Hi. Oldest daughter here. My mom is claiming to be sick. Physically sick. I live 3 hours away from here. I have been at every appointment. No help from siblings. She is married btw.
Well the moral of this story is she isn’t sick. Not physically. She talk us her kids that she has dementia. And that a doctor told her that. So of course of us was hurt. But come to find out at her doctors appointment, medical there is nothing wrong with her. Dr said she is clinical depressed and have very bad anxiety.

Which pissed me off because I took time off work. Thinking she was ill. I asked her in front of the dr who told her she had dementia. She said she looked up her symptoms and came up with it herself.

Here is where y’all advise come in. We didn’t talk for about 8-9 months. Her doing, not mine. Her found a new husband. So she stated she was living her her now. Fine. Now that she is “sick” she needs me. My issue is why do you need me now? I don’t feel bad for not wanting to be there for her, because she put me and my siblings to the side for months. But we are just supposed to drop of lives to help. Keep in mind that she is still married and he don’t not show up to appointments. But I expected too. Am I wrong for not wanting to help?

Mom, I want you to know that I love you. I love you more than I love myself. I am so proud of your decision to get sober. I am happy that you have a relationship with us, and a relationship with your grandchildren. I will be honest, little me wondered what day I would see first. Losing you or you getting sober. I’m happy it was not losing you. I am forever altered by losing dad, and I don’t know how far I’ll spiral when I lose you too. I have subconsciously made it my mission to make you happy, and that is something I’ll never be able to achieve. My biggest fear is that you will leave this earth depressed, and it crushes me because I’ve never seen you happy. I’ve seen you settle my entire life. It’s like I’m living my life trying to protect you, and in return I am permanently destroying myself in the process. I have written so many letters, over so many years, hoping to be able heal myself, just to throw them away. My intention has never and will never be to hurt you, and that’s why I’ve chosen to just suffer in silence for so long. But the more I do that, the more I stray away from a possible place of peace. I guess I just need to get some things off of my chest and I would love if you could hear me out. I know that what has happened cannot be changed, but I am struggling still to this day, as a result of my childhood. There is no need to go into detail, as we can’t go back and fix anything. The older I get, the fuzzier my memory gets but my mind and my body will never forget how I felt. Some things are etched so deeply into my brain, I’ll never be able to forget. I am eternally sad, and I’ve done years and years of self reflection and research with no luck. I have masked myself so much that I cannot tell who I even am. I’ll never know who I was supposed to be, who I could’ve been. My every day life is greatly affected, my marriage is affected, my internal self is affected. I cry so much, I beg god to just take this pain from me. I use getting drunk and getting high to distract myself from how much I hate myself. Who I’ve become. I can’t imagine feeling this way forever, and sometimes, I’ll be honest, it gets to be too much. I rather K ! L L myself than to be in this vicious cycle for another year. I rather that than to hurt anyone I love, to hurt you for speaking my truth. I rather bottle it up inside instead of being honest and open about my struggles. But I’m at the point that I either heal or d i e trying. It’s been very hard for me to move forward because I feel like I’m stuck in the past, I feel like I never really grew up. I still feel like a scared child. I lay awake at night and obsess over where it all went wrong. I replay all of the things that has ever happened, over and over and over again. I can still certain things very clearly, I can still feel certain feelings like they happened yesterday. I still remember nearly everything, even when I want to forget. I have tried medications, but they just gave me the courage to do what I really want to do. Which is K ! L L myself. I’m so full of burden. I don’t want to burden anyone with my sadness and despair. I want to run far away from everything I love; just so yall don’t have to suffer along side of me. I know that we’re all just operating through the lenses of what has happened to each and every one of us, and I know that papa was an alcoholic too, and I know that dads family was full of dysfunctional and addictions also, so I don’t fault you for doing the very things you learned. I know life has not always been kind to you, so I have all the grace in the world for you. Unfortunately the addictive personality was passed down to all 3 of your children, whether by default or by genetics. For the sake of my entire existence, it’s extremely important for me to continue a life free of substance. I thought that intoxicating myself was helping me heal but it’s just been distracting me, allowing me to hide from all the things I need to face. I see too many similarities in myself and you in your active alcohol addiction and it terrifies me. It shakes me to my core. I don’t know what the future holds for me. But for the longest, I felt like I was destined to leave this earth before the age that dad left, and that’s only 3 years from now. If I continue on this way, my mental health will take me out very soon. I haven’t given up, I’m still here, I’m still hanging on, and I’m still trying so hard to be and feel better. I hope that you and I can continue growing in our relationship, and maybe we can help each other heal. We have lots of years to make up for, and I desperately need your motherly embrace. I’m scared. I’m scared of reading you this letter. For now, I’m going to distance myself. I have a feeling I will be giving you this letter very soon. I love you, and I hope that you don’t hate me for the self reflection I may spark in you. I’m wishing you a life you are happy with, a life you are content in at the very least.

