Feeling numb all over the body especially in the face but at the same time getting random pains everywhere. Also my hair feels so annoying/irritating when it is touching my voice.

Forgetting some bad physical sensitions like when it's cold outside and my hands are freezing I completely forget they're cold and suddenly notice it at some point when they're hurting asf

Last night I had a really bad freak out where I didn't know what was real it felt horrible like I'm not sure how to explain like I questioned my existence and it was really scary (I'm a 19 years old) I was shaking and stuff and my vision felt weird

i smoke weed can it be because of it should i stop i want to feel alive and out and free and not in my head

I know full recovery is you being back to reality and no dpdr "feeling normal". But my question is, is it very subtle at first and eventually slowly disappears to the point you dont notice its gone? Ive read posts where someone just looks around and is like "everything looks real and feels real now" but for some reason, that idea scares me. Like the idea of it disappearing and me not noticing it going away terrifies me? Cause i feel like I will full on panic or I will over analyze everything when I realize its gone. Or I'm scared that my 'normal' wont be the way i slightly remember it being.

Is it normal to be scared of what recovery feels like? I feel so dumb cause I don't wanna live with DPDR but I also fear what 'normal' will feel like now. Like maybe for some reason my 'normal' is only slightly different from what im dealing with now? (It sounds ridiculous I know) I think its cause sometimes i have moments I forget about DPDR. Like watching a show or something and then I look around and realize its still there and it makes me question everything.

Is recovery scary or eerie or unnerving?

After recovery.. do we feel normal again? with no intrusive/ existential thoughts? Are we able to live normally without thinking about how bad it all used to feel like? Do we stop getting that empty and weird feeling/ sensation in our stomach?

P.S. I think I'd consider myself relatively new to dpdr compared to some of y'all because I recently got symptoms of it. yea.. so some encouraging stuff will be much appreciated. Also many people on this subreddit vent their feelings and stuff and its scary and demotivating for the new people and for the people who are looking to recover so I want to make this post a soft spot for us which encourages us and gives us some hope.

Have a great day and stay strong :D

ive given up on asking for a diagnosis so im just going to dump sth here its like i have convinced myself that everything is extremely weird. and it is i guess. i know i love the ppl around me. i know i want to live, work, study. i know i love my boyfriend. but i dont feel like it. i constantly remind myself of how im experiencing the world just from my point of view. and i think about how i communicate. if i am able to talk, then someone hears me right. so if they hear me and talk to me, they must be real right?? if my mother gave birth to me she must be real. i have been raised by my parents to become who i am now so they are real. this is just debilitating i also think about thinking and being human. how am i able to think, why is is so fucking weird. and why after 19 years on this earth im suddenly scared of my own self and the uncertainty of life, which used to amaze me before. im tired of forgetting who i am, i just want it to stop.

i had a joint yesterday. i haven’t smoked weed for 2 years. i have been feeling really strange all day. like everything around me doesn’t feel real. i’m really really scared i’m gonna be stuck like this forever, and i never smoke weed btw it was a one time thing. i’m so afraid someone help me i’ve been getting jolts of anxiety since i smoked. i’m fearful i wont be able to sleep tonight. i’ve had a lot of anxiety today been feeling depressed. i was very anxious when i smoked the joint yesterday. i even started crying. i was pretty much anxious my entire high but did not green out helpppp

I feel so trapped. So much body pain. Completely fatigued no matter what I do. I've completely lost all my memories, my sense of self, my emotions including anxiety - I don't get little glimpses of myself anymore. That connection has been severed completely.

Everyone around me is living and real. I'm just a complete zombie. I was able to cry in therapy for the first time in months but felt no release or emotions in my body. I'm completely hopeless - every single day is getting harder to go on. I slept all afternoon and had horribly vivid dreams. We've tried so many meds, different therapies, acceptance, journaling, working out - nothing has helped.

