The 2024 Ace Community Survey is finally open for your responses (with the survey having skipped over 2023)! Most every year the dedicated volunteers of the Ace Community Survey Team collect a large dataset reflecting the composition of online ace communities before publishing the results in shiny reports that provide a valuable source of information for community activists and academic researchers. Note how the survey is somewhat longish but if you can set aside some time to complete it then you will be helping us to understand our community better.

https://acecommunitysurvey.org/2024/06/01/the-2024-ace-community-survey-is-now-open/

Dear Aces (and...italians?) I have baked a Game for you -Princess Vivi (Peach) Okay but seriously, Im making a game a lot like Zelda 1, and I decided the main character is on the Acespec because yall deserve more than the like 3 good ace characters out there 😭. Now, out of a desire to be accurate to the source material, I figured, instead of collecting triangles to save some random girl, what if you were collecting ingredients for a tasty sandwich? My writing skills know no bounds. I have been told the bread of choice is garlic bread, but alas, Ive never had it as anything but a side dish But this begs the question: what is best to make garlic bread into/with? Genuine question, thank you for you help! (Oh and also, if you don't like Garlic Bread, 100% valid, I know its a meme, but also if you feel it doesnt represent you, thats more important to me than a meme for meme sake.🥰)

A Critical Research Glossary for Aromanticism and Asexuality

The following glossary of terminology commonly used within aromantic and asexual communities is written for the purpose of adding more in the way of academic sourcing and critical commentary than is typical for these sorts of glossaries. In so doing, I adopt an essayistic style that I hope will serve as a jumping off point for future discussions.

What are (A)Romantic and (A)Sexual Orientations?

If you have spent any time within aro and ace communities, chances are that you are familiar with the lack of romantic and sexual attraction definitions, but what is attraction, and why define orientations in these terms? This is a surprisingly complex topic.

Psychological States as Motivational States

A crucial starting assumption within behavioural psychology is the theory of psychological states as motivational states, whereby the experience of certain psychological states functions to motivate associated actions. Thirst motivates drinking, hunger motivates eating, etc. Applying this interpretation, psychologists following a behaviouralist bent commonly understand romantic and sexual attraction to comprise the psychological cores of romantic and sexual orientation, respectively. In congruence with this paradigm, romantic and sexual orientations constitute enduring and stable patterns of experiencing romantic and sexual desires for individuals perceived as falling within the sex/gender configuration(s) towards which one is attracted. Surprisingly, however, despite their importance for our understanding of human nature, key terms like romantic attraction and sexual attraction remain poorly defined within the psychological literature. It is oftentimes simply assumed that everyone already knows what is meant by them. The following definitions are thus my synthesis from multiple sources (see writings by Helen Fisher, 1994/1995 and 1998; David Buss and David Schmitt, 1993; Cindy Meston and David Buss, 2007; Sara McClelland, Jennifer Rubin, and José Bauermeister, 2016; Anthony Bogaert, 2004, 2006, 2012/2015, and 2015; Ellen Van Houdenhove, Luk Gijs, Guy T’Sjoen, and Paul Enzlin, 2014 and 2015).

Companionate Attachment: Feelings of enduring affection that develop for those with whom our lives are closely entwined, including parent-child, sibling-sibling, and friend-friend emotional connections.

Romantic Attraction: Typically intense and largely involuntary feelings of infatuation with another person, finding oneself thinking about that person all the time, idealizing that person to the point of overlooking what to others would seem like obvious faults, and fantasizing about and desiring exclusive emotional closeness with that person.

Sexual Attraction: Typically intense and largely involuntary feelings of desiring sexual contact with another person, regularly fantasizing about encountering that person in various sexual scenarios, having a concomitant sense of finding fulfillment in the idea of partaking in those fantasies in real life.

Sexual Desire: Typically intense and largely involuntary feelings of desiring sexual stimulation, often to the point of climax, whether through solo or partnered sexual activity.

Sexual Arousal: Physiological responses in anticipation of sexual activity (similar to salivating in anticipation of eating), which may or may not be accompanied by corresponding mental states of sexual desire and sexual attraction.

Going off the above definitions, I will briefly comment on a few points of relevance for aro and ace communities. First off, there is a commonly recognized distinction between nonlibidoist asexuals who lack both sexual attraction and sexual desire and libidoist asexuals who only lack sexual attraction. For many allosexual people, however, these two psychological states may often be experienced as interrelated. One way of parsing the difference is through the observation that sexual desire has an object in the form of achieving climax to alleviate vexing feelings of horniness (similar to how thirst and hunger are dissatisfying states that point towards drinking or eating as the solution). Sexual attraction, by contrast, has more in common with states of aesthetic appreciation, in that it does not point towards achieving an object which would move one from that state to a better state. In other words, there is an easy solution to feeling horny (you can literally take matters into your own hands!), but there is no such easy solution to feeling sexually attracted to someone. Instead, it has been suggested that when people try to affect a state of sexual attraction, they do the same sorts of actions as they would to affect a state of sexual desire, only to find that since the sexual attraction state persists unperturbed, they must become ever more creative in their efforts, potentially leading to the formation of all manner of kinks and fetishes (for this phenomenological account, see writing by Bradley Richards, 2015).

