My wife and me are both Indian Punjabi immigrants in Canada. We got married 2.5 years ago. Literally 2 weeks after our marriage, things started going downhill. My family is in London but my parents visit to us sometimes. But her family has been too involved in our marriage and has had problems with everything about me. This was arranged marriage and they were happy with me before our marriage but I am confused what happened that they don’t like everything about me. My wife gives preference to her parents than me like they are still her family and I am stranger so of course there is conflict. For over two years we have been fighting non stop. Her mom has even been verbally abusive to me on occasions.

I want a divorce and I know my wife hate our marriage too. But we are both forcing it. The primary reason is that what are we going to do after divorce. For south asian, with conservative Punjabi families and desi social friends life will be over for us and we will be shame to our families. We will have to leave our lives. Can anyone give advice?

Gonna an aneurysm my mom is visiting. Literally been arguing everyday…

1. She talks down on my career and my goals and dreams. She always thinks I will fail and that I didn’t choose a career that makes loads of money. She told me not to aim so high because when I fail I’ll be disappointed. Why does she not support me …

I literally take care of all of the house paper , work, mortgage, phone bills, insurance. My mom is not literate in English so I have to do everything. On top of managing my own things. She thinks she’s independent but literally can’t do anything on her own . She can’t even stand correctly going up the escalator or pick things up. I tell her to exercise so she has better mobility but refuses because she said it’s too much work!ugghhh

2.She always thinks she’s right and everything has to be done her way.

3. She continuously questions my income and my job . She doesn’t even know what I want to do or be or what I even studied in school. Even though I told her a thousand time.

I’m so frustrated !

(throwaway account) My APs are fighting right now while I'm studying in my room. I'm unsure how to put this in exact words, but hearing them fight sort of gives me this odd, twisted, almost self-destructive, sadistic sense of satisfaction? Could someone please explain what this phenomenon might be in more scientific/psychological terms? Thanks in advance

I swear ever since I dropped out of med school, they keep making me doubt every decision I made since then.

They hate that I didn’t want to be a doctor and wanted to do sales instead. As of now, I do retail sales at Walgreens and while it isn’t the best paying job, but it’s better than me trying and failing miserably to redo the MCAT at their behest and helps keep me away from home.

Honestly, I hate having to doubt all my decisions just because of their complaining.

Wanted to get it off my chest. An update from my previous emotional post. I wanted to write this with a clear mind. Thank you everyone for your supportive help in the previous post.

I personally have extremely painful periods, not irregular but painful. I haven't been diagnosed with anything and the doctors just waved it off as oh just regular pain.

I love kids, I love playing with them and being near them but that is it. I know that I don't want to go through the childbirth or even take care of my own baby. I like the kid as long as they aren't crying or being bratty. I know I got no patience.

But somewhere in the future maybe just maybe I'd want to adopt, but I don't know as of now. I stand by this, and not wanting to get married from the past 5yrs or so. However, my asian parents think I'm too young (28F) to make decisions like this by myself and that I'm being immature.

My AM recently told me I have no reproduction rights until I'm 40. And she also revealed that they have taken me to get a fertility test when I was younger in my teens in the pretext of my period pain.

I am absolutely disgusted by my own body and my own parents for doing this and even saying stuff like or even thinking about my rights to be in their hands. I'm trying to move away from them and not let them interfere in my life.

The worst is, the thought of having sex and having something pushed inside me down there makes me close to having a panic attack. I don't despise the thought of dating a man or a woman but just the thought of intercourse and childbirth throws me into a panic.

Before anyone asks or assumes, no I have never been SA'ed or had anything related to that. I grew up in a dysfunctional family saw how my parents relationship was. I also growing up saw about 90% of the women I'm surrounded with only stayed because of kids and they wanted kids hence they married a man.

AM clearly stayed because she had two kids and AF clearly stayed because he had a free maid, sex maid and a free will to continue abusing AM mentally, emotionally, financially, a little physically, sexually (forcing himself without protection and shit) and a fake societial defination of family man fame.

Let me tell you my AM is absolutely against adoptions (she believes that adopted kid will always be a stranger and will never take care or tolerate their parents unlike the blood child) and is totally trying to gaslight me into thinking that the 9 month pregnancy is the only thing and it will go by fast. When I asked her, 'what about after birth, what about my health and the baby?'

She asked me back, 'what about it? You'll be fine and if you don't want the baby then just give it to me I'll raise them.'

Honestly, in alternative timeline, if I ever do go though childbirth then I would like to raise my own kid. And definitely not give the kid/s my APs. I do NOT wish to destroy one more life than two already destroyed.

The truth is AP subconsciously don't realize they are jealous of the opportunities their children have in the modern world. They didn't grow up with everything moving so fast, having so much freedom at the tip of their fingers, new faces to talk to and meet all thanks to modern technology. So they project their insecurities onto their children with strict verbally abusive behavior and dialogue masquerading it as “parenting.” The "you're not as smart as your cousin" or "as smart as your older sibling" "do better next time or your X" "don't talk to white person" "you are not allowed to go to X" pep talks they have only plants seeds of resentment, depression, anger and slow growth in children.

Asian parents don't want to put in a positive effort to make you feel empowered because that would mean they want you to be happy and independent. They don't want you to be any of those things. Seeing you laugh at hilarious memes they do not understand, slide into your shoes in a hurry to go eat out anywhere anytime, drink at parties with a variety of other ethnicities, study in the coolest dorms and have so much fun and freedom filled with amazing opportunities pisses them off to the point they wish they developed those life skills growing up.

So they will do things like lock the doors at night so you do not get in because your night life adventures reminds them of their boring traditional disciplined asian adolescence. They didn't get to stay up until dawn in their home country because they were told it was a careless way to live. Studying and work were more important. They also might have had strict AP parents who never raised them to assimilate, despite immigrating to the western world. They couldn’t stay up late and kiss the girl or guy that gave them butterflies in their stomach because they knew their AP wouldn't approve of them. They are also afraid you are out socializing with or maybe dating the "white person" and they do not want you to have white friends or white in laws because it scares them to learn English to survive socially when they are with you and a "white partner" will not live with their asian mother and father in law.

