I (34F) have been married to my husband (38M) for 5 years. We have a 2 year old child, and are both Christians and actively involved in our church.

For the majority of our marriage we have not had a sexual relationship. He had a car accident many years ago that resulted in injuries which impact his sexual performance. We have tried countless medicines and treatments, but nothing works long term. He deals with a lot of shame over this issue and as a coping mechanism, chooses not to have any type of intimacy or sexual contact with me. For context, we have not done anything intimate since January of 2023.

I’ve suggested that we explore other ways of satisfying each other but nothing ever changes. He has also repeatedly rejected my suggestions over the years to seek personal therapy. I have tried to be patient and love him through this while seeking to never make him feel emasculated. But it’s starting to take its toll on me. Aside from my physical needs not being met, I constantly feel rejected and unwanted or desired. I’m not sure where to go from here and would love insights. TIA!

Our situation is a little unique. We were married before we were saved and when we were married (we were pretty young), we both were a bit undecided on children and agreed we’d just see where life takes us. A few years ago, my husband started testosterone replacement therapy at a young age. It did a complete 180 on his life and he’s had so, so many positive changes (health, mental, etc.). We made the decision together to have him start on TRT, knowing it’d affect his fertility and we came to terms we would just not have children. I also have PCOS, which also makes it difficult.

Fast forward to last year, by God’s grace we were both saved and became Christian. Children started to weigh very, very heavily on my heart as we started to learn about biblical marriage and became more well versed in scripture. I am the main provider in our home and even before we decided we didn’t want children, we had agreed that if we ever did have them then I’d need to stay home and care for them instead of daycare, etc.

Long story short, I want to be a mother. I have prayed for God to take away this desire so I can stay committed to the decision we made years ago but the desire has not gone away. I’ve talked to my husband about it and he gets very angry. He feels he “can’t give me what I’m asking for”. I know he has to feel betrayed. But I also want to be vocal with him and share how I’m feeling. I would be satisfied with at least trying, with our infertility issues. I have an IUD currently and have said I want it out (for many reasons) but if God wants to give us a baby then he can overcome those fertility issues, and solely putting it in God’s hands. My husband doesn’t want me to get it out because he doesn’t even want to take the chance.

As a progress in my career, I feel like I’m stuck in working to provide for us as my career continues to grow and his is staying stagnant. I feel like we won’t ever be in a position to have children (if by God’s grace we’d be able to conceive, or adopt) because I’ll be stuck as the main provider for us. He does work hard, but I also don’t feel he’s driven to become the main provider. I remind myself it’s all in God’s hands. It’s his will. But I am really struggling and feel alone in this struggle because my husband gets upset if I ever bring it up. I brought up the idea of talking to our pastors and he said no because “he knows they’ll just tell him to have children.”

I guess I’m looking for biblical guidance on how to best handle this with my husband. I love him and would love to see him be a father. I pray God will turn his heart. I also want to stay committed in our original decision but the desire continues to weigh so heavy on my heart. How can I best navigate this with my husband.

My boyfriend and I are both 21 and finishing up college this may. We've been dating for a little more than a year and with the intention of marriage. We've talked about getting married next fall so we'd be together around 2 years at that point and known each other for 3-4 years (this is mostly for the people who think you need to date and know someone for a long time before you get married).

My boyfriend isn't a US citizen but if he found a job in the US in his degree he would be able to get a work visa. He doesn't like thinking about the future because things have gone wrong for him in the past so if he doesn't think about it there's nothing to get his hopes up about. The thing is that he needs to start looking for a job, which he is, and it makes him stressed but then he should also think about our future together. Whenever I bring it up he get really stressed. Today I texted and asked him if he'd think about stuff like marriage and engagement timing so that we could have a conversation later. He just said "idk" and more "idk" and then just stopped texting for awhile. I dont like to make him stressed but I feel like it's something we need to think about and discuss... I have a lot of thoughts and things in my mind and I like to plan stuff although I don't always plan. It stresses me to not have more of a solid plan since this summer I'll be in another country for an internship and won't be able to see him in person at all. I'd like to have some things figured out before then. Whenever I ask him questions about our future he freezes up and doesn't want to talk or forces himself to and he gets upset and stressed. It makes me sad then because all I want is to know his thoughts but he doesn't really have any apparently...

I need to know because it's our future together. I dont care if he doesn't have a solid job when we get married. I don't care if I have to move to his country for a few years. I just want to be with him. But to be with him I need to know his thoughts and have a plan for being engaged and married. Feels like I'm the only one thinking about it but j can't tell him because he'll get stressed about my ideas....

If we got married next September and we want a short engagement we'd have to get engaged around May. But that only leaves a few weeks, or less, of in person premarital counseling. We'd have to do everything over FaceTime if we're going to plan wedding stuff after being engaged... I don't even know... it just stresses me to not know. I knkw he has a lot, schoolwork, job searching, thinking about where to live after college, if he has enough money, me, other stuff... but I'd like to be able to discuss this with him.

Any advice?

Refer to my last two post for context. I don't know how to link them.

