/r/DnDcirclejerk

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A subreddit for "it's what my character would do" people.

/r/DnDcirclejerk

27,159 Subscribers

21

God, remember how in 4e martials had rider effects when they made attacks. It was so much better than 5e

Weapon mastery? Uh. Idk in my playtests with my group I totally have, it really slowed the game down. Too many conditions to track and too many rolls made on each attack. 5.5 is going to be super clunky and turns are gonna take to long.

4e fixes this by… war… lord?

5 Comments
2024/07/03
02:06 UTC

26

Top of the morning to ya. I'm Jeremy Crawford

I just invented crafting now buy book to craft. Updoots to the left 😎

Why no crafting in 2014? Shut up

Buy book, get digital pictures of me

9 Comments
2024/07/02
22:11 UTC

74

Fixing the Shield Spell

Shield as it stands provides a level of degenerate gameplay that is only rivaled by Counterspell.

It provides a +5 to AC on a reaction and is available to Sorcerers, Bards that waste their magical secrets on it, The only GOOD warlock subclass, Wizards, Eldritch Knights, and really stupid Arcane Tricksters.

It gives classes that have no business having any sturdiness some survivability.

It gives classes that HAVE sturdiness, a MASSIVE fuck you to anyone that uses attack rolls in the game for the half of the game that most players will actually play it, you know before every creature has +17 to attack and advantage on every saving throw except intelligence for some fucking reason.

If you have a class that can get arcana proficiency, or god forbid, expertise, and your DM is unaware of the power that spell scrolls have, you could theoretically just say fuck you to every attack your DM's monsters make that isn't a crit.

It is EXTREME:Y cheap to make scrolls as well from spell levels 0-2 as well so like, shield is level 1.

You see where I am going here?

I propose that shield can only be used once per initiative per person for the sake of keeping fights fair.

41 Comments
2024/07/02
14:51 UTC

12 Comments
2024/07/02
03:37 UTC

51

I have designed the most awesomest encounter ever

 I had an idea to shake up combat for my guys

I wanted a divination based fight against (probably) a hag. The idea is the hag has a crystal ball or something that displays the positivity or negativity of fate for the immediate future. This manifests as her rolling the dice not only for  her. But her enemies as well(The PC's). The PC's will not have to roll anything! They can kick back and get really immersed in this awesome dynamic encounter.

To double down into this, She always has advantage I intend for this to be non-obvious , but a fun bonus if the party can figure it out. I can't see anything going wrong with this, but I will take any questions about niche cases So I can figure them out in advance. Afterall, nothing will surprise her.

https://www.reddit.com/r/DMAcademy/comments/1dp9p19/universal_pre_rolled_dice/

6 Comments
2024/07/02
02:42 UTC

23

Not nerfing spells will ruin the game

I can't believe wotc isn't planning to nerf spells in 5.5onednd2024! Just because my players love wall of force and everybody loves shield and hypnotic pattern is fun as hell doesn't mean they shouldn't nerf those spells to prevent me as a DM from having to exercise creative problem solving ever!

A fundamental principle of good game design is that all spells should be exactly the same, doing the same damage, with the same effects. No spell should be more powerful or more useful than any other! Do they not get how obvious that is!!! What are they going for here??? Fun???! What about BALANCE???!!!!

Anyway... if they dont nerf spells in the game enjoyed by the largest number of tabletop game players and everyone at my table, I'm putting my foot down and forcing all my players to switch to some new system that knows better than to prioritize their enjoyment over my ability to put my brain on total autopilot while dming.

43 Comments
2024/07/02
02:16 UTC

29

Give me the most circlejerk way of bullying horny bard(bdsm is allowed, but no biting)

I might or might not do this

23 Comments
2024/07/01
21:10 UTC

224

what are some dnd rules that you were shocked to find out are real, mandatory rules and not just variant rules or homebrew?

So, we all know that the vast majority of DnD players have never touched a sourcebook, but for the few of you who eventually do, were you surprised to find out that some of rules of this game aren’t made up on a whim by the DM?

68 Comments
2024/07/01
17:49 UTC

57

DMs, what do you charge players to add “flavor” to characters?

Hi! Veteran DM here. 12 years of experience mostly from 3.5e and Pathfinder, but I’m starting a new 5e campaign in LA because I just moved there.

This new group seems great, but they keep asking to add “flavor” to their characters. One player in my old group would ask to add this “flavor” once in a blue moon and it was best described to me as being similar to the skins you purchase to put on your ships in E.V.E. Online? The flavor changes a pointless/cosmetic aspect of the character, such as backstory, outfit, method of casting spells, etc.