Your AP were raised on one country one language and modern lifestyles go against this. So locking the house at night arguing about "where you were" or "this house isn't a hotel" etc. will make your modern social life a daily face palming headache so down the road you eventually end up with only asians. This strict conditioning also secures their retirement home you will call your house someday when you are older. Your AP can retire without mixing or assimilating with anyone non-asian because that might cause or force them to act independently which they never learned to do as a child, teenager and adult.

Growing up they were taught to speak one language, study six days a week, sleep at school, instead of experiencing the intoxicating thrills and fears of being independent. "Be part of the group" "Do good for the country!" "I hope you get rich!" they were told over and over. So they had to start studying, working, and helping the family before they could mold into the kind of person they wanted to become. Teen years were full of studying for this one exam so they can graduate at a top school and earn a top salary 996 job that comes with a lot of money, but it stole the best years of their life in their 20s and sadly gave them poor eating habits, sleepless nights and now they have poor health they cant reverse and a nagging spouse they never really loved because she or he was selected by their AP.

All of this freedom you so effortlessly practice in the modern world subconsciously also makes them afraid of their own future so they need to rule over your life with an iron fist and control every aspect of your social life and how it intertwines with your academic and/or work life. When it’s protested they call it "discipline" "looking out for your best interests" and "protecting you" when it does the exact opposite.

If your AP show love its really about securing their future. They only give you an inheritance to help you financially buy a house so they can weasel their way into living with you forever. You’ll be miserable taking care of them and have to deal with uninvited family members visiting at a seconds notice and more toxic parental abuse. They will hear you did an amazing job at work but compare you to some other asian kid or cousin and add lines like “how come they are not paying you more money then?” just to steal the joy you had from that moment of progress and make you feel like a failure. You can argue back but being surrounded by people who think and act like your parents only makes you fight a losing battle. You can't even be the king or queen of your own castle when you are an adult.

So do not take anything AP say or do seriously. They are adult children who subconsciously wish they grew up with the opportunity of choice and the luxury of freedom that comes along with it that you have right now at your very finger tips. Deep down they are scared of the change independence brings. As disciplined as AP say they are doing anything out of their traditional old fashioned asian comfort zone frightens them.

They only see you as an investment they can brag about to other AP. Its why they impose unrealistic goals like always finishing first in class, earning the highest exam score, become the youngest person to ever be hired as an X, a college record holder, getting the best paid position at the company so you can get the best car the best wife and own the best house.

News flash the grim reaper is coming for you some day and no asian old folk tale or a money deity will stop him. Your framed degree on the wall, trophy's, and bank account your AP brag about to other AP will not save you when you are having a heart attack or stroke. I am not saying do not work hard in life, but doing a high stress salary man 996 job or choosing any career just for your AP approval, the money and the prestige will rob you of your happiness and health. Your boss who made you work +60 hour weeks will not be at your funeral. You are just a number helping them buy a yacht and get in forbes magazine. The car dealer you made happy buying their brand new luxury car, that goes down 40% in value as soon as you drive it off the lot, will not come visit you at the hospital. Your co-workers who you spent more hours with than your kids will maybe send a card, but they are gunning for your now vacant better paying job. Your expensive AP approved wife/husband will quietly be thinking of dating and sleeping with another asian in the same bed you slept in, before your corpse starts to rot.

In closing DO what you want live your life on your terms not your AP. Do it now before you are fifty something years old sleeping next to someone who owns half your stuff annoys the shit out of you, worst of all makes you feel more lonely when you are surrounded by people who only associate with you and talk to you because you have a prestigious job, nice house, nice car, eat asian food, celebrate asian holidays, work with asians, and live with your AP.

EDIT wow thanks for so many views I hope this does not get deleted again.

My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago as his parents did not approve of our relationship and caused some disagreements. He started pulling away.

My (30F) ex (35M) recently broke up with me because his parents did not approve us dating. We were friends for a couple of years before we started dating. He was basically one of my best friends and partner, I really thought I hit the jack pot. I wanted him to fight for me but I guess I didn’t react well to the situation either. He’s a great person but sometimes I wonder if he truly knows what he wants or maybe he does and that is just not me. I can tell that he likes me a lot but I don’t think that he is able to move forward or rekindle without his parents approval. Things that happened between his parents and him also did cause a rift in our relationship. On one hand, I would like to move on and I think that relationships should not be that difficult. On the other, I think we have had a really good history until this and it’s not as easy as have a friendship this natural with your partner. Any advice (especially from a male’s perspective)? Feeling really conflicted. He said he is unable to commit if his parents do not approve and he said that it’s nothing to do with my personality but basically because of my upbringing and family situation. They no longer want to meet me / get to know me further. I am heartbroken and still hoping to reconnect but I have no idea what to say. I guess I thought that he will always have my back no matter what but I am now doubting that as I am feeling quite hurt.

Ever since my dad passed away, my family has been on top of me to take on life responsibilities like household and finances. But I'm only in my mid20s,I don't even have my life toghter. First of all I don't even have any education qualifications, no skills, not even a job and I'm not driving because of stupid fear and anxiety. I feel like I'm continuously living in victimization mindset because I'm so old but based on my age. I'm not performing at certain level like my peers and cousins are. They are some settled while others working on building a career. They all have the basic goals of proper job, shaadi then kids and settling down. I know in our culture this is how most of us are raised. But sighs, I'm struggling so much to find my purpose. Biggest insecurities I have is that I don't have education nor the relevant skills job demands nowadays. I'm tired living in fear and anxiety. I really wish I can come out of this rut. Don't have any support system and not guidline in life. And fulfilling their expectations is making me feel overwhelmed. I wish I was just this strong courageous intelligent driven person

Ive told my parents about my mental health struggle and that i cut back in october , but they didnt care and just yelled at me . Didnt even care to hide the razors.. my mom literally has depression.. This is so fucking annoying, i have given them so many hints and even directly told them but they dont care. im not getting the attention and help i need, im just met with everything but love . its like im just a burden to them. i hate asian parents , i wish i was born in a white family.. Anyone else like this?

