Hello everyone,

I am not sure if this is the right community to post, but I told myself I'd start here and see where it goes.

Please, while reading, keep in mind that I have anorexia, ADHA, cPTSD and anxiety.

So, I have been struggling with anorexia since I was about 11 years old - I am almost 28, now. I am doing better, tho. I've had my worst moments when I was in college but gradually got better because of my social circle. However, I still have, and will probably always have a crap load of side behavior/thought process, etc.

One of those "side behavior" would be that I absolutely despise my cooking.

The perfect example to explain this would be that my friend made me supper that I really enjoyed, one night. So, I redid the EXACT SAME thing the day after and I despised every moment of eating my plate.

However, that's not the only instance. It goes with everything. I make banana bread (which I love), but I end up throwing it away because it has time to form mold before I consider eating it (when I visualize myself eating it after I make it, I get nauseous). However, I can eat anyone's banana bread without hesitation. This weekend, I spent HOURS making an awesome cinnamon and apple bread (which I am obsessed with) and I can't barely look at it. The smell of it makes me feel sick. Same goes with the apple juice I made along the bread. And, I remember being proud of finally making my own apple juice. But as soon as I was done, I tasted it to make sure it was good and now, it's sitting in my fridge and I know I won't be drinking it.

Do any of you feel that way towards their own food? I know it could be a symptom of my ADHD, but I am considering this being a symptom of my anorexia because I know I can self-sabotage myself food-wise. I've learned how much the power of the brain can affect our thought process and, in the past, I was able to twist my thought process to make me think I wasn't hungry or that I didn't feel like eating, etc. Right now, I fuel myself with energy bars, protein shakes (that I also hate, but force myself to drink), applesauce, quick sandwiches or I just skip a meal if I don't feel like eating anything.. I usually cook once or twice a week, but I procrastinate because I know I will be disappointed when I finally eat it. I'd like to get to a point where I enjoy my food and not just everyone else's.

Finally- I know I have a pretty bad relationship with food. In the past, I've had a partner (for way too many years) that would make me feel bad about not cooking enough, not cooking well enough and eating (yes, while I was anorexic- yes, he was abusive).

So, all in all, I know there could be a lot of reasons why I have an "eating my own food aversion", but I'd like to know if anyone in this community has heard or has had this happened to them or someone they know? I think figuring out the source of it would help me take a few steps in the healing process towards enjoying my own food. (I mean, it's kinda disappointing making allllll those efforts to end up not enjoying it at the end!)

Final note: I don't think I've mentionned it and I don't know if it was obvious from my text, but I don't really enjoy cooking. It's usually stressful when I don't know the recipe or just plain disappointing because I know what I am making, I know I should enjoy it, I know I am making alllll those efforts doing something I really don't enjoy doing for something I'll end up being disappointed in.

Anyway, sorry for the long text, thank you for reading me and thank you for every constructive advice. I really appreciate it. ✨️

Hey , me again.

So I'm trying to recover and for a long long time I've always had the mentality that if I restrict then I go to the gym. For me they go hand in hand.

Therefore when I have an eating day, no counting calories then u don't go to the gym.

I'm unsure how to eat or what to eat to enable myself to go to the gym.

I hope this doesn't sound silly.

It's like the purpose of the gym is to lose weight which it was to start with but if I have an eating day then it's like I've given myself permission to be lazy.

How the heck do I do both?

Hi lovelies

I'm 46yrs and am trying to eat more especially on weekends because during the week I restrict and over exercise

It's fri here in new Zealand and the 1st Nov. I try to negotiate with my brain that if I have an eating day today I can start fresh and back to restricting on Monday, but I'm scared I won't or I'm scared I would have gained so much back.

Yes I'm trying to recover but I'm still not prepared for it.

Thank you all

I had an extremely bad falling out with a very close friend of mine, one of the only people I felt I could truly trust. My anxiety is mostly gone, however, eating is very hard to do now. My throat feels tight, I'm nauseous, I lack an appetite, and I'm gagging very easily

I'm still eating, but much less than what I normally do and it's triggering me. I've been recovered from my ED for nearly a year and I don't want to go back, but I literally can't eat. What do I do?

Hello!

I’m currently really struggling to regulate anxiety around increased food consumption. I was wondering if anyone had any tips on how they regulate their anxiety (more-so physical symptoms like lack of breath)?

Have a good day & remember that you always deserve to recover 🖤

I just dont want to have to be around people and eat things i dont know the calories of. It seems like the scariest thing on earth. Christmas hasnt really felt the same since i was younger but adding this to it just makes the whole holiday unenjoyable.

I know this is probably tedious but the guilt which the ana voice tells you to have when even a bite of food passes my lips is exhausting.

