I need to admit, i didn't read the comments on my previous post. I felt negatively attacked for just trying to point out some of the positivity i feel when it comes to my bpd.

Well, this morning i was depressed, needing to cry, and walking couldn't help, running couldn't help, meeting new animals couldn't help. I know how bad it is when you go through depressing episodes. I'm not an idiot here.

How do I feel now? Amazing! Ambitious! I have goals to fulfill, i feel happy for being me.

Contradictions...? HELL YEAH! we're borderlines! We don't know who we are. We go through EXTREMES. We're annoying, crazy, and we feel like we might be abandoned any moment soon. We fear to depend on someone fully, and if we sense something fishy, we END EVERYTHING with that person.

Come on! Is that ugly? Well, to most of you, yes. But to me, i forever choose to be my biggest supporter and to hold myself proudly no matter what I'm going through. I choose to see the beauty that most people ignore. And I do see beauty in my own bpd. I am proud of the way i think, and the way i cherish myself no matter what.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 10 months now. It’s also important to know I was single since 2018, so 6 years? So this is like, new sorta. I’m 41, I’ve been through hell and it was hard as hell to get through the worst of my BPD. I’ve evaluated myself, my past relationships, where I went WAY wrong, and where I needed work. That’s what I did from 2018-present, I worked on me. Ok back to the relationship:

I’ve been battling with health issues, and he’s so supportive and he takes me to my appointments, and he’s so gentle and kind, insanely intelligent yet humble.

With some recent health issues, I’ve been laid up in bed and a broken foot. We haven’t had sex for a bit longer than we usually go between, and I’m torn between:

1. This is normal, sex life does have phases. (My thought: he truly is a sexual person, and I feel like I will not fulfill him.)
2. He’s being super respectful and he’s been making sure I don’t make my fracture worse, us my other health issues. I actually asked him: he said l, well yea, you haven’t been well.

So I asked him if he’s satisfied and he said yes, and I said when will you let me know if it gets to that point? He said I will. I felt like he would have explained more, so I asked again and he said I will let you know. I just get…he’s getting sick of me. And im asking for validation and I feel unsatisfied with his answers sometimes.

Plus he DID say that he stopped trying to seduce me. And I was like…why? He said something like “I’ve stopped trying, I figured you’d come to me when you’re ready.”

I’m trying so hard to keep my bpd in tact. I’ve been utilizing my DBT skills, I see my counselor weekly, and I’ve asked him, am I just crazy? And he reassures me that if I’m rational, he’ll tell me. And I’m actually proud that I’ve only done a few things, like get mad at the cashier at the grocery store.

Idk what else to say, just looking for advice, validation, tell me I’m crazy. I’m afraid my bpd will cause us to breakup.

Thank you everyone. 💕💕💕💕

It’s hard to think anything is real. Especially when I’m always in my head wondering if I’m making shit up or if it actually happened. I have a hard time remembering or recalling events because the majority of the time- I’m in my head. I am always disassociating from everything without even meaning to. It’s hard to even attach to my kids, or my boyfriend, or anyone. I don’t feel real so how can I make real attachments??

I am an extremely sensitive and self aware person but when I have overwhelming stress I become so out of control and out of touch with reality and logic. When I recover and become back to who I thought I was its so disturbing to think of how I acted, emotionally unhinged and so hurtful, it kills me, the pain.. the embarrassment , the shame... I'm just getting so much closer to ending it all due to these events and I don't think there is a way out

I’ve had BPD for as long as I can remember (thanks Childhood Trauma) but was only diagnosed about 8 years ago.

I’ve struggled with feeling human. I have always felt like I am watching myself from third person. I wish I didn’t suck at explaining shit like this but I do. I just am EXTREMELY aware of myself. I am thinking and saying everything in my head while I say it, and always feel as if I’m just watching myself from third person.. does anyone else experience this?

