I feel a lot of shame about my mom. I’m ashamed of her sometimes, but mostly it’s how I feel about her. She’s currently not drinking after a health incident, and she got a new job. I’m starting to be hopeful, but I just don’t think she can do it. She has never admitted to having a problem, she has never talked about it. I don’t want to tell her all the horrible things I think of her, because I feel like that makes me a bad person. I wish that if she’s going to get sober that she would just remember being absent and apologize for it.

I just don’t trust that she won’t get bad again if she doesn’t take quitting seriously, and I’m tired of pretending to be happy for her when I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am ashamed of myself for feeling this way, even though if someone else told me this is how they felt, I wouldn’t tell them they should be ashamed.

I also feel really guilty because my friends hate my mom. I talk about my childhood and all my friends turn on her. I don’t think I’m lying about her, but I feel so guilty like I must be for people to feel the way they do. I do think that my childhood wasn’t great and I definitely had undue trauma from her neglect. I just feel like when someone tells me it was as bad as I feel like it was that I must be lying because no one ever did anything when it was happening.

I hosted Christmas at my house and I tried hard to make things nice and neat. I spent a lot of time preparing just for my siblings to nit pick every little thing. My parents refused to come to my home. The next year my brother hosted it and surprise surprise both parents were able to show up at his home. No one nitpicked his home, everyone gushed over how nice everything was.

I felt disgusted. I swore to not have anymor at my home because I felt so embarrassed by all that they pointed out. Also, this was like the fifth even my parents made it clear they werent bothering to come to my home. It hurt to see them so easily show up for my brother, like always.

I usually love my home and my things, I’ve never not been appreciative of what I have, but seeing them point out each grievance they saw. It was too much for me: for the first time I felt embarrassed over everything me and my husband worked for. I thought family shouldn’t make you feel this way. But it was ever more clear, when my brother hosted it (the golden child) he had no one nit picking. It went smooth as butter for him.

I laid off last year: changed my number went no contact with all of them. It was a peaceful Christmas. Now this holiday they are trying to get back together and have it at his house. They act like my children are loud and needy, while his daughter who doesn’t even walk is quiet and perfect. She really is a doll. But it grates my nerves because my dad always compares my children to me and my brother; the wild ones. My kids aren’t wild, they are kids. I feel like I can’t relax in the environment because they constantly criticize me and I think also view my children through the same lens. My brother has always been the perfect one and the title is going down to his daughter; whereas my title of whatever wild grievance scapegoat seems to be tricking down to my kids.

I have held on because I want my kids to know both sides of the family. I’m in therapy to work this out. My therapist told me I needed to trust myself.

I want to break the wheel: I thought I had by going no contact but I came into low contact and nothing has changed.

Wondering if anyone else here deals with that and how do you go about it

I don't know what the best options for me are. I am the adult child of two severely mentally ill alcoholics. I have an issue where I'll drink only slightly excessively (like 4 - 8 drinks per week; I am female) for months and then at a family gathering lose control and drink way, way more than intended. I have hit people, gotten violent, had the police called on me multiple times, accused innocent people of being child r*pists and threatened their lives. These are innocent people, immigrants dependent on me for financial support no less ... I am a monster. I am so, so scared of what this is going to mean for me in 10, 20, 30 years. I am scared I am going to do something I can't undo and I don't even know what my options are to guarantee preventing this. Lifelong counseling? Maime or disable myself to prevent myself from harming others? I have OCD as well so I don't know how much of this is just intrusive thoughts vs. reasonably fearing this part of me that clearly has no control over my behavior. Please help. I am terrified.

I’ve been struggling with this for years. I’m 20 now, and I think that I started noticing weird things around the time my parents got divorced (I was 8/9). My mom always drinks. It is impossible for her not to stop. It’s nothing hardcore, only wine right. But she always has to have it. If it’s finished she orders a courier to deliver it to her.

I feel that I pushed a lot of memories down, but I still have some flashes of weird situations early on. How I found my mom sleeping on our doormat after going out. Or how often she would leave the house at night and leave me as a kid - then I would wake up at night and be scared. I would try to control her and call her and ask her when she would be back. It’s funny, coz nowadays I wish for her to never be present so I don’t have to see her.

