Smack people fun. Smack people nice. Me line smack people. But, smack people better when reason. But when not-smacking, not happy. So, when not-smacking happen, what do? Me only know smacking, because that fun, but talking walking not fun.

Hey guys, experienced*^(1)* DM u/papanarwhal here! Ever felt like your 5e combats are too bland, and your martials are falling behind your casters in terms of DPR^(2)? Well, I'm pleased to tell you that I've got the perfect solution for you!

You see, most video-game-poisoned DMs run lazy and uninspired combats where the only goal is to reduce an enemy's HP to 0. You idiots... you buffoons! This is why your combats are boring: your players are spending their whole combat encounters fighting, when they could be completing special combat objectives!

Making Combat Interesting

For example, what if instead of fighting a bunch of goblins in a cave purely for the sake of violence, you have to defend an NPC from waves of goblins in a cave? We all know that gamers love missions where you have to escort a useless NPC through danger, so why not try incorporating some of those as well? 5e has an assortment of defensive options^(3) for your players to use to redirect aggro from the enemies, so why not let your party's tank get a chance to shine?

Or what if instead of fighting the dragon, you have to make your way over to the lever on the other end of his cave which instantly defeats him when pulled? Better yet, give the dragon unlimited regeneration which only turns off when the lever is pulled, to punish your players for daring to face a challenge head-on!

You may find that these sorts of combat objectives are useful tools to spice up your encounters every once in a while, but you would be wrong. Every encounter should incorporate at least two objectives, no ifs, ands, or buts. If you're having trouble thinking of how to have an objective in your combat, it must be because you're not trying hard enough, you talentless fraud.

Battle against the Dark Lord? Maybe the party needs to deactivate all nine of his shielding altars (DC 12 Arcana check for each)!

Battle against an army of fiends? Maybe the party has to spend five rounds drawing a banishment circle in the middle of the 30ft x 30ft square room!

Battle against the monk's evil father? Maybe the monk has to rearrange the furniture in the room to resemble his childhood home (while the rest of the party gets stuck with the tedious labor of actually fighting the guy)!

The Martial-Caster Divide

Combat objectives also make martials better in encounters by giving them busywork engaging tasks to complete!

In the dragon example, no matter how strong the casters are, they won't be able to defeat the regenerating dragon by damage alone. They'll rely on their martial sidekick who spends three turns taking the Dash action to run over to the lever and pull it, so that the casters can then deliver the finishing blow, thus allowing everyone to participate in the battle! The casters couldn't have simply used a spell to get over there quicker, because that would mean preparing a non-damage spell, which would reduce their potential DPR.

Of course, don't make the tasks too difficult for martials since, as we all know, people who play fighter have the average intelligence of a 6-year-old and are thus unable to perform any action more complicated than attacking four times per turn. I find that a healthy balance is to give them exactly one way to complete the encounter, so that they don't get too bogged down with options. Instead of letting them look at their character sheet and get overwhelmed by the number of actions, I instead give them a single bespoke action to do the correct way to end the encounter, thus ensuring that they don't deviate too far from my script notes.

Conclusion

These simple fixes can easily be applied to any encounter and will drastically increase not only the balance of the game, but also your players' enjoyment of the game (I assume... I have never actually implemented these changes into my game). I bring this up every time somebody complains about combat because they're clearly too stupid to have thought of such simple solutions.

Footnotes:

1. I DMed two one-shots in the summer of 2019, and skimmed the DMG when I bought the 5e starter set.
2. DPR = damage per round, a.k.a. the only way to gauge combat effectiveness.
3. I will not elaborate on what these defensive options are.

I recently tried DMing Any Other TTRPG™️ and combat is way too fast for my liking. Fights in 5e usually take an hour or more, which I like because it gives me time to make a sandwich or file my taxes while the rogue tries to understand how Sneak Attack works again. Play also has a natural break every five minutes when a player wants to do anything other than swing a sword, and I like the lack of momentum as I have to improvise a ruling on the spot, decide how to squeeze it into the action economy, and then the inevitable debate when the player is unhappy with my offer.

