Hello, I wasn't sure how to start this, so I guess I'll start by saying that I don't really understand addiction too much, so I apologize if anything I say lacks empathy or comes off as ignorant.

So, my husband's best friend (F) is an addict. F's been in & out of rehab & recently he checked himself out of rehab, so we offered for him to stay at our house while F gets back on his feet... My husband (R), especially, has been trying really hard to be supportive of F, throughout all of the things affecting him that I'll touch on. R stays in contact with F's parents (they consider R pretty much an adopted son). R also has an addictive personality, but R has been very good about staying clean (unrelated, at one point we were having marital problems & I told R that I couldn't be with him if we were going to try to have a family & he continued down this path.) Anyway, I feel that F has been taking advantage & has not been taking steps to get or stay clean. Again, I will admit, I don't really understand addiction & I understand everyone handles trauma, differently. I'm just having a hard time sympathizing for or empathizing with F.

F has many things affecting him, currently. I know that:

1. F's father has stage 4 cancer

2. F & his wife are having marital problems, which was part of the reason he was in rehab, F claims, was to get better, for her (F's wife has said that she doesn't want F at the house until he's sober. F took this as, she wants a divorce, & F told us that, & that was why he checked himself out of rehab & then got on a dating app, which I told him I thought was a bad idea because he should be focusing on himself before attempting to try to start a relationship with anyone else. We ended up learning the truth from F's mother that F's wife wants him sober if he's going to go back home. Separation & divorce would be steps she would take if F wasn't able to stay sober.); &

3. F also has psychological & other medical issues that he takes medication for. I'm not sure the extent of his psychological problems, if it impacts his cognitive understanding, but again, he has medication for those that he's supposed to be taking (my husband had to consistently remind him to take his medications). I guess, also,

4. F has been in the medical field at some point in his life (EMT), which he may have developed trauma from, although F currently does not have a job. So, that may also have an impact. I believe he was fired from his other job after showing up, using.

In my opinion, if I were in F's position, I would avoid any situations that could contribute to relapsing & addictive habits, except F has instead chosen to take this time staying with us to continue with his negative habits. We had been trying to include him in our routines, so that he could find other ways to cope, including taking walks, playing games together, watching shows & movies together, etc. I'm not saying these are going to cure him, but we were trying in our own way to help a friend. Well, we found that F was using while he was staying at our house, at one point having to go to the hospital because of his habits having an adverse effect with his medication, leaving a mess at our house for us to clean up. I feel angry, upset & disrespected, as F was lying to us, saying that he wasn't using. I ended up yelling at F while my husband was at work & telling him that I felt that he was taking advantage of us, we stayed up late to clean up his mess, & we're both still working, to which he said, he was trying his best. I don't agree & told him I didn't see that & to try harder & to get rid of anything he was hiding in my house. F decided to take that as I didn't want him staying with us, so F decided to check himself into a hotel, instead of going back to rehab, which I don't understand... I feel F's going to continue down a destructive path & I need to prioritize my family. My husband also told me he felt that F was burning a bridge because F was lying to R about using & R was worried about F staying at the house while he was at work & I was home because his personality changes when he uses.

So, we no longer feel that we can support F, if he doesn't care to help himself. I feel very bad for my husband because he feels that he's losing his best friend. I also feel very bad for F's family. F's mother is already dealing with so much, with her husband, & to have her son going down this path, as well...? I don't know... I just don't feel that F cares very much about anyone, not even himself, & is consistently making poor decisions then coming up with excuses & victimizing himself instead of trying to take control of his life back. I've never been addicted to anything, so I'm not sure how it feels, but I would think that you should first want to make the change for yourself. Idk..

Thanks for taking the time to read. Sorry if it comes off as a rambling & if anything I say comes off harsh. I don't mind being educated on addiction or receiving any advice, but I really needed to vent.

TL;DR: Husband's friend is an addict who we tried to help but no longer feel we can support, since it doesn't seem like he wants to help himself.

I'm so annoyed at myself. I had been a heroin user for 3 years and taking anything and everything pill wise in-between buying bags. I've been on medication to keep me from using and it's worked great (Buvidal injection once a month, so much better than methadone) and have been clean for almost 2 years now, apart from smoking a joint here and there. Last night I threw all my hard work out the window though, just because me and my partner got into a huge argument to the point he slept somewhere else for that night. We have small arguments here and there but we usually resolve it within 5 minutes.

After he left I searched my house top to bottom and found an old stash of diazapam I had hidden while wasted ages ago. Opened the bag and swallowed the lot with some juice, it would've been about 50mg worth of pills, I chilled out and ended up falling asleep on the couch. Now it's the next day and everything's calmed down I feel so guilty for breaking my sobriety, ive dealt with more stressful situations in general and have fought against the urge to phone a dealer to buy benzos or gear. This post is a bit of a ramble sorry if it doesn't make sense, I'm too embarrassed to tell my partner or anyone else just yet and needed to get it off my chest. Starting from day 0 again. Very annoyed at myself.

