I don’t usually post on here, but I’m having a really bad time with SI lately.

I started meds just over 2 years ago and they’ve been really effective until the past few months. I’ve talked to my psychiatrist and she’s insinuating I’m treatment resistant.

What’s more troubling is that my passive SI as become “too” passive. By that I mean, it’s felt now as if I’m “accepting” that harm to myself will be the way I go.

Any time I have a bad feeling or something hurtful happens I don’t overreact but rather take it as a “confirmation” of my fate like this is just a step towards it, making it make sense. This feels scarier than my typical SI and SH.

I’m wondering if anyone else has experience with this “acceptance” or felt such an “inevitability” for themselves. Any thoughts would be useful. I just feel very alienated.

Can somebody please help me I just started lithium three weeks ago and I’m at dose 600 mg and I want to come off of it I don’t like it it’s making my skin feel numb. I’m getting the shakes internally. My fingers are peeling I don’t like it I want to off of it please help me. Do I need to taper off or can I just stop cold turkey I know I need to ask the doctor but I won’t see anybody until possibly Monday I’m freaking out I don’t like this at all. I can’t feel anything.

I am currently a mostly stay at home mom M-F but on the weekends I work at a residential care facility for those who have severe mental illness, mostly schizophrenia. I am diagnosed BP2 and I did not take this job on a manic whim. If anything I am stable leaning more depressive. But my daughter will start school soon after this summer and I am scared. I only work the weekends. And then M-F I will be home alone while she is in school. I am scared to death of having this time alone. I am not happy in my current weekend career either. I feel like a complete imposter. What should I do?

I was on Abilify a few months ago. I noticed that my anxiety was amplified and I always felt agitated like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. It made me more quick to anger. I was also more paranoid and thought everyone was out to get me. I was also more obsessive about things or people. I know it’s supposed to have the opposite effects but for me it didn’t work. It even cost me a dear friendship. What are your experiences?

I was on Latuda 20mg for half the year and I was getting dizziness and a hard time breathing. Had to be put on cogentin to stop the akathisia. And now I’m on nothing and see my doctor on Monday to talk about a new plan. What should I consider as options? I’m most worried about weight gain, thyroid issues, and hair loss.

Thirty years as an IT professional and now I’m doomed. I lost my job more than eight months ago. I still have a limited savings but now my rent is be8ng jacked two hundred dollars and I can’t make that work.

So despite bipolar seriously affecting my professional abilities (e.g. dealing with indifferent mgm’t & unclear directives), I am likely headed to either living in my small Jeep or homeless in some dangerous city block.

And no one cares. That’s really the hard part. Not even anyone sick because they’ve got their own problems. No significant other and my family is all dead. I think I’ve run out of the energy to fight it anymore. Humans have ruined this planet & its society.

And no one cares.

I know this is a strange post but I need help putting it into words. Lithium is helping a lot but I don’t know how to describe it. Can someone help me out? My family wants to understand but I’m doing an awful job at explaining it

I’m currently saving for a private psychiatrist I normally see public but normally have had bad experiences I’ll be seeing a private one soon hopefully so I can discuss these options of medication I can change to so please recommend no weight gain weight neutral meds 🙏🏽

“Malaizy”

When you’re depressed and lazy.

I told him that was freaking great and thought I’d share it with you all.

I feel vulnerable a bit but I feel like you guys would understand I really struggle with showering everyday & sleeping on time. any tips or advice is much appreciated, thanks

I am having a very rough time, im trying to laugh my way through it, but ive been depressed for months now. I am in therapy and on meds. I cant escape the feeling that I am unwelcome everywhere. Im sorry if i made anyone mad. I dont know how to fix it if i dont know how i made anybody mad.

I've been on medication for months and it hasn't changed anything. I'm on 275mg Lamotrigine and 50g Seroquel. I don't know if I'm supposed to notice a difference or not but it's not working. For the Lamotrigine, my psychiatrist is increasing the dosage and it's got to the point where she asks each time if I'm noticing a difference. It makes me wonder if I'm supposed to be feeling something but I'm not. I'm getting closer to 300 which I hear is usually good enough to work but still nothing.