This distinction between sexual attraction and sexual desire, furthermore, is the cornerstone for how behavioural psychologists distinguish between asexuality and sexual desire disorders, whereby the thinking is that people who experience sexual attraction are more likely to feel frustrated in the event of experiencing low libido, a finding which has received some empirical support through research applying the asexuality identification scale psychometrics evaluation. While it goes beyond the scope of this glossary to delve into details, I should briefly note that this distinction is rejected by feminist and queer theory authors who view asexual self-identification as an act of political resistance against the psychiatric construct of sexual desire disorders, and the ensuing debate has at times become acrimonious, both within the academic literature and on social media (for some discussion relevant to this vexing issue, see writings by Andrew Hinderliter, 2013; Morag Yule, Lori Brotto, and Boris Gorzalka, 2015 and 2015).

Turning to the aromantic side of the equation, the difference between friendship and romance is one of those recurring topics of perplexity within aro and ace communities. Following the definitions from behavioural psychology provided previously, we can see a difference in valence. Attraction (whether sexual or romantic) is understood to possess an immediacy, an exclusivity, an obsessiveness, an irrationality, which distinguishes it from other types of psychological states. Attachment is understood to encompass everything from parent-child to sibling-sibling to friend-friend emotional connections which display the enduring affection that arises from establishing a pattern of involvement and support within each other’s lives. There are some similarities, nonetheless, since friendship can spark into romance, and established romantic relationships are known to settle into companionate attachment. Yet at the same time, both within behavioural psychology and within common parlance, it would be unusual to describe friendly sentiments and platonic affiliations as involving attraction, since declarations of attraction are instead typically associated with confessing some rather scroungy infatuations.

Following off the above, I would like to address how some aro and ace glossaries have a tendency to postulate the existence of an exact romantic orientation equivalent for every facet of sexual orientation. We can see, however, that sexual attraction and romantic attraction are psychological states containing different intentional content, whereby sexual attraction is more closely associated with desiring to participate in specific activities commonly considered sexual, whereas by contrast romantic attraction involves strong desires of establishing emotional intimacy which can be achieved through various measures that are not as closely associated with any specific set of activities. To go from the opposite direction, if two disillusioned friends get drunkenly frisky with each other on Valentine’s Day, then they are likely to consider themselves to have had sex (although they may deny it publicly), yet if two disillusioned friends resign themselves to going out together for a fancy restaurant dinner date meal deal on Valentine’s Day, then they are unlikely to consider themselves to have had romance (although they may say publicly that they went on a date).

Continuing with this line of inquiry, we can not only see how sex is associated with a specific set of activities, but also how the activities falling within that set are objectively gross (the noise, the hair, the fluids spraying everywhere!). It is no surprise, therefore, that even some people who experience sexual attraction might feel sex-averse, while in the absence of sexual attraction people are likely to feel sex-averse or at least sex-indifferent. With that said, it remains possible that someone could have a favourable attitude towards engaging in partnered sex absent sexual attraction. Romance differs on this account because it does not have the same association with acts that are likely to test your disgust tolerance. But people might feel averse to romance in other ways, such as by disliking the obsessive intensity of the infatuation experience, or by resenting the prioritizing of romance in popular culture. Additionally, although it might be impossible for oneself to experience romance on account of lacking romantic attraction, one might nonetheless feel indifferent or favourable towards having a partner who experiences romance and who views the relationship in this fashion (for a discussion of attitudes towards personal engagement in partnered sex held by people on the ace spectrum, see writing by Jessica Hille, Megan Simmons, and Stephanie Sanders, 2020).

Aromanticism and Asexuality Community Terminology

Please note that there have been slightly differing competing definitions followed throughout aro and ace community history. The following is intended to reflect a range covering the most common usages (for an overview of the evolution of aro and ace community vocabulary, see writing by Andrew Hinderliter, 2016).

Aromanticism: Lack of romantic attraction, lack or low degree of romantic attraction, lack of romantic attraction to other humans.

Grey-Aromanticism: Minimal romantic attraction too limited to motivate romantic interactions, romantic attraction conflicted by romance-aversion, an amount of romantic attraction perceived as lower than average.

Demiromanticism: Romantic attraction that develops only after the prior establishment of a friendship connection.

