So I'm new to this sub, I stumbled upon it will doing some research on some other stuff. After reading some posts I felt I needed to speak up. So to give context, I grew up christian, my parents never really forced me to go to church and they are much more liberal and open minded that most of the conservative and fundamental baptist churches of my area.

Most of my life I accepted that God probably exists but he is incomprehensible and non interventionist. Sure he isn't a deistic clockwork God but he did his own thing, and I did mine. If he wishes to hold me accountable for my sin, then fair enough. Most of my life I really didn't give him much thought, in middle school I started going to church, but only for the social aspect. Despite this I had what I might call spiritual encounters but I also knew I was a highly emotional person as I was thirteen after all.

I spent most of my teens with a mostly lukewarm faith, sure I walked the walk and talked the talk but deep down I didn't really give God much thought. This changed in my early twenties, I had met a guy while out with my parents, we decided to hangout.

Needless to say, I had started praying and suddenly I had felt what I believed to be God. A week later i took a leap of faith of my own volition. After that I started going to church and it was great, I felt a peace I had been missing my whole life. Of course I eventually had questions and I decided to look for answers.

I had started my own deconstruction, for the last few years now, I have reached a fork in the road in terms of my faith. I still believe in God but I'm extremely unsatisfied with how religion and politics have twisted Christianity into this perversion. On the other hand, most of the common christian arguments and defense of the faith seem insufficient and flimsy.

I'm beginning to have my doubts about my faith, after all I was very emotional when I got saved and was very lonely and was in a dark place. My church and community are good people, and I will be forever grateful for that but I have to wonder about God.

Sure I admit that in my opinion most conceptions of God are nonsense. I'm no scholar and no philosopher and I can admit to being bias. That being said, I'm at a cross roads, a part of me thinks that if I keep on to my faith, then will I finally reach the light at the end of the tunnel, but the other part of me wonders if I have to come to the reality that God doesn't exist and I need to come to terms with the idea.

I'm at the point where I'm keeping an open mind, I'm not ready to part with my faith, but if I'm wrong then I will have to accept this loss and move one. I will admit that after reading the posts on this sub, I can't help but feel sympathy for the people who endured any religious abuse.

Regardless of my faith, I believe everyone should be treated with respect and dignity. Disagreement or being different is no excuse to mistreat people. I believe in the inherent value of all people regardless of differences partially because we are Gods children and partially because I do not need to imagine if the roles were reversed how messed up it is to mistreat someone.

Now I fight myself at the point were I can either leave my faith and find something new or reconstruct it and hope to find God in all this. Should he exist if he does, then I only hope that I find a sufficient reason. If I'm wrong, well I accept that.

Basically what I'm saying is I'm debating taking pascals wager, however it doesn't change how I feel about Christianity. I hate the hypocrisy, the abuse, the lies, and the indoctrination of so many churches. I hate how so called christians have used their religion to abuse and mistreat others and I hate that I was once part of the problem.

I'm not perfect, and I have been all the very things I rail on fake or hypocritical Christians for. I have lied and cheated, I have been laughable ignorant and I have lacked integrity. I certainly have been a hypocrite and I have operated out of shame bitterness and all other nasty traits.

I say that to say that I have made my mistakes too, if I do hang on to my faith, I will remember the awful things I have done and I will take responsibility for them and do better. I want to change, regardless of my faith. That being said I'm now at the point where I must choose where to pick up the cross or not. I'm sure others have come to this point as well and I want to hear your insights. End of the day this is my journey to walk but I just hope whatever I choose is the right choice ?

What are y'alls thoughts ?

I have two major regrets that I don’t know if I will ever get over, and that hurt me so much:

The first regret is I cast off my ‘first love’ at an age and stage of my life in which I was very immature and unaware, and in a lot of ways not representative of who I am today. And, depending on one’s belief regarding falling away in Christianity, I may have eternally damned myself at 22, even though that person largely doesn’t exist anymore and I wish to undecide what I apparently permanently decided then.