Evenings are triggering for me, because that’s when she starts drinking. She stinks of alcohol. I hate the smell, sometimes the whole apartment smells like that. I get triggered by the sound of her walking around the apartment. She’s bulimic so she spends most of her night eating and puking. It’s a relief when she’s passed out in her bedroom. I feel more comfortable then.

There were also very few instances when things got physical. I’m always angered, sad, irritated, annoyed (anything you can think of) when she’s drunk so sometimes it shows. I remember that one time she was mad at me for using the bathroom too long, and I must have blurted something inappropriate out - like a swear or sth, and so she started hitting me, I fell on the bathroom floor naked where she kicked my fucking ass. Yeah I don’t think that’s normal. But it was only once. And it’s not like she sits around all day. She has a job, a partner, friends, we have pets… although that makes me remember when she apparently got her heart broken or sth because when I returned from school she was still drunk from the day before - so it was like a one time 2-day thing I guess. I remember I felt so bad inside. I called my friend, and ran out to the park. I wanted to jump under a bus. For someone to take me away.

I’m sorry, this is getting really long now. The point I’m trying to make is that I am very conflicted and have been for years. I was always sceptical about calling my mom an alcoholic, because she doesn’t drink hard stuff, she functions normally on a daily basis, she cares for me - despite how these stories make her sound. I know she loves me. But sometimes it’s hard for me to love her. I just get so angry, and lost. Over the years there have been millions of conversations in the heat of the moment where I told her how I felt. She never accepted the label of alcoholic or even of having a problem, she always denied it. And only at some point as I got a little older she kind of went… yeah, I do have a problem… so what.

I’m sorry, I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I don’t even know if this is the right place - I literally just found this on the internet. It’s just that I’m 20 fucking years old, my mom is snoring, drunk in the next room. And I feel like a little scared and lost kid. If anyone reads this thanks I guess. Love to you

A bit of background, I left home around 17 with my boyfriend and we have been living together ever since, but spent the first 17 years of my life living with both parents. My childhood was traumatic to say the least, my mother in an alcoholic trance most nights, attempting to end her own life in front of me, abusing my dad and making up lies to police about him resulting in social services visiting, hiding whilst drunk and making us drive for hours to find her, pulling my hair and breaking my possessions, the list goes on but you get the general idea.

During lockdown she had a head injury which ended up with a hospital stay that revealed a pretty serious brain tumour, she was living on her own until a few years ago when she was put into a sort of care home. I have probably seen her about 4 times since she has gone in.

I had my little girl 2 years ago and she has seen my mum once, after not being bothered to remember her name (and no she doesn’t have problems with memory, this is unrelated to the tumour) and overall denial of her previous behaviour I have decided I really just don’t want my child to be around the lifestyle I was.

She has been asking recently when I am visiting and when I’ll be taking my little one to see her.

I’m going through the process of getting a ptsd diagnosis and this has contributed to a lot of mental health issues for me later on in life and don’t wish to continue living my trauma.

I guess I’m just asking if anyone else has had similar experiences and how to navigate this without confrontation or just how you made it easier for yourself.

I’m (26F) new to the sub and the concept of ACOA. My dad (57M) is an alcoholic and my mom (52F) is the codependent enabler who has turned into and alcoholic and avid benzo user. I have four siblings - the oldest (35F) has completely cut the family off, second oldest (29M) comes around maybe every 2-3 years, and youngest sister (25F) has slowly started slipping away. I am the third in birth order, and I am the only one who has stuck around and tolerated this mess. I visit them often to make up for my siblings.

I think I’ve been in denial about my family situation for a while. I’ve known my dad was an addict and that my parents were codependent, but I didn’t realize just how violent the cycle of abuse was in the house. Now that I’m older, I see that dad ruined our family and made my mom into a shell of a person. I find myself afraid for my life when I’m home, even as an adult. I guess it’s finally clicking that that is not a normal feeling to have around family.