Has anyone been able to heal their relationship with their parent who continues to have problems with alcohol but is not abusive or anything of that nature?

My mom has had an alcohol problem since my preteen years because of trauma. (I am now in my late 20s.) She refuses to go to therapy and won’t admit that she has problems with drinking. She has never belittled me or been abusive, the friction in our relationship comes from me wanting her to go to therapy and drink less, but that has not happened and I need to accept that I can’t control anyone else’s actions but myself. It stresses me out.

When I am in a bad mood, if I talk to my mom, all that resentment tends to bleed into our conversation. I don’t talk to her about drinking anyone because it will only make me super angry. Therapy and going to adult children meetings hasn’t helped, but I’m thinking of looking for a therapist who specifically deals with this type of problem. If I try to not talk to her when she is in a bad mood, she feels rejected. I don’t know what to do, but I feel like a bad daughter.

I don’t want to be this kind of child. I want to be kind, supportive, and show her how much I love her and am glad that she is my mom. I feel like my anger that sometimes comes out negates any kindness I show her on the other days. I don’t care about who is right or wrong or whatever, all I know is that I can only control my own actions and I want to be the kind and sweet to her, even when I feel triggered. I need to be able to control my actions better.

Has anyone been through this? Any advice?

Hello! I used to be connected to a WhatsApp group that shared daily ACA meetings in its thread. I left the group bc I wasn’t ready to start that work yet but am now ready to begin exploring.

I’m curious if anyone hear happens to be in that WhatsApp group and can share the invite link with me (DM works!). I found it much more useful than the directory. I tried to search for one of the live chats in this chat but wasn’t able to find it. Thanks!

I’ve been financially helping out my parents since around 2020. I will randomly get hit up for few hundred dollars here or there, pay for new tires , etc. Everytime we’ve gone out as a family since I was about 17 I pick up the bill. Back in 2021 after I was hired for a new job I received my first ever signing bonus of 10k, after taxes more like 5/6 which was a big deal for me. Well I paid their rent that Christmas (around 1600).

Well there marriage is on the rocks and I keep getting distressed phone calls that my mom wants my dad out of the house and she’s worried he’s not going to give her his half of the rent from his social security. I take this as laying the groundwork to start asking me for more help if they do separate. She mentioned he’s been saying really hurtful things and blames her for them not having any money and blowing through his inheritance. I straight up asked well how much was the inheritance and she said around 100k. This was back in 2017ish, I was paying their rent and bills by 2020/2021. I’m sick to my stomach and just want to be left alone.

Hello, I work at the same small company as my alcoholic parent. They are a functioning alcoholic and able to hide their issues publicly. The parent and I work close frequently due to our roles in the organization.

I am “doing all the things” to heal from my upbringing (counseling, setting boundaries, letting trusted friends know). I want to leave the job because of working with that parent and how I feel towards them. Otherwise, I like my job and the other folks I work with.

As an acoa, what would you do if you were working with the alcoholic parent?

Need to rant and get this off my chest.

My mother is an alcoholic, my father is very detached and emotionally disconnected because of this. Growing up I was never allowed to have "negative" feelings, whenever I tried to express that I was angry or sad my dad would say "don't upset your mom" or my mom would say "don't start!". It really screwed me up and I've had a lot of therapy to unlearn the really repressive belief that my feelings are bad, or that my feelings are what caused my mom to drink. (She would always say she wouldn't have to drink as much if we didn't make such a fuss about it!). I've moved to the other side of the country now so rarely see them both, but recently I moved into my own place so my parents came to visit, during which I got upset about my dad's behaviour and told him and he said "let's not have any of this negativity" and I absolutely flipped and shouted at him that him and mom are both incapable of having constructive discussions about difficult things and that they never listen to me. He didn't really respond and obviously didn't take anything on board.

Today I spoke with him about an issue I'm having with the house, he starts talking about something that I know already (he also speaks to me like I'm an idiot most of the time) so I interrupt to say I already know this and he sarcastically replies "the problem is you never listen to these uncomfortable conversations".

I was so furious! For him to mock me like that, after I opened up about how the way they treated me when I was younger caused me so much struggle. The more I think about it the angrier I get. I feel like a fool for reaching out and maintaining a relationship with them when they do this.

Father died from DUI when I was 3. Mother was an alcoholic until I became an adult. Lived with mom and her abusive boyfriend often. When not with them, lived with grandparents. Felt emotionally neglected in both environments.

Felt betrayed

Don’t know the difference between me and my masks

I grew up having to read the room. Everyone seemed so angry, and lacked ability or the desire to give us what we needed.