I can't travel, which I used to love so much. I can't enjoy the simple things in life. I can't feel love or give love. I can't sense time or seasons. I feel nothing - I am nothing. I can't even feel anxiety anymore. I am so out of reality and my body. I feel there's no way out of all the suffering, I'm trapped. I don't know how to heal my traumas when I can't connect with myself or my life. Every single day is torture. There's no escape - when I'm awake I suffer, when I'm asleep I suffer. It's like I've died and am stuck in purgatory.

This isn't depression. It's complete lack of self and connection, there's a difference. I don't experience reality at all; like I'm in a box with no windows. With depression, you still have a connection to yourself, you still have your memories and can feel. I have no ability to feel. I'm so so tired and exhausted with life, it's unbelievable. I can't live the life I worked so hard for. And panic attacks / trauma took it all from me. Im struggling in every part of my life - mentally, financially, socially, emotionally, spiritually- there's nothing this isn't affecting. I have no sexual or romantic desire, I don't have any interests or passions, I don't look forward to anything, I can't plan anything. Life used to feel so real - the sun, the trees, the air, the ocean. I can't sense any of it anymore, I'm just a shadow - an outline.

I don't really know what else to do. I started IFS therapy to try to uncover the trauma my mind is blocking.my mind has blocked out everything- everything. I don't know how I'm even alive or functioning.i somehow have run my own company during this, even started it during this - because work is all I have. My creativity is all I have, it's the only part of me I can still access. I lay here with tears running down my face as I write this because I had a beautiful life, despite all the trauma. I kept going, I created a life for myself.

I can't feel a beautiful summer night. I can't enjoy my morning coffee in the sun. I can't lay in the grass with no cares in the world. I can't book a flight to my favorite city and just go. I can't see my dog playing at the beach and be filled with joy. I can't hug a friend and feel connected to them. I can't remember all the trips, moments, heart to hearts, memories, that made me - me. Those were the most valuable thins in life and now they are gone. It's only gotten worse as I lose more and more of myself.

There's no point in living like this - in fact it's the most painful thing I've ever experienced, and that's saying a lot given the trauma I've had. I know what happiness is - I found it and was living my best life. September 2022, that was all taken from me. My quality of life is severely poor - how can you live with such fatigue, nightmares, loss of self, loss of everything that made you feel familiar and human. And no clue how to get any of it back. I'm completely trapped in a nightmare and I'm drowning, there's no one who can save me. I don't even think the therapist can, in 2 and a half years, NOTHING has helped - my condition just worsens daily. I remember what life had I used to feel like, I'm so so so so far away from that life and self, I might as well have never existed

So after suffering from dp dr for 14 years straight and after much resource on this issue; I have discovered what were the causes of it, how to counteract it; and that's when I started to witness recovery happening at a fast pace. I will try my best to explain what causes DPDR and how to counteract it; it may or may not work for everyone since cases vary.

Based on accumulated studies for depersonalization/derealization up to 2024; dpdr affect on the brain and the neurotransmitter are as follows:

1. Brain Areas Involved

Prefrontal Cortex (PFC): Studies suggest that altered function or connectivity of the prefrontal cortex is a key feature in DP/DR. The PFC is involved in self-awareness and executive control, and disruptions here could contribute to the feeling of detachment or unreality.

Parietal Cortex: The posterior cingulate cortex (PCC) and other parietal regions, involved in the integration of sensory and self-referential information, may show abnormal activity in DP/DR. This could explain the altered sense of being disconnected from the body (depersonalization) or the environment (derealization).

Temporal Lobe: Some research suggests that the temporal lobes, particularly the insula and amygdala, are involved in emotional processing. Dysregulation here could contribute to the emotional numbing or disconnection that people with DP/DR report.

Default Mode Network (DMN): The DMN, which includes regions like the PCC, is often implicated in self-referential thoughts and mind-wandering. In DP/DR, studies have shown altered connectivity within the DMN, which may contribute to the feeling of detachment from one’s body or reality.

