/r/AskLesbians
Ask Lesbians!
Assembling an impromptu panel of wise queer women to help you through any question in life.
If you are new to this subreddit, please read our rules before posting. Especially if you yourself do not identify as part of our community.
Advice set to autodispense since '14
Ask Lesbians
Assembling an impromptu panel of wise queer women to help you through any question in life. Here for our fellow queers, but also occasionally answering questions from others. We're your queer and lesbian braintrust.
If you are new to this subreddit, please read our rules before posting. Especially if you yourself do not identify as part of our community.
Rules:
1) Be Sincere Try and engage with one another sincerely. We know this is hard to do on the Internet, but help us keep this place a place you can write advice to your fellow lesbians and queers with care. Your question must be relevant to your own life. Things to satisfy mere "curiosity", including surveys, academic or otherwise are not sincere questions for community.
2) Inclusion Yes, trans women are women. Bi women are part of our community too. So are many non-binary folks. Our community is broad and many are welcome here. Posts stating otherwise are not.
3) Not a zoo We're not here to be a zoo for folks outside our community. This often means people from outside our community should not ask questions here. Any questions must be directly relevant to your own life, not a question about ours just because you'd like to know. We also ask that folks outside our community generally refrain from providing advice (commenting) here. (Exceptions happily made for the rare exceptionally good or genuinely interesting directly related to your life experience advice.)
4) Your sexuality is yours Please refrain from asking us to tell you your sexuality. We've found people asking here mostly are using us as a sounding board rather than giving us something actionable to help with.
Advice set to autodispense since '14
/r/AskLesbians
There are so many options for waterproof blankets online and I have no idea where to start and what's actually quality šµāš«
Curious about other peoples boundaries surrounding this. I'm never sleeping with like 10 women at the same time but sometimes I'll be seeing a couple women casually at the same time.
Recently, right before we had sex, the girl I was hooking up with informs me that she also has sex with another girl sometimes. She said she thinks it's important for everyone to know about eachother.
I was kind of like.. fuck.. am I being an asshole by not telling the girls im hooking up with that im hooking up with other people? Because for me, I just kind of assume this is happening, but don't necessarily want to know about it.
I feel like my relationships tend to have intimate components to them even when they are casual, but I feel like that's kind of standard for lesbians. Idk, do y'all expect this kind of disclosure with people you're casually seeing, like, is this the norm? Or is this not necessary and usually assumed?
I grow hair in weird places like us all but why am I so hairy š On my lower back I have alot of blonde hair that's I can feel same as in my butt. But on the back in my thighs (I shave this) I grow like actual hair and it's horrible... But it's this normal and should I be concerned that a future partner would be like Ew wtf š
My girlfriend (18f) and I (18f) have been dating for a good 2 1/2 years and started having sex 6 months in because we were young and horny teens but it also felt right for us in that timeframe. When we first started having sex i was always the bottom as sheās a masc and she would say she didnāt want to be a masc bottom, which over time we talked about it and she said it was because she was insecure and didnāt feel comfortable to be on the receiving end. I understood all her worries and we just kept on going as me being on the receiving end until about 1 year into our relationship we started to get intimate and instead of me being on the receiving end, she ended up being on the receiving end and really enjoyed it and said she was happy because i made her feel special and loved, but ever since then itās like she never wants to initiate anything or just let me not be top for once which kinda makes me sad because i still want to be given the same treatment that i give her when it comes to our sex life. I do enjoy making her happy during the deed but itās like before she would initiate and be more dominant but now she expects me to always initiate and be dominant and whenever iāve tried asking her if i could receive sex or anything of the sort she automatically shuts me down and it makes me feel undesirable and like she doesnāt want to touch me. We talked a little bit about it recently and she just said she doesnāt like doing the work and even stated āiām a stone cold bottom i donāt know how old me did it beforeā which i understand she doesnāt want to do the work sometimes and thatās okay but idk itās just tough because now i feel like she just doesnāt ever want to touch me in that way and i donāt feel desired like i did before. I donāt know how to bring this up to her because itās just awkward and i feel dumb saying it bc idk if she can change that, which also makes me feel bad because i donāt want her to change for me or bc i told her to change that just seems wrong to me and i donāt want to be a shitty gf. I donāt want to breakup with her because i can see a future with her and i love her tremendously but i feel like our sexual desires just donāt match up and itās getting to a point where i have like a lot of pent up stuff because if i do ask her she shuts me down so i have to either ignore the feeling or handle it on my own which is so embarrassing. Please give me advice on how to address this with her without it seeming like im asking for too much/ asking her to change her ways for me.