My mom’s best friend is also an enabler and convinces my mom to stay with my dad even when things are physically dangerous. She has also told me that I just need to love my dad more, and then he might consider getting sober. Wild thing to say. The sad thing is, I think my mom likes the abuse. She loves the attention she gets from it and she loves the way he comes back around after he’s mistreated her. My dad will black out in public and start yelling at her and she doesn’t care. I feel like she likes looking like a victim.

I have a lot of resentment towards both of them, but right now I’m really angry with my mom. She never once protected her children from the abuse and sometimes even joined in. It feels like they wouldn’t even care if they lost everyone, as long as they had each other to fight with for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately, that is becoming the reality for our family.

I feel extremely guilty cutting them off, but I don’t have the self control to just keep my distance. I try to protect my mother and empower her to leave, but she won’t listen. I feel responsible to be the voice of reason. I guess I’m hoping other people have found the strength to start over without family. How did this affect your identity? How did your family respond?

My parents have been functional alcoholics my entire life (Im 39), and while Ive always “known” that its really hitting me now as my mom is declining noticeably and drinking more than I think she ever has.

We have had conversations where we talked around it a little, but Ive never flat out said directly “you are drinking too much and Im concerned for your health.” Watching my mom over the holiday my sister and I are now trying to make a plan about how to address her current state, but I fear its too little too late.

I vascilate between anger about having to parent my parents and grief/guilt that if I had done more earlier in my life or been more direct with them sooner, maybe things would be better. Just looking to see if anyone can relate and any advice for navigating this new and painful awareness about how deep their problems run.

With my mum it is:
- no impulse control
- no social skills and no social awareness
- selfish speech --> she blurts out whatever and never cares about the effects of her words (illogical, ill-informed, irrelevant, mean, etc)
- says airhead things and gives the impression her brain is made of swiss cheese
- all emotions expressed are very shallow and like a little girl who is faking it

With dad it is:
- poor connection between nerve endings and brain.
- confusion about mechanical things
- poor sequential and logical thinking

They are mid-70s, and what I notice is that these tendencies have been there since their 40s or 50s. The impairment has very gradually become worse over the decades.

Has anyone else been through similar things with their parents and also suspect it is linked to the alcoholism??

First time I’ve been in this situation with my mother. I don’t know her CIWA score yet, I assume I will find that out tomorrow. Tremors present, hallucinations, vomiting and extreme thirst. I don’t fully understand how there can be withdrawal symptoms if she hasn’t quit drinking so I’m just very confused by that. Her doctor seems great and very direct which I appreciate. I will know more tomorrow but just curious about others’ experiences and what to expect. They told me day 2 or 3 could be much worse.

I am getting married next month. My dad has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember (I’m 27) with no desire to change or get help.

He has ruined so many family events. He always gets hammered and starts insulting everyone and overall just acts like a fucking asshole.

I invited him to my wedding because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn’t. But now I have so much anxiety. I don’t want his behavior to ruin my big day. I have been considering uninviting him but I don’t know if the drama that will follow will be worth it. Has anyone invited or (not invited) their alcoholic parent to their wedding? How did it go?

I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way… Just looking for some validation… I’m an ACA, and spend very little time with my parents. I’m used to spending lots of time alone around the holidays, but have been spending more and more time with chosen family. I’m pretty comfortable with my solitude too. As a big self-care move, encouraged by my therapist, I decided not to see them on Thanksgiving. Over the long weekend, I attended two big family gatherings hosted by my boyfriend’s family members. They both were so… normal. Which to me, is so… foreign. I almost feel like an alien. It’s just so bizarre that my boyfriend has this big family, and they actually enjoy being around one another. At both events, I was asked if I’m seeing my family this week, and I just said “no” and kept the conversation moving. At the gathering today, we went around and all 16 or so people shared what they are thankful for. Almost every single person started their share by stating they were grateful for family. I had to actively try not to cry. I know it’s grief, realizing that I don’t have what these people have. I’ve been in therapy for ages and take antidepressants and go to Alanon/ACA, and I think it will always just be really hard to be among people who’s experience with family is so vastly different than mine. And of course they were talking about the multiple Christmas family events they host and asking if I’d be attending. Don’t get be wrong, I am grateful that they have been so welcoming and want to include me in everything. But… gosh it’s challenging. Thanks for listening.