Aegoromanticism: Disconnect between oneself and one’s romantic fantasies, such as by having romantic fantasies that take the form of third person scenes of generic characters or nonhuman characters, without any accompanying sense of involving oneself in the action in real life.

Alterous Attraction: Attractions that are perceived as blurring the lines between categories or as fluctuating between categories, such as by experiencing attraction that feels borderline between friendship and romance.

Asexuality: Lack of sexual attraction, lack or low degree of sexual attraction, lack of sexual attraction to other humans.

Grey-Asexuality: Minimal sexual attraction too limited to motivate sexual interactions, sexual attraction conflicted by sex-aversion, an amount of sexual attraction perceived as lower than average.

Demisexuality: Sexual attraction that develops only after the prior establishment of a romantic or emotional connection.

Aegosexuality: Disconnect between oneself and one’s sexual fantasies, such as by having sexual fantasies that take the form of third person scenes of generic characters or nonhuman characters, without any accompanying sense of involving oneself in the action in real life.

Taking into account the above definitions, I would like to briefly highlight a few points that require elaboration. To acknowledge an initial commitment, I have decided to limit this glossary to terminology that both fits within established paradigms backed by psychological research and that has a widespread history of usage within aro and ace communities. There is a subculture surrounding the creation of nouveau identity labels that has developed for self-expression amongst the tween to teen demographic on social media. In light of this trend, sometimes attempts at creating aro and ace glossaries become mired in misguided efforts to cover every single notion about romance and sexuality that has ever been uploaded to a micro blog or wiki list.

Somewhat relatedly, I would also like to tread carefully around a tendency within aro and ace communities to describe every form of interpersonal connection in terms of attraction. It is, for example, common within these communities to talk about aesthetic attraction and sensual attraction and friend crushes (also known as squishes) and platonic attraction. This vocabulary has some utility. Questioning asexual people can be advised that wanting to cuddle with someone of pleasing appearance does not always entail sexual attraction. Questioning aromantic people can be advised that feeling excitement over new friendships does not always entail romantic attraction. Yet there is a drawback to this vocabulary because it can create the misleading impression that all these forms of interpersonal connection manifest with the same intensity and define orientations in the same manner as sexual and romantic attraction. This tracks neither with the psychological literature nor with common parlance, where terms like attachment and appreciation would typically be used instead. Two heteroromantic heterosexual friends of the same sex/gender, for example, might recognize that each has nice features and might partake in hugging or cuddling together, but they are unlikely to draw semantic equivalencies with the attraction felt towards sexual and romantic partners.

While the above paragraph focused on distinctions, it also provides a segue into a discussion of sexual fluidity involving research suggesting that friendship, romance, and sexuality can overlap and blend into each other in ways that might be relevant to understanding concepts like alterous attraction and demi orientations (for this account of sexuality fluidity, see writing by Lisa Diamond, 2003). The sexual fluidity concept follows the observation that friendship connections sometimes develop into romantic feelings and romantic feelings sometimes develop into sexual feelings. Such a transition could happen inside an orientation category (say a heteroromantic heterosexual woman becoming attracted to a male friend whom she initially found physically undesirable) or outside an orientation category (say a heteroromantic heterosexual woman becoming attracted to one of her female friends). This potential exists because sexual attraction is more closely tied to sex/gender traits and other immediately apparent characteristics, while romantic attraction and companionate attachment are more closely tied to personality traits and other eventually apparent characteristics, plus all these states are also tied to each other in that one can be the cause of another. While it is unclear how common it is in practice, there is some evidence to suggest these sorts of transitions can happen to certain individuals in appropriate circumstances. Sexual fluidity might provide an explanation for demi orientations, including two potentially differing permutations that I have come across through conversations on the topic. Some report feeling obliviously indifferent towards all sex/gender categories, but with the potential to find any one person attractive after having first formed the requisite bond. Others report feeling aware of being oriented towards a particular sex/gender category, but they do not find anyone falling within that category to be attractive before forming the requisite bond.

In keeping with the essayistic tone of this glossary, I would like to conclude with some food for thought. So far, I have been following the attraction-centric accounts of orientation that are favoured within behavioural psychology. Within this paradigm, it is commonly assumed that people’s sexual and romantic preferences will correlate with their sexual and romantic attractions, although it is recognized that there can potentially be some divergence. This recognition has become a point of contention amongst analytic philosophers who concern themselves with matters of gender and sexuality. The result is a split between those who maintain the psychological state view whereby orientation is understood to be something intrinsic to an individual’s subjectivity (represented by Esa Díaz-León, 2022), and those who instead advocate an alternative view that tracks an individual’s relationship preferences within their social milieu (represented by Robin Dembroff, 2016). This alternative view would entail, for example, that someone who is exclusively attracted to members of the opposite sex but who has some convoluted reason for exclusively preferring same-sex partners is in fact same-sex oriented. Debate ensues because people’s intuitions are likely to split at this juncture. Should attraction be the sole criterion or should orientations be viewed holistically?

