I went through this whole elaborate plan to sneak a [self harm tool] by my support system all for it to just leave me with guilt. Absolutely no relief unlike before. I feel like a fucking idiot

I don't get it. Why am I like this? Every few weeks I just get an uncontrollable urge and c*t. I think about svcide several times a day, knowing that I'll probably never follow through. Every time I drive I hope to be klled in an accident. Though I'd never actively cause it - I have ocd which manifests mostly in inability to break rules. I don't understand why I'm like this. I have a great life. Almost 40, great relationship with siblings and mom (dad died a few years ago). I have a wonderful, loving wife, three wonderful children (sure they're challenging but all kids are). I love what I do for a living. Can't stand my managers and the company, but the work itself is my dream job. Not the greatest pay, but it's enough to live on. No significant health issues, just chronic migraines that are currently under control. I don't feel like I'm a burden or that people around me will be better off without me. I know that if I leave it'll make things hard for people around me. So why do I keep fantasizing about kms or or being klled? I hate that I'm like this, and for no reason.

I’ve been inpatient since Friday night, now Sunday night. Things have not been good. At all. They’ve just thrown meds at me 24/7.

Well tonight I broke, yesterday I absconded and stole blades. Today I got in the shower and cut.

I exposed what I thought was just a vein. Boy was I wrong. It was one of the smaller arteries and squirted everywhere. Pissed blood out.

Had to hold pressure while trying to dry off enough I could at least put knickers and a shirt on.

Just finished with stitches. Now I have to see the psych. Wish me luck. Two months down the drain and likely to be sent home now.

it seems that i cannot do anything to escape or fight them. it is just struggling and slowly losing the energy. it feels like being trapped in a pit full of despair and cruelness. and i have not even the worst pit. what should I do for the day I will slice open my arms again or kms feels not far of.

my best friend who helped me get through the roughest point of my life is moving out of my town. he helped me out of self harm. i want to relapse so bad, but i know how much it would kill him along with me. i tried talking to my therapist about it, but for some reason its so hard to open up about how much this is going to hurt when he leaves.

I had a particularly triggering day a few days ago and the urges were strong. Lack of control makes me spiral and I was feeling out of control. I decided to try journaling my feelings (mostly for therapy) and while I was still very upset it kept me distracted enough not to hurt myself. I’m not much of a journal person but something about writing brought me back to the reality. I’m sure it won’t always help but I didn’t let the urges win.

Hey I could be someone u might get along with! Am 19f Hobbies:

Love anything related to art

Drawing

Reading

Talking to ppl for hours on end (could be vc ft if u want lol)

Ppl say am very sweet and empathetic so u can vent anytime could be about ur day etc I night be annoying and clingy lmao hope u don.t mind that side of me DM me

When I relapsed, I cut on my arm. When I’ve routinely SH’ed it’s been my legs (aside from when I was a teenager), relapsed though would usually be my arm. I’m so beyond tempted to cut on my arm again. My legs don’t have the same “appeal” if that make sense.

I wear scrubs and can’t wear a long sleeve under them so I can’t really hide fresh cuts easily. I’m just sitting here panicking.