The old player would sometimes ask if he could worship a deity that doesn’t fall under the recommended alignment for his class/race, or use a character name not listed under the examples outlined in the PHB race descriptions. I told him I was happy to oblige if he was willing to pay $3.00 per session for each individual piece of “flavor” added. I thought this was fair because of the extra time it would take to hardcode the flavor changes manually in my encounter planning spreadsheet instead of using my premade presets for each individual race, class, and subclass combination.

My new group is asking to add “flavor” in excessive ways I’ve never imagined, such as describing the outfits their characters wear, naming the weapon they wield, or even the ranger asking to make his animal companion a large dog while still using the wolf stat block?

With my current rate of $3.00 per flavor added/session, it’s coming out to ~$60 per player per session. I’m afraid this could make them walk, but the extra work it will create for me will be astronomical. I’m honestly kind of frustrated they’d even ask a DM to go through such headache for something that doesn’t even affect the amount of dice rolled.

Should I adjust my rate? What do you all charge for flavor?

14 Comments
2024/07/01
02:27 UTC

101

My DPR is bigger than yours

DPR is all that matters, I don't know why anyone cares about anything else in DnD???

Yesterday our DM talked about starting a new campaign, but I shut him down right there with "The character I am building has a DPR of 57247.72 which is higher than the hit point of all the monsters in DnD, so I automatically win", ending the session right there. A few of the other players were unhappy with my behaviour, but I told them to shut up as their characters never even meet the baseline of DPR. The DM even had the cheek to say that my obsession with DPR isn't healthy, so I took out my Shortsword with Vex and Scimitar with Nick and beheaded him right there.

Later I logged into reddit and saw some people upset at Zionists and their child murdering, and I commented "Netanyahu isn't even properly optimising his build! If it was me with my Beast Master Ranger character with Hunter's Mark and Two Weapon Fighting and Charger and Nick (Nick is my wife's boyfriend btw) then I would have soloed all those kids in just one session."

Again, why do people care about anything other than DPR???

35 Comments
2024/07/01
01:59 UTC

127

Why would WoTC betray paladins like this

In the most recent release of our holy books, WoTC purposefully killed the paladins ability to be badasses by nerfing it's strongest and only ability to one shot 1 monster, Tiamat. Now that the class is ruined what else should I play as to RP my main character fantasy and force my table to have me be the talking person.

My wife's boyfriend says I'm being sensitive about this issue, but I think he's just jealous of pally superiority

22 Comments
2024/07/01
01:38 UTC

145

I hate concentration

What if my character has ADHD and can't focus on stuff. Then they can't cast spells now??? Isn't that ableism?

Also, there was this campaign where we were trying to kill a lich and he casts sleet storm and my concentration is just GONE. I concentrated on a really important hunter's mark, by the way. What is this evil? It makes the game UNFUN and takes away player AGENCY!

I have a better idea for concentration: When you cast a spell, you make a wisdom check, and if you fail you fuck up and it blows up in your face dealing 2d6 + level force damage.

This way my ranger and my furry druid can always be cool and mega good and never have to make concentration checks, while wizards and warlocks will SUCK HARD!

25 Comments
2024/06/30
19:16 UTC

18

New to online gaming

I was applying to an online PF game

Here is a record of my conversation with the DM. Do you think I have a shot at this

DM: "So you're..."

AFWAS(ME): "I'm a fighter with a sword."

Host: Uhhh...yeah...do you have any special qualities?"

AFWAS: "I'm a fighter with a sword."

Host: "How did you come to be in the area?"

AFWAS: "I was born here. Exciting, huh?"

Host: "Well what sort of horrible dramatic trauma led you to picking up a sword?"

AFWAS: "Well my parents named me A Fighter With A Sword...so we all figured it was logical that I take it up...so I practiced and got good enough to apply for adventures, I guess."

Host: You're diction is, well..."

AFWAS: It's just normal talk-no flowery Ren Fest BS...when I charge into battle, I yell, "I Am A Fighter With A Sword! And as you are the "(insert basic name of said monster of the encounter here)" I will attack you with the intention of killing you"...no words like "Slay" or "Smite Thee Foul Beast" nothing like that...I'm A Fighter With A Sword, and that's my function, it's who I am now, and it's who I'm gonna be. It's what I do."

Host: "Do you work well with..."