also sorry for bad formatted im on iphone and there might be some rambling since it kinda just became too much on me right now.
Iāve identified as bisexual for 20 years and havenāt really questioned it until recently. All of my serious relationships (only 3 total) have been with men, until 5 years ago. Iāve been mostly single since then, just casually dating people of all genders.
For most of my life I was very attracted to men but in my 30s I find myself less and less interested in them. Iāve always been a bit of a tomboy with more ātraditionally maleā interests, so I wonder if I was just craving male validation, and entry into those male spaces I never felt fully welcome in?
Iāve started wondering about this lately because for the past few years, whenever I see a lesbian couple or hang out with my queer female friends in relationships, I feel so, so sad. I get filled with a deep feeling of envy, and longing, because I want it so bad but it feels out of reach.
Iām helping my good friend plan her wedding to her amazing female partner and while I am so happy for her, I often find myself crying after planning sessions because I want romantic love and partnership with a woman so badly.
I know itās possible that Iām bisexual with a preference for women, but I thought Iād ask if anyone could relate to these feelings and later realized they were gay?
Sheās going on a uni trip for 3 days and going to be staying in an air bnb. She told me she will be sleeping next to her friend / classmate . How do I not get jealous about this
specifically I'm looking to get some demon girls tattooed on me as an afab nonbinary person who likes women - should I be wary to do this? the designs are mostly conventionally attractive women - I don't want to make a partner self conscious or promote outdated ideals of attractiveness
if you have similar tattoos let me know your thoughts - or if you'd have some kind of reaction let me know - I'm 23 and very into tattoos right now and just trying to be mindful
Whatās are some of your favorite songs to listen to during sex?
What was the defining moment for you? I'm 21 cis female, and i have considered myself to be straight up until now. Never been in a relationship, but straight was just what I thought i was. More and more recently I've been noticing the beauty of women. I still find some men attractive, but when I think about aactually BEING with one... I'm just not so sure ananymore. I guess women seem to be more loving? They don't look at you like an object like men sosometimes do. What really made me start questioning was when my favorite youtuber came out as gay, and i found that I was kinda excited about that? When women are flirty with me, i like it. But when men do it i get creeped out. lI don't even know if this is something that I'm ready to think about. I know that my family would be so ddisappointed in me. And it could even be a phase, idk. I just wanted to hear how it was for you all when you first started questioning, or if you always knew?
Like the title says. I am 25F and had my gay awakening a couple years ago. I would really like to date a woman. However, I feel held back because unfortunately I have never had an orgasm, either with someone else or by myself, even with toys. I feel very deficient that I canāt orgasm (I think partially due to antidepressants, which really help otherwise and I donāt want to go off of) but as much as I try to reach it it does not happen. Iām almost embarrassed to try to date a lesbian because I feel like when they see this deficiency it wonāt be as satisfying for them and it will just implode because Iām not able to show my pleasure in the way I want to. I think part of me thinks if I was in a straight relationship it would be better because so many women have orgasmic deficiencies in them anyway so itās not uncommon, but for lesbians who have a lower orgasm gap I just feel like it would be really disappointing for my partner to really put in the work and nothing happens on my end, not for want of trying. Itās really frustrating, but would lesbians still date me even if Iām anorgasmic and it canāt be fixed?
How does anyone actually date when you live in places whereās thereās not exactly a huge queer community, ex: places further south, places where religion is a big part of the culture, etc.