Just got 24. Since the age of 22, I made many improvements by finally taking more control of my life but people still see me as innocent, without lots of life experiences.

I went against my parents wishes by quitting nursing school, having a one year break, doing various jobs, going to the gym, participating in various projects, exploring the city....then getting a boyfriend and doing stuff without them knowing. Now I'm back to school and have a new circle of friends (not that close but still cherishing that). I live alone in an eldery house in exchange of volunteering. Before that, my parents would give me a 9PM curfew and spam calls so thx god I found this opportunity.

So all of those made me improve socially so much and even people around me highlight this good change and self improvement journey. Still Parties and huge groups are a huge struggle and anyways i'm not really into those...but i can definitely have a good time with people in general.

Still...sometimes people give me some remarks and it makes me feel behind. There was even my bf's bff asking him if he was scared of me quitting him to explore sexually since I don't have lots of life experience wtf (no worries bf defended me). Some people (Most likely Caucasians) make that remark that I don't have most experiences or that I'm somehow odd because I'm calm (when i'm not that bad socially?). It's as if you had to sleep around/be super extroverted/drink/party to be considered normal to them.

It's been 2 years since I know my bf and I feel guilty for all those lies to my parents. Now i'm planning to tell them gradually 🤦🏻‍♀️. Ik that they'll kill me cuz he's caucasian and don't have a high salary or status but oh well. There will be tension for a while and it's going to be fine hopefully.

Also for skills, no matter how I improve, I feel like I'm behind for my age. The stress is high everytime I learn something new. My confidence is low because of how my parents raised me by making me guilty everytime I didn't do something that they wanted when I was younger. They imoroved because I'm now an adult but i'm the person with the lowest self esteem, and level of stress I know around.

It's just...I feel like I don't belong to any community and feel like I have to carry this burden til I die. As a kid of a first generation immigrants parents, it's like I can only hope that my kids will adapt better to this society than me.

My mom has done the silent treatment/icing me out thing since I was a child. However I am in my mid 20s now and seeing this behaviour feels unbelievably immature. My mom has a tendency to be judgy and make snide remarks sometimes. It has always irritated me especially when it has nothing to do with her. Lunar new here recently passed as many of you know and I knew after receiving a red pocket from my boyfriends mom and seeing the amount, my mom would have something to say about it. Of course I don’t care, the amount is not important and my boyfriend’s mom is very sweet and has always been good to me - that’s what is important. My mom repeatedly asked me if I received a lunar new year red pocket from her, after the third time, I was like “yes she did. i’m going to bed now, goodnight.” and ended the conversation there. The next morning I was downstairs making myself breakfast when she comes down, almost giggly, like something is funny being like, “(my bf) mom only gave you that much? that is sooooo cheap! Vietnamese people really are so cheap.” This annoyed me, because 1) this is exactly why I didn’t want to talk about it and 2) she went out of her way to go snoop in my room when I wasn’t there and locate the red envelope (which is not visible at all from the doorway) and open it without my permission. So I said, “so what?”, clearly a little irritated. She says “I’m just saying!” as if she didn’t think it was hilarious and made a rude remark. I said “Well don’t say it to me. Who told you to look anyways? It doesn’t belong to you.” She gives me a dirty look and starts ignoring me. Silent treatment has begun. Later on, I hear her whispering to my brother about how cheap it was and how I got annoyed at her for “just mentioning it”. I go out a few hours later, and she is selectively talking to me now but in an annoyed tone (Where are you going etc.) When I said goodbye (twice) though, she just stood there and stared at me. Fast forward it is now the next day and I thought we are over it. I say good morning and she ignores me, but again she selectively talks to me (e.g. give me your cup etc.) While it’s not full on silent treatment now (I’ve been subjected to full radio silence for several days before) it’s still so frustrating to witness this behaviour and how childish she can act.

I’m 25 and working my first job while living at home (I don’t make enough yet to move). For context, I graduated college 2 years ago, and while my dad never forced me, he has repeatedly asked me about pursuing for a masters. To which, I have always said not now, I want to work and relax in life for a bit first. He hasn’t pressured me beyond that, but instead he started telling me to “do some certifications” in my downtime to upskill, even though I just don’t want to do any of that for a couple of years.

Last year after I ended my job hunt and got my first job, I learned through a family member who is pursuing grad school about a program which interested me, and I then mentioned it to my parents in passing. At the time, I was just talking about it as a future prospect, something to explore in like 2-3 years. But I guess both my parents thought that I was actually serious about pursuing it right away, because they coaxed me into applying for the program, even after I pushed back and said it’s not the right time. I just felt pressured, and I really regret even bringing it up. Even when I point blank told them that I am not ok and not mentally ready and crying, I want to prioritize my mental health before jumping back into school, they tried convincing me by saying I can “do both at the same time” and that I’m “just not managing my time well”. My dad then told me how his family forced him to do a masters when he was a kid and he reacted just like me, but now he is doing well, as a way to tell me that I’m in the same situation he was. It’s all frustrating.

They keep insisting that I have a choice and can do what I want, but it doesn’t feel that way. If telling them that I am not ready and crying about it in front of their face wasn’t enough to make them stop badgering me about “you should do this” and “you should do that”, idk what will.

I told my parents before I started grad school that I will try a semester to see how I enjoy it since they said I was quitting before even knowing, but I kept insisting that it was a trial, and that I can quit at any time. They say yes to these things, but then I hear them making plans to attend family functions and saying that I can’t attend since I will be busy with schoolwork and my job, without bothering to ask me about if I can manage it and how I feel. Just speaking for me.