I posted some threads in this forum about how I was feeling this past week. I’m six months clean from heroin & any other downer you could think of. I was feeling bad about myself since I’m currently unemployed and I’m in my mid twenties. I wanted to use so bad so I could numb how I was feeling. I didn’t want to talk to anyone at all. After having some days pass I totally got over the cravings! It’s persistency and willpower ! Although I was craving drugs I knew within myself not to give in because I’ve worked so hard to stay clean for this long. And we all know that feeling of being sober for an x amount of days, weeks, years, whatever it may be, and when you do insert that drug in yourself most of the time we feel like crap because we just broke our own moral. Being sober feels ten times better than being high 24:7. You actually feel like a human and not a puppet. No matter how hard your cravings are just know you can get over the hurdle if you keep telling yourself not to give in & how much it’ll hurt your loved ones. I feel bad bc I saw some posts about others going through my situation and I wish I would have been awake to message them to cry n calm them down but I think I’m too late. I hope n pray that you may stay strong and not give in to temptation. You’re better than that. Have a good day everyone stay positive x

Apologies in advance for this long ass post.

I (25f) have a really serious smoking problem. I’ve been smoking weed almost every single day for about 4-5 years now, and had smoked regularly for years prior to that, just not daily. I can say it’s become a massive problem and is holding me back in many ways, negatively impacted my relationships, caused financial and health problems, and caused me to make really really reckless decisions. I just feel like its gotten to the point where need support to hold me accountable and help. The only thing holding me back from reaching out is fear that I may not even have a problem…is that normal? It’s like I have addiction imposter syndrome.

To summarize my relationship w/ weed is very bad, I used it to self medicate for years (not medically prescribed) for my anxiety, bipolar, depression, etc. and while I’ve been doing the work to get properly medicated and treated for those things, I’m still smoking with no sign of stopping even though I desperately want to. Every single time I tell myself I am going to stop I am unable, the longest I went in the past two years was two separate weeks where my ex-gf and I were on vacation together. I may not smoke as much as some do but I probably spend somewhere around $3,500+ a year on weed if I had to roughly guess, and it’s only been getting more consistent. It has, as you can imagine, really been a huge financial burden and I have even sold my valuables to buy weed, spent money out of savings, asked others for money, etc. I’m also not making that much money in the first place so I’m allocating lots of money out of my budget for weed and would probably spend more if I made more. This is all really embarrassing to admit to be honest but I think admittance is the first step?

I smoke before work, I look forward all day to smoking after work, and then again, and a few more times before bed. I smoke before going out into the world, before engaging in my hobbies, before social gatherings, etc. I have avoided or delayed plans with family/friends/my ex in order to smoke. And yes, I can’t eat without smoking. It’s like I can’t exist without the thought of being able to get high/being high. I can’t even tell if I am high or not most of the time anymore, except for when I know I haven’t smoked in which case that’s all I can think about sometimes. It’s legalized where I live and even before it was I fell into the trap of surrounding myself who also had a problem, though many of them not as bad as mine, especially when it came to how it impacted their physical health VS how badly it impacts mine. The normalization of just smoking all day every day became a quick reality. A lot of the times I just smoke to have something to do, or I’ll stay up excessively late just to smoke one more time before bed, and then another once my lungs have defrosted.

I have spent an excessive amount of money on weed which in turn put a huge strain on my previous, and only, LTR with that same ex. Our recent breakup has seen me smoke and buy even more weed even though she was no longer around to smoke with. She saw me develop a problem over the course of our relationship and ultimately it played a huge role in my downfall. I can’t seriously consider ever dating again with how badly it impacted things. She smoked too, so even when I did talk about quitting she would still be in favor every time I’d inevitably fold and want to buy again. I’d become possessive of it when we would start to run out and wouldn’t be able to pick up for another couple of days. Honestly I act like a complete goblin when I don’t have access to it. She called me a drug addict once in our relationship during an argument. I missed out on so much time because of how much I smoked.

It has negatively impacted my health a lot, I have really bad GI problems and constantly cough up tarry, black mucus at least 10 times a day. I’m having excessively drenching night sweats almost every single night. It’s as if you dunked me in a pool. My sheets, pillows, comforters get soaked and I need to immediately shower/change the sheets. I don’t sleep well at all and wake up multiple times because of this. I also constantly get cramps in one specific area doing any physical activity(like I will literally be just walking around walmart and I will cramp up) and feel fluid building up in my abdomen which cause me a ton of discomfort. I get chest pains, shortness of breath, weird feelings where my heart is and did I mention hacking up enough weed resin to form a Grimer each day?

The most recent attempt at quitting I barely made it a day because of how bad my withdrawals were, vomiting on an empty stomach, breaking out in cold sweats, nausea, anxiety, etc. I’ve gotten a bunch of bloodwork done and had a endoscopy/colonoscopy where they found pre-cancerous polyps in my colon and esophagus, who knows if the smoking has anything to do with that but it’s worth noting. I’m also getting a chest x-ray done soon.

I’ve missed out on memories, lost time, probably shaved years off my life span if we are being honest, and I constantly enter rooms and go “wtf am I looking for?”/am super forgetful. My dad was an alcoholic for most of his life and I know I am disappointing the fuck out of him.

This has been an insanely long post of me just explaining how bad it is yet I still can’t justify my needing help by saying “others need it more” or “its just weed”, “everyone smokes” blah blah blah. I feel like I am watching my life go by and just doing nothing about it. I’ve looked into some groups in my area, I need help or at least someone to tell me I have a serious problem.

Thank you to anyone who by chance stuck it out to read this God bless you all.

I've been taking a host of supplements (stay with me here) that I believe have been extremely helpful in overcoming those intermittent bad decisions or voice in the back of my head that sends me back to using drugs.