So I sat down with my wife after the past few days of her wanting intimacy and then changing her mind last second and ask her lovingly hey what's up what's turning you away from it. She stated that it shouldn't be our focus right now that the children should be our focus. I few calm back and forths later and I basically said I understand you wanting to put them as center focus, but you have to at least but us in there somewhere. 85% children 15% us or even 90 10 that way we don't grow apart.(Could be wrong for saying this Idk) Her response and I quote. "Love it needs to be 100% on our kids always" I've given up on pursuing her. I've tried all the suggestions except for just stepping back. I'm sure it's not biblical, but honestly when I'm constantly pursuing her in all ways(both nonsexual and sexual) and getting shot down it just puts me in a what's the point mindset. I feel I'm being punished and no matter how much I tell her what many of you have told me about putting your spouse first as biblical she tells me kids will forever come first. She tells me it's God, the kids, then me. It feels like God, the kids, family, her friends, herself, then me.

As for the back and forth I spoke of earlier one thing stuck out. When discussing sex as a connection for me and how I don't want it just for the release of it, but because it brings me closer to her she responded with you should focus on things that are important. So I've given up on even going into that with her. I love my wife to death don't get me wrong, but why keep beating a dead horse I guess. I'm gonna stay in prayer and try to better my life with God. It's gotten to a point with her that when she changes i just leave the room. I've already stopped begging for kisses and cuddles and have just decided that if she wants me she'll come to me. I'll be seeking a Christian therapist soon it's already in the works and be picking up the books many have recommended.

Many said she doesn't seem she's walking with Christ, but she will randomly speak spiritual wisdom that takes me back and surprises me. I'm not mad with God, but I'm being honest with him in my prayers and telling him exactly how I feel. It's like I'm stuck in mud and spinning tires and I'm running out of gas. It brings me back to my childhood with my dad and mom. I went to him for advice and he told me he went through the exact thing so I asked him how he handled it and he told me badly. He said regrettedly he just stayed gone all the time which I faintly remember. He worked all the time and when he wasn't he was in a bar or fishing said he at the time he didn't see the point of coming home, because A. We were asleep when he got home and when he left for work and B. He basically didn't have a wife. He again explained don't do that. Through this rough patch it's brought my mom, dad, and me closer, because before this we were at each other's throats. I know this may sound harsh, but it feels good to have attention and be showed love.

Sorry I'm rambling.

TL;DR I'll never be put above our children. Sex isn't important to her and probably never will be.

Hello,

I am just writing to say. I stepped out on my marriage 8 years ago. I wasn't a Christian then. But it's still no excuse. I knew it was wrong. My wife is the light of my life, I have no answer for what I've done other than pure selfishness. I was growing with god until I asked him to come into my heart and the thought that kept coming to me is that I needed to tell her. I fought it for longer then I should have. I didn't want to do the hard thing he was telling me to do. I owned up to it. Gave no excuses told her it was out of pure selfishness as well as some insecurity issues I have been dealing with for my entire life and yes the attention made me feel good at the time. But, this has been eating me alive and I can't continue walking the path with her towards god knowing I have done this. I don't need sympathy just pray that my family will be okay and that gods plan will work out.

Over the past 5 years I’ve gone from an overflowing cup of joy to an empty, dry, empty shell. 15 years ago I went from a cultural Christian to a grateful sinner saved by grace. By the grace of God the veil was removed and my life did a 180. Life is never easy, but despite circumstances my heart was full of joy, compassion and peace that surpasses all understanding. Spiritual disciplines like daily prayer, Bible study, being accountable to other men, confession, fasting, etc. assisted with sanctification and growth for years. All this time my marriage continued to be strained by my wife’s unrepentant sin and rebellious heart. Very far from perfect I worked towards reconciliation. I fought for my marriage through counseling, work shops, weekend retreats, etc. Obedience not outcomes became my mantra. Finally in a loving spirit my wife was put under church discipline by our small group and elders. The decision was made that this included me a well. I lost my church family, my accountability group. Eventually we started going to a new church. Our pastor is fully aware of the situation. Over this time I’ve lost the ability to see my own sin, the joy of his salvation is a distant memory. For years I prayed for them to return. For years I kept practicing spiritual disciplines to keep some healthy guard rails in place. After 10 years of doing so I don’t start the day with prayer and Bible study any more. I show up to church and check the box. I can no longer look my children in the eye and honestly say follow me because I’m following Christ and it will do us good. After 20 years porn and pot have started to creep and re-enter my life. The compassion for others that once filled my heart is gone. I can’t discern what the wall is between me and the Holy Spirit. Does being “one flesh” make discipline a package deal?

Will try to make this short. My husband and I had a very, very messy start. We have now been happily married for 10 years, he's my best friend, affectionate, hardworking, creative, kind, and the best dad I know.

When we met, he was a total party boy and very promiscuous. I was a traumatized wreck and barely keeping my life together. We bonded over drinking and sleeping together. We were FWB on and off for a couple years, but it was messy - I wanted commitment and he didn't. Never really had a good conversation about it or got any answers, we both had awful communication skills. During that time he had many other sexual relationships, and a few girlfriends; his relationships were also messy, he didn't take them seriously, maintained the same lifestyle and broke up after a few months. He was very depressed during these years but you wouldn't have known it from the outside because he was the life of the party. About three years after we met, he decided he was ready to commit to me. Overnight pretty much became a different person. Embraced his faith and started living for Christ, quit drinking, became very good with his boundaries, zero relationship/fidelity messiness, he became very determined and future-oriented. Besides ironing out our different communication styles and childhood trauma, we've had a really good, solid marriage and are very happy today. I've asked him in the past and he says that he genuinely just had to reach a point where he wanted to change his life before he could seriously commit to anyone, which makes sense.