I had a single bite of a challah roll after dinner and felt so guilty immediately that I threw the rest of it into the bin. I find myself biting into something, chewing it once and then spitting it into the bin because I shouldn’t ’waste my food allowance on things I don’t REALLY want’. Which I’m aware is so fucking ridiculous.

I’m EXHAUSTED and totally FUCKED OFF with the voice. I’m hungry, my hunger is now exceeding tje ‘refeeding’ meal plan I’ve been on since I started recovery 5 weeks ago. And the issue is because I’ve not been moved off that specific meal plan I feel guilty when I want to eat something not on it, I feel guilty when I want to eat more than the plan. Even though I know that plan is a minimum and not a maximum. Even though I know my hunger is normal after so much restriction. That wanting to eat sweet things after denying myself for a year is normal and that I should just honour it but the guilt is so loud. Not to even mention I’ve not started therapy yet.

Please, real literature anything I just want to understand what’s happening from a medical point of view? Why did I gain so much fat, why won’t it go up or down from that number, what are ACTUALLY the concerning factors regarding the overcoming of FHA. Someone anyone I want a non-biased, non recovery based perspective on this. I’m mentally healed but physically just so so so fucking confused. I’m panicking because I just have no clue what’s going on. Believe me I like having a little bit of cholesterol so I can, yknow, stand and think but is there some sort of weird illness where suddenly you uncontrollably gain a ton of unnecessary (as in unnecessary to function) fat for no explainable reason when no changes in an otherwise normal diet and your thyroid becomes forever dysfunctional and then you fast-track to obes— you guys get the point. I’m confused and confusion makes people terrified. Send your best scientific resources, particularly those not targeted at specifically anorexia nervosa.

It’s so weird most days my brain won’t shut up and my Ed is screaming at me. But today the voice was so quiet I ate something and didn’t feel guilty or think twice. I don’t understand usually my head is screaming at me and it’s so quiet right now and idk how to feel

literally before fucking 8 am i got called fat and had to go home because i was so upset. why am i in my freshman funk rn. im trying so hard to lose weight the healthy way, but this honestly makes me want to relapse and i already know im going to use so many self destructive behaviors today. >!i alr sh!< and im probably going to again. i hate my life and my body so much

I’ve been in quasi for about 6 months now. I was doing well, relapsed, then tried again but it was just the eating disorder dressing up as something different this time. I’m a “healthy weight”, eat three meals a day and function at my full time job. I am miserable. I wake up in the night hungry, every thought I have is around food and it consumes most of my life. I have tried SO hard to fight and move forward but I’m beginning to reach a point where I feel I have to just accept this will be my life. I’ve tried coaching (with a few different coaches) but I just find they tell me everything I already know, I just can’t do the actionable bits. I feel like this is it for me now, I don’t want it to be but I’m so tired. Has anyone actually managed to pull themselves out of the quasi rut?

I’m not physically hungry, but I’m just not feeling satisfied. What is this meaning?

Made the mistake of looking through old body checks tonight and some body checks (from August!!!) are sooo triggering. The amount I’ve gained in the last two months is insane and I feel so shitty and I really really don’t want to relapse.. I keep telling myself that the me in those pictures still thought she was fat and it’s never enough and I don’t need to be thin, I need to be healthy and strong.. but omg how am I supposed to put on a costume and go to a bar and see people tomorrow that haven’t seen me in a while, knowing that they’re thinking “wow she gained so much weight”

I’m just really struggling.. :(

i am in recovery and i really do want to get better and be free but when i have a busy schedule and are stressed i have no appetite or less energy to try and eat. it is exam season from me and this comes alone with a lot of stress and anxiety. any tips are greatly appreciated

I really want to do my cardio routine tmmr but my friends want to do Halloween activities and the idea of skipping my exercise is stressing me out

i am currently in recovery and on a meal plan,i lost my period to anorexia for the past 5 months,i am wondering if there is anything i can do to help get my period back. i have really bad anxiety on stuff like this and just appreciate any advice

i am in anorexia recovery and on a meal plan. my family are very forceful on me about eating and i am struggling to handle the amount on the plan.(3 meals,3 snacks) i try to eat mostly whole foods because that’s my preference but i am worried that if i continue to do this is this still my eating disorder controlling me? i have gained weight since i was made impatient and i am struggling to accept this change. i want to try new things and not allow my eating disorder to control me anymore. any advice or tips are appreciated

I've had disordered thoughts and actions for about 2 years now, however they were so off and on that i didn't ever lose any weight or anything. early this year in january and february i was properly sick and lost some weight, and then decided to try start recovering. i keep seeing people talk about how they were sick for years at a time and i feel so invalid. i wasn't even medically underweight, not even close. i can feel a relapse right around the corner and i don't know what to do

Please help me and please be kind - how many calories should I be eating in recovery? And how long would I be expected to eat that much for? Do I need to eat that much if I’m almost (4-6kg away) at weight restoration?