My dad told me what major to do in college, not me. I felt like I never got a chance to comprehend the direction I wanted to go in. The most I could do was fight to choose my minor and some specific classes.

After enduring 3.5 weeks of this, I have determined that I am indeed not ready or willing to continue for now. But I’m scared to tell them, because I don’t want my dad to sit me down again and say to “give it another couple weeks”. I don’t want to endure that irritating conversation again. But I feel guilty telling them at the same time since they are funding my education and allowing me to live with them, and being supportive of me as I’ve been enduring this first couple weeks of classes like buying me foods I like even though I’d didn’t ask.

I hate that my parents told people that I was pursuing grad school since it makes me feel like I have to live up to that expectation, I hate that I’ve capitulated and also told people I’m attending grad school because “it’s what people typically share”. It makes me feel like I have to live up to it, and otherwise il be a failure. And I’m scared il be compared to my family member who is my age who introduced me to the program and who is also pursuing it.

I feel like I’m in a weird spot with my parents. They aren’t super strict on the surface with anything, but I still feel like I didn’t have any agency in a lot of my life’s decisions up until this point. I’m afraid that I’m just scared to alienate my parents by saying “no” to them and not inviting further discussion.

When I tell them that I am not ok, I wish they would just accept that and not push further. Ask me why I am not ok, don’t just say “I understand and I want to help BUT you can do two things at once”. If I say I’m not interested at this time, just accept it. Don’t keep asking me about it over and over and over again.

This has been happening for over a year. I just want to feel like I made the decision to do things. The next time I pursue grad school or anything else, I don’t want to tell them about it. I want to feel like I chose to do it for myself, and not for anyone else. Who cares if it’s not a prestigious school? Who cares if it’s not a “viable” career path? I WANT to enjoy it. Right now, it feels like I’m doing it for them. I hate that feeling.

Hell my mom told me that she didn’t see excitement on my face when I got into the school, funny that she was able to recognize that I guess.

I just want to coast in life for a bit and explore my options. I want the freedom to be lazy. And I want the freedom to pursue whatever interests me.

My parents sought the help of a matchmaker 7 years ago, as this auntie find a successful match for the son of my Paternal Aunt's Business Partner.

The auntie is very boastful and discriminative towards people who don't speak fookien and mandarin. I'm a Filipino-Chinese residing in the Philippines. Fookien is the language we use but the younger generation is not that fluent speaking in both languages. Also she just acknowledges people who have graduated at the top universities. She also discriminates the physical appearance of her clients especially the girls if they're fat and they're not pretty. But she commands $2000 for a succesful match which will be paid on the wedding day.

She first tried to set me up with a thin chinese guy must be a nerd based on her description who graduated from the 2nd top university in the country, well-off and whose family are all achievers with the youngest studying to become a doctor.

But I got cold feet up and refused. She even told me frankly that I cannot match up to him because his achievements and he prefers thin girls.

She set me up with other men but they are all unsuccessful. Until I found a match however it just lasted for a year. The guy was only nice from the start but as our relationship progressed he showed his true colors. He is also a graduated from 2nd top university, an achiever all his life however he is lazy, a mama's boy and plays games after work until 3 in the morning. He says stupid to people who wasn't smart behind their backs even to his own aunt. He also told me I was stupid.He is also a pervert and had a relationship with his female friend who is an achiever all her life and a licensed architect behind my back. He would compare to her that she is way smarter.

I ghosted the guy as I couldn't take it anymore. I think he deliberately make me feel unwanted so that I would be the one to break up with him so that he would not look like an asshole.

After that the auntie constantly asked me the reason for the breakup. I am mum about it and decided to keep my silence. Also I don't want to sought her services anymore after an incident regarding my friend's sister whom I referred to the matchmaker. The matchmaker set her up with the a guy 9 years her senior and again graduated from the 2nd top university. My friend's sister rejected the guy, I bet one of the reason is the age gap. Afterwards My friend told me that the matchmakers said hurtful words to her sister inturn told their mom and they stop getting her services.

Now this matchmaker is atill contacting me on viber its similar to whatsapp. She just greeted me today as its my birthday and askin if I already have a boyfriend. By the way she always tells the women getting her services not to be picky or end up becoming a miserable spinster.

I have mixed thoughs if I would like to have a partner or not. I think no guy would want me as I don't have any achievements nor am I smart. They say I am pretty but I had gained weight. I am an introvert and don't possess an attractive aura to be likeable by people. I think it stemmed from the strict and helicopter parenting of my parents. They apply reverse psychology on me. When I do good they don't acknowledge and over criticize when I make a mistake. Constantly compare me to my cousins.

They also told me that no guy would want mw because I am oversensitive. I don't have any good qualities and I will just be a burden.

I'm sorry for the long post 🙏. Thank you and I would really appreciate the advices that tou will give me.

I want to know a lil about others experiences with translating for their parents. When I was younger I felt really smart and 'cool' or maybe even dependable for an adult being. I was 7.

Now I feel dread and wish I was mute every time they ask, I have two other siblings ( older and younger) who aren't as reliable when translating. I've set boundaries that certain things they cannot look for me to translate for them, I will happily translate hospital calls and bargaining deals because 1. It's their health and 2. Just save some money, other things still put me in a bad mood but I'll do it if it's not something crossing my boundary that I've set.

When there are arguments, I overwhelms me. I am a female. I have two brothers that won't be there to help so I always feel really helpless and feel like majority of the argument is my fault, maybe I translated something wrong or said something not in the right tone.

Basically, yesterday a man came over to fix something about the house. When it came time to paying for his work, my ma disagreed on the price and started arguing in her dog shit English with this guy in our backyard so all of our neighbours could hear this or even witness it. I was called out to translate and for some reason my mother started yelling at me and talking over this guy. The guy was trying to take turns and avoided yelling. I think it got to a point where it was too embarrassing and the English and Chinese being thrown my way fucked with my brain. I fucking exploded into tears and had to walk away, it was unprofessional so I quickly apologised to this guy and he had also apologised.