I have exams on Monday and I can't do this. My eyes are heavy and I have no energy or motivation. This fucking disease is going to ruin my future. I don't see the point in anything anymore. I'm so done with life. God is a prick for giving me this illness. if this continues I'm certain I'm gonna end up killing myself before 30 because I've been getting closer and closer every year.

I just need to say this because I have no one else to talk

I was asked to be the new chargehand at work a few days ago. I thought about it and said yes with a few 'buts' thrown in there, some of which were granted.

I'm already dealing with some symptoms of both hypomania and depression right now and I don't feel well. I just took two weeks off hoping to get better but I'm not. I'm worried about things getting worse as I have had full blown mania before and my depressions can be crippling. I am medicated.

It'll be extra money but more hours and more stress. The boss of the department I'm in isn't a nice person, but the shift boss is a decent guy so I'll have some support from management. But I don't know if this is a good idea now.

Has anyone else taken on a chargehand/Forman/boss role? Were you fine or did it make things worse?

I don't want to say no now since I've commited to it but I'm very on the fence. Any advice welcome!

It’s been a year since I had a manic episode and broke up my 10 year long relationship

In doing so I lost basically all of my friends and I got fired from my job

I’ve been sitting alone for a year with no job no friends and no happiness

How can I stop the self hate from making poor choices a year ago?

The guilt and self anger is really bad today

I miss the life I had and it feels really scary how indefinite the suffering feels

Hi, I quit Olanzapine 15 days ago. At day 9 I started to hallucinate for 1 hour, but I was up 20 hours that day due to work.

The hallucinations were gone next day, although since then I keep seeing random (cartoonish haha) "flashy" images, transparant and only for 0.5 second.

I had a meeting yesterday with the nurse but didnt mention this part to not raise alarms.

Could these be rebound psychosis symptoms and will evade after some time?

I am still on Lithium 800mg

I have been on lithium for 2 weeks, I had a blood test a few days ago and as I was below the effective dosage, my psychiatrist increased the dosage today, from 400mg to 800. I had no side effects. So I just took two 400mg but suddenly I feel strange, I feel nauseous, I'm shaking and I feel dizzy, it's very uncomfortable like I'm sick. Are these normal side effects or should I be concerned? My doctor told me about lithium toxicity so I don't know if/when I should be worried

So you can track the bipolar in my family. It started with my paternal grandma (and maybe further back but I’m unsure), my dad was diagnosed but ignored it, then me. I never really thought much about my dad being bipolar.

My dad was also addicted to meth but he never really acted like a stereotypical methhead. I highly suspect he was using it to self medicate.

Anyways, his behavior always followed the same pattern and I always associated it with the drugs, which I’m sure played a role, but I’m realizing it was probably mostly bipolar influencing the behavior.

He would go through periods were he was UP. He would stay awake all night, clean EVERYTHING (he never cleaned outside of this), he would buy me a ton of stuff despite not having a lot of money, he would get all these new ideas, he would talk nonstop. I assumed he was just high, which he probably was, but I think the drugs were inducing mania in him.

Then he would sleep for WEEKS. I would barely see him for weeks on end. His mood would get really low and sometimes suicidal. I distinctly remember trying to tell him how depressed I was when I was 13, he was in one of these episodes, and he said “Fuck it let’s just all kill ourselves then”. I thought he was coming down but now I realize these were likely his depressive episodes.

My dad is dead so I can’t talk to him about this realization but it all makes sense now. I feel awful that he struggled so much in his life. I realize I didn’t paint him in the best light here, but despite his struggles, he did try really hard to be a good dad and succeeded most of the time.

In my family, we have a “our last name” curse. My grandma said she had it, my dad said he had it, they said I had it. The curse was essentially bad shit happening to you throughout your life. I’m realizing, there is no curse, it’s just bipolar disorder.

Edit to add: I wasn’t diagnosed with bipolar until adulthood but I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder when I was 11. When I was, my dad sat me down and basically said something along the lines of “Don’t let this fuck your life up.” I’m realizing the poor guy was speaking from experience. I have one child and won’t have more, I’m hoping the curse ends with me.