A little backstory: I've been very resistant to the idea that I have had a problem because I'm successful in my career, I perform well at work and I've maintained a fairly healthy relationship (with them having little to no idea). I've had some form of ongoing/semi-escalating drug use for nearly five years, and earlier this year I had unrelated life stressors that sent me into a spiral. I've used a lot of stuff, but stimulants are my go-to, with the recent problematic stuff being at times very high doses of cocaine/Benzedrex/amphetamines (not meth, but obtained from the dark web, so good chance at least some of it did have contaminants). I got to the point where I was staying up for days, using at work and attempting to escalate route of administration.

I was alternating between anxiety and guilt over my actions and careless return to prior behaviors. I felt like my mind was being hijacked and I would completely lose mental clarity for long enough to return to my shitty ways. So, recalling that there may be certain supplements that are possibly helpful in battling cravings, I did some googling and chose several supplements that I hoped would just take the edge off what I felt would be an ongoing fight. Agmatine, N-acetylcysteine, lion's mane, L-tyrosine, fish oil, and a daily multivitamin with additional magnesium.

I can't say which out of the above supplements were helpful (plenty of anecdotal evidence online but studies are pretty mixed for most/all of them), but I gradually felt the desire to use ease up, and around two weeks in something turned a corner. I have zero desire to use anything, and this has been sustained for weeks now. Even at my best points in the past, I think I was plotting some small future use. My mind is completely back on my side, and the post-use guilty clarity feels permanent. Maybe it's placebo, or I was going to somehow break the spell at this point in my life no matter what, but I wanted to make this post in the small chance this reaches somebody and happens to be helpful for them too. I know I'll have to be vigilant towards my mind telling me again that it would be okay, but it's just really incredible how easy this has been so far. Hope this helps, and best of luck.

Please read the rest of my post before saying "no one can MAKE you relapse"

I had 8 years sober off heroin and coke. In the months before my relapse I suffered a series of extreme loss. But I was staying strong. The thing that led to my relapse was suicidal ideation. I felt suicidal because my best friend, my mom, got engaged to an abuser. He brainwashed her about me and she rejected me and our entire dynamic that I was used to my whole life as a mother and daughter changed, she was a cold fish. She withheld all emotional support during the losses I endured. I couldn't take it anymore and relapsed. My relapse led to me contracting sepsis for 2 months in hospital, which led to open heart AND lung surgery.

I'm now 1.5 years sober, 9 months post op, and doing incredible. But I have to deal with long term health problems and possibly endure multiple open heart surgeries in my lifetime.

I'm soo angry at my abuser. If it wasn't for him, I could possibly have 11 years(you never know tho). I would not have permanently damaged my body and vital organs.

HOW on earth do I forgive and move on from this? How do I let go of the 'what ifs'? How do I get out of this traumatic ruminating that spins over and over like a fucking wheel?

I hate him.

I have been making a genuine effort to be better recently - not do drugs or get blackout drunk - but after 5 days of doing everything I was supposed to it felt like it had been weeks. I had felt so proud of myself even though it’s barely anything, but ended up scraping left over ketamine out of the bottom of handbag last night (somehow got a decent line, it was too late to message my dealer), even licked it. I don’t feel like I’m in control of myself. I thought I was dramatic and I still do a bit, that I just want to keep doing and it’s not that I ‘can’t’ stop. I just don’t have the willpower. I exercised, saw friends, made good food, and still felt uptight constantly. I’m starting to think there’s no point and I haven’t got out of bed today, idk whether to buy more tonight and just give in. I just can’t be bothered with anything anymore. It’s so pathetic but I’ll never be genuinely happy and it’s the closest I can get.

I've been on crystal meth since 2020 and it's about damn time I quit. I stopped smoking and using drugs 8 days ago. In this time I landed a dream job that I intend on keeping and being stable with since I haven't worked in almost 2 years worth of time. I was too busy getting high and there was no way I could hold a job. At one point I worked and was fired from 9 jobs so I stopped applying after that.

I'm so proud of my sobriety now and my determination to work and to make my quality of life better. I hope this helps someone out there today.

My husband has been abusing xanax for years. He uses his 30 day supply by binging for 10 days straight and then cold turkeys the rest of the month.

His biggest blackout incidents include spoiling our food. He'll leave refrigerated foods out on the counter overnight, crackers and snacks left all over the floor. I'll find grape jelly smeared all over the counter. Today my medication was thrown on the floor and I found his phone in a pool of melted ice cream.

He also leaves front door unlocked, and he's always paranoid about making sure it's locked.

He will sexually harass me for 10 days straight via text messages to the point I have to temporarily block him.

He always denies everything is so severe and has an excuse for everything. When I take his xanax from him he becomes verbally aggressive.

At this point I'm too exhausted to be stressed over this anymore and don't know what to do. He has a psychologist and a pyschiatrist, both of which he conveniently never mentions his xanax abuse to bc he doesn't think it's an issue since it's only 10 or so days out of the month.

He does suffer from serve social anxiety, so he does need them occasionally.. he keeps maybe 7 pills aside for emergencys, so I don't necessarily want him off of them completely but I'm at my wits end.

His family has tried talking to him too to no avail

Anyone have similar experiences either as a user or as a family member?

Warning : death & abuse .

I [23m] had a really hard childhood and it made me a beast who hurt others .