Every time I go home to visit my father, he asks me to attend an open AA meeting with him. He goes every single night. He’s been sober for about a year now, and I’m basically the only support he has now.

But some times it just feels really inappropriate for me to be there because I still am so frustrated and angry and I don’t trust him to be sober. I feel like a fox in a henhouse. I’m respectful and polite to everyone I interact with. It’s just difficult to be there some times.

Has anyone else had to deal with this? Or have any opinions attending these kinds of things for your parents?

Hi everyone,

I am a 50 year old woman who grew up with parents who had different levels of addiction; one was an active drinker who was (apparently) an alcoholic (but I never saw him drunk or maybe I just don't remember it) and my mother was a secret pill popper who would run hot and cold through my whole life.

I am an alcoholic myself - sober 10 years this July! - and I'm struggling with applying principles of ACA to my particular situation. I don't have any memories of either of my parents "altered", like, at all. But I know it affected how they raised me (or didn't) and I feel like this subtle death-by-a-thousand-cuts stuff has made me into a scared, distrustful, angry person who feels like they don't know what the hell is going on with human behavior. My father died when I had just turned 11 and for the longest time I felt like he was my person who left me with the other one who I don't trust and never did, but lately I'm remembering how he himself could be pretty cold and hard to get reactions of love from.

anyway I am feeling a bit alone after having fallen in love with an addict whom I've since (and very recently) gone no contact with. It's not a breakup since he barely gave me the time of day but I did the limerence thing that I do because, I guess, of all of this stuff they piled on me. Just here to express all this to others who might get it, I guess. Thanks for listening.

Like everyone in this sub, I'm an adult child of an alcoholic. I just moved home from abroad, and to my regret I had to move back in with my father.

My father is nearly 70, and as such has discovered that he now has a lovely excuse for his alcohol-induced memory problems and poor behavior-- dementia!

No holding him accountable, no no, he's simply forgetful. Ignore the half-empty bottle of vodka under the counter, he's just acting wacky because of the disease he now insists he has. It's driving me crazy because I watch him drink (pretending its just soda), know where he hides his alcohol, and see him get more obnoxious the longer the day goes on as he sips alcohol like it's water, but heaven forbid I say anything the next day about how he acted because he'll pull an "oh woe is me, you know you should be more compassionate, I simply don't remember, I must have had hallucinations-- you know dementia does that to you" and then the next day is a repeat of the last.

This is just another development in his lies and excuses-- he used to say he used to fall down (drunk) because he has parkinsons. All I can do is roll my eyes and say mhm everytime he goes on one of his rants. I kinda wonder if he convinces himself that all of his insulting excuses are real.

For context he’s a good dad, he put me first his entire life. The one thing is he’s verbally abusive. For as long as I rmb he has been screaming and cussing us all out including and especially to my mom. He’s hit her most of our lives and this most recent time made her mouth bleed because he punched her in the mouth

I moved out 6 months ago and I’ve learned peace. Everytime I come home he’s screaming and crazy and I learned wow I can’t handle this. I found peace and now I resent him. Sometimes he’s reasonable but sometimes a fuse just hits him and he screams like crazy to the point of hitting us

I was driving back home with my parents in the car, 12 hour road trip and I was exhausted. We fought a lot throughout the drive there and now we’re doing the drive home. Every hour we stop at a McDonald’s or gas station to rest and eat and pee. He saw a rest stop and screamed for me to stop and I told him we wanted to wait and there was a McDonald’s coming up, he started his abusive screaming and I call it that because it isn’t normal screaming it’s the way he yells it’s loud and aggressive like he’s coming to hit you

And I’m driving and he’s sitting behind me, he said he’s going to hit me and started screaming threats I was trying to be patient but he kept going and going and getting angrier even though we passed the rest stop

Then I yelled at him that I can’t wait for him to die

I know it’s the most fucked up thing you can say to a 65 year old man who is very sick. I drove because of how sick and weak he is.