I grew up spending so much time in my head, alone, now as an adult, I’m stuck in my head. I can’t live in the moment because I’m too busy thinking, worrying, wondering. Even in daily activities, I’m in my head. It’s like I live on the sidelines of life. I don’t recognize myself or this life I’ve created for myself.

I over think every move I make, down to casual conversations. I feel awkward and unnatural in every way.

Lack of true self, as I developed people pleasing tendencies. I mirror people, to make them happy, content with me. Try not to ask for much outwardly, and I will deal with the consequences on my own. I don’t want to inconvenience anyone besides myself. I don’t know which parts of me are real, and which parts I’ve made up to please the ones around me.

I hate the way I’ve learned to act and react. My feelings get hurt easily, and everything feels like a personal attack. My mood changes so quickly, and without notice. I realize that it’s dramatic, or it’s irrational, but I’m still unable to change my mood.

For example, my husband checks behind me on everything I do. This creates a lot of anger and sadness because in my mind, it’s because deep down he doesn’t think I’m capable of being a responsible adult. I know he’s just make sure, but it doesn’t change how it made me feel.

I am scared of being seen, being perceived. So I pick the position of just getting by, not getting ahead. I don’t like spotlight being on me.

I look forward to something, whatever, and then it’s like I dissociate the entire time, in said moment. And then just like that it’s gone. The thought was more exciting than the moment bc I spent the entire time thinking, worrying, wondering. I wasn’t even there. Physically I was present, mentally I was not.

I always feel anxious, and worried. I feel like I’m on the verge of being in trouble.

I go from life is just blah, to life is terrible. There’s no other feeling. I go into the depressive episodes for at minimum a week at a time, every few months. Before this time, it was 3 months ago. It all feels so heavy that I cry every day, I want to self harm so bad, just to feel the pain elsewhere. I feel like I could impulsively make a decision to end my life because of how hopeless I felt.

Medications are not an option for me. I will become blunt and more likely to do what I want to do deep down, which is unalive myself. It’s exhausting to fight this battle. No matter how hard I try, I cannot change the ways that’s been so deeply engrained in me.

I’m stuck in the never ending self Shame cycle that has repeated itself for the last 17 years.

I don’t like who hating myself makes me be. I’m quick to upset and slow to forgive. A change of tone, or lack of excitement can ruin my entire day. I become defensive and mean because it felt like a personal attack towards me. I lash out on my husband but get upset when he has bad days.

I neglect everything in my life because I feel so stuck, and unable to move forward. I am completely unmotivated. I feel like I’m on autopilot and I am forgetful because my mind is full of incessant chatter. Before I know it, days, weeks, months, years have passed. I don’t even remember what I’ve done each day because I’m just going thru the motions.

I self soothe just to feel something, just to not be myself. I smoke, I take edibles, I drink, I spend a lot of money, I take Xanax and forget an entire day. Anything to not focus on me.

I’m scared of change but the lack of change is ruining my hope for the future. I don’t know how to change who I am because it’s so deeply engrained in me.

I am afraid that I resent my mother, for not getting sober sooner. For everything she put us thru not being enough to get sober. Now she’s 8 years sober and I feel like I’m supposed to forgive and forget my childhood. But I’m constantly grieving a childhood, a mother, a father I never got. I don’t know how to forgive because everything I am, my entire perspective on life, altered, it’s a constant reminder of the love and attention I lacked for so long.

After everything tho, I’m so scared to hurt my mother. The world hasn’t always been kind to her and I don’t want to add to her suffering. But still to this day, she hasn’t taken accountability for her part in MY suffering. It’s like I’m protecting her while neglecting myself.

Im currently two weeks sober from weed and alcohol and a few extra weeks clean from Xanax. Im struggling in finding joy in sobriety. I know this is what I need to do, but it’s overwhelming. It’s bringing up a lot of emotions I’ve tried to numb and block out.

Send me love, please. I feel like I’m going crazy and losing my mind. I feel like no one in my life understands me.

I’m now 22M. For as long as I can remember my mother would put me and my sister in bad situations to make sure she was able to accommodate her drinking addiction. She would have random men over and both be black out drunk. She would leave the house all night and I’d stay up worried and she’s come home not even know where she was and pass out. She drinks every night and goes overboard no matter what. She has tainted every celebration and holiday I’ve ever had because she was too drunk to act normal. Things like this went on from the day I was born to when I was 16 and moved out to live with my father. Since then our relationship has been eh. We will talk occasionally throughout the week and I’ll see her maybe once or twice a month. I always make sure to never stay too late for obvious reasons. However this Halloween I was at work and my finance and my her little siblings went to my moms and of course my mother made them all uncomfortable. In the form of saying and doing inappropriate things that kids shouldn’t be around. My finance left her house early and called me. Now I want to completely cut her off to eliminate the chances of them having to go through something like that again.

