Content Warnings: >!Mentions of racism!<

Mood Spoiler:>! Positive for OOP!<

I am not the OOP, that would be u/tangotango112 who posted this on r/MaliciousCompliance*. I have edited these posts slightly for formatting purposes.*

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I didn't have to work overtime? OK, Roger that (Posted January 8th, 2023)

I am a mariner. My position on the ship is Mate. Below me are my deck hands who are responsible for the labor work like painting, grinding, maintenance, line handling, cargo ops, etc. Above me is the chief mate (second in command) and the Captain (in charge of everyone and the responsible individual for the entire ship). We are officers and we do the planning for navigation, ship handling, training, payroll, etc. I work for a private company that pays me by a day rate which is a 12 hour work day. I work one month on and one month off.

Like most industries, we are undermanned, can't hire enough to fill all positions. Now this ship I work is even harder to crew up, mainly because of the captain. He's got a notorious reputation for being a jerk. So people find all sorts of ways not to come to this boat. And if they do, they only work one tour and never come back. I joined this ship back in May and for the last 7 months it's been kinda hell working for this Captain. He's a narcissist, condescends everyone, insults everyone, works us like slaves, never thanks us, just an all around class act. You know these type of bosses. They never let up, they push you to the limit and just makes you hate work and life.

With that said, I've been working 15 sometimes 18 hours a day because we're short handed. I'm doing all sorts of work that's not in my job description. I had to do cargo ops, handle mooring lines, maintenance, all in addition to my Mate duties. I'm a very hard worker, a team player, and never say no to work.

The thing is we don't get paid for any more than 12 hours of work a day. So all those extra hours i worked are unpaid. It burns me and I freaking hate it but like I said I'm a team player, I want to make sure it's safe for my guys, the operations get completed, and clients stay happy so I do what is asked of me. I'm also the cook (we don't have an official cook on board because this is considered a small crew and small ship), i was cooking lunch every day for my crew and many dinners too. Generally you're on your own for breakfast and dinner.

I was so good at my job that he and the chief mate passed their duties on to me so they can just sit back and relax. Chief mates and captains have a lot of paperwork to do but I was handling that for them too until up to this point.

Well one day, I'm just completely burnt out with these 15-18 hour days. I get into a discussion about how the captain and company is stealing my wages because I'm working more than 12 hours a day. I asked him if I could show up to watch an hour later than my schedule duty (the engine dept does this when they require their folks to work overtime the day before). I work a swing shift which overlaps both the captain and chief mate so it's not unheard of or uncommon to let guys show up late especially if they worked more than 12 hours the previous day. Well once I asked to sleep in an extra hour, all hell broke loose with him insulting me, calling me names, being racist, "nobody wants to work anymore blah blah blah, just nasty inappropriate behavior that shouldn't happen but happens all the time in this industry. He then finishes the verbal beat down with a cocky eating grin, "you know Mate, you never HAD to work overtime. You could have just said no"

I was steaming at this point but I just replied with, "OK Roger that" I called it a day and went to bed. Cue malicious compliance.

The next day I'm already on watch and he comes on to work and asks me what's for lunch. "nothing, I'm not cooking today" "did you pull out anything from the freezer at least" "nope" so nobody had any real food for lunch. They all made sandwiches and ate chips instead.

Later that day, "hey I need you to go finish painting the rescue boat. The guys are busy with other projects and I want this done today" "well capt, since it's not in my job description, I respectfully decline" we get into a little arguing but he concedes. The very next day he pulls the same thing "what's for lunch" "nothing" "what do we have that we can cook real fast" "I don't know capt, I didn't check, cooking isn't my job remember so I don't plan on doing it " he rushes to cook some whole chickens in an hour and they came out raw and really ticked off the crew. Nobody touched his food. This routine lasted a whole week until it was the end of my tour and I got to go home.

I returned to duty a month later and he thought I would forget or let it slide. I indeed did not forget or let it slide. For the the next entire month long tour the capt had to do the cooking because the chief mate and I refused to do it and he complained because he had to wake up early and prep food. I was already doing all that when I was cooking. I just didn't complain. I enjoy cooking. But I was willing to die on this hill, I wasnt letting it go. I refused to let him win this battle. I did not cook one meal. To be petty, I made myself delicious food, did not share it, I refused any work that wasn't in my job description.

What's he gonna do? Write me up on disciplinary for not doing someone else's job that isn't mine or for not working past 12 hours? Not happening. Understand, at this point I was physically tired, burnt out, and mentally drained from doing everybody's job and taking crap from him.

I asked for a transfer to another ship but got denied so I'm still stuck on this ship with this Captain but now he knows where I stand. And I haven't cooked or did extra duties since. And that's what you get for taking advantage of a good worker and always insulting me.

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Edit: I forgot to add that one of the reasons I for not getting a transfer is because nobody is easily willing to come here and work with this guy. One day during that hitch I came up to the bridge and overheard him talking to the assignment manager about keeping me here permanently because "he's a good Mate, he's prior military, and he can cook" blah blah blah. I was suppose to be a floater, filling in positions on different boats as needed which is what I like. Well, that worked out well.

Edit2: There's something you have to understand. We do cargo operations that involve rigging cables to cargo on our deck for offload/onload, it can be very dangerous at times. This evolution requires at least two people and because office management sucks with manning, sometimes we don't have two people to do it. I care about the safety of my guys/girls. I would never leave them hanging like that and that's why I'll go down on deck and help. I've been in that situation many times and it sucks. I do it for my guys not for the captain or the company.

It doesn't make it fair or enjoyable but I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if one of my guys got injured or killed because I let them work alone. The other things like cooking, captains paperwork, maintenance, engineering, I continue to refuse those duties.

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Update to my "I don't have to work overtime?" (August 21st. 2023)

Hey guys, not sure if this is allowed but a few folks wanted to hear an update to my situation from several months ago and so I have one.

After escalating my complaints about Captain Suka, and threatening with formal complaints to HR and higher, the coordinator (another lazy incompetent suka), I was finally assigned to a new boat. Yes! Finally, A new assignment! So I get to the new ship, I go to work for this new captain and crew and applied my new learned lesson of "Act your Wage" (thanks redditor Metraxix). I did not cook, I didn't do any extra duties outside my job description, I worked ONLY my 12 hours and nothing more. I knew a couple guys on this new boat so I got along with them easily. Things are looking good.

But after 1 week of being there my coordinator transfered me to another ship because some Captain Bylat pulled rank and wanted to work an extra 2 weeks. So I get kicked off this one and go to another boat. A worse boat. I spent 2 more weeks there and it was just more bullshit. This Captain Ron was pencil whipping training, drills, safety meetings, etc and I wanted no part of this BS.

It was at this point I had enough with this company. They were suppose to be one of the biggest and baddest outfits in the industry but really it was being managed like shit. My mental health declined. I went home, took my scheduled 1 month off and I decided to not come back to work for this company. I ended up taking an extra month off to focus on my mental health, spend some more time with family. Had some old Veteran friends come visit for a while to catch up and shoot the shit.

I reached out to some friends that work in the same profession and got some leads that landed me a new job immediately with a small outfit. With my newly updated resume and experience I was offered even more money than the last company. I do much less work, with less stress, with a chill crew, closer to my home, no morale beatings, verbal abuse, did I mention I'm getting paid more? Fuck yeah.

I am fortunate that the ship industry right now is in big demand for workers so jobs are plentiful, pay is competitive and I'm getting into the wind farm industry so we have contracts for a while which means there's gonna be plenty of work to go around.

Tschuss!

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Reminder that brigading is banned on this sub.

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I am NOT OP. Original post by u/mymomstolemymoney in r/personalfinance

trigger warnings: >!Narcissistic Parent!<

[My mom stole $30K from my savings and I don’t know how it happened] (https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/s/L4eAB3SqRm) - 11/05/2023

hi all, I hope this topic is allowed here.

last night, I checked my bank account to see that my mom had stolen about 30k USD from my savings account. the withdrawal showed up on my end as "miscellaneous debit". my mom had stolen it last week and i didn't notice until today, due to the fact that I only check my bank account around once a week. if you're wondering why i don't check more often- it's just because my dad allows me to use his credit card for groceries while I'm in college and I only ever buy groceries for myself. the only time I check my bank account is when i have to pay for some expense (bills, etc.)

my mom and i have not spoken in more than a year due to reasons that aren't really important. i'm just emphasizing that we do not have a relationship. my dad also does not speak to her- only through lawyers. when i first left her house at 18, my mom gave me nothing, withholding my birth certificate/ID/etc. i had to painstakingly replace everything. i finally was able to find a bank where i could open an account with the forms of ID i could provide. i went to the bank alone and opened a bank account- that bank account was opened by me, i was the only one who signed for it, and not even my dad had any access to it whatsoever (of course, since i'm an adult).

fast forward to today, when i called the bank after seeing all the money from my savings account gone. this money i had saved up over the span of around a year, where my dad paid me generously while working for him. the bank revealed that it was my mom who took the money. the bank told me that my mom was a signer on my own bank account, and that my bank account was actually a joint account. this was a revelation to me, as i opened this account on my own- i don't even know how my mom knew my savings account number, because again, i have not spoken to her in over a year. they told me for this reason, they could not file a dispute, but that i'd have to go to my local branch (which is not local anymore, since i moved away for college) to fix the problem, as they were the ones who transferred the money.

of course i was just floored and confused, and asked how a joint account is made. they said that for a joint account to be created, both people must be present. i went and made my account alone. i, of course, am going to have to follow all the steps after this- going to the original branch to see what happened, talking to the manager, closing the account, and i'm going to be switching banks altogether while this is being investigated.

can someone please tell me how my mom was able to do this? was it a mistake on my end? how likely is it that i can get my money back?

edit to add some information: my mom is a very powerful woman and she's done things that are worse than this. i can't help but feel defeated already because she probably found a legal loophole.

edit: this post has gotten so much bigger than i thought it would. i have taken some of your advice and i talked to my dad about possibly using his legal team for this, which i was planning on doing anyways. my dad of course agreed right away and told me not to take any action quite yet before we talk to the lawyers and take a look at all of the physical paperwork from the bank. i will post an update in the near future about the conclusion of my predicament. thank you all so much for the great advice and please wish me luck. i’m really gonna need it :( i’ll make a master post explaining everything that happens when it’s all over.

RELEVANT COMMENTS (Including more comments than you would usually see in these posts because a lot is clarified in the OP comments. Some are quite long.

OOP Random Comment

i have this set up! i get text messages whenever i spend more than $100. but it was alllll quiet on the western front when 32k was taken from my savings lol. thank you!

Reader Comment

Sounds like you messed up. I don’t know how you wouldn’t know you have a joint account. Those are not easy to setup

OOP Response

because i didn't set up a joint account!! i promise you lol. i went to the bank and asked to open a single account. i was the only one present and my account was created by the time i left. there was no weird online stuff, it was very straightforward.

Reader Comment

Nobody can tell you (and the bank won't) how she impersonated you. File a police report. Contact the bank and give them the number and escalate it to the fraud dept. File a CFPB complaint if the bank won't help you. This is criminal theft, fraud, and Identity theft.

OOP

thank you. I'll be sure to do all of the above. this is such an overwhelming revelation

Response to OOP’s post above

I would also take a look at your most recent bank statement, either the printed copy that they send or it may also be available online. It should show the registration on the account. If your mom’s name is on there, then it is a joint account. If it is not, I would ask the bank for the legal registration on the account. For example, for a joint account, you might see something like:

Your Name

Your Mom’s Name JTWROS

Your Address

If you just see your name, I would challenge the bank to prove to you that it is legally a joint account. I am sorry this happened to you, it is the ultimate betrayal for a parent.

OOP

so, i just checked my bank statements and they do have my mom's name on them. these are my e-statements and i've received statements in the mail before, and i'm going to dig them back up because there's no way i wouldn't have noticed my mom's name on them, too. but that still leaves the question- i went to the bank alone and opened my account alone. it is impossible to create a joint account with another person unless they are present- to my knowledge, at least. i was over 18 at the time, as well. i feel like an idiot! how can this be possible?

Comment

Does you mother also have her own account or prior relationship with this bank? It's not uncommon for people like her to leverage that to access your account. Although it's hard to see how she could have been added and the account changed to joint.

Get all the account opening documents from you father and review every single statement and form on file. Check if her name is on everything.

EDIT: You also need to open an account with another separate bank and transfer what remains to there.

OOP

thank you for voicing this out loud because this is exactly what i was thinking- my mom, like i said in the post, is a super powerful person, and has a relationship with this bank. a close relationship- but to be honest, she has a close relationship with every bank in town. when i walked in, everyone there knew i was her daughter. i just didn't want to put it in the post because i didn't want to dive into conspiracies. i'm going to do this ASAP, and hopefully try to get my dad to send me photos of the documents at the house. i am currently in the process of opening a new account with a different bank.

it's not the money that she necessarily wants, she just wants to hurt me. my mom still takes 50% of my dad's income for child support every month even though she makes so much (i'm not sure if it's more or less than my dad though). my aunt is constantly coming to me complaining that she won't give her any money even though she supposedly makes "a million dollars a week" or something like that. i have no idea how much my mom actually makes.

Comment

I would almost wonder if she caught wind of your new account, rushed to a branch and said she was a co-signer but got stuck in traffic. Since it’s a smaller bank they may be more trusting. Then she just waited her time and withdrew when she really needed it or after she saw it build up.

Who knows, just throwing out an idea. Sounds like you really need to get with a higher up branch manager and ask questions.

OOP

i'm a bit heartbroken right now because i agree with the second half of your statement. it is completely possible that my mom was a co-signer since the earlier days of me owning this account and she just watched my money build up until she could take it all away. i have no idea why i wouldn't have been alerted about this, but yeah. i need to see a branch manager.

Comment

Here’s what I would suggest.

A) how old were you when you opened the account? In most states you have to be 18 and in Alabama for some godforsaken reason you have to be 19, even for a SAVINGS account, so was it ever your sole account? It’s weird that no one would open an account for you, and then magically this bank would. That’s not usually how banks work. They have regulations to follow and “know your customer” obligations and require certain forms of ID for a reason. So it’s odd that this bank wouldn’t. Makes me wonder if they knew your mom and thought they were “doing you a favor” by taking your application in two steps (STILL NOT OK AND I WOUKD REPORT!!!!)

B) ask for a copy (or see if they are online) of all statements from the time of opening. If she was a joint owner, her name should have been on the statements from the beginning. If not, see when it appears.

C) ask for copies of ALL account opening documents and any document evidencing changing to account ownership or management. You want copies of account histories and notes including copies of all correspondence with account owners, including any notes/records of phone calls (you won’t get tapes) to which you are entitled under your account agreement and regulation. You want to show a) that she wasn’t with you when you signed the forms that day and/or b) that she was added much later

D) after you get all that, figure out if any when they let your mom wheedle her way in. Then you make a claim for a fraudulent transfer of funds under Reg E due to bank error/facilitation of fraud. Keep mentioning how the bank FACILITATED THE FRAUD. (But only if they did. Otherwise you look crazy)

E) if they stone wall you or push back, send the same complain with the evidence to their regulator. It’s small so it’s probably the FDIC, but why not copy and paste to the CFPB too just for fun.

OOP Response

A) i live in california and was 19 when i opened the account. and yes, it was always my sole account. i see how the valid form of ID thing is confusing! let me clarify. my mom withheld from me my birth certificate, passport, SSN, and other documents i can't think of right now. she did give me my driver's license though (thank god she did because i'd have been screwed worse). a lot of the banks i visited had the usual policy: primary ID and secondary ID. i did not have both. however, the bank i bank with, and this is on their official website, only requires your SSN number, your ID, and your address. B) i have paid attention to all of my statements since i've gotten them in the mail, and none of them had her name on them, that i REMEMBER. i don't have access to them right now due to me being out of town for school and my dad and step mom being on vacation. i'm going to try and see if i can fish them back up and see when they appeared. (and if they appear) C) will be sure to do this D) will be sure to do this too! lol E) thanks! i'll be sure to send to both.

Comment

to Post Above Just so you know, your birth certificate, passport, and social security card legally belong to you not your mother. By withholding them from you when you became an adult, she committed multiple crimes. You can also show up to her house with the cops to get your SS card and birth certificate because that is technically yours and she is committing a crime keeping them from you.

OOP Response

i was considering doing that a long time ago before i got everything replaced, however i was still raw at the time and didn’t want to stir the pot any further. i might do that now.

Comment

This is so close to a prior post on here, I credit AI with the story and theft.

OOP Response

i promise you this is happening to me real-time :( i don't even know how to use AI. can you link me to the prior post?? i'd love to read some of the comments to maybe gain further insight.

Comment Response

Of course the prior threads I have read over the years are numerous and I cannot. Because I grew up with parents who were not financially predatory, stories like yours are unbelievable. Your writing felt a certain way to me, honestly.

OOP Response

oh. that’s alright. i hope you have a good day

OOP Comment

my mom hires private investigators to know everything about my life and my dad's life. my dad has several properties in different places that she is always trying to repossess or take for herself. it's a long shot, but maybe this is how she knew? i don't even know what private investigators are capable of finding. i have no idea what banks she uses, but i'm fairly certain she uses chase. i wrote in a previous comment that my mom has close relationships with every local bank, however, as she's a very prominent businesswoman. if there's anything i can provide for more insight please let me know!

no, there was no abuse fortunately! i'd say it's just poor character on my mom's behalf. she's really greedy when it comes to money and would buy herself five pairs of designer boots while my siblings and i had holes in our clothes. we lived in a really big house in a really nice neighborhood so nobody would really think anything is out of place. anyways, that's just some stuff that kept me away from her. the reason i left in the first place was i was seeing a boy she didn't approve of so she sent me to boarding school for fifteen months and i left her house when i came back. it just always felt like she was trying to get rid of me since i was a problem. she's doing all of this now because i think she resents that i'm not struggling living with my dad. i'm very privileged and get by fine, but she just wants my dad and i to struggle. she's always asking for more and more money from my dad, not because she needs it, but she just wants to make my dad suffer. my parents had a messy divorce, if it wasn't obvious lol. i don't think i would ever file a restraining order but this might be grounds to do so. i'm just hesitant to take action because my siblings live with her (all underage) and i won't be able to contact them. she still keeps them away from me. i still love my mom and cry over her- i just wish she wouldn't do all this. i'd still talk to her, even, but she's making it hard. i just love her and don't want any of this to be real.

Comment

I can't help but to have a lot of questions irrelevant to the reason you posted. Namely, if your mother is powerful, why does she need to steal money from her son? And even more so, why would she take this kind of risk?

OOP Response to post above

hi! i'm actually her daughter. yes so growing up i never really understood or knew that my parents were wealthy. i went to private schools my whole life so everyone around me was raised in similar environments. she is powerful simply because of how wealthy she is. i didn't realize how wealthy we were until i went back to visit my private elementary school and saw that there was a plaque with my mom's name on it because she paid for the whole damn thing, her shiny white glass office vs. my dad's simple one, seeing her on TV sometimes, spontaneous trips to paris for some reason, etc.. i'm not going to say her occupation due to the fact it might be easy to find her if i say.

you might see either in the post or another comment (i can't remember as i write this) i explain that i left her house after she started treating me badly when she found out i was dating someone she didn't approve of (poor). year and a half of boarding school, still not getting along when i got back, and i ended up leaving to live with my dad. my mom and dad had a MESSY divorce, and she hates him. she resents me a lot for doing this when she was the one who raised me and took care of me, and she thinks that i just "follow the money" i guess. she stole from me because she wants me to struggle. she told my aunt before that she hopes i end up homeless on the streets and come crawling back to her just so she can turn me away. i didn't think she actually meant it though.

i was wondering why she would take this risk, as well. but to me, i don't think my mom really strikes unless she's legally protected. she has this big team of lawyers that are really scary who she used to try to get me in a room with to talk bad about my dad. i'd say she's taking this risk just because she found a legal loophole- which is why i feel pretty hopeless about getting my money back. yes, the bank explicitly stated her name when i asked who withdrew the money. honestly, i've been wanting to put her on blast for a very long time. she was involved with a huge nonprofit and always doing good stuff in the public eye, but i just can't believe she would act like this without me even provoking her. anyways, it's more about me in general. i don't really know how to work social media well and i'm afraid of it backfiring onto me, like you said. whew, sorry for the long response! i just wanted to include more details just in case.

UPDATE my mom stole 30k from my savings and i don’t know how it happened - 11/21/23 16 Days Later https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/s/BzsTJYcjSN

hi, all. this update may be super underwhelming because i found out this was all my fault and i feel so stupid right now.

so, i took ALL of your guys’ advice. first thing, i went and recovered my original physical documents from the bank at my dad’s house. it’s thanksgiving break right now so i was back in my hometown from school. i also looked at my original statements and saw that all of the accounts only had my name on them. this gave me so much hope that someone had screwed up and i could get my money back.

my dad took me to the bank with my cousin for moral support and i spoke to the guy that i had opened an account with a year and a half ago. what he told me made me feel like an idiot. my mom had opened a savings account back in 2011 where her and i were joint owners. every time i was paid money to my checking, i was depositing it into my savings account. it turns out i had only opened a checking account with that bank and i was the sole owner of that checking account, but the savings was owned by my mom and i. they told me unfortunately because of that nothing she did was illegal and i really couldn’t do anything to get my money back.

the reason why i didn’t question anything was when i logged into the mobile portal they have, both the checking and savings account showed up, making me think that i had opened both when i had gone to the bank to open my checking. i was depositing money into this savings account with both my mom and i on it this whole time and she was watching it build up so she could just take it all away.

i’m disappointed but there’s nothing i can really do. i’m just blaming myself a lot but like i said in the original post, i’m certainly not struggling with money and so i’m blessed in that way. my dad has been really caring and supportive during this, telling me that it wasn’t my fault and that she knew it was my money, so she shouldn’t have touched it. this is all just a learning lesson- i’m definitely not making this mistake again.

i think my dad blames himself for what happened because my mom became really bitter after their divorce. he offered to repay me all of the money on my mom’s behalf but i can’t take that from him. it’ll all come back eventually.

thank you all for such good advice on the last post. i’m really grateful. i think i’m just gonna take the loss on this one and choose to walk away.

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

I am NOT the OOP. OOP is u/throwRAli97

trigger warnings: >!creepy behavior, stalking, and manipulation!<

Original post: September 3, 2023

This is actually crazy and there's going to be lots of details so please bear with me.

My sister recently got married. It's been about 3 to 4 months. I didn't really see much of them after the wedding (honeymoon and then back to work).

But once a month our family all gets together and my parents host a huge feast. Since this took place a week ago, it was for the month of August.

During this dinner, my BIL was being extremely weird towards me. He was complimenting my body, ignoring my sister and just straight up acting so strange. It was completely unexpected for several reasons, one being his wife was sitting right next to me. 2 he has only been married a few months. Also, he's just never spoken to/about me like that before. I felt really uncomfortable and I'm sure it transpired to the rest of the room because wtf.

Except it was weird because nobody was pointing anything out. I was extremely confused and just wanted to leave. I left early but when I got home I just felt so icky. I don't even know how to describe it.

I decided to message my sister and let her know his behaviour made me uncomfortable. I told her that it was also concerning he felt comfortable enough to say these things of front of my parents and brother. I explained that if she didn't feel comfortable being in the middle I wouldn't mind explaining this to him myself.

His behaviour was so unnerving that I face timed my boyfriend who was away for work in the US. I told him it was weird and how suddenly my BIL's behaviour towards me went from that of siblings to this horribly uncomfortable situation. He was pissed, rightfully so.

My sister didn't respond to my texts until the next day. She asked to meet up so I did. I was expecting her to be upset and to have him apologise for what he said. Instead, she admits it was all a test and I passed.

I was confused to say the least. What did she mean by a test? Passed? Like what's going on.

Turns out, she had her husband do those things on purpose because she wanted to see how I would react if he had said those things to me and meant them. My reaction and choice to message her afterwards told her I could be trusted around him.

I was offended to say the least. Why would she think I couldn't be trusted? Well, let me tell you the, in my opinion, not very valid reason for this lack of trust.

My sister has been married before. She was 27 and the divorce was about 10 months into marriage. Her ex was a psycho to say the least. He had known me longer than he did my sister, I was the one who had introduced them.

They got along well and eventually started dating. It looked like the healthiest and most romantic relationship to grace planet earth. Except when they got married. During their marriage, I was staying with them because it was a closer commute to work. (They had extra bedrooms and I would pay rent and cook and clean for myself).

My underwear (bras and panties) would often go missing. It started off small. I just assumed it got mixed up in my sisters laundry and would turn up eventually. But it was happening more frequently to the point I was buying underwear almost weekly. I kept pressuring my sister to admit she was stealing my underwear and she was adamant it wasn't her. I decided to just ignore it and go about my day.

Something I hadn't even considered an option was the real reason. My (former) BIL was stealing my underwear. I don't know, nor did i want to know what he was doing with it when I found out. But I was so disgusted and confused. Someone I thought was my friend, was actually just a perv.

He admitted he had never really loved my sister and was just using her to get to me. I was just so creeped out and i pressed charges against him for his sickening behaviour. I was able to get a restraining order and my sister divorced him almost instantly after finding out.

She used something traumatic that happened to me and flipped it to make is seem like I'm the one who was untrustworthy. She claimed I must've strung him along for him to think like that and this test was just to prove I wasn't doing it again.

Safe to say I was extremely hurt and angry by her response so I told her to never speak or contact me again if that's what she really thought of me.

My family found out and for the most part agree her behaviour is crazy. But my mother stood by her actions and said my sister was just trying to protect herself from being hurt again. I told her if she had just been honest with me from the start, I wouldn't have been as bothered. There's a right way to approach things and a wrong way. This isn't just wrong, it's also crazy. Why is she so adamant it's my life goal to hurt her?

I didn't know that her ex was going to turn out like that so why am I being punished. She claimed I should've had some indication he liked me but he really made it seem like he was head over heels for my sister. How am I supposed to know what's going on in someone else's mind?

Anyway, the family dinner was earlier for this month as it was the most compatible date for everyone's schedules(yesterday). I told my parents to expect me not to show up if my sister and BIL were going. It wasn't even because I refused to ever speak to her again. I had just said that because the situation was so fresh, I told my mother I would apologise when I had cooled down a little. It was just difficult to face them when they made me feel like a horrible person for a situation that was out of my control.

My mother assured me my sister wouldn't attend so I agreed to come. When I arrived they were both there. It felt like an ambush and it sort of was. My sister demanded I apologise for my reaction because it was my own fault it happened in the first place.

I can't lie, I snapped. I told her she should remove my number and the title of being my sister if she really felt that way.

I just need advise because therapy isn't scheduled for another 2 weeks and I feel like I just dreamt a soap opera storyline.

I feel kind of bad because I do understand my sister had her trust broken completely by her ex, but I feel like that distrust shouldn't be aimed at me, but the person who actually caused it. And i was the one who introduced her to the ahole in the first place so I feel guilty for that already.

But I'm failing to see how her schemes to manipulate me into thinking she's being wronged by a husband once again, is just far too extreme.

1. I want to apologise to her for one reason, ever introducing that man to her.
2. I really need her to see that I wasn't trying anything when her ex was stealing my underwear. I was just as in the dark as her.

How do I go about doing the above because I want to put this behind me and move on. I was just about healing from her former marriage and now this one is also putting me in a very uncomfortable position. With my sister, my BIL and my own mother.

Any advise on how to tackle apologising, getting my sisters trust back, and showing her I truly just want the best for her?

PS: apologies for spelling/grammar mistakes. It's 2am and I usually sleep around 10pm. It's possible that parts of this won't make sense so I'm more than happy to try and make things easier to understand in the comments. I'm just so tired that my brain is working at >10% right now.

Relevant Comments

rasherwood What were your father and other family members doing during this charade? Why didn’t anyone speak up or have your back? Totally creepy!! You deserve to be treated better by everyone who was there.

OOP My dad wasn't pleased with what my BIL had said during the August dinner. Then when he found out the plan he forbade him from entering the family home again. My mother lied and said that he wasn't invited but they showed up anyway. Apparently he was livid and threatened to call the police if they didn't leave. I left after I said what I said so I don't know what happened. But my brother called me and told me everything that went down from when I left the August dinner and this months dinner.

My brother and dad are amazing and I'm going to update the post at some point to make sure everyone knows. (This sub reddit only allows you to make one update so I want to make it worth your while.) They've been so supportive and have tried to talk some sense into my mother (their words, not mine). I've not spoken to my mother in a few days which is so odd for me because I always call her at least once a day. And of course haven't spoken to my sister or her husband.

Frieddumplings Stop! You have absolutely NOTHING to apologise for. What they did to you was completely messed up. Who even comes up with these things? So this entire time she has this home-wrecking image of you? That's so hurtful. They owe YOU an apology.

OOP This is what hurts the most. She really thinks it's my life goal to cause her misery. It's so exhausting. I miss my sister from before all this shit happened. The one who loved and trusted me above anyone else.

Update post: September 6, 2023 (posted 3 days later)

Original post

A lot has happened the last couple of days. I have tried to read all the comments and take in everyone's advice. This has been the outcome.

I lost a sister and a mother in two days. It's heartbreaking more than anything. I had a meet up with everyone, my boyfriend came with me so I had support during the conversation.

Honestly it was hard to look at any of them for the way they treated me. I'm so thankful to everyone opening my eyes to the crazy behaviour exhibited in the first part of this story.

In front of everyone my mother admitted to knowing about the plans from the start. Sister confided in her and she agreed it was a good idea. She supported her son in law openly harassing her daughter. I'm in complete shock and it just hurts so much knowing she would condone this considering she knew how much I was affected by the first husband. She knew I was having a difficult time in therapy. It took me a long time to trust people again after that. And I feel like once again, my trust has been broken. I don't know how I'm ever going to trust anyone again.

I'm really thankful my boyfriend was there to comfort me because it was so hard keeping my composure around them.