I got nothing from my mother, she watched me with hateful expression and left the house shortly the man left without saying anything to me or checking up on me. Now she's acting like nothing happened when she got home, tried handing me money because it was 'news year' a few days ago which I rejected. Even this morning, she asked if I had ate and then just left.

I would love to hear other's experiences and their feelings on this. Also if anyone has some advice, feel free to share too.

Today Feb 1st marks my birthday. I'm now officially 25 years old, and I'm so glad I have made it through with another year of living with APs. Can't believe the mom who did a C-section (I was born premature) in the year 2000 is the same person who physically, mentally, and verbally abused me all these years -- just didn't hit me. It's been hell and toxic and really sad graduating last year around May with a Master's degree and struggling to land a job in this job market. I was hoping I could move out by June or July 2024 (silly me haha). But I know one day, all my struggles and difficulties will be for something good, which is to move out and start living my life anew. I hope this 25th year is finally the one where I get a sense of renewed confidence, hope, and optimism to find a job I like (to survive) and to move out (so my inner soul can finally do the healing work in a safe space) because my home hasn't and will never be a safe space ever again around the age of 21 when I realized something was off with the way my mom was controlling me and wanting me to be her substitute husband for the rest of her life, and conveniently falling back on filial piety, as if she even did the same to her parents in the first place.

Growing up, I felt incredibly isolated and disconnected. I didn’t have any friends and often faced bullying both at school and at home. Being a lesbian only added to the challenges, making me feel even more out of place. As an immigrant who wasn’t born in the West, I’ve struggled to fit in, and forming meaningful connections has been really difficult due to my low social skills. Most people tend to see me as weird, which makes it harder to open up. I’ve been in therapy but I feel like I need someone to teach me basic social skills and how to connect with people. Like when go out with friends/ co worker who pay for the meal and how to accept/reject/share the pay? I need a mentor in friendship and getting a girlfriend. I don’t know what do you do on a date….professional networking and stuff like that?

While others my age have been hving sex since a teen and sometimes I forget sex exist that people just go out for fun then go home and I don’t even know how to get close to anyone. I’ve spent most of my time alone, working jobs with toxic co-workers and rarely interacting with anyone. I can go days, months, or even years without having real conversations. Sometimes, I’ll say just a handful of words in an entire day, or none at all if I’m not at work or school.

Sometimes when I (24F) get home after spending a day with my partner, my mother's vibes feel so off. She'll be really short with me and very quiet, which is not her usual temperament.

My partner works away for 2 weeks & is home for 1 week after, so I usually spend more time with him when he's home. In the 2 weeks he's away, I'm usually home and even spend time with my mum going to the gym or getting our nails done.

Not sure if I'm reading too much into things or if this happens to other people?

For context, I am a 16-year-old Uzbek girl, first-born in my family. I was just scrolling through this subreddit, when i found myself thinking that these stories were describing my life. Yes, they've used some physical violence, but just because I was naughty and it wasn't something really painful. They always control my life and my choise (clothes, career, school, even movies), but isn't that because they take care of me and know better what is good and bad. Also, even though they don't allow me to watch everything that i want (like anime or detective movies), I still find ways of watching it without their permission. Yes, they always use "I-am-older-than-you-and-you-must-respect-me" arguement when I'm brave enough to express my emotions, but it is true. I thought that it is normal for all families. But, when i started to read all your posts, i understood that it is not. Does it mean that my parents are abusive? Or maybe I'm just exaggerating and seeking you attention? Am I too arrogant to think something like that? Sorry, if I bother you. I just wanted to express my feelings to someone who has some experience. What should I do? I still love my parents. (Also, sorry for my bad English, I'm just learning, and writing this post was a little stressful for me)

I noticed a phenomenal of my parents always arguing Infront of me if I'm around . Idk why but one day I decided to just go upstairs and shut the door , they just stop fighting and make up in less than 1 hour , which is a record breaking timing. Is like they need audience to watch but my brother was there , probably some undisclosed golden child rule ?

There’s a tradition called wawaqin which some ppl think it’s funny joke or they really take that seriously. It means your family get you engaged during their pregnancy or when you’re a baby. How is this shit supposed it be funny anyways? It is creepy asf

This is just a rant to get it out there somewhere. Super long post below.

Living back at home at 26 after a domino of events for the last year showed me just how much I just don’t like my parents, especially my mother. So self-centered, so negative, so obnoxious, so self-victimizing, and so melodramatic. I hate being in her presence and I just get so annoyed at everything she does. She does fuck all at home all day except going grocery shopping where she overbuys and lets food rot in the fridge, all while complaining about the clutter and the mess as if it’s not her own damn fault. Call her out on it? Anger, tears, “you’re a bad child”, “you all don’t appreciate me so I guess I should just die”. Same story with everything else to follow. Complains about cooking all the time, cooks maybe 2 meals (mostly frozen) a week and orders out the rest. Can’t clean up after herself leaving wrappers and dirty dishes out like she’s a child and of course, complains after.

Most of her days are spent in front of the TV on her phone where she spams me all day with facebook and instagram hoaxes and conspiracies. She’s convinced that I’ll get kidnapped or killed and thinks that sending me videos on karate will save me. She’s convinced that eating whatever vegetable will prevent cancer. When I get home from work and sit down to eat? Sits with me just to tell me all of the terrible news she saw that day as if I want to hear about how another person was stabbed (by an -insert race here- person of course) over dinner. She and my father track my siblings and I obsessively and pore over the camera activity all around our house. If I try to run errands after sunset she goes ballistic and sends my father with me because, of course, she doesn’t want to go herself. She complains about being overweight while snacking constantly sitting on the couch, smacking her lips and chewing so loudly I can hear her from across the house. She dry coughs all the time loudly and into the air/in her hand. She chews and chews on her fingers all the time, making a horrid squeaking and slurping noise as she does. I never sit with her longer than absolutely necessary to because the constant mouth noises and unhygienic practices she refuses to believe are an issue send me into an internal rage now.

