Rules

Hello! Curious as to if anyone else doesn't experience more confidence or esteem when manic- as this is a common symptom. For reference, I have extreme anxiety so the slight grandiosity I do feel is much more than usual, but little to none without mania. This just throws me off because compared to others' manic experiences, they experience this symptom to way greater extents.

Anyone else have something when manic/hypo that actually makes them laugh now? I was convinced i was being haunted by the ghosts of jeff buckley and Amy Winehouse, because one jeff buckley CD (this was about 10-12 years ago) came on my stereo without me turning it on and 2 when i was playing amy winehouse my poster of her came off the wall. I thought they were trying to communicate with me and told everyone i am in cahoots with their ghosts hahah i laugh about it now as at the time i wasn't scared it was like they were friendly ghosts

My family has quit talking to me completely and has requested no contact after an episode during thanksgiving where I got upset at my parents and threw out the turkey for thanksgiving (no clue why I did that).

I’ve never once been physically violent towards anyone. I throw a lemon in the woods once. This last episode was extremely as for some reason my parents but my family on speaker as they all yelled at me to leave and called the police.

My brother and sister said they do not want any more contact with me. My aunts, uncles, cousins won’t even respond to text messages. I’ve tried to talk with my family for over a decade about it but the response is usually you always just always have excuses and for your actions when I’m just seriously trying to talk through what’s going on to try to get help so I can get better.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel alone like no one understands nor cares to. Apologies for my actions and taking ownership doesn’t mean anything as my sister said yesterday when we were picking g our kids up at pre-k she said not hug my so. Again and do not contact me anymore.

I know that my cousin had the same disease but no one will ever talk about it and why she’s dead now after committing suicide. I don’t know what to do when I can’t even have a conversation to try and start the healing. Any advice is welcomed.

I don’t know if someone would read this but I hope someone does. I was diagnosed with bipolar type 1 a year ago after a psychotic episode full of paranoia and hypersexuality. I was put on lithium and I’m taking a high dose but after 6 months it stopped working. My levels are around 0.6 and it makes me mad because I’m taking already a lot of pills and taking more seems like a lot.

Anyway, after 6 months I started feeling paranoid again, drinking a lot and having lots of sex and regretting days afterwards (now I’m on Prep) and this has been happening periodically for some time. Last time I told my psychiatrist she got mad at me and told me it was all my fault because I drank, well, I was hypomanic I wasn’t taking the best decisions, and even not drinking didn’t do it. She didn’t listen and just advised to follow up with next appointment. I promised to never go back to her but now I’m scared of my new psychiatrist and his reaction to my patterns.

Also I’m taking an antipsychotic to sleep (?) and I usually don’t have trouble sleeping but it’s getting too hard for me to wake up it’s getting unbearable. Maybe I do know what to tell him; writing helped a lot, but if you have any advice of experience it would be great. I feel so unheard right now and it’s hard to speak to your loved ones when they worry about you and they think it’s all over again and seeing medication isn’t working. Gosh. I feel I’m disappointing them.

I always think I’m super fun while Hypomanic. I make a ton of friends, many of which have developed into long term friendships. I do a bunch of stuff, am very social, ect. That being said, I also make a bunch of impulsive choices- all the normal sex travel money ect. I’ve had some psychotic manic breaks, which is why I’m not medicated. My partner told me recently that although I may be fun for strangers, it’s not fun for anyone who loves me. It kind of hit me in a way I hadn’t thought about before. I used to grieve the “fun” part of my personality, as it was a big part of how I defined myself. Now I’m not sure it was ever even real. I don’t know why this feels like a minor identity crisis. Just wondering if anyone else has had same experience or insight into this

I was always described as a very bright and intelligent person through all my life. I excelled in school and pretty much any sort of project that was thrown at me. I was put in all advanced placement courses and was put through a “talented and gifted” program from as young as 1st grade. My IQ was tested and it was somewhere in the 140’s at the time. I understand that your IQ is not meant to fluctuate, and I didn’t come here to gloat by any means, but I feel genuinely STUPID the older I get. 