My sister was not budging at all. She kept maintaining she was in the right. She said the only reason I wouldn't apologise is because deep down I knew what her ex was like. She said I just liked getting attention from him knowing he was married to my sister. She also claimed I overreacted and if it's acting then it's not harassment.

I told her she shouldn't expect any calls/texts or just not to be contacted by me until I receive the apology I deserve from both her and my BIL.

Speaking of, he was pretty silent throughout the whole thing. Probably because my father threatened his life if he spoke bad about me. He did say that the only reason he did it was to placate my sister because she kept accusing him of "ogling" me. But still no apology from him.

My mother, this one broke my heart the most. She told me I was over exaggerating and that I should be happy to have passed my sisters test. She actually said the words "we can all move on now". I was in complete awe tbh, how could she think that things would just go back to normal after this. I asked why she was supporting such delusional behaviour. She said it was because she loved my sister and wanted her to be happy. I asked her if she loved me as much as my sister.

She said yes, it seemed hesitant but I don't want to read too much into that. I told her I wanted an apology for her schemes. She refused so I gave her the same conditions I gave my sister and BIL. Until I get an apology I simply am not speaking to all three of them.

As a result I also probably have to go low contact with my brother and dad because they both live with my mother. I mean I'll hang out with them outside and without the presence of my mother. But if she'll let them is the question.

I know some of you have suggested spending time with my boyfriends family on holidays and occasions. (I think it was just ome person but, oh well.) I haven't met my boyfriends family before because they live in the US but after this situation I've taken 2 weeks paid holiday for the end of this month and he's taking me to meet them for the first time. I hope it goes well because they might be the only family I have now.

My therapy session has been moved to tomorrow because I requested an emergency appointment. Wish me luck.

Anyway, my biggest thanks goes to all you redditors for helping me see the situation for what it was. For your advice and compassion I'm really grateful. I don't think I would have been able to get through this on my own. It's likely I would have caved and apologised just for the pattern to repeat itself. Truly, thank you so much. Wishing you all the best and I hope you know that your advice might have just saved me from my need to always please others. I'll look back on this moment any time I feel like putting someone else's feelings above my own comfort.

Hope your hearts are filled with love and happiness,

Layla x

PS. Again, apologies for spelling/grammar mistakes. It's past my bedtime but I felt like I owed you all an update.

More relevant comments:

HyenaShot8896 I'm so sorry, but you did the right thing. I know it hurts, and it sucks, but this is the healthiest thing for you. Maybe some day they'll wake up, and realize what they've done, but if not at least you have toxic out of your life. I do want to ask what are your brother, and father's thoughts and feelings on this? Did they have anything to say in defense of you?

OOP My brother still lives with my parents so although he doesn't like what happened, he's just trying to keep out of my mother's way until he moves. My dad doesn't even want to be around my BIL ever again. I'm not sure how he feels about my mother's part in all of this tbh. Same with my sister but at the meeting he did say he was disappointed in her and said she should divorce BIL and move back home.

MarriedLife7 This is obviously not the perfect update but please enjoy your trip to the states.

This is the problem you will get in the future. If they do apologize to you are they doing so because of the ultimatum or not? Honestly I wouldn't trust your sister's apology ever and I would only accept your mother's if your brother and father vouched for her.

This is going to be rough so try finding different ways to communicate with your father and brother when you know your mother won't be around. Setup times for calls with the strict instructions that she isn't welcome to talk at this time.

You put the pressure on them to come visit. If your father refuses to visit you alone then you have additional answers. Also what does your extended family think of the situation?

OOP I haven't told anyone anything, I feel a bit embarrassed to tell anyone tbh. But none of my extended family members have mentioned anything to me so l don't think my mother or sister have really talked about it to anyone else.

Reminder: I am not the OOP.

I was revisiting some of my old posts and found a BORU I had put together. When I checked OOPs profile, there was a new update. See the original BORU: HERE

I am not the OP!! OOP is /u/SARAThrowaway34

TW: >!Sexual Assault, Emotional Manipulation, Cheating, Alcoholism, and Physical Assault!<

Mood Spoiler: >!Hopeful though initially just wtf disgust!<

Original Post: I [28/f] have spent the last five years believing my former best friend [29/m] tried to rape me. March 13, 2022

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So the title kinda says it all and this is a bit to unpack so sorry if the post is kind of long! The details all seem relevant though and I’m kind of rambling since a bomb was dropped on me today that I just don’t know how to handle and I need some advice.

Trigger warning: Sexual Assault

Five years ago, when I was 23, I had been working with a company that handled hospitality training and stuff like that, what we did really wasn’t important, but at that point I had been with the company for about three years already. “Mark” had gotten hired around the same time as I had and we did a lot of training and stuff together, got put in the same call center group, and all around just became extremely close friends that hung out after work since we lived close to each other and were both unattached.

To point out how close we had gotten, since we were both single, folks in the company and our department always made jokes that we needed to just say screw the company policies and start dating. We always laughed it off because at the end of the day we both had made it abundantly clear to each other that we only saw each other as friends, for what it’s worth I don’t remember how the conversation came up but it had and it was just a strictly platonic relationship.

So yeah, we were basically attached at the hip for about two and a half years when I met “Paul” (at the time 29/m and currently 34/m) and began dating him. Paul and Mark got along somewhat fine at first but a few months into dating Paul started to get upset if I said I was going to grab dinner with Mark after work (even if Paul was working at the time since he had his own long hours). For what it was worth, Mark seemed to understand where Paul was coming from and only grabbed dinner with me when I asked him, never prompting it himself.

Well on my 24th birthday I decided to throw a party at my apartment and when Paul flaked on helping me get supplies, Mark stepped in and helped, even going out and buying the lion’s share of the booze for the party. The party got going and Paul ended up showing up an hour after most of the others were there. After a few hours, most of the people started heading out leaving a few people sleeping in the living room because they were too drunk to drive and then Mark, Paul, and myself.

Mark insisted I go lay down since it was my birthday and he knew I was already pretty drunk myself so it wasn’t right for me to clean up after my own party. So I said good night to everyone and Paul helped me back to the room (like I said, I was pretty drunk and while I remember the night I also remember being very off my normal composure), he put me in bed on my side facing the wall and then left and i pretty quickly dozed off.

trigger warning now skip this next paragraph if you don’t want the gory details but it’s the only way I have been able to even sort of come to terms with all of it after my time in therapy.

The next thing I remember is loud music blaring in the room and feeling completely bound. I was still inebriated but as I tried to move around I could feel I was tied to the bed and could feel someone on top of me (I was laying on my stomach and there was a hand on the back of my head pushing it into the pillow so I couldn’t see anything and I could feel someone stumbling to try and pull my pajamas down) and shoving his hand up against me, someone was pounding at the door until I heard a loud crack and then Mark and Paul’s voices arguing.

The pressure pulled off my head and i could see the one of them pulling the other away but in the darkness I couldn’t tell who was doing what but there was a lot of screaming and crashing. A few minutes later Paul comes back in the room and unties me from the bed and just holds me, telling me Mark had been trying to rape me.

I wanted to file a police report but Paul convinced me not to since he had gotten there in time and “nothing had happened” which I should have taken as a red flag but I just didn’t at the time because I was so relieved that I had been saved. I took a few days off from work, blocked Mark on all social media (but not before he texted me trying to tell me that Paul had been the one to attack me and that he was the one that saved me.) I didn’t believe him because it had been Paul that came in and untied me though and if Paul had been trying then why would he do that? Plus we were dating and it just didn’t make any sense to me so I thought Mark had just snapped or something.

I ended up quitting from the company before my time off ended because I had been starting to look at advancement in my career and moving on so I just decided that was my sign and tried to run away from it all.

Paul and I kept dating for about 6 months after that until I caught him cheating on me with a lady from his office (maybe this should have been a bigger red flag to me too but I had been trying to distance myself from what had happened).

Then life just went on. I got comfortable in my new job, stayed away from getting too friendly with anyone from work and have never had a close guy friend again. Occasionally I’d see Mark at the grocery store or around town (like I said we had lived close to each other and neither of us moved and I never felt the need to since he kept his distance from me completely) and I thought I was mostly over what had happened half a decade ago until I get a notification a few hours ago that Paul had messaged me. I thought that was odd cause I had blocked him (he made a new account) but I opened the message up anyway because of curiosity.

I don’t want to share the whole message because there’s a lot of personal details in it so I’m going to just hit the important details. So according to him:

• Paul is an alcoholic and has been for years, even back when we first started dating he pretty much was always drinking something or looking for an excuse.

• He got fired from his job for showing up to work drunk and assaulting the receptionist by trying to force his tongue down her throat in the front lobby (at 9 am)

he was in court mandated AA and as part of his recovery he was trying to make amends with anyone he has wronged because of his habit.

And finally

• Mark never tried to rape me. It was him. He had been jealous of my friendship with Mark and saw an opportunity to get him out of the picture because of how “gullible” I was (his words).

I’m not going to lie, I threw up after reading the whole thing. He had so much detail behind all of it that I just felt sick to my stomach that he not only remembered everything (from how he had secretly put ties on my bed before I even went to sleep once he saw how drunk I was getting to how he “beat the shit out of Mark” and threatened to kill him if he went to the cops).

I know it’s not a healthy reaction but I’ve been drinking a bit since all of that message hit my inbox trying to decide what to do. I know I need to call my therapist to talk about all of this but my mind keeps going back to Mark and how betrayed he must have felt over it all. I even unblocked him on all my social media (he never blocked me so his profiles popped back up pretty quickly) and I’ve been trying to decide if I should message him or not.

I know logically that Paul should be the one messaging him as a part of his AA stuff but I’m also pretty sure that Mark did block him since Paul mentioned not being able to find him on social media (but he also might not have remembered Marks last name either so it might be hard to find him?)

So I guess my question is, should I message Mark? What would I even say? “Sorry I didn’t believe you when you said you didn’t try to rape me?”

TL;DR- Ex-BF was jealous of a close male friend and framed him for trying to rape me to get me to stop being friends with him.

Short Update/Edit: a close friend of mine answered her phone and is swinging by to spend the night with me here just so I have a shoulder to cry on because I could just use a good cry right now. I’m going to leave Mark alone for now while I get my thoughts in order but I’ll probably send him a message in a few days once I can talk to my therapist. I did put the wine away, it’s not helpful right now and I don’t want to make the wrong decision and message Mark strictly on a somewhat drunk impulse.

Some selected comments from OOP

commenter: *yes, you should message him because that has to be an open wound for him that never healed. if he came in to try to stop paul and ended up the bad guy when he was actually the good guy is a punch to the gut, and never being believed about it is a constant pain that never really goes away.

good luck. that paul guy ......... glad he isnt part of your life anymore. wow.*

OP- This is exactly why my mind has been going to Mark, because I feel so incredibly guilty. I’ve been sort of, I guess cyber stalking him a bit here and it seems like he’s had an ok life but I just feel like I owe him some sort of message now.

Commenter: All I'll say is that you shouldn't be surprised if Mark wants nothing to do with you after you tarnished his name and kind of his soul in a way. I'll bet that because of this there's more than a couple people that think of him as Mark the rapist, not just Mark. I hope you learned that you shouldn't believe the first story you're told when someone else's life is in the crosshairs of your poorly informed decisions. Y'all can get mad at that if you want but this isn't a time to coddle anybody's feelings to avoid speaking and uncomfortable truth. There can be two sides of an argument without anybody needing to go call their therapist because they got triggered over an ounce of opposition. I'm sorry any of this happened to you at all. That should have never happened. But what happened to him is even worse and at the end of the day you are the villain of his story.

OP- While I completely understand that might be Marks reaction and it is totally understandable if it is, I want to make it clear that I didn’t ever go around calling him that or outright telling anyone even though my first instinct was to file a police report. Paul had stopped me when I had brought it up and in hindsight it’s probably because the investigation might have revealed it was him but I never told the company I was quitting because of Mark or anything like that and only a handful of my close friends and my therapist even know of the assault. While that doesn’t stop gossip, which may be what you’re referring to, i didn’t actively go out on the streets screaming Mark was a rapist.

I’m also not saying I expect to it even want to be close friends with him again and maybe now this is just my own selfish guilt that is telling me I need to tell him, but as other commenters have mentioned and I am taking the advice of, it’s better for me to process this new information and talk to my therapist first.

Next Day Update

From OOPs user page

I went to bed last night after putting the wine away when my friend got here and woke up to so many comments and PMs that I can’t quite get back to everyone without being repetitive so I want to just answer a few common things I’ve been messaged or seen.

• In a comment I mentioned I have told a handful of friends. To be specific I told 3 plus my therapist. I didn’t have a whole lot of close friends back then and wasn’t a part of a big friend group either. That said, one of those three were here with me last night after I got ahold of her and she’s every bit as disgusted as pretty much everyone else. I can’t say for sure if any of them told anyone and honestly given the passing of time I wouldn’t expect them to have the same crystal clear image of who they might have told. But I do understand this might have spread without me knowing.

• I am looking into statute of limitations in reporting in my state here. From everything I have read over coffee this morning, I believe it hasn’t passed and as several have mentioned he literally gave me a written confession.

• As for how I didn’t realize Paul was an alcoholic? Well I don’t have a good answer for that. I’m going mostly based on his message that told me he was always drinking even back then. We weren’t living together and as I mentioned there were plenty of days that I didn’t see him vs. when I did and I don’t even know now if he was even working late all the times he told me he was.

I have texted my therapist and am waiting for a reply now. I’m hopeful she has some time this afternoon or tomorrow that I can speak with her but my friend is staying with me until I can speak with her just so that I don’t have to be alone right now and I can’t say just how much I appreciate it.

To those of you that have provided advice or shared your stories with me… thank you. Deeply from the bottom of my heart thank you. Last night when I received that message I was thrown for such a loop that I didn’t know where to begin or how to unpack it all given the time that had passed. Old wounds can be reopened so easily and this one was a scar that didn’t need much to make it pop.

Second Update: [Update] I [28/f] spent 5 years thinking my Ex-Best Friend [29/m] tried to rape me. March 22, 2022

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(OP Links to Original Post she made) for those of you who didn’t see my post when I first learned all the fucked up shit my ex-BF “Paul” did.

TL;DR My psycho ex was jealous of my friendship with a guy from work and he framed him for trying to rape me.

Now on to the update.

First off I want to thank everyone who messaged me to check up on me or to share their own stories with me. I truly appreciate each and every one of you.

I would like to start this off by first saying I haven’t gone back to the wine, though I did super desperately want to yesterday. I haven’t really been much if a drinker since that night 5 years ago and last week when I learned the disgusting truth about Paul.

To those if you hoping I would file a police report, I did. I spoke with my therapist at length the Monday following my post and she was shocked but extremely helpful in helping me process everything, and she spent some time last what should have been the end of our video appointment looking up the statute of limitation laws in my state (there are none for sex crimes!) and while she warned me that my report might just be added to a pile of other charges Paul could possibly have against him given that he was assigned court mandated AA. All the same, I filed the report with screenshots of his messages to me printed and attached. I’m not sure what to expect from that and at the end of the day I hope he has an absolute shit life if it goes nowhere.

Now, as for Mark.

My therapist was insistent that I at the very least write him something, whether it be a letter to mail him or a message on Facebook (he never reached out to me after I unblocked him but given what he thought I thought of him I think it’s understandable.) she, like many of you, pointed out that while he knew he was innocent, the thought of someone believing him capable of something monstrous like that could have weighed on him for all this time and even if his reception of my message wasn’t ideal, he deserved at least the closure that this knew turn of events could provide.

I took a few days writing and rewriting a message in notepad (I didn’t want to accidentally hit send before I had the wording right) and each time I sat down to write it I felt like I came up short even though the message just got longer and longer. Again I didn’t think just saying “oh guess what I learned Paul is an absolute psychopath last week, surprise!” Would have been super appropriate either but I wanted to find the right balance.

Here’s the message I ended up sending him:

Hi Mark, so this is a bit out of the blue and I really don’t know how to start this so I’m just going to put it out there. I’m sorry for not listening to you… Paul messaged me last week and revealed everything and I’m just… sorry. This isn’t easy to write and you deserve so much more than just an apology so long after the fact. There’s no excuse for me not giving you the benefit of the doubt other than I let myself be stupidly gaslight by a psychopathic maniac.

(Screenshot of his confession to me)

This is the message he sent me, it even confesses to an assault on you in the event that you’d like to press charges against him as I have already filed a police report for what he did to me. If you would like to talk about any of this at all, my inbox is open. If you want to tell me to fuck off… well I guess I understand that too… I’m not sure what I expect really because this has ripped open a wound I had been trying to heal and I’m sure this might cause you some distress but I felt you at the very least deserved to know.

I know I probably could have said more but any time I kept trying to write I felt like it was just me making excuses. I sent that to him this past Friday and I’m pretty sure he read it some time between Friday and Saturday as the “read” notification had been there when I checked Facebook again at lunch on Saturday (I had been out with my friend “Jenny” who had stayed over with me after I learned the truth and when I told her I had messaged Mark she wondered if he had responded so I checked.)

Last night at about 6PM my phone dinged and while I thought it might have been a text from Jenny or maybe my mom (I don’t really text or talk to a lot of people) I actually found that Mark had sent me a reply.

“I wish you would have listened to me back then, but I’m glad you know the truth.”

I thought that was all he was going to send me when the three dots kept going across the bottom of my screen. He was still typing when he sent me pictures as well. They were graphic and Paul’s assertion that he had beat the shit out of Mark did in fact also come with documented proof from him in the form of pictures.

Mark went on to explain that he filed an assault report the next day after my birthday but that the Police had warned him against accusing Paul of sexually assaulting me given the turn of events and my “don’t speak to me again” text I sent him when he tried to explain himself. Nothing had ever come of his police report and he wasn’t even sure why (neither am I but he intended to follow up once more today).

Mark is still very much the kind person I remember him being, and while I was bracing for him to hold a grudge against me, he instead just expressed his happiness that I finally knew the truth.

We exchanged small talk through chat for a little while but it was nowhere near the conversations we used to have. Mark is actually engaged to a girl he has been dating for about two years now. He had apparently never brought any of this up to her until she saw my name flash in his screen with the notification and asked who I was.

While some of you expressed concern that my friends had smeared his name, he apparently never heard anything of it. He actually still works for the same company we had both been at just now in a copywriting role for the marketing team so at the very least the lack of a police report from me or making a scene at work worked out in his favor there.

I asked if we could keep in touch, even if only with small talk and he said that he thought that would be okay, though he was a lot busier than he was back then between work and planning his wedding.

While I thought that was going to be the end of it, he messaged me a few hours ago to let me know he refiled his police report with the added messages I had sent him and that if I’d be open to it, he’d like to meet for coffee with his fiancée in tow and a friend of mine if I felt more comfortable doing it that way.

Not really sure if that’s an entirely good idea but I shot Jenny a text to see what she thinks and if she’d be open to coming with. She said it’s ultimately up to me what I decide to do and she’d be with me either way so yeah, that’s the update for those of you who have reached out and asked.

TL;DR Told Mark about Paul’s confession. He was happy to be finally absolved in my eyes and didn’t seem to hold a grudge against me. We might get coffee this weekend supervised by his fiancée and my friend.

OPs Story get's cataloged in a BORU Post and OP shows up in the comments.

OPs Comment

Hi everyone! Someone brought it to my attention that my posts had been compiled over here so I wanted to pop in and thank everyone that has reached out to me!

Mark and I are planning to meet for Coffee here this weekend with some added supervision (I think his Fiancée is curious of my intentions which is fair.) I have both apologized to him at this point but also as many of you pointed out, he deserved a giant thank you too. I know some of you are telling me to leave him alone, but he was the one to suggest the meeting and in all fairness I owe him at least a coffee (and much more truthfully.)

Words cannot stress how forgiving he has been over what has transpired and though I’m trying not to blame myself for believing the psychopath, it’s not as easy as just letting it go.

I knew making my post some would blame me, that’s just Reddit, but being able to put this out there has allowed me a sense of relief in some ways that just talking with my therapist didn’t fully accomplish.

Police reports have been filed against Paul and I do hope something comes from it. I know he’s in AA and some have messaged me saying I’m a monster for airing this out when he’s trying to “better” himself (seriously I got at least 5 DMs to that tune), but FUCK THAT! The shit he did to me does not get absolved just because he fessed up 5 years after the fact.

Final Update from OP My former gaslighting, psychopathic boyfriend is going to be behind bars! September 19, 2023

Posted to OPs User Page

I haven't opened this throwaway account in close to a year and a half and honestly never expected to come back to it after I aired out learning about the gaslighting monster that had attacked my over half a decade ago.

For anyone who wants more details, my profile has the posts logged and I'm really not trying to reshare and rehash it as I have gotten more than enough of that out of my therapy appointments.

The reason I'm posting is primarily out of joy. My attacker (Paul) had a slew of other court dates already when I had filed my case against him and I had started to lose hope that anything was going to happen since I was reporting an incident from over five years ago, but the court system in my state was stupidly overbooked and I just had to wait for things to take their natural course.

Over the last few months I started to get follow up calls from an investigator that was apparently going over the details of Paul's case. He was already facing some time in prison over a different assault charge (his time in AA had proven not to be effective even with "trying to make amends") and the prosecutor was looking to add my report of sexual assault to an overall criminal case against him, but it would require me to submit either a document to be provided as testimony, or to act as an in person witness.

Though I had received Paul's message, I hadn't interacted or seen him in person for well over 4 years and my therapist suggested I might get some closure over testifying against him in court.

This finally happened last week. It was hard, and I won't lie... I cried while I was on the stand, but it felt good.

The years hadn't been kind to Paul and while he certainly looked remorseful sitting in the courtroom, I could give two fucks about how this was going to affect him. I left after that and found out just this morning that between his various cases he's going to prison. I'm not sure how long, but I also know he is being added to the sex offender database which is another win as far as I'm concerned.

Other than that, life has been going pretty well. I've decided to throw myself into some new hobbies, another suggestion by my therapist, and have overall tried to just become the best version of myself as possible.

My old friend Mark, who had taken the blame for Paul's actions for so long, got married in the middle of last year and while he and his fiancee had offered me an invitation, I didn't feel like it was my place to attend. We hadn't been in contact for so long and I didn't want to have anyone asking me questions on why I was there when I didn't really have any other friends attending the event.

We message every so often but he's got his own life, and it's not my place to intrude on that, I'm just happy that Paul's bullshit never got to derail his life in any huge way outside of the obvious.

I'll probably never have reason to log back onto this account again, and really only did it today because I was just so overjoyed in hearing the results that it reminded me I had vented to you all so long ago now.

To everyone who has reached out to check in on me, thank you, I appreciate each and every one of you.

I am still not the OP

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/RedOat12 in r/advice

trigger warnings: >!betrayal, possible infidelity!<

mood spoilers: >!OOP seems like they'll be okay!<

**My Fiance left me at the altar ** - January 4, 2022

Yesterday was suppose to be one of the most happiest days of my life and it turned out to be the worst. My fiancé never showed up to the ceremony leaving me at the altar. His friends and family tried to get a hold of him but all calls went straight to voice-mail. After waiting an hour for him I told my guests that there wasn't going to be a wedding. I opened the reception hall and told them to enjoy the food and open bar, even if there was no ceremony, I still wanted them to have a good time and enjoy the food and drinks. I tried to call him a couple of times but after 3 more failed calls I just stopped and told everyone else who were trying to get a hold of him to stop. He made it clear he didn't want anyone to get a hold of him and I wasn't going to have them waste their time.

I didn't cry, I wasn't going to cry. At least not in front of everyone. His mother came to me and apologized through tears, she told me how disappointed she was in him and that she was so sorry. I just shook my head and stuck with her the entire time. I didn't want her to cry and feel bad for something that wasn't her fault.

The real MVPs were all my friends. They did their absolute best to keep things from being awkward and entertained everyone. They played music, danced and one of them went as far as going back home to bring a projector and a game system for all the kids and teens to play against each other with. I was glad that the day was somewhat saved but I still felt horrible. My would-be BIL Ethan kept me from getting shit faced when I really wanted to, told me that it would be awkward if I did so I did my best to keep everyone happy.

After 11 I told everyone who bought gifts to take them back and get their money back, a few of them refused and had me keep the gifts they got. So now I'm back at the hotel we got and I'm alone. This morning I got a couple of missed calls from my fiancé and several messages that I haven't opened yet. I'm so angry at him, he humiliated me yesterday by not showing up when he could've told me he was getting cold feet. I had my friend message him that I want to be left alone and that if he showed up to the hotel room I was going to call my brothers to have him removed. So far he hasn't shown up but I am getting phone calls from his friends probably all wanting me to speak to him. I don't know if it's me being shallow or not but now I'm rethinking our entire relationship and whether or not I see a future with him.

So another issue is that I have an extra plane ticket. It was supposed to be for our honeymoon but since the fiancé isn't here I decided to enjoy my little getaway vacation for myself. A couple of friends are coming with me but not for another week since they gotta get childcare, put vacation time etc so they can't come since it last second. To be honest I want to invite Ethan because I've never traveled anywhere in my life. I know he's been to where I'm going and I want him to come so he can be there to show us the places to be at. Ethan told me he'd go for me but should I invite him? I asked Ethan's mom and she was all for it but I still don't know if it'll cause drama. Any advice?  

Editor's note Some posters wonder if the fiancé was in a car accident or something, and people want to know what was in the messages he sent.

OOP's responses:

My MOH checked if there were any accidents in the area when he didn't show up. So far nothing but I'm sure his parents would've gotten a hold of me if he was in an accident and so far no.

If it was an emergency I'm sure his family would've gotten a hold of me. He sent me messages but I haven't read then yet. I'm going to wait until I'm out of state to read them.

A heavily downvoted comment:

Seems like Ethan genuinely cares about you (stopped you from drinking your hurt etc) and TBH who cares if it causes drama. He left you at the altar. His brother looked after you. Take the brother, if something happens then maybe it was meant to be. Don't force anything though because then it will be forever awkward.

OOP replied:

Yeah Ethan is a good guy and I doubt anything would happen between us. I've seen his ex-girlfriends and I'm nowhere near his type. We definitely keep each other's backs

OOP's responses to people advising against inviting Ethan:

Okay so don't invite Ethan, got it. Maybe I can ask Ethan's sister? I really don't know anything about traveling so I kinda want to ask someone who has a clue

LucyShoes2222

You need to talk to your fiance. He did a shitty, horrendous thing, but you still need to talk this through. Hiding from him is not going to help either of you. Have the tough conversation and make your decisions. Don't take his brother on your honeymoon, FFS. This isn't time for revenge or stupid decisions, this is your life. Talk this through like adults. Take the trip or get a refund or whatever. But you have to talk to him. You were going to spend the rest of your life with him, you owe it to yourself to at least speak to him and get closure.

OOP:

I'm most likely not going to take Ethan, I'm not trying to take revenge or anything I just don't know anything about traveling. I've never even been on a plane and I know Ethan has traveled before. And I will eventually talk to him after the honeymoon but right now no. Not after he embarrassed me in front of all our families and friends.

A deleted user:

OP. This is the moment where you figure out who you are outside your relationship. Your fiancé left you at the altar. There isn't a relationship to reconsider. It was over the moment he stood you up. Ethan is your ex's brother. I don't know why he stopped you from drinking, you should have done WTF you want. Ethan isn't going to be in your life anymore, him & his family aren't going to disown their brother/son for his ex.

Now travelling alone is THE BEST thing in the world. It's scary. At first. But once you get past that that's where the magic happens. Getting used to be alone. Getting comfortable with being alone. Falling in love with your own company. That moment when you wake up and think "what do I want to do today?" Maybe you don't have the answer. Maybe you realise it's the first time you've ever had the choice to do things purely for you. Not a friend or partners or families suggestion. Not you predicting what someone else would like to do.

You figuring yourself out. You learn about your own company. You had been preparing for a marriage a life with someone else. Now you're single. Use this trip as the first step in your new life where you put yourself first. Use this trip to cry and grieve for as long as you want. Use this trip as a chance to realise how strong you are. Go on this trip alone so when you return you don't feel scared about suddenly living life alone when you expected to be married. If you know that you can holiday alone than you know you can do anything. Including surviving this break-up.

And when you return book an appointment with a therapist. It was worrying that after your ex left you at the altar you still thought their was a relationship to reconsider. And you seem very dependent on what others think of you - like allowing Ethan to police your drinking when you wanted to get shit-faced and you were entitled to do that. Your ex-in-laws weren't thinking about you when they wanted you to stay dignified. It looks less bed for them if you never looked publicly heartbroken.

OOP replied:

This actually helped me. I use to tell everyone that I was independent but now you've made me realize that maybe I'm not as independent as I think I am. You're right, maybe this trip should be a trip to take alone. I didn't even think about that last part, I think maybe you're right. It probably would've embarrassed them if I did. I don't know now. If Gabby can't make it then I think I'll do what one person told me to do and switch my tickets for first class. If I can't then I'll just take that loss

OOP received general travel tips about what to expect at the airport etc Her reply:

Like honestly THANK YOU I needed to know that, at least someone to tell me what to expect I've never been to the airport before and I really mean it when I say I have no idea what to do. As lame as it sounds I'm going to screen shot this, this is the info I want.

From the bottom of my heart thank you. I now feel so much better

Deleted user:

I mean he left you at the altar I don't think your the only one rethinking the relationship but after that I would be pretty certain it was done. Take the trip (without your ex fiancé's family) and start your life over cause idk how one comes back from that.

OOP:

Oh man I didn't even think of it that way. So this means I gotta put on the big girl underwear and figure it out myself. I asked my brother's wife to come with me, she said if she can get someone to watch my nephew for a week tomorrow she'll come, I'm probably gonna beg my mom to watch him. It's a 3 week trip, I just want company so that I won't be alone for a week

Update posted to the same thread Okay so I feel like I should explain more about Ethan. First I'm not going to take him. Second, I've known Ethan a little longer than my ex-fiancé. Please believe me when I say he's a close friend of mine, both of us bonded by teasing his brother and with that we just kinda clicked and became fast friends. I wanted to take him because I didn't know how to use my ticket in the airport. I've never been traveling and I didn't want to look dumb by trying to figure it out. Thankfully, someone said what to do and I'm forever grateful so now I feel much more confident. I know it sounded iffy trying to take Ethan but honestly it was for something innocent. I see him more of a brother then anything now that I look at all the comments you guys left.