References

Bogaert, Anthony F. “Asexuality: Prevalence and Associated Factors in a National Probability Sample.” The Journal of Sex Research 41, no. 3 (2004): 279-287.

Bogaert, Anthony F. “Toward a Conceptual Understanding of Asexuality.” Review of General Psychology 10, no. 3 (2006): 241-250.

Bogaert, Anthony F. Understanding Asexuality. Lanham, Boulder, New York, Toronto, Plymouth, UK: Rowman & Littlefield, 2012/2015.

Bogaert, Anthony F. “Asexuality: What It Is and Why It Matters.” The Journal of Sex Research 52, no. 4 (2015): 362-379.

Brotto, Lori A., Morag A. Yule, and Boris B. Gorzalka. “Asexuality: An Extreme Variant of Sexual Desire Disorder?.” The Journal of Sexual Medicine 12, no. 3 (2015): 646-660.

Buss, David M., and David P. Schmitt. “Sexual Strategies Theory: An Evolutionary Perspective on Human Mating.” Psychological Review 100, no. 2 (1993): 204-232.

Dembroff, Robin A. “What Is Sexual Orientation?.” Philosophers’ Imprint 16, no. 3 (2016): 1–27.

Diamond, Lisa M. “What Does Sexual Orientation Orient? A Biobehavioral Model Distinguishing Romantic Love and Sexual Desire.” Psychological Review 110, no. 1 (2003) 173-192.

Díaz-León, Esa. “Sexual Orientations: The Desire View.” In Feminist Philosophy of Mind, edited by Keya Maitra and Jennifer McWeeny, 294-310. New York, New York: Oxford University Press, 2022.

Fisher, Helen. “The Nature of Romantic Love.” The Journal of NIH Research 6, no. 4 (1994): 59-64. Reprinted In Annual Editions: Physical Anthropology, Spring 1995.

Fisher, Helen E. “Lust, Attraction, and Attachment in Mammalian Reproduction.” Human Nature 9, no. 1 (1998): 23-52.

Hille, Jessica J., Megan K. Simmons, and Stephanie A. Sanders. ““Sex” and the Ace Spectrum: Definitions of Sex, Behavioral Histories, and Future Interest for Individuals Who Identify as Asexual, Graysexual, or Demisexual.” The Journal of Sex Research 57, no. 7 (2020): 813-823.

Hinderliter, Andrew. “How is Asexuality different from Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder?.” Psychology & Sexuality 4, no. 2 (2013): 167-178.

Hinderliter, Andrew Clinton. The Evolution of Online Asexual Discourse. PhD Dissertation, University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, 2016.

McClelland, Sara I., Jennifer D. Rubin, and José A. Bauermeister. ““I Liked Girls and I Thought They Were Pretty”: Initial Memories of Same-Sex Attraction in Young Lesbian and Bisexual Women.” Archives of Sexual Behavior 45, no. 6 (2016): 1375-1389.

Meston, Cindy M., and David M. Buss. “Why Humans Have Sex.” Archives of Sexual Behavior 36, no. 4 (2007): 477-507.

Richards, Bradley. “Sexual Desire and the Phenomenology of Attraction.” Dialogue 54, no. 2 (2015): 263-283.

Van Houdenhove, Ellen, Luk Gijs, Guy T’Sjoen, and Paul Enzlin. “Asexuality: Few Facts, Many Questions.” Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy 40, no. 3 (2014): 175-192.

Van Houdenhove, Ellen, Luk Gijs, Guy T’Sjoen, and Paul Enzlin. “Asexuality: A Multidimensional Approach.” The Journal of Sex Research 56, no. 6 (2015): 669-678.

Yule, Morag A., Lori A. Brotto, and Boris B. Gorzalka. “A Validated Measure of No Sexual Attraction: The Asexuality Identification Scale.” Psychological Assessment 27, no. 1 (2015): 148-160.

I’ve been with my partner for almost 10 months now and they’ve known I was ace from the start. They’ve always been really supportive, despite the fact that they aren’t asexual, and we’ve experimented before with my limits and the things I’m willing to do even if I don’t necessarily enjoy them, because they make my partner happy, and I’m happy to do that for them. I never had a problem with that, it was how the relationship was and I was happy with it.

The problem is that a few days ago they told me that they knew that I didn’t really want to do anything sexual, and that they wanted me to be happy and that stuff didn’t really matter to them, so they didn’t need it, and they wanted to stop doing all that stuff. I was elated at this news, even though I’ve heard it before and everyone’s who’s said it changed their mind, I still believed them and felt safe and comfortable accepting this.