Some context: So my husband are aware of my sh history. Something that he doesn't believe me about was that it went all the way back when I was just a child. His reasoning was that he didn't see any scars when he met me. I have definitely started to cut before that and the scars were subtle enough to not be noticed. Nonetheless, he thinks that he's the entire reason why I do it and often laments on how my exes didn't have to "deal with it". Due to the decline of my mental health recently, we made a pact that I will disclose to him every time I have 💫the urge💫 so he won't feel blindsided, and in turns he will offer me support. This started because he saw my therapy notes and found out that I was having trouble bringing it up to him. We had a long talk about it. We both agreed that it would be a good thing to do. We both kept our words on the pact on the occasions I did bring it up. Fast forward to last week, something happened and it triggered me. So I did my due diligence and tell him how I was feeling. He put on the facade of caring for a few minutes, which really did help me, but then went back to ranting about my exes and how they didn't have to deal with it again. This broke me. I tell him I didn't want to have to report to him anymore. Apparently this made me in his words "a disingenuous piece of shit" because I am just saying that to scare him and teach him a lesson. So I relent and said, sure, we can still keep our pact, but I am deeply uncomfortable about putting my mental health in jeopardy just so he can have full knowledge of what I'm up to. He acknowledged that he's putting me in an awkward position, and that I "shouldn't have let the thought enter my head at all", if I really love him. The conversation didn't go anywhere after that. Fast forward to today. He's been in a bad mood and it did freak me out a bit, and I acted like a horribly anxious person (reserved, nail-biting, skin picking, you know the drill). I was trying my best to be pleasant, to say the right thing in the right tone. I don't want to make him angry. So he left to grab some coffee, without forgetting to remind me to not sh while he's out. I haven't said anything to him because of what happened last week, but it must have been obvious that I was fighting the urge. Then when he came back, he almost forcibly roll up my sleeves and pants legs to check for cuts. I was aghast and told him that it's so humiliating to me that he did that. He said "don't you think it's not humiliating for me? I do it because I love you, and since I don't wanna fight lets leave it at that". So I did. I didn't protest any further. But something is not feeling right. What he did felt almost...sinister. It made me wanna throw up. I feel sick to my stomach. So what I want to ask you guys is: is this normal? Do I need to keep disclosing my urges if they do come up if there is a good chance that he will become angry at me instead? He's the only person in my circle who knows about my sh, so I do feel inclined to seek for comfort from him when I feel this way.

This year i never even thought about self harming for real. Just get healthier, work 8h like normal people and get over all years of sick leave.

My brothers kids birthday party today and last year both times been relapse days. I feel enormous pressure nowadays when i am healthier to be normal, to perform and to have fun. Both at work and socially. Don't think i am ready for that. Barely holding together and drinking waaaaay to much to cope with work. Pretending to be okay. Guess this doesn't makes sense, not even whole sentences.

I just had healed all my scars. Really need to make sure not to enter a downward spiritual. Another cut won't make my arm any uglier..

For all of you who think you beaten this. Don't let your guard down. Fight harder and dont take reckless risks on silly dates like 1 year. 1 day, 1 week. Wish you all the best! I will continue and aim for two years until next time, gradually getting better and better

Has anyone gone to an in person support group?

I'm 38/F and it has been years since I harmed myself regularly. I've slipped up now and then but I've been mostly free of self harm for about 15 years. I'm struggling with the urges lately

I finally have a therapist that I feel like I can open up to. I told him that I've been struggling and even though I didn't cut, I felt just as bad as if I had just done it and gotten it over with. My therapist suggested going to a support group. I've never gone to any type of group therapy and it kinda terrifies me. I have a hard enough time opening up to the therapist or anyone else. How is a group going to be better?

Please share your experience if you have one.

I don’t want to relapse I feel like I’m being tortured in my body why do I feel like I can’t reach out I don’t know what’s going on anymore. What the fuck is going on I just want it to stop

TW: content?

I didn't know how else to describe the title but basically I've got a collection of used r4zor bl4des and I need to know how I can safely dispose of them. Can I just put them in the black bins if I maybe tape them all together so it doesn't harm the bin collection men?

I was 230 days clean and every single day I’ve thought about cutting myself or ending my life I’m just so tired of feeling the way I do I have nothing I have nobody and the people I do have don’t care about me I’m just an object to them all I do is help them and nobody is ever there to help me cutting myself is the only thing that makes me feel real and alive I feel like I am just waiting for every day to pass by waiting for it to be over I have nothing going for me I’m not pretty I’m not smart im not cool I don’t have anyone or anything I’m so inferior to everyone else life just feels meaningless and the saddest thing is that I want more than anything to be someone with a life worth living I want to have a career I want to have friends I want to go to college and have a nice house and be proud of myself but I can’t i dont know how. I don’t know who I am all I do is live for everyone else but I don’t know how to live for myself. My whole life has been about taking care of my family and making my family “proud” I’m so damaged I don’t know if I can move on everything ive ever done is so I can be someone and now I’m no one I’ve dropped out of college I’ve lost all my friends my family is falling apart and now I’m just waiting to die

62 days clean today! But, I also got doxxed which has been interesting and stressful. Reddit scares me lol this is honestly just a post to physically make myself type out how long I've been clean so I don't fuck it up.