I love my boyfriend today so much it hurts. I am overwhelmed by my feelings. Do you know this unpleasant condition and what do you do about it?

tl;dr - title

I've(m23) probably been struggling with BPD my whole life and didn't really know it. I had issues with depression and anxiety in high school that failed to lead to a BPD diagnosis because of my age. However during St. Patrick's day of this year, my wife(f22) and I went to a bar to meet one of her friends and I don't know if I was overwhelmed or what but I completely ruined the night for her by being clingy, edgy, and making it her fault, leading to us leaving the bar fairly early and walking about a mile home. The next morning my wife told me calmly and nicely that I probably have Borderline Personality Disorder, I was stupid and blew it off as her being mad about the fight. I did some reading on the disorder but didn't take it very seriously. Fast forward to three weeks ago and I've regretted not taking her diagnosis more seriously.

This failed bar excursion happened in our college town where we met. In the summer of this year I moved back to my home town with her where we lived in a place shared with my biological brother. My wife and I had struggled to find jobs for months after moving back to my hometown and in these long unemployed hours at home we fell into a gaming routine with myself, some friends I met online, and my biological father. Over the course of these ~5 months unemployed, we all grew very close.

One of my online friends(m23), who I considered my best friend, started talking to my wife via text a lot, it made me extremely jealous, He never talked to me at such length about anything and was never as punctual to respond to my messages as hers. I immediately grew distrustful of him and her and thought they were plotting to run off without me and leave me behind.

This jealousy peaked when me and my wife went to a birthday dinner for my father. I was already in a bad mood when we got there due to annoyances throughout the day and the fact that I hated the restaurant we were eating at. The tragedy started when my dad asked me what was wrong, why I was upset. I said I didn't really want to talk about it and my wife butted in and said it was because I played a certain game earlier in the day.

The way she said it, the quickness with which she made me feel like an idiot to my whole family, it flipped a switch in me I felt like I didn't know my wife that I didn't believe she was on my side or loved me.

I seethed through the dinner until everyone left, me and my wife stopped by a grocery store on the way home. We routinely smoked weed together but because I was trying to get a federal job at the time I was off weed for 5 days and counting and because of this decided to get a cheap bottle of whiskey in lieu of being able to use weed. It may have proven the biggest mistake of my whole life.

Once we got home and showered off, she went to the living room to watch tv and talk on the phone to our online friend I'd grown distrustful off. This is where I unraveled my life in a drunken stupor. I got wasted and the negative thoughts completely took over me, I texted her screen after screen of the most vile things I could think of to make her feel bad. I took every insecurity she ever told me about and threw it in her face. I outright accused her of wanting to be with our friend or being in an affair with him already.

As if the verbal abuse wasn't enough, I took to reddit and tried to solicit sexting and nudes from various random nsfw accounts to try and make her jealous in the same way that I was. It was a total failure, and the following day after I had sobered up and realized how bad I fucked up by texting her all that shit and felt compelled to confess about the other bad shit I'd done so I levelled with her about it hoping that my honesty would buy me points of consideration in how mad it would make her.

It shattered her, it shattered our relationship, as I told her I looked into her eyes and saw all the relationship that we built together break into a million gritty pieces.

Since then we've separated, unfortunately we both have to live in the same house still but we take turns alternating who gets the bed and the couch. We've been amicable, for the most part I've had a good reign on my emotions living here and especially in dealing with my ex wife I don't yell at her I'm not mad at her for her decision because given the terrible things I've done no one should have to stay through that.

What gets me is that I don't know where to go from here. I feel totally lost, I feel stuck in this family house, stuck in my hometown, and completely alone.

I have no money, although we haven't filed my wife has no present interest in restarting our relationship. All my friends have ostracized me, they say they need breaks from me and I get it but its to the point where it feels like its a permanent break from me. The worst part is I can't blame any of them, I feel like a terrible person, one who doesn't deserve love or companionship because of the harm I've inflicted.

My friend and my wife are now talking more and on the phone and she tells me now how he flirts with her and it drives me completely crazy but the worst part is I only have myself to blame for it. I think constantly about running away from everyone, I feel like such a fuck up, such an idiot for throwing away all the great relationships I had in life. My friends have banned me from our discord server, none of them want to talk to me. My family isn't understanding about the situation. Ironically the person who's helped me the most through all this is my wife. Even her help has a completely bitter sweet effect, sometimes we'll be out together or talking or just watching tv at home and for a second I forget about all the horrible shit, I forget about what I did and where we stand and when I remember its like that fresh feeling of knowing how much I ruined just washes all over again. I think constantly about doing something rash, just driving in a direction or signing up for the military. I have no idea what to do I just feel like everyone would be better off if I was just gone.