Then two days after telling me that, they started begging me to do something that usually I would be okay with, but that goes against what they told me, and it was in a situation where it would be hard for me to say no without being accused of being a tease, or something like that. So I started having an anxiety attack, which was not the best way to approach the situation, but it wasn’t exactly something I did deliberately.

Now me and my partner are both uncomfortable, because I feel my trust has sort of been broken and now I feel anxious around them, and they feel like they’re at fault and need to reevaluate what they want. They feel really stressed and guilty, and so do I. I’d be happy with the relationship going back to how it originally was, but I feel sort of hurt, because I felt accepted and appreciated more when they told me they didn’t want to do anything because they understood that I didn’t.

I feel guilty for being asexual and how I feel about this whole situation, but I know I can’t help it.

I’m currently wrapped in an ace flag and crying because I don’t know what to do, any advice or support would be appreciated. (preferably not telling me to break up with my partner, that isn’t something I’m willing to do because the relationship is for the most part really healthy and good, this is just one incident)

Whenever I watch television shows, it's like I can tell who gets in a relationship before someone gets in a relationship; even further, before something looks like flirting. Sometimes characters don't flirt and they end up a couple. I don't count characters who are actually couples from the beginning like a married couple, parents, or two people who were already in a relationship. I mean something like two characters meet and then they end up a couple because of course they are and that's what sells. I don't know how to explain it without sounding like I hate romance, but it sounds too rushed and cliché.

There's a scenario where two people end up a couple because they build up something for a series of episodes or seasons. There's a scenario where an unrequited crush ends up reciprocated. But then there's something like a character having a basic conversation with another character about something that happened in a scene and then they become a couple in the next episode; sometimes without context. Sometimes they become a couple minutes after one conversation just because romance and sex sells. Some of the "flirting" that happens on these shows doesn't even sound like flirting most of the time. It just sounds like a "hi" with them saying their names. Then somehow they're a couple in the next episode or in a situation where they secretly date because one person significantly older or some other problematic bullshit that sells.

I think things like this is what breeds incels because then they see this and think that all you have to do is be nice and talk to someone and then they're supposed to automatically want to kiss you and fuck you. It's like someone says "Hey, I know we made eye contact in the last episode and we had one conversation, but do you want to fuck and start dating?" And then it happens because of course it happens. I don't know if this is accurate to real life because I've never dated; however, it really doesn't make sense to assume that after introducing yourself to someone one time that it means you're automatically in a relationship and TV shows do this too much.

I have a friend. He knows I am aro/ace. Far as I know he is cool with it. Should I tell him I think of him as family?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AroAndAceLife/comments/15vx1gj/buddy/

So the guy is a manager. He seems happy to see me each time I go in. I casually said something about we should hang out. I don't know if he didn't hear me or didn't feel conformable saying anything. He didn't reply. So I guess he and I are not going to hang out. He is still friendly when we cross paths. So I guess he likes me as a person but doesn't consider me a friend.

The person who takes my stuff to the car now does seem to think of me as a friend. They said when they transfer to the school I go to now we can do lunch sometime. They are often really excited when I come in each week to get my stuff.

Folks at that store are pretty cool. Someone (another customer) told me at another store folks are not so nice. Glad I go to the location I go to. I have very few problems at that store. I guess at the other store they are not nice at all. Of course that person could be exaggerating.

Once again, we have the release of a report from the ace community survey team, which this time around covers the results from 2021. Some highlights include data reflecting the shifting social media landscape for ace communities and the preponderance of respondents identifying either as women or as nontraditional gender identities. It should be acknowledged, however, that there are unlikely to be many surprises for those who are already familiar with reports from previous years.

https://acecommunitysurvey.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/2021-Ace-Community-Survey-Summary-Report.pdf

I visit a very liberal church. They seem to value education when it comes to certain topics. For instance I guess they had a talk on homelessness. I would have stayed for that but I had to be somewhere after church.

The head of family ministry is openly gay and non binary. Often they discuss stuff that goes in their life during the pride service (They have a pride service when this city has a pride festival). The issue is they talk about THEIR life. They are allo. They are not going to discuss Asexuality or aromantic topics. I noticed not many if anyone really knows what aroace stuff is all about. I had a shirt on that said "this is what aroace looks like". I just got weird looks. No one commented or asked questions (I wore it during the pride service.). Earlier this month or last month I decided I should ask if I could put a little something in the newsletter that goes out every Friday about asexuality. I asked the head of family ministry and they said no. I suggested they have a talk on those two topics. They agreed to take it to a committee. I am not sure exactly what was said or not said. This person just said they are going to keep an eye on on ways to educate folks. So I guess they like my idea but not sure how to execute it. I suggested as a church someone just comes in and talks about it. This person talks about stuff in their life. Why can't an ace come in and talk about themselves?

So if you were going to educate a congregation about asexuality or aromantism how would you go about this?

