I literally live in accommodation half an hour away from home and not only do they visit at least once a week an text/call daily, they give me a 10pm curfew (I just lie), want to track my location using Find my iPhone and set up a camera in my room so that they can see me. All things done in the name of love and care for my safety. At the moment I’m trying to use all kinds of excuses like the dodgy wifi won’t let the camera connect. But it’s just madness really. They keep saying I have something to hide when really I just want freedom and privacy. People ask me why I don’t just commute for home and I’m like where do I even start

Hey folks! I’m running a short anonymous survey about your experience with mental health services. Especially I want to gather insights on what works, what doesn’t, and what might help improve services in the future.

Whether you have used mental health services or just considering doing it, your feedback is valuable.

Please express your opinions in this form: https://forms.gle/jcZtT9ov2Yo8Fp9o9

It takes less than 5 minutes to complete! Your input is much appreciated!

Peace ✌️

I was browsing instagram and was looking at these 20 something year old halloween parties that were last weekend. And all the girls were wearing sexy outfits-you know the lingerie-playboy, one was wearing clear saran wrap as a costume-a 2 piece outfit like a tube top and a mini skirt-if my AP saw that they would call me a whore.

I didn't necessarily have any friends to get an invite to and even if I did get an invite I wouldn't have been allowed to go at 22 because I was still living at home and my AP wouldn't have never allowed me to -you know because guys were also going to be there.

Later on when I was older -the only other halloween parties that I ended up going to was my older bro's and his wife's friends -but it wasn't the same type of halloween party I would have liked to go with my own peer group if that makes any sense.

Writing this around 1:48am or started writing it at least and I am just sad with guilt that I couldn’t be the golden only child they wanted to be in regard to being a doctor. Being a medical student is hard, boring, and the most unfulfilling thing I have ever done yet a part of me feels sad to let it go or to change course. I thought I could go on autopilot my whole life and not have to change a thing, but I realize if I don’t change course, the planes going down.

My only fear is that changing course will make my life worse and prove my parents right and that’s something I don’t want. I would hate to go through life knowing I fucked up and should have just listened to my APs. At least if I became a doctor and still ended up hating it, I could blame them for ruining my life, but if I made my own choice and chose a different path to end up hating it, I could only blame myself and that is by far a terrible fear of mine.

Sometimes I wish I had a sibling just so I could be the black sheep of the family and not have to worry about all the attention on me to be a “star” in their eyes. At least if my sibling was the golden child, I could have all the attention away and just do what I wanted to do without no feeling of being watched behind my back.

I also feel a pang of guilt on the idea of moving out and being far away from them even though I know it would be unhealthy to stay. When I was staying at home, it’s usually an argument or dead silence of anger, I still couldn’t tell you what’s worse. I guess that expectation of taking care of your parents in their old age really rings true in Asian culture, but if I am being honest, I don’t want that for me.

I hate having to have to deal with my APs on a regular basis, but when they’re old with many health problems and other such things, NOPE. I would much rather pay a caretaker at that point. It’s funny, they said they would go to India if I planned to move out far away since they see no point in staying and a while a minor part of me felt bad, I wouldn’t see them in the US again, another major part of me was honestly relieved.

If I ever do start a family, I want it to be one where I treat them a lot better than my family did and just break this toxic cycle.

My birthday is in November. My sister lives in another state and drives down every year on my birthday. She only comes down once or twice a year to visit.

I don't get along with her. She is extremely arrogant, disrespectful, cranky, insulting and ends up throwing tantrums and yelling at everyone. Yes, she is an adult. After a particularly bad birthday last year where I ended up in tears, I decided I'm not spending my next birthday around her.

My family is now angry at me because I told them that I don't want her to come. I just want to be happy on my birthday.

What do I do? Suck it up and just spend time with her?

