Hey y'all.

So I've been clean for a while now, around seven years, and for the last four or five, there will be times when as soon as I wake up, relapse is the first thing on my mind. It's like before I have any coherent thoughts, before I even register that I'm awake, relapse. Sometimes I don't even want to, I'm in a good mood, I don't know where the feeling comes from. Other times I do.

I feel like if I wasn't dealing with this on a daily fucking basis I'd be fine. I wouldn't even really be thinking about it. It's been years, you know? But every morning. It's the first thing on my mind.

does anyone else deal with this? whether in active sh or not.

It doesn't help that recently I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to keep my clean streak. And I'm not really sure if I care all that much. I miss it, and it's never really occurred to me WHY it's so bad, especially if I'm safe about it. No one can really give me an answer on that one either. Probably just rambling at this point. Thanks for reading. ❤️

The last few days I've been really close to relapse and honestly it feels like sh is inevitable at this point I honestly don't think I can fight off the urges much longer. I'm dealing with so much stress at the moment and everything is so overwhelming and the coping strategies I have are good but only seem to get getting me so far but I've been clean for 6 years but right now it feels like my only option to get some kind of relief.

TW: hitting styro, bleeding, having a panic attack, etc

even during my mid 20s it didn't make my panic like it does now, but now, in my late 20s, I hit styro tonight for the first time in years (I relapsed recently after a few years of being clean) and my god I panicked so hard! the whole 9 yards, feeling like I'm going to throw up, feeling super hot and sweating, mind racing, eyes darting back and forth, etc. now I'm in my bedroom on the floor typing this and trying to stay calm.. I still need to put a bandaid or something on it. luckily the bleeding finally stopped tho.

I am afraid of ink poisoning, at least after how much time after applying to a cat scratch wound is it safe to do

My partner said he could not handle all of my scars and while I've been active recently with a relapse he hasn't seemed bothered previously. We're only a few months in but he's seen them before and not said anything. He said he understands that my mental health is not in a great place but that the scars are embarrassing to be seen with if I don't actively cover them. I'm heartbroken and feel so unlovable now and like I will never find anyone I can be open with again.

I’ve been struggling with PTSD, anxiety, and other mental health issues since I was 5 years old, and I’ve never fully recovered. I moved to the U.S. a year ago, but nothing is going right, and I’m experiencing severe psychological distress.

How can I receive treatment? If I were to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital, would it be free, or how does the process work?

i just need someone to talk to who understands. i am open to DMs-- i am non binary late 20s and struggling for the first time in a while. thx for reading anyway

I primarly SH ages 9-19 and wasn't able to stay clean for anymore than a few months at a time. After that I was able to do 6month and years stretches of SH soberness. I moved on to none externally visible forms nowadays- so my SH-er mindset is still very present and I am not better.

My left arm is 97% completely faded now. Bar two burn scars that need another 5months to go fully white and flat. The fact that I still have these purplish scars that aren't tattoo ready yet, in itself is a trigger. I keep thinking why not push the fading wait time just a bit longer.

My impulsivity is bad at the moment. My natural self preservation response feels dulled and I am have periods where the world and myself feels uncanny and not real. This is making it extremely difficult to cope with these urges. I also have a terminally ill father whose on hospice. I know that a relapse rn would be very selfish and inappropriate, if I where to be found out. My family are too mentally overwhelmed by this situation to be understanding, if they saw.

I had my less bad right arm fully covered with a sleeve. It was so helpful. And helped me hate myself slightly less. I remind myself over and over that this cover up will symbolically close the chapter of my SH years

I almost fully only have SH on my arms. I am secretive and long sleeved for 13 years now. I wish to go short sleeved with both arms covered in pretty art.

I hate my scars, hence why I've been dreaming of the day of this tattoo sleeve but still the niggling, condictory SH voice persists. I know deep down i'll be ashamed of myself and deeply regretful. I want to see the fat, the blood, the unique metallicly smell. I get rushes of adrenaline thinking of a relapse. It's driving me insane 😢

Sh at work is a new low. I feel so pathetic and lonely.