Second, I have always tried to approach things rationally, objectively, and fairly, as best as I can. Yet, my decision at 22, while it did incorporate some thought, ultimately feels like it was based on emotion and a vulnerable state of mind. Rather than searching scripture and others’ guidance, I sort of put my hands up and just stopped participating or practicing. This, naturally, led to me being outside the fold, which then led to disbelief. I mourn not only the loss of my former self, but also the loss of the ability to undergo a cerebral process on arriving to a certain conclusion. Instead, impulsive 22 year old (read: a delayed-development child) apparently decided my eternal fate without the awareness of knowing that were possible (I had no idea of the scary apostasy passages if hebrews).

It just seems unfair like I was a lost sheep, with no support: my dad played no role in the main affairs of my life, my best friend was engaged or married and often treated me like second class, I had no Christian girlfriend in high school or college (even though I was so desperate for help and prayed for one constantly), and my sister is a narcissist and in no way a source of comfort. I was so, so alone and the Bible talks about the lost sheep and how Jesus would go after him, that was me and yet it just seems like I was allowed to wander away down a journey I had no idea about and which I can’t undo.

A good person doesn't need religion to know wrong from right.
A bad person will do wrong, even with religion.

At least on an individual level the old "moral compass" argument has no bearing imo.

I’ve been anonymously following a former friend on social media, and am considering sending a message and saying hi. He is now a pastor and I’ve left the religion. Seems like a good guy, open minded. I think it would be interesting to have conversations with him. I’m not sure if there’s value in reaching out or not.

What would you do? Should I reach out and see how it goes or should I just leave things alone?

TW: mention of SA involving minors.

My party girl sister was ready to settle down so she started going to a church to find "a man with morals". She started seeing this man who sang at the church and was heavily endorsed by the pastor. The pastor pressured them into getting engaged. She was bringing him around to meet the family. I found him to be annoying and creepy. I looked him up and found that he is a registered offender. The known survivor of this monster was a little boy with disabilities. I confronted her. I thought maybe this was news to her too. Nope! She had the audacity to say that according to the pastor God forgave him and we should too. She didn't want to disclose this information because we would judge him for a sin that was forgiven. Just because sky daddy said it was all good, doesn't mean the rest of us are cool with him hanging around kids unsupervised! I'm so disgusted that the pastor is giving him such a presence in the church. All of these naive parents are going to think "We can trust him he's in church leadership!". It's reckless and irresponsible.

This experience led me to look into the current leadership at the church from my childhood. The new pastor, prior to being put in leadership, was convicted of embezzlement involving millions of dollars. The money was benefiting children. These people are tithing to a pastor known for stealing money. Has no one bothered to investigate the pastor's background? Or did god forgive the pastor and the congregation had to also? It makes me sick thinking of families fighting against poverty daily attending this church, giving their last dime, just for it to be used to support this pastor's lavash lifestyle.

These churches are just hunting grounds for predators and con artists.

I don't know how to even begin to explain this, but I can't even trust myself to make right decisions because the programming has run so deep.

So recently I started occasionally attending an Episcopalian church because it reminded me of a few safe spaces I had growing up in different counties as a missionary kid. I felt at peace going.

So this being the third time I went, I took my spouse along who absolutely is done with church but wanted to support me. Having them their as I was reading through the liturgy made me realize I was still reading the same dog shit I did growing up - "have mercy on me, blah blah, sinner, shit eater, etc". Previously when I went on my own, I just ignored the words and focused on the the calm center being there gave me. Even the rector spoke on oneness and how we are all connected, nothing about sin, etc.. but the liturgy was full of absolute horse shit and it was like I was reading one thing, but feeling another.

I don't know how to explain it but it's like I can't trust my feelings AND I was taught not to, but now I can't trust them because I was programmed not to but at the same time they're also what trigger me and in other church spaces like the evangelical mental asylums to keep me safe. what the actual fuck. Let me know if you guys get this. Shit is confusing as fuck.

I (F34) was best friends with Amanda (F34) from middle school through my early 30s. In 2020, we ended up having a slow but steady falling out over literally all the things. If you want the fuller story you can read it here on the r/lostafriend subreddit.

At the crux of our falling out is that I was no longer a Christian. We used to be able to talk about everything, because any disagreements we had were about how to interpret a certain scripture passage, not whether or not it was true at all. We were aligned on politics, social issues, dating...everything. Now it's basically nothing. I never said this explicitly, but I think she could tell things were changing for me.

