Why didnt anyone tell me that dating when you’re gay is complicated as hell because of how the community is. Like your dating life is either one or the other

1. You grew up in a small town with not that many options so you don’t have a dating life till you’re 20’s or 30’s and then finding someone who wants to deal with someone with no experience or is still a virgin gets tricky because some gay guys expect others to lose their virginity in their teen years.

2. You grew up in area with options upon options so you get to have a normal dating life like most straight people.

3. Your life is like a movie and you meet the one gay boy in your school and you date him because he’s the only queer within a 100 mile radius or walking distance or in some cases that one dude who was straight his whole life until he met you.

4. You’ve been hooking up with DL guys since middle or high school and you either continue doing that or you wake up and realize you’re self worth and try to have an actual relationship not based around sex.

5. You were being fast or felt so alone and went on a dating app or website and started hooking up with men way older than you and then just coast through life or looking back at it thinking it was normal.

6. Or if you don’t fit a certain body type or have an unreasonable standard of beauty you’re deemed undesirable which might mess with your self confidence later on and you break your back trying to look a certain type of way.

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I’m 33 M South Asian gay male living in a liberal west coast city and have often noticed that a lot of people (usually white) have strong opinions about desi culture.

I’m generally more of “mind my own business”, “no opinions until I’m well informed on something” and “don’t make assumptions about anyone or hold them to stereotypes” of a person and in many conversations, I often feel a power dynamic where I’m always on the receiving end of someone’s comments on my culture. Some examples:

• Sayings things like they’d not visit India because of the stereotypes around poverty, sexual harassment, pollution, etc. (not denying any of these problems but do I have to carry the burden of all these stereotypes? Can replace Indian with the US and cite the same argument with things like abortion, racism, mass shootings, etc.)

• Unnecessary assumptions just because I have a certain skin color / heritage. I was once asked by an old white man if my parents are forcing me to marry a woman in an arranged marriage (Imagine me asking a white person if their family is forcing them to join a local KKK chapter or something)

• Casual comments on the Indian accent (e.g. least favorite accent, why is it funny) or food (e.g can’t handle the flavors bla bla bla)

And while most of social circle is full of people who appreciate the culture, can’t really escape ignorant people once I’m outside my bubble.

I have noticed that I’m starting to build a bit of anger and frustration over this. How do y’all deal with this?

Hey everyone,

I'm a member of a new POC focused queer discord server and we're looking for new members. I believe our server bio gives the best representation of the vibes we are aiming for:

"Welcome to Haven (21+)! A server where queer people of color can be unapologetic about themselves, their queerness and find joy in the company of like-minded people. We welcome you to enjoy a safe Haven, where you can let your hair be natural, you wrists be limp and your references be cultural."

If this sounds appealing to you, please come join us: https://discord.gg/gayhaven

If you need a few questions to answer:

1. How are you at the moment?

2. Any worries on your mind you need to release into the world?

3. How are you participating in self-care today/this week/this month?

Growing up all I heard was about how my dad had to fend off girls with a stick when he was younger and I got to see my sisters get hit on constantly or have guys come up to me to put in a good word for them and anytime I had a crush on a guy it was either he’s DL, he’s Straight ,or “I’m sorry you’re not my type I’d be more into you if you were white.” And if I refused a DL guys advances I’d either get blocked or picked on. And I lost the one best friend I had because I mistakenly told him that I’ve liked him for years after I got my wisdom tooth removed and was still high on anesthesia in high school.

And I get straight people are always going to outnumber gay people but it still sucks especially when you grow up in a town that’s considered a small town. So I never developed any flirting skills ,never been on a date ,never kissed a boy, never held hands yet I have gotten head from two different guys sadly. So I kinda had to teach myself how to be content with never having dating experience like everyone else and that I might end up like my uncle who’s in his 60’s and gay or my Great uncle who was gay but died single in his late 40’s . So now I’m almost 22 and nothing has really changed and I’ve sorta lost interest in finding a boyfriend and mainly because I don’t really see it as a reality anymore and now I’m mainly focused on my job and being a good Uncle I’ve sorta had a glow up but despite all that I just don’t see it happening.

The unthinkable has happened. What happens next? Every dream, every fight, every ancestor… wasted. Democracy dies in darkness, and they voted to shut off the lights. How do we fight? Or do we just lay it down?

