Hi! I have diagnosed autism and ocd, but recently have been considering a bpd assessment from my psychiatrist.

I notice that I have a Crippling Fear of abandonment from other people, to the point where i will attempt to end friendships or connections with people as I would rather cut them off then have the constant anxiety.

Whenever I make a new friends I am all or nothing, I will check my phone every minute to see if they have replied and get incredibly aggitated when they talk to other people... to the point of constantly switching between them being my favourite person and absolutely hating them.

I constantly have episodes in friendships where I will self harm if they treat me negatively, then send hundreds of word emails to them ending our friendship.

I have many of the non relationship bpd indicators, like a lack of self identity, incredibly impulsive, self harm behaviour (cutting and alcohol abuse), a Crippling emptiness, and rapid mood swings.

If this sounds similar to anyone else's experiences I would love to hear from you! Cheers gang 🤓

What is the relationship between borderline disorder and sexual life in a relationship? Is sexual desire unstable and discontinuous?

Hey, i am in love with somebody who has a B. Can somebody explain me why true love triggers him, why push&pull? And what is excatlly splitting?

hello guys, currently I'm an emotional wrack. I'm seeing someone for a month now. Actually I'm very into him but every small thing he says and I don't like it, I fucking freak out at him and spam him with mean texts after our date. I wondered myself and he asked me the question if I'm self sabotaging because when I'm with him, everything seems harmonical. So I reflected (dated a lot this year) and I figured I kinda hate every guy I have had sex with more than once. I kinda hate guys after sex and I have an episode where I think I'm definitely in the right and deserve an apologize and better treatment. Anyone else like this here?

I have been dealing with paranoia and psychosis. I can be talked out of stuff but it’s reoccurring. Lately some of the more metaphysical stuff feels really ridiculous even when I spook myself and I am just like “my brain is playing tricks on me”.

I can laugh at it. I could laugh at it even when I felt certain it was happening because even though it felt real or possible I really don’t want it to be? It was SO ridiculous. There is some safety in the certainty it gave me in a cosmic sense but day to day was a waking nightmare.

Each week I feel a little bit better, little bit better. I’m still triggered at times and can’t keep up with myself or even know what I’m thinking half the time, but I can see myself sometimes through the bullshit. It’s rarer than people might think and it’s rarer than I like.

Something small happened today that I didn’t reassurance seek for because I don’t want people to overreact to what is likely paranoia and paranoid delusion. My gut says it was a warning. But my gut has been wrong a lot before and I feel like reassurance seeking might cause too much trouble. The nature of things I’ve likely hallucinated before has been ridiculous and over the top mostly. I’m ok being like “that’s a hallucination and it doesn’t hurt me to think that”.

I have a few people at work I’m trying (trying) to give space because I don’t want to overwhelm them. I feel comfortable with them. The trust was there instantly. I’m sort of resistant to my trust in one case and in others I’m still prone to paranoia and thinking they hate me but like, I feel sure if I’m not overreacting I’m safe with them and I don’t have anything to worry about anyway—but I just don’t know if I am overreacting. I don’t know. I shouldn’t take it seriously. I shouldn’t jump at shadows. And it’s like, my gut is SO WRONG SO OFTEN.

I feel like a kid too much. In some cases I’m older than my coworkers but I still need them to tell me what’s real and what’s not sometimes. I’m a crazy old lady. I shouldn’t be having these problems.

I always feel bad. I am a bad friend, a bad daughter, a bad sister, a bad person. I feel guilt and shame always- no matter what I do. I feel bad for feeling bad and I feel bad for feeling sad. I feel bad because I don't want to share how terribly miserable I am but I feel guilty for keeping it from those I love. I lash out over petty small shit because I am horribly depressed, and then I beat myself up and cry out of guilt. I just feel bad. All the time. I wish I could be normal. I mourn the woman I could be without this mentall illness that pollutes my soul and infects those around me with my misery. I just want to be happy. I want to stop feeling bad.

can anybody upload daniel's bpd card deck online?

How do I change who I am? I have an amazing life, right? I have two beautiful kids, I have an amazing husband, I have an amazing uncle, I have an amazing best friend, but why isn’t it enough? Why do I still want to die? I feel like I’m never enough. I’m never pretty enough, I’m always fucking everything up, I’m not a good wife, I’m not a good mother, I’m not a good friend, I’m not a good niece, I’m not someone that you can count on. I don’t eat, I don’t take care of myself… I pretend to just enough so nobody asks questions, but it’s never for me, it’s always for them.. People tell me they love me, they do things for me, etc and all I can do is think that they’re lying to me.