I live in a decently big city but I am pretty far in the south and in the Bible Belt, so sometimes I feel like Iāll never date again (I moved here 6 months ago). Iāve tried looking into Facebook or Meetup groups even just to make some queer friends, but they mostly consist of people who 10 years+ older than me (Iām 24).
Are dating apps the only option at this point? Iāve given them a shot but havenāt really made any substantial connections. The only advice Iāve seen online is to volunteer or join a rec sports team, but not sure if this is a common thing but I really fear potential negative reactions that could come from assuming a girl is gay when sheās not. I guess it should also be noted that Iām more on the fem side and Iām mainly attracted to other more fem-presenting people. Any advice would be great friends :)
Iāve realized Iām never angry that Iām not in a relationship till Iām wanting sex. Thatās when I get pissed and start getting whiny about things to the point where my friend called me out of it. How do I stop this or make it decrease for the better?
I (20F) have recently entered my first ever relationship . Things are going well however I am constantly paranoid when Iām away from my gf she will meet someone ābetter ā or more āinteresting ā than me . I am a pretty insecure person and Iām used to people abandoning me so I nvr feel like I am good enough .
My girlfriend is at uni whereas I am an unemployed NEET (receive disability welfare from the gov) she goes to lots of uni events so ofc she has lots of opportunities to meet people . I on the other hand , donāt have any friends. I have tried going to places back in my hometown however I always fail because nobody talks to me .
Tomorrow she is doing bouldering with her new friend and I will be going back to my hometown. I will see her again on Thursday (we see each other every week and I stay at her student accom for 4x a week) Iām kind of paranoid she ends up liking someone else and they become really close or something .
I was looking at this girls instagram account and she has her shit way more together than me and she also looks like a way more fun person than me (she has photos of herself going places and doing cool activities ) what if my gf develops feelings for her . She has way more life prospects than me after all
In doggy style position specifically . What strap ons can give pleasure ?
This is gonna be long so plz bear with me,
I've been friends with a girl for like 3 years,
I had and still has a huge crush on her, She knows that I'm a lesbian btw
She says that she's a lesbian for me only, and always flirt with me, sweet talk, hugs, (we're in a strict community, so it super hard to do that) we hang out every day at school, go out to the cinema, shopping, to the restaurant,
But we've been flirting for more than 3 years
Any way, she always talks abt how she wants a husband, 5 kids, and always talks abt her future plan,
We'd say like oh we should like leave the country and we plan for it but we're broke Lol , but it's never more than that,
We say I luv u more than 100 time a day, like all the time,
But IDK,
I still feel like she's not into me, or at least she's not serious, and I really want a serious relationship, like a real adult one,
I don't wanna confess first cuz I don't think that I'd be able to destroy our relationship.
Also a few days ago we were talking to another lesbian friend and she said a similar shitty moment that happened with her straight crush and I said to my crush that 2 years ago I was almost worshipping her and the same exact moment happend to me and she said that she was stupid back then.
I said it in the past tense so I wouldn't make it awkward and we laughed it out.
What do u guys think?
And I'm really sorry for this long reddit.
I met this girl a couple months ago with full intentions of making more lesbian friends, however we got close really fast due to hanging out almost every day since weāve met and Iāve developed feelings for her. People always ask if weāre dating because weāre so close and always together, and we always laugh it off even though it kinda hurts but Iāve usually been able to ignore my feelings. However we went out partying last night and she started talking to another girl and I was extremely drunk and upset and left the party but she noticed and questioned me about it so I came back. I kept trying to keep my distance after that but every time Iād leave sheād find me. Ive been told to distance myself from her by other people before this even happened but I didnāt want to but I really think I need to now so I can get over her, its just hard to do that when Iām with her everyday without her noticing Iām hanging out with her less but I need space and I donāt know what to do.
My girlfriend and I bought a strap on. I never loved penetration before her but something about her (trust and actually being in a healthy relationship maybe?) is different. Because of the previous dislike, Iām nervous. I tried to use the dildo to see how it would feel to ease my nerves and it hurt like it was too big. I did start small. Anything I should be doing to prepare/ train?
