So... apparently I pissed off Artemis and now I have to sacrifice my daughter to appease her😔 WIBTA if I killed my daughter? For context, I am the leader of a very large army and my seer claims this is necessary for us to even begin to sail to the land we're ravaging. My wife may end up a bit pissed, but I'm sure she'll get over it😊

So my neighbor Publilius sent a cursus velox over to my villa the other day. On one hand, I know that messengers usually bring important information. On the other hand, Publilius is a real pórnoi's foreskin. He is always throwing the fact that he has some fine ass grapes in his vineyards and that must mean that the gods favor him over me.

So I was not sure what was going on. I break the seal on the scroll, open it up and the only thing it said was "How often do you think of the Roman Empire?". What the fuck is this? Is it some sort of political trap? Should I have stabbed the messenger or let him live? I didn't know what to do so I just had him flogged and sent away.

Later that day I see Publilius tending his slaves and he yelled over 'Did you find my missive humorous?' and he started cackling like an insane Oracle. I made an obscene gesture at him and told him I would be visiting his wife tonight.

I mean seriously. How often do I think about the Roman Empire? How often do I breathe? How can I NOT think of the Roman Empire? Publilius may be a good farmer but I'll be damned if he has the favor of the gods. I think he is trying to get me to stumble and admit to having an opinion about Caesar or something.

Salve citizens,

throwaway account. Obviously. Got a question. I've recently heard rumors about some sort of secret organization here in Rome, that supposedly offers services of anonymous messages, with scroll's sender being virtually untraceable. They supposedly do it with a cunning use of onions while praying to Northerner god Tor. It may be just rumors. But if its true, I think one so inclined may use this service to send hundreds upon hundreds of letters to the Senate pretending they are from different citizens? If, say, one would like to pretend some sort of cause has a widespread support among people of Rome? How much would it cost? Asking for a friend. I consider it may be a useful service if true. Furthermore, I consider that Carthage must be destroyed.

-- CitizenThrowAwayLXIX

Then sell it to those dumb Romans and Celts for like x4 the price of our kinda bleh wine.

Even Bomilcar‘s great lead and camel hoof infused wine can’t sell for anywhere near their price!

At the time of caesars first consulship election, he saw that pompey and crassus was contending for hegemonic power over the republic and understanding that he also had a lot of power, he therefore could unbalance this competition by whatever side he pleased

And according to Plutarch, it was exactly what he did and it seems it was by the most Machiavellic means. Cato also said that it was not the competition between pompey and caesar that brought ruin to the republic in the end, but in fact it was their Machiavellic friendship its doom

Caesar made so much popular measures in his consulship that in fact he transformed it in a tribuneship, merging two powers for himself. But when an important senator and cato was ready to give trouble to him, he brought pompey to the rostra and made him pledge that he would protect caesar with violence if needed

Pompey was so given to caesar that he even married his daughter, who was to be already married to another man. Its crazy to think, but to pacify this man, pompey gave his own daughter to him, while she also was promised to sullas son. Maybe it was coincidental, but now caesar also decided to marry a noble woman

Now, pompey being tired of being treated as cat and shoe by all his allies, he rose as an ultimate tyrant and filled the capital with armed soldiers. All of his measures was by the use of force and now the capital lived in a constant fear of sudden death

Since his second triumph pompey captured 1000 fortress and 900 cities. He also founded 39 cities and captured 800 ships from the cilician pirates. Also he taxed 50 million in money from the conquered territory and looted 85 million and 20 thousand talents more and gave it to the roman state and its people, while to his soldiers he gave at least 15000 drachmae to each

When lucullus had returned from asia after being ill treated by pompey, he was received by the senate with the utmost honor and when later on pompey also had returned from asia, the senate started begging lucullus to defend the interest of the state from pompeys supposed machinations. Although lucullus had accustomed himself with a life of leisure and he had catos help, he nevertheless vigorously retracted pompeys banishment of his laws. Pompey, now humiliated, sought protection with tribunal power, therefore giving himself to young and inexperienced men, the most despicable being clodius

Clodius used to walk around the forum with pompey by his side making sure that all the interest of the common folk were being attended. Clodius also made pompey to exile cicero, the one who had helped Pompey a lot before. Cicero even tried to plea for his life but pompey shut his house door and fled from the back. So fearing for his life, cicero immediately left the city

Now, caesar being returned from his governorship he passed a law that brought him much popularity, then he got the consulship and started passing laws that would distribute land and found new cities so he could increase even further his popularity

So, we here have droughts often. Usually, all we need is to light some fires, burn a couple of animals and maybe a child, and it's all gone.

Recently, we met up with some greek guys; real standup people. However, I noticed that their place looked a bit parched. I asked them about it, and turns out that they were having issues with crops too.

"No problem. We're on it.", we said, and immediately got to preparing the sacrifices. We thought that by helping them out, they would see us as total bros, and maybe be open to a little trading. Can't fault a fella for wanting to spread a little influence you know?

Turns out that wasn't the right call. They got really mad at us, and for what? We were just trying to help. We even made it extra special by letting them take part. We let their kids get involved, and even let their parents sacrifice them. Fun for the whole family you know? But they just wouldn't do it. Total mood killers. We had to do it ourselves, but turns out that wasn't good enough for them either. Apparently killing their children is wrong or something.

They've blocked us everywhere and cut all contact. AITA?