(I’m aware some things are vague and rushed I tried to keep it as short as possible)

For example, my dad has been an alcoholic for as long as I remember and was always short tempered and abusive verbally. It got to the point where things became unforgivable and I lost trust in him. Now I’m older he’s still a heavy drinker and has even moved onto spirits, but acts like nothing ever happened.

He calls me every day to the point he’s incoherent on the phone and has nothing to say because he already said it the day before. And if I don’t pick up he calls again and again. Not sure if this is a trait of alcohol dementia?Then I hear from my mum he’s still being abusive but yet he’s calling me up and acting “normal”.

When I visit he gives me a bag of food to take home, which I appreciate but it’s really jarring because it doesn’t make up for him not being a good father. He’s always tried to influence others to think he’s a generous person and he does similar to other family and friends, but is miserable behind peoples back and moans about everything.

I just want to get on with life but he’s still a constant presence but adds nothing to my life.

Maybe this belongs in r/offmychest, but hoping I get more understanding from members here.

My Mom has stage 4 cirrhosis, hepatic encephalopathy, congestive heart failure, and about a month ago she was told her kidneys are failing.

She is still drinking. Her belly, legs, and ankles are swollen. She can barely walk or toilet alone. Early last week she had a 7-day hospital stay because she has cellulitis. They drained the fluids, pumped her full of antibiotics for the cellulitis, and then she got out this Tuesday and not 2 hours later my aunt saw her at the store buying booze.

A few days before that she spent 2 days in a smaller hospital. I feel like she keeps getting medical care and getting just better enough so that she can come home and start the bullshit all over again. She acts like a victim, will not take any accountability that her health problems are because of her drinking, and is very verbally abusive to anyone who says anything she takes as criticism.

She neglected me as a child and parentified me. I was her emotional dumping ground, always got in the middle of my parents drunken domestic violence to protect her, (even though looking back she instigated all of the fights so she could play "victim" after) and saw and heard many things that scarred me. I am an only child so it's left me feeling very isolated and alone.

She's a narcissist. She lives with my grandparents, who love her so much but enable her. Everyone tip toes around her for fear of her unleashing her verbal abuse on them. When she gets angry something flips in her and she will say the meanest things, and scream at the top of her lungs. If they say something about her drinking that upsets her, she goes around town and tells random people in the grocery store how her family abuses her. I live in a small town, so everybody knows my grandparents and they think the crazy stories my mom tells are true.

She has been a caregiver for the elderly for the last 15ish years and always latches on to the family she works for, like a narcissist gets a new "supply".

I'm tired of it. I've felt every emotion under the sun. Sadness, guilt, anger, pity, but since she was told her kidneys are failing it just goes back and forth between anger and complete numbness.

I've not been functioning well. Taking days off of work, neglecting household chores, neglecting my relationship with my husband. I don't have it in me to do this for months or another year. It's like the slowest, most painful death I've ever seen someone go through.

I'm sick of her going to the hospital and getting care. They know she's still drinking. But I'm sure they ethically have to treat her. I just wish she would stop going. I mentally cant do it anymore. I dont talk to her but every three weeks or so and its just a quick phone call. I do stay in touch with my family though, because in some weird way I do want to know what is going on with her.

It's not fair that there are people with cirrhosis who do the work and quit drinking, and still pass away not long after from complications. And then there are people like my Mom who are doing everything they can to make things worse and last 2+ years after diagnosis.

I just want her to hurry up and die. She's suffering. I know I'll go through the grieving process all over again, but I've been grieving for so long that I feel like what I'll feel most is relief. I so badly want her to just get it over with. My mental health can't do it anymore. And I don't want to watch her do this to herself anymore.

Thanks to anyone who read this far. Just have been feeling very isolated and needed a place to word vomit some emotions.

Long story but I’ll keep it as short as I can. My mom was drunk my entire childhood. Couple that with her having the emotional maturity of a 13 year old and … well I am damaged goods. My sister is a heroin addict and I went to rehab for alcohol in 2020 (almost 5 years sober!).

From fall out from things I explained above my niece moved here (2,000 miles) because her dad couldn’t take being a single parent anymore. She’s 15. My sister lost custody when she was 7. She is now living with my mom, which is so upsetting to me. Well as you can imagine there has been issues since she moved here between her and my mom. I am triangulated in the scenario bc of my relationships with both of them.

Niece got in trouble. Mom took her phone and read and listened to everything I ever sent her. Most of it about her and none of it good. Nothing I said was untrue. But it was not something I would want to read about myself. Especially if my self awareness was at a zero like hers is.

So why did I lose sleep over this?? These things are true. She is a very unhealthy person. I even held back most of the time bc that isn’t fair to my niece. It’s mostly me trying to explain how i understand things now (I have been in intensive therapy since rehab). I still feel so immensely guilty. I’m tired of feeling pain because of the person she is. Did I do something wrong and the guilt is warranted or is this another way my fractured view of the world is maladaptive to my daily life?

