Venting. I recognize I may have it easier than some and worse than others. I'm not looking for advice necessarily; maybe my story will resonate with some of you that lurk this sub like I did all last month.

A little less than a week ago, I was relieved to have got my Dad into Memory Care. I had to start the process all over yesterday and contend with a hospital and Memory Care not wanting to hold him.

My Dad was diagnosed with dementia in 2022 after he tried to stab my wife. He had a stint in Memory Care and seemed to improve well. My mom and I started to take care of him at home in 2023, and we also hired a part time helper for support.

Well, about 3.5 weeks ago he attacked my mom, saying he was going to kill her. I had to pin him to the floor while she called emergency services. They sent him to the ER. He passed a psych evaluation (5150) but they kept him on a medical hold since there's no way to keep my mom safe at home with him.

I got him into memory care in a little over 2 weeks. He spent about 6 days at the new memory care. On the 6th day (yesterday), he ended up attacking staff members. Got sent to a different hospital due to location. Passed another psych eval. This hospital sees no reason to hold him despite the violence, however.

I pleaded with 2 different social workers, 2 doctors, and 1 very tired ER nurse yesterday and today. Pretty sure I did a decent job of being respectful, but I had to make sure to be an advocate for my dad as I arranged a new facility during a long weekend. Also worked with 3 different placement agencies in the last 24 hours.

Just got word my dad was admitted to a hospital room. I'm relieved, but wary that I've got to start the facility search again. I just visited 2 more facilities today and have reached out to those that accepted him a week ago.

Ok, maybe here's one question. Is medicine the only effective way to deal with violent aggression?

I was really active on this sub until my mom passed away this past June. I never thought I'd leave this sub but it got too hard for me to be here. I come back and glance through every now and then just so I can see how you all are doing. I'm really thankful this sub exists.

I have a copy of the 36 hour day that I will happily mail to anyone in the US for free. Its a great book, I got it for my dad to read but he was too stubborn in denial to learn about my moms disease.

If your loved one has been diagnosed then this is a good reference book.

My mom's hallucinations are always scary. Someone dying, someone being mean, spiders, scorpions, car wrecks...it's always bad. She insists she hears people whispering in her ear and telling us repeatedly to call and check on a loved one because she thinks they're hurt. We have to pretend to. The nursing home doesn't want to give her an antipsychotic. At one point they suggested sending her to a psyche ward for a week. That made me so mad. My mom isn't mentally ill. She has dementia. They said she'd have to have a diagnosis of schizophrenia from the psychiatrist to give an antipsychotic. I don't understand and don't know what to do.

So my dad has Lewy Body Dementia. He's lucid sometimes, often hallucinating, but there's part of him that's still there.

His ex-wife, which according to him was the love of his life, died to overdose Friday. (This was not my mom, it was my step-mom and mother to two of his children).

The family is debating even telling him. On one hand, depriving someone the opportunity to go to a funeral and say goodbye feels cruel. On the other hand, I'm afraid it'll be so traumatic it'll worsen his disease progression and just make him more miserable when he is lucid.

Him knowing feels like his right, but not knowing feels like what's best for his well-being. Any advice?

I guess this is mostly a vent. I'm in my 20's and living with my parents and sibling. My dad has dementia, and it's been progressing. He asks me the same question multiple times in a single conversation. He sees me eating a cookie and asks if it's good, not knowing that he's had one every single day for the last few days because I baked them a few days ago. Occasionally in the evening he wanders out from the bathroom wearing just a shirt and Depends.

I've considered moving out because I feel like it's time, because I wish I could be more independent and have my own space. If I did move out, I think I'd be lonely and struggle, but I'm struggling now -- it's hard watching him decline, and it's frustrating being turned into the parent myself. But I know that if I move out, his already limited world gets even smaller, because he doesn't talk to or see that many people to begin with. That's one of the things that's kept me here for so long.

A few months ago he point-blank told me that he doesn't want me to move out. He wants me to stay. I know I don't have to do everything that my parents say, especially at my big age, but... now I'd feel so guilty leaving.

I'm probably going to move out at some point. It's just really frustrating.

Today we took lo to the craft show. Everything was ok. Went to dinner.