AFWAS: "You know, it doesn't really matter if you work well with others if you never get to play. I see a lot of these DMs saying how they love creativity, but then shoot down any effort to make an interesting character...or they Private Message you telling you they loved your backstory and then not put you on the list. It's tough seeing the same damned people get picked...winning a spot on one campaign, and then dotting another with an alias with their huge flowery posting backgrounds and Vanilla-flavored crybaby dramatic backstories...which if you analyzed one from another...really aren't that unique anyways. YES I work well with others...I could create the most Chaotic Neutralist uncaring asshat of a dude and still work well with others and the campaign story...IT"S THE POINT ISN"T IT?"

Host: "Well...ok...ummmm...What First level fea..."

AFWAS: "Toughness...because...well, you know, Hit Points!"

Host: "What about trai..."

AFWAS: "Traits...well that's the tricky part! Any trait I pick would have to add flavor to me...I guess I would have to consider them a necessary bit of tasty sprinkles on an otherwise Plain Yogurt type of guy. BUT NO DRAWBACKS! I'LL BE DAMNED IF I"M GONNA ADD ANYTHING I DON"T HAVE TO IN THAT AREA!"

10 Comments
2024/06/30
18:20 UTC

82

Has hit point damage ever positively contributed to anyone's experience?

It's not just that's it a mean way to hurt a PC, but it doesn't seem fun on any level. How do you even roleplay it? It's not mechanically interesting either. I saw a post where someone roleplayed their character retiring after stubbing their toe, but I haven't heard anything similar for losing hp. The only videogame I saw it in was old school Wizardry, and all it did there was make me save scum.

Source

27 Comments
2024/06/30
16:33 UTC

76

How do I get my player to stop throwing bat poop at me?

My wizard has decided to start roleplaying casting spells. I appreciate that he's trying to get into character, but the problem is he feels a need to recreate all the components. It does get a little old when he chants for an hour whenever he casts a ritual, but the real problem is that his favorite spell is fireball. Everytime he casts it, he starts hucking bat poop at me. I don't even know where he gets it, but he just keeps pulling it out of his pockets.

9 Comments
2024/06/30
15:12 UTC

84

SESSION -1304 ISSUES

So our characters for this story are (player name who nobody cares about and exists purely to confuse you on who is who) our tabaxi rogue (<-actual identification) who is actually (random kind of edgy irrelevant story) and (another name you don't actually care about why are you reading this) our crip homebrew race cleric who actually (wall of text that amounts to an "oh lol so random" moment) and (at least 4 other player names and classes) so our party had been deciding what the dresscode should be on session -1303 during session -1304 (GOD FUCKING DAMNIT THE WAY I WROTE THIS I CANT FIT 30 MINUTES OF EXPLAINING RANDOM IRRELEVANT PLOT INFORMATION) when player name (yeah fuck you, you aren't EVER going to remember who is who) stopped fermenting my gamer gunk (he does this because of another wall of text story that is only funny if you were part of the group) and asked if I could DM for them, which is entirely uncalled for this early into the game. I of course OBLITERATED HIM WITH MY FUCKING EYE LASERS as all dms do. However other player name (fuck you again) said that this was uncalled for and that I should have just put him in the naughty corner. I told her i was uncomfortable and then jumped forward like a rabid dog and clawed her eyes out with my bare hands, while this is entirely justified I am feeling a bit guilty because i forgot to eat her pancreas too. AITA?

17 Comments
2024/06/30
13:37 UTC

342

Party wants me to RP as a pedo. Can I say no?

So the halfling player is trying to pressure me into playing pedos he can seduce and then jail every time they travel to a new city. This is completely out of nowhere and the table seems to be into it. I said "no" gently before, then he said "yes" harder. Can I still say no or something or how does this work?

80 Comments
2024/06/30
09:54 UTC

91

How can I kindly ask my group to chant more?

Ok, I will keep this short.

I’m playing a life cleric and everything is fine but there’s one singular issue, the rest of the group isn’t invested in role playing their spells during combat. I chant the verbal components of my spells in latin. There’d be no issue, but I feel like I’m the only one chanting. I’ve been chanting 4-5 sentences each time and my DM asked me to make them shorter so I shortened it to two, so that it’d be easier for everyone else to chant along. It’s an important part of my character so I do it every time, especially for cantrips.

I love chanting, and so does the DM. They even chant for NPC spells, but their performance seems a little weak. I wish they’d put the same effort into it I do.

So I’m looking for a way to get the whole table to chant our spells together, ideally for the full length of a ritual spell.