I need to vent, maybe a few words of encouragement would be nice I haven’t hurt myself in a long time. Over a year. (Yay) but the reason I started doing it before is that I have PTSD. I’m having a hard time with that right now, life hurts. Everything is scary and feels bigger than it is. SH used to be my way out when i felt like this. I no longer want to hurt myself AT ALL. No temporary relief is worth it to me anymore, I don’t want to do it. But I keep seeing it in my mind. When things get too heavy it just happens over and over again. I can’t get them to stop and they make things worse. I wish I didn’t feel like a burden telling people about this. I just need someone to tell me I don’t deserve what happened to me and that I’m strong and I don’t deserve to have those thoughts either. I want someone to tell me they’ll protect me from the person that hurt me. Yeah I’m grown and I “can” do it myself but I want someone to help me protect me or just say they’ll keep me safe because I know I’m not in danger anymore but I feel like I am because I have PTSD so I just want someone to pretend for me. Just tell me that they’ll keep me safe so I can relax. I’m safe from myself now, I know I’m not going to hurt myself but I will likely never feel safe from the person that hurt me again, and whether or not I’m safe from myself the intrusive thoughts terrify me. I’m tired of being on edge, terrified all the time. I’ve been tired for over ten years. I don’t want to live in fear that someone might come get me. I’ve been hurting for so long and I don’t want to be that friend who’s always hurting. I want to be the happy friend. But I walk around with flashes of horrible things in my head and it’s hard to pretend like that’s not happening to me.

I just needed to tell someone I’m struggling to let it out. I’m trying so hard to get better and I have improved a lot, I’m just having a hard time the last couple months. Thanks for reading

Lately my therapist and I have been discussing why I SH instead of going to other coping mechanisms. I have over a dozen things that have worked in the past to varying degrees.

The two main reasons are: I think I don’t deserve to feel better, so I SH as a punishment, and/or SH is the fastest way to calm down when I’m in a rapid spiral.

Has anyone ever successfully let go of that belief? Do you have any tools for dealing with the concept of not deserving to feel better?

Thanks in advance!

I can't do this anymore.

I go to therapy every week. I work hard. I go to school. I am trying to do everything right, but nobody knows how much pain I am really in.

I'm in so much pain it feels like I'm choking on it. I recently realized that when I was 3 years old it was my dad who molested me and while I'm 30 now and that happened a long time ago, it's only now that I'm processing it and realizing it and I can't handle it. I have severe PTSD. Flashbacks everyday. Every night this week I've woken up with nightmares. I had an intake with a psychiatrist, I took the sleep med he prescribed but I still woke up in the middle of the night. I cried in the bathroom at work today, because I'm tired. Not just literally, but mentally tired and in so much pain. The only thing I want is to feel the release. Yet I hear my therapist's voice, "What if SH isn't releasing your pain, but is letting more of the world's pain in?" I don't know what to do. I wish someone would put me out of my misery.

I'm struggling really hard in life right now. Really, really hard. So fast I'm managing to get through it without self-harm (yay!). It's a real battle though. I know if won't fix anything but I seriously just need to disconnect for a bit.

I was hoping some folks might be able to offer words of encouragement, success stories, generally happy things, things they're proud of. I just need some positivity.

I had a therapy appointment yesterday. It went really well, we covered a lot of ground and discussed the self-harm in length. I felt competent, like I could finally handle things. Then later in the evening it all went to shit. I mostly hit myself. It's a spectrum of severity, and I've done and sometimes wish to do more violent things to myself, but the fact that my fists are always there or something is always around that I can bang on my head with just makes it too easy.

I feel like when I lose control of my emotions I have no choice. It's like the only way I can have some semblance of control. I hate being this way. I feel like I reach a certain point and there are just no other options and my body takes over and hurts itself.

I've been actively working on quitting for over 2 years and I can't seem to get more than 40 days. Recently I'm lucky to go a week or two. I don't know what other strategies to use. It just feels hopeless. I'm just rambling, but can anyone relate? I'm shouting into the void for some hope of a way to change things.

somethings things go decently fine but not well and other times it’s like suffocating and i hate having to cut but it’s a cycle that never ends. this university term i’ve had no heating despite paying £200 a week for my accommodation and staff ignoring my requests, group project members leeching off me which has caused my other marks to drop down. no in person support just have to do it alone why are some so unlucky ?