Roasted chicken and mashed potatoes. She used to love it. No teeth now so she can't eat alot but she still can eat mashed potatoes. Tonight she didn't like it. Tried to get her to eat and she was adversarial. So embaressing. We were fighting in the restaurant. Now we can't go back there again

My mom is really sick. She started showing signs of dementia just a couple years ago. Ive done alot of volunteer work with dementia patients so i saw the signs long before my siblings were ready to accept this was anything other then age related forgetfulness. My father refuses to take her to the doctor and is treating her with supplements and coconut oil. He is still working (mostly from home) at 81 and leaves her alone and unsupervised for most of the day. I am sure all of this(lack of care and loving support at home) is adding the her quick decline :-( I knew things were bad but i didnt realize just how bad until i traveled home for the holiday to spend some time with her and help out around the house/cook her a thanksgiving meal while she still remembers who i am. Except she wasnt really sure who I was. Sometimes i was her "beautiful daughter" and other times i was her niece or a cousin. Mom and i didnt always get along throughout my life. We both started trying harder about 7 years or so ago, and since she's been sick, well, we have never been closer. Of course this is likely why my heart is in literal pieces. Not that it wouldn't be hard regardless, but my whole life, growing up, i ached to have this type of relationship with my mom. And now i finally do and i am losing her. I cried for my entire long drive home. I didnt want to leave. I am so afraid that once winter has passed and i am able to travel back to see her again, she wont have any idea who I am. I know everybody has to face losing their parents at some point in their lives. Im not special. Its just, there has never been this deep of a love between us before. Its all ive ever wanted and now i finally have it, and her brain is dying and i am going to lose her. I am not prepared and i am most certainly not ok..

I'm in my late 30s and started to feel I have a death sentence. Dementia is running into my Family, My mother developed yearly onset frontotemporal dementia behaviour type, at 67 she is already at later stage, even her older memories are faulty filling up the holes with false memories, she is also getting very emotionally and verbally abusive. My father have yearly onset alcoholic dementia at 69, he is also at later stage but he is also getting a lot of benzos and alcohol at same time which at times feels way worse, his brain scan is like on 90y old. His father died from Alzheimer's at 80 and I'm pretty sure his grandfather also had dementia. My other Grandfather had Parkinson's, but at least he lived to 90 and only passed away from first wave covid. My memories were very sharp and crisp until my last Omicron covid infection, which left me with constant brainfog. I also have history of PTSD and Chronic Depression. So I now feel afraid for the future while bear witness to my parents fast progression into this terrible illness.

My 61 year old mother is days away from dying. She has had early onset Frontotemporal lobe for over 10 years, and went into a home in 2019. She’s just a body in a bed, and has been for quite some time. I miss her everyday, but old her. I’ve grieved her already I think. It is definitely heartbreaking and awful that my own mother will be leaving this world, but I am going to be so relieved that she doesn’t have to live this way any longer. What a fucking sin.

My mom passed peacefully and quietly yesterday after 9 days of being at her bedside.

I’ve had so much time to think over this last week, but mostly I am just angry at this devastating disease and the suffering our loved ones (and families) have to go through before they find peace.

The last six months of my mom’s life were excruciating and traumatic. And the five years before that were so difficult and sad. This has gone on so long that I’m struggling right now to find memories that don’t involve this disease and I’m angry about that too.

My thanks and sincere appreciation to everyone on this sub… Reading your posts over these years helped me to realize that I wasn’t alone ❤️

I am a longtime follower and first time poster.

My mom was diagnosed with dementia about 3 years ago. She was living at home with her husband and had a part-time caregiver for the past 6 months. The caregiver has been incredible, but reached her limit a few weeks ago. We were left with no choice but to move her in to memory care.

The move-in has been really difficult. They first said she could be in assisted living. We tried to move her in on Friday, but she had low blood pressure and they asked me to take her to the hospital. I spent 10 hours in the hospital with her and it turns out she had (yet another) UTI. I tried to drop her back at the home around midnight but she was angry and yelling and tried to run out of a door. I decided she needed memory care instead and took her home that night. I could not sleep at all. I doubted whether memory care was right and thought I could be her caregiver, but my brother talked me out of this.

Luckily the facility had a memory care opening in a shared room and we moved her in today. My brother and I spent about an hour there. We lied to her and told her we were going out for lunch. She seemed to realize where she was eventually and quietly told me she doesn’t want to live here. It broke my heart. I told her it was only temporary and we would be back soon before leaving. I barely made it to the elevator and started heavily sobbing.

I feel ill. I have never experienced such emotional pain in my life. No matter how many times I tell myself it’s the right thing, it still feels so incredibly wrong. Dementia is the absolute worst. I am angry at this world and the general lack of acceptance of euthanasia for people.

I just needed to vent and thank you all for sharing your stories. This place has been an incredible source for me during these difficult times. Stay strong.

My mom most likely suffers of Alzheimer's and my dad had been taking care of her until recently. I'm not sure what stage she is in but it's bad - she forgets to feed the dog, herself - she forgets most things within 5 minutes.

My father did not cope well with her disease and it caused endless fights about lost items and other things she forgot. Also, my mom became mean to him. She kept nagging and scolding him for the most ridiculous reasons. I heard that becoming mean is a symptom of Alzheimer's, though.