15 Comments
2024/06/30
06:12 UTC

39

My Genuine Thoughts On the Monk in 5e

While the 5.5e/OneD&D/6e/Missy Misdemeanor Elliot edition version of whatever this ungodly excuse for a fucking class is supposed to be did a good job making this not complete dogshit, they also fucked it in the ass by making a FULL GODDAMN CASTER DO THE SAME JOB BUT BETTER, WOTC WHY WOULD YOU FUCKING DO THIS YOU MALIGNANT CUNTS HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!?!

But we aren't here to talk about that, we are here to talk about how to make the 5e monk, actually fucking viable.

First things first, All the monk buffs from OneDnD6.5Missy.E, keep them if they ain't broke, don't fucking fix them.

Second, have monks have extra ki points or action points or Kamehameha points or whatever the fuck you wanna call them equal to their proficiency bonus added to their pool, let monks do their cool shit.

Third, GIVE THESE FUCKERS FIGHTING STYLES, make a special version of martial arts that is monk specific that makes it so they can always attack as if they have flurry of blows but if they wanna do it without ki, they can't add their dex mod to damage, have THROWN weapons be monk weapons, give them the ability to take thrown weapon fighting if they want to, also i think barbarian should get fighting styles too for context now.

Fourth, Sun souls ki blasts need to scale better.

Fifth, 4-Elements Monk needs to be Re-Written from the ground up as a half caster, with its own spell list to be remotely viable, I am sorry, and it needs to be able to cast a leveled spell and attack as part of the same action to keep it lore accurate.

14 Comments
2024/06/30
00:40 UTC

133

Bane Should Be An AT WILL Warlock Spell

You heard me fucking right.

That shit should be cast at will.

On Warlocks it should be a bonus action, considered a curse, and cast at the lowest level.

"But... it's such a massive debuff"

It's 1d4, and they get to roll to make the saving throw at the end of every turn, using it every turn would also lock you into eldritch blast spamming, or attacking if you use a weapon, for some reason.

If being able to cast it at will is "too much" for you, really think about what that says about you as a DM.

Bane sucks fucking ass, even if you turned it into a cantrip I frankly feel like it wouldn't be worth casting past 4th level.

I just feel like this spell has no reason to be on the warlocks spell list without a massive buff in power or the ability to spam it, or at least cast it for free, because wasting a spell slot on it is just gross.

21 Comments
2024/06/29
19:50 UTC

159

How do i kindly tell a player to stop chanting verbal components?

Ok, i will keep this short.

One of my players is playing a life domain cleric, everything is fine but there is one singular issue, he always chants the verbal components of his spells in Latin, again there would be no issue, if he didn't make it so long, I'm talking 4 to 5 sentences long, I already told him to make it shorter, he currently does it in 2 sentences, but he does it every single time, for even contrips and level 1 spells, and it's starting to get a bit dense.

I don't really mind him chanting, I do it too with the npcs, but it's short and quick, something that won't take more than 1 or 2 seconds, for high level spells or bosses ultimate moves I do longer ones, because it's immersive for everyone, not just me.

So I'm looking for a way to shid all over the table so that he is distracted and therfore stops chanting

30 Comments
2024/06/29
19:24 UTC

125

Sigh. My flavorful choices make my character weaker.

I know. D&D is about choices.

I am building a character because in game events involving godlike reincarnation scrambled some of my original choices so I have a chance to redo spell choices. My chapter concept is “I am literally better than you in every possible way” so naturally I want to go for every overpowered option I can, but maximizing color means taking what are clearly suboptimal choices. Sigh.

(For example, this character is peace cleric 1/Gloomstalker Ranger 3/Assassin Rogue 3/Divine Soul Sorcerer 5/Vengeance Paladin 6/Hexblade Warlock 2. Thematically, I should keep Silvery Barbs as my level 1 spell, but mechanically, choosing shield frees up a sorcerer slot for gift of alacrity instead of Absorb Elements or something.)

Just looking for commiseration. How often do you sacrifice optimization for theme and color?

29 Comments
2024/06/29
19:19 UTC

17

New DM needs help

Hi!

My party exists in a world where porn magazines are worth a good amount of gold.

They’re level five and found a stash under the BBEG's bed of some uncommon mags.

I offered them 1-2 gold for a lot of monster body parts, which is supposed to be low / mediocre reward.

I want the porn to be really worth their while to collect.

What would you reward per book to not break the game? I don’t want them so rich they can go nut, but I want those porn mags to be worth looting.