It bothers me that our start was so messy. It bugs me that we don't have a typically romantic beginning where boy meets girl, they fall in love, and live happily ever after. I know real life isn't so clear cut, but it hurts that he chose to commit to others after we had already been FWB instead of me (even if he didn't really honor these other commitments). I try to focus on the beautiful relationship we have today. I have a lifelong struggle with insecurity so I do reflect on this fairly often.

Anyway, the other day I was reminded through an unrelated conversation of a time when he slept with multiple people, including me, in a day. Obviously well over a decade now and not something he would ever bring up since he never reminisces on his previous sexual experiences. This conversation was a few days ago and since I've been spiraling a bit - why did he do that then? Why wasn't I enough? If I wasn't enough then, how am I enough now? How could he have all those experiences with all those people and then be satisfied with just me now? Logically, I can understand it, but emotionally it makes me feel so insecure. I feel like I'm so insecure that it's making me not enjoy the blessing God has given me in having such an amazing husband.

Just looking for advice or opinions. I realize my thought process is really not fair to him and not logical. I hesitate to bring it up to him, because he hasn't done me any wrong and it's unfair for me to make him pay for his sins ten years later when he's been a stellar husband. I'm in therapy already for anxiety and insecurity and do plan to discuss this wit my therapist. I appreciate advice, even if I need a reality check. I pray for the Lord to heal this part of me that feels so insecure. Thank you.

Is if a sin? If not, is it wrong or lack of self control to not want to wait for my husband to get home from work when I can pleasure myself and still have more in me to do stuff together later?

My husband is great but he isn’t keeping me sexually satisfied. His back hurts, he’s tired, the kids are around. There is always a reason we can’t have sex. Sometimes he’ll wake me up at 6 AM and we will have a round but I’m barely awake. Occasionally we will have true alone time and go all out and its great but that’s maybe 2 times a month. I have been needing it twice a day and getting it twice a week or less

I know all the advice everyone says,but I want my wife back. I can't control what she is thinking but I can let her know how I feel. She left me because of some reason. Whatever that reason is I need to fix and get it together to keep her. She is the most dynamic woman I have ever known, best cook, best looking, smartest, and a great bible student. If she chooses not to take me back, good for her, it won't be for lack of effort on my part.

Not necessarily asking for advice, but wanting to hear how others have navigated the issue of having/not having kids when your spouse wants the opposite.

Quick background on my situation in case it’s similar to anyone else’s: We’ve been married for 5 years. When engaged, I wanted kids but didn’t have a number in mind and my wife said she’d like some but no more than 2 - ok, not a problem. As the years have gone on, she’s slowly changed her mind to maybe only wanting one biological kid and maybe adopting the second - ok, still fine I guess as I want at least one kid of my/our own. Recently, she works in healthcare and has learned a lot more about complications in pregnancies and childbirth and is honestly afraid of getting pregnant, so she’s now in the camp of adopting one, maybe two kids but does not want biological children.

I don’t believe this is a divorce issue, though it’s painful to hear and think about. And honestly it’s difficult not to feel a bit defrauded as we got married with one thing in mind and she is the one who has changed her opinion. I realize many things could cause this type of issue in a marriage, such as medications/health problems, trauma, relationship issues, etc. so I’m working on not becoming bitter and praying that our opinions on this will eventually merge - whether she ends up aligning with me or I with her. Either way, I keep reminding myself that God is my ultimate fulfillment and that neither a good marriage nor kids nor money can ever come close to that…so that’s my source of joy. But if God wills, I also yearn for agreement on this issue with my wife.

So - how have others’ experiences in this realm played out? How have you handled it personally?

We are torn apart by infidelity (my part) but we are still married. I am praying for reconciliation. I know I messed up really bad and he is hurt. I feel in my heart God is not done with us. My husband has since been confiding in another woman. Says God sent her to help him forget about me. I found out they have been intimate together but I still love him and still want to fight to make this work just like he did for me.He feels that things between him and her are happening naturally so that's why he needs to stay in it. I just have such a hard time thinking this is what God wants. He says in time, if God doesn't have anyone else for him, we can try again. I have hope but I'm scared. Not sure what to make of all this.

Thanks everyone for your help and encouragement. I've removed the post details as I don't know if it's helpful long term. But I appreciate everything everyone provided.

So refer my last post for context id link it, but honestly don't know how.

I had a heart to heart with my wife. We both brought up points and we both had things we needed to work on. Sex being the big thing we both agreed it is important. She apologized that she wasn't in the mood for it that she's going through a lot and just didn't feel up to sex. I understood where she was coming from and thanked her for telling me. I explained it makes me feel more connected and loved and it helps relieve stress for me which she understood. As for physical intimacy outside of sex she's explained her not showing it is due to the amount of stress she's under and she felt overwhelmed. I understood.

This morning I woke up craving sex and I didn't try to initiate i just came out and asked her hey would there be a chance we could, then followed up with you have a choice and I wouldn't be upset if she didn't. She said yes we will later. I asked a follow up of do you really want to or are you just doing it because I want to. She said she really did want to just not right at that moment. So I accepted and waited. Through out the day I would ask her jokingly hey we still on for tonight and she'd say yes for sure(she has memory issues, but looking back i was probably wrong for this). Well day turned to night and still nothing I didn't want to bring it up, because I didn't want her to get uncomfortable or anything. She fell asleep. So I guess she changed her mind. Which honestly id be more upset if I didn't expect it. Usually even when we plan it she changes her mind. So I'm coping with that now.