Now my dad is in the hospital. He was put under medically induced coma for beginning heart failure. My brother and I are scared he will not survive. However, my mom seems to be indifferent. When told that he was in coma she only said what good insurance he has. When visiting him, seeing him under coma, there was no emotion. Do Alzheimer patients lose the ability to be scared or to grieve?

Thank you for explaining if you can.

I have never felt more alone than I have in this journey. Slowly losing my loved one and watching her suffer whilst simultaneously watching the people that shared the good times with her disappear into thin air. It’s shown my family members for what they really are. My husband and I have struggled for four years with next to zero help from the rest of the family, now my loved one has just been placed in a care home despite every effort we made to avoid it. I tried to get a schedule together for visits, so we don’t all show up at once, and the answer is no one is coming. It’s just me and my husband, again. Forever.

Just a vent I wish I could share with my aunt.

If you are the kind of person who decides to make an impending death all about you and you disrespect the family’s wishes and text rants to us to say how poorly we are treating you, you can fuck right off. I hope your pillow is always warm, that you have explosive diarrhea at the store, and that your food tastes bland forever.

Don’t tell us how important she was in your children’s’ lives because, at 48, I can count on one hand the number of times I have seen you and your family in my life. And I sure as shit remember every story about you and how mean you were to her for decades, despite being sisters.

If we say don’t come today, it’s a bad day - then don’t come. Don’t reply “too bad, I’m coming anyway.” Don’t put her husband and caregivers in that position. Don’t make the day harder than it is. You get to go home - they don’t.

And don’t be surprised when you discover I have unfriended you and all of your children -whom I barely know so no big loss there- because you’ve shown me who you are and I am not interested in your mess.

Oh, and yes, I support my dad’s decision to deny future visits. You didn’t deserve to be in her life at her best, you certainly don’t deserve to be there at her death.

My Mom needs meds. Our neurologist is going to start her on the basic medicine should push to skip all the first lines? She’s delusional and hallucinating. Not sleeping so far neurologist has left the GP keep her on Lorazepam but it’s just not working. Help. Opinion on meds. I need real life what worked — I trust neurologist but he knows I’m in medical field so he is wishy washy me.

I recently moved in to my Dad who has Dementia. I've been feeding him well during the daytime. 3 solid meals plus a protein smoothie that I make up. He never finishes his meal. However, in the middle of the night he will eat anything and everything that he can find. He has a really sweet tooth along with diabetes. I'm trying to find all the oreo stashes and replace them with something healthier. Also have been getting up and checking things out when I hear noise.

Does anybody have any recommendations on how to deal with a Dementia patient when they go into Raccoon mode? When he goes to bed his glucose is 130-150. When he gets up, he's up around 300.

My mom is in about year 4 of Alzheimer’s. Her speech quickly diminished and she is almost non-verbal. But her physical body is strong and she can walk for hours. What do you do with your LO with aphasia? We walk, I show her photos, my dog visits with her in memory care. I talk to her but bc of the ALZ, she can’t do too much now and isn’t really interested in things any longer. Any suggestions? Thanks!

I’m 66m recently diagnosis with mild dementia. My question is it seems most posts involve females, does anyone have experience with a male member of your family? Does anyone know if females suffer from dementia more than males? All comments are welcome. Thank you.

Mom suffered for the last 8 years in various different homes. As her disease progressed she had to be moved to facilities that could handle her advancing care needs. It’s been so hard to watch her suffer, and been so hard on us. I have 3 sisters and we stood vigil for the last 4 days while she transitioned to her next journey, and were able to hold her hands as she passed. It’s not fair and not for the faint-of-heart. But hang in there. Keep supporting however you can and be present wherever you can. This is important work. Thank you for listening.

Is anyone caretaker for spouse of war veteran (Korea or other) that was able to get financial help? I’ve been told my mom may be eligible.

Hi there

I am wondering if there is anyone in Australia who has experience with going down the path of their loved one going into care?

I am wondering about the costs associated with this?

Eg how is the spot in care paid for? I know this is probably going to be a complicated question, but any help would be appreciated or even where to start looking for costs.

I’m a while away having to make this decision but I like to be informed of what is to come :)

My mom is in her 90's and was diagnosed with Alzheimer's a couple years ago, which has slowly progressed. She still knows who I am, but basically worries and obsesses (which she has always done) in a more confused and repetitive way.

On Sept. 1st, she moved to a new facility. It's a memory care unit at a local location of a large national chain. I'd rate the care there as ok, but not great. I just received a letter from them about their rate increase effective January 1, 2025, which will bring charges from over $8,000/month to over $8,500/month. Luckily, my mom has long term care insurance which offsets some of this, but only about half.