And finally I read my ex-fiance's messages. Yes, he's alive, he wasn't in any terrible accident and the reason he never showed up was because he found out he has a kid. His childhood sweet heart came by with a kid maybe a couple of weeks ago. His best man knew and never told me because my ex didn't want him to tell me until he was 100% percent sure and I guess he found out today. He apologized so many times for not showing up but he couldn't because he felt so guilty of what? I don't know. He said a large part of him wants to make things right and take care of his son because he's always wanted a family. So screw the last 3 years right? I don't know if that means he's going to go back to his ex because he wants to talk over the phone. Honestly, I'm done. I think it's an excuse to get back with his ex, I don't believe he's ever gotten over her and her over him which is why she chose now to show herself. He sent a picture of the kid to me and I went over ex-fiance's mom's fb to see any pictures she posted of ex-fiance when he was a kid. They're low quality but there is definitely a resemblance. It feels so surreal to me, like this one big joke. I feel like I'm missing more info, like there's something else going on but I'll find out later. I haven't responded so instead I'm just going to open a bottle of wine and just get plastered. My best friend is currently on her way with takeout and ice cream so I thought I'd share this.

Maybe after my much needed vacation I'll do another update but right now I'm just gonna do me.

Until then, fuck you Ben

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/justathrowaway282641

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes and her own page

Previous BoRU #1, BoRU #2, BoRU #3, BoRU #4

EDITOR’S NOTE: Removed all relevant comments from older posts to make space for new updates. To see all older comments, check out the previous BoRUs above

Please note that OOP's latest new updates were not on this sub

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

My family forgot to invite me to my grandparents funeral, but they are convinced I was there.

Trigger Warnings: >!death of loved ones, emotional manipulation, gaslighting, harassment!<

RECAP

Original Post: November 14, 2023

I’m 30s F and caused a major blowup in my family and now none of them are talking to me. For background, my hometown is tiny (500pop) and when I went 2 hrs away to “the city” (15,000pop) for college, I loved it. I ended up staying after graduation, got married, and am happy here for a decade. I visit my home town every few weeks or so, call/text my family near daily, and thought we were all good. My family’s pretty small. Just my brother, mom, step dad, dad, step mom, and an aunt and uncle (mom’s siblings, never married, no kids). My mother's grandparents moved to my home town when I was in high school and were just down the street from us. My family has always been pretty drama free (aside from my parent’s divorce when I was a kid) and we’ve been happy. The step-parents were blended in perfectly and we share holidays and celebrations together. We’re all super close and just the perfect little group.

Ever since I moved away, the topic of “when am I moving back?” is constant, and I’ve always laughed it off. My home town has nothing. You have to drive 30 minutes for milk and bread. 60-90 minute one-way commutes to work. And floods shut down the main road every Easter. I love the town, but I love here more. I have parks, stores, community events, a library! The “city” is great. My family grumbles that I need to move back, but I refuse. I've been trying to encourage them to come here, especially since it's not an hour drive to the nearest medical facility.

Now to the meat and potatoes: both my grandparents passed over COVID times. They were both old and their health had been failing for a while so it was only a matter of time. Thankfully they didn’t catch it, but it made visiting them impossible and we survived mostly through FaceTime. They both passed in their sleep months apart. Both were cremated and kept securely under the kitchen sink for safe keeping while the pandemic blew over. That was 2021.

Well, I just found out my family held a funeral for them and scattered the ashes in my uncle’s maple grove over the summer. No one said a word to me about it. I’ve visited numerous times before and after and not one word. I only found out because my great uncle from California posted on Facebook a few weeks ago that he is entering hospice and was so thankful his health stayed strong enough for him to see his little sister (my grandma) to her final resting place. I was confused and called my mom. She was all “Yeah, the funeral we had in July, remember?” Ya’ll, I visited them for the 4th of July. They did the funeral the 8th. Not a word about it to me. They had planned this for months. Long enough to arrange for my infirm great uncle to be brought over from the other side of the country. Apparently, they talked about it “all the time”.

Everyone is convinced I was at the funeral. They SWEAR I was there. I can prove I wasn’t because Google’s got my location history. My hubby is baffled because he was supposedly there, too, but he had to work every weekend in June and July. Time clock doesn’t lie. My family straight up forgot about me. I’m hurt. I’m sad. And they’re pissed at me “for lying”. They think I’m causing drama over nothing. Nothing I say can convince them I wasn’t there. My family is united in this. And they’ve all put me “on read” until I admit I’m wrong. They think I’ve gone nuts. Either there’s a doppelganger of me attending events, or my family doesn’t want to admit they screwed up. I’m not backing down.

Thanksgiving is coming up, and my family’s been vague posting on Facebook about “forgetful kids” and mental health. It’s so freaking weird and I don’t know if I’m in bizzaro world or what’s going on. My mom’s best friend reached out and said I should just admit I was wrong and apologize, that I’m causing my mom so much unnecessary stress. I asked her if she’s checked everyone’s home for CO2. She hung up on me. (We checked our CO2, and our testers are running just fine.) I have reached out to a few people in my home town to check in on my folks, and they all say they're fine. I even spoke with the local volunteer fire fighter group to see if they could check for gas leaks. Not sure if they were able to.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve shown them the proof I wasn’t there, but they know I’m tech savvy and just assume I’ve Photoshopped it. Hubby says we need a break, and we’re going to be staying home this holiday season.

Edit: I don't know the update rules, so I'll post updates to my profile should anyone want them.

Update #1: November 27, 2023

Not sure how to do updates on posts, so figured I'd post anything on my profile. Folks have private messaged me and this will be easier I think?

It's 11/27 and Thanksgiving just happened. Hubby and I stayed home. We got a small turkey and made our own little thanksgiving. It was nice. We ate around noon, then watched a movie, and later sat outside with a bottle of wine to watch the sun set behind the trees and neighbor houses.

We usually take the day before off, drive to my folks, stay the night, and help with the Thanksgiving Day cooking. So it wasn't until Wednesday night that my mom broke the silence. Mom called and asked when I was showing up, and I told her we were staying home this year, but for them to have a happy Thanksgiving, and to give the rest of the family my love. She was quiet for a long time after I said that, and I think she eventually mumbled an "okay", or something, and hung up. It wasn't an angry hang up. Just a hang up. On Thanksgiving day, I sent a group "Happy Thanksgiving!" gif to our family group chat. I received a few "happy Thanksgiving"'s back. No one's said anything else. There's been no posts on Facebook.

Update #2: December 12, 2023

So, I think I mentioned in one of my comments that my dad and I usually talk on the phone every Sunday morning. We're both early risers so we'd chat over our morning coffees and watch the sunrise. Him and I haven't really spoken since this all went down and it's been tough. I'm used to talking to him, you know?

Well, I was sitting outside in my usual spot, watching the sun rise and freezing my butt off, and he called me. I'm not entirely sure how to describe the emotions I felt. It was a mix of panic, hope, terror, happiness, and dread. I ended up answering because I just had to know what he wanted. It was an awkward conversation. He didn't address the current "drama", but instead tiptoed around the situation with all the grace of an cow on stilts. For instance, a simple "How are you doing?" Type question was answered with a "Not good." And the whole conversation would stall out for a bit because he knew why I wasn't doing well. So we ended up talking about the weather, the various winter birds we'd seen in our feeders, and the Christmas decorations around town. Things like that.

Eventually he asked if we were coming out for Christmas, and sounded sad when I told him we weren't. He asked if him and step mom could come visit us instead, and I told him it wasn't a good idea this year. That hubby and I were going to spend a quiet holiday together. I let him know he should be receiving some gifts at his PO Box any day now, so to please pick them up from the post office and put them under the family tree for everyone. He said he'd ship ours to us as well.

And that was pretty much it. No crazy drama to report. The only posts on Facebook have been the usual Christmas excitement ones, countdowns, photos of Santa, silly gift ideas, photos of company Christmas parties.

On a personal note: Hubby and I are doing alright. Our health is good, our spirits high, and we're as solid as ever. We each got Christmas bonus' at our jobs, so we're excited about that. They're not large, but we're happy to have them. We have also done advent calendars for the first time ever. I got him a Lego one, and he got me a hot chocolate one. We're going to do the calendars again next year. Maybe make a tradition out of it.

Everyone please have a safe and happy holidays.

Inheritance: December 16, 2023

I've received a lot - A LOT - of messages and private DMs urging me to check into inheritance and such. I'm really touched a lot of Internet strangers are worried about me and I wanted to ensure everyone that inheritance is most likely not an issue here. I'd almost be relieved if it was, because then it would at least make some sense. Money does weird things to people, you know?

No one in my family is wealthy by any means. After my grandparents' passed, their small estate was used to pay for their end of life expenses and remaining assets split up. Everyone directly related got an equal split (so excluded my dad and the step parents). I don't remember the exact amount I received, but it was around $5k if I recall. My brother gave me his share, too, so I could finish paying off my college debt while the interest freeze was active.

The great uncle from California has kids and grand kids, and great grandkids of his own, and also isn't wealthy. I think one of his kids makes good money doing something in finance, but I'm not entirely sure. I can't imagine he left us anything, as we hardly knew him. My mom, aunt, and uncle only met him a few times in their lives, and my brother and I even less. Grandma and him were close, but I don't think he liked my grandpa much.

Christmas: December 25, 2023

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. I've received a lot of support through my posts and I'm really grateful. Writing these updates have had a therapeutic effect.

Yesterday was Sunday, but I didn't answer my dad when he called. I just really didn't feel up to a pointless chat, so let it go to voicemail. He tried to reach me a few times throughout the day, but I didn't answer.

Our bestie last minute invited us over to his house for Christmas day lunch (today), so husband and I were busy all Christmas Eve making cookies, peanut brittle, and homemade suckers/hard candies for his kids. Mom tried to reach out as well, but I also ignored her calls.

We had a BLAST at lunch! Our friend's kids are a lot of fun to be around. They got some techy presents from their grandparents (Quest vr headset and steam decks, lucky little rascals) Friend and his wife aren't good with tech, while hubby and I are, so we helped get them set up while our friend played a good host to his folks and inlaws. The grandparents didn't realize that a Steam deck required a Steam account, so we got the kids all their own accounts set up, added them to our steam friends lists, and gifted them some games. We also bought them a few VR games for their headset, and they were off to the races with Beat Saber in no time.

As for my folks: My brother texted and asked if we could talk sometime tomorrow. I think me ignoring mom and dad has caused some kind of upset. Which they deserve.

Brother’s call: December 26, 2023

Spoke with my brother over the phone this morning.

For starters, he apologized for everything. Him and I are good (for now). For a bit of background, my brother and I are only 2 years apart. There weren't a lot of kids around growing up, so the two of us were often stuck doing stuff together. So we have a lot of shared interests and passions. He's been pretty silent on this whole matter, but still "part of the group", if you know what I mean. I think the thought of losing him out of my life was probably the most painful, because he's always been there. He was my rock until I met my husband. He's definitely a Mama's boy, though, so anything mom wanted, he made sure she got. I'm happy to have him back.

Without further ado, here's the story from the horse's mouth:

Mom apparently had a cancer scare late last year (which no one told me about, go figure), and dad had a stint put in his heart back in January (which I did know about). This "sense of mortality" has apparently lit a fire under Mom's ass to get me back home. But since I wasn't reacting to her passive aggressive hinting, she and step mom decided to go full crazy. My great uncle's health was bad, and he'd been asking about funeral arrangements for his sister (my grandma) for a while, so the moms decided to plan it. And use the event as a giant middle finger to me. They kept all the planning pretty hush-hush between the two of them, so no one on our side of the family actually knew about the funeral until like 2 weeks before. The moms said they'd invited hubby and I. No one thought anything about it. No one thought to mention, confirm, or check with me.

The plan was to scatter the ashes, say a few words, and maybe head to town for lunch. It was a small affair. The mom's didn't even tell the family that our great uncle was coming for it. Like I said, it was a small thing. Barely a footnote. No one thought it was odd because we're pretty chill people.

4th of July happens. Hubby and I are out. No one thought to mention it, as we were all busy celebrating and having a great time. Any time the topic of "this weekend" would start, the conversation would be quickly shifted by one of the moms. We went back home.

8th of July happens. Great uncle rolls into town with a few of his kids, grandkids, and great grandkids, and it's a surprise to everyone (but the moms). Everyone drives to the maple grove and the moms have brought a ton of food and stuff. It's a full blown party. No one on my side noticed I wasn't there, because there were so many extra faces outside the usual group. They did the spreading of the ashes, they said their words, they ate, they had a great time. It wasn't until our great uncle left, and all his side left with him, that they realized I wasn't there. And hadn't been there.

And this is where the crazy went up a notch. My brother says the moms were happy no one noticed I wasn't there. And that this was proof to everyone that I needed to move back because I was so easily forgotten about. Because none of them thought to reach out, right? They basically did a ton of guilt tripping manipulation bullshit and it made everyone upset at me for not showing up. Somehow it was my fault for being excluded. So suddenly everyone was on their side with "sticking it to me".

But then a few months went by, and tempers cooled, and then I guess the horror of it set in. Followed by the shame, but by then they were "in too deep". How do you undo something like this? And since I hadn't brought it up, I guess they figured they would all just stay quiet about it and hope I never asked about a funeral.

That's when I discovered the situation from my great uncle's Facebook and called my mom, who panicked and went with the stupidest solution. Claiming I was there. Don't I remember?

I ended up talking with a few friends from high school, mentioning the situation, and word got back to those in town. So suddenly town gossip and little old church ladies got involved. Was I, or wasn't I at the funeral? Did my family forget to invite me to the funeral of the only grandparents I'd ever know? Or am I just causing a ruckus? My brother said they all just went with mom's answer. Of course they wouldn't forget me. Of course I was there. Of course they're good people. And it just snowballed.

The family expected me to eventually fold. I'm usually a nonconfrontational person, so me sticking to my guns was unexpected. And then I missed Thanksgiving. And now Christmas. With no sign of backing down. And I guess the realization that I could just stop being part of their lives is setting in and my parents are panicking. He's tried just getting them to apologize and explain, but stubbornness prevails. They want to rug sweep, but I'm not letting them.

My brother is upset with everything that's happened. He's realized just how crappy it all has been and he wants nothing to do with it anymore. But since he lives with my mom, he can't "get away from it".

He has asked if he can come stay with us for a little bit. I spoke with hubby, and he's in agreement with me that my brother can come crash in our spare bedroom for as long as he wants. Brother works remotely, so it's no trouble for him to pick up and go. I believe he's making the trip today or tomorrow. Not entirely sure, but I expect crap to hit the fan when he arrives.

On a side note, hubby's stoked that my brother and I made up. The two usually game together, but haven't due to "the situation". He's downstairs right now setting up his man cave in preparation for my brother's arrival. I'm happy to see him so excited.

Brother's Here: December 27, 2023

My brother rolled in late last night. He'd obviously been crying and when I opened the door, he just held me and sobbed. I'd never seen him like that before and soon both of us were just standing in the doorway crying into one another. He kept apologizing. Over and over again. Said he wasn't sure why he went with it. Just kept saying sorry. Hubby got him all set up in the spare bedroom while brother and I talked. My brother's a wreck. He's always been a big guy, but he's lost a lot of weight and his clothes just hang off him. If I didn't know better, I'd think he was on drugs. We talked for a little bit before bed and he re-explained everything for my husband. I'd told hubby the story, but it was just so weird that hearing it again helped.

This morning my brother was up at dawn making some coffee and getting his work day going. Hubby's off all week (lucky) so hubby made us working folk some pancakes and bacon. So far everything's peaceful. We've decided not to answer any calls from our family. They've been made aware that he arrived safely, and that we are going to spend the New Years together, and that we're not answering any calls until January 1st. They may text if they wish. I'm sure they're losing their minds. Serves them right.

Everyone, have a safe and happy new years! Don't drink and drive!

Happy 2024!: January 2, 2024

I hope everyone has a safe and enjoyable holidays, and may the new year be full of joy and happiness!

Not too much of an update. Things here have been quiet. My brother's settled in nicely and he's a great housemate. Our place isn't very big, but we have full basement and a nice outside patio/porch area so it doesn't feel crowded at all with the extra addition. He's a quiet and clean guy. No hassle at all. He got some fresh clothes from the Walmart, a haircut, and trimmed his beard, so he's more "presentable" now. He's a lady killer when he gets cleaned up. He's made nice with the (very nosy, but kind) retired couple next door and is adapting to "city living" nicely.

Folks back home have been mostly well behaved. There's been a few texts back and forth, as we're not answering calls. Mom mainly wants to know when brother's coming back, but he's keen on staying here for a while. Mom said I can't "keep him" and I told her he's a grown ass man and can do what he wants. Brother says he has her blocked after she ORDERED him to return home.

Brother has tentatively asked if he could stay long term, should he decide to, or at least longer than a usual visitor would stay. Which we're fine with. He has a good paying job and could afford an apartment, but he's never lived on his own and I would guess he has some anxiety about it. Should that be the case, he'll start paying us some rent and we'd probably adjust to give him the basement as his own space.

Had to change the locks: January 17, 2024

My brother is officially staying with us for the long haul. Hubby and him spent all Sunday organizing the basement and shifting things around so he now has his own area to be comfortable in. He's pretty handy and has also started fixing little things around our house. Our windows and doors have never closed and locked/unlocked smoother. He even fixed one of the closets we never use because we can never get the darn door open. Sadly, he also had to change the locks on our house and get us all new keys.

This is because while hubby and I were out this Saturday, the moms showed up. They'd been calling and texting us all week, but we weren't really answering them, so I guess the two decided to drive over and hash it out in person. They have emergency keys to my place, and just let themselves in. Brother told them to leave, they argued, and my nosy (but kind) neighbors called the police when they noticed the commotion. So, we get a call from neighbor's wife, return home to some cops in our yard, all the neighbors out "vacuuming their trees", and my nosy (but kind) neighbors standing on my porch with my brother behind them, doing their best Gandalf "You shall not pass" impression.

Had to talk with the cops, explain that we were having a family dispute and word vomited. I don't really remember what all I said, and was shaking a lot. Our local cops are really great. Fantastic guys and gals in blue, and took it all in stride. It's really cold here, so one had me join him in his cruiser with the heat on, and gave me a bottle of water to calm down while we talked. They asked if we wanted the moms trespassed but I wasn't sure if that counted as a criminal charge so just asked the cops if they could just make them leave, which the cops did with no fuss. I think the moms were shocked we were taking this so seriously. They didn't fight or scream at us. Just left quietly.

My dad promised me he'd make sure his wife left us alone. "Or else". He said he'd also have a stern talk with my mom. Him and I talked Sunday morning, and he seemed absolutely at the end of his rope. Husband jokingly told my dad he could move in, too. To which he declined.

Not sure where to go from here, but we're getting some ring cameras installed once they arrive. And everyone but my dad is blocked. Hopefully they all just leave us alone.

----NEW UPDATE----

Nothing New To Report: February 2, 2024

Had a lot of DMs for updates, but don't have much anything to report on. The moms are behaving themselves. All's quiet on the western front. Felt weird ignoring or copy/pasting "no updates" to everyone, so here's what we've been doing, should anyone care.

Dad got a new bird/squirrel feeder from Amazon (looks like a little picnic table for a child's dolly but has a mesh top for the bird seed. I think it's supposed to be for chickens?) It's totes adorbs. To his horror, it also works as a Cooper hawk feeder, so now he's "fortifying his defenses" and putting up some trellises around it. He'll have to wait till warmer weather before planting anything to grow on them.

We had some ring cameras installed and put in a motion-activated camera that double functions as a light bulb. It goes in the light fixture outside the front door and is pretty cool. Video quality isn't all that great, but it's a nice addition I guess. It does overlook the bird feeders, so I've been watching it on my lunch breaks on the days I have to go into the office.

Hubby and brother are feuding. They started a coop farm in Stardew Valley a few days ago and they both want to romance Leah. My husband confided in me that he's also been romancing Sebastian as a backup. I'm not sure why he's keeping this a secret, but he's pretty smug about it.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

fractal_frog I hope your dad can outsmart the hawks!

OOP: He'll be able to, I just know it. He's used to dealing with the wildlife and having hawks about, but he just wasn't expecting one to snag a meal right from his new feeder.

I told him it was "technically" still a bird feeder. Just....for bigger birds. Which he thought was funny. He said he might make a little "no hawks allowed" sign to put up next to it.

MissOP: keep the updates coming. the moms are so close to folding it's just a little bit more. LMAO also, the bro mance between your husband and brother is so cute. lol Honestly, I think your husband making sure he has a side piece of Sebastian is absolutely the play.

OOP: So far still no word from the moms, but I hope you're right. I would love an apology and for us to begin moving past this. But I NEED that apology. I feel selfish saying that, but I refuse to "be the bigger person" on this. I just won't.

As for my brother and husband, yeah, they're basically soul mates. The two hit it off immediately when they first met, and they've been thick as thieves for years.

Update: February 27, 2024

My dad came out for a visit over the weekend. We had a good time and the weather was lovely for some grilling and beers. It was really nice to see him again and he seemed healthy and in good spirits.

Here's his report from back home: Step mom (dad's wife) has started to realize she's screwed up. I credit her change of mindset to the fact that my dad sat her down and laid it out for her: she leaves his kids alone, or she's getting divorce papers. That apparently shut her up right quick, because they had a prenup done when they married and I'm not sure the details of it, but it wouldn't end favorably for her. She hasn't worked in years, so I imagine she'd be eligible for alimony? But I'm not versed in any of that legal mumbojumbo. Dad didn't seem too worried about it, so I'm not gonna worry about it.

Step dad was pissed the police were involved in the last "mom visit" (despite no one getting arrested or anything) and was in a "the kids are out of control and need to be reigned back in" mindset. When my dad pointed out that "the kids" in question were all in their mid-30s, it took some of the steam out of stepdad's sails. According to my dad, even my mom looked a little surprised when he said that. So, part of me is wondering if a good chunk of this whole thing is my mom not truly realizing that her kids were grown, and no longer children she could make demands of. Both of the moms have left us alone. I expected my mom to continue to kick up a fuss, but I think the cops spooked her.

There was a wonderful suggestion by a comment or to get their pastor involved, which I passed along to my dad. Dad has since spoken to their pastor about everything. He's a young guy, relatively new to their church, and joked that his first month on the job he had to do 3 funerals in a row and his new "flock" were just dying to get away from him, so he's got a sense of humor which is nice. The new pastor agreed to sit down with everyone and help the family hash it all out in a true "Come to Jesus" type moment next month, so that maybe we could celebrate Easter together as our first holiday as a family. Dad said the pastor was aware our family was having some troubles, but unsure of exactly what was going on, and since he was new, the pastor didn't want to pry. He has also agreed to do a small service down at my uncle's maple grove later in the summer, as it usually floods and is a muddy mess all spring. According to my dad, my aunt and uncle are so over all the drama and just ready to move on, so I expect hugs and apologies from them when we next meet.

Stardew Valley Update: My brother was victorious in the grand fight for Leah. It was a hard battle. Well fought. When my husband exposed his plans to woo Sebastian all this time, it was quite the betrayal. Dramatics aside, their farm is really cute and I'm so happy they're enjoying the game!

RELEVANT COMMENT

Ok-Meeting-8588: That sounds nice, and I hope this does get resolved peacefully. Just make sure the pastor doesn’t try to use the whole “mistakes were made on both ends so everyone needs to apologize because everyone equally messed up.” You did nothing wrong and you don’t owe anyone any apologies.

OOP: Oh, I definitely plan on it. Dad's confirmed that we did nothing wrong, that we were done dirty, and I think he passed that on to the pastor. Though, I am expecting some "turn the other cheek" talk, which is to be expected.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Throw-awa-y109

AITA for refusing to wear my SIL's wedding dress to my wedding?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Thanks to u/seewhathappens53 for suggesting this BoRU & u/MzQueen for finding the update

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Controlling behavior, invasive behavior, manipulation, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, mysogyny, wishing for miscarriages!<

Original Post  Aug 21, 2023

I (23F) am getting married to my fiance (24M) in a month. He has an identical twin brother with whom he's keeping a bit of a distance with cause of his past possessive behavior of wanting to share everything with each other, from interests, hobbies and even friends. His brother got eloped to his wife (27F) and even suggested to my fiance to do the same on the same day as him, but of course he shut that down quickly as we both agreed on having a wedding already. However, I ended up being contacted by my fiance's brother requesting me to wear his wife's wedding dress from their elopement to my wedding, which I obviously turned down, telling him that I've already got a specific wedding dress on my mind.

He dropped the subject and for 2 weeks I didn't hear about it again, so I thought that was the end of it, but yesterday my fiance's brother and his wife showed up at our house (uninvited may I add), got up SIL's wedding dress and then literally asked me to try out right here and that they'd make adjustments if the size doesn't fit. Thank God my husband stepped in and kicked them both out of our house, even tho it did end up with a really big argument between my fiance and his brother. I got contacted again later on by my BIL who said that my inability to make any compromises in order for his and his brother's wedding experiences to be intertwined is straining their relationship.

Honestly at this point I'm just getting the creeps from BIL and my gut's telling me that him and SIL may attempt to sabotage our wedding out of revenge and even my husband's agrees with the sentiment. We're now strongly considering to uninvite both my BIL and SIL from our wedding, but my husband's still a bit reluctant to do it yet cause of the inevitable drama it'll cause with his family.

AITA ?

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Proud_Ad_8830

I’m imagining SIL showing up to wedding in her wedding dress wanting pictures with the groom

OOP

Ngl my SIL showing up in her wedding dress to my wedding is one of the things I fear may happen, especially after she made a comment about her dress looking too good to be used only once ...

~

Seriously-Currency108

NTA.  Your fiancé and BIL are not 5 anymore where they have to wear matching outfits and share toys.  This is you and your fiance's wedding, not your BIL and SIL.  They had their day.  You have yours the way you both want without your BIL inserting himself.

BTW.. what is your MIL stance on all this?

OOP

According  to my fiance, their mom always found it adorable how his brother wanted to share and do everything together with him when they were children and I don't think that stance from her has changed. Especially cause my fiance is sure she'll completely object to him uninviting his brother from his wedding if it gets there.

~

Good_Ad6336

Compromises? What compromises? Your wedding is between you and your future husband. Your BIL is delusional for thinking he has a say in your wedding.

NTA

OOP

He wants my fiance to have a similar "wedding experience" as him at any cost, he even tried to guilt trip us about the dress thing by saying that he already accepted we want a wedding instead of eloping like them, his entitlement is honestly getting out of hand at this point.

ActivePerspective475

What do their parents think of this whole thing? This sounds so bizarre!!!

OOP

My fiance told me that whenever he brought it up to his parents how some of his brother's behavior makes him uncomfortable when they were teens they just told him that it's normal for twins to want to be close to each other and that he should be glad his brother loves him so much, so for them this is just normal "twins behavior".

Update  Aug 23, 2023

Ok, so a lot has happened in these past 2 days. So to summarize:

Me and my fiance decided to uninvite BIL and SIL from our wedding. Neither me or my fiance trust them not to cause a scene at the wedding and my fiance already had a very strained relationship with his twin brother, including recent conflicts that include his brother trying to convince him to cancel our wedding and instead have us elope on the same day as him and his wife and my fiance not having his twin the best man at his wedding.

We told the fiance's parents about this incident and it was a mixed bag. On one hand they'd agreed with us that my fiance's brother went too far with this whole twin thing this time, but they also begged my fiance not to disinvite his twin brother from his wedding as it would irreversibly destroy their relationship and that they could talk to him to tone down his behavior, however my fiance told them that he was tired of always having to keep the peace and that inviting his brother to our wedding would only cause him unnecessary stress while not fixing any of their actual issues, so he's gonna keep his distance from him from now on. He also told his parents that we're gonna hire security at our wedding and to not try to help BIL and SIL sneak in otherwise they'd also have to escort them as well.

My fiance's mom literally threw a tantrum over this decision and outright blamed me for trying to break up their twin relationship, thankfully my fiance stood up for me and told her that his brother is the only one responsible for breaking up any relationship and that if she keeps talking to me like that she'll be free to join him and his wife on the blacklist of the security guard from our wedding. Surprisingly my fiance's dad actually took our side and scolded his mom as well and both of them managed to get her to apologize to me and accept my fiance's decision (however it's safe to say I'm not her favorite person anymore).

Today I received a new message from my future BIL and ... it wasn't pretty. Idk if I can even share everything here, but he sent me a long text message where he called me, among other things, a worthless sl@t and that he'll pray each day that my future children with his brother will be miscarried. I showed my fiance his text and he was absolutely enraged. He immediately called his brother and that convo ... it wasn't pretty either, but this time it was from my fiance's side. He called his brother names, curses and threatened to call the police on him if he ever dares to contact him or me in any way, shape of form, all while I could clearly hear his brother sobbing on the phone. Both of us ended up blocking him on all social medias (not before taking screenshots of the message to have proof for the police in case it gets there) and now my fiance is planning to change our locks and even install cameras (we never gave his brother a key, but my fiance doesn't want to risk it regardless). We also blocked SIL after she made some comments on my social medias where she also called me a sl@t whose only purpose in life is to break up families.

We talk with my fiance's parents about these comments and while his father said he'll try to convince BIL to get into therapy (as he finally seems to recognize his behavior as unhinged), his mother said that she thinks it was just a drunken comment from him and that he's just hurt and confused over his brother's decision to remove him from his life and frankly I could tell that she was subtly trying to pin this on me too, but I don't think she had the courage to do it openly in front of her son and husband.

So to wrap this up, we're still gonna have our wedding, but now we're gonna have to spend even more money for extra security (both for the wedding and our home) and it only took for over half of my fiance's close family to start hating my guts.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Exciting-Addition-38

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH if I cancelled my wedding because of my fiance family tradition?