Any Other TTRPG™️ doesn’t have any of 5e’s lack of rhythm, and it’s really jarring. Player abilities are easier to understand, and there’s both easily-referenced rules for everything/the rules are abstract enough so the players can be creative without breaking the game balance. How do I fix this?

Nothing prompted this specifically, I just don't see people talking about this a lot.

I want to take a moment to remind people (especially players) that DMs are just narrators and rules to test. They're little shits who haven't worked hard to create a whole sandbox world, storyline, or NPCs for their players. They're subhuman filth who don't need to balance encounters, keep track of backstories, or plan every session, changing the course of the story based on the actions of the players.

No DMs take pride in their work, seeing as it's something they've put no time and effort into. And no DMs are excited to see their players interact with the lore, encounters, characters, and/or situations they've planned.

This is also why it's important to disrespect your DM and the storyline, at least a little bit. D&D is all about the freedom to do almost anything. So when you do things like mess with the NPCs or test the limits of the world, with the sole intent of being annoying or funny, not only is it hillarious to everyone there, but it can also hurt a DM

Last thing I'll say: Tell your DM when you think they're doing a shit job. If you hated the session, and if you were bored, kill them. They deserve it.

In chronological order, the sequences I’ve tried:

• The “Meet Cute” (players failed to provide the dialogue necessary to make it a good scene)
• The “Preserve the Race Dilemma" (player rolled a nat 20 on investigating whether they were really the last of their species)
• The “Bottle Episode” (the only two who could make it that weekend both fell ill (“conveniently” after they learned they’d be the only ones))
• The “Aristocrats” (the players all left once they recognized the set-up to the joke, I blame that NPC for phoning it in)
• The “In Minecraft” (I forgot my mod list was set to public smh)

I was led to believe by Gary Gee that the DM was basically able to summary execute anyone who even opens the DMG, and I’ve memorized the “Approached by a Woman of the Night” d100 table.

Is this what 24e means for the meta-gamer? If so, I’m out.

This candidate to My Game™, who clearly doesn’t have my cool 34 years of My DD Experience™, had to submit a Character Proposition™ to my evaluation.

So immediately flooded him with a huge, very long email about My Lore™, My World™, My Authority™ and My D™, incluse hyperlinks to My Lore Website™ containing 300 pages of detailed information about every fucking little thing in My World™.

A normal candidate would peruse it all with great interest and ask questions, but this candidate didn’t ask a single question! Then he stupidly asked (lol!) about a particular rule, even though My Website covers it, showing he didn’t even take 40 hours to read it.

So I promptly found him online to judge his social media photos. What a pathetic dumbo LOL! His photos of him all all contained him, and his job is shit. I even saw he had his heart broken, what a pathetic little shit! The funniest shit was a hat he seems to like. Yeah, he’s that kind of "person".

Then he asked for more details about something My Lore™ and My Website™ didn’t cover at all: spells. I replied he could fuck himself. He showed no respect to My World™ by asking no questions at all.

Finally he came back with an original character concept based of magical tattoos. I decided to be the Bigger and Higher Person™ and told him to go fuck himself TROLOLO. I have no respect for him or his time.

Damn he’s so stupid!

So yeah, I’m looking for another candidate for My Game™. As a DM I am very open and respectful and absolutely not stuck-on My Lores™. I also go great lenght to give a place in My World™ to accepted candidates by allowing them to have a basic, simple backstory.

Hi guys. Here’s some background before I get into it. I’m an undergraduate student, in a tabletop games cult where I’ve been forced against my will into a 5e game to play in, based on sign ups.

This campaign is unusual as it's a non-magical homebrew, which is out of my comfort zone. But I'm not a new player, I've been in this cult for a while now, even DM'd myself, and I have a character that I love that should fit well in this world.

The problem here is with the DM. They hold 10 hour sessions in a pretend-democracy. We vote on things, but they send out the Gestapo to intimidate voters so there's no real freedom of speech. Even if the vote does go through, the DM can and will veto it.