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Mine is guys burping on command. Unique I know, Idk if anyone would be open to it.

Me and my pals built together three mostly Safe For Work, mixed and inclusive subreddit communities for everything centered on adult women and gender variant people after our totally private and inclusive group chat room grew so big that we had to build a subreddit community.

We currently have more than 1600 member users and more than 195 posts with image descriptions accessible for visually impaired people added to the large collection of diverse content growing with new additions almost daily in our subreddit community called r/GalsAndPals that we built because of popular demand.

r/GalsAndPals is as a mostly Safe For Work and inclusive safe space built for everything centered on adult people who at least partly somehow identify with unconventional womanhood, including top, verse, dominant, switchy, gentlewomanly, girlboss, punky, tomboyish, futchy, butchy, ursine, crossdressing, androgynous, intersex, altersex, transy, transbianish, genderfluid, and genderqueer woman-ish people, but anyone is welcome to post here as long as they are respectful pals to the gals and request mod permission.

We currently also have more than 220 member users and more than 35 posts with image descriptions accessible for visually impaired people added to the large collection of diverse content growing with new additions almost daily in our subreddit community called r/DollsAndPals that we also built because of popular demand.

r/DollsAndPals is as a mostly Safe For Work and inclusive safe space built for everything centered on adult people who at least partly somehow identify with conventional womanhood, including bottom, verse, subby, switchy, housewifey, ladylike, femme, futchy, androgynous, intersex, altersex, transy, transbianish, genderfluid, and genderqueer woman-ish people, but anyone is welcome to post here as long as they are respectful pals to the dolls and request mod permission.

We also currently have more than 360 member users and more than 160 posts with image descriptions accessible for visually impaired people added to the large collection of diverse content growing with new additions almost daily in our subreddit community called r/GuysAndPals that we also built because of popular demand.

r/GuysAndPals is a mostly Safe For Work and inclusive safe space built for everything centered on adult people who at least partly somehow identify with unconventional manhood, including bottom, verse, subby, switchy, malewifey, househusband, twinkish, softboyish, femboyish, ladylike, crossdressing, androgynous, intersex, altersex, transy, transbianish, genderfluid, and genderqueer man-ish people, but anyone is welcome to post here as long as they are respectful pals to the guys and request mod permission.

We do have some basic respect safety expectations as guidelines written in the rules page section of our subreddit communities to help sustain the health of our groups as welcoming, accessible, inclusive, diverse, mixed and shared safer spaces free of judgement and harm that you should read.

We are inclusive of transy, transbianish, transfeminine, transandrogynous, transmasculine, detrans, retrans, genderfluid, and genderqueer people in all three of our subreddit communities.

Anyone is welcome to be in our community subreddits and contribute posting, but ONLY AS LONG AS they are RESPECTFUL WITH EVERYONE AND HAVE already had a sent MOD PERMISSION REQUEST APPROVED, because our subreddits have changed status from being totally private communities to being a somewhat restricted communities.

Our subreddits are only currently temporarily somewhat restricted for being in an experimental early development stage until becoming more accessible, public and welcoming after a time when we are more prepared enough to deal with more diverse types of visitors having access to our place.

If you may be feeling interested in joining, just drop a comment here below or send a moderator mail message to get permission granted to be able to post in one or all of our subreddits or if you want support to create another group.

Also make sure to check out our long, creative, diverse and inclusive lists of silly and cute user flairs and post sections, especially the "Transcribed" and "User Introductions" post sections, to familiarize yourself with examples of how and what content is posted in our communities.

Sharing is caring, because sharing new content like posts and comments in and out of our subreddits is the bare minimum enough to support our spaces living and thriving, so feel free to share our content out there to invite your adult lovers, friends, partners and acquaintances to join our subreddit communities.

The moderation is always open to answering questions and clearing doubts.

No need to be shy as we do not bite.

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soo like the title says i am lookin for friends that are more similar to me in terms of personality + lived experiences! i will of course share a bit about myself too, but mostly my intent is to make more friends and be more social.

so hello! i am geovanni, agender transmasculine, i do not use pronouns! i am 22, jamaican + african american, i love art, music and video games! i am a college graduate, i loveee drag + sfx makeup, i am a jester which means i love a good laugh esp over nothing, and i’m an insomniac! my favorite color is blue and i currently am a cashier at an outdoor recreation store 🌳

anybody who wants to be pals can msg me or introduce yourself below so maybe other ppl can also read about you :3

Hey friends,

As a person of color living in a predominantly white area in Canada, I've learned some tough lessons about dating in the LGBTQ+ community.