I recently tried reconnecting via text, and while the vibe was friendly enough, she was pretty half-hearted about talking over the phone and has basically ghosted me since I brought it up. Is it even worth it to keep pursuing her? I almost want to tell her off for treating me in such an "unchristian" way after the kind of friendship we had...so maybe it wouldn't be healthy anymore anyway? The lesser part of me even likes the idea of showing her how well I'm doing without christianity...again, not a great reason to reconnect.

I think it's just hard letting this go. She's the closest and most loyal friend I've ever had and I miss her, but maybe I don't really miss the real her anymore so much as that kind of friendship.

So I'm dealing with my belief slowly eroding over the last 15 years, my belief in the church as a positive force taking a big hit in the last 5 years, and finally crossing the line into, "okay, let me just see what life is like without having to inject God or His will into every nook and cranny of life." And finally, actually looking into all the things that I was indoctrinated to avoid, like evidence for evolution, or scholarly work that doesn't support Biblical ideas verbatim.

I can listen to apologetics debunking videos, evolution explanations, and the historical evidence (or lack thereof) in and around the Bible without much issue. I've always had an academic type mind, so I can process information without much emotional response.

But when I actually say the words out loud, or type them in Reddit -- God can't be real. The Bible isn't inerrant. The books of the Bible weren't chosen for the reasons I had been taught.

It's sad. I'm actually feeling depressed. It's like I lost a member of my family. (I come from a family of ministers, so not far from the truth) There's also a twinge of anger. I feel so gullible. I brought up an apologetics argument in another sub, to explain to a nonbeliever why certain things sounded so important to believers. The response I got made perfect sense now--"would you apply that logic to any other aspect of your life and accept the results?"--but I had held it as a perfectly reasonable assumption for most of my life. The sheer number of things I had to deliberately ignore what was otherwise reasonable or proven knowledge outside the church...I feel so dumb. And that adds to the depression.

Is this sort of thing normal at this point in the process?

I find myself in the unenviable position of being married to someone in full time ministry. Before my deconstruction, I agreed to take charge of the kids ministry stuff that goes on during sermon. It's a very small number (between 2 and 10 kids) but there are very few adults in the church able to help as it's an old congregation. There are three of us who take turns and so I'm 'on' every three weeks, but also organise the rota and materials. I'm now deep into deconstruction and although I've not landed anywhere firm yet, would describe myself as a Christian agnostic at the moment. Although what we do on a Sunday morning is pretty informal (Bible story - which I often edit, craft, games) I just feel very disingenuous. Today a kid asked if Jesus was coming back again and I said yes, but in my head I'm thinking hmmmm fuck knows, I'm not even sure he was real 😅 The obvious thing to do would be to stop. However, there's literally noone else to help and I so I feel sort of trapped in this position. I'd put the other two volunteers under so much pressure if I stepped back. Plus, although my husband knows about my deconstruction, I know he really values my willingness to help in this context. Any thoughts??

For some backstory, I converted to Christianity when I was 18 years of age. I volunteered in worship bands as well as youth groups and after about 12 years of active service I fell away completely from it when I was around 30. I'm 35 now and recently decided to actively deconstruct the things that I proclaimed to have believed in when I was a Christian.

Currently, I've abandoned a literal interpretation of the bible in favor of a more symbolic and metaphorical interpretation based off of a psychological approach. I want to be clear that I'm not exactly seeking to de-convert from Christianity altogether because a lot of my values and the system of ethics that I'm developing have their roots in the bible and I still hold some value for them personally and so I don't feel it to be wise to "throw the baby out with the bath water" so instead I've been taking a slow and gradual approach to deconstructing my Christian beliefs piece by piece so as to provide a more personally meaningful system of ethics for my decision-making process and how I should engage with the society that I'm living in.

Personally, I don't have any feelings of contempt or hatred towards Christianity as a religious idea but I despise how some will abuse it to satisfy their own unexamined egotistical ends and believe that what they're doing is good. I don't want to see Christianity altogether destroyed but I want to see it reformed and adapt to the current time. Maybe this is just a fool's errand but I'm willing at least attempt to work this out on my own and see where this leads me.