TL;DR my mom is a drunk, my teenaged niece lives with her, my mom went through her phone and found scathing messages from me to niece. Did I fuck up? Do I need to apologize for my feelings yet again? Something I’ve been doing for 40 years?? Little me is exhausted dude.

So, my wife and I just got our first apartment at the beginning of October. We were on a waiting list for a year, and its a NICE apartment. And its affordable, which is rare these days. But even an affordable apartment needs both my wife's and my income to be able to keep up with our rent and bills, not to mention groceries.

My wife fell hard about two weeks ago and busted her knee. She's been in alot of pain, and things were up in the air on if she would have to take off work for a few months. So...i messaged my estranged father. Last Christmas, despite having no relationship with me, he sent me $2K. I messaged him this week and asked if he could do that again for this Christmas so we had emergency funds for our rent for a few months in case my wife needs some time off to heal. Of course I was left on read.

Not sure what i expected, luckily my wife will still be able to work, but she is getting an MRI to get to the bottom of what the hell happened to her poor knee, X ray isn't giving us many clues other than a vague looking crack. But yeah...i feel like an idiot for messaging him and just needed to vent..

For context, he abandoned me when i was 5, left me with an abusive mother, and when i turned 26 he tried to be back in my life. It worked out for 2 years, we had a decent relationship, but then things went downhill, he began drinking a TON, and got horrible towards me. So i moved out, and since then its been no contact. He never reaches out to me, never got a congratulations on our apartment or my new job either. He's a piece of work.

Hi, about 2 months ago I posted my story of what was like growing up with my alcoholic dad and his various behaviours. I got some great comments and support here of which I'm very appreciative.

Just thought I'd update about my dad. On Friday evening (18th October) my dad fell very ill and had to be taken by ambulance from his supported living accommodation to hospital. C (Stepmum) rang my mum to let her know what had happened on Saturday 19th.

SATURDAY 19TH:

When my mum told me it was about my dad, my first question was "Has he died?" That is the first thing you think when you get a call from someone else about your family member. I was told that he was very poorly, in the ICU and on life support. My heart sank.

I got in contact with C who had stayed in contact with dad all this time, helped him and they were quite amicable. She very kindly offered that I could stay with her but encouraged me to make plans to come down as quick as I could.

I booked the ticket for the very next day, Sunday 20th and ran around 90mph trying to get things packed. Also, just trying to get my head straight. I did calm the hospital but they really couldn't tell me anything over the phone.

After that, I spent the day on tenterhooks continuously looking for any form of update. At 11pm that night I got a call from the hospital saying that he was still alive but deteriorating, although not any faster than he was already. They also explained that he was on the maximum amount of help they could give him.

SUNDAY 20TH:

I got on the coach the very next morning and throughout the over 3 hour journey felt that the driver wasn't going fast enough. I then took the tube and met C at the station. C asked if I needed anything to eat, I said no and we just took a taxi straight to the hospital.

I got to the hospital at about 15:20 and went straight to the ICU. The doctors offered to talk to me or let me spend time with dad first. I chose spending time with dad and they said they'd talk to me when they made the rounds again. I let dad know I was there and then just sat with him until about 16:20 when the doctors approached.

They told me what I already knew, which was that the machines were what was keeping him alive and that just keeping him on life support was prolonging the inevitable. We agreed with that and made the decision to turn off the life support.

I told dad to go when he was ready and that his son (who he lost 13 years previously as a baby) would be waiting.

Dad died at around 17:09. He died of multiple organ failure, pneumonia and septic shock.

I got to be there before he died which I'm thankful for.

THURSDAY 31ST:

Have spent the past 11 days just ridiculously busy. From losing dad - letting people know - making phone calls - clearing dad's flat - starting to plan the funeral - registering the death - closing down various things - planning the wake.

It's been a whirlwind and yet I feel extremely calm. That's possibly due to having so much to do that the reality hasn't set in yet. It will eventually I'm sure.

Also though, there is relief that he's not suffering, ill or in pain anymore.

So there we go. The ending of one story and the start of a new one perhaps.

As a kid, I was dirt poor and lived in an unsafe neighborhood. We never got to go trick or treating and we never got to wear costumes. It always sucked.

As an adult, my office makes a big damn deal about Halloween, and I just don't care about it. My mentality is stuck in that it's a total waste of money for an extravagant costume and makeup/accessories that is only going to be worn once, and is probably going to be uncomfortable to wear all day during work.

I hate it. And I fear I'm being judged as "not a team player".