The Aro Census 2023 is now open for your responses! This survey represents an effort on the part of AUREA to collect a large dataset reflecting the composition of online aro communities. This information will become the basis for a shiny new report that can assist community activists and academic researchers. Please note this is a longish survey but some sections can be skipped through quickly.

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdIcnjX70HD-XCXPSd9OOedkb709Gg1zw-732fE14lSinZ5wg/viewform

I was wondering if anyone could help me and maybe tell me how you found out you're assexual because I'm very confused. This is the situation, recently me and my partner had this moment, it wasn't sex but it was kinda of sexual, does that make sense? Anyways, we started to deepen things a bit, the first time I felt bad but I just stopped thinking about it, but now, my partner came and was talking about everything with me with so much detail, it just makes me feel so bad. The last time we met I didn't even want to kiss them, I feel disgusted just thinking about what happened and any other possible situation evolving kisses or anything related to sex and I don't like seeing my partner that way. I think it is important to say I am still very young, so I don't know if I'm not ready or if I'm on the grey area maybe?

If anyone could talk in private it would be good as well.

Awhile back I asked if I should ask a clerk at a store if he wants to hang out AS FRIENDS. No one gave me any advice.

Long story short I order my food online then drive in and pick it up. Awhile back it was one clerk who would take the stuff out to the car. He and I got along really well. I think he likes me as a person. I am not sure if he would consider me a friend or not. I am sure he likes talking to me but not sure how he views our relationship. I worked in jobs were I had repeat customers. We sorta formed casual relationships. Maybe not friends per say but they were happy to see me each time. The clerk since moved out of pick up. I forget where he is now. I think he is a low ranking manager at the store. I sometimes run into him. He usually seems happy to see me.

What do? Should I ask him if he wants to hang out AS FRIENDS or just be friendly when we cross paths at the store?

Anyone write works of fiction? Any aro/ace characters?

All of us have probably heard about the API changes by now, and the backlash that's come from these changes. People are considering moving to different platforms, including a whole host of Fediverse platforms. If you don't know what that means... Honestly, me neither. I've barely heard anything about it, but it sounds confusing. The gist of it- from what I understand- is that there's a lot of small platforms, called "instances", which are all connected to each other.

Even a lot of tech nerds have said they think it's complicated and will likely not become very popular among most people. Sure, many tech-savvy people swear that it's the future, but others claim it won't scale well (in other words, that the Fediverse won't be able to handle a great number of users). In addition, the fact that there are hundreds of these instances means that there are going to be multiple communities for the exact same thing.

Meanwhile, others- including myself- are moving to platforms more similar to Reddit: where anyone can make a community, but everything is gathered on one site. The exact platform I'm going to is Discuit.

So, what is Discuit?

Discuit was originally made to be a Reddit-like platform. It looks similar to Reddit, behaves similarly, and has a really clean UI (in my opinion, at least). Discuit's goal is to be a discussion platform, and we welcome civil disagreements and learning from each other. That being said, we have a strict "no hate" rule, and bigots have no place here.

Unfortunately, Discuit is a very new platform, and that comes with two problems:

First, Discuit has very little functionality. Mod tools are very limited, and so is user functionality. For example, it's not possible to search within the platform yet- you can use the search bar, but it will lead you to a Google search. As of posting this, user-created Discs (the platform's "subreddits") aren't available yet- though that should be fixed in less than a day. And, luckily, the developer is working very hard to make the platform work. In the upcoming months, many functions will be added to the website, and members can even suggest changes they'd like to see. A bit of patience will definitely be rewarded. The blog post I linked above outlines a bunch of planned features- most of which I very much enjoy seeing on social media platforms.

Secondly, Discuit has barely any members so far. A few subreddits are planning to move to Discuit soon, but right now, we only have about 1.700 members on the whole site. This issue is a lot easier to fix, though. A little bit of advertising, together with some subreddits moving over to Discuit, should do the trick. (Is this advertisement working yet? ;) )

So, let's all go to Discuit, have fun there, and never look back to Reddit. We're all looking forward to seeing you!

https://www.reddit.com/r/AroAndAceLife/comments/uxl7i6/man_i_hate_lying/

​

Remember this drama? See link above.

​

So I got another job from the one I was talking about in this drama. I had to quit because they literally wouldn't let me work my scheduled hours. I was often told to come in late. Every single day I worked I would be sent home early except my last day I worked. They claimed they didn't have enough business to let me work my full scheduled shift. I couldn't take it so I asked my previous job to let me come back. The previous job is where I was when that guy was hitting on me. OK so yesterday I was having the day from Hell due to many reasons. I don't want to discuss them.