I'm basically held against my will at this table, unable to move from my seat with chronic back pain and told no when I kindly ask to go to the bathroom. The schedule is run in the evening and stretches all the way into the night and next morning. I haven't bathed or seen my kids in months. I hope they're still alive and figured out how to open the canned beans in the upper cabinet.

I'm too afraid to voice my opinion because then I'll be singled out and the DM might get mad at me, which is the worse possible thing that could happen. Literally world ending because they have so much power and control. They're a big player in the cult, you see. They might boot me from the cult if I don't comply.

I've never encountered this kind of issue in all the time I've played D&D and would appreciate any advice. I'm signing this anonymously under a different username because I don't want to get in trouble and everyone else at the table is too afraid to reach out for help. We're all very scared and also uncomfortable.

Am I overreacting?

I've been playing DnD for fun, on-and-off, since 2022. I have a few books and modules that have been published by various companies over the years. When I DM, I combine them any way I want to, and the proliferation of rule changes and the drama with WoTC and Hasbro only distracts from the point of the game: to have fun. A while ago, I recognized that the introduction of books promoting tabletop games using "official" rules was a money grab intended to gradually standardize everything into a money grab dominated by DM railroading rather than promote creative growth. I refuse to use any rulebook owned or run by WoTC or Hasbro, and I won't spend a penny on more rulebooks / modules when I can see they are just going to release another batch in a few years.

Be me, living in r/dndcirclejerk

Talk about how 3.5 is the best edition and it fixes everything

Get a message from another redditor saying they wanna get a 3.5 game together with a bunch of the dndcirclejerks

Play session one

Rant about my schedule because I have to go on strike for my union job

DM says he’s got a job if I’m interested, pays well. Canvassing for a super pac

Fly out, whole thing is a scam. Have to sign a contract under duress. Gets pay shorted, gets hours shorted. Still can barely make rent. Working 10-11 hours a day and getting paid for 8-9.

DM is there suffering too, also scammed. We’re stuck there a month waiting for the election so that it’d be over.

Barely stay sane throughout the whole ordeal. Find 3.5 core rule books at an LGS tho.

3.5 didn’t fix this, still gonna abuse savage species and play a merfolk riding a warhorse in his campaign. Fuck politics and super pacs

Sorry if I missed some

View Poll

Summon Goku

13th level conjuration

Casting time: 1 Action

Range: 90 feet

Components: V, S, M (7 dragon balls)

Duration: Concentration, up to 1 hour

You summon Goku, who immediately Neg diffs everyone in the multiverse, because he is gokuversal and scales wayyyyy higher than your mid verse. GET DEBUNKED

Spell lists. Wizard

Just a reminder that the average D&D player literally could care less about your "worldbuilding" or "story" or "characters". It's frankly boring at best and unfathomably cringe at worst to sit at an RPG table and have to listen to some shitty exposition about the kingdom of who-gives-a-shit and a bunch of stupid NPCs.

And for players, remember nobody actually cares about your character (unless they're a human fighter who used to be a town guard).

It's why my current group consists of four Battlefield Effect Generators who explore dungeons consisting of rooms filled with Hostile Non Player Characters that they kill without needing to worry about roleplay.

Edit: how could I forget the best way to run a campaign is with no prep, I can be ready to run a proper D&D session with no time needed to set up, just give me a random encounter table and I can make a proper dungeon crawl (the only thing D&D should be about)

Edit 2: I see the emo amdram kids (I'm sorry World of Darkness players, I'm sure people really care about your gothic vampiresona) have been upset by these hard truths but the fact remains it's frankly embarrassing to think people care about RP

I posted on here a few weeks ago about my social problems with the people I spend time with. They’re not as well adjusted as me so needless to say there were A LOT of problems.

I tried everything. Posting to forums. Fudging crits against them. Cancelling sessions last minute. You name it.