Every month or so they get into larger-than-usual arguments over something my father has or hasn’t done for her and it always ends the same way. She’s mad at him, takes it out on both of us. I ask her what I did to upset her and everything from the last decade is fair game to her. My siblings and I aren’t happy and talkative like her friends’ kids, my father doesn’t buy her purses like her ex-friends’ husbands, I stay in my room after remote work days to purposefully avoid her, etc etc etc. Goes on to threaten to kill herself and blame it on me a couple of times, throws or slams something down, and sulks in her room until my father and I essentially grovel for her forgiveness and buy her things. It takes a few days and my father is then silently upset with me as well since he’s also upset but is too resigned to living out his life with her to do anything about it. She has always claimed that I seem to hate her, and lately I haven’t cared enough to frantically reassure her like I did in the past. I feel guilty for thinking it, but if she was gone I don’t know if I’d feel more relief than sadness. I don’t know if I’d miss her like she and her siblings miss their mother. She’s a large reason for my relationship with food, my SH history, my “attempt” a few years ago (that no one knows of), and why I haven’t sought help (doesn’t believe in it despite getting help herself, insists I have nothing to be sad about and that I had better not make her look bad to others). I’m at the point where all I feel towards her and my father are resentment, apathy, and anger. If it wasn’t for my financial situation at the moment, my slight desire to keep my relationship with my father, and a feeling of obligation to love and care for my parents I would leave and see them once or twice a year. (I would like to mention here that I am not seeking advice or comments to just move out or save money quickly to move out; I’m trying.)

I keep up a front and go through the motions or acting like I care about her and what she says to prolong the time between her explosions, but it’s never enough.

There’s of course much more but this post is too long already, and I’ll probably post more to rant anyway. Thanks for reading.

Got something too short/insignificant for a full post? Put it here!

I (20F) have been fat the majority of my life and my mom loathes me for it. Thankfully, I had a pretty strong self-esteem and my friends always kept me positive. I love them for it but lately my mom's actions and words are eating at me. She would say mean things and I would spiral but bounce back the next day. That is not happening anymore. For the past few weeks, I have been having suicidal thoughts. This is not like me. I had those thoughts before but I did not mean it. Now, there are moments when I felt like I was ready to let go. I am taking this to reddit because I can not bear to bring this up to my close friends.

Within the last several weeks, I realized my parents views me as an embarrassment. They love me as parents of course but I am not part of their narrative. My mom hates it when people say I look like her. She dislike taking pictures with me because of how I look. She would laugh at me with my other cousins. She sees me as lump of fat rather than her daughter. I used to love being around my mom but now I feel uncomfortable around her. As for my dad, he is similar to me. He has his own problems and he would tune me out. It feels as if he is on autopilot most of the time.

I don't really have anything more to say.

I broke up with the sweetest guy who would have done anything for me. He dropped out of college and he was hispanic. His plan was to do options trading full time and I kept telling him he cant rely on that as a full time career but he insisted he would be succesful. I knew my parents wouldnt have accepted him but I prioritized my love for him over their acceptance. He had the most kind soul and his love saved me from the hole I was in before. We got together when I was 18 and I broke up with him now at 20. I know it was cruel of me to be with him knowing my parents wouldnt accept him but my plan was to leave them for him. I was young and incredibly stupid and living on campus for college. My parents support me financially and have made many sacrifices for me, an experience Im sure many of you are familiar with. I moved back home and started commuting for school this year and that really affected how much time I could spend with him. We went from spending days together to an hour once every 1/2 weeks. He was willimg to do anything to see me but it started feeling dreadful for me. I didnt want to see him in one hour spans we couldnt wven spend quality time anymore. I realized that rhis is how it would be until I “ran away” with him. But I realized that I really dont ever want to cut off my parents because they have done so much for me. I understand that its fucked up of them to not accept him but before he dropped out of school I thought I would be able to win them over. For some other context

• He didnt vote and didnt understand why it was a big deal because “both sides suck” but hes hispanic…………..
• he would say the n word just not around me because of how mad I got. I explained why it was wrong but he grew up saying it so it was ingrained in his vocabulary. Once he said it because it was in the name of a song and he genuinely didnt understand why it was wrong

I still really miss him and regret breaking up with him. Idk do u guys think i made rhe right decision? He was the most loving guy and he never made a single mistake. If he did something wrong he was immediately regretful and willing to fix it. He would cry if he ever saw me cry because he didnt want to see me sad, and it wasnt to guilt trip me. He was so unbelievably good to me and I feel so fucking bad for what I did. I shouldnt have dated him at all considering that we were fundamentally different but I really love him. I dont know how i will ever get over it its been 2 months and I still feel really broken over it because I cant stand the fact that I hurt my sweet boy.

Before I begin I just want to say I'm unsure whether my bad experiences of growing up in asian home are...idk, valid? They're really not as severe as the stuff I read here, or don't seem that way upfront at least, but I feel crippled by the impact. I am a frequent lurker on this sub and I can understand a lot of what you all go through. So let me know what you think. 

Only child, 24F, I have no friends, still live at home. I have completed college but have never had a job. 

I grew up isolated and lonely. I remember my dad being hot-tempered and very busy with work and other responsibilities. My mother has always struggled with all types of mental and physical afflictions ever since I can remember, and has never been able to be there for me how a mother should be. They don't have friends and we aren't close to any of our relatives either. We never did things together like other families of went anywhere. We even took meals in our own separate rooms.

My parents sheltered and overprotected me and affected my ability to socialise normally. They did spoil me financially to an extent but I've put an end to all that now, because I don't feel comfortable asking for more than I need to just get by. Especially since they were only ever willing to spend as they deemed fit, however I may have felt about it.