I’m on lithium and last week I spent over an hour with her just to get my blood results from the lab. I talked about my previous work with Arts and had a blast. Same will happen this week. I said to myself why not make a small contribution of seeing you guys if you have any questions I’d ask her.. I’m not here replacing your own doctor or psychiatrist but some questions can be answered I think without your whole medical history I guess?

It’s not helpful to me anymore. Idk if medicinal is the way to go? Maybe that’s just me not wanting to quit altogether? Any advice? Thanks in advance 😊

Hi.

Getting vulnerable on here. I was rejected by a crush I had on a guy that was with someone else when I asked him out for a tea and a walk in the park back in late February. I had a crush on him since the first day I saw him at a real shitty management job I had at a “Healthfood” store and felt something I hadn’t felt in a very long time. This was June 2022. A deep, instant attraction. To me, he was and still is the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen but I wanted to get to know him and see where it went. Due to us meeting at my job, he was a customer and I was employed so I had to keep it professional and the last thing I want to do is make someone feel uncomfortable. Especially someone I’m interested in. Maybe I misread it but I thought there was a mutual attraction there. I began dating an ex and thought “oh good I’m in a committed relationship this will pass”. Over time, my ex starting showing me who he is and how he felt about me and my fantasies took over me to the point where I was constantly thinking about him…but because I was in a relationship and with my past cheating history (this was in my 20s and I’m 40 I haven’t done it since) I remained faithful and committed to him because I did love him (my ex)…but ultimately we broke it off in mid July of last year. I did message my crush a few times on social media just to say hi and I remembered him and I admired his work (he’s a tattoo artist and business owner) and he was always very nice about it. I tried to swipe right on Bumble but with the thought of him rejecting me, I ended up deleting the app.

Then a few weeks later he friend requested me on social media and I dropped my phone. I messaged him very lightly and even liked a few of his pics of his work but I kept it respectful and light. This was September. Keep in mind, with my illnesses, I’m a divorced single mom trying to get out of debt and had to move back in with parents due to not being able to find a steady job (I’ve been let go twice and I’ve been working since 16 and a factory job last year I ran out of due to a panic attack plus moving back in with my family due to hastily jumping into “blended family mode” with my current ex which when my landlord kicked me out of our place after I told him to hold off on the move out date, I asked him about us moving in together and he said “I don’t know” within six weeks he was gone because I felt abandoned) I did not feel adequate enough to ask my crush out.

Finally, in February I was in a play and I paid off my car note (one debt down, two to go) I thanked my crush for the tattoo I got from him a month before and I figured “it’s now or never”. I asked him out and he told me he was seeing someone since the fall and they are “healing together” and I responded with a “fair enough” and wished him nothing but the best. Six days later, I decided with that info and for my mental health to just unfriend him and move on…then I noticed myself posting even more hoping that he would notice even after all I did (spoiler he didn’t). And with that, 5 weeks later I scrubbed my FB, Insta and Tik Tok altogether. This was mid April.

I’m back in therapy and while I’m aware that I’m in a limerance state and haven’t had any contact with him since February when I asked him out, I cannot stop thinking about him. Even missing him, even though I barely knew him. I was also realistic about the possibility of he could reject me ( and he did and that’s his right.) and I’m not angry with him, but the deep disappointment for feeling like I never really had a chance with someone that really struck me for a long time. After this LONG ASS RANT, how do you deal with rejection in a healthy manner? I really wanna let this go and maybe one day, I’ll be ready to date but with my 20 year toxic relationships history and my codependency, I know I have a lot to work on. I just don’t want to want this person anymore. It’s May and I’m still not over it! I’m even dreaming about him and slowly detaching but I haven’t felt this devastated since my divorce in 2018. I’m lonely but I know I need to heal. It hurts my heart so much? What do I do? I feel too abnormal to love and be loved.

Sincerely,

A loser

(Note: I've added this here and to the Bipolar sub, just to see if I can maximize getting the perspectives of others.)