My mom was sober for 20+ years and relapsed around 2017. It has gone from secret wine drinking to full blown falling down drunk. She has bipolar, is a bad hoarder (trash style not collections). She was completely neglectful and at times abusive when I was a child. My dad (they were divorced for many years) died of an OD (Rx opiates) in March 2023; he malingered on disability for decades and had been in addiction to pain killers. In June, my mom was fired from her job of 16 years, we think she was drunk at work. I have encouraged her to go to meetings and or treatment in a compassionate way and of course she has refused. She has refused to apply for social security benefits, completely neglected her health, and abandoned any responsibility. She ended up having a heart attack and is now rehabilitating with PT. She listed me as her contact to coordinate care and has been aggressive on the phone with me.

I don’t want to do this. I don’t have the time or resources to manage the affairs that she has ignored for years and clean up her mess. I can’t handle it right now I’m dealing with marriage and family stress plus another codependent family member I allowed take advantage of me and now am trying to detangle myself from.

Is it cruel of me to step back now while she is in a medical “crisis” after she has refused my offer to pay for a hoarding service and biting my head off about bringing it up and is refusing any substance abuse intervention? I know I will just get emotionally and financially taken advantage of… and in the end she still won’t change her habits or behaviors…

Other relevant details: I have been the “mom” in our dynamic since I was about 12 ish. She has 3 kids and 1 is completely no contact because of her abuse. She is one of 13 siblings and does not speak to any of them. She is 70 and I am 30 and just finished closing out my degenerate dad’s estate who left his life insurance policy to his brother rather than his kids.

I have a shit ton going on in my own life… obstacles in my marriage that we are working through in weekly therapy; my dog tore his ACL ($4k) this week; I’m taking a huge exam for my career in two weeks; and I’m struggling with politics at my job (school where there is a big divide between admin and gen pop)

I have taken huge steps back from her in the last 5 years but now I have absolutely no desire or will to “help” her while she self destructs. But I know she doesn’t have anyone else…

How have you dealt with the extended family system?

I've always related to the concept of alcoholism being a family disease, bc even if my cousins or aunts or uncles aren't drinkers (some of them in Al Anon) there is still this vibe of avoidance and denial and generally just not talking about things that admittedly I think we should be talking about. Some of these issues having nothing to do with alcohol and I will own that it's my opinion we should talk about issues or tension directly rather than stay far apart, separate, or sweeping stuff under the rug.

I guess where I need help is knowing what's in a healthy family system. It's challenging when so many people point to me as "the problem" I start to second guess myself. But I know in other relationships in my life we do talk about things when they come up, and we also have boundaries too so it's not an in your face free for all either.

The tension from conflict that is left unaddressed in my extended family is so distasteful to me that I want to leave the family system altogether, even if not everyone is an alcoholic. But when I look at a lot of other people they just put up with dysfunction in their family and live with it, so in a way I agree that I am different and "the problem" at some level.

Has anyone dealt with this and if so, how do you navigate? What am I not seeing or understanding about family systems that might bring a new perspective to how they function / or don't?

My dad is a lifelong alcoholic, and prior to 2020 he was borderline "functional" but since lockdown kicked in he's descended further - he's lost his mobility, suffers from incontinence, has been hospitalised multiple times, and last year was diagnosed with Korsakoffs. We've always been close but the last 4yrs have been tough - I live 400miles away but I'm the only member of the family who hasn't completely cut off contact. I've been responsible for most of the admin e.g. getting home care in place, managing bills etc. My dad and I speak about once a week if he's sober, less if he's not.

My husband and I conceived earlier this year through IVF and I haven't managed to tell my dad yet. He knew we were having treatment but between the cognitive issues and his personality (very self absorbed) I don't know if he remembers. I want to tell him, but I'm worried about how to manage the situation the next time I visit. His flat is dirty and he chain smokes, and I don't want to be in that environment just now. Similarly when the baby comes - I don't really ever want him to hold the baby, even though that thought breaks my heart.

Does anyone have any advice/insight on navigating this, and not being totally hurtful to him but keeping myself/my baby safe and healthy?

My parents put me into catwalk fashion. But they refused to help me invest in cosmetics and self-care products. And they expect me to be at my best while they don’t even sign me up for a physical activity membership such as gym which are crucial not just for looks, but to keep me healthy too. They always wine about me never be physically active, than blame me for everything when I literally just beg them for all of the crucial needs that they refuse.

I tried open up more about these issue to them, but they are very irrational alwyas turn it down see it as an attack and ended getting me gaslighted and assaulted verbally ( potentially physically if provoked )

This is my parents they love to make mountains out of a molehill.

Anyway, I’m not looking for any advice for this particular case I only wanted to share and address this issue because I trust Reddit.

Well, I'm pretty new to ACA - I haven't even made it to page 150 in the BRB. I've been to 3 virtual meetings, and haven't been able to find any local IRL meetings. I'm still pretty much a mess right now.