I have cycled through many episodes, especially in my early 20’s and even in more recent years, as I have had issues with my medication. I find myself groping for words that I shouldn’t have any issue with, I am generally slower in responses, my social skills are not near what they used to be, and my compartmentalization of thoughts is not existent. I have trouble problem solving, and I have a harder time even rationalizing my feelings to maintain composure in minute disagreements. It honestly scares the hell out of me to think of what my mind is becoming. 

I honestly don’t know if it’s even the episodes to blame or the psychiatrists who have shoved so many different drugs into my system (particularly the brand new ones that I’m sure drug reps are so graciously peddling into our desperate worlds). I can’t even type this out in good faith that I have not grammatically butchered this post. I feel absolutely damned to an unsettling fate by this illness, and google sure as shit does nothing but affirming my already spiraling fears.. so yeah anyone else feeling like their brain is rotting? 😅

I think it was 2 months ago. Somebody on this subreddit wrote about things they are grateful about being bipolar.

Things like the ability to empathize, being able to feel strongly on emotions and many more.

It really changed my outlook on how to view this struggle and my life has improved with this outlook.

I forgot your name but whoever you are, thank you.

hii, i’ve been really depressed recently lol!

backstory; diagnosed bipolar 2 in early 2021 when i was 17 and was prescribed 100mg seroquel.

for the past nearly 4 years ive been great, but may-august i went thru a lot. major unexpected surgery, lost all my friends, and became at risk for homelessness. since may ive felt extremely numb, and was still carrying on ok, not great, but fine.

until the past two weeks, ive started to fall into a depression. i had become convinced that seroquel was my miracle, and while it does an amazing job at keeping mania away, im starting to feel depressed, anxious, and i honestly have a lot of social anxiety too after losing all my friends. i feel a lot more insecure lately, and just overall shit about myself. the numbness made it hard to cry, but last night i broke down. i feel really alone.

anyways, i have kaiser now after losing medi-cal coverage. haven’t heard the best online about their psych care, but im thinking of trying to get put on an antidepressant in addition to my seroquel? i’ve done some research, and prozac sounds pretty good i think? i also saw lexapro can be good, but has a potential interaction leading to heart rhythm issues.

anyone have any experience with seroquel and prozac? or similar? looking for advice, im really scared of falling into a bad place after being so well for 3 years. ugh. thanks any help is sooo appreciated. i have my first kaiser mental health appointment on friday.

ANYWAYS tldr; seroquel worked fantastic for 3 years, now i feel numb and depressed after enduring back to back trauma this year. would adding an antidepressant be a good idea? prozac?

I’ve been revising my meds and they are not working!

I’ve been down for months which is manageable but I haven’t slept for like two weeks now and I keep getting all these ideas for things I need to do but keep abandoning them. It’s 4am and I just want to relax but I can’t stop thinking of things I need to do.

I’m full of energy but now I’m sat here with nothing to do and I just want to be asleep but I feel like I’ve snorted a gram of Charlie and I’m actually immobile from how much I have to do and sort out.

I need to wind down but I really don’t know how. Is there any ways you know how to calm yourself down without medication?? I’ll go to the drs as soon as they open but for now I’m out of my mind.

My first drunk was at 17. I was dating a boy somewhat older than I at 21, old enough to sign a waiver for my school prom promising he wasn’t a pedophile. He took me to a Halloween party one night. I got a drink from some skeletal bowl filled with blue liquid. By my third drink one of his friends came up to me and advised I slow down. “Why?” I said. “Because that’s filled with adios motherfucker which will get you drunk pretty fast.” After that knowledge, I stopped, but nothing stops intoxication. The drive home consisted of me crying about how my dad is an alcoholic and I was afraid I was. Oh, to have listened to 17-year-old me would have saved 15 years of my life. The next day my cousins came to visit which consisted of periodical trips to the bathroom to throw up and lie on the floor.

 College drinking is invisible. No one sees it. All that is known is good times. Some nights I passed out on the bedroom floor of a trusted friend, other nights I passed out in a bathtub, recklessly drove, totaled my car, embarrassed friends, ruined family gatherings, humiliated myself at social gatherings, risked job opportunities, the list goes on. Adult drinking seemed the same, but I slowly came to realize that cute little 21-year-old me was not about to get a pass.

