Saw the Healthygamergg and psychologyinseattle's video on AvPD And a lot of what was said connected all too well, the "avoidant" side agreed. I need help, my home life is on the verge of being alone and I don't want that. Can anyone help me look in the right spot for a therapist?

I’m gonna try to shorten this.

27/f. I’ve always been in long term relationships. I’m on my way to being engaged soon. I can spend endless amounts of time with my partners whether it’s talking, texting, physically co-existing, catering. You can feel the cycle of energy going back and forth.

Now friends? I have no idea why , but I have a big personality and a painfully low social battery/desire for making friends & co-existing in the same place as my current friends.

It feels like a daunting task even tho I like them.

I feel like I prefer the “maintanance” big sister role. As in, you can call me and text me for advice, directions in life, decisions, recommendations to point you in a better position , money, comfort for when something is wrong. With friends, it’s a tasks until completion and then let me go back to solitude.

And when I say solitude, it’s not so much “get away from me so I can be with my botfriend”, no because I mean I actually LOVE solitude. I love doing indoor and outdoor activities ALONE if it’s not with my partner. I don’t mind seeing my friends once a year. If that was the max that be fine.

I even decided how I want to expand travel alone and what not because the idea of occupying a hotel with a friend and having to report to hang out with them instead of just going on solo adventures feels again, tasking and drains my social battery.

Even today, I wanted to go out to the city to a dancehall party just to dance , have short term interactions that will never happen again and travel back alone.

I don’t see the point of long term friend ships. And I’ve cut people off out of my life for inconviences and never looked back or felt like I missed them.

Can’t tell if I got a social disorder and I’m a built in bitch

I'm pretty sure she does it on purpose too. It's sad because i used to like spending time with them. Now my days feels pretty empty. I have no self-esteem so the smallest remarks are very upsetting and leave me feeling down for days.

I'm a big time loser and i think she gets a kick out of it. No social life or job or anything, still living with my parents at 24. I hate my life even without her.

Is it looks only? Personality only? Or both?

As the title says. Wanting to feel fulfilled yet feeling paralysed. I'm looking at my peers living extraordinary lives and I'm just surviving.

Anyway, the thing I am most proud of recently is becoming a blood donor 😊

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What it says on the tin, folks! What have you found that is helpful to you when you are silent? A very dear friend of mine has just recently come forward and explained to me that AvPD seems to be the issue behind their long absences. Now that I understand, I want to reassure my friend that no hard feelings were held (and back then, I was mainly more struggling with my own paranoia of them avoiding me because they hated me. I didn't ever believe they were a bad person, or a bad friend. Just someone unwilling to be my friend. Fun when differences in mental illness and trauma responses clash, isn't it) and I want to help them feel safer in our friend group/friendship. We are all neurodivergent folks (I am autistic), so we get these sorta difficulties.

Some questions:

1. Do you guys feel more pressured/overwhelmed by regular check in messages, or are they helpful reminders that things are still good and friendly? Stuff like, hey! Hope you are having a nice day! I saw this and thought of you! Etc.

2. Do you want the silences to be acknowledged, or would you rather we just jump back into fun activities?

3. If you guys are close, would you want updates from your friends even if things are negative/heavy? Ie. If I am not doing too well, should I keep them updated on that or would it just further burden them?

I don't want to pressure them into talking if they do not want to, and I do not want this to come off as attempts to get them to talk. However, I am worried that they will feel left out, or abandoned, and stew in the fear that I will leave them. While I understand that that can't be helped, is there any way of me to alleviate some of the stress, or at least, not cause it further?

The reason for my confusion is that for my own "quiet periods" (shutdowns, social exhaustion, not talking, hyperfocus/exhaustion) seems to require a different approach than a bout of avoidance. I.e I want to be left alone, or I will read messages but not reply and instead leave reaction images, etc. I want to prevent misunderstandings as much as possible, and support them when times are difficult!

Note: I am not sure what flair to add, so I put this under progress. Hope that is alright.