I want to be speer of the moment, but me not being allowed to even touch her in those ways makes that impossible. So I'm stuck in this waiting game of her initiating something. Which I don't mean this rudely she isn't know for initiating, except for those rare moments. So me being banned for initiating basically translate to no sex.

I love her with all my heart and it's hard to express my love in non physical ways(my love language is physical). I know this may come off as me being wrong, but I feel very unwanted like im just a roommate. I can't cuddle her I can't kiss her heck I can't even hug her sometimes. I find myself just trying to rub her back just so I can feel her. I quickly end up stopping because she takes that as me trying to be sexual. This isn't the woman I married. When we first got together it's like we couldn't get enough of each other. Now it feels like I'm bringing a flame thrower to an ember. It's frustrating.

TL:DR Wife wanted sex, waited all day and just went to sleep.

I’m wondering if any of you decided to divorce your spouse without following the guidelines of the Bible. I ask because I was divorced through abandonment. She was a believer and left me. It makes me wonder if she was ever a Christian in the first place. In my opinion I think she has paranoid personality disorder based off the symptoms and causes lining up.

But for those of you who may not have any mental illness, did you divorce your spouse in a unbiblical manner?

Hi guys :)

I’m a young adult (F) and live with my parents. They have been going through a rough patch in their marriage. I wanna know how to help.

My mom told me a few months ago that she suffers depression episodes every year since she married my dad. Sometimes she doubts that he loves or ever loved her, believes he isn't attracted to her, that he won't defend her because he doesn't care about her, etc. She's had thoughts of [sewerslide] before, but she never acts on them. I don't want to get bogged down in the details, but both of them are sinners who need grace--like all of us.

My mom shares her feelings to me... and I like that she's talking to somebody, but I'm the wrong person. Every time she does I feel like I get second-hand depression (is that a term? idk). She also makes a lot of jokes about leaving him or dying as soon as I get married/have kids, and makes comments under her breath about no sexual appeal, etc. I just feel so saddened by that and I feel like I can't ask anybody I know without damaging my parents' reputation in our circles.

I’ve tried mediating between them many times, but I don't think I can emotionally handle it anymore. My mom's apologized for sharing her feelings with me. I brought up talking to our pastor to her but my mom said it was too personal to share. I mentioned Christian relationship counseling, but knowing them they'll probably be hesitant about it too.

If you have experience in this sort of thing, what can I do to help in their marriage situation?

Thanks.

Most of my friends in my most immediate circle are agnostic or atheists. Nearly all of them are in long term relationships (as long as 15 years) and none of them are married with no plans to get married. They don't understand why marriage is important.

They're curious and don't understand. I would love to be able to do the topic justice, but I don't know how to explain it without coming across as saying "my relationship is more sacred and binding than yours".

Any thoughts?

I've been in a few subreddits where people are in terrible marriages. Whether it's lack of intimacy, emotional or physical neglect, the situations described makes marriage seem repulsing.

And as Christians, if we're not (lack of a better term) "enjoying" our marriage, we can't divorce our wives/husbands and start again.

So to me, it seems like, marriage is arbitrary. You either get the most awesome spouse or you get a lackluster spouse but until one of you dies, you're...stuck.

So how does a single guy like me wrap their head around this concept. That things will be okay even in a PERMANENT state of neglect or abuse? Am I allowed to move out and not remarry if it affects my emotional/mental/spiritual health?

Anything helps

For a bit of background, I can shave my legs and underarms every 3-4 days without an issue, but shaving or using an electric razor on my bikini area leads to all kinds of issues including razor burn, ingrown hairs, etc. I have a disorder that can lead ingrown hairs to become abscessed cysts, which always leaves scars.

I have always tried to be as clean shaven as possible because I know that is my husband's preference and what he likes. I just recently got the diagnosis explaining why I get these cysts, so armed with that I really want to prevent as much as possible, and the idea of not constantly having insanely itchy razor burn/ingrown hairs sounds pretty appealing too.

I have tried waxing and honestly I was pretty disgusted and turned off by it. It also lead to chaffing which is quite unsexy as well lol.

How much of a big deal is it to the married men here if your preference is bare but your wife doesn't do that? I will add, I do trim and keep everything short and neat for what that detail is worth.

I have so many reasons I struggle with not feeling good enough, and it's really hard to feel like I'm intentionally adding one more reason 😓

I am looking to hear the thoughts of Christians married a decade and beyond. Is marriage deeply satisfying to you and, given the chance (knowing all you now know), would you do it again? Please state whether male or female, your age and length of time married. A similar post posted in another (non-Christian) sub revealed most women would not marry again. I'm curious as to whether there is more joy and satisfaction for the man, particularly in marriages where complentarianism is embraced. Please share your thoughts.

Hi Reddit, I am a 25F married to my husband 30M for 2 years but have been together for 6 total. We have been through quite the relationship. We’re most couples first. Few years of marriage is filled with the small mundane moments and trying to figure that out, we’ve had plenty of big moments that we’ve had to navigate.

