i’ve been c/s everything these days and its scaring me. i want to get to a lower weight, but i keep buying stuff to purge. i know my ed has probably developed into something else at this point, but idk what to do. i tried to go back to therapy, but even the online shit is too expensive. i did a couple weeks of it and i really wanted to talk about c/s, but i got too afraid and embarrassed.

i want to stop, and im going to end the cycle today by going back to restriction. i know it will be harder this time since c/s probably fucked with my tastebuds or something, but i’ll just turn off everything. i’ll go robotic. i’ll only do what i ought to do to stop c/s. even though my appearance hasn’t changed, i don’t want to waste hours of my day spitting food into a fucking bowl.

i hate change. i don’t like it when people move on. i don’t like growing up. i want to be a good adult. i want to be moral. i want to be strong. i just don’t want things to change. i want to be barreling towards death, but i also want to live. i’m nothing. i feel worthless. and, i know none of this makes any sense.

anyways, happy halloween everyone.

I have developed a bad routine of going to snacks instead of meals, and I know people snack but every meal I have is snacks like chips. I want to eat more and have proper meals but at this point I can only eat so much before feeling full. snacks help those food cravings when my brain doesn’t want to eat but I know I should

Objectively, to a mental chill mind, I’m doing better. I’m gaining weight, I’m eating more, and I’m not so fuckin’ frail looking.

To the rational part of my brain, I’m happy because recovery means I get to stay around a little longer, have more fun times with my loved ones, and live a little better.

But, of course, to the mentally ill part of me that’s felt this way for more than half of my life, this sucks. I’m sitting here in the Taco Bell Drive through right now just pissed at myself for buying food, but also excited because I’m HUNGRY.

I was never happy with the way I looked even at my LW, and now that I’m a little bit heavier, I feel worse than I ever have, but I function better than I have in a long time.

This is such a horrific disease, man. I’m going to suck it up and enjoy my Taco Bell, but still, I hate the way I make myself feel about my body and my choices. This blows.

(for context im not diagnosed or anything) tw:calories and weight talk

im scared im falling back into old habits bc it’s halloween and all i can think of is the calories in each candy bar. i didn’t even go trick or treating this year because i just can’t eat candy. i havnt had any in months. i cant stop calorie counting and i cant stop thinking about when i can eat next instead of just eating because i am hungry i am so scared i dont want to feel like that again. i almost cried bc i gained 4 lbs (i was bloated) but like fr what do i do i cant talk to an adult or a doctor or anything bc no body knows and i want to keep it that way but at the same time i want to get better but at the same time i just want to get sicker and sicker and skinnier and skinnier

I’ve been through various treatments and was curious about others experiences and opinions on what didn’t help and what would have helped instead.

I had anorexia last year around April and I started to get better during Jan this year. I thought I’d fully recovered when I hit September but I started noticing that I’d gained weight. I didn’t need a scale to see it. During the time when I was deep in my head space, my dad had long chat with me about it and I promised him that I would try to get better. But I can’t stand it anymore, I found a scale in our house and I didn’t want to believe how much I’d gained, I need to lose it but I don’t know how, I just skipped dinner and I know my dad knows what’s happening. He acted differently tonight and it’s cuz of me.

TL;DR: I’m scared of making my dad worried but I badly want to relapse.

I dont even know what to say!! Its halloween and usually this is a dreadful time of year for me because of all the candy. But today after tricker treating i ate candy. I ate without even tracking it or anything i just ate and enjoyed it and i feel just so proud and happy with myself. ive been feeling so discouraged the past few days and this really made me feel good to know i am recovering!!

This post is mostly aimed for people in recovery or who have already recovered.

Does anyone feel like they have just swapped one disorder for another? When I started my recovery journey, and told myself that now’s the time - I also decided that if I were to gain weight I wanted it to be muscle.

I tell myself that I’m not counting calories, but I am. Trying to hit your macros is literally just calorie counting with extra steps, and it’s so tiring. It seems obvious, but I’m just having these thoughts how and thinking “what the hell am I doing?” The struggle is real.. But I’ve unfollowed all fitness influencers on my social media now. Even though they weren’t objectively problematic.

And can we talk about how it feels to be in a recovered body? I feel like my whole identity has been lost. It’s such a double edged sword. I feel so much better physically, my skin looks great, and my hair is so much thicker. My mental state is a bit of a mess though, and my body dysmorphia is quite bad too.