Shes nervous about being on the giving side of things as well. Weāve communicated immensely and I feel no pressure or anything like that and we plan on continuing our communication during the act. This is something weāve both thought about and been excited about for months. Any other ideas or advice?
Iām a baby butch, and i more than anything want to meet older queer folk. iām on a trip in North Carolina, are there any lesbian hotspots that arenāt 21+? i turned 17 earlier this week and like, im struggling to find my people :[ SAVE ME LESBIANS SAVE MEEEE
I have a friend sky he's trans masc he/they pronouns but identifies as a lesbian. It doesn't affect me in anyway and only asking for perspective. He's mentioned multiple times he's gay/lesbian and is with a woman and been with woman in the past I just have a weird time understanding how you can both be a man and be a lesbian. Is the gender expression different than sexual expression ? Or is it something else. Like I said it effects me in no way at all on a personal level he's a dope friend love hanging with him. I don't want to be offending anyone I just would love perspective on this.
Everyone always talks about the masc shortage but I feel like I mainly just see other mascs when I go out. But ig that makes sense, cause of course I gravitate towards the spaces that mascs gravitate towards. I'm wondering where femmes go out to meet people and be social?
iāve been in a lesbian relationship with my Āæcis? girlfriend for a year now (for this post iām gonna refer to her as she) a few months ago she told she was worried about her gender identity but didnāt want to talk further abt it. around a month ago she told me she wanted me to slowly start using she/he on her, which is completely fine for me and iām actually very supportive. the thing is, iāve been noticing some changes in her gender expression, sometimes she be taking photos where she looks like a cis-passing guy, since the beginning of our relationship she has been a masc lesbian, but now i sometimes feel like iām dating a man. if she decides to transition as a man, i donāt think iād feel comfortable with it because well, iād be dating a man, and i only like women. idk what to do, i donāt know if i should talk about this with her because she looks like this has been a very stressful topic and i donāt really want to put a pressure on her, or be the cause of her dysphoria. any opinions?
so basically me (f22) and my gf (f24) have been living together since 3 months into our relationship and weāve been together for a little over 2 years. we live in a one bedroom apartment. we both have some mental health issues and im going to therapy at the moment for depression and anxiety. recently she has had a huge career shift and is stressed out all of the time and im dealing with my grandpa dying and ive been with him these past couple of days. i donāt want to lose my girlfriend but im unhappy. our relationship has been a little rocky this past month and i am tired of going in circles with her. i feel like the loyalty is there which has kept us together but the connection is only there sometimes. i donāt have many friends and im close with my family but i donāt want to intrude them during this hard time. i will go do stuff alone sometimes but wondering if anyone has any recommendations of what to do or where to go when needing alone time and space from my partner that i live with
I run a book club on my workplace and I would love to add a wlw book in the suggestions for our next book. However, because itās work, I donāt want it to be spicy at all, while also not being about teenagers anymore (itās fine being about teenagers though, if itās well written).
In the past we only did murder mysteries, so I never had to worry about that lol
Stuck in the most frustrating cycle with my best friend. Iāve been in love with her for over two years, and I feel like itās mutual at this point. Everyday I am thinking about her and our situation, all day until I see her. Creating the worst scenarios, until we spend time together and I realize itās all in my head. I feel like weāre both hinting around liking each other constantly but neither of us will ever get to the point. Itās so painful and confusing, and Iām terrified to confess in case Iām delusional and making it all up. Every night we sit together to watch TV and I think something is going to happen but Iām too scared to make a move and I know she wouldnāt, even if it is mutual. It feels like the tension gets as high as it possibly can through long intense eye contact, play fighting, random touching, and she waits for me to do something, but I freeze and she gets frustrated and goes to bed. I know if I were watching from an outside perspective I would tell myself to stop being such an idiot and just confess already, but when the moment comes I get so flustered and canāt do it. Itās like I shut down, heart races, I get quiet and canāt look at her. I feel like something is wrong with me and I donāt know how to change it.