Just end up crying every night and beating my head till I feel lightheaded.

I’m struggling with thoughts of self harm this week. I see my therapist in about a week. I usually end up harming myself if I tell him about it. By the time I’m talking about it I’ve seemed to have already made a decision that I’m going to. I don’t know how to break this pattern. Does anyone else struggle with this? Once I bring it up it’s almost like I’m giving myself permission to do it.

I don’t know if he’s picked up on this, I don’t always tell him that I have after talking about it. He told me that he didn’t want to use self harm as a measure of progress for me - so maybe he has? (This doesn’t mean he avoids the topic). But this has in a lot of ways been really helpful because I don’t feel like I have to pass the test or prove anything. I’m not sh frequently right now, but it’s getting harder to not do it. I’m afraid if I talk about it, I’ll end up doing it. Does anyone relate/have advice?

Hi~ I literally have no one else to speak this to, I have no friends (was a choice and I don't feel bad about it) and can't access medical help for the moment. I'm over 23 years and I think I started sh when I was 11. It has been an on and off thing but lately I have a pretty bad relapse and now it's far more consistent. The thing is... I do not feel bad about this, I can understand this is a bad copy mechanism but I can't feel bad, remorseful or guilty for this, I want to do it and I know is wrong, yes that doesn't stop me. I'm not looking right now for ways to resolve it. Things are better, new job and I'm coursing college but this is still part of everything... just wanted to get it out of my chest as I find this to be quite confusing.

I had a terrible day at work. I'm not good at my job even though I keep trying my best. Everyday I go with a positive attitude and willingness to learn. But is so exhausting that's it's never enough. I'm already looking for another job because I have the feeling that I'm not liked or supported. In the contrary, I feel blindsided and gossiped about. Once I find a new job I'm leaving.

I felt so stupid and worthless. I started crying and hour ago and couldn't stopped since. I tried so hard not to sh but knowing myself I needed to because I was a mess and couldn't stop crying. Also I could not sleep. I tried crying myself to sleep to not sh but was impossible. The memories of the calmness, sting, and rush I get when I sh did not leave my mind. I had to do it my body, mind, and heart craved it so bad.

Once everyone was asleep, I peacefully sat in the floor like trash and curled up in the corner of my room to do to myself what I deserved. Without fearing someone knocking or walking in. I would literally die if someone found out. Idk what I would do or what they would say. God forbid that's one of my biggest fears.

While doing it, I felt such a sense of relief, control, and strength with every **** I made to myself and slowly stopped crying. My thighs and upper arms are all butchered.

I hope that better days come soon. And that one day I leave my "little secret" in the past. In these moments I also long and hate myself for wanting to hurt myself everytime I feel stressed or really sad. I'm not normal who in their right mind does that to themselves. And I can't tell anyone about this little habit of mine they would not understand and think that I'm crazy or a danger. Thankfully I found this group where at least I can openly talk about it. I just wish I could be normal and handle stressed/ sadness like other people but I cannot even though I try so hard. I know someone day I will stop, just not today but some day I will.

I'm getting urges to do a type of SH not often discussed here. My blood test results came back perfectly normal yesterday.

Idk if they test absolutely everything as routine in the UK though.

Which is making me confused about why my heart rate is between 95-140+ resting (or just moving between rooms at home) these days. For reference my normal until 2024 was 80's to 90's. My blood is also not clotting after 5+ minutes outside the body. The doctor didn't acknowledge either of those issues.

But because of those results, I've been getting more urges to do more of that particular method. Because it can't hurt, surely I'm totally OK and my body is just being stupid and dramatic with the above symptoms??

Any advice?

I used to be very active on this sub from another account, but that was years ago. The self harm slowed down and finally stopped. I’ve probably been clean for a year now. I hadn’t even been bruising myself, and purging only happened every several months.