I want to provide a link to my SubStack in which I'm using it as a writing platform where I'm telling my deconstruction story in greater detail if there's anyone interested, I just started a few weeks ago so there's only a few articles. (If it's not ok to post the link, let me know and I'll edit this post.)
https://masterslosey.substack.com/

Has anyone deconstructed and asked yourself "how/why did God let that happen to me? What I have I done to deserve this?"

I keep asking myself this about my brother's death, my caregivers death, my friendship breakup and my Grandma's death. What did I ever do to God to make him so angry at me to take my loved ones away? And the answer is I don't know. And it upsets me sometimes. Has anyone else ever felt this way? Thanks! 🩷

Hi ya’ll. Someone in my life is a very conservative Christian who hardcore believes that the Bible says over and over again that “gay actions” are sinful- and they asked me to explain my thoughts on Romans 1:18-32.

I’m honestly at a loss. The passage is so harsh and extreme and full of vengeful hatred from God that I started crying because it’s just so awful. I am kinda at a loss and I feel like I don’t have enough information- ie context, audience, writer, etc.

This person has been very hurt by my deconstruction- despite the fact that I never try to push my newer beliefs down their throat. It hurts so much and I don’t know what to do.

1- if you’re familiar with this passage, do you have any useful info or thoughts on it?

2- how can you cope with people around you digging their heels in and telling you that you’ve gotta defend your beliefs? When in all honesty, it comes largely from empathy and just trying to see what Jesus ACTUALLY meant instead of how western Christianity has twisted it to fit their agenda

I’m at a place in life where I think I may have developed OCD after my most recent (and big) step in my deconstruction. Obsessing and ruminating are already a part of my life due to my ADHD (and/or PTSD), but it literally feels like something snapped in my brain. I feel broken. I can’t stop thinking about death, or dying in general. My fears are becoming irrational and I spend every day just drained and devastated.

I’m already talking through this with my psychiatrist and therapist, and may need to just find a new therapist altogether. He is Christian and it’s never posed an issue but I worry it’s triggering me too much right now. He doesn’t ever bring religion into our sessions unless I directly ask or say I need to process something.

While I try and sort this out on the clinical side of things, I wanted to ask for resources that helped those of you who have been in my shoes before.

I’m casting a wide net. Words of comfort, book recommendations, etc. What were steps you needed to take to confront this fear and be able to live with it?

Thank you in advance

Hi all,

I've been deconstructing my faith for about two years now. I had been a fervent Christian for many years which was also propelled by my religious OCD, but after enough time and meeting my partner who also has a lot of religious trauma, I couldn't ignore the cracks in my belief system that I tried desperately to cover up, and it all came crashing down. I feel like I've been in a good place the past few months, really reaching a point where I'm fully comfortable being agnostic and still spiritually inclined without subscribing to any particular religion or set of beliefs. This has also massively improved my quality of life by tempering my OCD symptoms significantly.

However, last week my grandma had a stroke. She luckily made a swift recovery, but it had reminded me of a very powerful piece of testimony which had driven my faith throughout my more zealous years. Over a decade ago, my grandfather (her husband) had a stroke as well. He was completely paralyzed on the right side and was struggling in the hospital. My dad and my grandfather's pastor rushed to see him in the hospital. My dad and my pastor both have claimed that while in the elevator to go up to his room, a man all in white suddenly appeared in the elevator who had not been in there when it began going up. He smiled at them, and when the elevator stopped, he walked out in front of them towards my grandfather's room, but vanished while passing behind a pillar. As they went to my grandfather's room, the nurse told them that the paralysis had broken at that very moment.

My dad is a Universalist Christian and doesn't believe in hell nor attend church at all, having deconstructed himself, and so I see no reason that he would be so driven by blind faith so as to lie about this event. I also have been in similarly distressing situations and I just can't believe that his mind could make up something that fantastical, especially when my grandfather's pastor corroborates the entire story.

I simply have no idea how to reconcile this one immensely compelling story with everything else I know and feel is wrong about Christianity and religion generally, and I'm terrified of going back to a place where my OCD controls my life again. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How have you made the pieces fit?