For reference weāre both queer, and neither of us have ever made the first move with anyone. Previously I would kind of freak out with any kind of intimacy, but I didnāt like them so I figured that was the reason. I feel like weāre crashing because this cycle has been going on for so long and I canāt see myself breaking it. Any advice/words of wisdom?
Iām sorry if this has been asked before, but Iām so curious. Iām bi, but Iāve never done anything with a woman before (yet), but Iām dying to know whatās attractive to other women. Like, I sometimes wonder if Iād be considered attractive to other women, but I donāt know what speaks to them, in a sense.
Does it get better?
Are there any queer Africans that can give me a definite answer? Does being queer in an african country ever get better? Or am I doomed to marry a man and live in an unhappy marriage. I'm a girl, I go by She/her and I just finished high school. Navigating life without the complete support of my parents has been very difficult. It's become even more difficult because of my queer identity. I'm beginning to fear for my safety more and more by the day. Maybe I'm paranoid, maybe I simply suffer from terrible Comphet. But I need a definite answer, does it get better? Being queer in a country that hates you, frequently has cases of abuse against gay people and has desensitised itself to violence against queer folk.
Hi everyone, I ask that when you read this, you donāt judge me but try to understand how trapped I am. I really need some advise.
I am 23F who has been in a straight relationship for the past 5 years. I am very much sure that I am a lesbian. This started to slowly creep up on me during my relationship and to cut a long story short, I thought if I tired it once, it would be out of my system and everything would be fine. Turns out Iām 100% gay and have been seeing girls behind my partners back for the past year. I know, the guilt is killing me.
The thing is, Iāve met someone, and I think I love her. I have a lot of love for my current male partner however it feels like we are roommates, weāve not been intimate for over a year obviously but I adore him. With my whole entire heart. Leaving him would kill me.
Iām so scared of my life changing as Iām very much in the closet. The feeling of being so trapped is eating me up. Iām lying to everyone and I feel sick to my stomach every single day. The thing is, I just donāt think I can come out. Iām so ashamed as this is never what I expected for myself but I want to be with her. I need to be.
If I leave him, life as I know it will crumble in seconds. My home, my best friend, everything will be gone. This is a very selfish perspective and Iām aware of that but my life is perfect from the outside. Expect, Iām suffering so deeply.
Do I take this to the grave? How have people coped with this before? Iām not ready for my life to do a 360. Iām really scared but I really need advice.
Thank you in advance x
Hey yāall, I identify currently as pansexual but lately I have been thinking I may be a lesbian. I had a boyfriend and when we kissed I didnāt feel anything, no butterflies nothing. After me and him broke up I had a girlfriend for a short time and Iāve never been so attracted to someone before. When we kissed I was exited and had butterflies. I like fictional men and celebrities and I find men attractive but the idea of sleeping with a man is unappealing and scary. If anyone has any advice that would be great! Thank you for reading.