But I’ve been missing it. My disability is creating inescapable chaos in my life everyday and I’m terrified about money and I’m terrified about my future healthcare. I am not in control and it is too much. It is just too much.

I’ve only stayed clean this long because I have a lot of sexual partners and I didn’t want them to see. I don’t want to be shamed. I’m not sure I even want to be pitied. I just want to feel that familiar release and control again. I thought about putting pins under my fingernails but I really want to just cut. And if they see it, so be it. They might never know how hard I’ve fucking tried to bring order to my life and to resist the endless call of a sharp object, but I know. Fuck it.

Ive given all my sharp things to my friends. Everyone tells me its a bad idea. I know its bad when I hurt myself. I just am struggling with other coping mechanisms. They dont work the same. They dont fill this thing inside me. Nothing really fills it, no matter how much i give it. The only really thing that makes me feel some relief is hurting myself. Im so frustrated with myself for relapsing in august. I was doing so good, i was 3 years clean. Now im back to the same shenanigans i was for years. i just want a break from the addiction :c

How do I tell my parents I SH?

Possibly triggering

I’ve had a long history of s/h now, different types and it’s difficult to talk about without significant stigma with the mental health professionals I do go to.

I lost three people this month, a client, a coworker, and now my therapist. I don’t really know what to do. I’m overworked, I’m doing school, a practicum, and working almost full time and it all feels like it’s too much to bear. I’ve been teetering about going back, but trying my best not to. It would only disappoint my loved ones and the part of me that wants to heal. I feel like I never processed the grief of losing clients last year and my other coworker. I was in DBT and working hard to emotionally regulate myself and I was really improving but this month I feel like I set myself back again. I started smoking and drinking more, and I had to ask my partner to hide anything sharp in the house.

I don’t know how to process this level of grief and I feel like taking it out on myself, I guess it’s that old thought process of wanting to feel any other emotion.

I haven’t used any tools since 2021, but almost did on multiple occasions. Otherwise it’s mostly behavioural or not tool related s/h if that makes sense. I don’t want to go back to any of it, but it’s that sense of familiarity that kills me. I wish we were given the option to speak freely about s/h ideation so it wouldn’t be as stigmatized, it’s hard to learn how to cope without addressing the maladaptive coping mechanisms. I had an emergency counselling session with my university and I just said I would like “life to pause” in a movie sense, where I could just rest, grieve, catch up, then press play when I felt ready. The counsellor immediately took it as SI and I just felt myself shutting down. My therapist would be fine with me discussing low risk SI and even some s/h as long I wasn’t at imminent risk you know? I don’t really know where I’m going with this honestly, I just need somewhere to put these thoughts out without worrying my friends or partner even more than they already do.

Fingers crossed I don’t mess up my 4 year tool-free streak, but I’ll try to be more compassionate about it if I do since we’re just human. I used to get into an abusive cycle with myself and it only made things worse. I’ll try to be easier on myself over the next few days and keep my mind occupied so I can ignore any urges/cravings I guess.

I've been having thoughts of cvtting on my vagina lately. First it started with wanting to do it on my breasts which I did. Now I feel eventually it's gonna happen there. I'm ruining my whole body. DAE do it there?

They were just some very small cuts but I’m planning on cutting deeper when I get home. I feel like I can’t stop myself. I’m just so ashamed

I dont know if this is something that was already talked about or not, but it just clicked for me.

So as we know many kids from past generations got "disciplined" after "doing something wrong" etc, me included. I failed chem (I know its not the end of the world) and i was walking home from the tram, and i was walking quite fast and my legs started hurting and i felt like "you deserve it" almost? I havent used a sharp item on myself in years and i dont really think i want to now, but i realize i feel like this every time i feel like i "failed" even if at first it definitely didn't feel like a big deal, in the end i always feel like that.

