We earned these classes. And they KNOW it. The only reason we’re stuck with so few is because the writers behind the game prefer to take long vacations in their yachts instead of giving us what we deserve.

I mean. Pawn, Rook, Bishop, King, Queen and that other one? That’s so few of them. Why not add a Rotating Armblade Goblin or even a new piece with a new homebr— I mean, unique system where you also play poker while playing chess? That would shake up the chess formula. I’ve been playing chess for a year now, the only way to make it not boring is to get a new piece on the board with a unique system that doesn’t use “movement” or “captures”, since every piece already does that.

The ONLY, single explanation to why the Chess devs still haven’t added the Rotating Armblade Goblin is because they have a MALICIOUS intent to JERK OFF while feeding us WEAK, MEEK and PUTRID subclasses.

How I made a hag off her self

Soo be me on a west mearch server lvl 2 and we fight a hag on our mission im like wtf! Ware gonna die i asked the dm if I could try a persuasion check to make them off them selfs they told me its dc 20 guess what ya boy got a 18 plus 2 sooooooooooooooooooo thats how I made a hag off her self

(Off means to jack off in this story)

I’ve never understood the video game influence that plagues some DMs. It’s interesting really. I’ve always seen video games as a bastardizing of gaming, and by extension, CRPGs as a bastardization of TTRPGs.

This all started when we had just finished our Shadowdark campaign and my GM said he had a new campaign idea. He plopped the DnD 4th edition PHB onto the gaming table and smiled, “we’re gonna be playing a game inspired by Pillars of Eternity.”

I could feel my stomach churn. Pillars? Really? And 4th edition? Give me a break. If I wanted to be a neckbeard and play video games, I would. But I play TTRPGs for the ultimate freedom that vdeo gmes could never provide.

I understand the PbtA people and being influenced by tv and movies, I understand the OSR people and being influenced by a totally-not-made-up history. What I don’t understand is the L*ncer, 4e, and the like mfs thinking we should break down TTRPGs into being video game slop!

Video games have ruined our generation and it’s such a sad sight to see.

There will be fringe cases where this doesn't apply, but almost all the shit I see on here would be solved if you PLAYED ANYTHING ELSE JESUS CHRIST.

• How do I make combat vaguely enjoyable?
• How do I encourage my players to do things?
• How do I run a campaign centered on a sci fi lesbian bar ran by sentient cockroaches (who are lesbians)?
• How do I stop having anxiety attacks when asked to run something?
• How do I balance my emotions?
• How do I get literate players?
• How do I make it stop hurting when I pee?
• Et cetera

I think it's no suprise that 5e DMs have to shit blood every session, more so than in most D&D games. WotC has tappen into a buisness model where players drink milkshakes forged from human suffering and D&DBeyond based milk products.

I have as many gigabytes of jester feet on my hard drive as anyone else but COME ON those steppers aren't even RAW 5e!

please just fucking do anything else oh my god

Okay so the character I’m playing in my current campaign is a human inquisitionist whose entire race is trying to enslave the others in the homebrew world she’s in. The only reason she’s a slave trader is because her backstory is based on an existing published story, a little trend with my DnD characters, and the only way I could make the actions those in her backstory took (that they had to take to match the existing story) was to make them her property. Nobody in my campaign has suggested that her story makes them uncomfortable or that the character is in any way weird, but I still feel a bit weird about it and I just wanna know- is it as normal as I hope it is, just average dark backstory stuff, or is it iffy?

Again, nobody in my campaign is jilted by it. But if I, as a non-white man, tell you “yeah, my DnD character’s a wildly racist genocider based on the story” would that weird you out? Her story’s treated with respect to the dark topics within it and her background is far from a joke, but it’s just the topics themselves that make me worry about how others might look at me.

My fiance decided he wanted to dm for his gf and a work friend of his. My fiance wanted me to play since I would add an experienced player to the group. Knowing what the others would pick I decided to try out a conservative libertarian which isn't my normal go to. Session 0 started and the gf picked a loony anarchist, the friend picked a socialist barbarian. I picked domain of Invisible Hand of the Market.