What is in Asian culture that produces so many self centered, status driven, narcissistic parents ? I used to think my parents cannot be narcissistic but when I look at signs of narcissistic parents lo behold they match 80% of characteristics. What's even more shocking 80% of people in my community exhibit the same traits - so it is hard to notice. How can so many people be selfish and void of emotions ? so much so they are actively harming their children (even if they don't notice it).

https://www.cnbc.com/2022/09/05/a-psychologist-shares-the-signs-of-a-narcissistic-parent-its-a-toxic-way-to-raise-your-kids.html

Looking for advice 👀

I have awful narcissistic parents who are totally shameless. I want to move out but I know they’ll cause a whole scene and tear the world down to gaslight me and scare me into going back. I am worried they will come to my workplace and shout and threaten me, or they will hunt me down in public etc. I really feel paranoid. This is the worst situation. It is so incredibly toxic at home but if I try to leave they will cause a riot. Basically they’ve got me exactly where they want. They can be as abusive to me and I can’t complain or else they will get angry and victim blame me and gaslight me into thinking I deserve it. I need to leave. Anyone else have similar experiences? How do you deal with this intense fear knowing your crazy parents would put you through hell for it? They don’t want me to live happily at all. They say they love me and care about me, but their actions prove otherwise. I feel extremely torn and hopeless

Parents expect me to repay them after I graduate from nursing school. My mom expects me to me to take on their debt. They expect me to pay off my brothers debt too.

They control every aspect of my life. Like they don’t allow me to leave the house unless it’s for school and work. They don’t allow me to have any friends. They take all my money. I’m not allowed to spend my money without their permission. They rarely let me use my money because they use it to pay bills. Since I’m in my last semester of nursing school I’m not able to work for a couple for the last few months. So now I don’t have money.

They said they expect me to start helping paying off their debt as soon as I graduate from nursing school. I’m not allowed to date or move out until I pay off their debt and take care of them.

Im tired of hiding, controlled and being isolated from living my life. They make me feel so guilty about not helping or paying them right now. They talk about being abandoned by their family and don’t want me to abandon them.

I’ve been having chest pains and experiencing numbness on my left arm for the past few weeks. I didn’t think it was that serious at first but today the chest pain was starting to get a little unbearable. I went to my mom and she just got mad and yelled at me shouting what was she supposed to do about that. She was complaining why that was her problem, and I told her she was a bad mom for that, she ended up slamming the door in my face. Like I don’t really understand how to feel I just don’t get how someone can treat someone that poorly, especially someone who’s their own daughter.

So I (16F) was asked to hang out at a school friend's house with 4 other girls tonight. Inside the house, with their parents there. AM doesn't like them for any particular reason. Said friends have been to my house once, I gave her notice, and she was passive against me going there making excuses such as 'it's too far away' (15 minute drive), and I don't know why she doesn't like them. One of my friends is quite masculine and my AM doesn't like that, but I am okay with it so I'm not sure why it's a problem and why AM doesn't like my school friend group. She said I couldn't go because she 'doesn't know the people', and attempted to convince me that they weren't really my friends.

However, AM has certain friends of mine that she absolutely adores, and always encourages me to hang out with them; usually friends from outside of school. I love those friends don't get me wrong but sometimes I do want to hang out with friends from school. Does anyone have any advice on this persuasive/biased parenting about meeting friends?

Sounds harsh but it's how I feel. I wasn't planned so it kind of explains my AMs lack of anything towards me. APs moved to NZ but never assimilated. AF died a few years ago of gastric cancer, won't be surprised if it was from AM's constant nagging and insults. The smallest thing and I have to solve it; not even an attempt to help herself first. If I won't help and try to get her to do it herself I get told I'm ungrateful, selfish, useless and she wouldn't have anything use for me if she knew English. She will believe what a "relative" tells her over anything I say. Both APs neglected me growing up but she expects me to be there for her and show her empathy. She won't even fly back alone to visit family because "she won't know what to do at the airport ". She's uneducated, pitiful and lonely (her own doing) and makes no attempt at bettering herself or contributing to society. Sad thing is, she's probably going to outlive me. I'll probably die of stress related problems like my AF. I've realised that ugly, pathetic, hateful people outlive most.