 Adult me totaled more cars, slept with random men, showed up drunk to work and events, loss the trust of family and friends, attempted suicide, lied to my psychiatrist and therapist, risked drinking while on medication, woke up to mornings to do damage control of the night before, institutionalized, put on Antabuse, and to top it all off with a relapse after 6 months of sobriety.

 The day I relapsed I threw away my sobriety chip. I knew getting off Antabuse would lead me to drinking. I am bipolar and have been in treatment for over 8 years and no pill regimen works better than alcohol. 2 shots in and either you are mellowed out or on your way to crying on the floor. Either way I’m always willing to take the risk. I went through more medications than I can count, I even went through 3 months of ECT. Nothing works. I tried going to AA meetings but, just like the bipolar meetings I tried to attend, nothing stuck.

 So here is where I am. Drinking again, hopeless again, lying again. I want to believe I can learn to drink in moderation or learn how to master the art of hiding my consumption from friends and family. Being content feels like a dream, happiness feels like a lie. The idea of hope never settled well with me. There is only chaos and control. You don’t have to agree with me, but if you found a way out of the monotony of alcoholism, I am all ears.

 Hang in there.

I have always struggled with this and the advice and shit that therapy taught me is to just do the things you used to enjoy, so I have 2x just tonight, and immediately I was even less satisfied. This is the worst symptom of bipolar depression.

i do this thing where i immediately obsess over people the moment they show the slightest bit of interest in me or i think they could be interested in me. i spiral into full blown fantasies about them and imagine my life with them and i have conversations with them in my head and i dream up entire lives with them. they become the only thing i can think about, and if im in contact with them, i become ridiculously obsessed with whether they’re texting me or reaching out to me. i wait by my phone and stalk and worry and this entire ordeal leads me to become highly emotional and unstable. and unfortunately this usually sends me spiraling into hypomania? or mania? idk which one i’m currently in said mania or hypomania and it feels like my entire life is being uprooted. all because i can’t stop obsessing over people. how do i stop??

I don't want to live with this disease anymore, I don't know what to do. I (22m) was diagnosed last year, and it explains so much. It explains why I've been so behind everybody else my whole life. I wish I wasn't born this way. I wish I realized that I was bipolar before I made that stupid decision that I'm so ashamed of, maybe then I would have avoided that. Maybe I wouldn't be so suicidal because of it. I cry myself to sleep sometimes wishing I could go back in time. Maybe if I did the right things my brain would have developed appropriately, maybe I wouldn't be so defunct. Maybe a creator doesn't exist because why the fuck would they create me?

Like I was diagnosed type one like a year ago, and I didn’t really take the time to process it I just went on with my life. I was hospitalized twice. But I’ve been good since 2021, I’d just throw myself back into my work, but having been diagnosed with autism since I was like 6, I just took in stride, but I’m at a point where I’m thinking about what I actually want to do after I get my degree.

I am currently moderately depressed. Things are going well in my life right now, but I still can't help but worry and feel like something bad is going to happen all the time.

Hello,

I'm in my mid 40s and I have struggled to hold down a full time job my entire life. I have Bipolar 2 disorder, GAD, Panic Disorder and OCD. I see a doctor, therapist and I'm on medications that make me feel somewhat normal at times but have never made me feel 100 percent. I have worked many jobs but I have found that I work the best when I'm alone, but even when I'm alone symptoms flare up and I have trouble focusing. Sometimes I over work myself and can't stop. Other times I can't even finish a day's work. If something goes wrong at the work, I can't control myself, I'll Panic and expect the worst outcome and it will snowball to the point that I walk out of the job. The highs are high and the lows are very low.

I live in a rural area and people don't understand mental disorders. They think I should just get over it or I'm being lazy or just making stuff up. I'm 40 years old and have quit or been fired from every job I had due to my mental disorders. I live with a relative in a small room. I assure people, this is not the life that I want. Who would want this? I'm very embarrassed by my life and feel like a failure. I just want to talk to other people that have these same issues and maybe get some advice. Is it normal for people to struggle this bad with jobs with Bi Polar?