The first encounter we had, I couldn't do much. I'm level 3 and don't have too many policies but knowing my team could go down I held onto my assets and refused to pay into social security in case I needed the money later. Admittedly I could have afforded it as we were facing a minor recession but I wanted the group to actually have fun so I sat back and drank champagne while the others fought for a fair wage. It was good, no one ended up needing welfare and the threat was taken care of. Well the socialist barbarian is pissed because I never paid into social security. He has a much larger liquid asset pool than me or the anarchist and his savings were only reduced to $28 by the end, while my assets were all tied up in investments. Of course I didn't fund his poor decisions. It wasn't necessary but he was mad.

At work with my fiance he kept complaining about how I needed to get my shit together and do my part, that I didn't contribute to social security and that I wasn't helpful or necessary to their society. This has angered both me and my fiance. We both know I was trying to be more fiscally conservative and let everyone bootstrap their way to success but he just wanted me to "do my job" and pay his welfare. I already personally don't like poors. So how do I deal with him? Even my fiance’s gf admits he has main character syndrome so I just want to be able to play and have fun. Not be judged.

Why would I grappler feat? I hardly even know her! Nyuk nyuk nyuk 🤣🤣🤣

So after weeks of arguing, I finally convinced my DM that 1st level spells and cantrips can be used to instant kill people like they do in the funny TikTok/YouTube shorts I send her.

This week, she said, "You know what? Fine. If it'll shut you up, we'll it play that way." with an evil grin on her face.

So we get into combat and I roll a 3 on initiative. An NPC got a 12 and cast Destroy Water on the blood in my brain killing me instantly.

It felt really unfair to me that my character died without getting a chance to do anything. The constitution(PHB) is supposed to give the right to Player Agency but this time I had none.

Player Agency (for those who aren't chronically online) is when a player gets what they want and everyone claps

I think we need to get rid of initiative as many other TTRPGs that I haven't read already have. In a game where spells can kill people in one action the only way to guarantee player agency is to make sure the players always go first. That or NPCs can't use magic, whatever's easier.

It's been an entire decade since 2014, and it's really hitting me that in the time, we only have Artificer, Barbarian, Bard, Cleric, Druid, Fighter, Monk, Paladin, Ranger, Rogue, Sorcerer, Warlock, and Wizard. Now, it's looking that the next edition won’t add any new classes, and that really pisses me off. I’ve been playing a lot of Baldur Gate and looking at a lot of Laezel fanart—I think she could be a really cool psychic class. She could use telekinesis to hold enemies back, or to throw you down during the fight with her, or restrain your arms on the ground as she gets on top of you, or force you to lick the sweat off her body, or massage your prostate from inside your ass, or tell you inside your head how disgusting you are for cumming so quick, or…

Anyways, where’s the Psychic? The Mystic? The Psionist? I don’t care what you call it; please, just give us something new, WotC. My dick is so fucking hard right now it’s about to explode I don’t know how much longer I have

Edit: Blood Hunter doesn’t count I hate Matt Mercer

So during our session zero I explained in depth about the soul nexus that's in my world and how everyone is expected to bring at least one low-value member of society to each session so that we can sacrifice them and power the nexus, it's kind of a cool way to break the fourth wall I think and obviously my players agreed because all of them brought filipino prostitutes to our first session except for one. He looked kind of weirded out by the girls crowding around the game room and how they all didn't know english, but the nexus craves the blood of the unsuspecting which I outlined in the first session so I don't know what he was thinking. Anyways when we started sacrificing them to Hastur- the creator of the soul nexus- he started freaking out and when I brought up the social contract we drafted and signed in blood he started making all these excuses like how he "thought it was a joke" and that he "didn't expect us to be psychos like this and just wanted to play D&D" and really I was pretty offended that he'd treat our social contract so lightly, but that just seemed to make him more upset. The whole ritual got interrupted and now the cops (the King in Yellow's eyes and ears) are really upset with us. Did I do something wrong?