Trigger Warnings: >!sexism, mentions of death threats, attempted sexual coercion, misogyny, sexual abuse!<

Original Post - rareddit: December 10, 2023

My fiance informed me that in his family they do a bedding ceremony, yup that type of ceremony where the family watches the two newly wed have sex to see if they actually had sex. I've heard about this when I read many medieval books when I was younger but I never knew people still did this, it's not common for me to hear or see. My fiance and I are both 25 so pretty young to be getting married but we have been together for 5 years

I felt really uncomfortable when he told me this because it's just weird to me, my fiance said that it would be fine and it would end soon. Would I be overreacting if I cancelled the wedding? I don't even feel safe around him after that comment because he shouldn't be agreeing with them but I have to realize that is his family tradition.

Our wedding is in 3 months so I wanted some opinions because I really don't have anyone to talk to about this. Have you guys had to do this at your wedding?

Edited: I'm very grateful for everyone's comment and you guys are really helping me through the situation, not too many people believe it and that's perfectly fine because this is not something we are familiar with and we don't really normalize this stuff in this century. My fiance is that his mother's house so when he comes back I will definitely be having a talk with him about the wedding, you guys are really helping me like seriously I do appreciate everyone. It's really extraordinary to think that people still do this, I don't want to be humiliated by my in-laws and then have to live with that memory for the rest of my life so I will not be going through this wedding. I hope you guys are proud of me. I see everyone educating me on the history of this and I do appreciate it, I'm not going through the wedding so I just want to make that clear. He hasn't been home since that argument but I did talk to him today and he said he might come today so we can talk so I want to see how that plays out and I will definitely update you guys. 💜

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA based on the comments

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ThisEnvironment6627: NTA that’s just strange and weird wtf? Tell his family they can watch adult content online if they wanna see two people be intimate so badly… and tell your fiancé that it’s either he stands his grounds and defends you or you’re dumping him cuz you are not entertainment for his family! If you don’t mind me asking what ethnicity or culture is your fiancé and his family? That’s just strange and I’ve never heard of it before

OOP: Oh I heard this went on during medieval times because that was their tradition and they wanted to prove that the newlywed had sex, even a Bishop had to be inside the room to bless them so there's a lot of history behind this. Shows that I watch like house of the dragons show a lot of it and it's just gross, my fiance and I have been arguing about this Non-Stop and he's not backing down. I don't understand why he wants us to do this bedding so badly because he just ends up calling his mother after we have an argument.

ThisEnvironment6627 Do you want to live like that for the rest of your life? Anytime you and he have an argument he calls his mommy? And would you be ok with him doing this with any future kids?

OOP: Nope I would not want him to do that, I see everyone comment and I'm very thankful for the advice because this is what I came here and asked for. He's not even here right now, he's at his mother's house like he always is because he runs back to his mommy crying. And after his comment and his whole tradition in his family I don't think I'm going to get married, I thought this was supposed to be a happy ending for me because I always wanted to get married but I guess some things don't work out.

Monday0987 What culture is your fiance from, as I have never heard of this.

OOP: He is Scottish, I'm not saying the whole country Scotland was doing the bedding ceremony but some Scottish people did that but I'm not going to generalize anything.

Embarrassed-Lab-8375: It, absolutely, is not & never was 'pretty common for Europeans'!

OOP No it actually was, it tells it in history books as well because the bedding ceremony has been around for centuries.

Jessika1111: So you are marrying a gypsy?

OOP: LOL no, my fiance and his family are from Scotland and I actually learned that there was many bedding ceremonies going on in Scotland for centuries. I'm learning a lot 😭

Update – 2 months later: February 27, 2024

Hello everyone, it has been 2 months since I have been on here. Some of you guys might not remember but some months ago I shared to you guys that my ex fiance had this weird family tradition where during the bedding his family had to watch. Comes to find out all of it was lie just to see me naked, I was disgusting because his family as a whole is weird and the ones who made up that rule was the men in his family. I feel bad for the wives in his family because they were tricked to do this nasty shit.

I deleted my original post and I am sorry, I kept getting death threats so I wanted to leave and clear my head. Anyways, I'm seeing this new guy( my male best friend) kinda like friends with benefits because I don't want to rush anything and he respects that. There is your update, I know this is the boring update but I just wanted to let you guys know I am well.

z-eldapin Eeew! Now that the other wives know it was all a lie, what are they doing?

*OOP: To be honest I don't know, I feel for them because these nasty men tricked them into getting exposed. One of my ex uncles married a girl when she was 17 and he was 31🤢🤢 that poor girl and what's even sad is that she went through it too. So happy I left him because I wouldn't want to have kids with him and have them raised around pedos and creepy old men

THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/AnnonymousCarrot

My mom is an influencer and I hate her for it

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

TRIGGER WARNING: >!obsessive behavior, neglect, exploitation, food deprivation, doxxing, repeated privacy invasion!<

Original Post Aug 22, 2023

-long post-

My mom (f45) has become a facebook influencer, I (f16) used to not care when she took photos but its gotten crazy. Everything she does is now posted or live streamed online. Even if somewhere says don't photograph or film she'd find a way to film it. It was annoying at first but now its downright frustrating especially since 3 months ago when she got really into it. I also completely understand the irony of me posting this on Reddit but I just need someone to hear me out.

I declined my 16th birthday party so she threw a giant party claiming it was for her anniversary, my brothers graduation, and my birthday. There were 150 guests and between my dad, my brother and myself we only covered 30 of them. I don't even know how much of that party she wasn't on her screen for since she was constantly filming and uploading it, along with a lot of her friends. I really wanted to preform there, i practiced for months but the idea of her filming and uploading it made me so nervous i backed down. I don't like being photographed or filmed, even as a kid I didn't.

Another time we went on vacation and every second it was filmed. When we got to a hotel we weren't allowed in until she recorded the room even if we just drove for 8 hours and wanted to sleep. She'd take her time in areas she could photograph even if it was a rock (actual thing), but when me, my dad and brother tried to enjoy a non-aesthetic place I felt rushed like she wanted to just go. If we got food she didn't let us eat or move the food until photos and videos were taken, even having us pose with the food or announce what it is. That one annoyed me. One time we traveled by car and it was over 10 hours since we ate. When we got a chance to eat dinner she took my food before I got a chance and was recording it saying things like "oooh how delicious," and i was so tired and hungry I just gave up and started tearing up.

On the vacation when we went on a boat but she was live streaming, she was calling out followers thanking them and saying how much she loved them all. The boat was going to check out Alcatraz and I thought it was so disrespectful especially because it was a public area and not everyone wants to be filmed, and also the history of the island makes me feel that it needs to be respected and not treated as a background to a video.

One thing that made me want to write this post was because I was trying to get a drink out of the soda machine, she had me pour out the ice from the cup so she could record me doing it for a shot. I have a certain ice to soda ratio I like and it was perfect the first time. After that I didn't get it correct and it was just a damper on an already not so great day. After that she held up my soda and was showing it off to the camera and I had to just wait until she was done.

Another thing is I've started to envy her followers. She gives them so much more attention then me. She goes off on my dad about how much closer I am with him than her, but I asked to watch a movie with her and she declines. Her reasoning is always that she has a livestream later shes hosting, or a video to film, or her followers are live. Shes turned me down so many times I stopped even trying to hangout with her, since if i do get her around shes on her phone. One time I asked for her opinion and she snapped that she was tired from her job, and that she needed time to post. She livestreams so much that I sometimes have to skip meals because she cant have the background noise and she livestreams in the middle of the kitchen. Shes live streams for hours and if she had any issue with the internet she makes everyone power down their devices so she can get a better connection.

The most attention she's given me recently was recorded, I was in a dance class and the only time she looked at me was when she was recording what I was doing. The instructor praised me to them for my work multiple times and she didn't even notice, I checked and she was watching a livestream.

I feel like I'm going crazy, when she posts about me I feel exposed like I have no control. My dad keeps saying she views the world through lens and I have no clue if this is how parents are now a days but its terrible, I'm so sorry if anyone else has to grow up like this.

RELEVANT COMMENTS/ADDITIONAL INFO

OOP on what her dad thinks

Comment 1

My dad isn't pleased. He's told me he's gotten into arguments with how much she films. I got to see a show I wanted to for a while and he brought her to the city, handed her her train ticket back and went to see it with only me and my brother. He wants her to have a hobby but he agrees its a bit excessive

Comment 2

My dads been arguing against her in this. He's always been a mediator between us and her and if I want or need something from her and she isn't responding fairly he steps in. When shes livestreaming and wants quiet hes popping in or living life normally making noise like most people do at home. For what hes concerned her hobby shouldn't have an impact on his day

Comment 3

My dad has been encouraging me as of recently to ignore her. He's arguing against how extreme her vlogging has gotten. And i know how much trouble I'm in since my house and town is shown and listed in her facebook. Also the copyright has been getting her recently and seeing her get upset at videos being struck has been my gold. Shes brought up how doctors were telling her to abort me but she pressed on and i'm her sunshine baby. Unfortunately shes against therapy, I asked to go due to witnessing a traumatic event and it ended with her crying

OOP on if her mom does MLM

Comment 1

She used to work for one actually! It was one of those all natural little bit of everything brands. I told her it was an MLM and what exactly a MLM was and she didn't appreciate the comment much. Her thing currently is buying boxes of bags and jewelry and reselling it along with being an influencer.

Comment 2

The MLM was when I was in elementary and she used her own money for it, my dad paid for everything else like utilities. I still can taste the protein powders if i try hard enough

OOP on if she and her mom have shared interests and talking to her mom

I used to make videos and I help her with technology when she needs it. But making videos fell out of my hobbies a while ago even if i make the occasional thing i tend to keep it in my draft and maybe show her if she wants to see it. I don't send her things since i never find out where it goes after minus the fact she shared it

I mean if she asks for me to send it I just say sure and she forgets about it

I haven't told her over how frustrated it makes me, i really don't throw around the word mad or hate because it usually feels strong for me. But based on some of the other comments I understand talking to her is something I need to do.

Update Feb 27, 2024

A few weeks after the original post I did tried to sit her down. I started to explain to her I didn't want to be posted or predominately featured in her account, minus maybe family photos or major events. I do understand that facebook is important to her and I wouldn't want to stop her, I just wanted to feel more acknowledged by her as a person not another character to live stream or post. She called me ungrateful, that she employs herself to have two jobs to support my wants and she works so hard for me.

(Her original job is being employed by my father. He pays all the bills and covers everything, the money she earns is for partially for spending, she still uses his credit card, and to pay off debts. She counts facebook as her second job between all the time it takes, according to my dad it's under minimum wage. He recently started bringing up the fact shes on facebook during her work and it's impacting how much she gets done in the day.)

She yelled at me for over 30 minutes and ended with her crying and ordering me away. As not good as it looks most sit downs end up this way, I asked to go to therapy before and it had a similar ending.

For a while she slowed down on photographing food. This was because of my dad telling her to stop, that most of its not worth it and it was getting annoying. When we are eating at a restaurant she takes photos of her own food while making comments how we wont support her by taking photos of our meals and being upset and dramatic over. The habit started picking back up of taking food photos so I started to get dishes that look as unappealing (side of fries, salad of just mixed greens, etc.) just so it's not photographed.

She still posts often and I saw someone comment about doxxing but her page has my town posted along with photos of my house. When she leaves for a trip she posts when she leaves and where she is in the moment (my dad heavily disapproves and thinks it should be posted after we return), it terrifies me just that much is online about me. When she leaves just me and my brother alone I become scared that someone could easily break in.

My brother also started becoming bothered by her, on a trip she posted a video of my brother sleeping which his friends ended up finding. That started ticking him off until he started talking about even though he's fine with filming its the in excess getting to him. He's always been closer to her than I have and I just hope it doesn't affect their future relationship any more than it already has.

I found posts on TikTok and youtube reading out the post and I wanted to address a few frequent comments.

The most frequent one being that people wouldn't be able to handle it and they would toss the phone or try and sabotage one way or another, i appreciate the comments and I got a good laugh out of some of them. But the harsher truth is being in the situation, retaliation is a lot harder especially since I would be put under an unsavory limelight. Along with the fact she carries around two phones, destroying one would to little to nothing while getting me in trouble with both parents.

Another one being divorce. My parents can communicate and divorce is something they both don't want. My dad encourages me to ignore my mom's antics and we both know she loves me and is trying to be a parent, which is a difficult task with little to no instructions. My mom isn't from where I'm from, for all I know it could be a good outlet for her and keeps her connected with her home country and people from where shes from.

Finally I'd want to thank the people who said I was patient but I really am not, I'm just used to it. When it's how you grow up you don't think about it as much even if it bothers you. Giving into her lifestyler is a habit and I plan on living by just trying to stay under the radar.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ChipmunkUnderDuress

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

My partner's family financial situation is hard for me to swallow

Trigger Warnings: >!financial abuse, emotional manipulation and abuse, exploitation!<

Original Post: February 4, 2024

I love my partner very much. We were planning to get married this year. I don't believe that is feasible anymore.

Their family recently hit a major financial crisis. They were originally quite wealthy and are used to a high standard of living so this was a big shock to all of them. My partner is now the sole breadwinner. I am all for them supporting their family through this and I would love to be there for my partner but I am having a hard time agreeing with some of their choices.

For example, my partner would rather sacrifice all of his assets and money than have his family downsize theirs. I feel as though they should sell their mansion and many luxury cars (that have a high cost of upkeep) to something more affordable. The profits would help them get by for awhile too. I can't bring myself to say this to my partner because I don't want to seem unsupportive.

All of this makes me very very sad for our future. I know it sounds selfish and shallow, but I was looking forward to having a good life with my partner. Now I feel like I either have to put that life on hold for the unforeseeable future (we don't know how long it will take for the financial crisis to resolve, it might never, and they might be financially dependent of my partner for awhile) OR be the one to finance everything. Which is not the life I want. Sure, for a few months, a year, I could pay for all our dates and trips just so that we could still enjoy our life. But then what? Will I truly be able to say that I don't mind giving up on the life that I want just so that someone else can live theirs? I don't know. Maybe I'm a bad partner for saying all of this. But for now, I'll keep this secret on reddit and go greet my partner with a smile. Because I love them. And they're a really good person. Even if this time I have to shoulder the cost of them being a good person.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

DantheMan5860 You are not a bad person for deciding one way or another now. You might not be a great person if you know this is not what you want and still go through with it and then leave down the line. I know you said u might be able to pay for dates for a few months or so but I’m wondering what else you would bring to the table financially, or were you just looking forward to your partner bringing in the biggest part of the cake?

OOP: I make more money than my partner and have always contributed more. I bought my studio apartment so I pay for the mortgage. They don't currently live with me because of work but my apartment will basically be our starter home. We were both starting to save for the wedding and a bigger home together but they've already given their half of the savings to their family. So now all we'll have is my contributions. So it's not like I'm not giving. It's just that now, my partner won't be able to.

But I don't think I'm disappointed because they won't be able to afford the big things. Because those are easier to tackle. Can't afford a wedding? Postpone it. But I think what hurts is knowing that because they're on money saving mode, they don't have money to waste on silly things like nice meals or fun activities that we wanted to do. So I would either have to adapt my lifestyle or be the one to finance it. Which is fine for now. But undesirable long term as it basically makes me the sole breadwinner of a two income household.

ceruleanTX It sounds like his family and you two should try to reduce costs of living to improve your financial situations. Please talk with your fiancé about this; enabling their spending habits won’t help in the long run if they aren’t able to recover their wealth. Everyone has to learn to live within their means.

OOP: Thank you. I'll give them time to process everything before I try to talk to them. I don't want them to feel like I don't support them helping their family.

Update: February 9, 2024

A few days ago I made a post on how my partner was making bad decisions on their finances to support their family's very privileged lifestyle. I have since talked to them and I'm glad I did. Turns out my partner didn't really want to do a lot of it but their parents have been pressuring them hounding them everyday, attempting to guilt them through crying jags on the phone so that they would take out a 100k loan on their behalf. They can't take out the loan themselves because the dad hasn't worked in 20 years and the mom has not worked her whole life. They've been living off of investments that they lucked out on but has since caused them issues. My partner has a sister who doesn't work and isn't in college. Granted half of the reason is that she was recovering from a skin condition but the other half is that college isn't too much of a priority for her.

I'm so pissed at these people. My partner hasn't been eating much beyond instant noodles and week old leftovers while their family still has enough money for groceries and proper meals. Like that's so f-ed up. Your child is starving themselves to support your privileged ass who cannot accept that most people have to work for a living. Your child is working their ass off for their living. How could you do that to your child? Like get a job? Sell your luxury items? Sell your cars? Your multimillion house? Not go on that overseas trip for the mom's birthday when you knew your savings was running out? How could you ask your child to sell their car, take out a loan for you? Unless it was the absolute last resort? How could you guilt trip them this way? What shitty selfish parents. The house has too many emotional attachments? The dad's ego would be bruised from feeling like he's taking back the things he gave his family? Hahaha this family is so unhinged. Sure, they're nice people. But how nice can you be if you would do this to your child?

I am so pissed. I've been buying my partner food, treating them to nice meals, buying them flowers, when they are with me so that they still get to enjoy their life and have moments of happiness. I am happy to do this for my partner but fck the family for putting both me and my partner in this position.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

xanif What's the long term plan here? How are you going to save for retirement? How are you going to save for children (if you decide to have them)? For a house? For unexpected medical bills?

I know it's a cliché but you don't have just an in-law problem. You have an SO problem. This isn't sustainable.

OOP: Honestly, I don't know. My partner has been in a bad state since shiz hit the fan so I've been focusing on short term and just making sure they're okay. Medium/long term wise, I know I'll be fine. I make decent income, I own my apartment (still on mortgage though), and I don't plan on getting preggos any time soon. I have an IUD so low chance of any accidents as well. We both have pretty comprehensive insurance from work. Basically we would survive. But it wouldn't be the life we worked hard for and deserve and can afford if it wasn't for this. I hate them for trying to rob us off that life.

Commercial-Loan-929 Hey OP, what are you gonna do once you get married and your SO drains your money to give it to your IL's? (Speaking from experience, that will inevitably happen since you're ignoring his enabling behavior).

There's something you need to understand, your IL's are at fault but the one "robbing you off that life" is your SO.

OOP: First of all, thank you for your comment. I took a few days to think about it. I don't think I will marry him until this specific matter is resolved. And even if it does, and we get married, I will insist on a prenup and ensure that my finances, and our collective finances will not be at the mercy of his family.

FroggyMcnasty You don't want to hear this but you need to divorce him.

He took a massive loan out which they will NEVER pay back, and that is going to fall onto you. You need to protect yourself, your partner has no business dragging you into this nonsense and making you partially liable for whatever fuckups they get into. If something happens to him, then you still owe the debt.

Look into legal options.

OOP: He has not taken out the loan yet. He does not want to. This has been his standing ground with his parents over the past few days. I don't know if he will eventually cave or if he will stand up to his parents and put an end to this. But I reckon this will be the point that determines the rest of the outcome. I refuse to marry him if the loan exists. If he ends up taking out the loan, it will need to be paid off prior to marriage. But even given that, I don't know if I can forgive and still marry him knowing that what could have been our savings went into paying the loan instead. I think marriage would only still be on the table if the loan was paid off by his family. Or if they reimbursed him for the amount.

Either way, resolved or not, a prenup is definitely mandatory for me now. Even before everything happened, I wanted one, but now it's non negotiable

THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/OppositePumpkin2750

My step daughter said she hates me so I’m not bringing her on my trip

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

Original Post  Feb 25, 2024

I 28F married my 37M husband 4 years ago when his daughter was 11. She’s 15 almost 16. Her parents have been divorced since she was 7. She still sees her mom regularly and they have a great relationship. I know I will never be her mother and I have never tried to take on that role nor force her to look at me that way.

The problem is she doesn’t like me at all. Since she was 11 she’s made it clear I’m not her mom. She rolls her eyes at me, ignores me a lot of the time, tells me I’m not her mom, etc. Her mom and I get along. She will call me if she needs me to take my step daughter to practice instead because she has a new baby. We’re not best friends but we do keep in touch for the sake of her daughter because her dad travels a lot for work so I am the sole parental figure for her.

I don’t try to force my step daughter to spend time with me but sometimes I do suggest we go shopping, watch a movie, etc. especially when her dad travels out town for a few days. I’m always shut down. This brings me to last week, I had to go in her room to put more towels in her bathroom and she’s been a little down because her boyfriend broke up with her. I knock and she lets me in and I see she’s watching “Love is Blind” and I say “Oh I’m watching this right now with Anna (my niece), I’m an episode behind you but I’d love to watch it with you” she ignores me and I put the towels up in her bathroom and when I’m leaving I say “I have snacks downstairs, I also got new face masks if you want to try them out or we can Just talk if you want someone to vent to” because we’re both into skin care and I know how hard a teenage breakup is. She pauses her tv and says “stop fucking trying to be my mom, I don’t like you, you’re Just my dads wife. I have a mom and you mean nothing to me so stay the hell out of my life and stop trying to get me to do things with you, I want nothing to do with you, weirdo” she shoos me out of her room and slams the door in my face. I will admit that I cried a little.

My niece/god daughter is graduating high school this year and when we were watching love is blind she said she would love to go to a beach because she’s never been and go on a good vacation before she starts college so we started making plans. I’m paying for both of us. Her mom says she wants to go and she’ll pay for herself. My niece also asked if her best friend could come and I said I’d cover the hotel and plane but her parents will have to pay the rest. Yesterday when I was searching and calling around for hotels and amenities and things to do she comes down and hears me. Her dad walked in and she goes “are we going on a vacation” he says “I don’t think so… are we ‘Sarah’?” I say “I’m taking my sister, niece, and her friend as a graduation present” and she asks her dad if she can go and he asks why I didn’t ask her and I say “we made this plan when I asked her if she wanted to watch a show with me and my niece and she told me I’m not her mom and she doesn’t want to do things with me and she wants nothing to do with me” and they tried to make excuses and I say “I can’t be your parent/friend when you want me to do things for you but you treat me like crap any other time”

She went and called her mom and her mom called me and I explained what happened and what was said. She was shocked about what her daughter said to me but she understood completely. She told my step daughter that she will take her on a trip when she graduates but she missed out by acting that way and she can’t force me to take her” my husband says I should get over it and take her. I don’t think I’m in the wrong.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Impressive_Belt474

NTA but I am curious why you would marry someone with a kid that clearly does not like you. That’s a shitty deal either way and it’s telling when the parent doesn’t care enough to at least try to fix the problem beforehand. Based off the husband’s response, he enables your SD’s behavior so not sure how you expect all this to play out.

OOP

She was not so open about not liking me until she hit 13. We were cordial? That feels like something I’d say about two adults but I knew that she wanted to be left alone because her parents had divorced and I know how hard it is because my parents got divorced so I did not pressure her into talking to me.. I hope this is making sense but when she was 11 I was not being verbally assaulted like this. She just really kept her distance and kept conversations a minimum

~

Internet_Wanderer

I love when spoiled children run up against the consequences of their actions. You're better than I am OP. I wouldn't even give her another chance. She hates me? Great, no more presents, money for field trips, allowances, favorite meals made by me, or anything else really. If she decides to, she could try and earn back my regard, but I tend to ignore people that hate me. And once she turns 18 I would start treating her as an adult I don't like. But I'm also a vindictive bastard

OOP

I have thought about going down that route after she said that but I am also a kid of divorce parents and I know how hard it can be when your parents start dating someone new, so I never fed her for that because I was the ones in that position. But I feel like she is 16 now and she says what she says she can mean what she say so she has to deal with those actions.

OOP Updated the next day Feb 26, 2024

Update - I took some of the peoples advice, and I had to sit down with her, her father and her mother to talk about boundaries and clear rules of what I will not tolerate anymore. I am still standing firm that I am not taking her on this trip, because I am not going to award bad behavior and verbally abusing and I don’t want to deal with that on the trip. I do not want to be miserable on a trip that’s for my niece and celebrating her graduating. When my husband goes out of town, she will be staying with her grandmother or mother, I will no longer be parenting her here since she does not want me to do anything for her and I will not until her attitude changes I said that maybe she needs to go back to therapy and her mother and dad agreed.

I told her once again that I know she has a mother and doesn’t need another and that was never my goal to try and come in and replace her mom, I Just wanted to be a parental figure. My husband did apologize for not having my back and controlling this behavior before. I said that I may not be her mom but I am her father’s wife and I need basic respect. She doesn’t have to like me but I won’t tolerate her disrespect. They both asked her to apologize for what she said and she said scoffed and rolled her eyes. She stormed off and her mother and father went after her to scold her. We also agreed to go to family therapy.

I told them that I will not be asking her to do things with me like go to the mall or look for a birthday present for her dad but if she comes to me with a changed attitude then I will be more than happy to do so. Her mother said she will be talking to her privately about how her actions have consequences and that this was a small thing compared to what may happen in the real world.

I do realize I should have been more vocal about the mistreatment but I didn’t want her to dislike me anymore than she did but I see that was not the correct decision and hopefully we can come to so sort of… I can’t think of the word or phrase but we can be cordial

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Commenter

Well, I can understand where her anger is coming from. She was half your age when you married her dad and you've only been married 4 years. Dad is constantly gone and mom has a new baby so she's pawned off on you all week. I can see why she's feeling abandoned and like they're forcing you to be her new mom. I'd give her some slack.

Teenagers say stupid shit when they're going through stuff and she's going through a lot. Did you knock on her door before going in or did you just walk in? Teenagers need to feel like they have their own space. Maybe she had just been crying and snapped at you because her actual parents weren't anywhere to be found. Come on, I remember what it's like to be a teenager and it's farther away in time for me than it is for you.

I think setting more hard rules is a really bad idea and will only breed more resentment here. She learned the lesson that you can't treat someone like shit and then expect something gifted to you from them for no reason.

Why don't you ask her where she wants to live during the week when dad's gone? Has anyone ever done that?

OOP

You made a comment and still getting the same response after trying to explain why I’m in the wrong is really funny. I’m not trying to be her mom, never was, never will. I have tried, this last time I tried I was verbally talked down to and told to stay out of her life, so why should she want to go in this trip if she doesn’t like the person hosting it

&

If he wants to take her on a trip, he can? I’m not barring her from all vacations ever, Just this one that’s to celebrate my niece that I’m paying for… she’s not coming. I don’t know what she and her friends do because she does not let me in on that part of her life and I don’t ask because she’s made it clear that she doesn’t want to speak about any of that with me. I only asked if she wanted to talk about what she was going through because I know how lonely it can feel going through a break up and not having anyone to talk to you. You can give you advice.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

Reminder: This is BORU. I am not OOP. OOP is u/londonlady1988

We are nearing tax season, so I decided to grant you an advance by providing a BORU post with lots of cat tax! ;)

#Original Post (Dec 11, 2023)

My parents are known to take in rescues and this starving elderly baby was just dumped on our property. Help with a name?

We will be going to the vets tomorrow to scan for chip etc and get these wounds and malnourishment sorted. Either a neutered male or female and an absolute love bug - already curled up on my dad in the isolation room 😭 Thinking maybe a Christmassy name?!

picture #1 (Cat sitting next to coffee machine)
picture #2 (All puffy cat on counter next to sink)
picture #3 (Cat eating food out of bowl)

top comment (by deleted user)

Latke

The perfect name for a holiday miracle who looks a little fried.

OOP replies:

Ok this made me laugh out loud!

editor's note: There were many other great name suggestions, e.g. "eggnog" and "noel". One user asked OOP to name the cat "Eddie", as they had a cat named that way who passed away recently. OOP replies that they already have a cat named Eddie and provides cat tax.

#UPDATE #1 (Dec 13, 2023 - 2 pm)

Cooper (!) had a microchip and had been reported missing several years ago. Desperately trying to get in touch with his family.

Last night we got Cooper to the vets and not only did he have a microchip, he had been reported missing by his family a few years ago. He had travelled nearly 10 miles in that time. Unfortunately, the vets haven’t managed to get in touch yet so I’m praying to the cat gods that the details are up to date.

In the meantime, we have said we will pay for all emergency treatment and foster him if needed. Good news was though he is very underweight, he didn’t look like he had herpes, calci or any other respiratory virus. Instead, his mouth ulcer and weight indicate kidney disease, so hoping he can get back on treatment asap. We miss him already, he is just such a cuddle bug - but I really hope we can reunite him with a family who loves him for Christmas.

Thank you for all the brilliant suggestions of names, and thank you for loving him as much as we do! I’ve told him he is a celebrity on Reddit 🐈

picture #1 (Cat with blanket in box)
picture #2 (Cat, alert on mini-desk)

Comment by u/SchnoodleDoodleDo

i’m thankful for these humans - something led me to their care
(i think i had a family… i don’t remember Where…)
Adventures, there were many! all those lonely miles to roam…
but now i’m tired,
don’t feel so good…
i wish i had a home
…i wonder if they miss me, where i used to live before
or maybe they went far away, don’t think of me no more
whatever led me to this place, i think i’ll be ok…
i’m pretty sure they love me,
n i hope they let me
stay…

❤️

edit (you’re a very special human u/londonlady1988
~ i wish you & Cooper the very best!)

reply by OOP

Oh my gosh, we got a schnoodle!! You are my favourite human on reddit, and both Cooper and I are very honoured to have a poem. He is coming home with me tomorrow, and I will read this to him while telling him how wonderful he is. Love you SchnoodleDoodleDo ❤️

#UPDATE #2 (Dec 13, 2023 - 10:30 pm)

Cooper is coming home for Christmas! Sadly, Cooper’s family don't want him - but we do ❤️

The sad news: The vets managed to contact Cooper’s original family who have said they do not want him back and ‘rehomed’ him five months ago. Pretty certain he was dumped. Despite the vet’s original assessment that he was an elderly cat, it turns out he is only a baby at four years old. However, he is so malnourished he has lost most of his muscle tone and would not have lasted much longer. He has severe ulcers in his mouth and tongue so is on high-dose steroids.