! I’m eating 1380 calories right now and have gained 6kg so far !<

Because of how much hair i was losing and because of how many headaches i kept getting i increased my food intake to the bare minimum but i still keep counting calories and i cant stop. Every time i try to recover i get so scared amd js go back to the state im in now. I plan all of my meals the day before and if there's even a slight unexpected change i panic and feel so lost. I don't even know if i want help at this point considering the fact that im slightly less miserable then i was when i was eating barely anything but recovering and feeling happy with my body and myself just doesnt feel possible.

helloo! this might sound weird but can you please give me examples of how this ugly disease ruins your life/can kill you? at this point i feel like nothing else works for me, the only way i can make myself feel less guilty about recovery is by reminding myself of all the awful things anorexia causes, some of which are just inconveniences, and some even fatal. i would be very grateful if you could give me some reasons to recover, especially ones that might not be obvious or talked about often!

This is a long post but please, stick with me.

To the mods : I am not fatphobic, I just want to know the science and evidence of this ( either scientific or/ and anecdotal)

Long story short, I (19F) was diagnosed with anorexia 6 years ago. Went from normal bmi to underweight. Was admitted to the hospital and was put on a meal plan. When I came out, I had a psychiatrist and dietician I would see a little but they went out of my life quickly.

I continued to follow my meal plan kinda strictly and started lifting weight and doing rugby and boxe. I basically got weight restored but never healed mentally. I since then ( 6 years ago) lost a goos a amount of weight and gained it back ( and more) 3-4 times.

Last time I did, I entered the obese category, which I never did in my life and was always in the "healthy" range ( beside maybe 3 years ago were I went to overweight range after a dieting phase). The last one was an attempt to recovery. I tried to go all- in. I do admit, I was not fully comitting to recovery and was trying to restrict here and there so I think this might have play a role. I since then started losing weight very slowly. I would try sometimes to take a week break of dieting but I would end up binging until my stomach hurts very bad.

Anyway, last month I went a little harder and lost XXlbs in one month. My resting heart rate dropped to 37bpm, hovering around 39-42 during the day. I was at the higher end of bmi range.

I decided to try to recover for good. I was miserable, forcing myself to walk 10k steps per day and eating differeng meals than my husband. I didn't went to the hospital for any of this since 6 years ago but I am pretty sure I would now be consider in atypical anorexia since I'm in the high range of healthy weight ( almost overweight). I stopped exercising. I started eating but I am eating sooooooo much and eating past fullness sometimes. Sometimes I do not even know when I am full or not. I gained a lot of weight already but I deciced to not weight myself anymore. I am scared my hunger will not regulates or that maybe I am overeating.

Sometimes I think I am full but still wants more food. Tbh, I am very doubtful about this set-point theory, as this is just a theory. Why do we have an epidemie of obesity then? I would love to here real scientific evidence on this.

Anyway, I wanted to know if hunger ever goes back to normal or is it even hunger? Did anyone overshoot? If yes, explain me how it went for you. Also, did anyone manage to respect their fullness and not eat past it? What does fullness even feel like? Did anyone start recovery at a higher weight? Should I recover with a meal plan?

I just need any insight and experience around this please. I can't afford to get help. I am very doubting this whole recovery thing and thinking about just losing more weight and then trying to balance out my ghrelin and leptin once I reached this weight.

I cannot afford professional help so I am honestly just looking for guidance on this.

Thank you so much in advance!😊

** I posted this in other subs, I am trying to get as much informations and thoughts on this as possible**

Hi warriors!

Just posting to hear about your experiences. A little background, I am 27 years old and have suffered with bulimia and anorexia from ages 18-25. As of right now, I’d consider myself 90% recovered (miracles do happen!)

I attended PHP and outpatient (x2) from 22-24, which included weight gain and maintenance. Despite that, I am still dealing with internal damage (POTS, IBS, gluten intolerance) and a shitty immune system. I truly thought it would improve over time, but it just hasn’t.

I know that I still need to work on my diet and could put on a few lbs, but I am not at the point where I should still be feeling this “sick” and living like an invalid. I have made many changes to my routine (intuitive eating, exercise, limited alcohol use, a gluten free diet) and yet my immunity is still complete garbage. I catch absolutely every virus out there.

My question is: have any of you experienced this? If so, did anything help you gain immunity or do you think this is a forever thing? Feeling hella hopeless here. Thank you all!

So I’ve been doing sooooooo much research on extreme hunger because my clinic still has me on a refeeding plan (3 meals, 3 snacks) but I’ve been doing that for 5 weeks now and my hunger is starting to climb (alongside more bloating which is obviously hard to sit with).

I didn’t allow myself to feel hungry for so long that when I’m feeling hungry now even after eating I feel undisciplined and greedy because I’ve ’already eaten what my plan says’.