Hello esteemed compatriots,

Let me cut to the chase. I want to play DnD 5e, but it would be utterly REPULSIVE to my refined palate to be caught dead playing such slop. Is there a system that I could play 5e in without having to actually use such a vulgar, foolish ruleset? And don’t you DARE suggest the slovenly Pathfinder Second Edition to me. Last time I attempted to play that wreck I had an allergic reaction and was in the ER in critical condition.

It's a gritty realistic high RP immersive game in a futuristic post-apocalyptic atomic WW2 grimdark low fantasy steampunk original setting focused on politics, base building, resource management, army maintnance and large scale battles with survival elements.

No I've never touched a book outside of holu D&D 5e, I'm not a heathen. Why do you ask?

In the past few days, we’ve seen nothing but circlejerk posts about maritals and casters, about chandeliers and rituals, about furry OCs and girlboss villains that can cast Power Word Kill as a cantrip but only when someone interrupts their monologue. Everyone is losing their minds over the issue at hand. Everyone insists on having an opinion. Worse yet, they don’t even want to all agree and have the same opinions. I see people writing screeds about how peasant railgun circlejerks aren’t funny anymore, I see comment sections devolving into flame wars over whether an MS Paint drawing of Sonic the Hedgehog impregnating Matt Mercer counts as D&D content, and worst of all, I see you, making posts that disagree with me.

What happened to this community? Sometimes it feels like most of you don’t even circle the jerk anymore, you just post about it, hoping to be right, to score points on reddit with your righteous indignation instead of just enjoying building a nuke as an artificer. You come in here making bad-faith comments about how my jerks aren’t well seasoned, when you could be saying good-faith things like “I agree with you, your post is so good”. No one wants to have a discussion, no one wants to goon to Jester’s feet, they just want to be right. Not me though, I don’t want to be right, you do though, or you wouldn’t be saying my posts are bad.

How will we get out of this rut? Well we can start by agreeing that the circlejerk is in flames, the mods have no idea what they’re doing, and we’ll never see a post as simultaneously funny and true as the “Battlefield Effect Generator” again, for starters. If you think I’m wrong, well, frankly, you’re part of the problem. You need to have some perspective and humility, to fix your attitude, stop this condescending, scolding act, and recognize that all my posts are really clever and funny on multiple levels, and finally to stop trying to defend your obviously incorrect opinions in the comments. But I don’t think you will, because as I said before, this subreddit is dying, and you people all have a lot of soul searching to do.

So long story short we have 16 players and 8 DMs for our group. Seemed like a good number at the start but now the DMs are forming groups for when they vote on making a ruling and currently the self proclaimed “Dungeon Dawgs” are tied with the “Elvin Legion” on general interpretations and so there is hardcore gridlock in decision making.

Last night, our Paladin wanted to know how many people were in his aura. But we were using a modified grid to make the map bigger where each square was 30 ft. So technically nobody was in his aura but him. The EL wanted to change the aura to extend out 120 ft but the DDs preferred to scale down the map back to 5 ft squares.

I’m thinking we need another DM to break the tie so we can get things moving again but does that mean we should add 1.5 more players to the party?

Edit: Update

So the DMs decided to draft up a constitution which set in stone certain rulings as inalienable rights and laid the framework for a system of checks and balances. With this they elected to split into two separate titles, now we have 6 DMs and two GMs. Rulings must first pass the DMs with 2/3s majority and then be passed By the two GMs with at least 50% of the vote. It then gets passed on to the elected (by all players) spokesperson for the players; who then has the power to veto or pass the ruling.

They also established a Supreme Court to rule on changes to the constitution comprised of 3 rules lawyers appointed by a majority vote in the DM coalition and whom must be approved by both GMs.

The problem is that two of the Rules Lawyers are obviously firm supporters of the Elvin Legion and just voted to overturn the embedded amendment that you can drink a potion for full potential HP as an action or roll for it as a bonus action.

This caused some of the players to protest by all making circle of shepherd druids and summoning tons of pets every battle to bog down combat. This prompted the Spokesman to declare Martial law, forcing everyone to only be either rogues or fighters, causing everyone to re-roll their characters.