Obviously that made him madder and he yelled that he did everything for me and I’m so fucked up xyz

Am I the asshole here. What would you do I realized living alone I wish I could just live in a different country from my parents and have my own life. But I know my parents don’t have friends or a life of their own. So it’s so hard and sad. I feel bad for saying what I said but I can’t be around him when he’s having these episodes and they happen everytime I see him

I'm not really sure where to pose this question, but this seemed like the most appropriate place.

I am the youngest child of 5 (an accident), in my mid 30s. My father was an addict my entire childhood. It seems in the last 3 years my body has begun to decline. I have a neurological movment disorder, my spinal disc's are deteriorating, and I just found out I also have a thyroid disorder. I am on 10 different medications, along with twice weekly physical therapy and weekly talk therapy. I'm on a first name basis with my neurologist. I keep thinking it's the effects of aging but I'm not that old am I? So is it the fact that I'm the fifth child and my dna and genes are shit, or years of neglect and abuse at the hand of addict parent?

I keep coming back to the 5th child thing. The fact that I was never wanted. My family has never alluded to this, but I've long felt forgotten. I'm in a loving relationship and have children of my own. I want to be strong and healthy for them, but do I have control over this? Is it mental or physical??

Maybe this is just a vent...Anyway thanks for any and all advice.

Hello - My name is Madison Surrett. I am a fourth-year student in the School of Professional Psychology at Spalding University in Louisville, KY. I am inviting you and others you may know to join in a study about caregivers of those with substance use challenges (a caregiver here is defined as someone providing physical, emotional, mental, and/or financial support). The purpose of this study is to explore the experiences of those who are helping individuals with problematic substance use.

To participate, you must be 18 years or older and believe yourself to be a caregiver of someone with problematic substance use. You will be asked to complete a 15- to 25-minute online survey. You will answer questions about your life as a caregiver. These questions look at your view of individuals with problematic use. You will also be asked how caregiving affects your physical and mental health. You will complete this through the online survey linked below. Responses will be anonymous and cannot be linked back to you. Also, there is no penalty for withdrawing from this study at any time.

If you wish to participate in this online survey, please click the link below.

https://spalding.questionpro.com/TheCaregiverImpact

If you have any questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to contact me at msurrett@spalding.edu.

Thank you for your time and consideration!

Mom has been an alcoholic for 30+ years. Since I've gotten married (about 8 yrs ago), she's been getting worse and worse. My dad was always enabling and trying to force us to have a relationship with her regardless of her status and behavior (ex. When we were little, this translated to making her make dinner for us and sit at the dinner table while we were all to ignore her bring piss ass drunk). She's gone to rehab 7+ times, has done IOP, AA, counseling, etc but never fully commits or tries to reason with us that she can just get sober on her own.

My dad got very sick about 2 yrs ago and he recently passed away and my mom has been even more out of control since. She has pissed and shit herself repeatedly until I had to call an ambulance for her. She was hospitalized in the ICU for 9 days and eventually consented to going to rehab but again, fell asleep in class several times a day, refused sober living and is now home without any type of recovery program.

My dad paid all the bills, supported them and handled everything. After his death, I got a handle on everything so I could teach my mom (wishful thinking right?). Prior to this, I was minimal contact with both of my parents due to my mom's drinking and my dad's denial/trying to force us to have a relationship with her. I now find myself in a very tricky situation, unable to go low/minimal contact because she has no one else but also really struggling with resentment and overall high stress feeling like I have to take on her household responsibilities. Any advice from anyone in similar situations?

A little more background.. I'm selling her house and moving her to a safer, 1-level with HOA. She has consented and wants this but she has not made this process easy. I have a younger brother who is not local and who has some emotional issues and is absent. I also have a young family of my own.