My bottom that got me into ACA, after finding a partial Laundry List that I immediately identified with, was breaking up with my boyfriend of 2 years. It was brutal, and I froze, almost literally. I'm unemployed and really scared about my future, so very unsure of myself, and just so damn sad. Not depression sad, just sad with a long list of things I've never had and am sure I will never find. The more I find out while reading the BRB, the more it defines my pain.

So I've been trying to avoid interacting with my ex because it hurts every time I talk to him, and I'm so all over the place emotionally, and as he's also an ACA (in denial that it had any affect on him). I set a boundary. No interaction unless it's about business. His name is still on the title to the house and the mortgage, and I still have his dog.

So tonight, he texts me about the roof. Yeah, hail damage, and it's getting replaced by the insurance company. He starts asking lots of questions, and I tell him that if he wants to know, he needs to call because it's too much detail to text. So he calls. At first, I was really good about keeping it to business. The roof and the dog. But then, I don't even know what happened, I'm telling him about how I'm struggling, not sleeping, etc. Yeah, I ended up spilling a bunch of stuff WAY past my boundary, and crying on the damn phone to him, talking to him like he's my best friend (which he is NOT).

I can set boundaries all day long, but I'm struggling with keeping them! How do I stop just acting as if they don't exist and being thoughtless about crossing them when I do so?

I planned a trip close to my home city for a big festival. I was within an hour of my mom (qualifier) and didn't tell her. I live in another state and I don't see her often. I've made strides to make our relationship "low contact," which has brought a lot more peace.

I didn't tell her I'd be close and I've felt a lot of guilt about that. Here's where I landed with that... I can either feel the guilt and understand that it'll pass, or I can abandon my needs and desires and see her, likely putting myself in more emotional harm that will be longer lasting. I decided to let her potentially find out through Facebook or whatever that I'm in town and face that confrontation later. (Though she's very nonconfrontational and I doubt she'd say anything to me.)

To the outsider, I look callous and mean to not tell my own mother I'm in town. But I think you all understand why and I hope I can celebrate choosing my own needs above hers, when I've spent my whole life focusing on her needs.

My dad has been an alcoholic most of my life. It got really bad when my mom died when I was 11. At the moment, I'm 22 and trying to figure out life completely on my own and finding it incredibly difficult. I don't have a lot of contact with my dad, or any of my family members except for my sister.

I've been struggling with how to not feel so much resentment towards my dad and how significantly his drinking has impacted my life. I struggle with really bad anxiety which I believe stems from having to live with my dad drinking himself to the point of blackout every single night of my life. I spent every day of my life worrying about whether my dad would die on that particular day. It was, and still is, mental anguish. My anxiety significantly impacts my friendships and relationships with other people, the way I interact with others and the world, how I view myself and others etc and I really wish it didn't.

I guess my question is just how do other people get past the feeling of knowing your parent doesn't love or care about you. How do you stop the feelings of resentment? How does a young person like myself go about navigating adult life completely alone?

I came across this and was moved so I wanted to share. (cross posted )

There is no shortage of drama in life and it is helpful to get out of that cycle when I see my role in it clearly.

The victim: the person who feels powerless, helpless, oppressed, or harmed by someone or something

The rescuer: the person who tries to help, save, or fix the victim, often without being asked or at the expense of their own needs

The persecutor: the person who blames, criticizes, attacks, or oppresses the victim, often using anger, threats, or violence

https://preview.redd.it/hmabvosvkpxd1.png?width=940&format=png&auto=webp&s=c30be1c32937126b83bbea8aa4b8a80630d33189

I have only recently discovered the ACA information and finding it has been the source of a lot of my problems. Specifically people pleasing rotating to anger and resentment. I am currently separated from my partner as the behaviors have strained our marriage. We still talk and she says there is potential for reconciliation depending on if the work we are both doing on ourselves makes us more compatible. The problem is one day she acts interested, the next completely shut down to the idea. The I love you go away of it all is triggering me bad and I don't know what to do. I would like to save my marriage, but I am worried this dance will get in the way of recovery.

The other day we were spending time with our daughter and seemed to be having a good time and then I said one wrong thing and I was threatening her. Her feelings are valid but I felt like the reaction based on the day were having was a hard shift it broke me. I went full blown shame spiral.

My 81 year old alcoholic father is dying.

I don't know how to handle it. In my country its acceptable to stay with your parents, so I did. I worked until this year but for various reasons I had to stop working (abusive boss, trying to shove liability on me for his shortcomings) for a bit and I have been job hunting for a few months now. My father stopped drinking fully a few years ago, he started getting worse like 2-ish years ago. Today is the first time he had fallen walking, out of old age instead of intoxication like he used to years ago. I had to help him get up, I don't mind that.

I just still feel pitty for him, despite what he did to me and my mom over the past 30 years. I hate that we have to take care of him, I hate that my mom, who got heart attack because of him never got this kind of help while recovring but WE have to take care of him?