2. Neurotransmitter Systems

Dopamine (DP): Some studies suggest that altered dopamine function, particularly in the mesolimbic pathway, could contribute to the sense of depersonalization and derealization. Dysregulation in dopamine transmission may disrupt how the brain processes reward and emotional salience, leading to a sense of detachment.

Serotonin: Serotonin dysregulation has also been implicated in DP/DR. It’s thought to influence mood and perception, and abnormalities in serotonin signaling may contribute to the altered self-perception seen in these disorders.

Glutamate and GABA: Imbalances between excitatory and inhibitory neurotransmission, particularly involving glutamate and GABA, are thought to play a role in dissociative experiences. Overactivation of glutamatergic pathways or underactivity in GABAergic systems could lead to perceptual distortions like those in DP/DR.

3. Cognitive and Emotional Factors

Neuroimaging studies have also highlighted the role of emotion regulation and cognitive control in DP/DR. People with these symptoms may show reduced emotional responsiveness (related to the PFC and limbic system), which could contribute to their experience of emotional detachment or derealization.

4. Functional Connectivity

In DP/DR, there tends to be altered functional connectivity between different brain regions, especially between the PFC, limbic system, and sensory processing areas. These connectivity disturbances may contribute to the perception of the self as being detached from the body (depersonalization) or from the world (derealization).

5. Trauma and Stress

Many individuals with DP/DR have a history of trauma or chronic stress. Studies suggest that these experiences can lead to alterations in brain regions involved in threat detection and stress response (such as the amygdala and hippocampus). Long-term stress can also impact the regulation of the PFC and DMN, which may help explain the dissociative symptoms.

After mentioning the root causes above based on the accumulated studies based on dpdr sufferers.

It's clear DPDR mostly focuses on the right hemisphere of the brain and to a lesser extent the left hemisphere of the brain but this will vary on a case by case situation.

Before I dived into my recovery I did this research in depth how meditation and quranic recitation may impact the brain based on numerous studies done; results were as followed:

1. Meditation: Effects on the Brain and Neurotransmitters

Brain Regions Affected: Prefrontal Cortex (PFC): Enhanced cognitive control, attention, and decision-making. Studies (Lazar et al., 2005) show increased gray matter in long-term meditators.

Anterior Cingulate Cortex (ACC): Improved emotion regulation and attention, with increased activation in mindful practices (Brefczynski-Lewis et al., 2007).

Insula: Increased self-awareness and emotional regulation, with heightened activation during mindfulness (Farb et al., 2007).

Amygdala: Reduced emotional reactivity and enhanced emotional regulation, with decreased activation in meditators (Hölzel et al., 2010).

Default Mode Network (DMN): Better cognitive control and reduced mind-wandering, as meditation deactivates the DMN (Lutz et al., 2004; Zeidan et al., 2010).

Neurotransmitter Effects: Dopamine: Increased levels contributing to reward processing and focus (Jha et al., 2010).

Serotonin: Elevated serotonin improves mood and mental well-being (Lutz et al., 2004).

GABA: Increased GABA levels, promoting relaxation and reducing anxiety (Vieten et al., 2008).

Hemisphere Involvement: Primarily engages the right hemisphere for emotional processing, self-awareness, and spatial awareness (e.g., amygdala, insula).

The left hemisphere is more involved in verbal tasks and cognitive control (e.g., PFC).

2. Quranic Recitation: Effects on the Brain and Neurotransmitters

Brain Regions Affected: Prefrontal Cortex (PFC): Activation due to cognitive control and focused attention (Baig et al., 2016).

Temporal Lobe: The right temporal lobe is activated due to auditory processing and language comprehension(Asl et al., 2013).

Limbic System (Amygdala, Hippocampus): Involvement in emotion regulation and memory, contributing to spiritual and emotional experiences (Fazlollah et al., 2017).