I remember when I was younger, but not that young, about 13-15, my mother would still be holding my hand tight walking around public places. If I spoke to a stranger she would yell at me. The world is not safe. Everyone is bad. You cannot trust anyone. 

 They not only never taught me important life skills, they actively discouraged me from learning cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, bank stuff, making appointments, using public transport etc. They always told me they will take care of all that, all I need to do is focus on myself, study hard, etc. If I wanted to help, I was either too stupid for it or I was wasting my time and should be studying instead. No one ever took the time to talk to me about or teach me important things. Now they've mellowed out, deny their behaviour from when I was growing up and see me as an incompetent loser.

My life has always been a grey mush of home to school and back home. 0 life experiences beyond that. My parents would just get angry and paranoid if I wanted to hang out with a new friend or explore a part of town I've never been to before. Gradually I stopped asking and confined myself to the four walls of my room for the most part. I'm a little agarophobic currently. In fact for the last 4 years I've been outdoors only 1-3 days each year. I've 0 good memories growing up. I feel like I grew up in a prison. I've spent most of it rotting in my room, being bored, feeling horribly lonely or crying.

I have always been very lonely. I've very rarely felt I can rely on anyone completely, and even that backfired more often than not. I don't feel like I matter. I've burnt bridges with almost everyone I know. Got rid of social media. I don't go outside. I don't exist.

I fell into a sort of living coma since the pandemic. I never had much of a direction or purpose in life. But the pandemic gave me a reason to just let all the complacency in the world take over me, and I felt like it was ok to simply rot away. But this year I've realised I don't want to be like this forever. 

I want to move out, I want my own life, I want a place of my own, most importantly I want to know people, and I want to love everyone and I want to matter to someone. I want to date, I want to be in love. But I don't know how. 

I'm very grateful my parents have agreed to fund my masters which I will start by June maybe. But I don't know how to survive outside. I'm so scared. And I'm all I've got. I'm never rebelled and now I'm terrified of independence. I've to learn everything on my own. I'm slowly coming to terms with all that, the fact that life just goes on, whether you have trauma or bad past experiences, and you must keep up no matter what. And I've fallen so far behind due to my inability to understand this simple thing all this while. Just how do I learn after a lifetime of all the sheltering and damage my parents have done? 

I have no confidence in myself at all. I have crippling low self esteem. I feel like I'll just be scammed and taken advantage of by literally everyone because mentally I'm just an overgrown baby.

 I'm retarded and I have so many fears. I'll get on the wrong buses and trains and always end up in the wrong places. I'll be overcharged when I'm buying stuff. I will keep getting horrible anxiety when I call for doctor's appointments or go to the bank. I'll probably never learn how to drive. I will have constant kitchen disasters until I give up on cooking. I will never figure out how to talk to people without getting awkward, oversharing or being too quiet. And I am sure no one will ever love me and I will die alone. These are some of the big fears I have.  

If you're going to suggest therapy, know that I cannot afford that right now, my parents don't believe in mental illness. Everything I want in life must wait until I finish gradschool and get a good job. But I would much prefer to start working immediately and move out, but I have no skills or contacts and don't know how to find a job especially as someone with gap years and no work experience and in my country. I have no hope for my future unless I do my masters.

so I've posted the second half of the title on this subreddit before so I'll just keep it short; basically my dad got mad at me and yelled when me, an 18 year old btw, so straight up legally an adult, asked to invite friend over in between the time we were going form school to a hotpot place. it was a whole stupid-thing, but let's talk about the first half now;

so my uncle came into town suddenly and wanted to go out and eat; that was fine, actually I love my uncle, he's a gay icon who loves blindboxes as much as I do and I love hanging out with him. my uncle also brought my grandparents over so we'd have a family dinner, totally fine, though I was a little bit like 'eh' with how last minute it was, but that's fine. now what isn't fine is when I get home, I greet everyone and my grandma and uncle are like 'wow you have a lot of pompompurin;' thats fine to say, they didn't say it disrespectfully, just a playful comment- and for context, I have a pompompurin ita bag as my main purse because I love him, and I collect stuff for him all the time

I laugh it off and say yea I like it, and then go to my room to change to go out to dinner- then all of a sudden my dad stands up and insists on showing my grandma my room while I'm walking to it. doesn't ask for a hint of consent to show her my personal space- that's one thing, but the next thing is I tell him straight up 'hey, no, I need to change', and he says, and I quote; 'it'll take 2 minutes, let her see your room.' hello??? wtf??? I not only told you no, I told you WHY, and you not only didn't even ask to begin with, but you continue to insist? and then he shows her my room, which is also full of pompompurin, in an attempt to embarrass and make fun of my hobby. luckily, this story isn't about my embarrassment, it's about how pissed I am at HIM, because he was trying to shame me by showing and telling my grandma look at all the stuff they buy; and you know what my grandma says?

'their money, that's with their money.' THANK YOU grandma!! she also is the one that says 'now let them change,' and goes off on her way. I'm like finally because for fucks sake, why is he trying to make fun of me for having a hobby that I financially manage? I'd love to tell him to his face that he can't make fun of me for having a hobby because his hobby is sitting in the kitchen watching TV and telling us to go get the groceries out of the car then not moving an inch from his slow comics moving across a screen with the same plot that he'll never remember or care about in the end anyways

to top it all off, when I was going to the bathroom and just washing up my hands, fixing myself up, my dad knocks on the door and forces me out so my grandpa can use it instead. we have two bathrooms, by the way, and the other was not occupied. so tl;dr, my dad's still a piece of work as he always is, because for some reason, my enjoyment is his problem? and not to mention, ok, he can claim that 'my friend can't come over because our house is made for privacy,' and yet my room, also made for MY privacy specifically, is a public tour space that he tries to make fun of to guests because 'it's all money wasted,' and money which I earned through hard work, nonetheless

this guy stinks!