By the age of 15 : I had no friends at all , I was molested , I was accused of molesting a younger kid even when I didn't even know what that meant , I was always hit and shouted at by my parents , gaslighted about everything , being called ugly by my dad , found my grandma's dead body and tried to save her , was in a bus that was accused of killing a child (i was 5) . Also , I'm most likely to have ADHD , ASD and was always an extremely sensitive person .. you can imagine how hard this was .

Through these years the only way of soothing myself was through masturbation . I used to do it very frequently to calm myself even before I could get an erection . And when I found porn , it got much much worse .

I've been just using too much caffeine , porn and masturbation to numb my feelings and dissociate all the time .

By the age of 19 , I liked this girl and boom I exploded . It was like a wake-up call from all this stuff but it also was like an explosion . The relationship itself had a lot of push/pull dynamic and I broke : self-harm , suicidal attempts , abuse of medications , etc. . I was a mess , and then someone who I knew and was close to by the time taught me something bad .

He showed me how to go online and talk to random girls and get to know them before asking them for ""pics"" . I wasn't good at it at first . But it clicked really strong and I learned how to be much better at it . I probably did this with more than 200 girls or something and probably tried with more than 2000 or something . For some reason , there was a unique thrill of making them take their clothes for me . And it seems like I cared about this .. sometimes more than the pics themselves . I have been addicted to that since then . And I wasn't even conscious about what I'm doing most of the time . It's like I literally wasn't there . Like there's a dark soul riding me and doing this .

Now , the painful parts are these : 1-I kept doing it even I was in a relationship (all 3 relationships) and I suspect it was one of the main reason things got bad indirectly . 2- It numbed me so much and it make me feel okay when I shouldn't have felt okay . I am sure I could be a lot more than this piece of shit I am . 3- I am sure it made me more evil : Idk how to make explain this but i know for sure it let bad stuff get into me .. transforming me from someone actually kind to a selfish self-centered piece of shit . And that's what could've been hurt the relationships . 4- I hurt some of these people : By making them feel I care about them probably .

There are much uglier details to this but I can't even say it .

I have been in denial of what I did . I never confronted myself that what I did was considered cheating and abusing other people .

Now the terrible thing is : now I'm in a relationship (which isn't a bad one and the girl isn't an avoidant personality and actually likes me for the first time) and I still did it couple times at first . I stopped . For the first time in my life but I am feeling so guilty about this (I didn't feel that guilty when I was in the other relationships : they didn't even like me that much , we didn't havr sex or anything)

Now I realize and can talk about it for the first time but I don't how to live with it and how to live without coming clean to my girlfriend (it will definitely destroy the relationship if I did )

Hello all, I wanted to see if some of you can relate to this.

Since I’ve gotten sober in the past six months, I can’t help I’ve regressed mentally since my addiction cycle started in 2022. I got busy with work starting in the middle of 2022 and I started drinking a lot to the stress. From there, I got into cocaine and that took a hold of me for a majority of 2023. I started getting clean in September. Recently, I’ve noticed that all of the self improvement that I did prior to my addiction has sort of gone out the window. I feel like a shell of my former self. Before I got into addiction, I had a very good dating life, a better social life, and an overall positive energy. For my spiritual people out there, I was very in touch with “source” my highest self.

Ever since I’ve gotten sober I realize I’m not that person anymore. It’s a bit depressing when I think about it. I used to be really well spoken, and now I feel as though has fried my brain in a way where I’m not as articulate and as well spoken as I used to be. I feel like I’ve regressed mentally and overall to be honest. I’ve hit some awesome goals and I’m on the track of getting my life back together, but I didn’t know it was going to be so stressful and so hard.

I hate reminiscing on the past, but I really miss who I used to be. I miss the confident go-getter guy that would ask for any woman’s number. I miss the friends I had before messing up those friendships. I miss what my life used to be before I got into addiction, I had my life together. I feel as though all the progress and all the hard work I put in to coming that confidence go-getter is almost all gone. I wish I could just start over. I wish I never got into cocaine.

Can anyone relate to this? I’ve been having thoughts of “ what happened to me? Will I ever become a shred of what I used to be?” The thought of doing all that work again is so daunting and almost puts me into a mindset of despair.

and it’s still hard. some days it’s better than others but i don’t have anyone around me who has quit and have no one to discuss it with.

i had smoked for around 6 years before i quit and it took me 2 tries before my last attempt (cold turkey). everyone around me smoked at the time when i was quitting (and i also graduated college with a degree in journalism at that time, i’m specifying because literally EVERYONE smokes in this field, my professors and peers, everyone, everywhere, all the time).

my reason for quitting was the fact that i couldn’t get anything done, my addiction had taken over my daily life, i was barely managing to do minimal tasks. i had to smoke before and after everything i did and it got to the point where the time in between cigarettes just wasn’t making me happy anymore. then even the time i was smoking didn’t make me happy. but it was worse without it it seemed. i would get extreme anxiety before i got to smoke. i wouldn’t get a buzz or anything. immediately after i would get anxiety again. looking back i am amazed that i only needed a pack every two days (i thought i was practising self control lol)

the night i decided to quit was really random. i was watching a youtube video of a young girl from my town. she is quite successful and has a really cozy lifestyle from what i’ve seen in her content. we have interacted a couple times and i knew that she didn’t smoke. and for some reason in that moment i got really envious. envious of her having her shit together and being cool and not having this issue. i decided to chainsmoke as much as i could (to make myself sick) and throw out any lighters, ashtrays, ANYTHING that had to do with smoking from my apartment. i don’t recommend this method, obviously, but i was desperate. that was the last night i smoked nicotine.