Some comments suggested that I “communicate my expectations” and “explain my point of view” to the plebeians in question. Wow, okay, a little bit out there, but I was at my wits end and willing to try anything at this point.

And would you believe it, it worked! By simply explaining how their behaviour was making me feel, it magically made it change!

https://www.reddit.com/r/DMAcademy/s/TJkhFS521a

All I ever see on this sub is how great Pathfinder 2e is. Where it really matters, though, active players, it seems the majority actually prefer the messy action economy and martial-caster disparity D&D provides. Curious. Is it possible /r/DnDcirclejerk doesn't represent the real salt-of-the-earth people who don't realize there are options outside of D&D? Maybe being smug about "reading the rules" doesn't feel quite so satisfying now? Maybe John Hasbro really does know a thing or two about what the people want (digital microtranactions)?

Oh, you say I'm astroturfing every sub with these? Seethe harder, nerds.

time to start posting about how the new options suck and are underpowered based on your feverish reading ten seconds after it drops

I've just got off the phone with a police officer who lectured me about my calling of 911 to report a crime following our last session. So, at least according to Officer Devon of the Tessereau Police Department, I am indeed the asshole. But Reddit is my trusted go-to source for good DND related takes and guidance, and I was hoping you people could hear my story and let me know if I was truly in the wrong here.

Context:
Me, DM, 23, Virgo, 5'10"
Cassie, Artificer, 25, Scorpio, 4'11"
Markus, Warlock, 31, Cancer, 6'3"
David, Bard, Virgo, 22, 5'7"

The party was milling about in Vickleyburg, one of the many cities along their journey to the Beetlebell Empire. The session was going pretty smoothly, and everyone was finishing up their shopping before heading back out on the road.

I was about five La Croix Pamplemousses in at this point, so I really had to use the bathroom. I paused the session for a bio break, and, as fate would have it, that meant a very well-timed opportunity to eavesdrop on my players. (I know we all do it, but I always feel a tinge of guilt that the bathroom is right next to the kitchen we hold our sessions in, and they don't seem to notice I never turn on the fan... Still, what better way to get real feedback from my players than to have them think I'm not there?).

As I was taking care of business, I started listening in to the table talk between Cassie, Markus, and David. It started off pretty banal, mostly discussing their plans for the marching order and comparing recently-acquired items. Then David dropped a bombshell that made me audibly gasp.

"Guys, I think I want to steal from the Apothecary. They had a potion that was way overpriced and I want to teach them a lesson." Needless to say, I waited with bated breath, hoping Cassie or Markus would jump in and steer him back onto the right path.

Instead, after a pause, I heard Cassie say, "Well, what's your stealth?"

"Plus three."

Then Markus chimed in: "[DM] usually sets the DC at like 10 for everything, you'll be fine. I say go for it."

I put my head in my hands--what the heck were they thinking? Well, if Cassie and Markus weren't going to be the voice of reason, I decided I'd have to be it myself. I hatched a plan...

When I came back from the bathroom, I was all smiles, like a secret agent trying to gain the enemy's trust. "Have a nice chat while I was gone?" I asked innocently, cracking open another La Croix.

The three looked at each other with grins, and David didn't waste any time. "I want to go back to the Apothecary."

"Oh? Why's that?"

David hesitated a little, then actually admitted his plans outright. "I want to try to steal that potion." I was flabbergasted--he wasn't even hiding his intentions. I threw my plan out the window and engaged with him directly.

"So, you're telling me that you want to commit a crime according to the laws of Vickleyburg?"

"I want to try."

"You realize there will be consequences, right?"

"Well, I hope to roll well and not have to find out what those are." Okay then, new plan time.

I let him try it, and he rolled an 11, so it did work--at least, so he thought.

I allowed the session to proceed as normal, but as soon as everyone left, I dialed 911 and reported that a theft had taken place. The response time was average for my city, and I was talking to an officer on my doorstep within 23 minutes.