My dad has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. My mom tolerated everything because he's a high functioning alcoholic. Growing up, I thought it was normal for children to do everything around the house, especially when my dad was drunk, not until I witnessed how a typical family should be. I always tried to do the chores they left unattended and I was always the person available to hear them out. It's just now that I realised how much it has been affecting my life. I have low social life and I am uncomfortable sharing this part of my life to other people. I am at a point where I cry and have panic attacks whenever I hear the preparations when they are about to drink, during and after. I feel hopeless and traumatized just hearing the clatter of plates forks, bottles, and music. There are instances when I just want to be deaf and blind just so that I wouldn't see nor hear anything.it's always chaotic. Is wanting a normal life too much? I want to be strong enough to leave this place, I know I have and I need to. I hope other people don't experience this kind of life.

As an ACA, I find my job overwhelming at times.

In meetings over 5 people (or people I don't know well), for example, I completely freeze up. I either stumble over my words or don't speak up at all.

I struggle with:

• feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt
• speaking up and drawing attention to myself

Have you got any strategies to help you feel more comfortable and confident at work?

I’ve been experiencing tension with my roommate, who is also my best friend. Recently, he’s been telling me I’ve changed—that I’ve become more self-centered and less thoughtful. In some ways, I think he’s right; I have changed. But I don’t think that’s the whole story.

The truth is, I’ve been learning a lot about codependency in ACA and how it has shaped my relationships. I realized that I was acting in codependent ways with my friend, putting his needs above my own, making him the focal point of my life, and overextending myself to keep the peace. When I started making changes—like prioritizing myself and setting boundaries—he became more critical of me. It feels like his resentment is a reaction to me stepping back from those codependent behaviors.

This experience has made me realize how difficult it can be to shift a relationship once it’s been built on a foundation of codependency. I have tried to explain what I was learning and why I needed to make changes, but I don’t think he sees the connection between my recovery and the changes at home. He seems to feel hurt and abandoned, and it’s been hard to navigate.

As I’ve been working on my second step, I’ve also come to believe that surrendering codependency means surrendering the outcome of even the most important relationships. I’m learning to let go of control and trust the process. I’ve started building connections with other members in ACA, and that’s been a huge source of strength and support during this uncertain time.

I’d love to hear how others have worked through similar experiences in recovery. How have you navigated the challenges of changing relationships while staying true to your recovery?

A neighbor recently stopped to talk to me (65F), as he was jogging down the street. He said he was really bothered by my car window, and wanted to help me get it fixed. (The window fell down into the door). I've been covering it with a piece of wood, and it works for most of the reasons a piece of glass would. I take it out when I actually drive. He said he'd like to call around for an estimate too. I said I'm going to town in a few days, and can get an estimate then. (I've been here three years, and have never encountered him before.) He said he could put the money in my mailbox. (The people around here are strangely mistrustful - not wanting to say where they live, etc.) I said he could just come and knock on my door, and his reaction was that he goggled. It was weird. Yes, he stared with wide or protuberant eyes. We did exchange phone numbers. Then he asked me if I needed any help with paying for power, and turned his gaze towards the house. I said that I get plenty of help with paying for power. (I apply to every program that I can, but didn't tell him that). The house is a mobile home on permanent foundation, in a neighborhood with larger homes. So I was thinking: What does the house look poor to you? I'm just not sure I'm comfortable with the way he turned to look at the house. Am I being weird or oversensitive?

When I first heard this term, Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), it caught my attention. Once I looked into it, it appeared as if they were specifically talking about me and it kinda freaked me out. I also felt ... validated.

A HSP is just that - sensitive. I'm sensitive to light (florescents!?!? Ugh), to sound, movies, music, temperature, aromas, sights (can't unsee what I've seen), animals (I just KNOW stuff), and people. I'm sensitive to changes in their behaviour patterns, or a shift in their vibe. My empathy level is my greatest strength but also my biggest challenge. My emotions run close under my thin skin; I don't like polyesters or scratchy tags in my clothing, and I dress for comfort. My digestive system is also sensitive - I've had food poisoning a number of times - and I'm currently struggling with being underweight for the first time in my adult life.

Only recently did I think that maybe being an ACOA is related to HSP.

Please, I'd appreciate any input or perspective. Thanks for reading

Spent last 11 years figuring out why I’m so depressed, anxious, couldn’t finish school, find job or have any friends, relationships.