I have no idea what's going on lately. I don't know what a "normal" mood feels like anymore. I am depressed one day, manic(hypo?) the next, depressed again for a few days, manic again, & depressed again. What the hell is going on? I've been professionally diagnosed & I'm on Lamictal (50mg for now), & it's getting to a really debilitating point in my life. I can't do anything because I'm depressed, or I do things but don't complete them. does anyone else experience this? I either sleep all day or don't sleep at all. I can't go to classes. I don't know what to do. any advice? is this normal?

This year was far too painful for me personally. I had to take a break from my degree. On top of that I lost all of my friends because my condition got a bit too much for them to bear, which is understandable. I also lost my job. And lastly I do not have any family connections aside from my mother, father, and sister (all of which is strained).

I am now medicated and chill I guess but I feel like I have lost myself in the process, I can hardly make any substantial conversations anymore. Sometime I wonder if I’ll ever end up marrying someone at this rate cause I have basically nothing to even talk about. And even if that were to happen, due to the lack of friends and family, who would even show up?

I’m digressing here but I’m pretty much in a slump now, for context I’m 23, and I can’t seem to do anything much now except sulk in bed. I also suddenly feel too stupid to even complete my degree. Is there really a light at the end of the tunnel?

I know at least some people feel similar, but let me rant.

I’m so incredibly obsessed with proving my intelligence (to myself) that the consequences it has on my mental health far outweighs any possible consequences of me actually being stupid.

I’m even doing it here, while I type, consciously or subconsciously double checking that each sentence sounds cohesive and intelligent in order to compensate for my massive insecurity.

When I’m constantly lightheaded as a result of me not eating and not exercising, getting horrible sleep, irritated over absolutely everything, woefully reminiscing over memories I can barely remember, at least I’m smart, right?

I’ll accept any illness or injury as long as brain damage isn’t a symptom. (I know I’m exaggerating, but sometimes I actually feel like this)

I can’t enter an antique store anymore because I think I’ll suffer from lead toxicity.

I think back to every time I cleaned my bathroom, had I ever unknowingly created chlorine gas by mixing chemicals? Does chlorine gas cause brain damage? Maybe I have brain damage.

Any risk of me losing brain cells involves incessant worrying and foolproof precautions.

Brain fog is clearly indicative of my stupidity and is definitely not a very normal symptom of bipolar.

If I read something and I’m unable to make sense of it, I’m stupid, simple as that.

I’ll be confident once I believe I’m smart. So basically never.

I hate it.

I was undiagnosed until I was hospitalized. No one really knows what happened to me but best guess was manic episode that brought on psychosis. Lost my $140k job because of the nature of my episode, tanking my career with it. I experienced suicidal ideations and took a few months to get the right med combo. Was unemployed for most of this year, managed to get a job at a local bank but I quit after a month I was so depressed at my new job. Bills were piling up. My retirement account was completely drained. But I just got a new job only making $60k but I feel like I am getting back on my feet rebuilding my life. Medication has helped me tremendously with the depression after effects of my episode. Life does gets better.

How are you all doing on your journeys?

For quick background I was diagnosed bipolar II a few years ago - in my mid-40s. Prior to the diagnoses I absolutely struggled with trying to live a "normal" life, but it was difficult for me. I fell behind playing the game. The diagnosis explained a lot.

I'm currently on a mood stabilizer which has helped, but the occasional manic episode and elongated depressive periods strike still. While they don't happen often as noted, when a manic episode strikes, it sometimes blows up whatever depressive feelings I may have (especially thinking of how my life turned out). I feel like I'm trapped in a cage with it. Nowhere to let it out. In these moments I lose myself, like this dark shadow version of me takes the controls. I hate when an episode strikes. It makes me feel helpless, out of control, and selfish. When it passes and I'm back to myself, I'm left with fighting the deep lingering depressive thoughts left in its wake.

Thanksgiving was an incredibly stressful day. It was so hard and ever since I’ve been easily triggered and my mood swings are wild. I’ve been off medication for a while and have been self medicating with weed a lot more lately. I’ve been a fucking mess and all over the place but tonight I feel it all coming to a head. I’m just so overwhelmed and I find myself trying to focus on my breathing.