The good news: Cooper has had a full blood screen and appropriate tests, and he is negative for everything including FIV, FELV, kidney disease, diabetes, thyroid etc and all viral infections. He is going to need quite intense nursing for a slow and steady recovery, but we can collect him tomorrow and he will be safe, warm and loved in our foster room. Time will tell whether he is a permanent resident, but regardless he will be treasured and looked after until he is as healthy and strong as possible.

Thank you so much for so many kind words - still can’t believe we got a Schnoodle - my parents and I appreciate it so much. Cooper is coming home for Christmas (and he is getting the middle name Latke 😂)!

picture #1 (Cat carried by OOP)
picture #2 (cat next to bowl)

Comment by u/SchnoodleDoodleDo

‘a very weird scenario’ - they trying not to judge
(but all the while i hoped that from this home i wouldn’t budge!)
i knew i found my ‘hero’ with this famlee, just because
they took me in n cared for me,
n loved me as i was
i know i wasn’t pretty, but they saw that deep inside
a scared n precious baby, longed for Love i’d been denied
a broken heart, rejected - now a home that’s full of Laughter ;}
a Meowy Christmas ending ~
You’re my Happy Ever After!
❤️

edit: (Love to All for this wonderful story)

reply by OOP

We get two Schnoodles?! Oh we are definitely the lucky ones 🥰 Thank you so much for such lovely words, I’ll be framing both and putting them up in Coop’s foster room (along with his stocking for Christmas of course). Merry Christmas SDD ❤️

UPDATE #3 (Dec 20, 2023)

Cooper has a broken humerus and needs major surgery. We don’t know yet what will happen.

Hi everyone. I’m pretty devastated to be writing this update.

As many of you know, Cooper is the starving abandoned baby that my family is fostering for our local rescue. [...]

In short, Cooper was so severely malnourished he would not of survived much longer. Due to his severe neglect, the vets had thought he was an elderly cat but he was revealed to be only four years old. Even though he was microchipped his family did not want him, and we were hoping to take him home for Christmas.

After a week in hospital due to refeeding syndrome, Cooper finally came home with us on Monday. The veterinary nurses had fallen in love with him and when we picked him up they had dressed him in a bandanna! His recent blood results were great and he has been purring on laps non stop. I’ve attached some photos.

We had a long recovery ahead, but things were going in the right direction. And then last night my worst nightmare happened. I went to check on him in the foster room, and found him crying with his leg at an awful angle. We immediately rushed him to the emergency vets and X-rays have shown he has a humerus fracture that will need significant surgery and metalwork. As there is nothing dangerous in the foster room, the vets think that his malnourishment likely weakened his bones so a minor fall or awkward jump has resulted in this.

Honestly, I don't even know if he is strong enough to undergo surgery - it is 2 am here and I'm waiting to speak to the vets in the morning. But I do know that my local rescue doesn't have enough funds to cover it even if if he does. It is likely to be extensive with costs above 6000 and then three months of recovery.

This cat has been neglected, abandoned and on the brink of death – and he is still the most affectionate animal I've ever come across. I desperately want to give him a second chance at life but completely feel like I’ve failed him at the moment. I’m dreading the call in the morning if it says he isn’t fit enough for surgery, and I’m dreading the call if it says he is but the rescue can’t afford it.

It’s middle of the night and I’m just rambling and crying, but so many of you sent such lovely messages about him that it makes me feel less alone.

Thank you Reddit, please think good thoughts for Coop.

picture #1 (Cat with scarf)
picture #2 (Cat, snuggled up in box with blanket)
picture #3 (Cat being pet by OOP)
picture #4 (Cat snuggling in OOP's lap)
picture #5 (cat with scarf, looking alert)
picture #6 (Cat on chair)
picture #7 (cat next to bowl)
picture #8 (All puffy cat on counter next to sink)

UPDATES by OOP in the comment section:

Update: Cooper has been approved for surgery!! They have confirmed it is a nasty break likely because of his malnutrition. We have to wait until Friday until they can operate because he has prednisolone in his system (due to his ulcers) and they have to make sure it has gone - but the surgeon thinks they going to be able to pin the leg or in worst case scenario amputate. I've been told he is comfortable and everybody thinks he is very special.

I have no idea how I'm going to go about fundraising for his surgery, but right now I'm just ecstatic because I was so terrified they would say he was too fragile to operate on and would have to be put to sleep. I get to go and visit him tonight so I can give him a love. I know I will feel much better when I see him!

AND:

Coop made it through surgery!! Unfortunately, this surgeon thinks it is only a 50-50 chance screws will stay in place as his little bones are so fragile. We should know tomorrow whether there is early indication that it has been successful or whether he will need an amputation. My biggest fear is that he would not be strong enough for the general anaesthetic but he has come through okay though obviously still very sedated and on massive pain meds. Will be saying my prayers tonight for good news tomorrow but I am just so ecstatic the first big hurdle is over and wanted to share 😊

#FINAL UPDATE (Feb. 4, 2024)

Remember Cooper - the starving abandoned baby at risk of amputation? Look at him now!

Hi everyone!

Apologies for such a delay in finally getting around to updating on Coop.

We were a little overwhelmed with how popular his story was - but genuinely moved by the care and interest from all around the world that this poor Kitty received. We even have our two Snoodles framed in the foster room.

For those who don't remember or didn't see his original post - Cooper was abandoned and so malnourished he was on the brink of death when he was found on my parents property (who are known for rescuing animals). He was covered in ulcers and in a very sorry state, but within twenty minutes he had climbed on my dads lap purring. We have rescued MANY cats but never seen one who just wanted to love immediately and above all else like Cooper did. The vet estimated his age originally at near 20 years old. It turned out he was actually only 4 but starvation had made him look like an old man.

After his original owner was tracked down via microchip and did not want him (long story), he was relinquished into the care of Cosy Cats the local volunteer run cat rescue that we foster for.

Because Coop was so malnourished he was first hospitalised after he developed dangerous refeeding syndrome - this can commonly happen with starving cats and why you must a) get them to a vets asap and b) feed small meals little and often.

Then disaster struck - Cooper was so malnourished that when he fell a small height awkwardly, he shattered his leg and his poor fragile bones. It was above the elbow and a really difficult break. We had the option to either put him to sleep or amputate as the surgery was so expensive - but we wanted to fight for him. Particularly as all his other blood tests were amazing and he had been through so so much for a cat that was only four. At this point, I would like to thank everyone who offered to try and support with his surgery. I couldn't share links to help on here but I appreciated the offers all the same.

We went through with a long complicated surgery to pin his leg together and he has been on six weeks cage rest in a tiny cage to restrict his movement as much as possible. To be honest, his orthopaedic surgeon did not think it would hold and all of us are just so ecstatic he has made it to 6 weeks. His surgeon has recommended another two weeks on cage rest and then he has a few months on room rest to try and build up all the muscles that have atrophied. He is also currently on high-dose steroids and hypoallergenic food to support his ulcers healing.

Throughout this, Cooper has been the literal embodiment of perfection. As soon as he knew he was safe, he has just been the sweetest, happiest, most gentle animal I have ever met. I can't believe the abuse and neglect he had been put through, and yet he remains the most trusting and loving soul. Despite getting on two months in a tiny cage, all Coop wants is love, his grub, and then more love.

Currently Coop is officially our foster. When he is well, we will work to do a slow introduction with our current tribe with the desperate secret hope that he will integrate into our family. However, we are taking it one day at a time and no matter what we will do what is best for Cooper.

Thank you for all the love you have shown him - it got us through a difficult time.

I hope you enjoy the slideshow of pictures showing his recovery into a very handsome young man ❤️🐈

(editor's note: OOP posts all the pictures of the previous posts, plus new ones. I'm only linking the new ones here.)

picture #1 (Cat in cage with open door)
picture #2 (Cat with cone in cage, unimpressed)
picture #3 (cat with cone in cage, unimpressed & meowing )
picture #4 (Cat with fluffy citrus cone being pet)
picture #5 (Cat with fluffy citrus cone, curled up)
picture #6 (Cat with fluffy citrus cone, in cage)
picture #7 (Cat with fluffy melon cone, licking OOP's hand)
picture #8 (Cat with fluffy melon cone)
picture #9 (Cat with fluffy melon cone, laying in cage)
picture #10 (Cat without cone standing in cage)
picture #11 (Cat loafing in cage)

If that's not good enough: u/No_Establishment8642 comments and let's OOP know that Cooper has a twin:

I have Cooper's twin with the same name and the other half of the mustache. Cooper's twin

OOP replies*

Oh my gosh, it’s like the Parent Trap! Together they have a whole moustache ❤️ Hopefully my Coop looks half as good as your Coop soon.

Again, this is BORU. I am not OOP.

#Please remember the no brigading rule. Do NOT comment on the original post or PM OOP.

edited to add picture descriptions for our visually impaired readers

AITA for standing firm on my “lack of hygiene” and choosing cat over bf? Posted December 25, 2021

Hi everyone. On Mobile. Merry Christmas!

First things first, I (24F) have been dating “Kyle” (25M) for two months now. He has started to spend the night.

Kyle never grew up with pets, so my cat has been an “adjustment” to him (his words). My cat “Crumb” (4M) is the most important aspect in my life right now. Like most cat parents, he rules the household. We are very close, since I found him abandoned on the side of the road (as a 3mo old kitten) and nursed him back to health.

Crumb is very docile, but hasn’t shown any affection or really interest in Kyle. I don’t force it. Crumb does as he does.

Lately, Kyle has been complaining about Crumb. I guess he walked into my bathroom to see Crumb rubbing his face against my toothbrush (I have one of the electric ones that stands). He was shocked and told me how disgusting it was. I laughed and said “yeah that’s not great.” He demanded I get a new toothbrush (expensive) and I said no. I just put the toothbrush in a drawer.

Next, Kyle says he doesn’t like my nightly routine with Crumb. I give Crumb a kiss on the head, stomach and then face before he goes to sleep. He sleeps on my bedside table in a cat bed. If I don’t do this routine, he lays on me until I do. I know that’s annoying, but that’s how it has always been and I love doing it.

Well Kyle says I am unhygienic because of this. He says Crumb is dirty (he is inside only and I brush him every day) and even letting him sleep in the bedroom is gross and gets fur everywhere (it doesn’t, but Kyle isn’t even allergic so). I told him that I put the toothbrush away, but he told me that I took it as a joke and didn’t punish Crumb. I tried to explain that you can’t punish cats (nor would I want to in this scenario), but he wouldn’t hear it. He then went on to say that me kissing Crumb is disgusting, especially his face, and he wouldn’t ever kiss me if I kissed Crumb again. He asked me to put Crumb outside the room when he is over, or lock him in a “crate.”

So I said, “okay bye.” Not only is Crumb 10000x more important to me, but I laughed in Kyle’s face about never kissing my cat again/keeping him locked.

This is where I may be the AH. Kyle told me that I was ruining our future and how mean I am for laughing at his concerns. I felt guilty so I asked a group of my friends and they were split. The pet owners laughed, the non-pet owners said I am in the wrong for not making Kyle feel more comfortable. They said that Kyle wasn’t asking me to get rid of Crumb, just compromise with him. They said I was being kinda gross and understand his concerns.

TLDR; Bf doesn’t like me kissing cat. I said it wasn’t going to stop and laughed at him. He and friends call me insensitive and gross.

EDIT: Cat tax! hopefully I did this right

EDIT 2: Woah! I didn’t expect this to blow up at all!! I am reading everything, even if I don’t reply. I asked Kyle if we could talk tomorrow (since we aren’t speaking) and he said yes. I’ll let you know how it goes! ❤️🐈‍⬛ Thank you for all the input!

EDIT 3: More Cat Tax, as requested

UPDATE: AITA for standing firm on my “lack of hygiene” and choosing cat over bf? Posted December 29, 2021

First, I want to thank everyone who took the time to respond, upvote, award, & dm me. I was inundated with responses and really got great feedback from all over the spectrum. It was decided that I was not TA, but there were tons of N A H. I took every comment to heart. Even ToothbrushGate!

Convo with Kyle: I wanted to talk bc I wanted to hear his reasoning/give a clean break. Honestly, it was a relatively normal, boring conversation... at first.

He apologized for giving me an ultimatum/said that he was just frustrated & would never want to hurt Crumb. I apologized for laughing at him & for making him feel as though his feelings weren't valid.

He said that the "pet thing" was new to him & he wants to work at bonding. I asked what he meant by punish/crate. He said that by punish he meant spray with water & he didn't realize cats aren't crate animals. He tried to compromise & say kissing cat's head was gross, but if I brushed my teeth/washed my face after, he would kiss me.

The comment I received most was Kyle & I just aren't compatible. So I said that: although I appreciate his apology & trying to compromise, I don't think in the future it would work. Kyle tried to backpedal a bit & say he can learn to be more flexible, but I kinda got a weird feeling.

I said it isn't fair to either of us to compromise on our comfort. I restated that Crumb is non-negotiable. He rolled his eyes & asked if I was choosing Crumb over him. He then asked if I was "seriously breaking up with him over a 'stupid animal.'" This shocked me bc it was a 180 of the previous 15 mins.

He said he felt rejected by Crumb and felt if he rejected him first, it would make them even? I said that was concerning bc Crumb is a cat. He asked how I would feel if he kept kissing animals that weren't me. I said I wouldn't care bc they were animals/not a threat. He said I was dense & if I clearly didn't care about his boundary of kissing animals, who is to say that I wouldn't kiss everyone. This especially hurt bc I had previously told him about the stigma of being a queer (bisexual) woman and how everyone assumes we cheat/are promiscuous. I asked if he was jealous of Crumb. He scoffed, said "you're right, this could never work bc you will be a crazy cat lady with no boundaries/hygiene." He said "enjoy being alone forever" & hung up.

Going forward, I will make sure to explain my relationship with my cat to future partners. I need to be with someone that loves animals/at least doesn't feel threatened by them. Like a lot of you said, I should be with someone that loves both me & Crumb. To answer one of the most asked questions: I sanitized the toothbrush. I will be getting a new head soon, thanks to my friend. I also got a cap for it.

Thank you for being a part of this journey with me. If you are interested in future updates, I can post them on my own page. <3

Cat Tax included :)

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/mommydeer in r/Mommit

trigger warnings: >!suicide ideation, sexual abuse of an animal, drug abuse, plans of violence/murder, self-harm!<
mood spoilers: >!heavy on the anxiety!<

Heads up - this is a lengthy read!

My brother is homicidal. I’m looking for ways to protect my family - 4th November 2023 (captured by the wayback machine)

I’m a married mom of 3 kids 6 years old and younger. My little brother is almost two decades younger than me. He has high functioning autism and developmental delay related to a brain injury when he was born. I helped raise him as much as I could but our parents are pretty emotionally abusive so I wasn’t there a lot and we had grown apart a bit as he became a teen.

He has done better than expected in life- graduating high school and attending a semester of college before getting a job cleaning a hospital. I helped him apply for the job, and when he had a mental breakdown I blamed myself for helping him get the job.

He felt suicidal and homicidal for two months this summer. He has very few if any friends, never had a romantic relationship, and was obsessed with guns for a few years. I told my parents and other siblings he should not have guns when I learned he had them. His roommate joked he got him into guns and would get my husband into guns- to which I responded with “do not even try. We are not gun people.”

Anyway, in August, after reading bedtime stories to my kids, I got a text from my brother. He came over. He said he went to the desert to shoot himself but chickened-out. I made him dinner and took him to a crisis center.

I later learned he had plans to shoot the hospital he was working at, specifically the children’s unit. He planned to take hostages. He had plans to die when police would get there. He purchased several guns and tactical gear, including an AR weapon and a milk-crate full of bullets. He sexually abused a family dog. He had plans to stab my parents and sisters.

Police and FBI was involved. He spent 2 months in a mental health hospital. I spoke with him by phone every few days. I believed he could get better with the meds and therapy. He was released 2 weeks ago and he said he felt better than ever and did not have any intrusive thoughts anymore. He got a dating app and was applying for jobs. He moved back in with our parents and was spending quality time with them.

On Halloween my dad called me and said my brother is back in the mental hospital. Apparently, two weeks ago he lied to the hospital to get discharged. He had active plans of killing my parents. He bought a huge axe, a Halloween mask, and gloves. He covered the axe handle with tape. My parents found this in the car trunk. The car he gave them a ride in.

My brother admitted that he planned to kill them in their sleep on Halloween night. He planned to kill my dad first then my mom, then he planned to wear the gloves to stay warm in the forest so he could hide. My dad called the FBI agent to come get all the stuff they found in the trunk. They think the tape on the axe handle is to prevent slipping with blood.

I’m horrified. My brother called a couple times from the hospital. He says he’s ashamed. He admits to all of it. He says they will likely keep him for a bit but he’s already trying to figure out college and work, a living situation after release.

I’m not a gun person. Should I get a gun and a gun safe? Should we get home security? I feel like my brother will try to hurt us and I want to do my best to protect ourselves. Any advice is appreciated!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP speaks on the police involvement

The police have been involved. For a few weeks I was getting calls from them pretty regularly regarding my brother. They put in a court order for him not to be able to purchase guns. And the FBI agent is also involved. I’m not sure if a restraining order would protect us physically if my brother decided to hurt us. I haven’t told my kids to watch out if they see their uncle yet, but I probably should. I’m just not sure how to proceed. You’re right that I do feel responsible for him since I helped raise him, but I had some therapy to help. I know my responsibility is to protect my family.

How OOP's brother managed to get out

He is currently in the psych hospital on an involuntary hold. He was in one for two months and got released two weeks ago. He lied to the hospital staff to get released. I hoped meds would cure him but I think now there is little chance of that. I’m afraid he will lie to get released again. He only knows two addresses- my parents’ and mine. He knows we don’t own weapons.

He freely admits this to the therapists, doctors, police, FBI. They know he was not honest when he got released. He almost got out earlier in his two month stay by not revealing he wanted to kill the other patients. When he told them they moved him to another unit.

TOP COMMENTS ON THIS THREAD

Southern-Yam-1811

I’m scared for you and your kids. Intrusive thoughts to kill you and your family is a very real possibility. He will never recover. My #1 priority would be to relocate where he can’t have access to my kids, no social media. Your parents should do the same.

FaultSuspicious

If he knows your address and you have children, you need to fucking move. I know that may seem impossible, but it is an absolute necessity. He cannot know where you are. He cannot be able to just walk into your house. You need to move and cut off all contact with him.

I’m sure this is utterly heartbreaking for you, but from all the details you’re providing, it doesn’t seem like it is possible for your brother to recover or be rehabilitated. You need to cut all contact for your safety and the safety of your kids. He will eventually kill you if you don’t.
I worked in a psych unit of a hospital for a long time. I saw many many situations where an imbalanced adult child attempted to kill their parents/caretakers/family. It’s incredibly sad, but you cannot help him. You can only help yourself and your family by making sure he is no longer a part of your life.
Again, I’m truly sorry that you’re going through this. I can’t even imagine the heartbreak for your family.

My brother can’t stop thinking about killing me and my kids - 8th February 2024

TL;DR- my brother told me he wants to kill me and my children and husband. He is in a mental hospital but may be released soon. My husband refuses to move to protect the kids.

I posted about my brother on this subreddit 3 months ago and got great advice. Unfortunately we’re still dealing with it and it got worse.

So I am in my late 30’s, married, work full time, and have three young kids (6 and under.) My husband is a great father, extremely intelligent, and quite possibly the most stubborn person known to man.

My brother is 21, has high functioning autism and was working and living independently. My sisters are around his age, but in college. He was working as a custodian at a hospital. We spent weekends together playing Lego and he lived at our house for a few weeks when he couldn’t stay with my parents.

In August he admitted to me that he had thoughts of killing himself. I took him to a crisis center.

I found out from the police the next day that he wanted to shoot up the hospital pediatric unit, take hostages, had plans of death by cop. He was obsessed with guns and amassed weapons- a handgun and an AR rifle, milk-crate full of ammo, and tactical gear.

Police on a local and federal level were involved. He had his guns and ammunition taken from him. He admitted that he sexually abused the family dog as a teen. He admitted he derived excitement from thinking about killing people. Charges could not be brought because per police no crime was committed.

He was in a mental hospital until October. He was medicated and told us he didn’t have those thoughts anymore. He was released on meds back to my parents’ house.

Within a few days he bought a large ax, a Halloween mask, and gloves. He put tape on the ax, later admitting this was to prevent slipping with blood splatter. He had plans to kill mom and dad in their sleep with the ax on Halloween night. He told his doctor this during his follow up visit on Halloween, and the doctor called police.
My parents found the ax and all his supplies in his car trunk and gave it to the police. He got admitted to the hospital again.

The prosecutor (both state and federal) wouldn’t charge him. Buying guns, an ax, and having thoughts about hurting people is not a crime they told us.

My dad got a protection order against him. My mom is convinced she can fix him. My sisters are in college and far from his reach. I spoke with him by phone every few days- not revealing details about my life, but hoping that keeping contact could provide some safety for me and my kids. I helped raise him, I changed his diapers when he was a baby, he is my little brother and I felt scared that cutting contact completely would put us on his shit list. At this point he hadn’t said we were a target.

He asked if he could live with me, my husband, and my kids upon discharge. I told him no. I had to think of my kids. He said he understood. He said his Prozac and antipsychotic meds were helping. He told me about his friends at the hospital, his art, books, etc. I tried to be supportive of his therapy, encouraging him to keep taking meds and being honest with his doctors.

He called me from the hospital on Monday multiple times. I was at work seeing patients so I couldn’t talk. I picked up finally. He said he regrets NOT shooting up the hospital. He said he can’t stop thinking about buying a sledgehammer and coming to my house- breaking in using it- then using it to kill me and the kids and my husband.

He sounded like he was smiling and waiting for a reaction. It seemed like he was telling me because he got a kick out of it. I tried to stay calm not to give him the satisfaction. I told him that’s disturbing, that he should talk to his doctor about it, and that I had to get back to work. He said “I love you.” And hung up.

I called the hospital and his doctor told me he’s admitted to wanting to kill me and my kids and husband. He told her that if he can’t get a sledgehammer he wants to break into our back yard, break the glass back door with a brick, run up the stairs (bedroom area) and kill as many of us as he can before he gets caught. She said the meds are not working on him. She said they can’t keep him in the hospital long term. No residential facility will accept him due to his case file. So worst case scenario he may be released on the street. In fact I they nearly released him on 2/3.

I called police and pressed charges (still waiting to hear if prosecutor will accept.) I went to court today and got a protection order for myself and the kids. I couldn’t file for my husband.

I told my parents, sisters, school, my employer. My mom said she’s known he wanted to hurt someone for three weeks. I’m not a huge fan of my mom, and I was pissed she didn’t communicate that to anyone.

I asked my husband to consider moving ASAP. He is refusing. My sedentary 5’7” 160 lb husband says he can take my brother who is 6’3” and over 200 lbs. I argued with my husband several days in a row about it but he thinks we are safest in our home. He is thinking that getting a gun and staying put is the best choice. He says the security system he bought months ago but hasn’t installed yet would alert police, and they’d be here in 10 minutes to help. He says he would wake from the sound of glass breaking and either take on my brother or push heavy furniture to block the stairs. I worry he isn’t taking this seriously.

I’m pushing forward with moving. I set up a visit with the bank to see if we can sell the house/buy a new one, and I am contacting a lawyer to set up a trust so I can pay bills and purchase the new home under the trust. This means it is more difficult to find our address online.

My husband refuses to talk about it or engage. He’s not helping make any arrangements. It stresses him out too much. I told him that once I hear that my brother is released from the hospital I am grabbing the go bag and the kids and leaving. He can stay in his house and fight my brother. I can’t control what my husband does but I feel that I can’t risk it. My kids are too precious. I don’t want my husband to be at risk but I’m exhausted from trying to convince him we need to move. We are not safe in our house.

TOP COMMENTS ON THIS THREAD

Hot-Butterscotch-30

So your husband is willing to let your small children be traumatized by watching their uncle trying to kill him and threatening to kill them because he thinks he is capable of stopping him? What does he think is the outcome here?

Cookie_Wife

I would legitimately leave my husband if he was dumb enough to prioritise his own ego over his family’s safety. Your husband thinks he can take your brother and thus is too lazy to bother with a move (which is admittedly a lot of work, but you have a VERY valid reason for doing it).My husband would move in an instant if there were realistic death threats not only to me, but to his own child. There is nothing more important to him than our safety and he would take charge of every bit of the move. Men sometimes get stuck in this idea of manliness being “I’m strongest” but true manliness is being able to realise when you don’t need to one-up someone and you can solve issues in other ways.And I would cut contact with anyone who enables him, like your mother still thinking she can fix him. Contact with her risks revealing vital information about your lives that could risk your safety.

85_PhoenixRisen219

I'm sorry but no one can fight a mentally ill person during an episode. They have super human strength. Your husband would not stand a chance against him. You need to leave. You need to protect your kids and your self. If your brother gets inside even with a security system in place all of you would be gone before cops even got there. I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. You will be in my prayers. Be safe.

RELEVANT COMMENTS FROM OOP re the brother

If he simply had thoughts that’s one thing- scary but may be just him being edgy. He had thoughts and bought weapons and made modifications to them (tactical gear, tape on the axe) to move his plan forward. He’s spilled the beans each time but how long will he continue to confess? I think he is capable of doing people harm. He hurt the family dog apparently. His doctor said he has no empathy.

About the parents

My sisters and I are begging the parents to move. They are refusing. My dad plans to buy another gun. He told me he plans to shoot my brother if he gets near his house, but I have serious doubts mom or his conscience would let him. It feels like I’m either overreacting or my dad and my husband are under reacting. Surreal.

Does he want to kill anyone or her family specifically?

I worry also. I believe my brother is obsessed with killing us specifically. I think if my mom tells him we moved he will not seek the new residents out. But I believe it is only a matter of time before he seriously hurts someone.

How he got to this point

He wasn’t. He has autism and developmental delay related to a hypoxic brain injury when he was born. He also has ADHD. He does not have hallucinations or a diagnosis of schizophrenia. He nearly meets criteria for antisocial personality.

OOP Posted in legal on the same day with the same post    - 8th Feb 2024

RELEVANT COMMENTS FROM OP

On her husband's lack of action

I’ve seriously only ever been able to convince him to do anything when I’m on the brink of serving him papers. It is very infuriating. He’s agreed to move but is sulking about it. He told me I’m not giving him time to get the house ready to sell, but all he’s done is lay on the couch depressed. I’m encouraging him to call his therapist. I’m not even sure how to help him.

After 3 days of arguing with her husband

My husband is now on board, but it took so much yelling and arguing we are both feeling horrible. We are working on making the move (job interviews set up already, etc.) My mom already told my brother a bunch of stuff from this week that I told my dad and I told my dad and sisters that I will not tell them where we move because I don’t want to risk mom finding out and telling my brother. I’m afraid for my sisters and parents but I’ve expressed my concerns and they are adults. My dad plans to shoot my brother on sight if he comes near his house- I doubt my mom would allow that. It is only a matter of time before my brother hurts someone, but he made a very specific threat against us so I can’t risk staying.

Why OOP wasn't notified

I’m a medical provider myself so I was a bit shocked to hear his doctor didn’t let me know. We are working with state and federal law enforcement and with the hospital and they keep saying thinking this stuff and buying weapons is not a crime. I can’t rely on a notification system.

Status of his mental health

Unfortunately my brother does not have psychosis or schizophrenia. He nearly meets criteria for antisocial personality disorder per his doctor. She said the meds are just not working on him, he wants to kill.

More background here

He has been inpatient in the psych hospital Aug-Oct and then again Oct-now. They can’t keep him long term, the prosecutor won’t take the case because buying weapons and having thoughts about killing people isn’t illegal. His doctor, with my brother’s permission, was able to share info with me. She said he may be released to a non-secure care facility in a couple weeks. He could walk out of there and the nurses would call the police, but this is in another city. Even here in town, my parents and I don’t live too far from each other, but technically different police jurisdictions so when I called to report his recent threat they had no idea about all the previous threats. The system is not connected so I can’t rely on the police in that city to let me know if he leaves the non-secure facility. It just isn’t a risk I’m willing to take with my kids.He will hurt someone. He made it clear he has specific plans to kill us. He knows my house very well since childhood. I’m not gambling that he can be jailed or put on probation for a few months. There’s no guarantee we would be notified.

What the police are doing

The police and federal law enforcement are taking it seriously but there isn’t much that can be done. Buying weapons and thinking about killing others isn’t a crime the prosecutor would take. But I know my children are not safe, and now my husband has come around to the idea that we have to get out of dodge.

My husband hurt my feelings tonight, looking for support - 24th Feb 2024

We are going through a challenging as fuck season of life. My brother threatened to kill all of us, we are safe for now, but I know he will try to hurt us if he gets out of the mental hospital.

My husband wanted to stay and fight my brother if he comes to kill us. I argued and begged my husband to leave the state to protect our 3 young children. I lost my mind and had a panic attack and threatened divorce if he insists on staying in our house so he can fight my enormous brother to protect us. He agreed to move, but very begrudgingly. He tells me daily that I’m ruining everyone’s lives. Our children’s. His. That I’m moving us all to bring myself comfort. Regardless, our move is set.

We’re working to sell our house here and move. I’ve been looking at houses, found a real estate agent, arranged a meeting with the bank, applied and accepted a job in the new state while constantly trying to get his feedback. I’m working full time and dealing with police and court and trying to get a new license to practice in the new state. He is hurt. He’s pissed that I’m making him move. He doesn’t feel the same level of threat. He genuinely feels like I’m ruining our life.

Tonight I was looking at houses in the area we are moving to. I sent him a few. He said he wants a house under 1 million, with 1/2 an acre, more than 3,000 square foot lot, 5+ bedrooms, newer than 2000. He sent me a picture of a house he liked and “would buy now”. It was falling apart, in the middle of a mud lot, filthy, and very very far from work. Part of a wall was collapsed. I said that we should consider less than 1/2 an acre lot. There are great homes but we would have to compromise. There are homes that fit his dream but they’re more expensive houses than our budget.