You might know you're attractive and confident, but sadly, that's not always enough. I've found it's really tough to get dates, even when you're looking for someone with similar interests. It feels like some people won't give you a chance because of their unconscious biases.

It can get frustrating and isolating, especially when the dating pool seems dominated by white people who seem to have an easier time finding love or hookups. It feels like the system is stacked against us.

What's even harder is when fellow people of color are more focused on getting attention from white people, rather than building genuine connections with each other.

And then there are those who do show interest, but unfortunately, they often see me as a fetish rather than a person worthy of a real connection.

I'm sharing this because I know I'm not alone. Let's break down these barriers and create a more inclusive, loving community for everyone.

Me and my pals built together three mostly Safe For Work, mixed and inclusive subreddit communities for everything centered on adult women and gender variant people after our totally private and inclusive group chat room grew so big that we had to build a subreddit community.

We currently have more than 1100 member users in our older subreddit community called r/GalsAndPals that we built because of popular demand as a mostly Safe For Work and inclusive subreddit community for everything centered on ADULT people who at least partly somehow identify with unconventional womanhood.

We currently also have more than 50 member users in our younger subreddit community called r/DollsAndPals that we are also building because of popular demand as a mostly Safe For Work and inclusive subreddit community for everything centered on ADULT people who at least partly somehow identify with conventional womanhood.

We also currently have more than 190 member users in our subreddit community called r/GuysAndPals that we are also building because of popular demand as a mostly Safe For Work and inclusive subreddit community for everything centered on ADULT people who at least partly somehow identify with unconventional manhood.

We do have some basic respect safety guideline expectations written in the rules page section of our subreddit communities to help sustain the health of our groups as inclusive safer spaces free of judgement and harm that you should read.

We are inclusive of transy, transbianish, transfeminine, transandrogynous, transmasculine, detrans, retrans, genderfluid, and genderqueer adult people.

Our subreddits are currently temporarily somewhat restricted for being in an experimental early development stage until becoming more accessible, public and welcoming after a time when we are more prepared enough to deal with more diverse types of visitors having access to our place.

If you may be feeling interested in joining, just drop a comment here below or send a moderator mail message to have access to one or all of our subreddits or if you want support to create another group.

We are always open to answering questions and clearing doubts.

As I’ve looked into the BDSM community more and more lately, it seems like it’s mostly yt people who just want to feel superior. The crazy part is that every time I’ve spoken with someone, it’s always something like, “I’m their slave” (the fuck?) or “I should be grateful for their yt cock.” Like, big man, pump the brakes! Then when you do see other POC, they only want some yt twink. I’m not trying to bash anyone—if that’s what you like, go for it, I’m not trying to be a dick—but some of these folks only mess with yt twinks (don’t mean to sound like a hater, but what the fuck). Then I look into some events, and it’s just this cesspool of creepy people who just want to make me a pet or something.

All that to say: does anyone know if there are actually any groups to discuss BDSM in the POC community, or can no one match my freak? 25M

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i hope that this doesn’t come off as arrogant or anything. i’m genuinely curious. let me preface this by saying i know i am attractive, i’ve been told most of my life. most of my friends are too. though recently over the past few years i feel like that’s 90% of my appeal and no one cares about the other shit. i can only get guys to talk to me through the notion of sex. alternatively, i feel that my friends have started distancing themselves from me. now my self image isn’t the best, but i carry myself in a way that you’d never know it. sort of a “fake it till you make it” kind of thing.

i know i know how it sounds and by itself my thoughts would seem unwarranted, but i’ve been getting vibes like some friends start feeling a type of way once they see i have confidence and can set boundaries.

like it really triggers them that i look at myself a certain way (or don’t). like i can’t have both looks and self-love i have to choose one. sometimes they make me feel like me holding myself to a certain standard is a direct offense to them. these feelings come up most when we go out together. if they only knew it’s all a lie, it’s all fake i lowkey hate myself. i never let anyone see it, but down in the deepest inner most parts of myself, i feel there is something really wrong, a serious error.

idk i've just been feeling really shitty lately. I'm always letting someone down or messing something up.