Honestly, he was pretty unsupportive. After taking my report, he started by asking why I didn't let the Vickleyburg cops handle it instead. I obviously responded that Vickleyburg existed within my kitchen, thus placing it within the jurisdiction of the Tessereau Police Department. Then he asked why I didn't just prevent David from stealing the potion, since I was the DM. "Uh, I think we've all seen Minority Report by now, it's 2024," was all I had to say to shut him up. He closed his notebook and said he'd look into it.

That night I slept pretty soundly, admittedly a little prideful of how strictly I hold my players to their characters' alignments. But this morning, as I said above, I got a call back from the police. I thought it would be a follow up letting me know David needed to post bail. Instead, I got chewed out for an hour and a half about wasting department time and resources blah blah blah.

So, Reddit, AITA?

I am a beginner DM and I dont want to reward my players.

After overthrowing an Evil McJoe, magic item colector, they want to loot his collection, but I dont want to somehow "reward" my players in any form. Is there a way someone could have eaten all the items (in game)??

Bob's trying to get a campaign started but Bob needs at least 1 to 2 more players. It's a homebrew world loosely based on a variety of heavy metal albums that tell fantasy based stories, like Rhapsody of Fire. It's a slightly steampunk world where the world was broken and the races were transformed into beast folk. It's a very good vs evil style campaign. Bob has homebrewed some of the rules as well, as well as added many homebrew races. Bob doesn't want players who believe in OP character creation, but rather want to build player's character strong eventually. This is Bob's first time DMing, so patience would also be appreciated. The hope is to play Friday evenings, possibly Saturday afternoons.

A bit about Bob... Bob is a Christian and conservative. Bob doesn't mind swearing at the table so long as it's all in good fun. Bob doesn't care what race, religion, or background player is, just so long as you don't play to push player's ideologies. NO PRONOUNS, both for player or player's character. Bob just want's this to be about having fun, playing through a dark fantasy where players get along as players and save the world.

DM Bob if player has questions and/or interest.

By the way, this campaign is played online through Roll20, dnd beyond and discord. Bob'd love to play this in person, but one of Bob's players lives in Victoria, so that's just not possible.

We have the new PHB, and we have a sense of what all the classes can do and how they all have various mechanisms to help with controlling enemies, dealing extra damage, or performing more actions per combat. We even have the DMG, which has updated encounter building guidelines that we could be using to test out encounters against these new classes in a variety of ways.

And while testing things out in a meaningfully concrete way sounds well and good, until we see the Monster Manual we will not be able to find the weirdest edge cases and hold them over our heads for the next ten years. Did you like people bringing up Shadows and the way they are hard to balance in encounters with death spiral mechanics? Well wait until we get our hands on hard lockdown enemies against two players, ignoring all guidance on how to build with balanced encounters with a full party.

Or better yet, we need to wait for the first somewhat dodgy supplement book comes out. You think the Dusk Hag was bad? Let's wait until someone comes out with something where we can engineer the perfect circumstance of ambush and favorable conditions for a particular kind of glass canon statblock to declare that CR is still broken.

Just be patient my miserable, terminally online compatriots. We have long run out of constructive things to discuss about how to play this game, but fret not. There will be a tremendous outpouring of things to be needlessly pedantic on.

As we all know, casters are reality warpers, and we know that because we keep repeating that nonstope, and the term SOUNDS strong so that must make casters strong, so I thought about setting limits to spellcasting so it isn't game breaking

-Invisibility no longer allows you to automatically succeed at stealth checks, and only allows you to be heavily obscured for the purpose of hiding, so a Sorcerer cannot outclass the Rogue in stealth.

-Knock now produces an extremely loud noise that alerts everyone within 300 feet, so it's not a replacement for thieves' tools.

-Wall of force is now movable as any regular object, and you cannot cast spells through it.

-If you use Wish to try and kill a creature, you are instead sent to the future where they're dead, removing you from the game.

-You cannot use simulacrum on a creature unless they're a beast or humanoid so cannot make a simulacrum of your own simulacrum.
You also do not control the simulacrum made by your own simulacrum.

Uj/ These rulings are all RAW by the way.
That's the joke.