Codependent dad is a slave to narcissist mom, the whole family revolved around her, she would get upset, angry at random crap and everyone have to bend over backwards to make her happy.

I struggled in school due to mom wanting to move to a new country to pursue her dreams of making me successful so she can feel good about herself. The only part was she didn’t think she needed to put much work into supporting me, nurture and love me. It’s almost hilarious if it weren’t so sad.

Of course I struggled in school and mom got upset at me, and at my dad for not fixing me to make her happy, what a disastrous and toxic dynamic. They couldn’t see all the stress, lack of support and skills by them was causing my problems in school, so they blamed me for being lazy, stupid, and playing too much video games.

What a despicable bunch of trash, less than human, I pray every day that they suffer and be condemned to enteral punishment in hell.

Anyone else had codependent and narcissistic parents?

Hi, I’m in ACA but could really use the extra support right now. I’m currently no contact with my mom and my dad’s family, and the holidays have been so hard on me.

Is there an active discord group that chats often? I haven’t found one so far, and chat works the best for me since it’s flexible.

Hello. Just discovered the group in a moment of desperation. My mother is too afraid to divorce my alcoholic father. He also has mental illness, possibly delusional disorder. He constantly torments her and is horrible to everyone. But on the outside he tries really hard to seem "nice".

My little brother is disabled and his opinion would not be taken into consideration. While usually custody is given to mothers, especially in the case of children with disabilities, my mom and I are still afraid because my father is very vindictive.

I can't focus on studying and living my life and I am in constant fear he will get angry and do or say horrible things. I could live on my own, of course, but I am very attached to my mom and brother and worry about them all the time. I study a really hard topic and I am afraid my father is also ruining my professional future and often I was not able to study due to the noice he made during evenings and nights.

I just needed to vent, that's all.

Hi,
I'm looking to vent a bit, but also looking for advice.

My mother (67) is in a downward spiral, has been for a while. A year ago, her husband (my stepfather, 81) had an accident to his head, he's now basically a vegetable and in a care home, with a legal guardian assigned by the state. They had a house and an antique shop, and were this inseparable codependency couple. She had been using him as a emotional punching bag for the last 20 or so years. When I was a kid, that was my role. My father died in a car crash when I was young.... I think she has massive guilt because of that, and somehow she couldn't really take care of me then.. she is extremely conflicted about all this, and I believe she started drinking at that time.

The antique shop has been dissolved, and all the inventory was moved to the house, which has been sold to the neighbours. My mother is still living in it, but it's unclear what's going to happen. The neighbours are tolerating her and all her stuff for now, and she might get a rental contract with them. Through the selling of the house, they both have some money for now, but it will eventually run out. Her husband's monthly medical bills are quite high. He might last a while in that state, as long as food is supplied to him.

She is in full denial about her alcohol problem and refuses to get any help.

My younger brother and me went visiting to pick up some of our things from the house yesterday. The legal guardian was with us... it wasn't what I would call a staged intervention, but for me it was important to mention to her that, whatever happens, the fact that she keeps drinking will prevent any improvement. She simply denied that she is drinking at all. But just 2 months ago, she was picked up by an ambulance, when passed out at the side of the road with a vodka bottle.

As for myself (42m), I've been able to finally turn my life around in the last 2 years. I do have good income, a stable home, some good friends. Most importantly, I've learned to be and stay in touch with myself. Things were quite unstable before that. Oscillating between deep existential crisis and restarting a life that was never quite my own. Talk therapy, re-engaging with deeply buried emotions, and somewhat accepting what I had experienced as a child, has helped tremendously. Learning to take care of myself became possible after fully breaking contact to my mom (10 years ago), and reconnecting with my brother (5 years ago) - we were not able to have a good relation while we were still both somehow involved with our mother. But now we are supportive of each other.

I usually feel fear and anger towards my mother, but today, I feel just sad.