I’m finding myself on a very strange journey. I was recently diagnosed with focal epilepsy, after 20 years of having seizures, and prescribed Lamictal.

I’m on day 9 of the med and the last week or so has been a very strange ride. The way I have described it countless times at this point is that it’s like having someone running through my mind flipping on light switches. I am remembering things I haven’t though about since I was a kid/teen, it’s bringing up a lot of emotions, and in a way that I am unable to fully understand or describe, it’s changed a bit of how I perceive my own day to day life. I’ve also gleaned that these particular experiences will level out or stop.

A close friend of mine is diagnosed Bipolar II. My brother is Bipolar I. They have both, separately, told me that I need consider that I may be bipolar. My immediate reaction is No. I am not bipolar. Just because a medication makes me feel a specific way at the start, when the full effects aren’t experienced until much further down the line at a higher dose, does not somehow indicate that I am bipolar.

All of that said, part of the odd side effect of feeling like my memories are more lit up that I’ve experienced in years, is the effect of really contemplating my mental heal through being a kid to a nearly 40 year old adult. I grew up poor, my mother suffered from mental illness and anger issues, my parents fought all the time (I recall wishing they would get divorced when I was a kid), as a teen I became depressed, but also very angry myself. I took steps as I got into adulthood to remove myself from my past and ensure my success. In a lot of ways, I have done better than anyone in the history of my family. In other ways, I know there are still demons I can’t chase away.

In recalling my childhood, I absolutely remember experiencing hypomania. Between middle school and high school, it was absolutely there. I remember getting really wound up at night and doing all sorts of weird things in my room. I recall one night where I took a white t-shirt and scrawled these arrogant lyrics on the back, and then cutting the t-shirt down the center and wearing it over a band tee. I remember often getting really wound up and making a plan for myself, writing everything out; This was how I was going to succeed and get to where I wanted to be in life! My bursts of energy would typically revolve around being better for myself or becoming better than those around me. Rising above them, in an egotistical way. Of course, you get on the path and a few days later realize that it’s not quite so easy and head right back to a slump. There are so many of these occurrences in my life.

The description of hypomania in relation to alcohol is something I have absolutely experienced. Alcohol winds me up and I could drink until I pass out. In addition to this is hypersexual behavior. This occurs with or without alcohol, but alcohol certainly make things and related decisions much worse.

I question the potential that I might be bipolar, because I know so many have symptoms that are well worse than mine. If bipolar exists on a spectrum, then I would think my moving back and forth between a state of depression and a state of hypomania would be less severe. With some of the experiences I’ve read here I think, “Ok, well I’ve never done anything as bad as that.”, but then again, I don’t know.

I have always had a temper and it seems to come in cycles. I would say that the last 7-8 years of my life, I don’t know that I have experienced the swings quite like I did when I was younger. I’m not sure if having the same job, kids, etc. would impact my perspective on it or any other potential bipolar symptom. I managed to get my degree and keep a 3.9 GPA. Knowing myself, it seems like if I was truly bipolar that would have been impacted.

At one point I was on Lexapro and Xanax. I finally weaned myself off of Lexapro due to sexual side effects. I’ve been in therapy for 4 years.

I’m just looking for thoughts, advice, experiences of others. This whole thing is weird. My mental health has always been an issue, but it’s also always been an elusive thing for me to make sense of. Am I depressed? Anxious? Bipolar? Do I just have anger issues? Am I just trying to fill a void somewhere by having multiple sexual encounters?

Why do our brains seem to want to kill us?

I like work. I don’t mind it. I’ve been told at past jobs, I’m a good worker. I enjoy being productive. I think work helps with that. I’m just happier about knowing I did something that day.

Work is also movement. I feel like that’s great for me, because being depressed or froze. In fear is the opposite of that. Plus, other health benefits like circulation and keeping weight gain at bay (even if it’s just by a bit).

Social interaction is there too. I really benefit from forcing myself into social situations. It’s scary, because I have what can be described as severe social anxiety. But, being around others is awesome. And it helps bring me out of my own thoughts. Super helpful.