I want so badly to have my friends or my wife back or to even just have a decent job, I wake up every morning and pray that I somehow could magically go back to the day when I fucked everything up.

Thank you for reading I know its a lot.

Granted, idk what the recent shift is, but they just started popping up again. Im coping very well right now and I’m not in immediate danger. I am working closely with my therapist and have a safety plan.

As someone who lives with thoughts and sometimes follows through with SH, it’s weird when you also gaslight yourself about it. Like, why am I, in a crisis, thinking “oh, if I SH that’ll soothe me”. Then afterwards it’s like, so you soothed yourself right, or did you just SH to manipulate the people around you, fishing for compassion. The mentally ill brian is a sick place.

I’m burnt out. I’m burnt out being everything for everybody in my household and getting nothing back. I’m tired of talking to people in my household and telling them I need space, time or just a breather and nope. I feel like I’m constantly expected to be everybody’s everything. All the time. I wake up EVERYONE in my house for their stuff (work, school, etc) on the weekends nobody will wake up for me or even give me time to sleep in. Im tired of being the only one who handles school stuff and being “social” for the kids. I’m tired of being asked for my opinion just to be ignored anyways. And my favorite thing ever(super sarcasm) is when they ask me “How are you doing today? You look upset.” Yeah because everyday I’m nothing more than a glorified house maid. Idk what’s going on with me but I am losing my mind. Therapy is a joke, I think I do more counseling for my therapist than he does for me. Idk if I can keep going through this immense feeling of wanting to just have it be silent forever.

Every relationship I get into I only attach if I'm put in a situation where they will hurt me, like to my core, then I have to run back to them for the love and comfort to heal the hurt that they inflicted on me in the first place. This is the only way to fill that gaping hole in my soul. This is so fucked. Why am I like this? Relatable or is this a me thing?

I found it because his new fiancé posted it all over Facebook. For context my Dad & I have a great relationship & always have, I saw him less than a week ago and he didn’t mention it then.

So yeah I’m pissed off beyond belief that he didn’t even at least send me a message to let me know he was engaged before I found out from Facebook. I wanna say something but I don’t wanna ruin his day so I’m not going to.

Is my anger justified here? Trying not to let my bpd run my emotions right now but it’s really hard

what to do when you feel like you feel like this? so i’m going through like the worst time of my life etc but whatever. right now i feel like within a few minutes i won’t be able to control myself and i believe im going to hurt myself? i normally smoke weed or get drunk when this happens but both are 100% unavailable to me right now

My wife has bpd. We’ve been married for 5+ years now and have two beautiful children. She has grown over the years. Her bpd symptoms have improved. Much of the research I have done indicates bpd becomes more manageable with age, which is encouraging. But I really miss the passion and how she cared for me in the first years of our relationship. Now we are a point where she shows me no affection even telling our oldest that she doesn’t love me.

This takes a toll on my oldest who after hearing these comments does her best to try to get us to love each other again. It’s not fair to put that on a child. But after this happens and I’m alone with our daughter, I tell her, “I know Mom cares about me, and I love her with all my heart, and I will never leave her”. Which is true, and it does help my daughter cope.

I’m not sure if this is true for all people with bpd, but discussing relationship problems, any hint at criticism doesn’t usually go well. About the only thing I could get out of my wife last time when discussing, and I’m paraphrasing, is, “The way you made me feel (negatively) about myself in past, will prevent me from ever loving you again”.

I’ve bought many of the books on bpd & joined this community. It has helped me in my understanding and my coping. I’ve suggested she read the books and look at DBT, but that always takes us to the same place as any criticism does, where she thinks she is a failure and wants to give up on life. So I’m asking the community, What helped you decide to get therapy, is there anything I can do to encourage without setting off the reaction? Any suggestions are much appreciated!

And I want to say before I go, there are many beautiful things about bpd. My wife cares in a way that I’ll never be capable of. Any she has taught our children things that are not in me to teach. So keep your heads up. I read many of the posts, and know a lot of you are struggling.