5 Comments
2024/06/29
14:43 UTC

96

hey man check out my revised ranger (5.5e)

Ranger

flavor text: wow you're just like aragoon from lord of the rings fr

1st level feature: Survivalism

You learn how to eke out a living in the wilds. over the course of a couple hours you can set up a number of ingenius traps. you can check back at the traps next morning to see if they caught anything (DMs discretion)

2nd level: Hunter's Mark

You carve an identifying marker in your arrows, harpoons, spears, traps and other hunting implements. During disputes with other hunters you may use your mark as proof that a kill is yours to the local authorities mediating the matter, granting advantage to your Persuasion (Cha) check.

3rd level: Hunter's Pride

Holy shit you caught a big one. When you secure a catch that is especially impressive (such as a bear or an unusually large squirrel (DM's discretion)) you feel really good about yourself. Gain 1d6 + your proficiency modifier temporary hitpoints

4th level: Ability Score Improvement

At level 4, 8, 9.5, 12, 16 and 12 again(you have to regress) gain some points and feet or whatever

5th level: Extra Attack

Beginning at 5th level, you can attack twice, instead of once, whenever you take the Attack action on your turn.

6th level: That's Scary

You learn to recognize the telltale signs of predators in the environment, allowing you to accurately identify such an animal's territory. Better avoid it! They're scary.

7th level: Hide

You can now hide from scary animals. Jesus christ that's a grizzly bear I'm so fucked.

9th level: Spellcasting

You can cast spells now but only if you reflavor it as a natural application of your know-how and skills. For example, you can cast Purify Food and Water by washing the food or constructing a water filtration system out of pebbles, sand and charcoal.

If you want to see the rest please subscribe to my Patreon, youtube, twitch, google hangouts, facebook, reddit page, X dot com and bluesky account. Thank you.

19 Comments
2024/06/29
06:08 UTC

113

Remember: fail forward

Come listen, padawans, to sage advice, coming at you from the power of one, two, and even many DnD redditors.

If you dare to take up the hardest job in the world (sorry, mothers) and run Dungeons and Dragons, then you need to master the scientific art of failing forward.

What does that mean? It means that no matter what your players do, they succeed. Did the fighter go down to 0 HP from a spell? Luckily, he sword slipped from his hands as he fell unconscious, flew 30 feet in the air, and stabbed the wizard in the chest.

Did they fail to solve the Sphinx's riddle? It will actually be really attracted to the muscly himbos in your party (it sees smart people all day).

So yes; try this one trick, and your players will do you the honor of showing up every other week.

22 Comments
2024/06/29
05:58 UTC

216

My players beat a boss instantly by ignoring the rules of the spell/item they used to do it? Should I TPK them for this?

My party used a [Create and destroy water, plant growth, immovable rod, teleport, ect] to instantly kill my dragon BBEG by [making water in their lungs, growing a tree inside him because he ate lunch, put an immovable rod in it's mouth, telefragged, ect] and this really trivialized the encounter? Ignoring the fact I as the DM could've just said this doesn't work because these spells and items don't work like that based on their descriptions so them working is homebrew (Homebrew is evil).

So my question is should I kill my players since I let them do this? AITA for being annoyed that they made their epic dnd wins story at the expense of my bbeg I spent 5 years setting up?

66 Comments
2024/06/29
02:32 UTC

118

How dare your moronic and controlling DM ban 5 spells from 5e that is totally modular and can be easily homebrewed to do any genre or style of play?!

Okay this noob was obviously too dimwitted to know they had a red flag wearing DM that banned Shield, Silvery Barbs, Polymorph, and Slow and modified Mage Armor to last 1 min/level. Now this poor fool was just looking on advice on how to play a wizard effectively with those changes but don't worry, the good people of r/DnD told him that OP's DM was a moron and crazy and is clearly going to ban tons and tons of class features and doesn't know how to balance encounters and hates spellcasters and doesn't know about saving throws. Really hope the guy doesn't have his experience ruined on this gross stupid table that's removed or modified <1% of available spells!

Edited to add: Oh it looks like the guy enjoyed himself and took the actual gameplay advice he did get to play his wizard effectively. Obviously the DM was altering the game to almost unrecognizable levels by banning 5 spells, was too kind, and wasn't attacking the OP's character. And the only reason he enjoyed a game like this was because he didn't get the orgasmic experience of casting shield and silvery barbs.

53 Comments
2024/06/28
18:22 UTC

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