Finally, structure is provided. There’s a schedule and routine that can come with a job and that can help soothe the mind. It alleviates anxiety in some ways. And kinda helps depression too, because it’s easier to do opposite action when you know what you’re getting yourself into.

That being said, I can only afford to work a part time job. It’s finally occurred to me, that’s where my mental capability is at this point. And I can’t live life off a part time job that doesn’t necessarily pay high in the first place. And idk if I can tolerate 40 hrs weeks in the first place.

I tried applying to get disability/partial. I was denied. They said my own doctors were the reason why. I’m not sure how to feel about that. I kinda feel screwed.

I like working :/

*Cause

So this probably isn’t rational at all. But I don’t have anywhere to rant about this and I wonder if others can relate.

I have bipolar 1 and had one manic episode for weeks wherein I utterly ruined my life and lost everything. But the majority of the time I’m in major depression if I’m not stable. I’m in a fugue state now, so I’m sure that is coloring my worldview.

Anyways. I’ve worked so so so hard to get to where I am now, I am a psych NP and wouldn’t dare disclose my diagnosis and how much I struggle even today because of the repercussions (I could lose my professional licenses.)

But this general with bipolar gave a talk at Grand Rounds at my hospital this week on his book “Bipolar General: My Forever War With Mental Illness” which is all about how he succeeded most of his life (until 8 years ago) with his bipolar and professionals kept saying nothing was wrong with him.

Today a resident I precept was going on and on all about this guy (I was busy seeing clients and didn’t have the luxury of taking the time to see this talk for myself). And I just had to keep biting my tongue because I just wanted to lash out and be like, “I haven’t been able to get myself to stop thinking about suicide for three weeks now despite being adherent to the high dosages of my meds, seeing my MD and therapist all the time, and using so many coping skills. Oh, and ten years ago I was homeless, penniless, kicked out of grad school, estranged from all (but one of) my friends and family-and I still haven’t been able to repair most of those relationships. (It is loneliness that hurts me the most-the only things that work in my life are work and taking care of my dog). So don’t come at me with how amazing this dude is.”

It just feels like over and over again the every day struggle of most people with a diagnosis of bipolar gets written over and ignored because of those rare cases of people who are powerful enough to tell their fairytale experience with bipolar.

(And I do not trust this trainee. So that’s why I didn’t say anything at all.)

End rant.

Anyone else feel like this?

The full quote:

"Vivid images and scenes play out in my mind during times of stress. I learned that recognizing these psychotic hallucinations is the first step toward a psychosis-free life." - Julie Fast (Bphope.com)

Do you think these are hallucinations? I have the same "symptom", but I don't consider them psychosis. Maybe intrusive thoughts? Julie Fast is a major representative of the Bipolar community, but sometimes the stuff she says doesn't seem very accurate, but maybe I am out to lunch?

Would you describe those as hallucinations or even as psychosis?

it is constant uhm uhm guys guys dr lander pls save me pls I HAVE NO DELUSIONS SO IM NOT PSYCHOTOC but WHY AM I HEARING VOUCES???????? WHAT IS HAPPENING ITS CONSTANT ALL DAY ABD UT GETS LOUDER THE KORE NOISE THERE OR PPL UHMMMMMMMMMMMM I DONT UNFERSRAND

I am wondering if anyone is/has been on this combo and can share some anecdotes or words of advice?

Lithium was just added to my treatment regimen and I am a little scared to start it

Help please -uk based-

Age 21 Suspected diagnosis (waiting to get in to nhs mental health)

Bf and family saying I'm in need of doctors because I was never given a new prescription so no meds and trying to explain to them there will be a war or riot (there will be) and that my "friends" hate me and want nothing to do with me but have to stay around. I keep getting angry because they don't get it. Plus all this has happened at my dad's birthday.

Idk what to do. I feel them all saying it wont happen that it must be true? It doesn't feel it through. Pissed off and fed up.

Dark minds / better days

Sia / I’m still here

Rihanna / live your life

Mama Cass / make your own kind of music

Taylor Swift / you’re on your own, kid

Share songs that has meaningful lyrics please