Insula: Enhanced self-awareness and emotional regulation during recitation, similar to meditation (Fazlollah et al., 2017).

Neurotransmitter Effects: Dopamine: Increased dopamine release linked to positive emotions and sense of well-being (Gul et al., 2015).

Serotonin: Improved mood and emotional stability, similar to the effects of meditation (Seyed M. et al., 2015).

Oxytocin: Release of oxytocin during group recitation fosters social bonding and empathy (Tavakkol et al., 2017).

Hemisphere Involvement: The right hemisphere is most involved due to its role in emotional processing, self-awareness, and spatial orientation (e.g., amygdala, insula).

The left hemisphere is activated for auditory processing and language tasks, particularly during recitation (e.g., temporal lobes).

Key Differences and Similarities: Similarities: Both practices engage the right hemisphere for emotional regulation and self-awareness, and both show increased activity in the prefrontal cortex, insula, and amygdala. They also influence dopamine, serotonin, and GABA systems, improving mood, focus, and emotional resilience.

Differences: While meditation involves broader cognitive control and self-reflection, Quranic recitation focuses more on auditory processing and spiritual engagement, with unique involvement of the temporal lobes and potential increases in oxytocin during communal recitation.

Conclusion:

Both meditation and Quranic recitation have profound effects on brain regions associated with emotion regulation, cognitive control, and self-awareness, primarily engaging the right hemisphere.

These practices positively influence neurotransmitter systems, contributing to improved mental health and emotional stability.

The right hemisphere plays a dominant role in both practices, though the left hemisphere is also involved, particularly in language and cognitive functions in Quranic recitation

My recovery I have meditated before but my brain was more receptive to quranic recitation since I'm an Arabic speaker I decided to read the Quran in its arabic form continuously. That's when I started to notice recovery; I have also witnessed many Arab speakers who recovered from dpdr because of constant quranic recitations. Quranic recitation takes them into a state of normality after sometime because the brain starts activating the parts that have been dormant from dpdr, because I believe based on the studies above meditating or quranic recitation can have a strong impact on the brain since neruoplasticity builds from such actions and gets strengthend as time moves on, in my case I recited Quran on a daily basis thats when recovery became prominent.

I obviously had to supplement my recovery with herbs from time to time which seemed to help.

The raw scent of valerian seemed to snap me back into reality and it worked; but ingesting it wasn't for me

Rhoidiola seemed to work for me wether it's capsules or tinctures

Passion flower also seemed to help

Ashwaganda was very strong for me I did not take it consistently but it definitely helped

Basically try to look for herbs or vitamins or meds that improves or reduces your dpdr and this will vary from person to person.

Also diet, exercise, getting sleep is indeed helpful and important.

I wish everyone to recover from this .

august of this year will be 5 years of 24/7 dpdr due to drugs. i’m at the point where i don’t even care about my dpdr, but not in a good way, i just feel depressed and defeated. i’m irritated it’s not going away and i have a mental break down every couple of months about it and then just try to get over it again. i’m 23, ive spent my early 20s sitting on the sidelines of my life. medications haven’t been helpful they only made things worse. i have tried everything, but even as im typing this out i just don’t even care that everything looks blurry and weird, im scared more about how if i just finally accept that this will be my life, it will stay forever. i just needed to rant to people who could relate in some way, thanks for reading<3

So i have really severe dpdr and recently its been really bad. So when im in public around people or even just around my family i start to get really anxious of everyone talking and start to get like sensory overload to a point where i feel confused/disoriented, anyways, in those moments i swear i hear people talking about me, like for example, people will be having a normal conversation then in the middle of them talking i will hear random stuff about me like ''is he okay'' or just commenting on what im anxious about, then i start panicking and leave.They are very faint voices though so i dont know if its hallucinations or its just me being so anxious and overstimulated that im miss hearing what there saying.