He asked - you do know how mortgages work, right? In a condescending tone. I said no, because I’ve never bought a house before. He said- “you did your research, right? You always tell me to read parenting books.” I do ask him to read parenting books. I send him articles. Since he’s an engineer, he often needs me to show him studies and articles to support my points, and then he will pick the articles apart. He argues most requests and disagrees in most cases. I often feel stupid with him.

But at work I’m often told I’m quite smart, knowledgeable, and I feel validated. I am a medical provider and coworkers and patients have made me feel like I am considerate and caring. I feel like asking him to just agree or be kinder and softer isn’t messed up. I think moving has to happen and I wouldn’t push for it unless I thought my brother’s threats were real.I think reading up about parenting when you have to parent every day is smart. Especially since he gets very irritated by the chaos kids bring and says he’s “fucking tired” or in a nightmare all the time.

I tried to read up about mortgages but I am honestly having a tough time. It isn’t my strong suit.I said we should rent for a while and save. He said “well we don’t have a choice!” In a snarky tone. I wished he would have said something simple like “yeah, I agree.” Or “yeah, I think so.” Just be kind. I started crying and left. We’ve been together for 12 years and I love our kids. And I love him. But this has been constant for our whole relationship and my brother threatening our lives just fucked up our already strained relationship. I feel defeated.

TOP COMMENTS ON THIS THREAD

Kiwitechgirl

Judging by this and your earlier posts, he is highly contemptuous towards you. This is what Gottman calls one of the ‘four horsemen’ which predict the failure of a relationship. It also sounds like he’s very critical - horseman number 2. Read this article, tell him to fuck off and stop telling you that you’re ruining everyone’s lives, because his delusions of fighting your brother are just that - delusions, and you don’t want your family to be killed. Honestly I would be dragging him to counseling, except that I doubt you have time for that. Once you’re safely in the new place, counseling is a must because the way he treats you is unacceptable.

Separate-Okra-2335

I remember your previous posts & the fear I felt for you all 😔 Even if your brother is never ‘free’ again, I think you need to move due to all of the negative connotations. Your husband I see continues to be completely delusional. I’m sorry that even after everything he STILL can’t see that! Unbelievable really.There are a number of financial advisors, sometimes within property service providers that can sit with you for 1/2 hour or so to explain the basics of mortgages. It’s not overly difficult once explained correctly & do not accept your husband belittling you on this matter, he has no right to be so damned rude!If you have to move by yourself, do so, make it an adventure for your children who deserve a free & happy life. But remind your husband that he will have to relinquish any access in order to keep them (& you) safe, while he sits alone waiting for your brother to arrive up & unalive him.Really your husband needs a wake up shovel to the face. You are NOT (& nor will you ever be) ‘ruining’ anything by keep yourself & your children safe. Tell him to step up & start being positive, this could be such a lovely experience all round so he needs to drag his butt up to the here & now.

REMINDER - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. This counts as brigading. You will put the entire sub at risk of being shut down.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/NauticalCowboy

My wife only sends me me Zillow postings out of our budget.

Originally posted to r/mildlyinfuriating

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/Gerakion for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  Feb 23, 2024

My wife and I are moving back home near my family so we could have support when we eventually have our own family. We wanted to buy and have a hard cap at 575k. For the last 3 months she had been sending me Zillow posting after Zillow posting of houses going for 725-800k. I’ve mentioned our budget but she has yet to send a house at or below it. When I send her houses that do match our budget all of them give her “bad vibes”.

My mother has now started sending me Zillow postings (she’s very excited about us coming back.) The latest one being a 80 acre ranch for 1.4 million, her comment being something like “wouldn’t this just be great to raise a family on.”

Yes mom…. Yes it would be.

Probably unreasonable to feel frustrated by it but it’s got me feeling like I’m not earning enough to match expectations.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

False-Corner547

Funny, I always look up Zillow postings that are out of my budget.  It's sort of my safe porn at work.

I do understand though why it is frustrating for you in your situation.

OOP

I’ve done this too, very fun. The experience changed drastically now that I’m seriously looking lol

~

catjuggler

Does your wife agree with the budget or did you decide it unilaterally?

OOP

We sat down together and I told her what I’d prefer, and what I’m comfortable with. We live off my earnings as all her salary goes to paying off her student loans. It was originally 525k but after discussing my it we squeezed our current spending and increased our budget to 575k.

~

CatLadyNoCats

Is it possible your wife doesn’t want to move?

OOP

She put in her notice at work on her own so I don’t think that’s the case. We talk about it often, All our friends are back home, I’ve never gotten the slightest vibe that this could be the case

&

We’re moving across country, she just told her work she’s leaving in a couple months. She has interviews lined up for the new location

~

Similar-Lie-5439

Half of 750k is better than 500k in the future divorce

OOP

Damn bro I posted on mildly infuriating not AIAH 😂 tho I guess the assumption is fair with every Reddit story basically being “am I the asshole for asking my wife to water our cactus in the morning” then 3 days later the updates comes out and the divorce is in full swing.

Update  Feb 26, 2024

First of all I didn’t expect 25k upvotes, that’s insane, so thanks to everyone who chimed in. Some solid advice layered in there. I had posted that because I thought it was a perfect example of something that was mildly infuriating, and while I hadn’t talked to my wife about it yet I had intended to.

Now some of y’all need to chill, or take a break from the internet. People in the comments telling me my marriage is doomed and I had better just “walk away now”. Wild jump from something that is kinda annoying to me “she’s a lost cause abandon ship.”

I suppose I understand it a bit though. The last several stories I’ve read from Am I the Asshole were basically “Am I wrong to ask my wife to pick up after herself?” Followed by an update that she’s been cheating for years with the neighbors dog or some shit. 

So I talked to my wife, and told her how I felt about seeing nothing but out of budget houses being sent to me and this crazy thing happened. She apologized. Said she was just sending me houses she liked but knew we couldn’t get because for her it was fun to look at things we could work towards. Wasn’t aware how much it was eating at me.

We decided to rent for another year until we know for a fact she lands a decent job in the new area and is solidified in it.

To the permanently on-liners. My apologies if this end to the story was anticlimactic and didn’t feed your insatiable desire for chaos. My marriage is fine, we just occasionally irritate each other.

TL:DR- my wife apologized and we will rent for another year till better settled in the area. Seek therapy 🍻

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/raisingjack

My elderly mom is on hospice and her new “friend” gives me a bad vibe

Originally posted to r/RBI

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: >!financial abuse, elder abuse, manipulation, controlling behavior, possible medication abuse!<

Original Post Jan 12, 2024

I cannot for the life of me figure out why I feel like this but all of my spidey senses are tingling on this woman. Here’s a bit of the background:

My (40F) elderly mom (70F) has been ill for quite some time and is on hospice. She was living in an independent living place where it was all elderly people in apartment type units. She has been living there for about 6 or 7 months and made a few casual old people friends but mostly kept to herself (so I thought). A couple weeks ago my boys and I were visiting my mom (we live right down the street and visit often) when a woman walks up to us with my mom. I extended my hand to introduce myself to this woman when she dismissed the handshake and instead went in for a hug and said “oh I only do hugs for family and we’re pretty much family!” Ok, a little weird coming from someone I’ve never met before, and also never even heard a single mention of her but I pretty much brush it off thinking to myself that she’s probably just really lonely or something.

I asked my mom about this new friend and she just says that they met there at the old people place and she’s been a really good friend to her. Great, I love when my mom has friends, it’s important to have friends…. But this woman just keeps giving me weird vibes and I can’t pinpoint why. A few things that seem odd to me:

1. my mom is moving to a more traditional apartment complex this weekend and this new friend liked the new apartment complex so much that she decided to move to the same place as well. Her apartment isn’t ready yet but she’ll be moving to the same complex as my mom next month.

2. she apparently bought my moms dog a “I have the world’s best auntie,” sweatshirt for Christmas (they had known each other for maybe 2 months at that point)

3. she called the other day to, I don’t really know why, I guess to give me her phone number and more formally “introduce” herself to me. She talked about doing a lot of care taking stuff for my mom (“oh, I can manage her medications for her if you want,”) so I replied that while I appreciate the offer, there’s a lot of controlled medications and hospice prefers to keep minimal people involved in the medicine stuff and that taking on caretaking responsibilities for a friend can get exhausting so it might be best for them to just focus on being friends rather than her wearing herself out trying to take care of her. She IMMEDIATELY went to my mom and made it sound like I was shit talking my own mom saying how she’s just an exhausting person blah blah. When I confronted new friend about going to my mom and relaying our private conversation in a totally twisted way the friend lied and said that my mom had grabbed her phone and read it all in the text messages (it was over the phone and not at all via text messages). When I pointed out there were no texts she just kind of stumbled and I dropped it because I knew it wouldn’t get anywhere.

4. every time I talk to my mom on the phone I can hear this woman telling her what to say or adding comments in. And none of it is outwardly worrisome things but it feels like I can’t have any conversation with just my mom.

I’m a very trusting person who generally tries to see the best in people. And this woman has not given me any concrete reasons to doubt her intentions and has in fact been very friendly and polite to me in all of our interactions. Nonetheless, I can’t shake this feeling that there’s something wrong here.

I sat my mom down yesterday and had a conversation with her about my feelings towards this new friend and she didn’t get defensive at all but disagreed with me and said that her new friend is just being kind in offering to help with stuff because she knows my mom is not the most organized of people and could use the help. I begged my mom to please be cautious and to take the friendship slow and to keep it simply as a friendship and let me, her actual family, handle caretaking stuff.

Despite no changes in medications, my mom has been more confused lately and comes across to me like she’s over taken medication but I only give her one dose at a time and the rest is locked up at all times so it isn’t that. But just to be safe, since she’s more confused lately I took my mom’s credit and debit cards so no one can take advantage of her financially.

Reddit, please help me figure out what this woman would have to gain in coming between my mom and I if it isn’t medication or money. I don’t know how to do a background search or if that’s legal for any random person to do. But I did look this new friend up on a couple websites and all I learned from that is that she has a lot of “also known as” names but I can’t find anything else. I’ll pay for a background search if anyone has a recommendation for good ones (we’re in California). Does any of this raise any red flags to anyone else or am I just being too over protective of my mom on this?

Oh, I almost forgot. I called one of my mom’s oldest and closest friends the other day and asked her if she’s met his new friend and if so, what was her impression. She said “honestly, I don’t know why I feel like this, but o just get a bad feeling about her. I just feel like she’s up to no good,” Hearing this made me feel better in that I’m not the only one to pick up on something but I don’t know what, if anything, to do about it all.

Update Feb 26, 2024

original post here

Thank you so much for all of the responses and heartfelt advice. I’m so sorry to have been MIA for so long after I originally posted, but it’s just been a lot. I needed to take a beat to take it all in and deal with the punches from real life that kept coming my way.

Immediately after I posted last, I went to talk with my mom. I explained my concerns and she agreed to the two cameras I put up in her apartment. On moving day I was out of the apartment for a few minutes taking my kids back to my house when I logged onto the camera app to test out the settings. I overheard my mom and the “friend” talking about me. It was not very nice and very much seemed like the “friend” was just teeing things up to come between my mom and I. My mom was playing right into it.

The “Friend” (I’ll just call her Fran to make it easier) was gone when I got back to the apartment but I got into it with my mom. I was crying telling her how hurtful it is to hear my own mother participating in a negative conversation about me after everything I do and have done for her. She cried, I cried, it was awful. But at the end I had at least convinced her that Fran was up to no good. Mom agreed to create some distance between her and Fran and she immediately told Fran that her behavior towards me was not going to fly any longer & all talk of anything to do with me was off limits. Fran seemed to understand and blamed her behavior towards me on some flimsy excuse that I didn’t buy for a second. All was calm for a week or so when one morning I called my mom to check in on her only to find out she was with Fran out running errands. When I pushed for more information I uncovered that Fran had taken my mom to the bank so that my mom could obtain a new debit card (Fran very much knew I had taken my moms debit card, with my mom’s blessing, because my mom was having episodes of increased confusion and wasn’t aware of who or what she was spending money on) because my mom had forgotten she had given me her previous debit card.

That was the final straw for me. That night I sent Fran the following text message: “Hi (Fran), mom told me about you guys going to the bank today to get a card and I just wanted to let you know that I know i know my mom appreciates your friendship but that I do not appreciate your getting yourself involved in things you have no business being involved in. Mom and I have her finances under control between the two of us and we do not need any assistance getting her squared away, no matter how “well meaning.” She’s asked me to take her card again (the new one) and has put me as the main account holder so I can be sure she has access to what she needs but that no one else does. I want to believe you’re coming from a sincere place of just wanting to help my mom but it complicates friendships greatly when you get into financial territory. I handle all of my mom’s finances and medical stuff and it’s working for us that way. My mom very much appreciates having you as her friend but she doesn’t need a care taker, I’ve got that covered. If you sincerely want to be her friend, you need to take ten giant steps back and check yourself regarding how you are coming across to me. Because from my perspective it very much looks like you are dancing precariously close to the elder abuse line and I’m sure you wouldn’t want to me to get the authorities involved here but that’s exactly what will happen if things continue down this path.”

Fran responded with some bs reply akin to “oh my word! I would NEVER take advantage of anyone and I just wanted to help your mom blah blah blah… oh, and I think you and I have gotten off on the wrong foot (daughter), which is my fault but I’d like to start over again…more blah blah blah”

I never replied to Fran further and she has (shockingly/s) not really reached out to my mom since. I believe she is due to move into the apartment complex this weekend though so we shall see if she pops back up out of the woodwork. I think she understands that I see through her attempts to come between my mom and I and that she’ll need to focus her efforts to scam people somewhere else.

I notified my mom’s hospice nurses and her social worker as well. I also bought a really super cool medication dispenser (I won’t name it because I’m not plugging anything but feel free to reach out to me if anyone has family members that they need some help managing medications for, it’s expensive and probably cost prohibitive for a lot of folks but it has been a game changer for me to keep my moms medicine safe and organized) that is locked and syncs up to an app so I get notified every time it dispenses a medication. That made me feel much better about Fran not having any access whatsoever to my mom’s prescriptions but the trip to the bank showed me exactly what Fran was after. I notified the bank that if Fran is with my mom, they are to contact me immediately.

All in all, I think most of you were correct, Fran was using my mom for money, or she was trying to but luckily I caught it before much damage was done. I think I’ve made my position on Fran clear to her which is why she is staying away. I think I still need to contact the Independent Living Facility about my concerns with Fran because (I swear I’m not making this is) my mom says that Fran is going to be working at the Independent Living facility after she moves out. And I don’t want her being in a position to take advantage of anyone else.

Thank you again to everyone who replied and reached out to me with resources and/or advice. I read every reply and I actually read a number of them to my mom as well. It really helped her to see Fran for who she really is.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/MyKeysWereStolen

My MIL stole my collection of vintage skeleton keys to sell at pawn and buy herself a new phone

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole, EntitledPeople and OOP's own page

Thank you to u/queenlegolas & u/e_l_r for suggesting this BoRU

Thanks to u/gdude0000 for finding the new update

Previous BoRU 

OOP originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole but I'm using the EntitledPeople posts as they have more details and information

TRIGGER WARNING: >!theft, emotional abuse and manipulation, verbal abuse, financial abuse, gaslighting!<

MOOD SPOILER: >!OOP has become insufferable and I no longer even want to play him a tiny violin.!<

Original Post  Feb 7, 2024

My best friend recommended reddit to begin with has suggested this subreddit. And even said I should have posted here first. I'm dividing the post into two halves to make it easier to read.

My MIL is insanely entitled. And my wife's enabling of her has made our marriage very hard at times. MIL has come to us for money a lot because she keeps spending herself into a hole since she's a hoarder and a shopaholic. Her house is full of garbage, junk, and unopened stuff she never uses. The house is rodent infested too. She has one semi-clean room in the whole building. And it's the master bedroom. She's mocked it up like a little studio apartment with a futon to sleep on and use as a couch, an entertainment center with TV and streaming, and a makeshift kitchen consisting of the adjoining bathroom, a mini-fridge and a microwave. MIL's also overweight because she eats out a lot.

Recently MIL came to us wanting me specifically to buy her a new smartphone as an unprompted gift. And she threw a massive fit when I refused. And I mean a child temper tantrum kind of fit. Why did she want a new phone so suddenly? Hers was two years old, that's literally it. As far as I know, it still worked fine. Even my wife has confirmed this. But MIL was resolute that she deserved a new phone. And before leaving, MIL yelled at us that we're supposed to be pampering her now that she's an old woman. She's 53. My wife also didn't want to buy her mother the phone because she gave her money not long before to make sure her bills were paid.

I have quite a collection of vintage skeleton keys. And I mean good ones. Like ones to particular hotels, the large ornate Sargents, brass railroad keys, Reading Hardware, etc. My collection as a whole should easily be worth two to three thousand dollars. Some of those keys are super rare. I kept them in a locked display cabinet. But a few days ago I came home to find my entire collection gone. The cabinet had been forced open. I checked the CCTV for the living room, and saw my MIL force open the cabinet with a small crowbar. She then put all the keys in a couple of boxes she'd brought with her and left with them. I called MIL right away and demanded she return my collection. She nonchalantly told me she sold the entire collection at pawn already, and used the money for her new phone. Then said it was my fault, and she had to do it because I wouldn't give her the money.

My wife was seemingly on my side, until I said I was going to call police. She begged me to just drop it. And even suggested I just start a new collection. I refused to let it go, because a lot of those keys are not only expensive, they're irreplaceable. I spent 10 years building that collection. But my wife kept blowing up at me and telling me to just let it go. So I slept in the guest room that night and sought online help the next day when my best friend told me to try Reddit. I'd been a lurker before. But making an account wasn't hard. My MIL has been trouble in the past. But this was the first time I know of that she'd stolen from us. I needed help, so I asked here. The resounding advice finally made me pull my head out of my bum to realize I was the only one keeping my marriage afloat. And it would likely never get any better if my wife wasn't on my side when her own mother steals something irreplaceable from me.

Now to answer some quick questions I got before.

1: How did MIL get into the house? My wife unilaterally gave her a key when we moved in, that's why.

2: Why did I have CCTV cameras in the living room? Really? Wouldn't you do that if you had something valuable on display there?

3: Is MIL on drugs? No idea, she's always been crazy.

4: Did MIL steal from us before? Not that I have been able to tell. And I've checked everything I could think of.

5: what kind of phone did MIL get? Not a clue. But probably one of the cheaper smartphones with the amount of money she got selling my stuff. Unless she's on a payment plan.

6: Did my wife use my money to placate her mother before? Yes she did. We primarily have separate accounts. But we do have a joint account we pay the bills with. So it's not used for savings. In two years of marriage, I'd say it happened roughly 5 times. Every time my wife took money from the joint account for her mother, she always replaced it on her next payday. Though in hindsight, I think she only did so because she knew I'd never let it go, because she would always have an attitude with me for a few days after. I was in a bad marriage fog before. But this whole situation has snapped me right out of it.

7: Will I lock down my credit? Already I have. Though I'm not sure my wife or her mother would be so stupid to do something like that after MIL was recently arrested.

I have gotten my collection back, and hidden it somewhere my wife and MIL have no idea where it is. I'll provide more detail in another post tomorrow.

Edit: Since it keeps being mentioned, yes I did call police, yes an arrest was made, yes my wife is a soon to be ex. Know that I'm taking many precautions right now.

Update 1  Feb 8, 2024

Back to what happened that day, police did come and take my statement a bit over an hour after I called the non-emergency line. I had video footage, and the documentation of my collection ready. And then there was some texts I went out of my way to get from MIL to bait her into a confession. I wanted as much evidence as possible so she couldn't lie to police. When I texted her demanding she get my collection back. She actually LOL'ed and told me not a chance. And even boasted that she thought I was a pathetic son-in-law, and my key collection was tacky anyway. I told her to at least tell me what pawn shop she sold the keys to so I could go buy them back, and how much they paid her for them. And the dimwit admitted it all right away with glee in text. I had everything I needed for the police before they even showed up.

The cops took the whole matter more seriously than I thought. I was worried they'd call it a civil matter since the thief was my MIL, and she had a key to the house. But they arrested MIL before long. And police went to the pawn shop before it closed to retrieve my collection. I got it all back from police after a couple of days. And for the moment I've put the collection in a safe secure place that no one can get to. The pawn shop pretty much gave up the entire key collection to police right away like it was a bag of hot potatoes. Though I scrutinized every important key brought back, as far as I can tell it's all there. That was a huge sigh of relief. I took time off work and barely slept for two days because of this ordeal. Also, the cabinet MIL broke into is pretty much a loss since she mangled the lock and doors prying it open. Thankfully it wasn't an antique, and just something I got used for $50. So I'm just going to take it to the dump sooner or later.

From her texts before, I found out MIL sold the whole collection to the pawn for a whopping total of $300! >_< For a collection of hundreds of antique keys valued at two to three grand as a total, that low number felt like a punch in the gut to me. Likely the pawn broker knew how valuable the collection could be as a whole. I mean, it's not like hitting a jackpot or anything. But money is still money. Especially when a dumb little lady walks in with a box of goodies. Anyone else hear Mr. Krabs laughing? Anyway, the cost of repayment to the shop was supposed to be on MIL. But my wife paid them back out of our joint account instead. From what the shop owner said, MIL told them the key collection belonged to her deceased husband. And she was sick of the whole collection sitting in storage. So they believed her. But just to be clear, she's not a widow. Her husband divorced her and left the state around 15 years ago. MIL lives off social security and foodstamps. She also holds garage sales every few months. And she often demanded our soda and beer cans so she could get the deposit money recycling them. MIL doesn't drive, she gets around on an electric scooter that tows a bicycle trailer. She lives in a long paid off house, and she would not be having money troubles if she wasn't overspending every month. And she always counts on my wife to pick up the slack when she comes up short.

My wife and I got in a huge fight when she got home because I had her mother arrested. But I told her I'm done with her enabling of her toxic mother. I said I was changing the locks ASAP and banning her mother from the house. And I also said that either we got marriage counseling, or I'd be inquiring about my options for separation from an attorney. I thought my wife would beg me not to do that. But instead she just called me horrible, packed a suitcase and walked out to go to a motel. I just sat on the couch and let her go. She repeatedly looked like she was waiting for me to ask her to stay. But I didn't.

In the morning she texted me she'd be bailing her mother out, and wanted me transfer her the money to pay for it since I was the one who got her mother arrested. When I said no, all I got back was a sarcastic "Wow!", and that was it. Not too long later I had a gut feeling and checked the balance on the shared bank account. And my wife had taken out a lot of money. I wasn't sure if all that was needed for bail, so I called the pawn shop later. The owner confirmed my wife had come in and paid him back the $300 that he'd paid her mother for the keys. He was also quite angry and said he didn't want any of us in his shop ever again. I understood his anger, and weirdly enough had a fairly long talk with this guy. And he understands now that I'm not part of the crazy.

I tried to call and text my wife for hours. But she didn't answer. That evening I managed to find her. I knew which motel she'd likely go to, and I was right. It was both cheap and not far away. I found her car, and then figured out which room she was in. She looked positively shocked to see me when she opened the door. I confronted her about the money she'd used from our shared account. She basically said that since I refused to pay her mother's bail after I was the one who had her arrested, she got the money from me another way. Then smugly stated she wasn't paying that money back into the shared account this time, and told me that's the karma I get, before shutting the door in my face. Then said through the door she'd call the cops on me if I didn't leave. The smug look she'd given me reminded me of nasty teenage girls when they get their way. It really ticked me off.

I already knew my marriage was pretty much over. But that night it really sank in. I had a long sit-down with some old video games and cola to think about my future. The house is rented, so I'm not renewing my half of the lease, and will soon be apartment hunting. The last month of the lease is March. But I may leave sooner, depending on how soon I can find an apartment. We have no kids yet, thank god. So that's another thing I currently have in my favor.

The next day I changed the locks on the house and removed all of my money from the joint bank account, and stopped all automated payments to and from it. I made sure to take only the amount of money I'd put into the account. There was still more than enough in it for me to break even and still leave the minimum required balance on the account. Either way the cost of MIL's bail and paying back the pawn shop was now entirely out of my wife's pocket now. And I don't think she's noticed yet. But it shouldn't be long.

I've been to a couple different divorce lawyers already, and I picked the second one since the first seemed like they were only there for a paycheck. I'll have the divorce papers served soon. I loved my wife, but it's clear she didn't love me. So I can't stay with her anymore. She can have her thieving hoarder mommy all to herself now. We both have very comparable incomes, so I'll be pushing for a clean split divorce. This woman didn't deserve me, and I fell for her act. She didn't want a husband, she wanted an insurance plan. I'll be clear on this, I won't be changing my mind about divorce. My soon to be ex-wife can beg and love-bomb all she wants, if she even bothers to. I've never been her #1. And I'm not gonna settle for being #2 in my own marriage. It. Is. Over!

Edit: Yes I asked the landlord to allow me to change the locks. He was all for it when I told him what happened. All I had to do was mail him a copy of the new key. He doesn't want my MIL to ever have a key to the house again.

Here's some pics of part of my collection  Feb 3, 2024

6 Pictures of a variety if old keys

Update 2 - Had my wife served for divorce since she sided with her key stealing entitled mother  Feb 9, 2024

Just because I found the thought of it humorous, I'll be referring to my wife as Wifey a lot from now on. Also, I know I seem like I'm posting too fast. But remember this originally started around 10 days ago, and I've not wasted time in getting the divorce started. I also apologize for the length of this post as I could not keep it short.

It really didn't take me long to find and hire a divorce lawyer. And she's mean! Yes, my lawyer is a woman. And she seems pretty good at her job. She asked me a couple of times if I was really sure I wanted to do this. But once I explained my full story to her and showed some evidence, she agreed with me when I said I wanted to start ASAP. So she got the ball rolling. Oh this divorce is going to cost me. But I don't care. I'll rebuild my savings later as a free man. I didn't even want to rent the house I'm currently living in anyway. Wifey pushed for that. I'd have been happy staying in our old apartment we used to share until we could have actually afforded to buy a house together instead. But that's obviously never happening. I'll be paying a lot less for an apartment once we separate.

Before coming home, Wifey spent some time at a cheap motel when she bailed her mother out of jail. And she even threatened to call police on me when I went to see her there. I changed the locks with my landlord's permission while Wifey was still away, and sent her a text saying I'd done so. But I guess she'd not bothered to look since she never responded. So upon returning home she ended up pounding on the door and screaming at me to let her in. I just watched her through the doorbell cam and let her keep it up for a while before she finally got on her phone to call me. I was already walking home from having had dinner with my best friend when she called, and I pointed out the text she'd not bothered to read. When I got home to let her in, she was puffy-cheeked, teary eyed, and red with a bit of cat-butt-face. I had a new key ready for her, and told her if she gave a copy to her mother again, I'd be notifying our landlord, as they were already very angry she'd given her mother a key to begin with. Not sure what the landlord could have done. But it was enough to make Wifey comply for the moment. Plus, I'm not gonna be living here much longer anyway.

My MIL still believes she did absolutely nothing wrong, and is playing victim to Wifey every chance she gets. She's not allowed over anymore, for obvious reasons. And I've been repeatedly called a monster by her and Wifey. I've never been more glad that MIL has no friends, because then she'd be telling them all her convoluted version of the story to paint me as a villain, I just know it. She was told how much my key collection is roughly worth, and what kind of felony charges she could be facing. Though my collection was returned fully intact. So she may get the charges lessened. I'd like to hope she gets a decent punishment at least. But I'm not really counting on the system to throw the book at a manipulator like her.

As I said in my previous post, Wifey also paid her mother's bail and what she owed to the pawn shop with money out of our joint bank account, and then smugly told me that she wouldn't be putting the money back. Basically that was a terrible power move, and her only way to try and put all the cost on me. I've since removed everything I had in that account, and stopped all future payments to it so she can't spend my money too. And I've changed my passwords to pretty much everything. Wifey flipped the hell out on me for it once she finally checked the account a couple days ago, because that meant that what she paid for MIL's bail and reimbursing the pawn shop was all in her money only. And now there was no more access to my funds to supplement her own with. I just ignored her tantrum and went into the home office to watch anime on my computer. She banged on the door for a while demanding I talk to her. I just stayed quiet and put on headphones.

Wifey has repeatedly demanded I drop all charges against her mother, and even said that if I really loved her, I would not only stop all this, I'd cover the cost too. When I kept refusing, she moved into the spare bedroom. She tried to kick me out of the master bedroom first. But I made it clear I'm not giving up the master bedroom when she's the one at fault. She tried to start taking my stuff out, but I just blocked her while pointing my finger at her face and said "NO!" like I was talking to a dog. She ended up crying and saying I was demeaning her. But I didn't care. Then for some more deception on her part, she admitted to me out of pure spite that until this mess had started, she'd been planning on letting her mother come live with us full time soon because of the state of her hoarder house. She boasted that she was just gonna move her in while I was at work. I told her we were supposed to be equal partners before this all happened. And I was sick of her unilateral decision making. And as long as I'm paying 50% of the lease, her mother will not be living here. And if she tried, I'd throw all her mother's stuff out immediately. Wifey looked like she wanted to explode, and stormed off to have a drink and a loud phone-call with her mother in the kitchen. I just started removing her stuff from the master bedroom and left it in the other room for her. I've put a new lock on the door to the master bedroom too.

I had Wifey served at her job, which she said really embarrassed her in front of her colleagues. And she flipped out on me again once she got home. Apparently she didn't take my threats of divorce seriously until those papers were actually in her hands. She said I couldn't do this. But I told her I was done. She made it more than clear where she stands. I told her I learned a rather interesting phrase online. When people show you who they really are, believe them. And she's clearly shown me who she really is. And it's not the woman I fell in love with. That woman disappeared and got replaced with an entitled mommy's girl who refuses to act her age right after we got married. Which makes it pretty obvious she did that intentionally. At this point, I don't think she ever loved me. Just my wallet. I can't stay married to a woman who conned me into marrying her. Then she started screaming at me that she wasn't a gold digger. So I asked her if she'd have been inclined to stay married to me if I'd done the all same things to her. She tried to deny it at first, then looked around like she was trying to find a better answer. Then she just gaslit to deflect as usual. But I had none of it.