I don’t look sick anymore, but I still struggle with the same thoughts as before. Unfortunately, the public healthcare system where I’m from is severely underfunded. So when I met my weight goal it was just “so long and good luck”. And here I am.

OK, rant over.

I've been experiencing slight issued with hair loss in the past year specifically, I'm not underweight or anything but my eating patterns aren't good at all, and I think some other external stress might be affecting it but I've been getting some noticeable bald patches, does anyone know a way I can deal with this?

when i haven’t eaten for a while i physically can’t make a fist

Im a female in her 20s. In high school I struggled a lot to eat and dropped underweight for a good while. I’m not diagnosed with any sort of eating disorder. Recently things have gotten bad again and some recent issues and comments from friends/family have made me become worried.

Basically, I get very finicky about the condition of food. I am not picky in terms of what it is, but if it is not exactly how I need it (I have a specific color order I need it arranged in depending on the type of food and it needs to be perfectly shaped without imperfections, think perfectly cubed jello, or it makes me really anxious?) A fiber out of place is enough that I can’t eat it, and because that is unrealistic I just… don’t really eat. Trying to do so makes it very difficult not to sh, as it makes me feel more in control.

After going underweight in high school and getting to the point I was doing better, I actually gained weight on purpose to be just a bit overweight as a ‘safety net’ in case things got bad again… well here we are and I can’t bring myself to eat more than a tiny bit every couple days or so and I have lost a good third of my body weight in like 6 months. People are noticing and family and friends keep commenting on my weight loss but I can’t help it. I went on a trip with some friends this summer and was very chaotic about food the whole time in this same way, and now one of the friends has recommended that I watch a show called ‘Heartstopper’ because a new season just came out that revealed that the main character ‘has the same eating disorder [I] do’ (don’t watch if this may cause relapse for you) I am not even diagnosed with one, but it hurts that that is what others think of me and my eating. I watched the show and it kind of hurts how much I relate to it, feeling a huge weight of dread in regard to the condition of the food and being concerned about weight loss.

My girlfriend watched the show and continuously agreed the character is just like me, which honestly hurts. She is supportive and swears she wouldn’t tell anyone or try to have me do inpatient anywhere if I didn’t want to, but she cries about this often as she is worried about the dangers of the rapid weight loss, and I feel so guilty about her lying to family for me.

I’m not completely sure why I am writing all this but I am stressed about my inability to eat when I know that I will be approaching the unsafe point soon. I came to this page because this is the closest I can relate to even if the motive is different, but I guess if anyone has any advice or suggestions on where to ‘draw the line’ before finding professional support I would appreciate it. If you read all the way down here, you are a trooper for surviving that jumbled mess.

I tend to just eat the same things over and over again... This has been going on for 10 years. I occasionally try a new "safe" product and if I like it , well I buy it in bulk lol! Eating the same things feels safe. I know the serving size and nutritional information by heart and this helps reduce my anxiety.

Hello, this is my first time on this sub and I’m not sure if posting this is the right thing to do so I am sorry in advance if not. My best friend has just told me today that she has anorexia, which she’s just been diagnosed with. I hadn’t realised before but she distracts me and my friends so we don’t realise she isn’t eating. We are both extremely young, minors, and I’m really worried for her. I thought she wasn’t eating as she had previous health issues and didn’t have an appetite. I just really want to help my friend but I’m not sure what I can do. I don’t want to make anything worse but she refuses to tell any of our friends and only me and her parents know. I seriously don’t know who to go to and I don’t know if I should try to help her or just let her get better on her own. I just really want to help my best friend and I would appreciate any advice.

Hi everyone, sorry if I sound cold or blunt, I’m just writing things down without much thought. Not for lack of care, just wanna avoid rambling. I don’t know if that makes sense lol.

I recently found out my boyfriend is severely suffering with his body image to the point he has started only eating dinner, no other meals, and the portion he takes is rather small. He feels like he’s forgotten what being hungry really feels like and just blurs it out.

I was aware of his cripplingly low self image before and we talked and I before that, I already made sure to compliment him constantly just like how he compliments me. I let him know I was there for him while he’s on this journey and that it’s okay if it takes ten months or ten years to figure things out. I know I sound cold but I love this man with my entire beating heart and I want to do my best to show him that, so that he knows it. I always want to make him feel wanted and loved.

I was also aware that he started developing the habit of not eating and I tried to curb it by cooking nutritious well-balanced meals with him. And if I felt that he was still hungry, I would be like ‘Oh, I’m going to go grab a second plate, you wanna go downstairs together?’ And it’d give him an opportunity to grab more food and hopefully feel less self conscious.