​

One thing that happened was someone told me the guy I was posting about died. I don't know how he died. I think he was younger than me and I am not that old. The last time he and I talked he seemed fine. No one told me he was sick or depressed or anything. I don't think he uses drugs. I wasn't aware of any health problems. Someone found him unresponsive either yesterday morning or last night. I had no idea because I was working a different location from where he worked. Someone told me on the phone last night he is dead.

​

I didn't hate the guy. I liked him as a friend. I was hoping as time went on he would chill out and we could be friends. He died before that happened. I figured after our manager told him to stop hitting on me and just be my friend he would get the point. He kinda stopped hitting on me for the most part. He was really supportive of me when I talked about my schooling (I am in college).

​

So I got another job. I don't know when I start. Once I start that job I will quit this job. I hope my new manager is fine with me going to this guy's funeral. I think I should say goodbye and find closer.

I want to make a story with the main characters being on the aro ace spectrum and their journey on trying to accept their sexuality through romantic shenanigans and misunderstandings.

One of the characters is aromantic but I felt as tho the way I’m writing them is very stereotypical and I struggle with the sexual attraction since I’m on the ace and aro spectrum ( not sure yet though)

so I want to listen to the experiences of people who are aromantic, struggles, relationships, anything!

Where I work now people are pretty closed minded. I am only out to two managers. I was tired of people hitting on me so I threatened to come out. My managers told me not to but if someone is hitting on me to tell them and they will correct the behavior.

I JUST got hired in somewhere else. I start in 2 weeks. At the interview the manager said she wants people to get along. People have a lot on their plate. They don't need abuse at work. She said a lot of different people work there. Many folks in the LGBT community, many races, and age groups. Before I left to go home she asked my pronouns.

Keep in mind I live in a blue state, with a democrat governor, in a very liberal part of the state.

I am not out to many people.

What do you think? It seems a lot of people who work at this new place are out. Should I be out at work?

The good to all this is I doubt anyone will hit on me. If they do I am sure the manager will correct the situation.

I like all of them but I only have so much room. Thinking of just doing a coin toss to decide at this point but still. T_T

The church I visit is very LGBT friendly. Every summer around Pride they have a Pride service. Afterward we have a picnic.

I got what I think is a great idea (other people like the idea too.). Why don't we have drag bingo at the picnic? I reached out to the pastor of the church and ran the idea by her. The pastor was fine with it but she didn't want to be in charge of it. Pastor is INSANELY busy. She has to keep track of folks who are in the hospital or at home sick. The homebound members. Etc. She has a lot on her plate. She told me to take it to the head of family ministry. OK cool. Pastor is cool with it. I figured the head of family ministry would like the idea too. I was right. She liked the idea too. She said she will bring it to other people and ask them if they want to do it when its closer to the Pride service and picnic. I was pleased with myself that I was getting support for my idea.

Here are the problems though

1. I live in a blue state (Michigan). I live in a liberal part of the state. Our governor seems to be in support of the LGBT. A local drag queen was on the news saying at an event she was at some Proud Boys showed up. She is fine. I don't think anyone got hurt. I was told cops were called and they handled it. So even in this very liberal town in a blue state Proud Boys do show up.
2. Now with a lot of anti drag legislation in this country people are being nasty towards drag queens/kings etc.

I am wondering if we should have drag bingo at church. I don't want some bigots show up and start something. I messaged the person in charge of family ministry on Facebook and said due to the safety issue I wonder if we should use my idea. She said she would keep watch on things and decide later if we should do it or not.

​

What do you think? Should I withdraw my idea? It is to the point I am wondering if its safe to go to drag events here in town with my cousin.

I've known I'm asexual for a few years now, but recently, I've been questioning my romantic relationships. I've never had a relationship, and in my 27 years I've had maybe 3 crushes. I've come to the realisation that while I love the idea of a relationship and would appreciate the connection with someone, the idea of actually attempting to find someone has been the overwhelming reason for my failure to find one. On dating sites, I struggle to swipe right, always finding some flaw or reason why they wouldn't be a good fit. I don't know if its anxiety, a fear of the unknown, or just me being somewhere on the aro spectrum. I guess my question is, for those with more knowledge of the aromantic spectrum, based on this limited information, does it sound like I belong somewhere on there?

I live where there was a huge ice storm. We lost power for days. Me and some folks who live in the apartment complex went to a hotel until power came back. Besides from the fact the hotel was gross (I complained to the health department because it was so gross) the guests were a pain. My roommate and I were sitting there doing whatever and I heard a couple not too far from us getting their grove on. I am pretty sex adverse. I did NOT want to hear that. Once they finished they then turned on some really crappy music really loudly. I fail to see how anyone would want to have sex in that gross hotel. I don't get allos.

Power is back at home. I am glad I am no longer in that hotel.