The addiction part of this is really standing out for me right now. Like most of the time my drive to sh has been for emotional regulation and that sense of release, letting the pain out. But lately it's been less about that and more just this need, craving for scars. I feel like my scars are pathetic and so need to make new ones better ones proper ones. I'm so tired of feeling invalid and not good enough

I had ECT in January and it has quieted my mind down a lot. I’m grateful. I’ve been sh free since then, and my life has actually been going quite well, but the urges still come up and I can’t bring myself to delete accounts and totally stop seeking out triggering content. I’ve developed a gym habit, and that’s been really helpful because I know I can’t workout if I sh, and I’m engaging in lots of other healthy habits (journaling, meditation, walking) but sheesh, the urges still come up and come in STRONG!! I know I need to keep doing what I’m doing and create new neural pathways, but it’s so frustrating that I even took up this habit in the first place and that I’ll have to consciously fight the urges probably for the rest of my life. Sending kindness to everyone else fighting urges tonight!

I never do my arm. I try so hard to stick to my legs because it's easily covered. But I had such a bad day and I did my arm yesterday. I work with food.. I've got to wear a bandage on it. Everyone can see it. I feel so stupid

(18)I wanted to know if using the tip of sharp objects and implanting them in the skin is considered self-harm since I recently started doing it, I apologize in advance if the question seems stupid to you

I threw out my sharps two weeks ago and have been clean a little longer than that. But goddamn I miss them. It feels really stupid to miss them like I’d miss a friend, but I really do. I’m so close to going out and buying more, I don’t like not having a safe option to cut.

Last year have been a real struggle, especially when my ex left me because of me. Have always struggled with mental health and just I recently I am in a program to determined if I have an autism or adhd. In sick leave from work in and out from er/ psych ward and self harm with pills and minor burns. Just want support and ranting. Best regards from Sweden. Ps excuse my bad grammar.

i’ve been 7 months clean and i’m proud of that, but i don’t think that pride trumps the sadness and anger and rage and loneliness and disappointment and self loathing that’s boiling inside me. and every day it gets a little worse, and every day that pride diminishes a little more and every day it seems less and less worth it. i just want to feel something physically to take away all the emotional feelings. idk guys

Even once I go through treatment and learn things to help manage whatever condition I’m dealing with, I will still have something wrong with me at the end of the day. It was so unhelpful to me being told by mental health professionals that how my brain is made and whatever experiences I have make me who I am. I just want to know what life would be like to live with a mind that functions well on its own. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life managing my moods and putting so much effort into just being able to exist. I don’t want to have to manage something I just want to not have to even deal with it in the first place. I don’t want to have do things that prevent me self harming, I just wish my brain never saw self harm as an option. Even in times when I am feeling well I have to constantly worry when my mood is going to drop right down or I feel embarrassed by dumb decisions I made when I was feeling too good. I want to know what it’s like to have a good nights sleep instead of sleeping too long and still feeling exhausted or barely sleeping at all. I don’t want to go from feeling like I want to die to feeling untouchable, it’s exhausting.

I’ve been told to keep a mood diary by my university psychotherapist and having to try be more aware of how I feel is constantly stressing me. I feel like I’m constantly examining myself and it makes me feel more ashamed of my emotions. And I feel like my thoughts and feelings are being influenced by the fact I have to record them to present to someone else. I have never felt more hopeless than when the psychotherapist guy started suggesting conditions he thought described my situation. The first thing I asked was will it go away only to be told in a roundabout way no but you can manage it. I want a new brain

I'm so confused. So, my new psychiatrist emailed me a summary of our appointment. In it he mentioned SH and it said to tell my fiance and call 911 or go to emergency if I had thoughts of self harm or suicide. In response I (mind you I'm 6 months clean, just really struggling with urges lately) asked him what would happen if I did relapse and should I tell him that at our appointments if so but made it clear the plan was to not have that happen. All he did was reiterate what he already wrote.

So, what does that mean??? Is he just covering his ass or what? Now I regret asking. I feel worse not better. 😭