I found out recently that it’s gotten worse and he’s started purging, and also his self image has gotten so low that sometimes he dislikes me touching his body or looking at him. He said that it has never felt violating, just that he was scared I’d change my mind about him and think he was disgusting.

I of course reassured him plenty and plenty, I asked him if I should give him more space and be more mindful about looking at him and he said no, that he still enjoys it but he just constantly feels disgusting in the back of his mind.

In the end, I asked him if he could tell his therapist and make her aware about his struggles with his body image and his relationship with food so that he can get the care and help he deserves. I of course told him that I know it’d be really hard and that he can do it whenever wants on his own terms. And it’s completely okay that if he couldn’t do it, I wouldn’t be disappointed or upset at all. I’m just concerned and that I’m here for him.

I reassured him plenty that he was perfect to me, and that he has nothing to be ashamed of, I’m not ashamed of him or upset with him or disappointed, that I could never be disappointed or upset with him. That he was so valid and that I was just concerned.

I reassured him that I couldn’t imagine how hard this has all been for him and that I know that he’s doing his best every single day and that I’m so proud of him no matter what and that I’m here for him. That he isn’t and could never be a burden, etc etc.

My question now is how I should go about admiring him and complimenting him? In the past, I complimented everything about him, everything from his personality to his mannerisms and his looks. (Side note: I always made sure that I wasn’t overstepping his boundaries, and he’s super sweet and compliments me all the time too).

I’ve done some research and one key thing not to do is mention the person’s body, even in a positive way, which I will stop doing.

The thing is that with how frequently I compliment him in general, I do also compliment his body. Like I’ll say how sexy he is or how I love his hips or when we’re intimate I’ll be touching him and saying how much I love his body and how attractive he is and perfect. (I tell him all the time in general how perfect he is in all ways though).

I’m just nervous that he’ll notice if I stop complimenting his body and that could make him feel more self conscious? Of course I’ll try to be subtle about it but we’re intimate quite often. Should I make him aware of it and talk to him first like ‘would you prefer I stop mentioning your body in general? Etc etc’

The thing about talking about this with him is that he will deny, deny, deny or give half-truths and sometimes I don’t know how honest he’s being on what he actually wants.

I’m very gentle and make sure to never pressure him to talk or give me answers. I’m very aware that he kind of supresses/compartmentalize things to the point that he doesn’t truly know how he feels himself and that’s completely valid.

For example, I’m actually still not sure how truly comfortable he is with me eyeballing him while we’re intimate and while he’s also eyeballing me. If I asked him if he was really sure, he would say ‘I myself actually don’t know sometimes but I think I like it and you make me feel really good.’ Or he’ll deny and go back to ‘it’s nothing baby, I’m fine, I’m fine, just ignore it. Don’t be worrying about me.’

Any advice would be great, thank you so much!

I’m just now coming to terms with the fact that I’ve had an ED for a while, and this realization has completely thrown me. I’ve been reflecting on my past and current behaviors, and I’m starting to realize how far back this might go.

When I was 14, I was hospitalized after a suicide attempt and placed in inpatient treatment for two weeks. It wasn’t a positive experience for me. When I was admitted, I was pretty severely underweight. I’d always been a picky eater and naturally skinny, so it wasn’t something I thought much about. But when I got depressed, my appetite pretty much disappeared, and constant anxiety made me nauseous, which didn’t help either. Even in the hospital, I wasn’t eating much and I hated eating around the other patients.

At one point, a nurse asked what it would take for me to eat more, and I asked to eat alone in my room. They reluctantly agreed, but after that, they started weighing me daily (without letting me see the numbers), assigned me a nutritionist to help me find foods I’d eat, tracked my food intake, and kept pushing me to eat with the other patients and eat more of my food. Looking back, it’s clear they were on high alert for an ED, though at the time, it all seemed unnecessary. They didn’t diagnose me with an ED, but they made sure my outpatient psychiatrist knew about it—and he seemed cautious too, though he didn’t diagnose me either.

The thing is, I do have an ED now, and I’m left wondering if these were early warning signs that I just didn’t see. I usually feel in tune with my emotions, so it’s surprising to think the hospital might have recognized something that I didn’t. Was this really the beginning of my ED behaviors, or did all this attention around food and weight actually plant seeds that grew later on? It’s just shocking to look back and see how far back this might go while only now realizing how deep into anorexia I’ve fallen. How did I miss it for so long?