since then i’ve had really good moments where i feel so proud of myself. but the want to go back is ghostly and persistent. it feels like there’s just a void that needs to be filled and smoking is the only thing fit for the part. it’s weird because i know it will be bad, i wont enjoy it, i’ll be miserable. that’s what’s stopping me until now. but i miss it at the same time. i romanticise it in my head.

i also live in a place where people smoke everywhere (homes, cafes, streets etc.)

i don’t know. sometimes it just feels like it’s not even worth it. other times it doesn’t. but there’s always this little empty feeling inside.

i’ve been addicted to synthetic drugs and alcohol in the past and i barely think about it anymore. it never bothers me. but this feels so much harder. maybe because it’s the last thing i’ve ever quit and seems like the least “harmful”? and is generally more socially acceptable. but i swear to god it was ruining my life.

i don’t know what’s the reason for me sharing all of this. i know other people must feel this way too but i haven’t spoken with anyone about this so yeah.

In 2010, I was facing felony charges for distribution of drugs. I was a drug addict. Hook line and sinker. But never admitted that to myself. My drug of choice? Anything I could get my hands on. Cocaine, ecstasy, weed, Xanax, Oxycontin, ciggys, alcohol, ativan, seroquil, spice, mushrooms.. You name it.

Desperately wanting to avoid prison time, I did whatever I could to turn my life around. The potential pain in carrying on was too great to tolerate. This was my rock bottom.

I enrolled in college, started working out every day, got rid of any "friends" that wanted to continue that lifestyle.

And quitting my daily drug use?

It wasn't a factor. I was too scared. I was willing to do anything to escape my prison sentence so I dropped them all without looking back. I was lucky. Lucky I had hit rock bottom. Lucky that everything collapsed around me. I needed a push and this was it.

Apparently the judge saw that I was making real change and I was able to avoid prison. I was slapped with a couple of felonies, fines, and drug and rehab classes.

Having felonies on my record was hard. I couldn't get a decent job. Even Walmart was excited to hire me, but then rejected me because of my record. I knew that I had turned a new leaf. I just needed someone to see that I was changed now.

Luckily, I found a family that needed help with their special needs kid.

I worked for them for long enough to get my felonies reduced and expunged off my record.

When hard drugs turn into soft drugs.

I thought I was "drug free" because I had stopped all illegal drugs. But soon I found myself consuming copious amounts of caffeine in order to lose weight and get "Jacked". You see, I found a passion for natural bodybuilding and Jiu-Jitsu around 2011.

I consumed endless content on how to lose body fat so I could finally get a six pack. A lot of YouTubers at the time were promoting pre-workouts like Jack3d. Which also had another stimulant called 1,3 dimethylamylamine - or DMAA. Which was banned after it had become known to be problematic.

So there I was, taking Jack3d, working out, and trying to figure out how to get a six pack. I hired the same coaches that my favorite YouTuber Matt Ogus had. 3DMuscleJourney. I got very serious with Diet and training.

When I started with 3DMuscleJourney in 2012, I had been working out for a solid year. I had gotten down to 195lbs from 215. Not a huge difference. And I had put on a good amount of Muscle in that time.

3DMuscleJourney taught me and guided me on how to train effectively while dieting and how to diet efficiently by tracking macros. But my preworkout and caffeine use had spiked up 1,500mg a day. I used caffeine as a substitute for food. After 12 weeks, I was down to 160lbs.

I was fit by any person's definition. My new found glory would soon collapse as my caffeine and DMAA use caught up to me. I started having bad shoulder pain, my joints were achy and cracky, popping every time I moved. I started stretching and doing mobility exercises but the pain in my body only got worse. I was unable to sleep. I would have fits of rage followed by lows of doubt and depression.

Then, I broke. I was no longer able to exercise because of the pain. I started eating more to see if it would help my joints. I quickly gained 30lbs. Probably within only a few weeks. I ended my coaching and started to slip back towards the abyss

That's when I figured out that caffeine and DMAA were both a huge problem.

I had been consuming caffeine my whole life. But never thought twice about it. It was a legal substance that a kid could go buy in a vending machine. How bad could it be? Broken, I decided to quit.

I was quickly able to cut out DMAA. But every attempt at quitting caffeine left me in so much pain that I would quickly rationalize going back to it. I never made it past two weeks.

Why was this harder than quitting all of those harder drugs?

I guess decades of using a softer drug still carves out some pretty steep ravines in your reward pathway. Caffeine was my last vice. Or so I thought..

I read the book "Caffeine Blues". This book explained that caffeine is not healthy in any way. It is a stimulant that causes your body to break down over time just like any drug. The book outlined some of the negatives associated with caffeine.

• Poor sleep, even if you didn't consume caffeine close to bedtime
• Joint pain from increased muscle tension.
• Poor vitamin and mineral absorption.
• Energy crashes and mood swings.
• Irritability.
• Psychosis.
• Masking negatives of caffeine with drugs and alcohol.

The list goes on. This was crazy. The book recommended tapering off of caffeine. While I was able to wean down to 300-600 most days. I couldn't get myself to fully commit. I started to look for some help.