I guess that rate increases are unavoidable, but it's frustrating to be hearing of it just 3 months after moving in (and paying a $2,500 move in fee). This company bills separately for the room rate, a charge for administering medications and for the level of care that is required. My mom is currently at the least expensive level of care that they list for memory care, but the next tier is $1500/month more and I'm concerned that they'll claim that is necessary shortly,

My question is whether any of you have experience discussing/negotiating rate increases with facilities. My instinct is that it won't do any good and could alienate them when there's other things that need to be addressed. My mom is physically healthy and I'm concerned about her money running out and having to move to a Medicaid facility.

One thing that irritated me about this is when I first toured the place, the woman that showed me around quoted me a specific price for the room. I told her that I was going to look around some more and get back to them. I came back 4 days later and said that I wanted to go ahead and have my mom move in a week and the sales manager told me that he needed to go in another room and check what the computer said that the room price is "today" and he came back with a price that was $5/day more than what they had told me days before.

In other situations, that tactic would have caused me to walk out, but we were desperate and I didn't want to make waves. I thought that maybe I could remind them of that to negotiate the amount of the rate increase, but the time to push back on it was probably when they first proposed it.

Do any of you have any feedback based on your experience with this?

Thanks.

What the heck do you say when they demand an explanation of the secrets you are supposedly keeping?

My loved one is often rational but has hallucinations and delusions when she's sleepy or has a bad day. Usually they're benign, but once in a while she has a paranoid spell where she demands to know "what's going on". She thinks people are doing something and keeping it secret from her. If we ask her what she means, she gets pissed and says "don't pretend you don't know." Saying nothing is going on, or telling her the boring truth like "we're unloading the dishwasher," just provokes demands for the truth.

I just don't know how to respond to this to defuse it. If she wants to tell me about her hallucinations, I'm happy to nod and make sympathetic listening noises, but she's demanding nonexistent information from me and I've got nothing! Anybody got tips?

My dad is several years into a dementia diagnosis. He's always been straight as far as I know. He married my mom and had 5 kids, and I've never seen him show any attraction to men until this year. Things he's done in this time:

• walk up to my shirtless male neighbor and say "wow, you've got a hot body!"

• mention someone he knew in high school and say "I was in love with him, but we never did anything. I didn't touch his penis."

• talk about male body parts a lot in general, in inappropriate contexts

• a character on TV said they were bisexual, and he laughed and said "hey, me too!"

Is it possible he always had feelings toward men and just repressed them? Or can dementia cause people's sexual orientations to change? It doesn't matter either way, I guess I'm just curious.

My grandmother, who I love very much, was diagnosed with alzheimers around 3-4 years ago and has been declining lately. I went to visit her the other day and she is certainly much worse than the last time I saw her. She still remembers me fine, and can tell some stories, but is very forgetful with everyday activities. For example she would ask me if I would like a cup of tea, I’d decline, and then she’d ask me a minute later, and did this around 5x. She would also forget where she puts the caps to bottles or milk cartons, and forgets other information. She has been like this probably for 1.5yr now, but is definitely worse now. I’m glad she can still remember important stuff, but I’m worried about how much longer I’ll have her before she can’t remember much at all, including family members. I was just wondering how much longer I’ve got with her in a relatively good frame of mind (relative to alzheimers) where she can remember me and have conversations?

My boyfriend’s dad (68) has early stages of dementia. He has been evaluated and he is not ready for advanced care. His wife (my bf’s mom) hosts holidays and birthdays so we visit often. Unfortunately, I (30, female) am the target of harassment from his father. He’ll tug or stroke my hair, grab my arms, comment on my body, or poke me if i have my back turned to him. I’ve clearly and loudly verbalized— stop, don’t do that, i do not want you touching me, etc and am not sure what else to do. I’m uncomfortable around him and have anxiety about going there for holidays. My boyfriend (39) suggests I be more assertive but am unsure what that entails. What would you do?

Dementia is a once-lovely cabin, nestled deep in the woods, filled with warmth and cherished memories passed down through generations.

One day, an old, dead tree comes crashing through its roof, splintering it.

At first, the damage seems manageable—just a cracked beam, a broken window.

Time marches on and the elements creep in. Cold rain seeps through the gaps, harsh winds scour the walls, and nature reclaims what was a home.

Eventually, the cabin is consumed, memories decayed, only a husk remains as a testimony.

Note:

There is a cabin not to far from where I'm sitting that is getting consumed by the forest after a tree caved it's roof in.

It reminds me of my father, who is here with us... Roughly 6 years after his initial diagnosis.

Nature is slowly reclaiming what's left of him, too.