For example, we got married, and my sister cleaned that my father-in-law touched her inappropriately the day after we got married, which I know wasn’t true because I was there for the whole thing and sober. Then we moved to California, we experienced financial hardship and couldn’t find jobs for about three or four months, I got pregnant during that time, I lost the baby shortly after, I spiraled , because I felt alone in the mess that I was in, he got increasingly harsh with me, and I was traveling for work, so was not around a whole lot. Then we moved to Washington, where his family resides. I get pregnant again right away. We both get jobs, he relapses for three months, then his brother commit suicide in our homewhile we were both there. My husband sobered up the day after that happened and then four months later we had our child. Our business has been rocky and he has had a hard time gaining clients in this economy. I am a stay at home mom and stop working as soon as my son was born.

here’s my dilemma, a few months back my husband developed feelings for my best friend and then confessed them to her while we were all on a trip to Florida. I can understand why that happened as marriage was rocky and it’s really easy to get feelings for someone who is showing you kindness when things are rough in your marriage . I realize that was an issue with him, and I was newly postpartum and really needed help. I didn’t deserve it. anyways that sent us marriage counseling. We have been going since August and while we’ve gotten some really good tools, I feel that my husband has not opened his heart towards actually growing in our marriage and becoming better. I have been trying, keeping up with household chores, trying to generate new routines as my son becomes busier and busier. I try to get done with my husband ask me and sometimes don’t want to, but I know if I do it. I’m being obedient to the Lord.

The last few weeks have gotten kind of weird for some reason. Now he does have a brain tumor and his pituitary gland which affects his hormones. I have been very empathetic to when he’s not in the mood but at the same time don’t want to just let him use it as an excuse to not satisfy my needs for connection so I’ve been brainstorming on ways to get creative in the bedroom, even if he’s not in the mood, he can still do things that would make me feel like he cares about my emotional needs and needing to connect with him, however every time we have sex, I feel like he’s just looking to get laid and then never really cares about making sure that I am satisfied. Just feels like sex, which is so disheartening because I want to connect deeper with him. I know connection is not just about sex, and I understand that but at the same time that’s about the only way that he’ll give me anything. I got little to no affection during the day.

So my pastors told me that if there was a willingness to change in our marriage, then it could probably be reconciled, so seed and tried to wait to see for that willingness a willingness to go to counseling, but I’m not sure that there’s a willingness to change. He does say that is all my fault, I’m the only one that needs to change, and he hasn’t changed anything, but it’s gotten worse so that indicates that I am the problem . He was not violent with me the last couple days, but has been really rough to the touch and you can tell it’s angry touching. I have a small child and I’m just so lost on what to do. Even if you sober, do men like him, recover emotionally from the damage that they’ve inflicted on themselves? I try to use the word narcissist very lightly, but I do feel like there may be some tendencies there. Do they ever recover if I continue to stay in this marriage, I know God will honor it, but will I be forgiven if I don’t? And I’m so scared to be a single mom, I don’t know how I’m gonna figure it out and, nothing in me wants to send my child to daycare because that’s against everything we believe in, but I’m afraid that that might be my only option if we end up getting a divorce.

So with that being said, please be kind in your words because I am in a very vulnerable season right now. I’m just looking for advice or prayers. Please don’t tear my husband apart because I do care about him, but he does struggle and you’re all the same. We sinners but just in different ways .

We are a couple of immigrants who have been in this situation for almost 2,5 years already. We have an 8 month old son, with whom I stay at home while my husband works night shifts. We've never argued as much as the last 8 months. It feels incredibly hard. My husband seems to have difficulties in adapting to the new country. He does work and we have a small circle of friends. However, at every argument he brings it up that all doors are closed in this country and his life is miserable. These worlds I've been hearing since our son was born. The husband has lost all the optimism he had, and only sets himself up for a failure. Whenever we face a difficulty (like having to move to another apartment, or dealing with bureaucracy), he starts cussing and cursing everything under the sun. I guess he is clearly overcome by depression. At times it goes away, At times it's so intense that I want to leave. This being said, he is a good man and we married because we love each other. He is indeed a family man and serves faithully at local protestant church as a worship team member. He does help me out with chores when he's free. The thing that gets me is his uncontrolled cussing. I keep reminding him kindly that he should not be cussing in the presence of our little son. But he can't control what comes from his mouth. Im not even sure he walks with the Lord anymore. I get it that he's really tired at his job (is still getting used to the schedule, as the job he has for 1 month). Getting back to our home country is out of the question (at least for me), as it's hazardous right now. I do pray for him to find comfort and faith again. But everything feels so bad. Today we yelled at each other while our son was crawling on the floor and I feel so bad for that. Husband would say he recognises this problem and will try to control his tongue. Till this day these are just words. Would appreciate any advice from fellow believers. On how to save relationships and our sanity.

I've had sex with trans women over 5 years ago (early 20s). I grew up struggling with porn addiction, which led me down a rabbit hole that essentially ruined my life. Since 2020, I have gave my life to Christ and have repented for and turned away from that sexual sin. I have no desire to do that and the thought of me doing that, in past, now disgusts me. I have now met a girl who I have been dating for the past seven months, who I love deeply. The attraction I have to her is something l've never experienced before. Recently we were having a convo and she brought up how her worst fear is finding out the man that she's with is bisexual. I don't consider my self bisexual as I'm not attracted to anything but women. I truly feel as if I have been redeemed and that I am not the same person I was over 5 years ago. Should I disclose my sexual history, from before we met, to her? I really love her and don't want my past mistakes to ruin it. I hope this post doesn't offend anyone. Any advice is helpful.