Maybe I needed something to give me energy and focus while I quit?

I started to look at "Nootropics" to help me focus. I tried a large variety of them.

• Noopept
• Modafinil
• Piracetam
• Aniracetam
• L-Theanine
• Phenibu
• Kratom
• Nicotine
• A large variety of other supplements.

Non of this helped me quit caffeine. I soon realized that these legal "Performance enhancers" were just drugs. With their own highs and lows. And negative effects over time. I ended up quitting all of this after a year.

It was back to the drawing board.

Around the end of 2015, I ended up doing a 3 month or so long caffeine taper. Using caffeine powder and a mg scale I bought off Amazon. The plan was slow and steady. 1-2mg per day. I didn't want to notice my caffeine levels were dropping. After about a month under 25mg, I started feeling great.

My joints felt great, Arizona heat was more comfortable, I craved healthy food and exercise, I slept like a baby, the list goes on. I had raised my testosterone levels from 320ng/dL to 575ng/dL.

But then, just as I finally let go of caffeine. There was a surprise. A curve ball that would change my life forever.

The boy who lived...

My first child was to be born. The 24 hours in the hospital was an introduction to the lack of sleep I would face over the next few years. I caved..

One or two cups of coffee later, my son was born, and a new cycle of baby wake me up > being tired > caffeine to get me through the day > poor quality sleep > baby wake me up had begun.

I got got even more dependent on caffeine. I could no longer just take a nap whenever I wanted. I was a mess. Feeling like shit, with high stress, I also started drinking alcohol and smoking weed again. My testosterone levels plummeted down to 275ng/dL.

Great move dad..

I wanted to get healthy again. I started reading books about health, nutrition, meditation, etc. I wanted to attack this problem from multiple angles. I started eating a plant-based diet, meditating, exercising, taking ice baths, etc. I quit alcohol and weed again. Tapering my caffeine down below 100mg again.

I was starting to feel better. Even got my testosterone levels all the way up to 575ng/D

The girl who lived..

Sorry about the Harry Potter references...

Just when I thought it was over, another curve ball to my health goals. Something that would start the lack of sleep cycle all over again.

You guessed it.. another child! This time, there was a baby girl in my house. This new baby came with new challenges. Our daughter was born with cataracts. She had to have surgery at around 3 months old to get them removed. So not only did we have to deal with the lack of sleep stress again, and boy did she excel in that area, we had to deal with putting contacts in a baby...

Imagine a grown man squeezing their fist closed. And you have to delicately open up their fist, and place a sticky note on their palm without bending the paper. And the grown man is also having a seizure at the same time. Also, you haven't slept a quality night of sleep for weeks.

Needless to say, but I'm going to say it, our stress levels shot through the roof. We had new worries and fears about our daughter's condition and the caffeine cycle ramped back up again. All while trying to focus on my new career in IT and raising our other child.

Testosterone Replacement Therapy

I think sometime early 2023, a friend told me he was on Testosterone replacement therapy (TRT). I knew my low test levels were due to stress, caffeine use, lack of sleep, belly fat, poor eating habits, etc. But I was desperate for some edge that would help me finally quit caffeine and get healthy again.

I thought, if I can use Testosterone to help me get healthy, then I can get off of it later and not suffer any consequences.

Boy was I wrong

TRT did give me more drive and gusto to get stuff done. It also made me work harder than my body wanted. I started getting more back pain from harder weightlifting session, I actually started doing more caffeine, and even weed again. I was like 6 years clean from weed at this point.

This made me over confident. Like I could handle anything, which led to poor decisions. I felt like a horny teenager and it made it hard to focus. I started masturbating furiously..

After 4 months stabbing myself in the ass, and draining my life essence, I decided to quit TRT cold turkey. I knew this wasn't what I needed.

Withdrawals from TRT were bearable. I had waves of depression, lack of energy, etc. But I got through it. I'll probably get my levels tested again soon. As I write this, I have been off of TRT for 12 months now.

I leaned more heavily on caffeine while I was coming off of TRT. My current levels are around 400mg per day. But tapering off is my primary focus. Or maybe I should try cold turkey again? Not sure how I can afford to be a useless zombie for weeks while I have a full time job and 2 kids to look after.

"Semen retention" and NoFap

For years, I had made half ass attempts at doing No Fap and quitting porn. The benefits claimed by people who have tried it are:

• Increased energy
• Vigor
• Willpower
• Can function on less sleep
• Increased confidenc
• Better focus and concentration
• Muscle growth
• Increased Libido

I started to read some books about the topic. This big two were "Your Brain on Porn" and "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow". These books took a more Science-based approach. There were also a couple books that were a little off tilt such as "Bliss of the Celibate" and "Why You Should Never Masturbate". These books included a lot of hokey about chakras and religion.

I never made it passed two weeks.

After TRT, I decided to give it a real go. NoFap/ Semen retention felt like my final try at getting an "edge". I lasted over a month. Just around the 3 week mark, I had felt the same benefits of TRT without all of the negatives. I also learned, that you have to be all in.

Any sexual thoughts had to be banished. Just think of something else. If you entertain lust at all, you will fail. Stay off social media where you may run into soft porn, which can start the spiral that leads you to porn, etc.