I see an amazing therapist weekly. I don’t see her for my ED, but we obviously talk about it a lot, and the last couple of weeks she’s actually seemed visibly concerned, in a way I haven’t seen her before, about my current relapse. This is the third relapse she’s seen me through and all my relapses have ended up in hospital, however my weight right now is veeeeery far off my usual admission weight.

However, my restriction is the worst it’s been for a long time and the physical side effects are the worst I’ve experienced for a long time - my chest is constantly tight, I fear my heart will stop in my sleep, my hearing is starting to go…

We talked through my (the ED’s) beliefs around this, which are so flawed: if I got to x weight, I should always be able to get there again - as if the body’s tolerance builds up over time rather than just getting worse and worse the more I put it through. It’s worth mentioning that I’ve never even got close to a minimum healthy bmi so my treatment has been more like stitching a wound and immediately ripping the stitches out over and over, if that makes sense.

Idk why I’m posting this, I think bc I know I need to up my intake bc I can feel my body struggling but it’s so hard bc my weight is still ‘high’ so I don’t feel like I ‘need’ to… I hate this illness😖

i've literally lost weight what is this. what even could cause weight gain

Hello everyone! I hope you are well, within what that means today 🫶🏻

I hope this doesn’t sound superficial but since I relapse (even before but now it is more like a fact) that I feel really ashamed by my body as a woman. I have body-dysmorphia so I am not completely aware of how I look but by touch, the scale and the rare times where I get a glimpse on the mirror, I know that no one would feel sexually/physically attracted by me.

This leaves me very sad because I feel that that shame is affecting my (new) relations since the beginning, as my mind tells me that people are uncomfortable of having “”””a skeleton”””” as a friend or girlfriend. Besides that, I feel anxious of clubbing, dancing or even flirting because it seems ridiculous to imagine someone wanting to be around me.

Has anyone been through the same? Any ideas on how to cope with it?

I hope this is not a trigger and I send you all my love

A few months ago I switched jobs, and the new one had a several month hold before supplying health insurance. I can't afford health insurance outside of it (I'm commission) right now, and my various medications are outlandishly expensive without (one of my meds out of the 6 I usually take is nearly two thousand dollars). So, I've been unmedicated, out of therapy and hanging on by a threat not to burn out. For reference my diagnoses are: Bipolar I, GAD, OCD, ADHD, C-PTSD, AN, and very likely on the spectrum.

When I start losing control of my life is when I relapse the hardest. I'm dangerously close to the point I was at when I went to inpatient in February (which was awful and I don't ever want to be there again). The logical side of my mind is aware of the repercussions. I'm feeling my body get weaker every day. Hell, my scale that tracks everything says I've aged several years in the last week. However, the ED part of my brain is just so obsessed with the numbers going down and the conflict in my brain is unbearable. Mental illness sucks. No foods feel safe anymore. I'm lonely, I'm miserable, I hate my life and my job. I'm lucky to have amazing kids and a supportive boyfriend but I'm just TIRED. I don't want to fight my brain anymore. Sometimes I consider just signing off to live in a group home because I am so sick of struggling to take care of myself. I have multiple ADA recognized disabilities but there's absolutely no chance I could survive off disability benefits so there's no use trying that. Every month I wonder how I'll make it to the next. When does this stop?

/Endrant

Not her telling me if I am so afraid of added sugars and sugary foods and drinks I should be afraid of fruits too, that it can give me cavities. What the hell. You’re not helping woman. It’s Halloween but no need to be such a witch. F her, she’s not ruining fruits for me, gotta eat my apples to feel good.

I’m tired.

I’m in my mid twenties now and have been in recovery for almost a decade. I’ve always been told that recovery isn’t a destination, it’s an ongoing journey. I want the journey to be over. I want to reach the destination already. The journey has completely exhausted me. Hurdle after hurdle and I still persevered. How much longer? Will I ever be fully “recovered”? How come some people can just fully recover in a year? Why hasn’t my relationship with food healed yet? I’m envious. I’m frustrated. Im disappointed.