Why can’t I trust the people that have given me every reason to? The people that I do trust, most of the time, until I get into my head and I don’t trust anyone. I feel like everyone is lying to me, like everyone is just telling me what I want to hear so I’m not more of a burden to them. Why can’t I just be fucking happy, man? I have a GOOD life, but I always fuck something up and spiral over shit that isn’t even a thing. What is wrong with me? How do I fix me? I don’t want to lose the people that I care about, I can’t lose anyone else.

But on the slip side of this;

Why do I also find myself giving up my beliefs, my goals, everything to make anyone happy, to make sure that everyone I love is set with everything they need, before I kill myself? I didn’t think I had any plans to do so, until I was up one night talking to my husband and it clicked. I’m just making everyone happy so that I can leave them while they’re happy, so I know that they have everything the need, they’re in good mindsets. Everyone would be better off without me, I wouldn’t be a burden to anyone anymore. I wouldn’t hurt anyone anymore. I wouldn’t make the people I love miserable by how many emotions I have. Everything would be better for them if I just didn’t exist. I did my job, I had two beautiful children and I raised them the best I could, but I feel like I’m always holding them back because of my depression. I feel like if they had any other mother, they’d be happier too. I don’t deserve any of the people I have in my life.

So I guess my question is, can I change who I am? Can I be better? Or is it all just pointless?

I moved back in with my mom today after living alone for 2 years. I let my life get completely out of control, lost my job and just couldn’t afford my place anymore. I’m here and I’m feeling anxious and sad and I don’t like this feeling. My parents are finally going to get me some proper help for this but I’m waiting on my insurance to get approved. I’m at rock bottom so it’s only upwards from here, right?

Also does anyone have recommendations for outpatient treatment centers in NY? Or should I really consider inpatient?

there is something magical about eating a snack half death on your bed

I’m a DSP and I end up lifting people regardless of mechanical equipment we have. My feet and back are done for, but I get yelled at and called lazy for being in too much pain after work to do heavy lifting. (Yes no men in the family) How can I negotiate to let my family know heavy labor is something I just can’t do too much

I (35m) don’t know how I’m going to survive. I have a constant fear that I’m going to be homeless in the future and that I’ll probably wind up killing myself. The only reason I’m not homeless or dead is because my mom pays a large chunk of my financials. That in and of itself is terribly embarrassing and fills me with guilt. I’m unable to hold jobs for long, and the only reason I’m employed is because it’s a part time job where I work from home. I make less than 20k a year at 35 years old in the USA. That’s fucking terrible… embarrassing and sad.

No friends. I haven’t dated or tried to date in the past 6 years. I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to date a guy like this in his mid 30s.

I don’t know what I’m going to do… only recently diagnosed with BPD and am in therapy.

I don’t see how living in the future would be worth it. (I’m not suicidal now. Just utterly depressed all the time).

I'm 23f literally so depressed that this might not make sense. You can read my other posts to sort of catch up because I don't have the energy to explain every detail. I have cerebral palsy, I'm in a wheelchair, use a communication device and need to be fed. September I met with my doctor by myself which was already a huge problem with my mom. I wanted to tell her the true reasons I'm so depressed which she gave me effexor. I've tried a few medications in the past but never stayed on for a good while because the side effects but today I realized I just wasn't ready to be on medicine. A couple of weeks it will be a year anniversary of my attempt and everything feels the same or maybe worse. I normally go the natural route but when I saw the doctor, I was just desperate for something stronger. At the time my dad was still living at home and I didn't know but he ordered ayahuasca drops for me to try. I've taken mushrooms a few times and they did wonders so we're very open to natural psychedelics. If I knew he bought it, I wouldn't have asked for medicine. Well my mom started looking up effexor up and it didn't help she was already angry that she wasn't in the room when my doctor prescribed it, but she was getting angrier because she was reading all the horror stories which she thinks this is the medicine ever and am I even reading anything. Like yes I'm reading stuff and it isn't that bad. Well I decided to try the aya drops. They did help a good bit but with everything going on, my BPD and depression got worse. During an episode a few weeks a go where I said I'm fighting not to kill myself every minute, even my dad told her maybe I need my medicine and to stop the aya. After that he did some research and ayahuasca can worsen BPD and learned about BPD himself which I'm sure my mom hasn't done and I've been DX since February. So I'm just rawdogging it and every time I have an outward episode, I'm like give me my medicine and she said I haven't done research and blahblah. The thing is when we fight, she says 25 things at once and it takes me a minute to type something, so when I'm trying to say I've done hours of research and it doesn't seem terrible and I WILL give this a good try, she's on something totally different that triggers me in another way. Like you know I can't talk what's different now? The other thing is I'm in animation school and I dropped class because a few weeks ago I was in the hospital over the weekend for pneumonia and I couldn't keep up with being both sick and utterly depressed and suicidal. Back when I was on medicine, I did really good in school but since I stopped I just struggle so much. January starts the winter term and I want to start but if I'm not better I don't want to waste the money. I see my doctor in January and I don't want to even think what my mom excuse is going to be when she asks how the medicine is doing.