I think the worst part comes down to my step sisters. They are much, much older than me, they are from his first marriage and they were in worse hell than I did, I am willing to admit as much because both of their parents were shit. But damn now they act like concerned loving daughters? Now they try to tell us what tro do while doing miunimal help? Now they try to dismiss the fact that they were separated for him for half of their lives now, over 30 years! ITS NOT FUCKING THE SAME FOR ME OR MY MOTHER. JUST BECAUSE HE MELLOWED OUT PAST FIVE YEARS. WE BOTH HAD TO ENDURE HIM FOR ~30 YEARS.

The anger, the anxiety keeps me up at night, I don't think I have slept for the past week at all. I feel like I am being toprn from the inside, not because he will be soon gone but because of the timing, because I don't have the financial stability (besides modrate savings) or prospects to help out my mom properly once he is gone. I will feel more like a burden than ever before. Despite applying for jobs almost every day (where we live the job market is shit). Honestly, I was on the brink of just feeling like ending it all.

Because of him I am just a broken product, unlovable, unable to be happy, but I guess thats his last laugh making me miserable with the taming of what is happening.

Sorry this came out more incoherent than I though but I just felt like I needed to write that out.

It makes me feel better to talk about the mess of a family I was born into.

I get sucked in then I realize when I wake up how much time I wasted thinking about them and focusing my existence on them. I’m only attracted to the people who don’t want to be with me and everything they do makes me feel more shitty about myself every moment. I can’t take it anymore, the extreme mood swings and making them the focus of my life. It feels so hopeless and I’ve lost all my friends and been friendless for years god I’m so lonely and I feel like a kid who doesn’t know anything and I feel like I was just dropped into the world. I hide away from everything and everyone too and I’m too scared to go to group because I’m so young.

Apparently my aunt was able to get her to doctor. My moms been very wishy washy with the topic of her health. Her body isn’t making enough blood anymore is what I was told. She’s 52 I believe. But this last time I saw her I couldn’t believe it. She does t just look 90 all of a sudden she looks 140.

Since I have been in therapy it’s helped me process the anger and resentment. Now I look at her and see the trauma she was unable to over come and coped with in an unhealthy way.

Her legs were very swollen and I got details that she had a blood transfusion. After the blood transfusion they said she turned yellow.

She is on antibiotics for multiple infections. She is living alone now as my dad was forced out of their camper.

I went up and did a few things to help, but I don’t feel it is enough. When I told her to let me know if she needs anything she said okay. But haven’t heard anything. I’m afraid she’s unable to cook for herself and as of right now she’s still barely driving. She’s not getting out far and her legs and feet are in bad shape. What can I do?

I’m an hour drive from her. When I do go over she only wakes up around 5pm-6pm and we never stay too long. She seems fragile.

I’m not sure how to help, but I have a strong feeling she won’t be here much longer and it’s heart breaking. I’ve watched her drink heavily for a long time now. I always tried to say something but nothing seemed to be able to stop her.

Has anyone ever struggled with feeling repulsed by their parent. I havent seen her in months because after multiple life saving surgeries caused by her alcoholism and paid for by Medicaid (basically her 3rd or 4th chance at life/recovery at this point), she’s drinking heavily again and I’m trying to have better boundaries and not have to “save her” for the millionth time. But over the past few years she’s gotten really gross— I’ve already dealt with TWO disaster “filth hoarding” clean outs of various rentals of hers (literally had to hire a biohazard crew costing thousands of dollars), so there’s trauma there, but just now when I picked her up to help her run an errand, she smells absolutely horrible that I have to roll down the windows. A part of me has really missed my mom (my whole life) these past few months and I thought maybe I could be cheerful and nice and maybe even get a hug. But right now I’m just waiting for this errand to be over because she smells so bad. She seems drunk too. I feel like a terrible daughter and person feeling absolutely repulsed by her. I wish I could be a bigger and better person and not feel so grossed out.

I'm an ACoD.

one of my supervisors asked me via email if I could do something outside of my usual hours and duties, and I declined due to a pre-existing conflict, which I explained.

I then mentioned that I was out last week due to a death in the family, and that I was not able to answer her on Wednesday when she first made the request because I was preoccupied with everything that entails. (I have a few supervisors, and another was informed and approved the time off. this one just knew I was 'out' til today).

she just replied, "ok, ____ will do it" about the task. entire email. no "I'm sorry to hear about your loss" or anything.

I'm hurt and I'm angry. I think this is so fucking rude. it's been stuck for hours with no diminution in intensity.

I'm not going to act out of my emotions, but I'm very uncomfortable. so, I'm seeking some perspective - how would a more healed person feel about this or respond to this (internally more, but externally if you have thoughts on that as well)? or what might you tell a sponsee who experienced this?