Knowing the fact that when you finally deconstructed from all this religious faith, Christianity Islam, whatever you’re really deconstructing from you realize that religion does not spread love and it keeps everybody separate. It puts labels on everybody to make you realize that it doesn’t spread it just spread heat. Nobody wants to hear Jesus loves you. If you really want to spread love just say I love you nobody wants to hear Jesus loves you. Everybody wants to hear I love you just because you say I love you doesn’t make you gay or even think romantically about them you just love them for who they are as a person that’s what real unconditional love is like so when you deconstruct you realize that religions a man-made system, that keeps everybody separate and you know religion is not love, because why do you think we have wars most of the wars are basically based off religion, spread positivity spread positivity, not the words of the gospel ❤️❤️❤️

PS I didn’t even know what fair to put this on, so I put relationship because no matter how many times people try to put us under labels. We’re basically the same. We both have the darkness and light is this we’re not taught to accept both.

I know that not everyone who deconstructs loses their faith entirely, but for those who do, what do you do when you’re going through a hard time? Right now I don’t have the support system I used to, I can’t access any other help, and I would usually pray (and sometimes I still do), but it doesn’t provide me with the comfort and strength that it used to. It’s like now I just have an empty void

What have you come to believe about death and the afterlife? Even when I was a Christian, the idea of heaven never appealed to me; it was just better than hell. Now, I definitely don't believe in hell, and for me the most peaceful thing I can imagine after death is nothingness - like marking off the ultimate to do list item. But, when I think of others, I want to imagine them somewhere. Recently, my Granny died and I like thinking that she's somewhere else in peace, maybe surrounded by her dogs and people she loved. I'm I'm curious what other people have come to think about death and the after life through deconstruction.

Hi everyone. Like the title says, I'm currently deconstructing and am torn between wanting to stay and wanting to leave. For some backstory, I wasn't raised Christian, but became one in 2021 after what I thought was God answering my prayers (there's more to it than that, but i'll leave it at that for now). Is there anyone else who can relate to me?

On one hand, I want to stay because there have been things that have happened that have proved to me that God is real. On the other hand, there are a lot of teachings that I cannot get behind. Like how you'll go to hell if you don't believe in Jesus, how we're born inherently sinful, and how the Bible seems to call every little thing a sin even if it's a normal thing. Not to mention the whole story about Adam and Eve in the Garden if Eden and how God punished all of humanity because they ate the fruit, even though He created them knowing that they would do that. Yet a lot of Christians give the argument of "free will" but I don't understand that argument. That's not everything, but I'll leave it at that.

One more thing I want to mention is that I feel my anxiety has gotten worse since being a Christian. Like, worrying about if certain things are sins or not (and if I should or shouldn't do them), worrying if I sinned and didn't realize it, wondering if I somehow made God angry, and constantly worrying about my friends and family who aren't "saved." Is it possible to still be a Christian and not feel pressured to live up to all these rules and be "perfect"? And if not, where do I go from here?

To wrap it all up, I'm stuck between two decisions and don't know where to go from here. Do I stay and refuse to agree with a lot of what is being taught? Or do I give up everything that's happened in the last few years and leave my faith? I should also mention that I have always been one to question things and there were a lot of things that didn't sit right with me when I first became a Christian. I guess that's all catching up to me now. If there is anyone else who has been in my position, some advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

TL;DR: I'm deconstructing and don't know if I should stay or leave. Advice from others who have been in my situation would be greatly appreciated.

i already posted this on the ex Christian subreddit but I thought maybe there are people here how might have input as well.

especially during times of struggle i really find myself missing god. my faith and denomination/church have always been positive for me. I mainly became an atheist bc i couldn't unsee religion as human made.

i don't really have friends and my family is not the most functional. i find it difficult to find comfort without faith. its really hard to find a sense of comfort and safety and trust without god. what is my reason to trust that things will be alright? Im telling myself that things will be alright but without the god i used to believe in there doesn't always seem to be a reason for things to actually turn out alright, even though I do believe that things will turn out alright most of the time, it's just hard during times of struggle. i usually find comfort in death (not in a suicidal ideation way). i believe our consciousness just ends with death and i think there is nothing more peaceful than that. but yeah, i'd be interested in other people's experiences/thoughts bc I feel like that source of comfort doesn't always suffice and I'd like some more input.

does/has anyone else go/gone through this or something similar? how do you find comfort and how do you deal with worries and fear on an emotional and logical level? I guess I'm looking for a way to self soothe atm.