I had a horrible fight with my parents the night before they have to leave to go back to their country . Some context before, we fought and I set up boundaries that I will not do anything to them anymore and will ignore them until the day they leave. My interaction with them has been very minimal. But to protect myself, I stop eating, talking and cater for their needs. As the oldest, I had to take care of everything and try my hardest to please my parents while my younger brother doesn’t do anything. Long story short, my brother took my parents side even though he told me he hate them and we will move out when has money. Went back against his word and basically become their sweet son while I am the scape goat for all the issue that happened in the family. They blamed other people for how I acted and asked me have I been doing crack, cocain and any type of other drugs for me to talk to them like that cause I was not like that until now. I am 25, I feel like when they tell you at this age, your frontal cortex start developing, you start realizing and understand things. This is exactly what is happening to me now. My mistake was trying to explain to them and open my heart about my struggles hoping they will understand TWICE ( I know, stupid of me). But at least I tried, confronted them about everything, they always bring back things like “ we raised you” and “we know how you are, you were never like this” and “we are a family, why can you let it go. I can do why can’t you” STFU, I’m not you, don’t even try. They said when they asked me to do something, you keep telling your brother to do it. I have been doing it for years and y’all can’t even handle that for one month of dealing things with my brother who is a full adult (M21). Told them I was depressed when I was young and I am going to therapy right now to heal from the thing they did. They said it’s my fault, I keep small things inside for too long and you don’t know how to let it go. Well, that’s it y’all, the end of the show, the end of a relationship I wish I could have with my family.

PS: I am just ranting to feel better, feel kinda numb, angry and also think the whole situation is a joke. Am I going crazy? Not sure, I’ll ask my therapist lol.

Sorry for some grammar and punctuation issues, I am going through too much negative emotions to care about it

Yep. My AM ate the bare minimum earlier in the day and gave me her food. She insisted on it and said she wasn't hungry.

We went to a cafe later in the day where she didn't want to order anything except for a hot chocolate.

Now she's hungry and being angry at us.

She's a fucking adult?? Does she want me to feed her? Should I be coaxing her using baby talk to eat? "Googoo gaagaa, mommy pls eat or you'll be hungwie later uwu??"

Like??? If a sane fucking human or even a child will search for food and water if hungry and thirsty. And there's something called food delivery. Or she can cook instant noodles. Or just say "Hey, do you want to go out and grab some food?".

You know what she's choosing to do? Throw a tantrum because she's hungry, as an adult, with money and the ability to drive (she has a car too).

I swear, APs are fricking toddlers in an adults body that want to be babied by their own kids.

EDIT TO ADD ON: I also asked if she wants to eat something when we reached home a few hours ago but she said no. What the f does she want?

To any APs reading this: Overly strict and controlling parenting doesn't teach your child anything except becoming a sneaky and manipulative person to get around your controlling ways. I learned to lie to my AP at a young age because of the immense pressure and demands they put on me. I told them whatever they wanted to hear as long as it kept me out of trouble and made it look like I was obedient while continuing to do whatever I felt like. This behavior carried into my adult years where it's had a profound negative effect on me. I can tell a lie like its the truth and people will believe it, but as an adult, behavior like that will come back to bite you. Yet I'm so used to doing it growing up that its extemely hard to change. Parents, please do your kids a favor and stop being so controlling. If not for now, it may very well save their futures.

I really hate the word “family”. It’s like everytime they say the word “family” or “Grandparents” I have to drop everything and including when I am injured I have to come see them.

I’m 24/F with Korean parents. We do not get along, we are constantly fighting every single day. They’ve always been extremely toxic despite their efforts to try and say otherwise… they are always misunderstanding me, not listening to a word I say, fat shaming me to no end and won’t let me have my opinions among many other issues. They help me financially, which I am very grateful for. I never say I’m not, but they fail to see that as their rage gets the better of them.