I just want my fucking medicine

I spent the last seven months talking to this girl online and we got into a relationship. i thought she actually cared about me, she was there for me during bad episodes and me relapsing on sh.

We finally went on a date a few weeks ago and it was going well until she forced herself on me in a changing room, she made me suck her dick and then raped me i didn’t realise at the time but i told her to stop and she didn’t so now that i’m not blinded by the thought of someone loving me that’s what happened. What’s even worse now is we just kept on going with the date, we went to a fucking mcdonalds and a train museum and she acted like nothing happened like she hadn’t just done something that’s going to end up as severe trauma.

After the date she started barely even talking to me and then just blocked my number and now a few days later i realised what she did, i feel like i’ve just been used and thrown away with no regard. I poured everything into her for this to be what i got, i feel like such an idiot for even letting her do anything like that im so disgusted with myself. My first kiss and my virginity are gone because i let myself get fooled, i don’t even know what to feel wether i want to cry or be mad it’s all just so confusing and it hurts so much that someone i thought actually loved me did this.

I get no one probably cares enough to read this far but i just want to say i will probably be okay i’ve just been thinking about this nonstop today and have feeling absolutely terrible so i needed to get this all off my chest, if anyone has any advice to get my mind off this or move past it they would be greatly appreciated.

Most recent one which is a buzzword people like to use I guess “Clocked” if it’s in an argument obviously if it’s in a different context fine but like “CLOCKED” drives me insane and I don’t know why it makes me so angry maybe because it’s brainrotty idk especially if there’s nothing to clock and they say it over and over again like I’m defending myself “clockedddd” “clockeddd” acting like they’ve just proved me to be wrong with no evidence and then other people join in “clockeddd” not neccasserily because they believe I’m in the wrong but because everyone else is saying clicked like ugh that kind of thing makes my blood boil and if I’m trying to keep my anger issues under control that’s the kind of thing that makes me crash out

And like “Hit a nerve?” Especially if I’m not even showing it upset me or it clearly didn’t. Or I’m not showing it. Or if you defend yourself when you’re in the right and they are like “you’re being defensive you’re obviously lying” LIKE? Of course I’m defending myself. If I don’t respond it’s the same it’s like “see you aren’t even defending yourself” SHUT UP.

Or I HATE it when they play dumb. Like you show proof you’re in the right or you call them out or you word something a little wrong but it still makes sense and they act like they don’t know what you mean. Or you even say something that makes perfect sense and they twist it acting like they think you meant something else. There’s other things like that which trigger me I can’t think of specifically right now. But yeah I try my best to stay calm and I can until they do stupid shit like that and I LOSE IT. Like I can’t even control it those kind of things just like FLIP a switch inside of me and even if I try to stop myself I like black out. Even if I was calm. I go from calm to word vomit screaming the worst possible thing I can say.

They told me they weren't made at me, and I'm not thinking about you at all, and it messed with me. Now I'm mad at them, and I'm upset that I even care so much.

I’ve moved more times than anyone I know. Have lived in the city, suburbs, more remote areas—but I never feel at home. I still dream I’m in my childhood home after 35 years away. (My parents bought it for 25k in the 1970s and now it’s more than 2M, so I truly can never go home, something I’d always entertained in the back of my head.) Is it common with borderline to never feel settled like this? I’m about to move again and know the battle I will face with myself about where to go, as my mind completely changes from one minute to the next.