I was able to control my caffeine intake finally, my sleep was better, my wife was more attracted to me, I was more patient with the kids. I finally found the answer.

But then, I relapsed. And lost sight of the benefits. I had forgotten.

Slowly everything started slipping again. With small nofap stints here and there never lasting more than two weeks.

As I write this, I am realizing that caffeine was never my problem. It was a symptom of something else. I am currently on day 6 of retention and have made it my number one priority again. I need to remember this. I need my edge back.

The journey continues..

Life is full of ups and downs. And decisions you make (good or bad) compound over time. I know all of the positive effort, and commitment to personal development has paid off over time. Even though it may have been slower than I had hoped.

This story leaves out a lot. But I'd love to have a conversation with anyone who has had similar struggles. I have been going at this alone. I can only imagine how much more growth there can be surrounding yourself with like-minded individual

Ta Ta for Now.

I just wrote a really long version of this but it just disappeared and didn't post so im gonna keep this short.

I've suffered from porn addiction for about 7 years (I'm 19). Recently I have found Christ and he has helped me in overcoming it so far. Over the 7 years I developed fetishes that do t align with my sexual orientation nor with Christianity (obviously) and I don't know what to do, I feel immense Shane and guilt for this, it feels like I'm battling myself or rather something inside of me. I've prayed and asked for help, but I obviously need to make an effort myself to overcome this. Does anyone have any advice?

Long story short me 20M have been in a relationship with my amazing girlfriend 20F to keep it short she is the most wonderful woman on the world and I wish that I can one day marry her, she was raised with the idea that masturbation is bad and you should be ashamed of it and I wasnt, it was normal to me.

I tought we had a silent understanding on masturbation as the relationship started until I a situation arised where I had a screenshot of an onlyfans girl IG on my gallery and she saw it so I lied out fear and shame for thinking it was to do while with her and the sudden realization that there was no understanding and said it was just a model and I hid it to not make her feel insecure ( which had actually happened before) so she believed my miserable lie

from then on I struggled with trying to silently quit but couldnt and went on a cycle of making an excuse to myself to do it then feeling guilt and shame after.

This other time I made a dumb simple joke and she got mad that I insinuated that she had masturbated before and for admitting that I have done it, and there I found out how she was raised and I convinced her it was natural and okay but she wasnt okay with me looking at other woman in a sexual way and I lied again and agreed with her and said Ive never done it since im with her and I would also not like if it was the other way around. (I would be fine with it as long as it doesnt affect our love or intimacy and its done out of just pleasure and release as a biological need and we're not together)

Its been 5 months since then and the struggle of trying to quit just gets worse and worse. Sometimes I last a few days or even a week like right now but today I gave in to the desire and the guilt is the worse it has ever been and I cant take it anymore I am disgusted at myself I love her more than the world and want to make her the happiest woman alive but the guilt is eating me, part of me wants to tell her and ask for help so I dont have to fight it alone but the other part knows that for betraying her trust so horribly whats going to happen and what I deserve is to be broken up with. I want to fix my mistakes but my weakness doesnt let me

(40f) I know its a duh kind of statement, but I've always been the person that could take or leave alcohol, substances, tobacco etc. My whole life.
And the few times I've done coke I didn't get i at all. I thought it was way overrated.

Until I bought some a few months ago. And I did it all in one night. I chalked it up to myself as a fun wild experience of letting myself enjoy a thing I never had done. I thought about it a few times since then as a surge or a longing, but didn't take it seriously.

Until I bought some more the other day, thinking I would have it for an every now and then fun little thing at a party or with friends. And now I can't stop doing it. And I feel the sneakiness that comes with it. And the shame. And the quiet but very convincing voice that is arm wrestling inside that is justifying doing it when I usually feel solid and grounded in myself. And its super tender to admit I’m not in control here. I’m on it right now. And still want to do more.

And of course I know to not buy it again. But I've never felt this before and wanted to speak it into a space.

I shared with my partner who doesn't have this relationship with cocaine, but still. It feels scary to know I do have a place where I am absolutely not in control and can not trust the voice inside of me.

I don't actually know what advice is needed, as I've usually disliked the usual addiction language, but support and connection here feel so valuable.

Thanks for hearing me in this spot.

Does anyone know any online pastors or free therapy I can access to gain advice on a very personal issue. I've had a look and due to being a student I simply cannot afford the prices available. This issue is making it hard to seek righteousness and affecting my mental wellbeing. If anyone can help please message me. Thanks

i have bipolar disorder type 1 and im currently in a manic episode and im watching it slowly destroy my life. i don’t know what to do. just some background info i went on an 8month bender with coke almost 3 years ago and i stayed sober for a long time. relapsed like maybe 3 times but i never fell back into addiction. something is different this time. i’ve been rapid cycling due to medication changes and i started doing coke again. i try to take a break but only last a day or two. i’m scared i’m gonna fall back into addiction and my boyfriend is scared too it’s starting to affect our relationship. i know i need to stop now but i have really bad impulse control when i’m manic. i’ve already told my psychiatrist about my relapse but there’s only so much she can do. should i go to the mental hospital? i’m not suicidal but i feel like that’s the only way to keep myself from abusing substances. i’m scared. i can’t bring myself to do it but maybe if someone agrees with me i will. i don’t have health insurance rn and i can’t really afford a hospital stay or rehab but i need to help myself before it gets bad.