So i have really severe dpdr and recently its been really bad. So when im in public around people or even just around my family i start to get really anxious of everyone talking and start to get like sensory overload to a point where i feel confused/disoriented, anyways, in those moments i swear i hear people talking about me, like for example, people will be having a normal conversation then in the middle of them talking i will hear random stuff about me like ''is he okay'' or just commenting on what im anxious about, then i start panicking and leave.They are very faint voices though so i dont know if its hallucinations or its just me being so anxious and overstimulated that im miss hearing what there saying.

I truely believe its all about beta adrenergic beta2 receptors activation(fear mediated response of nerves and neurons), and trust me! it can make heterodimerization with dopamine d2 receptors, and when this happens it will be more permanently having derealization effects, so the cure must be combination of lipophilic beta2 antagonist (propranolol) with d2 antagonist (most antipsychotics) at the same time! in the longrun maybe about 2 or 3 months to dpdr wear of compeletely !!!

im not sure which type of antipsychotics are the best option maybe latuda and halo with propranolol?

no one wants the fear it self, in case of dpdr its some kind of mental addiction to fear so if you dont feed it, you will kill it!

i just have not tired it yet, i hope somebody tried propranolol with any antipsychotic?

I struggled with feeling unreal for a while and now things feel too real. Usually, I simply calmed down when I felt unreal and just let it pass through. With me feeling too real, do I do the same thing: just calm down and let it go? It feels really hard not to react and not to focus on it when this existential OCD literally has me questioning what reality really is.

The constant pain, the constant fatigue, the inability to connect with others, with my emotions, with my body, I feel like no matter how much I sleep, stretch, rest, mediate - my symptoms just worsen.

The world feels so far away - I don't even feel anxiety anymore, I just hurt all over like a truck hit me. My quality of life is null. Everything used to be so vivid, real, familiar. I don't feel time, seasons, or weather. Like the world doesn't exist beyond what I can see. I don't know how I could ever go back to normal - 2 and a half years of this. Nightmares every night, exhausted, no connection to my body or emotions. It's just beyond words

Minor dpdr -> Existential Thought that scares me -> Panic and trapped feeling and dpdr gets very bad -> I get reassurance or feel shit -> feel better until next existential thought or same one

I'm 18F not diagnosed with or being medicated for DR/DP or anything other than ADHD. Ever since I was in the third grade I have been consistently and regularly, at least three times a week in episodes that last from an hour up to several days, experiencing a sort of dissociative state which I called "phaseouts". (Using past tense because only very recently I started to do actual research regarding what it is I might be dealing with)

These "phaseouts" start abruptly, usually with no pattern as to what triggers it and it immediately, completely pulls me out of the outside world. I feel completely numb, dizzy, lightheaded and like I have lost all control over my body. The world around me feels artificial, unreal, foggy, too fast, incredibly far away from me both literally and figuratively. I feel completely and utterly detached from the world around me. I don't feel emotions, I only feel a sort of detached and empty feeling. It feels like I'm not carrying out my actions consciously and that I'm watching myself and the world around me exist from a screen. Feeling present as a concept ceases to exist in that state.

Because this happens so often although not constantly, I am at times able to function like it's not happening but that is not common. In more severe episodes of this, I experience gaps in my memory, can't remember simple details or pay attention to anything going on around me which at times puts my well being at risk. I become unable to form sentences and my personality fades, I almost become lifeless.

This has been happening consistently, up to several days in a week for at least the past 9 years. I started doing research on dissociation, derealization, depersonalization and also BPD, which I show symptoms of and have a family history for. I have talked about this in detail with two people in my life and the "splash your face with cold water" or "go for a run" advice, although I appreciate any efforts towards helping out, doesn't even begin to cover how much more serious this is.

I have not properly discussed this with a professional before but if anyone has any sort of comment or opinion I'd be glad to read it. Is this a disorder? Am I too late to talk about this to a professional?

I’m 15 and have Weed induced dpdr for 5 months. I thought I was recovering and now I’m having panic attack and new feelings and existential thoughts that are debilitating. I don’t know what to do. Someone please help me.