So I'm the one with the BPD diagnosis, but my ex says he also has it. Then again he also says he's just a subconscious emotional mirror to others, so for all I know he just mirrored my diagnosis. But he does have a past that would breed the disorder, so I'm not saying he's wrong. Anyway he's been going around making all these apologies that don't really make sense for his offenses. One of his friends (now former I believe?) reached out to me and she kinda hit the nail on the head when she said he needed to apologize for being an emotional vampire. And it totally makes sense. That's really why I appeared to rely on my narcissistic tendencies during that relationship I think. Like he was emotionally babied by myself and his other partner (we're poly) and constantly given reassurance and attention and everything, but he didn't offer the same in return when he made mistakes that hurt his partners. Instead he'd just be upset that no one was offering him comfort and support, even when we were. It was weird to reread my conversations with my other partner around that time and recognize the timeline of events from a less emotionally charged point of view. Looking back I think he may have gone through splitting behavior with me when I called him out for his bad decisions and made him feel judged. Just before that (when I started a relationship with a new woman, and the relationship went badly) is when he started treating me differently by slowly emotionally ignoring me more and more but still expecting the same level of dedication to my own growth out of me while he floundered and stubbornly refused to grow outside of his ego. Looking back I can tell you where everything went wrong and how with a lot of clarity now that my meds have changed and I'm not in a state of psychosis. What I can't understand is why he felt like that was how you treat a partner after there's a fracture in your relationship. It's a shame he didn't know how to love me. We could have been great friends in the end had he grown at all from his mistakes rather than run from his emotional responsibility.

I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or just straight up venting but, I got ghosted by my FP 6 weeks ago and I’m falling apart over it. I’m balling my eyes out everyday which is affecting my work life because I get so in my head. I can’t clean my house, and for an example I can’t even put the sheets I washed on my bed, so I’ve been sleeping on my couch for the past idk, almost two weeks? My friends are distant from me, I don’t have a support system, and it seems as though my job is becoming less sympathetic to me. All I have are my cats and my spirituality from my witchcraft practices. Sometimes I’m able to do things. I have a tree and I started making my own ornaments. I try to force myself to draw and sometimes it does come into fruition, but most of the time.. it’s a nice idea. I’ve been overspending, forcing myself to cook, and trying so hard to occupy my mind with tv in general so I’m not just starting at the wall. The reason he ghosted me is my fault, I was rude and inconsiderate, but I don’t believe that it was bad enough to be treated like this. Everything was going really well and smooth and it was nice and romantic and then all of a sudden I said what I said and it’s over? Really ? Almost two weeks ago, I gave him a real clear headed apology about what happened, about my “crazy girl” texting, and so on. He actually responded, saying that he would talk to me the next day. Then the next day came and he pushed it off to the next. Then the next, and the next, and then.. he finally just ghosts me again. 95% of people I talk to about it are just like “oh just let it go, he’s a jackass” and I can’t. I just can’t do it. Something is saying he’ll come back, because he’s ghosted me before and then was right back on my doorstep. I’m asked if I want to live like this, this pattern of ghosting me and then coming back, and of course I don’t but I also just don’t want to lose him. I’ve never felt the way he makes me feel on a good day. I don’t know what else to say really, I’m just at a loss. I texted him yesterday explaining how his behavior is affecting me and of course I didn’t get a text back but geez, like, he has to realize that he put me in such a deep depression that my psychiatrist is upping my meds and wants to see me again at the end of the month to check in. But yeah, ghosted.

Hi guys, recently I just fell in a trap of hell, I cannot look at myself, every-time I see myself in the mirror I start having a crisis or crying like crazy and throwing stuff, I just analyze hours long the bad things at myself and I just see myself as the ugliest women in the word, I always compare myself with exes from my partner or random females from social media, I had estetic surgery, and different estetic procedures to make myself feels better but always need more and more because I always get back to the low self esteem. I tried not thinking about that anymore but I cant everyday it s a battle and a struggle, it hurts like my body burns I hate myself from all my heart and wish didnt exist. I m the only one in this world having this symptom from my Bpd, how do yall cope with that. Any advice or therapy idea how to get rid of those exhausting emotions and thoughts?

So many people I see say that high school was the worst for them, but honestly I enjoyed nouns teen way better than being an adult. My late teen years more so like 16-18. Being an adult I feel like is: lonely, boring, annoying, and my BOD symptoms are way worse now than they were a decade ago. I also hate the way my body looks/ feels as an adult.

