. You have 1 empty character sheet that holds all your main information that is controlled by you and 13 with all your features that will be handed to you when you declare your class.
  7. You cannot take any feats that steal from other classes.

This includes but is not limited to
- Aberrant Dragonmark

- Artificer Initiate

- Eldritch Adept

- Fighting Initiate

- Heavily Armored

- Lightly Armored

- Magic Initiate

- Martial Adept

- Metamagic Adept

- Moderately Armored

- Ritual Caster

- Skill Expert

- Weapon Master

4 Comments
2024/02/19
05:30 UTC

80

We ended a campaign much early because I decided to ignore half the rules(gone weird_(unfixable by pathfinderr2e)

So I rule of cooled an unwinnable fight into a really cool fight that ended the campaign like three levels early. I know they had no chance and I shouldn't have pushed them into a do or die situation, but rule of cool is coolest, and why wouldn't players use an outer deity to destroy the bbeg and not be affected by it even in the slightest, yes? Then the bus driver stood up and started clapping

5 Comments
2024/02/18
20:29 UTC

91

Having trouble balancing PF2

So we started a campaign (milestones of course, we dont wanna have to grind dozens of rats to get enough XP for the next level) and while things felt balanced in the beginning, it feels like fighting rats has become way too easy and unsatisfying. We have a rules lite DM who openly doesn't track HP and fudges rolls and stats and such. What tips do you have to homebrew this into working? Is there some community guideline or something? This game seems really GM unfriendly, this was so much easier back then

19 Comments
2024/02/18
18:00 UTC

120

Am I Overreacting?

So my roommate is starting a new campaign, and wanted me and a couple of friends to roll up new characters. I had a really good idea for a rogue/fighter multiclass, and when I brought it to him he liked the concept. However, there is a small point of disagreement on the topic of this new character. Since apparently my roleplay has been lackluster lately, whenever I kill someone, the DM wants me to murder a person in real life (preferable not a player). I told him I was not comfortable with this, but he told me that fighter/rogue multiclassing is too OP, and that he was compromising already. Am I overreacting?

13 Comments
2024/02/18
01:57 UTC

54

I did an oopsy in my campaign, help

Sooo... I'm running Hoard of the Dragon Queen, but there are only 2 PCs (there were going to be 3 but one had to quit and I was told after I had prepped most of the stuff). So they're obviously fairly outnumbered in the first session, and they almost die (whoops)! Well, the second session comes around, I give them the quest to save the people in the sanctuary. They walk over there, being stealthy because they know they can't just run head first this time, I tell them that they see 6 kobolds, 2 cultists, and a dragonclaw, so now they're like 'oh crap' because they're only level two One of them has a +7 to religion (we'll call him Jim), they're both kobolds. So Jim decides that he's gonna try to convert the kobolds on his side, doing some weird ritual thing?? (I made him use a spellslot for that, but let him decide what it did within reason)

He rolled a nat 20... Jim said that the Kobolds would be on his side, and any kobolds he saw would be converted if he still had at least 1 kobold in his 'religion' that he just created. That sounded fair, and interesting, so I went with it

Well now he has 24 kobolds on his side. How the heck do I make this campaign not just crumble. I really wanna include the cult he just suddenly created in more stuff, because I think it's funny, but I also want it to be somewhat of a challenge

19 Comments
2024/02/17
20:23 UTC

218

Persuasion check to have sexy sex with everything all the time

I’m new to DnD and have been playing with a large group of porn addicts and our forever gooner friend. One of the players’ personality is sex sex sexy sex having sex with everything. This has allowed for some hardcore porn in our DnD sessions, but it came to a head in a sex with orcs and elementals when they wanted to play DnD. Is this (playing a tabletop RPG in a sex simulator) “officially” allowed? I understand the entire point is having sex and not playing the game, but I want to be a sex master myself, AITA?

6 Comments
2024/02/17
16:11 UTC

121

Why are materials WAAAY stronger than casters???

I mean, my Barbarian 10/Fighter 11/Paladin 1 player (if you get rid of they’re two hill giant belts) has a strength score of 40, but my level 1 Wizard player (who deservedly has a cursed helm of lameness) only has a strength of 12.

Why would wizards of the coarst do this????

13 Comments
2024/02/17
12:37 UTC

20

Player wants some homebrew (Character permanently(?) Confused)

I'm running a level 3 one-shot soon and one of the players wants to have his character risk attacking allies (he basically described the Confused condition without knowing it) in exchange for a buff. I looked up everything I could find on AoN for Confused but everything is fairly high level (or doesn't have a buff attached).

What would be an appropriate buff (to attacks) to make up for Confused, for an L3 character? Should this be a triggerable action?

I also mentioned to him that he should really think about how fun the other players will find this. It's a D-Day type battle, so there will definitely be enemies present at all times, so it's a fair trade in theory.

4 Comments
2024/02/17
09:57 UTC

249

My D&D Twitch Keeps getting banned.

I have had 30 D&D twitch accounts in the last year and they keep getting banned, and I have no idea why.

Our games get pretty spicy but our characters don't do anything too crazy.

Most rules are pretty raw.

But I do have a rule that if you wanna seduce someone and you succeed, you have to have sex with whoever is playing them at the table.

I thought twitches rules made nudity okay again. My stream is marked 18 plus for sexual themes and even has nudity in the tags.

I haven't played dnd with clothes on since 2001.

Makes me fucking mad as hell man.

We got so many views the first time we had an orgy on stream. The barbarian and bard in my guts felt amazing...

But anyway, how do I fix this?

17 Comments
2024/02/17
05:49 UTC

23

My DM won't allow gunslingers into the campaign because of his no homebrew rules.

Jokes on him, Cowboy is an official class in Masque of the Red Death!

~THIS IS THE DM, Jokes YOU, nobody wants to play Masque of the Red Death setting!~

6 Comments
2024/02/17
05:19 UTC

125

Why are casters so much stronger than martials RAW???

I follow every rule except for some minor adjustments that I made right from the very first session because I was smart enough to ask for advice online before getting started. I mean just look at my usual session!

-I dont track carry weight since its boring.

-I try to add in environmental challenges like crossing a river or climbing a cliff and they all have to roll athletics for it!

-I run two whole encounters per session!

-I use theatre of the mind and common sense. We all know what mooks would get hit by the fireball and how far a monk can run. It's logical.

-I want to make sure combat doest get boring so I just do one big boss and one mook. Otherwise everything takes too long. Dont worry I know CR is broken so I just ignore that and make sure to buff using my logic and math skills.

-Every social situation my wizard manages to bypass because his slight of hand for rolling his spells works really often.

-Everyone keeps talking about concentration checks but the damage never gets that high so I dont get how my wizard wouldnt roll like a 5 or 6, seems unfair.

-Obviously my players wont track their resources between sessions, how would they even remember that? We long rest at the end of every session.

-I make sure not to add too many magic items since I was told theyre overpowered.

Why would WOTC do this???

28 Comments
2024/02/16
23:20 UTC

27

[RPGHORRORSTORY] My group does not understand the taste of Oil Drum Chicken!

It is a long tradition from Metro City, when the mad gears gang took over the city until our mayor, his friend and a ninja cleaned up the streets, that a lot of us would take time to slowly roast a full chicken within an oil drum for hours on end until somebody comes along and kicks it open, letting it fall to the ground, where it is eaten on the spot.

It is a well known health food, it completely restored my health all the time!

Well, I decided to make some for my group and they just turned their noses up at, saying it is disgusting. They are just being picky jerks, so more chicken for me!

6 Comments
2024/02/16
22:37 UTC

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