Someone please help me

So, i got dpdr four years ago. I changed two therapists and no one helped. At first it was bearable, happening from time to time. As time passed it became harder to deal with. Because of dpdr, i developed a fear of fainting. And now i'm afraid to leave the house. I also sometimes have an dpdr epsiode when i'm about to fall asleep. And with lack of sleep it only gets worse. I'm so afraid of the symptom itself. I always feel like i'm going to faint which is terrifying. I don't know what to do, it's ruining my life. I can't enjoy life anymore. I can't travel, i can't hang out with my friends, i can't even sleep normally. And after every dpdr episode, i get so emotional and i cry. I just wish this could end. It’s been getting worse and worse these days.

When I look at my body, my arms. Legs. Hands. It's like I'm not in my body. There's no confines, almost like I'm an omnipresent consciousness. Not living in a body with sensations, emotions and connection. Each day I get more detached from my body.

It's really freaky to feel like you're not even confined to your own body- like you're a spirit just floating. I have no sensations of being alive at all. Everything is completely unfamiliar and unreal. Nothing I do, accomplish or experience sticks to my mind, it's gone by the end of the day.

Each day I lose more of myself, my body has gone completely numb internally and my skin. The only thing I feel is muscle pain, no other sensations. I don't know if I'll ever have my emotions and memories back, it's devastating, nearly 2 and a half years of living like this and it only gets worse honestly. I can't even feel physical anxiety anymore and haven't had a panic attack In 2 years. I know it's my mind trying to protect me, but it's destroying me. I have no sense of self, don't feel time or seasons, I feel absolutely nothing in my body - and my memories have completely been buried. I drive around and can't believe I'm alive or even here. It's unimaginable.. a year ago I thought my DPDR was servere and it's gotten 10x worse.

Living with no memory of yourself or your life, no sense of self, or reality, no emotions, constant pain, no connection to others. It's so beyond difficult. I can't even remember how I used to be and what feelings felt like. Just started IFS and I'm hoping we can get me to make some progress. I was sobbing in therapy at the state of my life. But I couldn't feel any of it in my body or any release. I have constant horribly traumatic dreams - last night I dreamt I got into elevator and it was free falling then I hit the ground, I could feel all of it. There's no break from this, not in my sleep - not when I'm awake. Just pure agony.

I’m usually a spiritual/philosophical individual, I like discussing deep things and going beyond what I can see & feel (sober).

I haven’t taken drugs since I was 16, now I’m 21. But ever since I’ve taken lions mane (2 weeks ago for a month) and came off of it. I’ve started to have such lucid colourful dreams that now when I’m awake my reality it’s not as lucid and powerful as my dreams were. It’s hard to describe.

But this mushroom I can confirm some alterations have been done to my brain or enhancements, I can’t tell the difference.

Yet I feel more mature in my articulation and I started creating poetry in my head that actually sounds pretty cool.

Trying to fight in-between the lucidity of reality and the dreams realm, I came to the conclusion & awakening that everything this life has to offer whether pleasure or pain, it won’t last forever & there’s something out there more real that even if we were to travel the whole galaxy and come back it still wouldn’t feel “real”, it still wouldn’t be enough.

Just sharing some symptoms of depersonalisation. I feel like I’m reverse-recovering, not destructing but rather resetting on a different surface, I can’t tell whether above or below.

It started an year back, with Health anxiety, initially it was related to my liver then to my heart!

I had 2-3 full body checkups and everything was okay so it was clearly not a physical issue. I started getting panicked with everything around me and was not sure what is wrong with me. Worst days could nt get out of my bed and faced weight loss. Then had phobias of schizophrenia and dementia but again that is not the case.

I am constantly observing myself a lot and thinking about how my body is working what is the purpose, getting scared about my own existence. I am not sure what it is. There is sensation associated with these thoughts which makes me restless and its on and off. I question everything around me, Its overwhelming and not letting me enjoy my life. I am missing something I dont know what.