I wanted to share this in case this music would be helpful to anyone else. Some of it might be more specific to my ex-christian journey, but If you've never heard Better In The Morning by Birdtalker, that's worth checking out, regardless of your faith background.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6utVNpi8Vz9m1WIBHP3ZPf?si=0245ba1624434a52

One thing I seem to frequently notice people who have left church asking consistently is what do people do for community. There are lots of answers to this like book clubs, hobbies, the bar, what have you…but none of them provide that “community” feel and sense of mission that church did. And especially, none of them have anything for a family like church once did.

So I had an idea!💡 Many on here might be in a traumatized place of needing to get away from an idea like this which is totally understandable. For those that miss the community, what about if people started secular gatherings in their cities that functioned like a church? The main identity of the gathering would be a place for community, sharing of ideas, and for being a place of peace within our community. Sunday talks could even include some of the same things as church but you have speakers that know what their talking about come in to talk instead of the same preacher with one opinion— navigating relationships, being a person of peace in a polarized country/world, what are different ideas about afterlife, education about climate change, what to do about social anxiety and fear of the unknown, etc. Stuff we all go through, but from a secular or even interfaith perspective.

There would need to be a youth group that got together and have pizza nights, and water gun fights, Halloween parties, some sort of secular cookie and present exchanges when Christmas/winter holidays happen, education about things like non-violent communication and emotional regulation and what to do about bullying and social anxiety, and a space for deep talks about the things they are going through.

There could be service projects and help for friends in the gathering/community that are moving or just had a baby or are in the hospital, etc. There could be classes that met also: maybe one for singles, one for young parents, one for retired people. One for BIPOC, one for LGBTQ, one for a meditation club, one for a book club, a grief group, maybe a traumatized ex-evangelical safe meeting place. 🤔Instead of mission trips, you go and do humanitarian aid in other countries or go to a spiritual Mecca and learn something to share with everyone. Whatever volunteers wanted to come and lead things. It could start small but grow if people liked it.

Meets the needs of why people go to church but not church. Not necessarily anti-religion, but still secular or inclusive of different religions/beliefs? Like we discuss different religions/beliefs but don’t adhere to or reject any? Question marks because I am wondering if that would be helpful or make people repulsed. Again, the goal being they would be gathering to be people of peace in the world with other like-minded people.

Thoughts? Ideas? What to call it this kind of gathering that would attract people? I personally don’t like calling it church… Any ex-church planters have input of how to start something like this and how to find a space?

I was married for over 10 years to an abusive man: there was cheating, mental abuse, financial abuse, verbal abuse. He never hit me but that’s the best thing I can say. Like so many abusers, all of this took place behind closed doors. We were in church every Sunday, right beside his parents, who are prominent members of the community. No one at our church had any idea what was going on at home, and I felt that even if I had tried to confide in someone, no one would have believed me due to my (now ex’s) pleasant, mild mannered public persona. When I finally found the strength to end the relationship, he told me that this was his church and forbade me to return. Because of all of the abuse, I did not want to defy him and attend anyway. Not one person from this church ever reached out to ask what had happened to our marriage, to see if I and my young children were ok or if we needed anything. Today, one of the church women phoned me out of the blue to ask if my daughter wanted to participate in the senior class recognition in a few weeks. I said no thank you. She proceeded to tell me that my daughter was welcome anytime. Too little, too late. The church in general, especially in the South where it’s accepted that men will be men, and the wife is supposed to drive her expensive SUV and look the other way, has a huge problem with how they treat divorced people. I think going through this experience, especially when I wasn’t the one who cheated or did anything “wrong” to cause the divorce, is what really began my deconstruction journey. Has anyone else has a similar experience?

My Grandma just died tonight. But, I am deconstructing and deconverting. If I don't believe in Heaven (or Hell), where's my Grandma at? Where DO I go for all of eternity?