Just returned from the market absolutely devastated has to pay 1 sestertius for a loaf of bread outrageous!! At this rate I’ll be selling another child

This ginger head madman who insists on wearing a skirt and talks gibberish crossed the line yesterday when he fashioned what was thought to be a musical instrument from sheep stomach and proceeded to terrorise the neighbourhood with some god awful noise.

She was shouting at the temple and says he's not visiting enough. And now there's a storm outside and lightning. Doesn't she know whenever they fight there's like five house fires I have to help put out?

I think they settled on him hooking me up with a summer job, slaying some hydra, ugh.

I noticed within the distance there's a new pyramid constructed, with a green top. Does it seem to have appeared within three moon phases??? How is this possible I thought they took ten to build!

Was there some sort of sacrifice for this, and if so does anyone know how to perform it?

OBO.

Some of the leather is stained from some Germans I killed, but also my buddies. Selling as some barbarian cut off my arm at Tuteborgso so I'm out of the legion. I'll give it to you for free if you bring me the head of Arminius lol but seriously I'll give a discount for anyone join the legions.

There is a good thermopolium by my place where I can meet.

Check out my other items: -real legionary helmet -big ass axe from germania -real legionary calliga -a pilum

Yesterday I saw two birds fly into each other mid-air and both were dead when they hit the ground. I WAS debating whether to bring a goat or ram to the temple, now I am ready to shave my head! What should I look for in the liver(s) if I do sacrifice?

Hey guys,

I'm a ka priest for Hapuseneb but I have some business up the Nile near Karnak. I want to bring my family but the ka statue needs some rites done while we're away. Can pay in beer, grain or lapis lazuli, and you can stay on the estate that benevolent Hapuseneb left us (good view of the Nile). Dm me if interested. Thanks in advance!

Hi, my village is near a volcano and is totally gonna blow up soon.

I dont get it, we sacrificed 3 virgins this week alone!!

Is there any way to secure the virginity of the sacrifices? i feel scammed.

Hey dudes! I'm here to sell my slaves. This one I'll be selling for 2 Denarius. He is really good at tilling the fields and building. This one over here is a bad listener as you can tell by the bruises. Since he's not the greatest at anything, I'll only be asking for 2 Sesterius. Hmu if you're interested.

Hi. I've recently been having trouble dragging my cart. I just need some other way to move the cart. Dragging it does not work. Do you guys know any carpenters that can help me build a circular object that rotates underneath the cart. Thanks in advance!

One of my father's slaves got drunk and killed his co-worker, so my father had him chained up outside where he ended up dying from starvation and exposure. My piety and respect for the gods demands I take my father to court and prosecute him for murder, however waiting at court I got into an argument with a defendant from another case, now I'm not at all sure what the gods want!

None - a Caananite will do it for him. ahahahahahahaha

Alright so there’s this dude who visits us every summer with goods from far away places and this summer he has arrived with something he calls “bronze”. And I think it’s fucking stupid.

Not only am I an amazing flint knapper, but flint IS FOUND IN NATURE! Not like bronze which you have to make, somehow? or trade and the rest of the tribe lost their fucking marbles over this shit. They showed me a dagger, I made a new dagger in now time. It even has that weird ridge in the middle. But nooo, “bronze is so much better, DoctorBonkus!”.

Fucking tools. This exotic guy comes up with bronze and everybody is just happy as a clam. Well I’m not. They can’t even sharpen it without a stone anyway, why do any flint good anymore? Can’t sharpen that without a stone either! I am not lending them MY grindstone. Find that stuff for yourself. They’ll see how wrong they are when they don’t have me to help them find good stones.

Ugh. The sheer audacity of this guy. Comes walking with his “armour” (as if leather is bad all of a sudden??) and spears and “swords” made of that shiny fuckery and thinks he is so mighty and great. BUT! We asked how it was mined. He said to mine tin (fucking wot lol) and copper (lol ok) with…you guessed it! Flint axes. Ha! And then told us that Tim and copper should be combined in some weird-ass ratio or something, idk. And then smelted, whatever the fuck that is.

It’s so stupid guys, don’t fall for the bronze ploy

So there was this guy who came into town from the gulf, Ea-Nasir he called himself. Seemed trustworthy enough with his big smile and welcoming vibes. I had already traded with him before, So I wasn't expecting what happened next. I found him selling copper one day, so I inquired about buying some, as I needed to deliver some to the palace later. He told me that he'd be right on it, but when I had already paid him and got the copper... Oh boy...

Simply, it was shit. I don't know how this man sleeps at night. I got ripped off! This stuff isn't even good enough to forge a slave's tools, let alone to be given to the palace. I tried contacting him, but every single time, my messengers were sent back empty-handed. Not only would they return empty-handed, but he even told them that if I wanted the copper, I can take it, but if not, that I should leave him alone. The nerve of this guy! Sure, maybe I owed him a bit of silver, but he's given me so much more trouble than that damn silver was worth.

I'm considering writing a formal complaint to him to outline my grievances. What do you guys think?

TLDR: Got scammed by a copper trader. Considering sending a tablet of complaint.

Basically, this dude from Anatolia or whatever came on a fucking horse and told my tribe that wheat is apparently ThE BeSt ThInG sInCe ThE bOw and how fields are the fucking saviour of our existence. I told him off, basically asked him to mind his own fucking business and that hunting and gathering is fine as is. This dude had no teeth, was skinny and all round weak beta dude.

So I point his obvious flaws out and start throwing some rocks at his stupid horse because it’s funny and the rest of the tribe fucking scolded me and suggested that I was a Neanderthal brainlet and that I should more progressive