I am just doing things. I ask myself what if I am not real what if its just a dream. I am feeling disconnected from reality and its kind of scaring me alot whenever this thoughts come.

I am trying to figure out whats wrong with me. Many answers on these topics helps me calm down but it comes again and make me anxious.

I dont know if its DPDR, OCD, Depression, Anxiety or any other health issues.

Please help!

Had dpdr weed induced psychosis for the entirety of summer. It was a very brutal summer but thankfully dpdr doesn’t bother me anymore. Don’t let this condition define you.

I've noticed a lot of posts lately that feel a lot like existential OCD/OCD adjacent. If you feel like you have to research things, seek reassurance, etc, I really recommend you look into the OCD subreddit.*

I'm seeing a lot of reassurance seeking, and while this may help in the short-term, it is actually harmful in the long-term.

This disorder totally fucking sucks, and there's nothing wrong in finding people who understand your struggles. But we have to be careful in how we approach this.

*do not seek reassurance in r/ocd. Ask for help in how to combat and deal with your compulsions.

I've been talking to this guy for a few weeks & we're in the early stages of dating. The conversations have been going great overall & cover a variety of topics. He asked me recently if I felt like we (society as a whole) live in a simulation. I told him that I do feel that way and I also describe it as being in a movie. I've said other various things about dissociation & how I experience it. When we were talking this evening, he asked do I know what can trigger me to dissociate from my emotions. I replied that I'm always dissociated on some level, but I do know what makes it worse. He said that nobody can be completely dissociated from emotions all the time. I tried to clarify that I can feel brief periods of emotions, but it's very fleeting and mostly "in my head" rather than a feeling in my body. I also tried to provide real life examples of how I know I'm disconnected when I should technically be feeling more.

He continued to say that I was just "bored", maybe depressed, I just need to experience different things, & I need someone to just show me love (he said I was dissociated & bored in previous relationships because they weren't good). While it's true they weren't good, that wasn't why I was dissociated. Even when I was fond of my exes, the dissociation was still there. I kept trying to tell him it's none of those things & explain further, but we continued to go back & forth, so I just dropped it and changed the subject. I generally don't try to talk about it to people for this very reason. I know it sounds weird, so I don't expect them to understand, but I thought he would since he could see my point about the previous stuff I mentioned.

It has been 3 years since getting this, I have a full time job now.
I never imagined myself being able to hold a job down again, let alone the one I have where I am around people. I want to be happy with myself, but this weird part of me gets sad thinking about how I did this completely on my own. I tried reaching out but I was never met with the warmness I wanted. Idk even with that being a life long thing disappointing thing, DPDR or not, I judt always hoped someone would be warm at my lowest, you know.
It was harsh reactions to being non functioning, I know it's jusy expected of humans to go out, be productive and do what you need to do, but to have someone help was always a little wish of mine.
Everytime I try to write out how I feel, it never feels personable, I don't know I always feel like I am speaking so vaguely and generally. I still haven't figured out how to feel and be authentic, though it is a privilege to have any fragment of self now. I am overall better, but things are different, and I feel how different I am in every moment

So the past 4 days has been relatively good. I haven't been worrying about my DPDR and my body physically felt 70-80% back to normal. I was even laughing at things and would have a lot more moments (like in my dark room watching a show) where I felt relatively normal. It was just my vision and sometimes my thoughts that made me feel like I still had DPDR.

Then I woke up today and everything felt off again. Eerie almost. I decided maybe a bath would help. I felt the cold/ warmness of the water but I could not feel the water pressure. Like i couldn't feel the water pouring on my hand😭. Now Im still in my room and everything looks fuzzy and dreamy and like im high again🫠🫠😫.

I know this is just a set back but its so frustrating cause I was thinking I was one step closer to full recovery😭