TL/DR; i guess my question is: how do i let people know that i’m more than just my looks? and how do i get my friends to see that my confidence is not to spite them??

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as the title suggests, i just sent in my application for a community college for the 2024-25 school year. i plan on doing two years here and transferring to a university like i was originally planning before i left. very nervous. i dropped out the first time in 2020 because of covid, anxiety, and depression, amongst other things. also i just wasn’t confident i could do it on account of me having little to no support.

i’ve always wanted to go to college. i live in a small town and i often crave a sense of community and new ideas and experiences. but mostly i want to go so i can be able to learn from my peers or people who are likeminded.

i really want to go back i just hate to feel like i have to go it alone. even if it was only one person, i’d love to have someone make sure i was staying focused and on track as i have really struggled with that in the past. i was thinking about maybe going to a psychiatrist to get evaluated and maybe diagnosed (because im pretty sure i have some form of depression/anxiety or even just ADHD) so that maybe they could help with some accommodations.

i just turned 22 and im living with my mother still. for the past four years i’ve just been working. not towards anything, just working because that’s what i was told i need to do. i didn’t have any goals, at least none i could reach where i was (financially and mentally).

feeling hopeless about my future, this is a last ditch effort to try and live the life i want to live. i’m planning on majoring in something to do with music because that’s what i’m passionate about. i’d love some advice on how to make this process smoother/easier.

there just has to be a way out of this lol

TLDR I reapplied to college in hopes of bettering my future. this is mostly uncharted territory for me tho and i’m terrified.

Speak Your Mind

If you need a few questions to answer:

1. How are you at the moment?

2. Any worries on your mind you need to release into the world?

3. How are you participating in self-care today/this week/this month?

I’m a brown (Caribbean) bisexual who has lived in 3 different big Midwest cities and in general I rarely get matches with women. When I was younger 18-20 I definitely got a lot more, but also back then in general I was able to match with a lot more people. I still do fairly well with getting matches when it comes to men ( & getting matches with men I find attractive), but curious if anyone else has this issue. I will say it does get a bit better when I travel to bigger cities, but I feel the difference between my non men and men matches makes no sense. Like in general it’s hard dating as a Brown person, but the last time I had a relationship (any at that) with a girl I was 19, and im turning 24 this summer, so I feel I must be doing something wrong…

I've been doing some reflecting today. Is it better to be with someone you're unhappy with than to be unhappy by yourself? That's one question.

The other one is about the hierachy of physical attraction. I am near the bottom just by virtue of being black. I can't be considered presentable with my hair in its natural state. It doesn't matter how in shape I get or how light my skin is. I have black features that other people do not flock to and that I've grown to dislike about myself at times if I'm being honest.

I do find certain men attractive based on their looks, but the spectrum is broad. How much attraction is based on what we've been told is attractive? And a lot of those guys wouldn't give me the time of day anyway. I'm not talking about the white men FYI.

I believe I will follow my list of priorities and values in the future and try to meet guys who align with those. But then if we are physically unmatched, am I "dating down"? I don't want to be with someone who's not physically very into me and vice versa. It doesn't feel very good when you're never enough for someone.

My therapist often asks what my thoughts/beliefs/actions say about my values.

Just wanting to spark some discussion while it's on my mind. Currently, I do believe it's better to be unhappy single than unhappy in a relationship. I can spend time with friends if I get lonely. I will have to do some thinking on the other questions.

Hey everyone! I’m a black gay living in Toronto. I need to ask you guys a few questions because I really feel lonely in this. Do you all feel that “Anti dark skin” vibe while trying to hang out in the community ? (US & Canada). It’s not like people would reject us but they would be very cold towards us. Every time I go to a bar on myself I can assure you no one will talk to me. We all know gays only talk to the people they are attracted to in bars. This, plus the look they give me like am an alien or something. I’m in my early 20s, with an athletic body, pecs, abs… it’s cliché but we all know that’s what gay people are after most of the time. But still, I don’t attract anyone. Same on the apps, whether it’s Grindr where people would only message me because they “never had a black guy before” or because they are looking for a BBC (gosh I hate that term). I always have that feeling that I have to be extremely flawless considering my skin tone to attact people. We can’t be “normal”.

It’s just feels like I’m gonna end alone and depressed. Even when I try to speak about that, people never acknowledge or pretend they don’t know about that.

How do you all deal with this?

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