I never thought I would said this. But I rather wasting my life on my office desk than having holidays break. My father has to start a drama and I will get blame no matter what. My sister wants to move out and some am I. But my father demand us to pay him household allowance even if we moved out and threat he will throw drama at our place of works if we don’t compiled. Both of my parents did that before during their divorce that they made a sence in the school and college we studied. I will get expelled if wasn’t the principal take pity on me. All I can is trauma dumping on the internet. My father said he gonna charge extra 1000 HKD since the food price is raising. And my sister blame me for that because I don’t want to go a dim sum restaurants with him after having a massive diarrhoea. My sister claims she couldn’t afford that after spending a month in Canada. And I may just have to foot in the bill for the time being. Man, wtf is wrong with me. I missed typing word file and excel spreadsheet in my office broken ass computer. I can’t find interest in anything that my friends drag my ass to Ocean Park (I used to like Ocean Park) but I just couldn’t find any joy or strength to feel sad at this point.

For context, my dad and I have never had a good relationship. As a child he has always pressured me to study and his standards were always too high to reach. His parenting style has always been authoritarian and considered tiger parenting, where he was the one that was aloud to berate me, make me scared, scream and yell at me, while I'm forced to keep quiet, listen, never talk back, never express any negative emotions or differing opinions or he would scream at me to shut up. I've always walked on egg shells around him. He has yelled at me countless times for situations I cant control either and has thrown bowls in the house out of rage. Naturally I have a ton of resentment towards him. In my eyes he was never my father, but an immature abusive asshole who is selfish and doesn't give a shit of how his actions make others feel, on top of that little to no patience. He craves all the authority and demands respect but doesn't give respect the same way.

Now, this is what happened that caused him to beat me. I lied about something minor, because I was afraid. I lied about texting someone he told me to, I said I did but i didn't. I admit it was wrong of me to lie but in the moment I was so scared I did it instinctively. He lost his shit and started screaming at me, and I got so fed up I screamed back for the first time. I told him there's a deeper reason why I never tell him anything and why I lie to him at times. He lost it and started punching me, kneeing my stomach, and pulling my hair. My mom had to come in to stop him. He screamed that I wasn't aloud to argue with him and said to "leave everything I learned at school" because he is always right. I found this incredibly ironic because he pressured me to study so much in school but lost it once I made reasonable arguments. What I found even more disgusting is that his favorite trait of mine is that I always "listen to him". I'm really struggling now with what to do. I cant move out, I'm a minor. I don't know how to cope with these feelings nor figure out what I should do around him. I'm really scared and have constant anxiety when he is home. I want to figure out what I can do to regulate/soothe myself.

Now I know this has been discussed a little in this sub before but I guess I wanted to be able to share my experience and hear from others, particularly those who still live close to family.

For context, I always knew once I got my first full-time job, I’d want to have my own place - it’s too crowded at home, I want to live close to work/fun stuff to do vs. the suburb my parents live in, and not be pressured to go to church (I have Catholic parents). Plus I’m in a long term relationship so they’d never let me stay over at my boyfriend’s place. I got a job in the same metro area but live 20 minutes away.

I’ve decided that perhaps at least 1 a month for 1-2 days on the weekends is enough for me to handle visiting, with the exception of occasional other events/errands popping up. But I think they’d like me to visit more often, which I feel guilty about. I think it’s exacerbated by the fact that I have a sibling who also works around the same area as me, and she chose to stay with them so ofc they bring up that as a comparison :/

I do think I should put an effort to maybe call them in between visits, as my mom does text me every 1-2 weeks so I could probably have more in-depth convos/actual calls with her, plus my grandma is a part of our household, so I do want to keep in regular contact with her. But at the same time, I personally feel comfortable with the rate I visit them so it could just be pressure.

I’m definitely curious to hear others thoughts on this situation? As well as others’ experience managing time spent with your family if you’ve moved out?

FED UP in all caps with my grandma who won’t evolve with the times! She doesn’t get that my eldest uncles (her son) is nothing but a menace! He’s an extreme narcissist and has even pushed her and verbally abused her multiple times but she keeps making a gazillion excuses for her bad behavior and constantly feels indebted to pampering his inflated ego all the time. My mom and her sister who have gone above and beyond to provide for my grandmother (their mom) have been ill treated and side lined when all she does is depend on them for her basic living needs/shelter/healthcare/expenses. Her son visits once in a blue moon and somehow he’s the prized possession. I was infuriated this time more than the past but I’m also fed up of how many times I’ve witnessed her trying to impress him and his family (his equally narcissistic wife, daughter and daughters husband). This time when they visited my mom’s home she decided it was a good idea to give my uncle and his family visiting a “ house tour”.. showing them all our rooms and bathrooms. Like what is this behavior ???? None of us even consented to this. My mom was at work and dad was hosting them but didn’t want to be rude so he didn’t make a scene. This behavior is simply unacceptable and I really don’t get why the older generation APs have this mentality. I know this shouldn’t affect me but this sense of disgust towards my grandmother and her behavior stems from a series of repetitive instances of her misbehaving with my mom and not acknowledging her constant efforts.

P.S this uncle even shut his doors and didn’t respond to me when I needed a place to stay in the same city he lives as I got a job there during the pandemic. I was a girl alone in a new country in my late teens looking to make a life for myself. I’m so grateful and shoutout to my university friend who convinced his cousins to let me stay with them and share rent. I’m so grateful for friends are more family than family is family. IYKYK.

Lastly more than angry I’m very hurt that despite confiding in my grandmother about my experiences with my uncle and his behavior on multiple occasions, she chose to dismiss my emotions and struggles to fan her son’s ego and narcism.

Not to get all deep but how are such people even progressing in life despite ill treating everyone else around them?? I’ve asked the rest of the family their opinion and no one thinks highly of his behavior and manners.