I told her right then and there that I'm not renewing the lease on the house with her because I don't want to live with a petulant woman-child I can't trust. And if she wants to keep the house, she can go ahead and start a new lease to move her mother in once I'm gone. Finally that's when the real waterworks started. She said I was destroying our family. And I said "What family!?" and pointed out how we don't have kids, and her mother is more important to her than me. We. Have. No. Family! Then I just walked away. She loudly cried in the living room for hours, but I ignored her. Now she's giving me the hardcore silent treatment, and won't look me in the eyes. I'm actually enjoying it. Which just seems to make her angrier.

As an added bonus, I warned my current landlord about Wifey wanting to move her mother in. I gave him all the details I had about MIL, the state of her hoarder house, and how much of a deceptive mommy's girl Wifey is. And warned him that if he let my MIL live in any property he owns, she would turn it into an utter disaster. He thanked me for telling him, and is now not going to let Wifey renew the lease on her own if she tries. He'll be advertising the property soon. Wifely has no idea yet, and likely would have only just barely been able to afford the house with her mother's help anyway.

One more thing. Yesterday someone warned me to take my name off the joint bank account entirely so I would not be on the hook for any overdraft. I took that to heart and went to the bank to get it done. Only took a few minutes to do it, and the bank is ten minutes away by car. All good now. I've been working from home lately, so I had the time. All statements from the account were already printed and given to my lawyer too. So I can wash my hands of it.

Edit: I don't know if it's the same rules everywhere. But the bank had no problem removing my name from the account as a cosigner when I pushed for it. There were no debts on the account, and had plenty more than the minimum balance. The bank likely did tell Wifey. But whether or not she knows I did it, it does not matter as she's currently not talking to me.

Edit 2: I've noticed a few comments pointing out how it was completely unnecessary I pointed out my lawyer is a woman. Looking back on it, I did write that like a complete jerk. I was just rather excited in the moment about it. No that's not an excuse, I acknowledge that. But how quickly this lawyer helped me just made me so happy. I'll make sure not to sound like such an idiot when speaking of her again from now on.

The reason why I'm so broken and vindictive now  Feb 11, 2024

Let me be clear on some details. I've been told many times that I'm condescending, twisting things, acting like a douche, etc. Well apart from how hotblooded I got from all this, I'll tell you about the crap I dealt with before coming to reddit.

My wife used to act very different around me the three years we were together before getting married. She was kind, regularly scolded her mother if she did anything bad, didn't expect me to help her mother with anything either. She acted like she was perfect around me. Her mother was also a lot kinder and more apologetic toward me before I married her daughter. She was believe it or not, kinda a sweet lady. Apart from her being a hoarder, I used to be very sympathetic towards her. And I hoped she'd get better. But things only got worse after saying my vows.

As soon as we were back from the honeymoon, my wife and MIL were very different. Things became very their way or the highway. And I was treated like the bad guy by her and her mother for even having a different opinion on something. They regularly ganged up on me when they wanted to make me wrong about things. Wifey became a total brat, and was acting like a rebellious teenager at home. Our bedroom life became pretty dead too. In part because I get migraines, but also because she was never in the mood. We hadn't been intimate in four months before I even posted in AITA here. I have a bit of a low drive, so it didn't bother me too much. But she rarely initiated unless she had something to be happy about.

Wifey remained her other self outside in front of people. She just took her mask off at home once she'd trapped me in this marriage. I've already explained the smug bratty attitude she had towards me when she used our shared bank account to pay her mother's bail and reimburse the pawn shop, and then acted like that money would be out of my half of the account. Or about her smug attitude when admitting she'd been planning to have her mother come live with us without asking if I thought it was ok. I can't take it anymore. She's made unilateral decisions on so much these past few years. Even giving MIL a spare house key was all her. And that's what got my collection stolen.

And before MIL stole my collection, I just shut up and took the abuse from them both like the good little boy they wanted me to be. Why? Because I thought I was in love. I was deep in a marriage fog. But then people here pulled me out. It feels like I'm married to a spoiled teenager that wants to tell me to talk to the hand if I even want to have a frank discussion about anything unless we're in public. I get that this behavior has been deeply ingrained into her by her mother. But she refused any sort of counseling. If she'd agreed to the counseling and believed the counselor would have agreed with her, I'd know she'd need help. But the way she acts tells me she knows exactly what she's doing, and doesn't care.

I didn't even want the house we're living in. But Wifey made it her hill to die on. I wanted to save so we could actually by a house in a few years instead. But she wanted to keep up with the jonses. And distance from her mother wasn't a factor. Our old apartment was actually closer to MIL. Wifey just really wanted the house, and practically said it was happening whether I liked it or not. Sure the extra space was nice. But I had to buy most of the new furniture.

I'm miserable here! That's why I got so hotblooded. And many here think I'm going scorched earth. I'm not. I could have actually done far worse. All I want is out of this house, and out of this marriage.

I am regretful that I had my wife served at her job. That went too far. But that's one of the few things I regret in this situation. And please, don't blame that on my lawyer. That decision was all me. I wanted some payback, and I made a bad call. But I can't undo it now that it's already been done. Wifey is still giving me the silent treatment. And we've been acting completely indifferent towards each other. I'd be completely fine if it stays this way till I can move out.

##NEW UPDATES *

Wifey broke her silence, tried to seduce me, and is scrambling to find an apartment now  Feb 24, 2024

The fact that this was predicted so well by so many people here is kinda frightening. But it only seems to prove what a big stereotype Wifey is.

After roughly a week of the silent treatment from her, Wifey couldn't keep it up anymore and started love-bombing. She even tried to make me dinner and get me drunk. I told her while she was cooking that I wouldn't touch anything she made. For one, she's a terrible cook. And secondly, I don't trust her not to put something in the food. She made overcooked hamburgers and I didn't touch them or the  alcohol provided. I mean, the beer was already opened. She cried and said I was being mean by not eating her food. And I coldly said it was because I can't trust her anymore. She retorted that it wasn't like she'd cheated on me or anything. I said back that she may as well have cheated since her mother was always more important to her than me, the man she married. You can't keep a marriage by treating your spouse as secondary.

Wifey changed the subject by breaking down crying again and begged that if I stopped the divorce, we could get the marriage counseling I'd wanted, and she'd never try to have her mother live with us. I told her it was far too late. She had her chance, and blew it badly. She already made it VERY clear where she'll always stand. In the past two years she made no effort to get better, and only acted nicer in public. Why would I want to stay in that sort of toxic relationship? She had to answer truthfully for once and admitted that she likely would have left me if I'd done the same stuff to her. But she still kept trying to convince me not to divorce, and that we could work it out. I had to just walk away and go into the office again.

Wifey didn't stop, and even tried to initiate intimacy multiple times. She walked around the house in lingerie a lot, and even my favorite of wearing nothing but a lacy apron. She hasn't done that for me since our honeymoon, even when I asked. She tried touching me in places, running her fingers in my hair, and getting on her knees to try to entice me. I didn't take her bait and stonewalled. She ended up gaslighting me with the "Am I not good enough!?" line. I told her she used to be. But I just can't see her that way anymore.

Wifey left me alone to hit the bottle hard after I said that, and she wound up puking in the kitchen. I wouldn't put it past her to try and babytrap or frame me at this point. I even lock the door when I sleep, and I've installed a hidden camera in the room. I want out of this house. But I can't leave yet until I can get into my new place.

Wifey later doubled down while sobbing when nothing was working on me and begged again that I don't go through with the separation and divorce. But I've already found an apartment that'll be vacant some time in early to mid March. I've also notified all of the utilities of the change as well. Wifey's now freaking out even more because now she has to find an apartment for herself right away. I don't really care where she'll end up. I'm just happy I'll be free of this house soon. I've also made sure not to tell her where my upcoming apartment is located. And she's tried to get that info out of me three times already.

As soon as my new apartment is ready, I'll start moving stuff in. I'll be taking the bed from the guest room when I go. I paid for it after all. And it'll be easier to move since it's a queen size, and what's in the master bedroom is a king. I'm a light sleeper. So having a comfortable bed is a must. My wife can have the bulk of the furniture. She can either leave it for the next tenant, or she can sell it. I don't care anymore.

The apartment I'll be moving into is a one bedroom. The previous tenant left it in a sorry state. So it needs some remodeling. But I picked that specific one because not only will the rent will be far cheaper than the house, I'll be much closer to my job. Like, I could walk or bike to work from there. And I just might. I haven't ridden a bike in years because I never could get Wifey to. Yet another thing she's held me back from. So when I move out, one of the first things I'm gonna do is buy a bike.

Edit: To clarify, Wifey is the only one who's been drinking. I've avoided it for a while now.

To those who think they know me, Plus small update  Feb 26, 2024

To those who've been supportive of my situation. I deeply thank you all. It's the advice that I've gotten from so many of you that helped me push through this.

To those who kept telling me I'm an idiot or some derogatory statement for filing for divorce, that I'm making a huge mistake, or that my wife loves me and I should give her another chance. Kindly shut the hell up! None of you have lived with this woman, or her mother. They were both very different people before I married my wife. You only judged me on her love-bombing behavior from my last post. But she's a talented actress. She spent three years acting, then took her mask off after ensnaring me at the alter for a marriage that was for her convenience. So an act was all her love-bombing was. She doesn't love me. She loves the financial security of being married to me. She loved ordering me to do what she wanted with my money. She made renting this damn house a hill to die on. She practically ordered me to buy all the new furniture. And MIL was constantly testing the waters to see what she could get me to do. She practically ordered me to buy her a new phone as some sort of power move, and then flipped out when I refused. Then stole and sold my collection to get that new phone as a stupid attempt at revenge that backfired badly for her.

And to those calling me stupid for filing for divorce, or getting my MIL arrested over old keys. YOU CAN REALLY SHUT THE HELL UP! This wasn't just about the keys. It was just the last straw. Those keys are NOT worthless. Granted they don't have value like vintage jewelry. But some of those keys are actually worth hundreds on their own. And having more of the same brand of key, like Sargents and Reading Hardware, their values stack. It's by no means a worthless collection. And even if it was, it wouldn't matter because it has value to me.

And to all those upset over me using the word "Wifey" too much, I get it! But just saying "My wife" didn't feel right anymore, because this woman is only my wife on paper now. I also have never once  called my wife "Wifey" in person. That's exclusively on Reddit. I'll possibly replace Wifey with STBEX or something later. But the separation doesn't start till I move out. And calling her Wifey isn't nearly as bad as the nicknames some other people have come up with for their ex's or MILs on this site. I was tempted to call MIL something like Grabby Gabby. And tempted to call my wife something like Mommy's Girl, or Mini-Mia. But I didn't. I just said Wifey. Which feels far less insulting than any of those other things, and easy to understand who I'm talking about. I agree I used it too much. But live through what I've lived through with her, and I think you might be inclined to say something similar.

I was asked if I've had several past failed relationships. Sorry to disappoint, but no. My wife was my first. We met on a blind date set up by friends. My wife was my first date, first girlfriend, first to hold hands with, first kiss, first in bed with. She admitted to having had two prior boyfriends that she had been intimate with. And I had zero issue with that. I fell in love, and we moved in together after two years of dating and I proposed. Then we got married on year three. But right after the honeymoon, my wife's mask came off. She became demanding, controlling, always seemed to put her mother first, and acted like a bratty teenager at home. I tried to have a frank discussion with her many times about various things. But I basically got "Talk to the hand" as she always brushed me off. It became her way or the highway. So I'm taking the highway.

And for those wondering about the case against my MIL, it's still open. And even if I wanted to drop charges, which I don't, MIL sold stolen property. So I'll probably be seeing her in court in a few months. MIL hasn't dared to come near the house since I had her arrested. I have put up more hidden cameras. First one in the bedroom I sleep in, and the other in the office I spend much of my time. And I repositioned the living room camera. I haven't cooked anything in the house since Wifey came back from the motel. I've been mostly surviving off canned and store food. The store food being things like salads and roast chicken. And I only use disposable plastic utensils. I also eat at my best friend's house a fair bit.

Now onto something new. I noticed no one has asked what my friends think about all this. Well my best friend and his wife are pretty much 100% on my side. They were there to see how my wife and MIL treated me these past two years. I've also got several more friends, men and women, who know what's going on. And they have sided with me. This even includes formerly mutual friends who stopped hanging out with my wife some time ago after they saw what she was really like. However, all of them aren't getting involved. Some wanted to. But I didn't want to make my problem into their problem too. Only my best friend is somewhat involved, and other than advising me to go to Reddit,  he's just been helping by storing my stuff till I can move. My wife does seem to have some friends on her side. However, she only says this to me. I've not seen or heard from any of them. Nor do I feel inclined to snoop. It'll only become my problem if flying monkeys get involved. My MIL has no friends. Even my wife confirms this. So she's basically her mother's best friend.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Irriaofdusk. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole

Mood Spoiler: >!OOP seems happy with the outcome!<

Original Post: February 24, 2024

I (30f) have been with my boyfriend (30m) for just shy of a decade. He’s a very clean cut guy and very professional in appearance. I on the other hand have a sleeve of tattoos, dyed hair, and pierced ears. He WFH as a lead programmer for a company while I work as a manager/pet groomer. Despite our opposite looks and career choices, we have lots of interests and opinions in common, if anything I think our differences help balance us out.

Some background that may help add context to our relationship. I started getting tattoos before we met but my biggest piece was done 2 years ago. He’s not a big fan of tattoos and has absolutely no plan to ever get any (I’ve never pushed but I have asked if he’d get a tiny one with me) it’s not a big deal for me so after he said no, I’ve just left it. He wasn’t a fan of my big piece, but because I’ve had ink done before he voiced some concerns about the amount of money I’ve spent but left it at that.

Fast forward to this past month. I’ve always liked the jewelry that people with stretched ears get to wear. Some of it looks really cool/pretty and I, on a whim, decided I would stretch my current piercings. With the help and advice of a friend, I got a kit and have been working on stretching with the goal being about a 2g/0g max. When I first told him about this he voiced that he really did not like how they looked and he did not want me stretching to the point where you could look through my ear or fit a pencil. I told him not to worry and that I’d stop before I got to the generally accepted “point of no return.” Today I was moving up from a 10g to an 8g and he was watching me moisturize and sanitize my jewelry and ears. Once again he asked how big I was going and I showed him what a 2g looked like. He gave me an unpleasant look and explained that he again really hated how gages and stretched ears looked. He further went into explain that stretched ears were not my aesthetic as it was more “punk” where I fit more into “streetwear” or “gal” styles. He doesn’t like how they look and doesn’t think I’ll look good with them.

I was disheartened. I took out my jewelry, packed them up, and put them away to maybe discard. I’m now sitting here debating whether I should continue stretching because it’s something I want for myself or if I should honour his wishes and stop. I already pushed my luck with how many tattoos and how big they are so maybe I should give up on this one thing. I don’t want him to think I’m unattractive so I don’t want to change myself past what he’s willing to accept, but I also don’t want him to tell me what to do with my body.

So WIBTA if I continued stretching my ears after my boyfriend expressed how much he hates it?

Relevant Comments:

Why did you ask his opinion if you weren't going to consider it?

It’s not that I really asked for his opinion. I only brought it up to him the first time to just let him know that this was a thing I wanted to do because I was interested in it.

This exchange:

Commenter: This is so strange to me because you’ve been with this dude for a decade. I don’t really care for gauges, but if my partner of 10 years decided to get them, I wouldn’t LEAVE them. These comments are so wild to me.

OOP: A lot of comments have told me to think about whether my stretched ears are worth more than my long relationship. I did. I also thought about whether HE also would view it like that, would my stretched ears be worth ending a long relationship. It isn’t for me, and I would hope he feels the same.

OOP is voted NAH: no a-holes here

Update Post: February 26, 2024 (2 days later)

Thanks to everyone that weighed in. I spent some time reading as many comments as I could. I didn’t just read the comments saying NTA or NAH, I also read the ones that said YTA and some of the chains that went on a tangent about ear stretching. I couldn’t read them all but I did want to post an update and respond to some of the comments as a whole.

I told him last night that I have decided to stop stretching. He simply gave me a “hm” in response while we continued to make dinner and we haven’t talked about it since. I know I’m allowed to do with my body as I see fit, and he’s free to leave me if he wants. Neither him nor I look, act, or think like when we first met (some of the changes by choice and others because aging is a thing). Tastes have changed but I have still chosen him, I want to believe that he still continues to choose me.

This choice to stop was not because he told me to, but because as a lot of people have mentioned, relationships are a give and take. At almost a decade, what I do to my ears or not, is not a hill I’m willing to die on. To those of you who have showed concern about the language I used in my post, I am grateful for your concern and I whole heartedly believe this is a choice I made, and not a decision based on any fear of abandonment.

A few commenters asked how’s I’d like it if he changed himself in a way that I didn’t find attractive. Short answer is I don’t have an answer. I’d like to say at this point in our relationship, I am here because of who he is on the inside. While I do believe that to be my answer, I am a human and I am flawed; maybe there is a thing he could do, but I can’t think of anything.

I know it seems like I stretched my ears from a 14g to a 10g very quickly. You would be correct! I read several articles stating that I should wait a month or so. I have also read several posts from people with stretched ears that said to listen to my body. I won’t bore anyone with the details but I opted to listen to my body.

Finally, to the user concerned about stretched ears in my line of work; it’s not a hazard I assure you. My GM and a couple of my colleagues have gages and have never had a dog almost rip one. Your comment made me chuckle because if anything, we’re all more concerned about dogs kicking our tools than damage to our body/body mods and I regret not replying before I lost it in the sea of comments.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/ThrowRA_86739. She posted in r/TrueOffMyChest

A reminder- do NOT comment on the original posts.

Trigger Warning: >!infidelity; domestic abuse;!<

Mood Spoiler: >!scary but tentatively hopeful!<

Original Post: February 10, 2024

It feels like a cruel cruel joke- years before I met my husband I was in such a toxic, abusive relationship that it almost ended my life. I spent years in therapy, bettering myself, figuring out why I accepted that type of “love”

I stayed single for years, and once I started dating, I made sure to keep an eye out on all red flags. Heck, I even took things slowly when there was nothing but green flags. Thanks to my ex I was familiar with love bombing.

I met my husband at work event, and things just fell into place. I opened up and explained my past trauma, and let him know that if we were going to date that it would require a slow pace and patience. I won’t say that he was perfect, but he was always kind, compassionate, and cared.

We dated for about five years, engaged for one and married for a little over three years now. We recently bought our second home together, we both got promotions at work, so we sat down and talked about kids. He wanted a big family, and I only wanted one or two. We agreed on two, and well started trying.

It didn’t take long and here I am six months pregnant, still working, have swollen ankles and a back that won’t stop aching. Other than that I’ve been very happy and have what I thought was a supportive husband.

Three weeks ago, I found out that he was having an emotional affair, and honestly probably a physical one. When confronted with the evidence he admitted to not being attracted to me while pregnant. I’m wrecked. I haven’t gained unnecessary weight, I still take care of myself, even with the morning sickness that hasn’t gone away.

He’s not sorry about it, but you told me that I was being overdramatic when I cried, he is staying with his family until he can find a home to rent, he doesn’t want to get a divorce- he saying after the pregnancy is over we can go to therapy and fix things. I don’t want to.

I cannot physically look this man in the eye anymore without feeling disgust. I have a text from him saying that he’s my only option, because no man wants to date a single mom.

I’ll be talking to a lawyer and figuring out how to divorce him I just wanted to vent into the void today.

For now I’m going to DoorDash some nuggets and a frosty from Wendy’s and be OK if I gain 5 pounds from it thanks for listening well reading I suppose.

Relevant Comments:

Someone offers to buy OOP food:

Thank you for the offer! I already ordered my food and am stuffed.

If you’d like to head over to the free food subreddit and feed someone that’s in need, they need it more then I do ❤️

In response to a now deleted comment:

I don’t think you deserved the amount of dislikes for asking a question, maybe it was in the way you worded it. Who really knows.

• Emotional was how I decided to word it, because what else do I call just “talking”
• He was telling a very young naive woman- how hot she was, how he couldn’t wait to touch her body, telling her he loved her, but then claimed they never met. He would complain to her that I wasn’t “fun” anymore. There were obviously pictures sent back and forth due to comments, but the pictures were deleted.
• I asked him about all his “overtime” at work and he couldn’t give straight answers hence the physical aspect of things. This man went from working maybe 40 hours a week to 60 and I may be dealing with pregnancy but I’m not stupid.
• you didn’t ask this but I’m putting it here because people have brought it up and they may read this comment. I would never expect my husband or whatever you want to call him to find my changing body attractive, pregnancy is weird I think it’s beautiful but he or others don’t have to. What I did expect was him to not call me hideous to another woman, or to cheat especially while I’m growing a life we both wanted.

Why do you have to move?

We bought our home together and instead of fighting it out we’ll be selling and splitting assets, or at least I hope that’s how it will be.

Plus i just don’t want to be here in this house- it’s too big for just a baby and I plus the dog he just had to have that’s currently curled up in bed with me.

Clarification- have you moved out yet?

Oh I’m sorry! I’m still in the shared home- he moved out to stay with his family until he finds another place

Update (Same Post): February 12, 2024 (2 days later)

I’m making an edit because I’m not sure this sub will let me do an update post-

I was told I’m not allowed to change the locks due to it being his home as well and he came over last night knowing there wasn’t crap I could do to prevent it. Thankfully he only grabbed some personal belongings, threatened to take the dogs (he did not) and let me know he emptied our shared account. Part of me rolled my eyes and figured he wasn’t dumb enough to do that, and the other part made me make a mental note to check it once he left.

Sure enough our account has maybe $5 in it, he did a transfer which I’ll be calling the bank about and speaking to an attorney this afternoon. Thankfully my dad taught me you don’t fully mix finances so my savings wasn’t capable of being touched- and while it’s not a lot it’s enough to pay for the fees over the next few weeks.

I don’t have any family left so I think he’s doing a power play to make me feel like I’m alone and need him, when in all reality it’s lit a fire under my ass that I don’t want or need such a garbage person in my life.

Thank you to everyone that’s reached out with comments, kind messages and helpful advice.

Update Post 1: February 15, 2024 (3 days later, 5 from OG post)

I wanted to do an update with how many people took the time to send messages, leave comments and share their own personal stories- which especially helped make me not feel so alone.

As mentioned in an edited post- I was not allowed to change the locks on our house due to both of our names being on it. I never feared for my safety, it was more so an annoyance. He showed up to grab some personal belongings and I thought that what be the most that would happen. It was like he was trying to get a reaction from me- he told me he transferred funds and emptied out the account, I didn’t believe him until I saw it myself. That was both of our money, so that’s being dealt with currently.

He showed up the day before yesterday completely drunk, begging to talk, increasing in anger when I would just ignore him and walk away. It kept increasing so I went to grab my bag and walk down the road to a neighbors home so I wasn’t alone. He grabbed my arm to stop me and when i yanked it away, he slapped me- almost a backhanded open slap.

The cops were called, I didn’t have a mark on my face so it was a my word vs his- they escorted him off the property and I’m only now assuming he’s back with his parents now, he did throw a fit about the dogs and does have proof of ownership so im guessing he’ll be able to take them.

Went to leave to go for a drive to clear my head after everything and realized 3 of my 4 tires were flat, I know it was him but I don’t have proof. Insurance won’t cover it, so going to a tire shop on Friday morning. Just another drop in the bucket

As for the attorney I’ve had my consult and I’m waiting for my check to come in for my actual appointment and getting the ball moving on this.

There’s not any family left, and a few close friends are kept in the loop but I don’t want to burden them or treat them like unpaid therapists so I think that’s why I came back to reddit. Something therapeutic about just typing it all out into the void.

The baby/pregnancy is okay- I’ve actually lost weight, and the doctor has told me to avoid stressful situations and to take things easy.

I’ll be calling to see if I can change the locks on the home now and if not I’m going to start looking for places.

Relevant Comments:

It's ok to burden one of your friends. Otherwise you could stay in a women's shelter for safety:

"Staying with friends isn’t possible, a lot are out of state and lawyer mentioned abandonment of assets, plus my job and doctor are here.

I do have someone coming out and putting a few cameras up and thankfully the neighborhood is aware and keeping an eye out.

This is all short term of course and the goal is to leave, there’s just a ton of reasons why that can’t be right this moment"

"Unfortunately, all of my friends are out of state and too far away from my work, doctor, and I was recommended to stay on the property so he couldn’t go after me for abandoning the assets"

OOP's best friend:

Thank you- while I’m trying to do what I can and stay safe- my friends are on the other side of the us, what we’re doing right now is FaceTimes and phone calls. My best friend has outright said if she calls and I don’t call back within 5 minutes of our setup time she’s calling the police.

She also put in for some time off of work and wants to come up to help me look at places and just be there in general.

I’m not going to lie I’m struggling in every way possible and I’m scared but I know I have a support system to lean on.

Cameras:

My neighbor has some they’re letting me use until I can afford to buy some better ones- they have video but no audio. At this point I’m glad knowing I’ll at least have something.

I hope you get that money back:

I really hope so too, he seriously transferred everything but $5 from the checking and the savings ( which didn’t even have his name on it)

Wait how?

Yeah, we had a shared laptop and I didn’t think he could get into it but I’m somehow thinking he managed with passwords or something. I’ve filed a dispute with the bank and they’re investigating it, along with a fraud report at the police station.

The bank mentioned with it being my husband they may not approve the dispute, so that’s why I went and did a report at the police station.

Relationship with inlaws/can you start the divorce proceedings sooner than the birth?

While I would consider it a civil relationship with the in laws, they are his parents and in their eyes he can do no wrong. He’s an only child and they have a very very close relationship. His mother apologized on his behalf but asked me to put myself in his shoes. They’re choosing to wear blinders to the whole situation.

With the divorce that’s the whole attorney thing- I’ve done a free consultation, the attorney and I agreed with the assets and how things are going it won’t be a mediation(?) and will be a long expensive court battle knowing how spiteful he’s being.

They have recommended a police report on any issue to have it filed, to not block contact with him for proof of harassment and think the best course of action is selling the property and splitting assets.

Id love to just focus on my pregnancy and myself but due to safety reasons I’m staying on top of legal issues

Update Post 2: February 19, 2024 (4 days later, 9 from OG post)

Final update- I changed my locks, figured if he’d get the law Involved I’d use pregnancy brain and being forgetful to give him a spare set.

He broke in late last night, I was able to contact the police before I confronted him but due to location I knew it would be a bit.

I tried walking by him to leave the house but everytime I would he’d shove me, once hard enough to make me stumble and fall backwards.

The eerie part is he never once yelled- threw things-one of the items hit me causing an emergency room visit requiring stitches, said the most vile things- he hated me, I should kill myself, how useless I was etc. yet never once raised his voice, I’m not saying that in a good way- I wish he would have yelled, it was a fight or flight instinct and I found out mine was to freeze. I hate that for myself.

He was arrested and his mother already bailed him out, im staying at a hotel thanks to a work advance and looking into apartments. I won’t be stepping a foot into that home we shared until my best friend is here and even then it will be with police being with us.

Nobody can figure out what made him change almost overnight, only thing I’m guessing is a psychotic break, but I’m not a therapist or doctor.

Besides some ugly bruises and some stitches myself and the baby are fine. My lawyer feels like this is enough to get a protection order for myself and will include the pregnancy/baby.

Next time I see him will be at court, sorry I’m rambling and maybe this doesn’t make any sense.

For now- I’m safe, can sleep good for the first time in weeks. I have the dogs. Nobody is aware of where I am besides one close person, and the police.

Relevant Comments:

Could it be a head injury?

I wish he was hit in the head, fucker deserves it.

On a serious note- no nothing changed, no outside stress, no injuries, nothing that I’m aware of.

I know it sounds unbelievable but once the mask slipped gloves were off. I think he thought he wanted it, to the point where he tried to believe that is what he wanted/the right thing to do.

It’s hard it’s so damn hard, I wish I could hate him but I just feel sorry for him. That does not mean I will ever go back, or at this point talk to him without the law involved. I’m choosing myself and the little one and really it’s his loss.

Can you get an abortion?

I’ve had a couple of those comments so don’t take this reply personally just the one I’m using.

Abortion is not in the books for me- I’m not anti abortion and I feel like it’s a right women should have and it’s heartbreaking what our nation is going through when it comes to women having that striped away.

I’m 6 months pregnant, I can feel her move, I love her, she isn’t a fetus to me she is a baby. If I was 4-8 weeks yeah maybe it would have been an option but it isn’t now

I will take every step in making sure we are protected, I will love her enough for the both of us, I will not let her sperm donor have the opportunity to hurt her.

Update Post 3: February 26, 2024 (1 week later, 16 days from OG post)

Police met me at my home to grab some personal belongings and pretty much anything and everything else I could grab.

Thanks to the user who recommended me calling the non emergency number it was smooth sailing- he wasn’t home, I didn’t have the fear of him showing up and both officers were very kind.

What I walked into on the other hand was not very fun- this man looked like he went on a bender. Bleach on clothes, food everywhere, personal belongings just destroyed, especially the nursery. I was able to salvage a lot of the bigger items and packed what I could, they’re now in storage until I move into my place.

Took pictures and as aggravating as it was especially with the one step forward two steps back Im hopeful that they’ll just be another thing used against him to prevent custody.

As far as him- he has no way of contacting other then attorney or email and it’s been quiet on both ends, his parents have not reached out I don’t even know what I’d say to them if they tried so no loss there. His girlfriend yes girlfriend as I found out has been trying to contact me via friends to let me know she’s pregnant, I’m unsure if that’s true or not but that in the very least confirms the affair and how well he kept things hidden.

I do want to clear the air I made a post asking for helpful information on resources that could potentially help and someone made a comment saying I was in it for a “ long con” and that’s just untrue- I have not and will not accept any personal items/donations other then advice and maybe an internet hug. (Editor's note- OOP deleted the post she is referencing. See comment below.)