So my wife and I are having issues pertaining to sex. She told me she doesn't want me touching, talking, or pursuing her in that way. I'm respecting her decision completely in the matter, but the issue I'm having is I'm getting very little affection. I get I love you's a good deal, but nothing physical except for the occasional hug. When asked about this she has explained she withdrew physical affection (nonsex) due to me getting a b*ne each time she does.

It is true just her kissing me gets me ready for sex due to it being awhile. I try to explain I'm not trying to initiate sex it's just my body that I can't really control yet it falls of deaf ears. I feel bad and think maybe there is a way to prevent such things. Not only that, but without physical affection both sexual and non I'm not feeling very loved. She reassures me constantly so I feel my emotions are just wrong. We are both in therapy I'm the only one medicated.

I don't blame her by any means. Fighting temptation is crippling not to go outside my marriage or watch porn(though I did slip in that last week, but was only once and didn't really excite me for lack of better term) but to masturbate because for some reason I have this insane drive and when I get into a depressed mindset it hightens it and I got the worse of the draw with my meds, because in very rare cases it raises drive and I got that rare symptom.

Honestly I just want to know how I can better myself and possibly help explain to the love of my life that when I do get those "ups" it's not me trying to get sex out of her.

My girlfriends past bothers me and idk why , I seem to pour out asking to forget but yet I still seem to remember or visualize it way too much. I have a past as well which I know sounds hypocritical but yet I still struggle to let go . How did you go about it ? Of course rayer & fasting but what’s also some sound biblical wisdom that could help me out and not disregard how I may feel about it?

I have alot to share, so I apologize for all of it now. I (29) met my current husband (31) in 2009 as high school sweethearts(15 and 17). We had a pretty good relationship before he got involved with weed and certain people. We broke up briefly in 2013 but still saw each other off and on as a friends with benefits thing for a few months ( young and dumb, not Christian led yet) before I fell pregnant with our oldest child. Of course, right off the bat he denied it being his despite him being the one and only person I had ever been with. I faced pregnancy alone, having to live in a homeless shelter, emergency gallbladder surgery at 27 weeks, and was fully convinced by him that his family hated me so much they wanted nothing to do with the baby. Once she was born, it was revealed that he never told his parents and had lied to me about the whole thing including logging into his moms facebook messenger and deleting the messages my own father had sent her to talk to her about the grandbaby on the way. Of course, once our daughter was here, I was starstruck and took him back with open arms, all forgiven..... but over the years, things got progressively worse. While trying to put myself through school, it was always brought up when making any financial decisions, it was always " talk to me when you make as much money as I do".  Of course, I just rolled with it and buried it down. In 2016 we got married, but a couple days before we got married, my hand got closed into a door by " accident" to prevent me from leaving to cool down after an argument. I still didn't see anything truly wrong up until this point as we were young and still needed to learn from each other in many ways, and put christ first. #rosecoloredglasses

Come 2017, I had our second child, and boy was he not happy. He lost his job shortly before we found out we were expecting. He still sent our daughter to child care while I worked full time, and just stayed home moping. It was during this time our daughter got drugged from said child care provider, and I went on bed rest. He did get a job again and things were better for a short brief time. I started a medical program in 2018 and it took a lot of my time as well as two kids and working full time, but still tried to make time for him. During this time, I also lost a significant amount of weight and had skin removal surgery. He got angry. We would go on dates and he would make remarks about " how does it make you feel to know those guys were looking at you?" or " you're too skinny and bony now, it's almost a turn off." These comments hurt as this was the healthiest I had felt in a long time. I won't sugar coat it, but feeling rejected and disgusting to the man I took vows with made me feel at an all time low, and feeling like god turned his back on our marriage, in feb 2019, I went home with someone from the bar after drinking too much. Very poor decision on my part, I will 100% agree and acknowledge this. Once he found out, I was snatched up, holes were made in the wall, I was screamed at in my face, our child was screamed at, being told that her mother would never be there for her. We decided to work it out and try to work past it and since I made that mistake on that night.... It has been a nightmare.

In June 2019, I found messages of him talking to another woman saying that if we were to be divorced, I would still be a problem, calling her beautiful, inviting her over to his moms hot tub and trying to meet up with our kids! When I tried to read the messages with my own eyes, he deleted them. He had her message me saying there was nothing going on. I forgave and moved on. In 2020 covid happened and my job took a lot of my time on the front lines. I tried to still make time, and even suggest marriage counseling at this point only to be met with lots of reluctance and stonewalling. We moved into a bigger home thinking that our problem would be solved if we weren't all on top of one another and had space to ourselves. newsflash, it did not. The arguing continued, the lack of communication continued, the lack of intimacy continued. I swapped jobs for something a little closer and allowed me to be home during the week nights... Still with not much improvement. In 2022, in desperation, I suggested we open the bedroom to try and fulfill our lacking needs somehow somehow. Bedroom life at this point had become mostly transcatual. 0/10 do not recommend. Things got crazy. By the end of 2022, I felt like we were at a stalemate....I found additional messages to another female after we agreed to close the bedroom back where he was purposely hiding them. His dad, brother and sister moved in with us briefly.... and that was a mess in itself as well.