Edit: I appreciate the few people who interacted with this post. I'm going to bed. I will feel better tomorrow. Thank you, everyone.

It's been years since I've binge drank(or any drug for that matter), and finally gave in today. I feel alive again. It's like something melted away and I can be myself again. Things finally feel like they have meaning to them. Everything feels charged and imbued with substance, and I don't feel lost and I feel like I understand my place in life and what I want to do with it. I've come so far, but it always feels like a struggle, but now I feel okay. I feel like I can put my own recovery into perspective. Even my dog feels more alive and dear to me than she usually does.

What the hell is the point of a life devoid of this feeling? Why do I struggle so hard with so much for something that is ultimately unnatainable? That 'God' that everyone talks about. I'll never reach him, I'll never be a good man, I'll die before I am even one percent of the way there.

I know the right thing is to stay away from all this but why cant I be content without it? Did I damage my mind that far? Fuck man. This is a cruel fucking world.

This feeling is going to end in a few hours and I'll go back to being an anxious mess that doesn't understand what to do with himself and knows that everything is pointless and absurd. I really wish things could be different.

wow this is literally the worst opioid i have had withdrawals from. the mental battle is truly like nothing you’ve ever dealt with.

“gas station heroin” is no exaggeration…if you value your life & finances, do not take this stuff…

I was against going to rehab but ended up going as a last resort in October of 2023. I'm now 7 months clean and sober, and I'm actually doing well and content/mildly happy. It's hard work but it has really paid off. I wanted to share my full rehab experience/review for anyone who is looking for support, answers, or insight into whether or not rehab is worth it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k097Cn2A1ZI

Have you overcome an addiction? I am dying to hear some success stories from people of all ages and backgrounds. What was your struggle? What helped you overcome it? What have you accomplished since becoming sober?

Hello, my name is Mateusz, since I was 10 years old, I have been very addicted to the computer and phone, until now, and even more so, I am very addicted now I am 17 years old and I still play games and spend time on telecon, I tried many ways to fix it, but unfortunately I always came back and played literally crazy 24 hours every day I slept 4 hours and then I played again and then I played less 16 hours and then I slept again for 6 hours and the same thing happened over and over and over again, I was stumbling over lessons, I don't study, I don't read any books, the only thing I can do is practice something, but that's it always the whole day or on the phone 16 hours anyway or on the computer, the problem is that it happens almost every day, I'm turbo

Hi everyone,

A recent incident really hit me hard: I was excited about a job opportunity, but during the interview, when my past addiction came up, I saw the interviewer’s attitude change completely. Despite my qualifications and the progress I've made, I felt reduced to just my past mistakes. It was a stark reminder of the stigma that still exists and how it can impact our lives.

Have any of you faced similar challenges or unfair treatment due to your addiction, whether in the workplace, healthcare, or social situations? How has stigma affected your recovery journey, and do you feel it’s a significant issue that needs more attention and solutions?

Thank you for sharing your stories.

Stay strong

I'm so tired of everything I just wanna feel good

Hi everyone, I want to talk about something that I've been struggling with for some time now... I've been addicted to youtube, and I know this is probably a weird one and some may not even consider it possible to be addicted to such thing but I truly believe I'm addicted to youtube videos. I've had some time to think about this and I notice that I can't stop watching videos and spend a lot of time just looking for something to watch. Againg I've had some time to thing about this problem I've been having and I feel that the reason I do this is because it helps me quiet my mind. Ignore things going on over there that I rather avoid and also because deep inside I feel alone and can't deal with me loneliness. So I lean on these people behind the screen to make me company. I don't have many friends to talk to and always had trouble make ones, so I have no one to talk to about my interest so I watch youtubers who have the same passions as me and feel like a really need them in my life otherwise I'll be alone and have no one to talk to even though I just listen... This is killing me because I waste hours watching videos or even worse just looking for videos to watch, and I don't do anything else I'm suppose to do. Sometimes I don't even pay attention to the videos, it's just there to create some noise for me. This is also killing me will to do anything, even interect with my hobbies since watch videos feels more digestible and easy to do. I want to be free of this thing maybe not stop entirely, but instead watch youtube only when i really need to for specific things i might be looking for, or when I youtuber that I follow releases something that I really I'm interested in and not just so I can have some random noise in my head. I just need some new perspective in all of these and maybe some advice...

Ps: Sorry for the long text, and for my terrible writting I tried to make it as understandable as possible but I admite I'm not very good at this.

Hi. Has anyone ever used Abilify to help you to overcome a coke addiction? How did it go, and what dosage of abilify did you take? Thank you.

Between 2016-2021 I did any drug I could and spent so much money on getting high on anything I could get my hands on. Opiates are my DOC and after prices and too many fake pills going around, I stopped buying from everyone but 1 person because I didn't want to die. I have always been a high functioning addict. It's not the same as it was when I first started because I worked two jobs to pay bills and afford mine and my ex's habit. Currently I'm working the one job I've had for 7 years and not financially struggling at all but a part of me knows how mad and disappointed everyone would be if they knew. I've never had kids or been in jail. I've gained all my weight back, in a decent place mentally, my credit score is up, debts paid off, and just over all not struggling. You would never be able to tell by just looking at me. I feel really guilty when people tell me how good I look and how different I am now. I'm just not ready to stop and I don't know how to be. I have no plans for rehab or a MAT program. I justify it to myself because I'm high functioning.