Edit: to summarize: my conclusion is that its connected to childhood trauma

The first time I cut myself was I was about 15. I did it to manipulate. I didn't it to stop my parents fighting. At least once a week.... they'd start yelling. Then you'd hear thuds as a body would slam against a wall. Then you'd hear things breaking and screaming. The anticipation of the escalating violence was unbearable to me. I couldn't take the tension anymore. I cut in front of them when they were fighting. It worked. It made them stop in that moment. But it caused so many more problems afterwards. I realise I was manipulative in what I did but I didn't know what else to do. I used to cry and beg them to stop but they'd tell me to go to my room. I'd try to use my voice but they'd tell me it was none of my business. I didn't mean to he manipulative but I didn't know how else to make them stop.

After a while I started cutting for emotional regulation. It made the sudden and intense gross feelings I'd get go away. I don't know how I discovered it. It just felt the need to cut myself one day... anything to not feel disgusting inside. I felt no physical pain when I cut but I felt the those gross feelings dissipate. I cut a few more times and those gross feeling would feel manageable again. I cut some more and they'd be gone. I remember after I first did it I lay on the bathroom floor exhausted... but confused and amazed at what happened. Like I discovered a way to hack my overly brain.

All these years later I still cut for emotional regulation. I cut in places not easily seen like my leg and thigh. I don't want anyone to see my scars... I don't want to be accused of being an attention seeker or manipulative. I don't want anyone to know.

But... the newest reason I'm cutting is to stop me from killing myself and this scares me sometimes. They call this thing "non-suicidal self-injury" right? I guess that's still correct, none of my cuts are lethal. But I think cutting is now the only thing stopping me going further.

There's something so wrong with me. I've used self-harm to keep whatever this is in check for all these years but it's not really working as well as it used to. I don't really know what to do anymore.

A few days of a month clean from sh, and all I can think about tonight is when I can relapse. I don't have a clear reason or motive other than I really miss it. I don't know how to separate my identity from sh and other destructive behaviours, I feel so lost without it. Anyone else experienced this feeling?

Some time ago I was really stressed and then I'm trying to cut but how too say it, I'm failed because my tool was no sharp enough and it didn't leave even the slightest scratch and after moment realizing I'm give up Like, what was that all about? I didn't get any harm, is this still selfharm? If you ignore this event I was clean for about six months and that's why this question worries me.

They hadn’t set their boundary before I made them uncomfortable. They’re not mad at me. I made a mistake—I know it’s not my fault.

And I still want to hurt myself. Fuck, what do I do?

hi hi im very new to reddit, but ive been having sharp, stabbing pains where my scars are? i dont know why and im js wondering if anyone knows what this means... and i hope im not dying or smth lol

Why cant I stop I feel like I'm addicted to it

It’s really loud. How do you fight it when you know it helps? Man I don’t have the energy to try any more.

ill (21F) be 4 years clean in march but i want to cave in and relapse so bad. i struggle with intense feelings of self-loathing and worthlessness. i also struggle with reaching out to people and asking for help, ive always felt like a burden even when i know im not. im not in therapy right now, i know i should be but whatever. the only thing holding me back from relapsing is the fact im an adult now and people would judge me more than they already do. i hate myself.

i’m going to a group tonight to hopefully make some new friends and socialise. i’m nervous but i’m looking forward to it. im not leaving for a few hours yet, i’m sat in my bedroom thinking about the logistics of my shower. what i can keep dry with limbOs and changing dressings of what i can’t and the like.

i’ve only got two open wounds, one on my hand, one on my lower leg. well three, there’s a lac on my arm too but that’s not so much of a problem.

my leg wound especially smells like absolute death. a lot of self harm wounds get gunky and gross at the bet of times, and wound gunk smells gross. but the last few weeks this wound has smelt like death, every so often there’s just a wound that’s smell is on a different level of gross you know? it’s horrid. it’s not infected or anything, if anything my hand is but i know my leg isn’t.

i just feel like everyone can smell it off me, like i’m some walking, rotting, corpse.