I don't know sometimes if it's just the fact that when I'm just starting out talking to someone, and they are more neurotypical than I am, that they just don't show the same level of excitement and energy as I have towards making a new friend, or if they honestly just don't like me that much. I want friendships that right from the beginning I feel like I've known this person a long time. It's so hard for me to patient for a person to warm up to me. The casualness is underwhelming and makes me self conscious and not want to put in any effort.

This is why I can’t have friends. I want to talk to my favorite person every day. And For none favorite person I’d rather talk to them max 3 time a year 😔😭 and that’s how my favorite persons feel about me lmao. Sigh.

This constant need to be attractive, to flirt.

How can I stop being attracted to anyone who is even remotely handsome in my eyes? And to seek validation? This need to please, even towards people with whom I would not be interested when I am under alcohol: but I have been sober for a month now fortunately. It becomes exhausting and I restrict myself in my interactions. I feel like I'm not a good person to others, that I'm incapable of having friends. (Despite everything, I have loved ones for many years, with whom I have nevertheless gone through this need, and it can come back from time to time.) (I am a woman)

Hello, just found this sub. I was diagnosed with bpd about 6 months ago.

Right now I am terrified that my partner is going to leave me, there's alot of little things that have just built up this idea in my brain, but I know it's all in my head right. I feel like I'm gaslighting myself and making problems out of nothing. I'll spare the details of the little things but is this normal? Is this something other people feel? Is this a bpd thing because I thought it was a me thing.

Hi I'm curious about how BPDs and FP are. Do you always have a favorite person or is there a time where you don't have a favorite perosn? Also if your FP leaves you as a lover, do they continue being your FP for a while?

For someone w/bpd the thought of my SO leaving me is very apparent in my mind, I'm forced to painfully sink my teeth in harder so he doesn't leave me (even though he says he won't.. But let's be real, the last 10 others said the same thing)

He claims he wants to marry me.. And now I'm wondering will my traumatic ass finally get the memo if by LAW we are legally binded? That's an absolute, it's a black and white thinking it is because it's law.

Does it get better. That's my question. Or will I be in this cycle well into my marriage and it won't matter

my growth on radical acceptance

No text back? Ok cool Boundaries crossed? Ok whatever Trust broken? Damn alright.

Genuinely we can’t change things that ppl do. “It is what it is.” People will do things all the time that will ‘disappoint’ us, it just depends how we handle it. I would drive myself insane over people who weren’t stressing about me. Truly a disappointment but whatever. That’s where i just take a step back and leave. I don’t see the point in exerting so much energy/feelings in people even with the proper communication, especially if it starts to get heated and neither parties are at fault. We are all flawed, not everyone will understand and that’s fine, we can try to figure out ways to understand each other. But it all comes down to how we handle the situation. If you start to feel that bodily reaction when something sets you off, it’s time to step away for a bit. Definitely easier said than done but people are full of disappointments, there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just inevitable. Same thing how it’s inevitable to have some hope left even if it’s very small. I don’t even stress it when I get disappointed anymore, it’s peaceful. I’m not perfect either.

I feel like I fucked up and accidentally hurt someone I care about who is innocent and so I am stuck in this rumination of I deserve to be punished and am fighting for my life the SH, SI, and urges of self destruction. I can't go to a hospital because I can't afford it and in there I lose all availability to my coping skills even though they aren't working.

I know if I go in I will just dive deep off the end or just end up doing what I do every time and find someone, attach to them. Do everything I can to help them feel better and fall apart again when they leave. Idk i acnt really help myself from wanting to help people and caring about others. Its not necessarily a bad thing but I need to learn to moderate because I will destroy myself trying to help and to fix things for other people.

For fuck sake, I am in the medical field because being able to help people, even with the smallest little things and that positive feedback is so validating to my mental illness that I can't leave it. My entire life is dedicated to helping others and destroying myself. I can't help it. I've tried to fix myself but I am to remain forever broken. Someone who will give everything I fucking have to help someone else in need but never be one to get or take anything in return.

Don't get me wrong, I don't wanna die, but if this is life, then I don't want it. All the work I did and progress I made was only temporary and fake. This is me. This broken fucking slop of a being that nobody will love. I can give it all day long but never get any in return.

They only like me because I mirror them and do what they want without anything in return. I just ficking wish I could be normal but because someone else broke me and treated me the way they did in my life I am to remain forever broken. Nothing lasts forever except the eternal sleep.