Now that I have you mostly caught up, let's get to the recent stuff that I really and truly need insight on. In the beginning of 2023, stress was at an all time high. A close family member of mine took a fall, my step-mom had to have emergency open heart surgery, my job lost a provider with the possibility of our unit closing and I started having panic attacks. I asked him to help me with some of the basic house stuff or to be there for me during this time as my hair was falling out and I was dropping more weight from stress. That went unheard. I was told I was too high strung or too much.  Things got better once my mom was discharged home and made a full recovery. He was more attentive for a brief while, so I thought we were on the mend. I also started praying again, thinking that this would help since we had so much to be grateful for. I was wrong. We started slipping again, and during this time of our lives, we had a couple we were friends with acting super weird. I brought this to my husbands attention more than once that the husband from their marriage was wanting to know what I was doing, who I was with, showing up unannounced to do our yard, and was starting to make me super uncomfortable especially after he showed up one day as I was getting out of the shower. My spouse stated he would address it but it never happened. We started talking less and on our wedding anniversary, I was stood up for our lunch plans. I was heartbroken. Come a few days past thanksgiving, we agreed on a non contested divorce. I went upstairs to make a call where I made a pretty nasty remark, to which he heard. The bathroom door got busted in, yelling ensued, and a deadly thing was pointed at me after he had it pointed in his mouth. Cops were called that night, mostly for a welfare check and charges were pressed. Of course, I was called everything under the sun. He posted bail a couple days later and the weird friends helped him. That's when the truth came out..... In jan of 2023 when I was begging and pleading for him to be there as a partner, he sexually touched my best friend of 8 years in our home, ( the day before my birthday) with the kids there. He says they didn't go all the way but that they talked about it and talked about hiding it from me. That he had so much guilt about it that he " loved the heck out of me and tried to put forth more effort." She had also hid this for 11 months. He admitted to giving her the very things I was asking of him with the communication and vulnerability with the reasoning that he didn't have any emotional obligation to her. That he was willing to teach her how to do things that I was asking because it was just easier to talk with her. That his dad and stepmom had tried to set him up with another woman a couple weeks right before we got married, and that he never really defended me against his family when they were slandering me for my wrong doings and putting the kids first.   He agreed that he needed mental health help and that he had every intention of pulling the trigger that night. On him or myself, I have no idea. He wanted to come clean about it so we could try one more time, as he didn't want to have our children growing up in a broken home. I made my conditions known, read your books that are given to you, read the scripture, therapy and get mental health help. In this time, he has only seen a therapist 3 times in 12 months and not taking the meds for unspecified mood disorder. He has not read the books. He has screamed at me that he hates me and I will be the reason he offs himself. We have had CPS called because the previous friends reported some very false allegations, yet it was my fault they were called. He has thrown in my face more than once that he is leaving, he will get his things and go. He moved out in June, after a horrible miscommunication of packing the things in the garage to help organize it. It's now November and he is dating another girl, 22 , while our divorce isn't even finalized.  During all of this, I have prayed and tried not to be angry. I have tried to handle this with grace. I have tried to communicate with him as it is vital to try to even remotely move past all this let alone coparent, yet I am being told, we don't always have to talk about our feelings. I love this man, he wasn't always like this, and I pray for him daily. Is this even worth savaging? Do I just cut my ties? All things are possible with Christ, and I just want the person who I fell in love with back. The person who was a God fearing man. Not the person who he is now. I will admit I have made my own mistakes and I will have to atone for them when my time comes but am I being unreasonable? I can see he is trying to change, but he says he's not coming home, that we are done. I feel in my heart that God doesn't want me to give up yet, that the toxicity and hurt can be left at the cross to restart our marriage with CHRIST in the center, not our own selfish needs.

But I am also going to turn to other fellow christians, maybe some of you who have dealt with DV and toxicity like this, to see if you all have any advice.

Thank you!

How should genuine bible believing churches handle domestic abuse?

Other than telling the victim to leave the abuser and report it to the police, what should churches do?

Especially in situations where leaving the abuser doesn’t stop the abuse and where the abuser has close friends in the police so they never charge the abuser, refuse to enforce restraining orders, and where the victim has been left homeless, unable to work due to injuries and where the abuser lied in family court and claim there were no marital assets (in a country that doesn’t do spousal support and where welfare isn’t even enough to rent a room in a share house).

I’m trying to support a friend who lives in another state who is going through this. I am not in a position where I can help other than to offer prayers and advice and emotional support as she can’t move here as they have a child they share custody and because her estranged husband did some really dishonest things in family court, she gets no child support even though he earns a lot of money. She has to give up her well paid job due to her injuries from him. We live in a country where basically if the police don’t charge the abuser for the assault, there is no way to get any financial restitution from the person who did the assault.

Even though she has been putting all her small welfare cheque on a small apartment for her and her child, it still wasn’t enough and she has until two days before Christmas to be out of her home.

Her ex knows this but has bluntly said his lying about their assets and their respective income so that he got the house they owned together and all their savings and she was left penniless and homeless when they separated is “in the past” and “she should just move on”. and his view has always been not about whether something is right or wrong or legal or illegal but if he can convince the police or a court that he’s in the right, that that makes it right. To him, it’s not about whether something IS right, it’s about whether he can make it LOOK right to others.

They went to a church together for years while together. She told the pastor and elders about the abuse, and their response was to tell her to leave even though they knew she had nowhere to go and was adamant he wouldn’t only get more abusive if she left. They said that’s a matter for the secular world (police and courts and government welfare etc) to help her with. They did have some private meetings with her husband and told her that they said to him his behaviour was unchristian and he should stop what he was doing, but he adamantly insists they never said any such thing. She suspects, knowing him and knowing the pastor and elders, they would have said it very vaguely and he is narcissistic and wouldn’t have realised they were telling him he was being abusive and to stop it.