I’m tired.

first off, thank you for everyone that attempted to help me and comfort me. I wanna start this by saying im very young, still a high schooler, but I also wanna say why I thought this way and why I ended it in the first place. when I first had anorexia I was inlove with this one guy that was mad inlove with me too. He said he would stick beside me through anything, and he did, until my anorexia got physically severe for me. he left me and began to bully me at school, make fun of me to our friends and other people and ignore me 24/7 even though we sat beside eachother in some similar classes we had. He completely detached from me, left me on seen when I wanted to talk and etc. I was diagnosed with broken heart syndrome a bit after that as well.
This is why im afraid, no just for him but for me. The idea of putting myself through that pain and heartbreak is unbelievable, it’s hard to trust someone as I’ve also been cheated on before in the past. I hope you guys understand why I did it and this gives you more clarity. Just because I broke up with him does not mean I prefer my illness over him, that’s never the case. I love him with my whole heart and soul. thank you

I'm sure this is a common post so I apologize, but what TF actually helps with nausea? I can't take it anymore. It's as soon as I wake up, I feel sick all day and then when I end up eating it doesn't even help.

I vape and smoke which doesn't help I know, but is there supplements or something I can take to slightly counteract this? or do I just have to stfu and cope.

Like every two weeks it's something. A virus, a cold, a sore throat, high fever. Currently it's fever with the sore throat and my tonsils are swollen I guess, I have hard time swallowing anything and my neck glands are huge and I don't even purge. Sorry if I didn't say some of these things right, English is not my first language and I have high fever atm so it's kinda hard typing this, but I just need to vent.

And the worst thing is that I don't know why am I so weak and get sick so easily, I don't even restrict that much. I've been switching between high res and maintenance for last few months, I'm eating whole foods, hitting all the macros, and I'm not severely underweight. The worst thing is that when I get sick I can't eat much, then when I get a little better I let myself eat more so I can recover quicker, then when I'm healthy again I get scared because I've eaten over maintenance and I overexercise a lot. I do a lot of steps and I think I get too tired and more susceptible to get sick again. But it's a compulsion and I can't escape the vicious cycle. This is second time I'm sick this month and I have extreme guilt that my partner has to deal with this along with general issues of my ED. We planned to do a cute Halloween photo shoot today but now we can't because I'm falling apart in bed. He said it's fine and we can do fun makeup and costumes later when I feel better to make up for it but I feel like he never gets to do anything because of my health and mental health.

i have been in recovery from anorexia for about 5 years. and lately i am missing it. i am not saying that i would risk my recovery. i just miss being in that euphoric state. i haven’t felt is since. i just hope this doesn’t fuck over anything. i have been really fighting hard. does anybody have tips??

I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa two years ago, and since then, numbers mean more to me than just my appearance. Like, my brain links numbers with how 'clean' I am. It’s so intense that when I go to my nutritionist, I only feel light if the number on the scale is exactly what I want. Sometimes I’ve been extremely underweight, but still don’t feel 'clean' unless I get every bit of food out of my mouth. I don’t know if that makes sense, but the lower the numbers, the 'cleaner' I feel… or at least it makes the 'voice' happy.

I know I'm dying. I know I'm not quite in danger yet, at least not visibly, but my heart is already weak from my first Ed experience. (Organ failure, resuscitation, ICU, inpatient, PHP, IOP, OP) It's never going to be enough for me. Yet I crave this horribly grotesque thing. I need it. And as my life has continued to spin out of control, given family crises, abuse, housing, health, and more.... Ana is all I have. My constant, the only consistent thing in my life sans the festering self hatred and disappointment that seems to always be there when I enter a room. Sometimes I want to continue, for one reason or another, but all are conditional and limited things. Suspending the final act I failed at a few times in my teens. Putting off the inevitable moment I can finally embrace that stillness I felt, separate from my body, lying in that hospital bed as my parents were given the news. Finally able to melt away into the void, nobody to drag me back with electricity and wires. Until that point, I fight for the people who rely on me. I'm so tired.

she fucking makes me so mad, like this bullshit fake insecurity just intentionally bragging to twist the knife, always little comments how her clothes are too small to fit me, and then just now "im so skinny, im like embarrassed by how little i eat 🥺🥺🥺" stfu, so triggered i wanna cry and scream and binge and starve and i hate ppl omg

idk if this should be tw or vent but yeah

I recently started my recovery journey after some loved ones pointed out my noticeably quick weight loss (very grateful for them). However, I’ve always enjoyed lifting weights and so I am structuring my recovery like a gym rat’s bulk. I’ve found this much easier mentally as I can focus on muscle gain/protein and remain confident about the direction my body is going, all while gaining weight and meeting my healthier goals. Maybe the psychologically healthy thing to do would be abandoning the worries about my body altogether, but this is what works for me for now. Has anyone else acted similarly? I’m curious to hear about how others structure their recovery.