Hey everyone,

I (19 male, diagnosed with BPD in 2022, sufferring from 2020) have been struggling a lot with this, and I’m wondering if anyone can relate. One of the toughest parts of BPD for me is the intense feeling of being ignored, even when I logically know it’s probably not true. Like, I understand that people get busy or forget to respond, but the pain of being left on read or feeling any distance hits me hard.

For example, if a friend or family member is reading messages in a group chat (as in messenger shows that they checked the group message) but hasn’t answered my messages, it feels almost physical. It hurts- a lot. I get trapped in painful "feelings" like, “they don’t care” or “I don’t matter.”(I know it's weird to say I feel certain information. But simply putting at these moment I can think other things and still feeling the pain and those information. Does it make sense?) And knowing that their behavior is perfectly normal, they are not ignoring me becomes just an information which doesn't have any meaning or feeling to me. Also the experience is just painful and ruin the day.

I feel the urge to fix it. To call them, message them. I want them to say that they are ignoring me and it's not okay. But so far I have done this to only one friend who at the third occurrence left me. So I don't really go in this path anymore. But this doesn't mean I don't experience the pain. Rather I feel deep inside I have started to believe that I am abandoned. I’ve tried reminding myself that they’re probably busy, or repeating in my mind again and again that they don’t mean to hurt me. I don't really remember if it worked or not. But this can't go on forever.

How do you handle this? What helps you when that feeling of being ignored becomes so intense? Any techniques or advice would be great, especially for how to talk to people about this without them feeling guilty. Also how do you know they are really being mean? I can't really differentiate. I mean I have told to believe that people are not mean to me. But sometimes they are, it's normal. How do you know when people are really mean and ignoring you? I don't understand those. TBH everything I feel is painful. Sometimes I don't feel anything. Sometimes (not very often) I feel good and rarely happy.

Thanks for reading—I’d really appreciate any tips!

ps. I don't have access to good therapy. I checked a few therapists for a few times- none of them could help me much. I will appreciate any advice.

What does splitting mean to you in your own words? And what does it look like for you?

yeah. I’ve dated TONS in person and online / long distance. I’ve dated all types of people and most of them being pretty immature or even abusive in ways. No matter how much i’ve grown and how much therapy ive been in i have NEVER broken up / left a person that’s no good for me.

This is a trait i wish i didn’t have. I have always been abandoned in relationships, i knew I SHOULD have LEFT. months prior.

• Cheated on me

-physically hurt me

• manipulated me

I’ve fought to save these relationships. knowing there is nothing left to fight for. Giving them up gives me just as much grief as them abandoning me. Is there a way to work on this ?

I don't expect anyone to read this but I just need to get it out somewhere...