How are you guys doing tonight? How do you he’ll stabilize yourself when you’re feeling so anxious and overwhelmed?

I apparently told a guy that I liked sex or something like that when I was manic and they kept making fun of me for it. then I overshared that I had sex from the age of 14, how do I fix this? The 2nd guy I have ever had sex with, I told him my body count is 7, I'm pretty sure he told other guys too. Now it makes sense why I was being treated like this in my home town. I've been with 15 guys. I would love to share the encounters with them to see if I can fix or improve my life.

Hey all - I wanted to share my new tattoo, which pays tribute to my experience with bipolar disorder:

The hourglass has contrasting halves: the light and the dark, symbolized by the sun beams and the crescent moon. The flowing sand reflects the cyclical nature of these experiences, a constant reminder that stability is fleeting—it’s only a matter of time before I swing one way or the other. This captures my ongoing struggle to accept the lifelong nature of this condition. The crack in the hourglass symbolizes my wounds—acknowledging the pain I’ve endured and the strength I’ve found in healing. The pendulum reflects the struggle to stay centered and my dedication to finding the middle path, reminding me to strive for balance amidst life’s swings.

https://preview.redd.it/nl6rlvbi5q4e1.jpg?width=1184&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=98466ef27dc385c3a8501940a1984322f2efe170

So earlier today I was feeling very suicidal. He didn’t know that, but he knew it was a bad low state. Now I’m in an elevated mood. He says that I give him whiplash sometimes. How do you not give your SO whiplash with your swings?

Im doing really bad in school right now and I always have but im on academic probation so im gonna get kicked out and I feel like the adhd meds I take makes my bipolar symptoms so much worse. When I get depressed I give up on school and when I get manic I forget about school so I have like these short periods of time where I try to salvage what I ruined and it’s exhausting. I don’t know what to do. are we doomed to be unable to take care of ourselves. I should take meds but when I did they made me sleep through every lecture it was bad.

I’m just lost and I need to know if my efforts are for no reason if I can even graduate. I barely graduated high school the only reason I’m in uni is because of community college classes that I only got a pass for my classes instead of a grade because I was in and out of the psych ward so I really don’t deserve to be here.

In the past week,

1. I held my grandmother's hand and sang to her as she died

2. My brother physically attacked me for the first time (he's been abusive towards my mother and I for awhile but he's never attacked me before, we're really close)

3. I am actively failing school because I was in another province, taking care of my grandmother

4. One of my best friends showed her true, ugly colours

5. My ex is dating/has a crush on someone new which shouldn't be that big a deal but holy shit it feels like the world is ending

I'm going down, down, down. It feels like I have no one. I have friends but I can't really open up to any of them. I want to stay in bed forever and drown in my tears. I wish time could stop for while so my brain could rest.

I was diagnosed with BP1 3 years ago. My wife is an incredible person. Stood by me and is still standing helping us get out of financial ruin from an intense bout with mania. I have a few friends that I feel like give a crap but the daily chore of being inside my head can block out everything around me. It’s lonely even with a support system. Idk why I feel so isolated all while being known and understood within my circle. How do you push through the racing thoughts and daily grind of internal struggle?

I’m a nurse and thankfully have a lot of possibilities out there with different positions. I’m so grateful for that. Over the years I’ve noticed after about a year or 2 I get like repulsed by my job. Maybe I’m burnt out of bedside nursing I don’t know. I’m wondering if this happens to you all often? It’s super annoying though. I feel I’m never content. I get bored easily too. I learn a specialty then on to the next. Then I’m like what if I should try a whole different career.

So about 4-5 months ago my bipolar disorder got so bad I had to take a leave of absence from my job and I ended up getting fired while on leave. I’ve been off work ever since getting better and going through the disability process and recently got to the point that I need a job in some capacity to pay for my insurance now. But the thing is I’m freaking out and my panic disorder is all over the place making me afraid of running into the same issues that made me have to take a leave of absence at my last job. What the hell can I do?