Should we wait for the next election cycle to combat this change or revolt and cast dream on the party to take over the narrative of the campaign for ourselves?

Dexterity:From the latin Dexter, meaning right, but since when are right hands faster than left? Instead of accuracy, 99% of what dexterity does is just speed, but every human has 30ft speed anyways, so dexterity shouldn't do anything?

Strength: There's nothing women can't do (I definitely understand feminism), therefore stats they have less of can't do anything. And you wouldn't want to promote steroid use among the youth now, would you?

Constitution: just amend the constitution bro, the founders were smart but they couldn't imagine modern society

Intelligence: why do the players need the characters to do all of the thinking for them?

Wisdom: having players not notice stuff is just bad game design

Charisma:stop coping, it isn't about charisma, it's all appearance. No amount of rizz will get that 10's attention. This is definitely productive advice and not a tactic to make you insecure.

Instead of using the characteristics, just have the dm decide what happens based on vibes.

So for context, my friend invited me to play “Dungeons and Dragons”. I only agreed because I’ve seen hot chicks on YouTube playing it. And then I found out my friends been playing it for 23 years. They said they are so knowledgeable about the game, that they are the probably the greatest DnD player. At least the greatest human one, on this planet.

But anyways, they also said that the DM makes it very difficult, and also warned me that I "prob won't get to do much because I’m a noob and I’ll die right away.” But I told them that I’ve seen Honor Amongst Thieves so I know a little about DnD and not a total noob. I’ve also seen hot chicks on YouTube talk about it. They said that didn't matter. They said that they hate Chris Pine and Michelle Rodriguez and Ginny Di. They also hate Reddit and claim to be better than all of you. Collectively.

Obviously I was going to say no, but then I thought you know what? Let's go see what the "losers" here had to say. This is all I know about what we're doing:

1. Max difficulty
2. We're creating our own character starting at level 1.
3. I can pick whatever class, race, etc that I want.

I beseech thee. What should I build so that my friend feels as useless as a limp dong in a whorehouse?

Yes, I know I could just Google this. But I want to show them the thread when my PC kills their PC and I claim victory over “the greatest DnD player of all time”.

I just got commissioned art (feet only) of my 2e dromaar/nephilim lineage human barbarian and now every time I jerk it feels like sandpaper and everything looks red

Why can’t I create a black hole? Fine I’ll just create potassium metal 🤷‍♂️

Step 1: have someone cast death ward on yourself… you’re going to blow yourself up if you do this.

Step 2: use creation and upcast it to make as much of it as possible…

Create a 1:1 ratio porous cube of Potassium metal inside of a water source… so the water can react all the way through…

Step 3 everything in the blast radius is dead…

DM: what? You can’t create Potassium…

Me: Potassium is a basic element… the 7th most abundant material on earth… most explosive items alchemists mess with are based on it… even the bat gauno used as material component for fireball… if I can’t create potassium then Wizards can’t cast fireballs and alchemists can’t create things like alchemists fire 🤷‍♂️. Any alchemist would have experimented with small amounts of it… so would have access to summon it with creation…

DM: well how do you calculate damage?

Me: it’s weight based… compare to the explosive damage of a gunpowder powder keg being 20 pounds… and like 7d6 damage… potassium is 862 KG / M2… everything is dead if you drop something that big in water… 125 cubic ft (5x5x5 cubic ft is 3.54 cubic metres)… meaning it’s 335 x the weight of a gunpowder keg… so even if you’re having it be half the space to let water get max reaction space it 167 x 7D6 damage… just add water… and remember if you up cast it it expands cubically… x8 dimensions… x27… x64… cast it as a level 9 underwater if you want to nuke Atlantis…

DM: well it doesn’t work like that…

Me: 🤷‍♂️

DM: that’s metagaming…

Me: that’s basic chemistry / alchemy…

DM: your character isn’t smart enough to do this…

Me: I have an IQ of 120 and a Biology degree… my character has Int of 18 and is a wizard… he’s smarter than me… assuming Int 10 is “average intelligence” of 100…

Reasons I shouldn’t play anymore and just stick to DMing…