I'm miserable with my life. I hate the choices I've made that have put me where I'm at in life. My kids deserve so much more than I'm able to give them. They're better off with their dad than they are with me. At least with him, his mom can help raise them instead of them being stuck around my toxic and dysfunctional family. I divorced their dad because I was miserable with him just to completely destroy my family and make my kids suffer at my side rather than just pushing through my loveless marriage for my kids to have a family dynamic. I'm such a selfish and shitty mom. I should've stayed for the kids despite my feelings. Now we're barely making it, I'm always stressed and depressed and angry. I just want to run away. He barely sees his own kids and I'm doing it all. If I was gone he would be forced to step up. He'd probably do better than me anyway. He knows I'm struggling and refuses to help financially. Our divorce just finalized early October, the judgement hasn't even been entered yet. I've thought about trying to get back with him for the kids sake but it's too late. He's moved on and I know that's not what I want but it's the most practical. My "boyfriend" isn't serious about me and I know our relationship is temporary. I don't think he'll ever be the family man I want, although he says he wants to. He's very independent and enjoys his peace. He's met my kids a few times and we've been seeing each other for over a year. He doesn't even know if he wants to have kids in his life as someone who has none. He tells me he loves me and wants me and that we have a deep connection but doesn't want to be "public". I haven't met his family (they live out of town but supposedly know about me). I've met few of a friends. He has made excuses to meet my dad though he's met my mom because she lives with me. We talk on the phone daily, he checks in with me periodically throughout the day, he cares about my well-being but makes excuses every time I bring up my desire to be in an exclusive relationship. I feel like it's beyond just "privacy", he literally just doesn't want to be serious with me. I feel worthless. I invited him to come trick-or-treating with my kids and I last night and he basically said that doesn't sound like fun and stayed home alone. This was my first year taking my kids out by myself. I felt so lonely seeing these families and wishing my kids had that again. I hate this. I feel like I've ruined their lives by leaving their dad and now this guy who doesn't even care enough to be part of our lives just makes me feel like I should be alone forever. I don't even want to be with anyone if this is what it's like. I clearly can't pick the right ones so I should just be alone. My family is so toxic and I hate that my kids have to be around them so much. I appreciate how supportive and helpful they are by helping me watch them but they're so trashy and they fight all the time and I just feel bad my kids are subjected to it. I hate my mom living with me. She is so difficult to live with and is supposed to watch my kids but she just sleeps on the couch while the run rampant through my house. She's totally negligent and doesn't give a shit. Everything is about her and her problems. I can't tell her anything I'm feeling without her making it about herself. She doesn't pay bills or help around the house really and uses the fact that she "watches" my kids for against me like I would be helpless without her. My ex wants 50/50 custody starting next school year even though he chooses to only see his kids 4 days a month. He wanted to start it sooner but requested my kids be in his school district. I'm debating on letting him take them at the end of the school year just before summer and removing myself from the planet. I'm planning on selling all my stuff between now and then to save up money for my kids, getting my life insurance policies and other affairs in order for them, writing him a letter relinquishing my rights as a parent then disappearing without telling anyone. The last time I tried to off myself my biggest mistake was saying goodbye beforehand. I won't make that mistake again. I just want them to be set before I go and I have plenty of time to plan and make sure I execute it correctly with their best interests in mind. Their dad sucks but at least he's not fucked up mentally like me. My kids deserve better and I'm not getting better. I'm so angry and resentful all the time. I yell all the time and they think I'm mean. I take care of all their basic necessities but they deserve more than that. Therapy doesn't help me. I've tried so many medications and nothing makes these feelings go away. I just don't want to be here anymore. I'm over it. I'm broken. There's something wrong with my brain and I honestly don't think I'll ever get better. I'm tired of traumatizing my kids in the meantime. I don't want to be the reason my own kids need therapy and drugs to deal with life. My family already fucked me all the way up, I don't want them hurting them too. Their best chance at being spared is being raised by ex's family because Lord knows he can't do it by himself. Or maybe he'll get his new girlfriend to raise them. I don't know. Anything is better than this.

So one of my friends is usually always energetic and will text me a lot. Today he hasn’t texted me much and since there’s a time difference between us I didn’t let it get to me. When he did text me I noticed he was extremely dry and immediately I got upset so I asked why he’s being dry and he said “how am I being dry?” (It seemed a bit dumb to me considering he only used ‘hahaha’ and ‘lol’ which he never does) a bit later we were joking around cause I had done my halloween make up (yes a bit late i know.) and he suddenly called me a ‘bop’ (teen language for sl*t i guess?) and it didn’t seem jokingly like he normally would so I went “what?”. He just responded “doesn’t have to be true or is it?” And it seemed to me he just put that title on me since he often makes ‘jokes’ about me being a ‘bop’ (hate that word) Now from then (since the shift in attitude and the ‘bop’ thing) I just suddenly completely switched up and I’m just feeling every negative emotion. Not just that, but I suddenly feel so annoyed at him, like an actual hatred and I just wanna curse him out, etc. i know this is probably just a small phase and it'll be done with in a few hours but i'm so upset. is that switch up of my view on him splitting??

any criticism can lead me to crumble or split or go silent treatment.

and i hate this so much. i know where this comes from in childhood.

how do i not be so sensitive and feel like i’m transforming into a bull when this happens? i feel a drop in my chest and like im going to shit myself.

on the outside i’m like “i’m fine:-) this is great.” but internally i am dying.

I just started smoking up and I've had bpd for about 8 years. I want to know how this has worked out for people before.

Please tell me what your experience with Marijuana as a person with bpd has been like?

i snap into a fucking episode and split on my fp and my episodes give me really suicidal urges if i’m not careful i attempt suicide holy shit i’m so scared i don’t know what to do these normally end in me attempting and i don’t want to