I am asexual and aromantic...but I still have strong aesthetic attraction. I want a serious relationship, but I realize that I won't have one because it'll be impossible to find a man who I am aesthetically attracted to who is also aesthetically attracted to me without wanting to have sex with me. I still want to kiss and maybe make-out once in a while, but I have no desire for sex. I feel broken and that I'll never find a relationship.

I visit a really progressive ELCA church (A type of Lutheran). At least once a year they have a pride service dedicated to the LGBT. When I go to those services I wear an aro/ace bracelet, a black ring on my right middle finger, and a white ring on my left middle finger. I don't know how to make it anymore obvious unless I verbally tell people I am aro/ace. I don't want to make a big deal about my romantic/sexual orientation. I do want people at church to know I am aro/ace though. No one has commented on them or asked me about them. I thought about making a tshirt that has some slogan on it pertaining to the fact I am aro/ace and wear that at church. I worry it would be in poor taste (I wanted to make a shirt with aro/ace colors that says "no thanks"). I am not sure if that would be in poor taste or not.

We had a service today that is kind of in support of the LGBT. Again I wore my stuff. I don't think anyone really saw them as I was wearing a hoodie that covered my wrist and I doubt anyone saw my hand except for the pastor when I took bread from her during communion.

I was hoping after the service people would see my wrist and hands and make comments or ask questions but my friend wanted to leave RIGHT NOW (he has bad social anxiety). I didn't get a chance to speak to anyone after the service.

So how do I come out at church without making a big deal about it?

By the way I don't know what to do about my friend and his anxiety. He said he wants to come back. Everyone is welcome at church. I don't want him to put him in a situation that makes him so uncomfortable he runs out of buildings (he was almost running out of the church).

I work with a mental health professional. Her specialty is LGBT populations. We work together on accident. I was looking for someone to work with before I figured out I am ace and aro. When I came out to her she admitted she identifies as being omnisexual. She was explaining that all to me. Truthfully as she was explain was sex is for her (expression of love) it sounded a lot like she is ace and omniromantic (is that a word? If not sorry about that). She said she has sex and therefore not asexual. I said there are a lot of aces who have sex they just don't have sexual attraction. A lot of people desire sex. Being ace don't take that away. The way she explained sex also did seem like she don't even like it but she loves her partner.

I wish more was known about sexual orientation and romantic attraction.

Since I am a student at a university I can go into peer reviewed academic papers through our library. I find stuff on asexuality and aromanticism. I read stuff about it. It is so interesting. Too bad the common everyday person can't see these unless they physically go to our library and have someone let them onto the computer (since I am a student I can look on my computer at home). Who has the time and wants to make the effort to do all that if they are not a student?

I think I am one of the very few aces she knows unless there are others. They may or may not have told her they are ace.

The 2020 Ace Community Survey Summary Report and the Aro Census 2020 Report are now both available! Similar to reports from previous years, these datasets reflect online communities that are overwhelmingly young, female, and white. Further continuity concerns notable trans, non-binary, gender-fluid, and agender intersections plus the usually small percentage of cisgender male people present. Some points of note for the 2020 datasets include the coverage of kink/fetish proclivities and the finding that aromantic allosexuals are relatively uncommon.

https://acecommunitysurvey.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/2020-Ace-Community-Survey-Summary-Report.pdf

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5cb6e4d565019f0c5aa6cf20/t/6155f54054f46f3d4568e6dc/1633023300767/Aro+Census+2020+Report.pdf

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5cb6e4d565019f0c5aa6cf20/t/618c99dbf80848473f75dd75/1636604393105/Aro+Census+2020+Companion+Report_compressed.pdf

I was on the bus today. I was talking to some guy. I think he was old enough to be my dad. He was explaining to me why there was a traffic jam. Alright no big deal. I then got off at the pharmacy and was looking at the drink cooler. He comes up to me, asks me if I am single, and asks if he can give my number and maybe go out to dinner. How did we get to why there is a traffic tie up to wanting to go out to eat?

We live in a horny world. Allos can be so annoying and so needy at times.

It is to the point I can't even shop at a pharmacy without being hit on. How hard up for a date are you if you try to pick up someone at a drug store?

The 2022 Ace Community Survey is now open for your responses! Every year the dedicated volunteers of the Ace Community Survey Team collect a large dataset reflecting the composition of online ace communities before publishing the results in shiny reports that provide a valuable source of information for community activists and academic researchers. Note how the survey is somewhat longish but if you can set aside some time to complete it then you will be helping us to understand our community better.

https://acecommunitysurvey.org/2022/10/24/the-2022-ace-community-survey-is-now-open/

Someone suggested I talk to him and see if he would go over asexuality more. I talked to him. He kinda half assed it but he did talk about it more. I guess asexuality is just one of those things that won't be taught in schools. This sucks

https://www.reddit.com/r/AroAndAceLife/comments/yapb8j/are_you_kidding_me/