I’m in my early twenties and have been seeing the same therapist since I was a teenager. Ever since I started seeing her, I’ve made a conscious effort to constantly remind myself of the fact that she would not be talking to me if I didn’t pay her to do so and that our relationship is and always will be inherently transactional. These reminders have always been to keep myself from feeling too guilty about bothering her with my presence and to prevent any parasocial type relationship forming at my end if that makes sense.

Last year I was discussing something with my therapist when she very casually mentioned that she cares about me as a person. She wasn't even trying to really get into that topic, I think it was just part of a larger point she was trying to make, but what she said completely freaked me out. I feel like I've somehow subconsciously managed to trick her into liking me as a person, but also like she's doing something really malicious to me by caring about me. This was the first and last time I've ever genuinely been angry with her and one of only a handful of times I've let myself cry in therapy. She told me that she was obviously going to care about someone she's been seeing weekly for the better part of a decade, which I guess makes sense, but I still feel gross.

This was almost 6 months ago now and I still get nauseous when I think about it, and every time I do I kind of want to stop going to therapy all together. I really want to know if anyone else can kind of understand my point of view, because I honestly feel a bit crazy lol

I’ve asked this before but never so in depth. Fair warning, this post will be political, is if you are sensitive to that, avoid this post and take care of yourself.

So, I’ve always had a compulsive obsession with others opinions. For example, if some music critic on the internet disliked a band that I’d like, it would literally take me weeks, sometimes months, to muster up the courage to just listen to them on my own again. It’s not some simple social need for acceptance. It is a deep, compulsive obsession. I haven’t been happy since I was a small child. Because I’m always doing something wrong. I always feel like I’m stupid or wrong over little things. I am TERRIFIED of rejection. If I am rejected, then I don’t matter. All my emotions and memories, mean nothing because a few people don’t like me. I am constantly saying sorry over tiny things, I over analyze how people talk to me. I really hope I am describing it well enough.

Now, that’s just with little things. Maybe some people think I have bad taste because I like a certain band or because I like superheroes. It hurts. But that does not compare to my political anxiety. This is the real problem. This is the type of stuff that makes me consider ending it all (I do mean that).

When those election results came around, I doomscrolled Reddit for literal hours, because of the “4B movement” that went viral that following week. I just read and read and read about how angry women were at men. I didn’t ask for any of this. I don’t want to see women hurt. But I was pages and pages of women blaming me and most other men for whatever horrors are about to transpire

Then recently, with all this Canada bullshit. I have a number of doomscrolling hours this time: six. For six hours, I was glued to Reddit, reading how angry Canadians were at me. I never wished harm and Canada. They’ve done nothing to me! But because of my leaders and the people around me, I feel hated. I feel hated by the world. Both of these groups I’ve talked about are talking about boycotting. I understand why. I know why. But it still feels awful. I try so hard to be nice to people, but because I am part of certain groups, I feel hated by everyone. Maybe they’re right. This president is crushing everyone with an iron fist, and American men are the last group of people they deserve sympathy. What am I doing complaining here and seeking validation from strangers. Maybe I’m right, I should end it all. If you don’t like me after reading this post I understand. I’m looking for mental health help so that I can finally be slightly happy. But maybe I don’t deserve it. Maybe I should take a break from Reddit, or maybe they’re all right about me.

My bf has bp2 and I have bpd. At one point he thought he had avpd but then a week later says he doesn't. Hasn't brought it up since. He gets extreme anxiety in social situations. He'd rather be by himself, he told me he's just fine. He's saving money on get a car and plays video games. He doesn't have any friends besides the guys he plays destiny with. I asked him why he doesn't want human interaction and said he has never even thought about why.

Growing up he moved from place to place until he was 12. He said there was no point in making friends and don't believe him. He was in multiple sports and won a junior world championship curling. He was on his way to the Olympics until bipolar hit in his 20s. He didn't have a normal high school experience and couldn't relate to his classmates. Once covid hit he spent 5 years inside on his computer. I moved in and he'd go days ignoring me while I was in the same room. He tells me he's a bad boyfriend, that he's always been like that. He's basically just going through he motions.

How do I get him out of his shell? He talks about so many activities he'd like to do, sends me links but never follows through. He wants interaction but shuts down. We are starting couples therapy next week. I'm hoping we can figure something out. Maybe our mental health conditions are too bad to make this work. I love him and it makes me sad.