I know from all of my research that to actually get through the extreme hunger part of recovery you have to honour it and let yourself eat what your body wants because you’re in an energy deficit from all the past restricting. But that literally goes against everything I prided myself on doing the last year.

I’m scared that by honouring my hunger (doesn’t even feel ‘extreme’ yet) that I’m going to go the other way and develop a binge eating disorder or bulimia or something. Which I know is ridiculous but my brain says that honouring the hunger even if I’ve already had what my plan says is me ‘bingeing’. I know that the meal plans, especially the refeeding one, is a minimum of what I should be having but I’m genuinely scared to listen to my hunger.

I was just lurking on r/sticknpokes randomly a bit ago, scrolling through and viewing posts, and suddenly this ad for Ozempic comes up out of nowhere. https://imgur.com/a/ELi6QGI (screenshot) I understand that Ozempic is meant for ppl who are clinically and dangerously obese, but putting “want to try?” inside the ad is marketing it to literally anyone regardless if they legitimately need it or not. Like, do these companies advertising know that society in general (especially on the Internet) has reverted back to the “heroin chic” of the 90s and too-skinny bodies of the early 2000s‽ How many gullible and diet culture-obsessed young people these kind of ads are targeting, intentionally or not‽ It makes me angry.

Hello. I’m a 23 year old female. I’ve been mentally recovered for about 4 years now, have never been able to get my body back to normal. I have extreme nausea and pain whenever I’m hungry and it ruins my appetite and makes it impossible to eat. My therapist says there’s a fatty flab above your stomach and when that loses weight, it can cause these symptoms. I’m looking for any advice/tips to help with this. I so desperately want to be at a stable weight and get over this but this is such a barrier.

So long story short, I had an eating disorder from ages 12-19. I went to treatment three times and the decision to stick with recovery was the most difficult journey I had ever been on. I’m happy to say I’ll be turning 22 soon and am in a place recovery-wise that I never imagined I’d be.

But as soon as I became more consistent in eating and relearning healthier habits, it felt like my health wasn’t improving as much as it should have been. I was having issues with chronic nausea and dizzy spells that would always be blamed on my anorexia, even though I had been in recovery for quite some time.

It took almost two years to be diagnosed with ehlers danlos syndrome. I guess the main thing I struggle with now is how I used to view my body vs how I see it now. I used to wish I’d get sick so I could lose weight, and now I’m like. What a horrible thing to wish. I always felt ashamed of my eating disorder thoughts because of how ridiculous they were, but now I lowkey hate myself for ever thinking them in the first place.

I don’t know how common this kind of situation is. I feel a lot of guilt thinking about how i could’ve triggered a lifelong chronic illness because of my eating disorder i had for so long.

Hello,

I just turned 17F. I have anorexia nervosa. Onset was 13 y/o, 8 months-Present with quasi recovery in between (weight restored to pre-ED weight 2 times then lost). Before my eating disorder, I had some symptoms of puberty: pubic hair, growth spurt, and vaginal discharge with small breast development—breasts not fully developed—but no period ever. When I entered my ED my growth stopped. I have never had a period before.

For those of you who had your ED during your growth spurt before your period, did you get your period back and grow in height? I am 4'9 and simple tasks like driving are a struggle at my height.

I was going to use the suppose needed flair but opted for the TW one instead.

I saw my substitute therapist last week and wasn’t doing too badly. I was stressed out - I work FT, 2 teens, a husband, and started a post graduate certificate in public sector work this month. I also have been battling anorexia and purging (not bulimia because there’s no binging) for a long time but was admitted to residential inpatient a year ago this past Sunday.

Anything and everything that could trigger me came up and did. And I wasn’t strong enough to battle back this time. I can’t use numbers (sub rule) but dropped a lot in one week. Enough that if I told my partner or my therapist they’d be furious.

I have one week to make it so my weight it better and I pass my blood work (potassium always goes to sh!t when I purge but I have a week before I’m due again and plenty of Sando k to take).

What can I do? How do I fix this? I thought I was better? Or mostly better? Because of the anorexia, etc plus I have degenerative disc disease and neuropathic pain I reported I have a disability when I registered for my course, I have a form I can complete for accommodations but I have no idea what I could ask for by way of adjustments.

So I’m looking for advice on a couple things

1. What adjustments can I request? This is a PT course - so I have class 4 days in a row 4 times in the school year and one paper worth 100% of my grade. I’m already treating it as a pass/fail approach (for my mental health), but what else can I do?

2. Any words of wisdom?

I could request an emergency appointment with my substitute therapist but it won’t help. I was seeing her for EMDR when my therapist went off sick in August. She’s hopefully back in November. If I approach my substitute therapist, they’ll loop in the consultant, repeat my bloods, which could see me in hospital but even with 2 days of Sando k my heart rate has settled back down into the 80s.