Yet they constantly threaten to cut me off financially the second I “disobey” them. Feel like any purchase they willingly make for me because they “love” me is a trick because they use that against me when we fight and say I’m an ungrateful child when all they’ve done is support me. They are incredibly hardworking as well, but I can’t fathom ever being near them again once I eventually move out. They never EVER consider my feelings and I’ve known from a young age, they will not change and will always be screaming at me etc and I’ll be enduring this emotional abuse for a long time. They always say they can’t wait until I make money so I can spend it on them and that I have to give as much as they have in my life when I’m able.

I’m not in a place financially where I can move out, but once I’m able - is it possible to go no contact with your own family? Especially Asian families? It’s so intertwined in Asian culture that I feel it’s difficult to. Anyone who has been through this any advice and how to start the process in small ways? If I can’t go no contact; I’m thinking very minimal contact like once every 3-6 months. In terms of financial help, I’ve considered sending them x amount each year if it comes to that as I do love them and am thankful for them for taking care of me.

EDIT: I live in the US, I’m Korean American - parents are your traditional, conservative Korean parent type

In the West, do doctors ask "Where are your parents?" when you go for medical treatment, and you are 21+? Then when I refused to answer, the doctor got offended and refused to treat. If the doctor wants to ask this question, they should ask if it is even safe with being your parents, but he didnt ask me this question, and I think he assumed my parents are caring and loving and supportive. But, in reality, I cannot discuss any medical choices with my parents, because they are the ones who want to decide my body and dont even think of the risks of any medical decisions they make for me. I was kinda traumatized because it seems to indicate that I need to ask permission from my parents, when it is my body. I complained to the regulatory board, and they said it is normal history taking. I'm thinking to like further explain that this question alone is traumatic if the patient is in abusive household, meaning seeking treatment in itself is a cause for concern because if their parents know they would physically or mentally abuse the patient, so I am not sure how the doctor's question is related to the patient seeking treatment. I'm just too upset right now. I cant even be free from AP while seeking medical services. This was an Asian immigrant doctor so if the regulatory board cant help me, I'm 100% scared and avoiding all immigrant doctors. Fck I sound xenophobic...

To all desis worldwide and people celebrating Diwali on Thursday Oct 31st, I wish y'all a very happy Diwali! 🪔I know life for you while living with Indian parents right now can be difficult and I hope that on this auspicious new moon, the lightness of the diyas (oil lamps) illuminate the darkness of the troubles and situations that we are going through. The dark times that we are going through will soon be illuminated and be clarified by the illuminating light from the diya as our guiding star, where the diya offers comfort, peace, a sense of calmness, wealth, and prosperity! You guys will survive this and you got this, and may you all achieve success in your life! 🪔🪔🪔

My parents and I have an ok relationship. Most of the time we are happy as a family but they have always wanted me or my siblings to become a doctor or dentist. Both my brothers have something they are passionate for. My parents support both of them to do what they want because they both chose good careers.

I have never really been passionate about anything. They saw this and said I should be a dentist. I have good enough grades (around 95) and they think I have the skill for it. I am in 12th grade and haven't taken a single biology class. I don't know if I like or dislike biology. I have been considering a career as an actuary but my parents constantly tell me about how much I could hate it. They tell me that I will hate any job I pursue and that it would be better to earn alot of money while suffering. They tell me all the benefits of being a dentist and imply that I will be miserable in any other job and that I will come to like biology and dentistry because of the pay.

We have been arguing for about 6 months now and I have cried infront of them numerous times about this topic I am conflicted because I don't know if I truly hate dentistry or not. I think I might just be going against them without thinking it through. They make it sound easy and painless to become a dentist even though I know it's not true. I really don't know what I want. Just thinking about it makes me cry. I don't know what I want to do.