Hi everyone! Its a long story with so much details I could write a small book but I will try to be as brief as possible (pls don't mind me if my english is a little broken, I'm not native). Im (28F) lesbian who was in a relationship with another girl (30F). She followed me on instagram for some time and one day she wrote me. So we started chatting, it was very nice communication. After that we went on 2 dates. On second one we kissed (she kissed me, it was beautiful), and begun our relationship. Everything was so beautiful, we were seeing each other at least once a week (we live in different cities), but every time when we were together it was like in dream, so many beautiful emotions, caring, cuddling, sex was awesome (she told me that), communication was good. She told me that communication is very important part for her and I agreed because it's important for me too. Everything was so beautiful that I have never felt such happiness and joy in my life!!! After nearly 3 months of our relationship, we planed to travel to another city, we planed everything, but have to postpone for next weekend bcs of weather. And instead of that I went to her city, we were together when she gave me a beautiful gift (she wrote me few days earlier that she can't wait to give me a present and she hopes that I will like it). She gave me earrings ( on one it says "Give me reality", on another one "I will give you dream"). I was speechless and a little emotional, the gift was beautiful. The next weekend was our "month anniversary" (idk if there is word for that), the same weekend when we planed to go on trip. I planned everything, I bought a present and made another one (secret message was "I love you"). I really felt to tell her that I love her. Saturday early morning, I woke up to prepare for trip and I saw a message app: "Hey, Im really tired, I didnt sleep almost at all, can we postpone the trip?" (that was the 2nd time we were postponing that same trip). My answer was "sure, ofcourse, it happens, dw". But I was so sad and broken. We didn't write each other that whole day. Tomorrow was our 3-month aniversary that she forgot. I just wrote "happy 3 months anniversary ā¤ļø", she replied "oh, yes, that was today, happy anniversary". In that moment I knew something was not right. Later that day I wrote her "are you ok?" (to be frank I asked her that frequently, it was like my inner feeling already knew something is off, but I just wanted communication). Firstly, she wanted to meet on Tuesday for a talk. I agreed. But later, my "anxiety" wanted to wrote her. I asked her "Will we meet to break up?". She said that her head is in chaos, that she doesn't know what to think... Long story short she said that she thinks that this realtionship isn't what she wants. I aksed her why she gave me such earrings then, why didn't she communicate something, everything was suddenly without any sign, hint, communication, anything at all. She just replied that she can hide feelings so good that even someone who really knows her, can't see or sense how she feels at all. After that she wrote that we don't have to meet bcs she said everything that she had. I asked for her adress, went to the post office and packed her book (she lended me) and earrings. on my way home, so heartbroken in milion pieces, she calls me. I answered and I only heard crying. We talked, she told me that she doesnt want to be over, she want to be with me. She asked if we can still meet on TUESDAY, after her psychotherapy (she goes to bcs she wants to get answers, to be a better self, wellbeing etc, and I support that 100% in general). I agreed to meet with her. Again, long story short, that day she went to work (she works from home but every WEDNESDAY she has to work from office), went to therapy, after that we met. She got her answer on that same therapy. She doesnt want me to change for her, I deserve someone better etc. She has a coworker (F) who flirts with everyone, even with her (my girlfriend told her that she is in a relationship). She told me this: if she knew that that girl wants something serious, she would instantly go for her; She gave me earrings out of remorse; Every time after we had sex, she tought how would it be with someone else; there isn't chemistry; she knew for 1,5 month that this realtionship isn't what she wants but she was in a "fight" with herself. She entered new relationship fast, when she wasn't ready. And at the end, she said that I'm intense like I give her beautiful emotions, attention and everything, but its too much for her, bcs she is used to a little. And again, I was broken in milion+ pieces. Went home. Tomorrow she wrote me that the book and earrings arrived and that the presents should never be returned. I wrote her that I don't want such a gift from remorse and where does she have the right to write to me when she knows why she gave that gift in a first place. The end went absolutely bad and hard for me, and I think for her too. But I think I am going into depression. It's really hard time for me for several reasons: someone I really loved died at the beginning of this year; I had to pause with my university studying; I lost job and now I'm alone with this hard, so f**g hard feeling I can barely get out of bed in the morning. I'm in betweent: On one side I miss her so much that I want to write her. That breakup happened so suddenly, after beautiful 3 months. I tought she was the girl. I'm thinking about her every second, it hurts so much that I'm not with her anymore, so much grief and sorrow. On the other hand I know I didn't deserve this type of person who can hurt me so deeply like she had, so there is a small amount of anger and huge sadness how can someone hurt me like this and even tell me some things that she could at least keep for herself. She hurt me but I still love her so much, so I dont know what the f is wrong with me. What to do, how to move on, where to go, what to do with this broken heart? Also, I am really affraid that I won't meet and be with any other girl (Im from country where huge part of population thinks that lgbtqa+ is totally wrong, shameful, sick etc). Sorry for this long post, but every comment, suggestion, advice or whatever, would really help. Tnx ā¤ļø