When we were visiting yesterday, I was at first feeling nauseous and kept my distance (there was somehow the looming idea of her over the last few months to move closer to me, into the city where I live, which made me feel sick in the gut), but I did realise that she is not the enemy, that I don't need to fear or fight her anymore (which was what I learned to do as a small kid). She is simply a helpless old woman that is very ill. She was nervous too, but it was clear that she isn't trying to be so controlling and aggressive anymore as I vividly remember her from the past. She was truly happy to finally see us, and in a way, I felt the same. And when we left, I could feel a sadness, in me and also in her... I felt that we were almost unnecessary cold towards her when we visited to just get our stuff. I guess I can have compassion for her, where before, this was masked by fear.

I shouldn't have any illusions about her recovery, but I believe that a huge reason for her troubles is that she is partially aware that she failed us and that this is such a huge taboo for her, she simply cannot allow herself to feel into that, and keeps pushing against all the guilt with alcohol.

Now.. it seems to me, that it's actually possible for me to accept all that.. to be able to work towards reconciliation. I have forgiven myself, but I do realise, that this will only be complete if I can forgive her too. It's bound to happen at some point, the question is, will she still be alive then.

So how would I best approach this, if I don't do it only for myself, but also for her? I want to avoid the danger of entanglement in her affairs... Navigating potentially getting closer to her emotionally, while staying safe... Any advice on that?

thank you

Life’s just really scary at the moment and I don’t know to get out of this darkness that I’m in. My father ruined everything and my house is gone now too all because of him. The past two years I was so out of it that I ruined my careers prospects too. There’s no peace anywhere for me in this world anymore. I really think I’m not gonna make it out of this one. I just wanna go home.

Long post and background:

As a child my parents would drink and fight every night. The fights would often get physical with each other. A few times the cops were called. At a very young age we (siblings) did not have a baby sitter or supervision because both parents were working and I don't think my mom wanted people to know what was going on in the house. She would tell my siblings and I specifically to not tell people. Because we had no supervision we would find ourselves locked out of the house, literally eat plants growing in the yard and woods for food and get sick from this.

At age 10 my parents divorced and my mom moved us to the city because it was cheaper. My older sibling got into drugs and ran away permanently as a teen. My mother was often violent with us. My dad was not much in our lives but he died young regardless. Living with my mom there was minimal food and clothing, but she would go out to eat for herself and had everything she needed. She viewed us as a burden. As soon as we were old enough we got jobs so we could buy our own food and clothing. I moved out at 17 and went to college on student loans out of state.

I have done well for myself as an adult and have lived away from my family of origin. I have my own chronic health conditions which are genetic and I wonder if it may have been what contributed to my father's death. My mother is elderly now but in basically perfect health. Over the years she will claim she may need some surgery or another, but it never actually happens. I think it's for attention.

She is still an alcoholic and has never acknowledged my childhood. A few years ago she acted like she wanted to be more involved in my life because she is old and may need a caretaker soon. She was so rude and entitled and still the woman she has always been that I haven't talked to her in 3 years. She sends me guilt inducing messages periodically. I wonder why she isn't invested in the family near her who want to spend time with her? The sibling who ran away wants a relationship but my mom doesn't care. I think because that sibling has no money. My mom could care less about her grandchildren and has never met her great-grandchildren.

I have a son(28) he wants to marry my husband’s cousin’s daughter, make sense?🤣 I have mixed feelings about it! My husband does not know yet, my son has not told him. Back story…. My husband and I got married when my son was 3yrs old(so, not biological), he was raised with said cousin since then, they lost communication for some time, she was going through a divorce(she has 2 little girls)and she reached out to my son, maybe for an advice- comfort thing,they were close when they were young , the relationship grew stronger from there, they ended up becoming a thing and now are engaged, her parents do not approve of the relationship and have turned against my son, knowing who he is and where he came from.During this time they have had an on and off relationship and she has hurt him and they broke up,she even had an abortion and didn’t tell him,she reached back out and they started back up again , I just don’t want her do hurt him again, that’s what I’m worried about! He’s very loving and wants to be married and have children, he’s planning on their future together, he was in the Army and is willing to use his VA loan for their house in the future, I don’t want him to see the future the way he sees it and she ends up changing her mind again! Lord help me!!