For some time, this person has been also miserable and struggling. She’s now studying abroad and she looks like a complete different person, and I’m glad she is. I don’t wish doom on people who never mistreated me and I don’t draw pleasure from other people’s unhappiness, especially if I care about them. What I’m doing is merely projecting my negative emotion on other people. I also recently moved away from my home for my studies, but I’m just as miserable as I was before. No matter where I go, I can’t form any sort of meaningful relationship with people. I feel like a ghost watching everyone having the time of their life. I’m really glad for my old friend but also very jealous. I don’t understand why no matter what I do, I can never be at peace with myself.

Somebody I love in my life who I strongly suspect suffers with AVPD once said this to me.

Answers are just for my own ponderings. I didn't really know what to say back at the time, I just knew I disagreed. I won't be saying anything to this person because it wouldnt be received well and we're currently NC.

If I COULD respond now, I would probably say, "Well yes, but think about where your traits came from. Some of them are maladaptive coping methods stemming from abuse. Would you consider reaching out for some guidance on those?"

Thoughts?

I’ve known this girl for over a year, she is an incredible person and I’d like to take it to the next level. When we are together the chemistry is incredible and flirting just flows but then as soon as we begin getting close and catching feelings she goes no contact for several weeks at a time. I randomly reach out (she never texts) and we agree to meet up again, essentially picking off where we left off. She has mentioned that she is healing from trauma but it’s painful to go through these withdrawals. When I leave I know I won’t see her or hear from her.

What can I do?

I was abused physically and emotionally as a child, and my dad used to constantly make fun of my hobbies. For example:

"No girl would date you because you only play video games."

"You need different hobbies than x"

"You have no friends and aren't interesting."

Etc.

He pushed my self esteem so low that it's practically nonexistent. Even now, 5 years after escaping from that abusive hellhole of a family, I'm still afraid of being judged and bullied for being myself. I freeze when I want to talk to a stranger (or even someone I've known for a while), and keep my distance from people which has prevented me from making friends. I've also had many "friends" in the past who ended up being abusive assholes just like my dad.

I want to date. I want to have friends. And I want to not be abused or bullied. I do not know how to do this. Do I stand up for myself or would that drive people away? Do I tell people about myself or will they use that against me and bully me? Do I trust someone or will they abuse me?

One last note: I know people say that you need to "learn to like spending time with yourself", but I've been alone for my whole life. Even in those "abusive" friendships and with my former family, I was cripplingly alone. I am sick of being alone and need human contact. I need help and advice.

Just a random quote which comes from an old film called "A Bronx Tale" that I ruminate on sometimes. For me personally, the sheer extent/severity to which I've fucked up my own life goes beyond proper description. There's regret, there's shame, there's despair, and all manner of other equally dislocating agonies to grapple with, but it's the waste that often gets to me the most.

As much as I loathe my entire existence, and rue the fact that it ever even happened to begin with, I still genuinely feel like I could've done so much more with what I had. The fact that I didn't is a betrayal against myself that I simply can't forgive, nor forget. I had the potential to make life an amazing and wonderful journey, but instead all I got was decades of learned helplessness and dehumanizing isolation. Physically speaking, I had/have all that I needed to see success out there. By that same token, I had more than enough intelligence/creativity to build a decent career for myself. In other words, I could've had a social life. I could've had relationships. I could've enjoyed enriching/edifying times throughout all these many years that have instead been left to rot like a pile of decaying oranges on the ground, putrefying ever further into a noxious puddle of slimy muck.

With all this surrounding my mind from all sides, it's inconceivable to imagine ever being free from it. Even if somehow, by multiple sequential miracles lining themselves up one after the other, I could turn things around for myself, it won't take away the grief of the person I never had the strength to be, nor the worthwhile life I never got to experience. Decades ago, I opted to run away and hide from the world, and surprise surprise, here I am sitting with the dismal results. I sowed nothing, and I received nothing. A whirlwind of dust and empty air.