I know that if I start dental school they would never allow me to quit even if I was depressed and burnt out. If I start dentistry and I hate it I will have to suffer as a dentist for the rest of my life. My mother told me that if I graduate dental school and I hate dentistry, I should just suffer because I would in any other job anyway. I am trying to seriously consider what they say to me but I think it goes over my head because of how sad and angry I am at them for not understanding me.

I don't know if I should just listen to them or to do something else but I am so undecided I don't know what to do. I am not set on becoming an actuary. I have researched the job but I have no proof that I would like the job better than dentistry. Also I have seen some parts of dentistry that seem mildly interesting aswell but I don't know what to do. I know that I should do what I want but I don't know what I want at all. I don't think that my parents would hate me or stop supporting me financially or otherwise if I chose to be an actuary but they would heavily discourage me to do it. They have also subjected a double major or a mixed program to me but I feel like that would hinder me if I wanted to go into either field because of how different they are. Sorry for the long post I was crying while writing half of this.

I'm 24 M. There's a saying that goes in society that it's important to forgive your parents the older you get because they didn't know any better, and were using the limited tools that they had, and were raising us based off of what they knew. However, I started to realize that the older I get, the less I actually forgive them.

The thing is, when you're old enough to see how healthy families actually operate, and see how ours operates and compare the two, and see how severely emotionally/mentally stunted our parents are, it's very hard to respect or see our parents the same way anymore. That lack of exposure from 0-18 made me see their behaviors toward me as normal, because all I had was other Asians who grew up the same way as me. I didn't get the scales actually ripped out of my eyes until I was 18 in my freshman dorm, forcing the separation between my parents and I, and seeing how my random roommate was treated by his parents when they called each other compared to how my parents treated me. It's that exposure that makes me less inclined to forgive them, and it shocked me at first seeing how that interaction between my random roommate and his parents were possible lol. The open communication they had, back and forth, sharing things about their day, the good, the best, the bad and the ugly. I could never imagine doing this with my parents.

I'm pretty sure when I get married one day and have kids, and hit the age where they first had me as a newborn, the desire to forgive them will be nonexistent at that point. So for me, ever since 18, my desire to forgive my parents have been going in a downward trajectory. I guess I'm not as mad as I used to be from ages 18-22, but I'm at a point now where I see them for who they are.

What are you guys' thoughts?

Asian daughters are NOT meant to be caretakers for their boomer, ill parents! AP are suppose to let them find romance, get married and have children you know like what americans do.

Me: “Did… did I not physically come out of you?” 🫠 even if I was adopted, wouldn’t a mother choose her child? She’d tell me bc she was older when she got married, she kept praying for a girl and so glad she got her first born, a daughter. And yet, this is just the tip of the iceberg of the treatment of the child that she prayed for… I finally mustered the courage to block her. I was hesitant before bc the last time I did, she was involved in a near fatal accident and couldn’t reach me. But now, I’m hoping that my bro that she dotes on can step up for her

I can't help but speculate my mother seems to be more insane than my friends' Chinese mothers because staying at home to raise me was basically her "career". She spent all the passion that other people usually possess for their careers into controlling me.

This is a terrifying career path to be honest, put all your bets, income and self actualization on your children, who basically you have no control over when they become adults.

Thanks for a couple high paying jobs, I now have the financial means to "retire into" a stay at home parenting "career". That would probably make my mother giddy if I ended up like her.

But the possibility of becoming like her terrifies me so I feel like latching onto a job, any job, to basically not become obsessed over my children. Compared to some of my high income peers who plan to make money, retire early, and raise children.

I’m a 35 year old woman, and yet my parents are acting like they control every aspect of my life, especially when it comes to who I date! I’ve been with my partner for two years, keeping it quiet because I knew exactly how they’d react. And, of course, when they “caught” us grocery shopping, things blew up. Instead of being curious or open-minded, they bombard us with outrageous questions, making the entire thing feel like an interrogation.