One example is the pastor wrote them both an email saying “she has accused you [him] of being abusive; all abuse has to stop”. He has bluntly said that doesn’t mean they thing he is abusive, therefore the “abuse has to stop” must be aimed at her. He bluntly says that to everyone and seems to believe it.

She begged the pastor and elders to stay it more bluntly to him (he is diagnosed as neurodivergent and doesn’t absorb things unless said very bluntly). But they just responded by saying it should have been clear enough, and refuse to believe that anyone might need it to be more blunt.

It also didn’t help that the church leaders seem to have the view that church discipline is so outdated that it’s abusive to still do it these days. The only thing they would do (other than tell him in vague terms his actions were unchristian without even saying which ones) is say that he wasn’t allowed to volunteer in the church anymore.

When he eventually realised (after a few years) that he couldn’t make them pretend the abuse wasn’t happening and wouldn’t allow him to volunteer at church until the abuse stopped, he left the church.

She had stopped attending the church because he was being threats to tell the police she was stalking him and have her arrested if she went to their church, saying that because he’d gone their for one year longer than her, it made it “his church” (they had gone together for many years).

Anyway, he eventually left when he couldn’t make the pastor and elders pretend the abuse didn’t and wasn’t still happening.

The problem is his new church is willing to pretend the ongoing abuse isn’t happening. She reached out to the new church’s pastor when she first found out she couldn’t keep working because of her injuries from her husband and how even before she had to stop working, because she’d given up her real career to stay at home when their child was born because he wouldn’t let her use childcare at all, she was already living in poverty and had been left homeless and with nothing when they first separated so had nothing to fall back on when she couldn’t keep working.

The new church’s pastor just responded with “what are you asking of me?” She begged him to confront her husband about lying in family court to take their home and savings, and about leaving her unable to work because of the injuries he did to her and lying about his income to get out of spousal support and refusing to allow their child to move so she can move somewhere cheaper than the very expensive city they live in.

And the response was basically “I’ll think about talking to him”.

Her estranged husband has responded to her just a few days ago about her raising his abuse of her with him by saying that things like his lies in court to take their home and savings and his assaults of her that mean she can’t work (also she has a lot of expensive ongoing medical bills that are getting more expensive as she had multiple surgeries on her injuries), that all of those things are “in the past” and since the police and court took his side, even though it was by him lying and her not being able to afford a lawyer (while he spent half a million dollars of their savings on his lawyer) (we also don’t have public defenders for custody matters here) that he’s just following their decisions and whatever a police officer and judge decide, that’s what should happen (even if it was based on believing a person lying).

It’s been six months since she reached out to the pastor at his new church begging for him to intervene. A few days ago she got the eviction notice to be out before Christmas and today she got a call from the utility company saying the water and gas are being cut off in two weeks and electricity being cut off in January unless she pays a huge bill before then.

I’ve watched how hard she’s tried to get a job but employers are really awful to disabled people here and when for desk jobs they’ll be judgmental towards people who struggle to walk. And who is going to employ someone who needs major surgery two to three times a year and needs months at home to recover.

If her husband’s new church bluntly confronts him, I think he’ll change the way he treats her. Not because he’ll feel remorseful for his abusiveness but because he cares about maintaining his image as “a good Christian man”. Personally I don’t care why he changes, even if it’s just to look good at church, I just want him to change what he is doing to her.

But how does one convince pastor and elders that they must bluntly confront domestic abusers and not just get help from secular organisations that just simply don’t exist (like homeless shelters) or, like her local police, don’t care abuse?

M(27) with W(22) married 11 months

I would like to dive into the mind of those of you’s who oft times have bad tendencies, critical errors, and toxic behavior in general. I want perspective regarding being the one that needs to be forgiven.

Forgiveness is a must. I’m a fan of the book Hosea. Sounds crazy but, that book is talking about how God views us.

I’m quick to forgive. But I can imagine it must be tedious to realize the error and hurt that sin causes.

Something’s I contend with is abysmal communication, lying, texting men, stoic demeanors in situations that beg compassion and repentance to name a few.

Often times she just says I’m no good for you, and wants out of the marriage. Twice already.

Looking for discussion and prayer so I can tackle my approach to dealing with issues better.

We have a 4 month son.

My fiancée and me have been engaged for several months and we have dated for one year before. We are a great fit and we love each other deeply. Apart from that, she is a great person, kind, empathetic and down to earth and my family loves her.

However, there is one problem that we haven't been able to solve. For me it's trivial but it seems to affect her a lot and I worry whether it could cause harm in future. The ''problem'' is that I have been married before to my HS sweetheart for 3 years. She cheated on me and left so I was allowed to remarry one day. 3 years later I met my fiancée and I'm absolutely sure about marrying her. She is several years younger than me and I'm her first relationship and she is extremely jealous of my ex-wife (we are no contact) and unhappy about the fact that I was married previously. She says she never thought she would marry a divorced person and it feels like a dissapointment, also she frequently asks me whether I love her less than I used to love my ex-wife, whether I find her less attractive and she needs a ton of reassurance. However, she wants to marry me despite of this and hopes that her issues will resolve with time, when she gets older and more confident (she is 22 now). She has been to therapy for it but sofar it doesn't seem to help.

Do you think marrying despite her insecurity will turn out well, or will it likely lead to deeper issues and resentment?