I’m trying to compare if I’m normal or too clingy? I need to know where he is and what he’s doing 24/7 and if he’s around I need to be ONTOP or UNDER his shirt or SUPER close to him. Always touching him (holding hands etc)

I physically cannot do it but there’s a chance I need to. I am either being really paranoid over nothing or I’m being used and manipulated. I don’t know how I could possibly figure out which one it is and I don’t think I’ll ever know. I’m convinced my bf is still in love with his ex. He says he doesn’t ever think about her, but he was still attached to her when we started dating and I think he is under exaggerating that attachment. Every time he is upset I assume it’s about her and I could be wrong but for some reason I just can’t shake the feeling and I think it would be in both of our best interests to break up but I can’t do it because if I’m wrong then our relationship is perfect and I’m just insane. But if I’m right then I would want to absolutely destroy this man. But I don’t want to risk doing that in case I’m just paranoid which I might be but I just can’t get an answer because you can’t really prove a negative.

i hung up on a customer a few days ago because she cant stop yelling at me as if it was my fault her order didn't get delivered 🙄 and i was already working overtime and was in a hurry because i was running late because i had to go to the airport. im probably going to get fired tomorrow idc anymore atleast ill be on vacation for the holidays and since i hate this job so much and have been planning on resigning this month. i can finally take a break and go paint the walls in my bedroom. i just hope i find another job next month. it's a well paying job but i need a better paying job for my shopping addiction honestly lol and i most likely wont be seeing my therapist anytime soon too bad it wasnt very helpful anyway. im kinda sad though because i wanted to buy more clothes now this is going to put a stop to my shopping addiction i guess that's like free therapy okay whatever

I'm stressing myself out wondering If I know what love feels like. I fall for almost every person that give me the time of the day. I think I love my girlfriend. But I don't know. We are taking a break. It was extremely hard at first but now it doesn't effect me much. Do I want to date her, or am I just afraid of being alone? I don't know if I'm in love or the idea of being all by myself scared me so much. Id rather spend my life with someone who hates me then be all alone. This is so stressful. I want to love my girlfriend.

its like my mind keeps tortuing me every single day like literally and everyone ive talked to about it thinks that im exaggerating. and i absolutely fucking despise quiet bpd and what the fuck did i even do to deserve it??? i just dont wanna keep going if thats how my lifes gonna be and no im not strong i feel like im the opposite like i let all the abuse get to me and thats the result of it and now i just have tk deal with it???? im just ao tired:( i just sant it all to stop

So I [21F] love my girlfriend, more than anything and I’m sure you’re aware of how strong bpd love can be. But she has a habit of if we have a disagreement, even a small one, she will walk out the room. I find it incredibly hard to deal with, and straight away go into flight or fight, and tell her to leave, which I know is awful and I resent myself for doing it, and I have apologised in the past.

We had a conversation about her leaving the room and she said she’d stop, however this time she hung up the phone instead and the same reaction occurred. I flipped out and said it wasn’t going to work, she didn’t accept that as an answer, which I’m secretly thankful for. However, even though I know I want to fix it, I can’t reach out. I want to, and I try but then when I get blunt responses I back off again, like I’m too scared to keep going. It feels like walking on hot coals, and I jump off too quick.

How do you get past that flight response when trying to fix things, because I find my biggest struggle with my BPD is that it’s like I’m watching myself be self destructive, and I don’t want to, but I can’t stop; like as soon as I say something I regret it but I can’t get to the point of saying ‘ I didn’t mean that’ or ‘ I shouldn’t of said that.’

Any advice helps, thank you <3

(not sure whether mentions of other disorders and comorbidities are welcome here, please lmk if its not, i dont wanna bother anyone)

(DID - dissociative identity disorder, OSDD/PDID - other specified dissociative disorder 1 / partial DID)

we have DID and technically BPD, but many of the everyday life functional alters dont present many, if any BPD symptoms nowdays, allthough they used to when we were still in the abusive situation. some alters, who because of it front really rarely, have really severe BPD symptoms though

if any of you have both DID/OSDD1/PDID and BPD, or suspect to have them (no judgement, answers still very welcome), and feel comfortable telling us, how does the BPD present along with the dissociative disorder?

whats your experience with the symptoms you get mixed with the dissociative patterns? and do the bpd dissociative symptoms and mood symptoms overlap with the alters in some ways?

Yeah no like always I was right to be worried when shit was going the way it should. I allowed myself for just a second to believe I actually deserved good things. I always gaslight myself into thinking I’m crazy and that my first judgements aren’t correct. People are cruel and vindictive and I’m just tired of letting it happen and still trying to be a good person. Getting that BPD urge to just really ruin it all further. A near decade off substances but what has it really gotten me other than the intense desire to be numb and a whole lot more trauma. Anyway I might dirty delete this but needed to vent somewhere where someone might understand.