To make matters worse, they schedule a formal meeting with my partner only to demand that he stop seeing me. And of course, it’s all because he’s not Korean or even Asian. It’s 2024, and we’re still stuck on this outdated mindset? It’s so hurtful that they would even bring race into this. It’s like they’ve crossed a line that should never have been crossed. Now, my partner is hurt and upset, and I get it! I warned him this would happen, and now it’s just this awful, tense situation I never wanted.

I’m furious. I feel betrayed by my own family. I’m not a child. I should be able to make my own decisions, especially about who I love, without it turning into some racial issue. Honestly, I’m just so done with it all right now.

I swear to god this is what have caused my low esteem and OCD. My mom constantly asking for help but any answer or solution I give, I have to repeat and justify for like 10 times before she actually listens. I'm at a point of just telling her you fucking do it since you seem know all the answers, but then she just go on about how I'm ungrateful child, blah blah blah. 23 years of this and I really feel like this is what cause me to be super paranoid and not confident in anything I do as I feel the need to always triple check anything I do and never be able to be confident in my abilities.

Just found this out the hard way. She's invested in my wedding and such but when I tried to tell her something that happened at work her response was:

"Why did you leave work early, get sexually harassed is not an excuse." "Why are you telling me this, you're 31 now."

This made me realise, but maybe I already knew, that she only has an interest in me to make herself look good but has no vested interest in me as a person (hence her helping with the wedding to look good with the future in laws).

She also confided in me years ago that she never wanted children (but she loves me and my brother tho, which she quickly added).

Am I surprised that this is the exact same relationship she has with HER mum? Nope, but I was kind of hoping it would be different. I suppose in her mind that I have moved out and have my own life, why pretend to be interested anymore?

Ah well, after the wedding it's going to be very very low contact. I want to confront her about this but I feel it would fall on deaf ears.

my mother made a mistake with my father, they separated, she doesn't want him to leave, she is very sad, this affected me a lot, a lot because now she is very depressed and saying she doesn't want to live anymore, I can't stand it , I haven't eaten for 3 days. I'm very afraid of her doing something, I don't want to lose her.

Sometimes at dinner, my older brother would break a dish or glass. As the oldest daughter in an Indian home, it was my responsibility to clean up after my brother.

By age 18, my brother was breaking dishes at least once a week. I didn't mind doing the cleaning because my brother would clean shittily and leave glass all over the place, but I wish my mother would've just shut up and let me clean in peace instead of screaming at me.

To clean up a broken dish or glass, I would use rubber gloves to avoid getting cut. So when my brother broke a dish or glass, I would immediately stand up and walk towards the kitchen to get rubber gloves.

Usually, my mother would start screaming immediately: "DELETED-DESI! WHERE ARE YOU GOING! CLEAN THIS UP!"

I'd try to explain, "I'm going to clean it. I'm just getting the rubber gloves."

But obviously, my mother wouldn't hear a word of that, because she'd be screaming again: "DON'T TALK BACK TO ME! I TOLD YOU TO CLEAN THIS UP!"

I'd get the rubber gloves and start cleaning while my mother howled at me, "YOU'RE RUINING OUR DINNER! CLEAN IT UP!!!"

I’m South Asian and come from an upper-middle-class family. We’re not very expressive in showing affection, but I try to show mine by giving gifts when I find something my parents would like. Recently, I’ve noticed they don’t really appreciate or acknowledge my gifts.

For example, I got them $155 tickets to a famous theater show coming to my city, one I know they’ll enjoy since it’s an adaptation of a movie they like. They didn’t even acknowledge it, and when I asked my dad, he got annoyed and asked why I booked them.

Another time, I brought back two bags my mom had liked from a solo trip I funded myself (I have a full time job and I don’t take money from my family). She didn’t say thanks either.

I’m starting to wonder—am I overthinking this, or is this typical South Asian parents’ behavior? Should I even bother with gifts in the future?

TL;DR: I come from an upper-middle-class South Asian family and try to show affection by gifting things I know my parents would like. Lately, they don’t seem to appreciate or even acknowledge these gifts. Am I overthinking this, or is this typical behavior? Should I keep gifting them?