Obvious differences aside, but I feel like I have a greater understanding/appreciation as to why Roman generals would be expected to fall on their own swords after losing a major battle, or why disgraced samurai would slice their own guts open in an attempt to save face. Sometimes you fuck up so spectacularly badly, that there simply isn't any other option.

"Notes from Underground" by Fyodor Dostoevsky is our pick for this month! Since the other suggestions all tied for second place, they’ll stay on the list for next time.

A new discussion thread will go up every Weekend. Some folks can read it all in one sitting, while others prefer to take their time, so each thread will include chapter markers to help keep spoilers in check.

If you need help finding a copy, leave a comment.

Here’s the schedule for February:

Feb 8: Part 1 - Ch. 1

Feb 15: Part 1 - Ch. 2 to Ch. 11

Feb 23: Part 2 - Ch. 1 to Ch. 10

The opening paragraph reads like a post from r/AvPD

I spend 90% of my time in my room using the internet without having human contact with anyone, and I've been like this for so many years that I'm losing basic skills, the main one being the ability to express my thoughts. I'm afraid of developing a mental condition, such as Alzheimer's, dementia, etc., which I think is already happening.

I don't want to disappear. I don't want to become a consciousness lobotomized by the destructive thoughts that flourish in my solitude. But I know I don't have any resources to deal with this, and all I can do is languish in my room while I watch the best parts of me disappear.

I just wanted a chance to be more than that.

I just cut contact with people. I pushed everyone who I could. Maybe soon I will lose someone important to me too then it will be the end to me

I fully decided to isolate myself. I just don’t care anymore how it will affect me. People says it’s unhealthy? Maybe. Maybe it will be very much unhealthy and I will lose contact with reality. I don’t mind. Even if someone will call me - I won’t pick up. Someone will come - I won’t open. I will still clean the house, have my hobbies and help ppl but now I’m going to live in my own world

If I could, I would live in my own island fully alone. I was thinking that I’m getting better only to realize that I get worse

I truly want someone to hug me, touch me, I am a soft person but I decided to isolate myself. Too much pain from everyone. I want to see what kind of changes I will have in my personality and mental health

I want to cry. It hurts. But also it’s fully okay. I anyway not going to listen anyone. People always said to me that I’m not just introverted person. In 2020 I was been fully alone for 2 months. In 2024 I was been alone for 6 months

Maybe it will be a year now? Two? Maybe I will even go to another country later only to fully stay at where I’m. I don’t want anyone anymore. I want to be helped a bit but also I want to cut everyone out

Firstly it’s hurts and then you have a pleasure. It’s like a drug. Slow drug. Firstly, I was been “drugged” from emotional connection (meet new person every time) and now I crave loneliness like a drug

I know it’s very much unhealthy but I don’t care anymore. I won’t seek help. I will see how it’s all will end

As the title says.

I haven't been well mentally for the past two years but I've always had low self-esteem and struggled in social situations. I've never felt like I've had any friends I could rely on. I find small talk difficult. I never felt people would be interested in my life.

I have always felt rejected by others. I take rejection personally, I always have.

For new years eve my wife insists we go to her family for it. She has a large noisy family and it is my personal hell. I've never been able to explain to her why I hate it.

I feel exhausted all the time.

I'm just coming to terms with it and plucking up the courage to tell people IRL so I can get help and a formal diagnosis. So trying out by telling strangers on the Internet first.

It's good to put a name to how I feel.

Pressing post is hard lol 🤣

This has been one of if not the most responsive and respectful PD subs I’ve posted in. Maybe it’s just because I’ve finally found a community I relate so strongly to, but it means sooo much to know I’m not alone. So thanks.

One thing I just recently realized is one thing that causes me a lot of anxiety is the fear that people will be strongly overwhelming around me cause I grew up in that at home. So in part I have a natural fear based on things that I saw happen around me. So i never really thought of that aspect. That I lack trust in others to be safe around me as well. But that is part of the fear too.

It’s the only thing that could make sense for why I’m so fucked up. I feel like there’s something awful inside me. Something I’ve pushed so far away from myself I don’t even remember it. I don’t remember my childhood at all. I don’t remember much in general. Could something traumatic have happened without me remembering? Is this just the way my brain has learned to process it?

I feel like I’m going crazy.

I look through my blinds before I leave me house to see if the neighbor kid is outside so I can avoid him bc he always says hey to me.

For awhile there were construction workers working on my neighbor's house and they were always there when I went to my car and it was the fucking worst every single time. They never gave me shit but I could tell they disliked me. I didn't know how to acknowledge them without it being weird so I just didn't even try.

My mechanic dislikes me and I dread getting oil changes. I hate even calling bc I can hear it in his voice.

I had to pickup something from a house that was being painted today and I drove by 3 separate times waiting until the painters were gone.

I dread family Christmas literally, literally all year. Every few weeks I think, "fuck family Christmas is in x months." When it finally comes I'm just frozen the entire time. I can tell I make everyone uncomfortable by just being there.

I'm hyper aware and sensitive during every single cashier interaction. If they give off even the slightest indication that they didn't like me it really negatively affects me and I'll think about the interaction for the rest of the day.

I immediately delete any of my comments that get downvoted 😭

I could go on and on.

I've been like this for basically my whole life. I can't believe it has a name. I've never fit into a box so well or related to anything so well in my entire life so this is a new experience for me.

Am I crazy for thinking everyone hates me? Just went out to go shopping and the anxiety I felt was crazy, constantly avoiding eye contact , barely was able to raise my voice, I thought everyone was thinking negative things about me or hated me even being their, just wanted to ask if this normal for anyone else?

It's scary to think about the fact that if my life doesn't abruptly come into an end, there will be a day where my family will be gone and I'll be left alone.

My dad has talked to me about this. When I was younger he asked why I was so antisocial and incited me to have friends; but now he's realized that he has a daughter with no saving.

He told me today that if I never marry, he hopes that I at least get a good friend by my side when I'm old. I'm sorry that I make him worry that way.

I always had great issues socializing, and that was the start of a bigger problem as I grew up, to the point that I completely gave up on people outside of my direct family. Now I know for a fact that I will always be alone.

But my siblings are all 10+ years older than me, and my parents are already old.

My life now that I'm almost twenty sometimes feels hellish. I hate the way that I am, and I hate that nobody but them loves me; but I still come back home every night to a nice meal and someone asking me how my day was.

And then I imagine what it must be like to be an old woman, without any descendants, unable to take care of myself, and being left with nothing but the memories of those whom I once loved.

It gives me an unimaginable sense of dread and loneliness. It feels like a nightmare, but the scariest part is that more likely than not, that will be the end of my life.

It's a sad reality that I always feel creeping up on me, and it makes me depressed that I can't make it stop.

Edit: forgot to mention that my siblings don't plan on having kids either, so I can't even rely on that. My bloodline really ends with me.

So I (24,F) have always struggled with relationships and friendships. I don’t have close friends and I’ve never had a serious relationship. I thought it’d be easier to make connections online but I keep having experiences that beg to differ.

Earlier this month I gathered the courage to message this person on social media who I thought was super cool. We were following each other for months prior to this. We talked for a few days, and were getting to know each other. He seemed interested in my hobbies and suggested that he’d want to get updates on them too. He made the point of being a good communicator to avoid any misunderstandings and unnecessary stress. I really appreciated that because in the past that was something that I didn’t really have with others. Overall, he was super kind to me. Well, life happened, work and school picked up after New Years. I hadn’t heard from him in a couple weeks, which is fine because I’ve been busy myself! During that time, I sent a message letting him now that he can let me know if I ever made him uncomfortable. But the moment I noticed he was online again, he blocked me. He’s also newly taken ( I think? I don’t remember) but I was never looking for a sexual or romantic relationship to begin with. He said he wanted to be friends and I was okay with that.

I’m having a hard time understanding why he’d do that after being so adamant about proper communication. I was embarrassingly excited that I made a cool friend. Would it be a bad idea to reach out and ask why he’d blocked me? Any tips on how to not let this get to me either? Experiences like this make me want to stop trying to put myself out there.

Thanks in advance :)

it’s actually going ok. Hard

But ok. Maybe yall can keep one too eventually 🥺