While I wish my story was made up, it is not. Maybe it’s a venting board maybe it’s just connecting with people that have been in the same situation but it’s helps keep me sane.

Anyway I’ll leave it at thank you all for listening and checking up on me- I’m safe I’m good, pregnancy is the only thing kicking my ass and I’ll make sure to make a post in a few months letting y’all know she’s here and that we made it. Bye for now ❤️

OOP's comment on this post:

Oh trust me I’m having bad days with it especially emotionally, I’m sure the hormones aren’t helping.

I’ve debated if I turned a blind eye and if there really weren’t any red flags.

I’ve had moments where I’ve missed him because it’s not just a switch- we loved each other or at least I loved him. This is a person I planned a future and had a past with.

It’s really just an emotional rollercoaster and that’s okay. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to handle all of this but I’m doing my best

OOP's comment on the post she deleted:

I’m not asking for money and I’m sorry if it came across that way- I can provide proof and anything else.

I’ve had multiple people reach out and ask if they could help and I’ve always turned it down- the only thing I’m asking is for someone to point me in the way of an organization that I may not know of. If that’s coming across as that way though I can and will delete my post it wasn’t my intention

A reminder to not comment on the original posts or dm OOP. You will be banned from the sub and you put the entire sub in jeopardy.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Cheap-Cucumber8223, account now deleted

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITA for telling my step kids I'm not their mom?

Trigger Warnings: >!verbal abuse, emotional abuse and manipulation, miscarriage, possible parental alienation!<

Original post: February 24, 2024

My husband (40M) and I (36F) have been together for 8 years now and our marriage have been rocky. When I met him he had twins, boy and girl. I love them like their my children, since it's hard for me to have kids they are mines. My husband and I tried for a baby last year and I became pregnant but had a miscarriage but I think I'm just not meant to be a new mommy. The kids are 16!

The husband kids haven't seen their mom in years because she left them for a guy in New York which is so sad because they didn't get to have a relationship with her. The twins call me mom and everything, we do everything like a little family I always wanted. When I was younger I always use to tell myself not to date a single father because theyight be messing with the mother of their kids but I took the leap of faith.

The other day my son and daughter wanted to go to the mall with their friends, which was fine because they go to the mall a lot with them. The argument started because of what she was wearing, she wore and very short skirt with a crop top and a jeans jacket. I immediately told her no and to change her clothes because I didn't feel comfortable with her going out side like that, I don't even know where she got the skirt from because anything she gets from the mall she gives me a haul. Her brother didn't even care what she was wearing and just rolled his eyes at me. She was pissed and upset, at the top of the step she screamed and told me I wasn't her mom so I should stop acting like it, her brother laughed and that made me feel even worse so I asked him why it was funny to him and he said that it's true, I'm not their mom so I need to stop acting like I can tell them what to do. This felt like a slap in the face because I basically raised her and this is what I get? The past months they've been saying horrible things to me, my daughter even told me it was might fault I lost the baby and she's happy I did.

But the next day I toughen up, I acted like nothing happened that day. I would usually wake them up for school and make them breakfast but this time I didn't, I made myself breakfast because like they said I'm not their mom. My son had a basketball game that day and I would be the mom to bring snacks for the team but I wasn't going, my daughter had a cheer competition 2 days after but I wasn't going and I know y'all might call me petty for this and I wouldn't disagree with you. I've been getting up and ignored everyone, I could feel them staring at me everytime. Last night my daughter came up to me and asked me why I didn't show up to her competition and I told her I wasn't her mom so why would I? I can already see the yta and I raised my husband kids and stuff. I told my husband what they said but he brushed me off. I don't think our marriage is working out and I've been thinking about a divorce. I feel unappreciative in the place I call home, when I slave in the kitchen to make them food they order out instead so I am the only one eating the food. Was that too harsh?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP had mixed reactions based on the top comments

RELEVANT COMMENTS

originalgenghismom

NTA

What did your daughter say when you told her why you didn’t go to her competition?

OOP:

She said she was upset with me and that the whole time at the competition she thought about our argument and that's how she messed up in her routine placing her team in fifth place. She said if I didn't mention what she was wearing she wouldn't have lost.

InsideRationalA

INFO: how your stepkids reacted when you said you're not their mother?

OOP:

I could tell by their body language that they didn't like what I said and they were shocked I said it. They've been quiet these days, we're basically strangers.

TOP COMMENT

cultqueennn

Nta

They knew what they said, but are now facing the consequences of their mouths.

Update: February 26, 2024

I know everyone has been spamming to know the update and sorry I didn't make this sooner, I had to think about what was my next move. I tried sit the kids down and talk to them along with my husband, my Step daughter was basically on her phone the whole time not even paying attention to what I said. Her brother surprisingly was listening and he apologized for laughing at the comment he and his sister made, I asked her if she can apologize for what she said about my baby but she brushed me off and again said the baby deserved it.

My husband didn't do a thing when she said this, he sat down looking into space and I felt embarrassed so I knew what I had to do. I told him wanted a divorce if he wasn't to act like I'm a stranger and disrespect me. At this moment this was my first time getting his attention, he told me that wasn't the right decision and that we could go to therapy but when I mentioned that to him before he didn't care. I know this is not the decision you guys thought I would have chose but I'm trying to figure out what I want for my life.

He begged me to not take it this route and I wanted to fold but I know it will happen again. This is really hard, you won't even believe who cried. My step kids had tears coming out their eyes, I dont know if they were faking it or was being serious. it broke my heart but I can't keep living in a place I am not wanted, I'm staying with my mom for the mean time so I can get a break and clear my head because all this is too much. If I have anything else to say I will update you guys over here! It was a shock to me when my stepdaughter changed her demeanor and started saying sorry out of nowhere, I don't know if it's sincere or she's just ready for me to leave.

TOP COMMENTS

LadyIceis

I am so sorry you are dealing with this! Please know this is the right decision. The kids and hubby are only crying because they lost their maid. Now they have to do everything themselves. You need to get out. Sending much love and hugs!

Mountain_Internal966

This is actually what I think a lot of us hoped for because you deserve so much more. Aside from stepson apparently, your feelings were still not being considered and continued to be disrespected up until you mentioned divorce. The fact your husband has no reaction to the cruel thing his daughter said about your miscarriage (even when she doubled down) is mind blowing but says a whole lot.

I know this will be hard at first, but you will come out on the other end so much happier. I wish you the best, OP.

Buttered_Crumpet09

You've made the right choice. You've been their reliable punchbag, always there to be whacked when they wanted to. Your husband didn't care because as long as they were whacking you, he remained unharmed. Now they are realising that you are an actual person with feelings, but it's too late.

Your husband should have had his kids in therapy after their mum left. The armchair psychologist in me thinks that they've taken their rage at their mum leaving out on you, trying their best to push you away because if their mum left, why wouldn't you? I think your stepdaughter also was projecting with her vile comments about your baby (and I'm sorry for your loss). Mums aren't great in her eyes, so she put the blame on you for losing the baby. Your stepson has stuck by his sister, and they both took it for granted that you would still be there no matter what, which is why it bothered them when you stopped showing up to their events. Now they hopefully are realising that they've successfully pushed you away, and they're realising they've thrown away the only mother they've had for so long because they're angry at the mother who left them behind.

None of that excuses them. None of it justifies them treating you like dirt. And not a single bit of it justifies your husband being a useless jellyfish. He's now worried because he'll actually have to parent his kids and look after the house, and because all that shit that's been thrown at you is about to be aimed at him. He could have put an end to this, but he didn't because he couldn't be bothered. That was also his child who was lost, and he let his daughter spout that poison. Only now that things may become inconvenient for him does he want to fix things. Only now you're leaving do the kids actually seem to care. It's too little, too late.

Maybe one day, your stepchildren will get the therapy they so clearly need, realise how badly they've screwed up, and come to you to apologise. Only you can decide if you can ever forgive their hateful comments, and there's nothing wrong with you if you can't; in your place, I'm not sure I could ever forgive all that. But your marriage was dead the moment your husband decided not to stand up for you. He wasn't a partner, he was a passive spectator who allowed his kids to abuse you.

Good luck, and I wish you happiness and peace.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP

**I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/MaleficentAd8942

Originally posted to r/AskWomenOver30

My (31f) fiance (39m) snapped and I’m unsure if I’m over reacting

Trigger Warnings: >!verbal abuse, infidelity, domestic abuse, emotional abuse and manipulation, property damage, physical violence, reckless endangerment!<

Original Post: January 4, 2024

My fiancé and I have been together 3 years and living together 2, he’s definitely a hot head, it’s been a problem in the past, but he’s a wonderful partner otherwise.

He cooks, I clean, we both work and we’re best friends. We spend all our spare time together going on road trips, trying new foods or just hanging out.

He has in the past lost it over small things, followed someone home twice over driving and he yelled at them, he’s an angry driver in general, he thinks no one can drive and is often speeding through traffic. His angry driving is an everyday occurrence. I let him drive because it’s not worth the stress if i drive because he doesn’t like it,

He punched a hole in a closet door after a stressful day at work and I sarcastically replied to his mood. He immediately apologised when he calmed down the next day, but it scared me at the time. This was a year ago his temper is an everyday thing, but it’s never directed at me.

He also used to tell me to pack my things and F off if we were arguing, I’m definitely a calm let’s talk this out person, he’s an I don’t want to talk about it person, he often feels attacked and it’s something we had to work through. He’s much better now, he tried anger management but said it wasn’t working with his work schedule.

His communication is much better.

Apart from that, he’s an affectionate goofball who treats me like a queen, he would do anything for me I just have to ask. It’s like a different person takes over.

Oh to the incident.

We were going on a holiday this week, 12 hour road trip and we decided to leave at 3am. He sad he didn’t sleep well and I annoyed him because I wasnt ready quick enough, I wasn’t I forgot some things and I admit that I took too long and we left late.

We stopped an hour later to grab a quick service station meat pie, I don’t really remember the conversation leading up to this, I don’t even know if we were arguing.

All I know is his meat pie leaked on his shirt, he swore and ripped his shirt down the middle, like the hulk, and threw it out the window. He proceeded to speed and had the angriest look on his face.

I was scared, it was a dark back road and I could see he was doing 140km, I told him I was scared and to stop and he ignored me, I told him to please calm down and stop. Suddenly he slammed on the brakes and all out things in the back flew forward, he turned to look at me and said “there” before taking off again only faster doing 160km.

I sat there terrified to speak up again and that we would hit something.

He stopped not long after and told me to drive because he was going to sleep. He woke up 2 hours later and didn’t say anything about it, it was an hour or so after he woke up he said sorry about before i was really tired.

I’m in shock, he doesn’t seem to think it was a huge deal. It’s been two days and we’ve just moved on from it, he said nothing happened And he knows how to control a vehicle and why would he put himself in danger?

I just need some advice, I’m starting to rethink this whole relationship based off this incident because I’m scared to tell my friends because they will hold judgments on him.

Update I’m so completely overwhelmed by the response from this group, I never thought I’d receive so many helpful and worried comments.

I have 4 more days of this trip and since so many are telling me to ve careful I am not going to do anything until I get home.

You’ve all shown me it’s time to tell my sister and brother what’s going on, they live in the same city.

Thank you again for all your help, I feel so rattled, I’ve never once thought it was abuse, I just thought he needed help and support.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

BrilliantPersimmon87

Hug hug hug hug hug. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Deep down, you know that it's more than him being a "hot head". He has displayed some intensely scary behaviours, along with an unwillingness (not inability, but unwillingness) to process his emotions in a healthy way. It will not get better. It will start to become even more confusing as your brain struggles to comprehend how this nice and sweet man can be so violent at the same time. He apologies to keep you from leaving. This is known behaviour from an abuser.

Please listen to us, please don't ignore what your brain and instincts are trying to tell you, please don't let the fear of judgement hinder you from seeking help to get out of a dangerous situation. Talk to family, talk to friends, reach out to people. You need to get yourself to safety, because if you stay with this man, he will endanger your life again.

OOP:

I’m sort of in shock with these comments, I’ve never once called it abuse or even thought it.

He just had a problem that needed to be worked through, my friends and family love him, I’ve never told them about this side.

But now I’m starting to think I didn’t tell them about his struggles because I knew what they’d say.

UnsupportedDevice

He is not a good partner or a good guy. He does not care about you. Point blank, period. End of story. I need you to know that. I am not trying to be harsh but it’s imperative you realize HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU.

He’s willingly putting you in unsafe positions and doesn’t even like or respect you enough to stop his shitty behavior when you tell him you’re scared. His ego is then so huge he needs to embarrass you in some sort of GOTCHA moment when you call out his behavior.

I wish you the best honey but run. This man is a loser who is also deeply bitter. You’re life will be so much better, I promise. There is no award for suffering. I know you’ve invested time and yourself in this relationship but put simply-this man isn’t even kind to you. The BARE MINIMUM should be kindness.

OOP:

I’m finding it hard to reconcile that the man who cried when we were picking out our first dance song, who told me in the best woman he’s ever met and that he feels so lucky that we met, the man who cuddles me on the couch and rubs my sore back at the end of the week is this abusive man too.

His mother said he rages, their incidents are worse than anything that he’s ever done with me, his mother hugged me and cried when I got him to go to anger management because she’s been trying for years.

His sister doesn’t have a relationship with him and since being with me they have mended it and became close again, she said I seem to make him a lot calmer.

I am starting to question why I never seriously questioned what he was like before me. I’m starting to wonder if the longer we are together the more that side is appearing.

I’m just absolutely devastated.

Update: February 26, 2024

Thankyou to everyone who commented on my previous post, it’s been awhile since my original post and a lot has happened.

The end of the relationship was nothing short of a soap opera.

I spent nights in bed next to him on our holiday reading Lundy Bancroft’s book and I was floored. All the comments were so eye opening even if I didn’t want to believe it was that serious. So many things were hitting home.

So many things I didn’t consider abuse, but these were things I wasn’t telling friends or family about, I was protecting him from anyone knowing what he was really like.

A part of the book referenced cheating and abusers as one archetype that matched a lot of my partners attributes. I thought I was crazy, but over a week after we got home from our holiday he got home from work, we had dinner and he went to shower so I checked his phone. I repeated this for quite a few nights gathering evidence.

He has been cheating on me, lots of different women over the last 3 years and currently one woman who knows all about me and likes to talk about how awful I am with him. alot of things he thought he deleted that messenger archived. I eventually confronted him one of those nights when he was coming to bed and he told me he was too tired to talk about it and that I invaded his privacy and that they were just friends.

I was so angry I pushed it (in terms of keeping the conversation going, not physically) he said he wanted to sleep and I said if I wasn’t getting any sleep he wasn’t either.

He snapped.

He punched a hole in the wall, he broke our dresser (it’s destroyed) he went into the kitchen and smashed other things. It was terrifying, I was begging him to stop. He then said I was lucky something of his wasn’t broken. I said why, what does that mean?

He said he would have unalived me (more graphic, but I’m not sure I can post that here)

I got my things and snuck to my car and went to a friends. He called me and said not to bother coming home, I wasn’t ? Why would I?

The next day he said it was all my fault because I wouldn’t let him walk away, that I was a moron and ruined everything. That I should have let him sleep and waited until the morning.

I called my brothers and said I needed to get my things. I decided it wasn’t a good idea for them to come yet because I think they would have escalated the situation as they were angry too.

I took my sister and friend and had them wait in the car until I was sure it was safe, he wasn’t meant to be home but was. They said I had five minutes until they were coming in. I told him I’d come to get my things, he got emotional and said he never wanted me to see that side of him.

I said we were done and he got angry again and chased me into the garage throwing pillows at me. He said I would regret not fighting for this and I asked him what I was fighting for because this wasn’t how you treat someone you love. He collapsed into a crying mess and said he loved me too much and needed me, that he’d been an idiot and ruined it all.

He said I could take what I wanted, that he would speak to me tomorrow when we’ve both slept. He got upset when my friend and sister came inside because he didn’t know they knew. I took the opportunity to get clothes and my brothers returned for my things 2 days after.

He sobbed on the phone to me to reconsider, that he wasn’t getting attention from me and did the wrong thing, that he’s really stressed and it all came to a head. He also told me this would happen to me again and the devil I knew was better than any other.

He was begging me to come home.

I cut contact.

3 weeks later he’s posting pictures with one of the other women and in a relationship with her.

I’m just floored by the turn in events. Thankyou to everyone who commented, this man was an abuser and writing here saved me.

Please don’t date angry men, please realise if there’s physical violence of any kind they’re capable of worse.

The cheating was a bullet I didn’t see coming, I never suspected him of that ever in the whole three years and I’m extremely embarrassed of being replaced so easily and being fooled so easily.

I’m living with my brother, my self esteem is in the toilet and I guess im starting my life over again now.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

remembertowelday525

Welcome to a new life. Wipe the slate clean, but keep the lessons learned. I am proud of you for standing up for yourself. It took me ten years. You did it in three.

OOP:

Very close to 4

To be honest it was still very hard to let go I was so trauma bonded to him, it’s still a work in progress

de-milo

i’m SO glad you’re okay. so many women don’t make it out. i’m so glad you did and have a supportive network. to the next chapter 💕

OOP:

I can understand why, the main reason was that I told someone. It sounds silly, but after telling my friend I couldn’t take it back.

Seeing her horror and worry spurred me on.

Also the idea of her disappointment if I went back, the bond was so strong, I still miss the good parts, but I know he’s not a good man and I have completely ghosted him

THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/repinator

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

I've just discovered that my (M29)'s girlfriend (F27)'s family is putting me down in front of her (and me). Can I ever rebuild the trust?

Trigger Warnings: >!racism!<

Original Post: February 22, 2024

A bit of background: I'm a 29-year-old man who met my girlfriend, a 27-year-old woman, when we both moved to a new town for work about a year ago. We hit it off right away and have been together ever since. Her family is Portuguese, and from the beginning, I've made efforts to be involved and get to know them, despite the language barrier.

I've met her family several times, and on the surface, they've always been nothing but welcoming and nice to me. However, they have a habit of speaking Portuguese around me, which I initially didn't mind because I understood it was their first language and it made them comfortable.

Wanting to connect with them on a deeper level and surprise my girlfriend, I recently began learning Portuguese. At a recent family dinner, my new language skills unexpectedly revealed a hurtful reality. As I listened, I realized they were talking about me in derogatory terms – calling me "dumb" among other insults – right in front of me, all while smiling and acting friendly.

From what I've gathered, my girlfriend understands what's being said but doesn't seem to join in on the insults. However, she hasn't done anything to stop it either, occasionally trying to hide her reactions or snickers. I feel betrayed and humiliated and am questioning the integrity of our relationship and her loyalty to me.

I'm at a crossroads and unsure how to address this situation. Confronting her family directly seems daunting, especially considering the language barrier and not wanting to cause a rift. However, I also feel that I can't simply ignore such disrespect, and I'm concerned about what this means for the future of our relationship, especially if we were to have a family of our own.

Should I confront my girlfriend about her family's behavior and express how hurtful it is to me? How can I navigate this situation in a way that respects my relationship with her but also stands up for myself? Any insights, experiences, or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

SymblePharon: If she's not standing up for you, she's not much of a partner. It doesn't sound like she's scared of them or anything. You could calmly tell her that you didn't want to spoil it, but you've been learning the language, and you're disappointed at the way she and her family talk about you. But what could she say that would excuse it?

If you want to be petty, you could wait until they insult you at the next dinner and respond in Portuguese thanks for the food and this dumb guy is gonna see himself out and it was nice knowing you all. I just don't understand being this rude and frankly cruel. You sound like a nice person.

OOP: I think though even if I tell her I know it does not change how I feel about her because she still did not stand up for me and allowed it to happen without telling me.

Update: February 26, 2024

Quick Summary: I previously shared how I discovered my girlfriend's family, who is Portuguese, was making racist and derogatory remarks about me in Portuguese, thinking I couldn't understand them. Despite them being outwardly nice, this discovery was deeply hurtful, especially as my girlfriend seemed aware but did nothing to stop it.

Update: This past Sunday, we visited her family again, and not surprisingly, the pattern of rude comments continued. This time, they called me dumb, among other things, and everyone laughed. I laughed along with them and then asked them to pass the salad in Portuguese. I could see the awareness and embarrassment spreading across the table one by one.

I guess you don't make friends with salad.

The dinner that followed was inevitably awkward. No one made a scene, but the atmosphere was tense. On the way home, I told my girlfriend that I wanted to break up. To my surprise, she didn't even ask why, which only confirmed my decision was the right one. Given that we both moved to this town for work and were living in a company-supplied rental, I reached out to our HR department to explain my situation. They were understanding and agreed to arrange a separate place for me. In the meantime, I'm staying at a hotel until everything is sorted out.

I honestly feel empty about it now, empty inside. It's been a roller coaster and now there's sort of nothing. Maybe I will feel better tomorrow.

UPDATE 2: I spent today packing my things and she spent it crying. Difficult day for both of us. Thank you for all of the comments and support and messages. I will update in here tomorrow but I need to rest right now it has been very difficult to process.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Reasonable_Major1678: Did she explain why she didn't stand up for you?

OOP: In her defense, she has a very dominating family and is not a confrontational person. I don't expect her to have stood up for me (maybe I should?) but I would have expected her to tell me at least.

TOP COMMENTS

Expression-Little That was a pretty baller way to call them out bro

deeznutsiym you don’t understand how perfectly you handled this. Yeah, they suck but that doesn’t reflect o. you. Their meanness was not deserved on your part.

I’m glad you knew your value enough to end things with your gf. You deserve better :)

Just imagine sitting with your family and saying horrible things in another language.. awful!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP

I am not OP; that would be u/throwraalerting

Trigger Warning: >!homophobia, child abuse!<

Mood Spoiler: >!frustrating. but hopeful for the sister!<

Original Post: August 26th, 2023

The reason I'm making this is because my fiancé's and I need help with a situation on 9/3 that recently came to our attention. My fiancé's parents are extremely religious, but they've been worse to his sister (fifteen) than him. When he was growing up, they didn't force him to attend like her, and he admits that he was a golden child. He would miss church/youth because of sports, and their relationship was fine when he moved out because they weren't as strict on him. He was allowed to work and have secular friends, and they didn't make him do purity like she did. But we were recently made aware of something that will make us rescind their invitation before cutting them out of our lives, but we want to ask for advice before doing that

His dad made a Facebook rant about how he discovered his sister being gay due to parental controls showing search history, and he also ranted about the importance of them as such. He also said he spoke to someone at church and that she probably will too. However, on 9/3, she's going to be prayed over during service, and we're worried about her/how it seems she's being made to apologize, and we want to ask if there's anything we can do (the church is fairly big with over a thousand). We're going to uninvite anyone who attends that Sunday in agreement with her parents, but the wedding isn't our priority right now. Is there anything we can do to help her out of this situation while we still have a connection with her parents? We'd especially appreciate to hear from anyone who might've been in similar situations with unacceptable parents

edit: we live in New York, and the church where his sister is being forced to receive prayer at/apologize is on Long Island, NY

First Update: August 31st, 2023

My fiance was able to call his dad shortly after my first post, and he asked if we'd be able to come up and see them this week. He didn't get into a confrontation on the phone because we figured that would hurt our chances of seeing her (or risk being cut off for disagreeing, thus why we haven't recinded their wedding invitations or anything hasty). He asked if we could come to attend church with them on Sunday in light of the post, and he said we could come on Saturday and spend the night along with doing something on Saturday afternoon. So as of right now, we plan to drive up on Saturday morning (we live a few hours away), and we talked to one of our friends for advice that we're close with about what to do once we're there, but we're hoping to find some more advice because we're debating some ideas for Saturday, and we're open to any suggestions we get

The reason we asked if we could go to church with them was because of an idea I had, but I want to ask about it here. My fiance asked if we could take her shopping when we go, and we've taken her shopping in the past without her parents. If she states that she doesn't feel comfortable with what her parents are making her do at church, would that be enough to drive her somewhere else like a hotel or back to our place to avoid it if she wants? Or would that interfere with any chances of being able to legally take her in before she's eighteen? Some people commented that she should be old enough to not go to church/anywhere if she doesn't want to, but would her parents have grounds to accuse us of kidnapping and take her back? That's where we're at so far, and we're considering a lawyer too and have looked up some this week that we're considering reaching out to. I'm also going to share this on a legal sub, but we're open to any advice we can get and especially from anyone who's been through something similar

edit: we just received advice on r/legaladvice that answered our questions in regards to our ideas, and we will not be taking her to our home or anywhere due to legal concerns. We're still planning to visit to see how she is and are considering reaching out to an LGBTQ organization for support as some commenters suggested, and this is the advice we received

Second Update: October 8th, 2023

I wasn't able to update sooner because the past few weeks have been challenging, but we received a lot of great advice along with one in particular I'll highlight momentarily. A lot of people said that we needed to reach out to an actual family lawyer for advice instead of reddit, and that's what we've done since our previous post. The reason we came to r/legaladvice initially was because we had less than a week until his sister would basically be outed to the church. As stated in our update (and later echoed by the lawyer we found), we understand that trying to remove his sister from the situation (on 9/3) would've been a terrible idea that could've resulted in his parents pressing charges for kidnapping, and that was an emotional idea that many shot down rightfully in our update (after many suggested taking her for a drive to remove her from that Sunday on our first post)

When 9/3 came, we were able to stay at her parent's home for the weekend after my fiancé received permission in our update post, and we had a chance to talk to her parents on Saturday too. But before we get into what was said, someone in our update made a comment suggesting that we don't rock the boat with her parents and instead try to show his sister a ""healthy, straight" relationship" so that we can be a part of her life and give her somewhere to vent as she may very well need. We both liked this idea and decided not to rock the boat when we saw them, but my fiancé has struggled in the aftermath of that weekend which I'll get to later

Long story short, her parents told us that they're gonna have her talk to someone (a leader) at church about her being gay, and they said that they received prayer from others who saw the Facebook post along with those they called to vent. The only thing we challenged them on was why they felt the need to out her on Facebook, to which her father said that she needed support from others who would basically talk her out of it/pray on their own. When we suggested trying to be a good example of a straight couple, they liked the idea and said they hoped our wedding would be a good example for her too. They also said that college would be off the table for her unless she showed change, and that's on top of privileges they took away too

We weren't able to talk to her one-on-one on Saturday because she stayed mostly in her room aside from greetings, and she ate dinner in her room as well. And when Sunday came, she rode in her parent's car while we followed them to church. At some point after worship, one of the pastors invited them to come on stage, and they basically prayed for her while laying hands for about five minutes. My fiancé said it was short and similar to how they dedicated babies occasionally on Sunday morning and had the newborn be prayed over by a pastor. The only difference was that a pastor told the congregation that she was "struggling with her sexuality", and the prayer involved rebuking "worldly influences/friends" and types of media that they think played a role in it.

In regards to his sister, she kept a straight face and wasn't crying or anything, and they didn't ask her to say anything either. Her parents also took us to lunch afterwards, and she was rather quiet/on her phone despite her parents telling her she did great and so fourth. We left shortly after lunch because we had work on Monday, but her parents agreed to hang out with us again soon. And when I asked if we could try to talk to her ourselves to try and get through to her, they said we could next time we came over although things have been difficult with my fiancé since

My fiancé really wanted to go to support his sister, and he made the call to his dad to get permission to stay at their home over the weekend too. However, when some people came up to their family and talked to his sister/her parents after service, some people spoke to my fiancé and asked how he was, and he said it really bothered him a few days after. He grew up in that church, and he said that being there was somewhat traumatic when he didn't expect it to be. Some people asked why he stopped going among other things, but he's also had second thoughts about keeping in touch with his parents for his sister's sake since. Long story short, he said it was hard to not explode at them and play a face for those two days, and he's been hyperfocused on it the past few weeks too

He said it's (the trauma's) been eating at him when he's at work, and it's awoken some memories/trauma inside of him that he might've forgotten about since living away from them as an adult. He also wants to uninvite not just his parents, but every Christian relative (he's aware of) from our wedding. I have no issue uninviting people from our wedding, and I also wanted to uninvite his parents although we initially decided against it (to keep a connection with his sister). He says he wants to talk to a therapist, but not couples therapy because there's some trauma he never told me from his childhood, and I want to respect his space until he's ready to talk about it (or even if he never does). He thinks a therapist will tell him to put his upcoming marriage/mental health ahead of his sister, and I could see that honestly too. My commitment is first and foremost to him as it's supposed to be upon marriage. But as for right now, he's looking for a therapist that'll work with his insurance, and I told him to do what's best for him first because it's hard to help others if he's hurting (the thing about put your gas mask on first), so we're just waiting to see what comes from therapy

New Update: February 21st, 2024

A lot of people rightfully called us out for doing nothing (in regards to trying to talk to his sister) when we visited his parents, and it bothered me that we didn't either. However, I wasn't fully truthful in my last post, and that's because I excluded some major details that I was insecure about at the time. As of writing this, my fiancé and I are no longer together, and I want to explain why along with the things I left out. Many people said we should've said something to his sister whenever she was alone, something along the lines of our support for her coming out and disagreeing with her parents. However, shortly after we arrived at his parents', he told me he regretted coming up and that being there was "bringing back bad memories". He also said he was considering driving home on the first day we came. But when I tried to calm him down, he said he didn't want to help his sister because "no one helped him when he was her age" and that "if she were a boy, we'd tell her to man up and not pity her", and his whole attitude showed a new side of him I never saw before which bothered me. He said that going back to their home triggered him, and he said he didn't want to talk to his sister (like we planned) because she was gonna "know what he felt when he was her age", and I excluded that argument previously because I was uncertain about my future with him afterwards

I was able to talk him out of leaving and suggested sleeping on his frustration. But after we went to service on Sunday, he became even angrier after people questioned why he stopped attending for so many years, and he said that that triggered him worse than the night before. When I suggested talking to his sister without him after the service to support her (if he wasn't up to it), he said we'd be done if I did because no one helped him when he was her age. I argued that we couldn't come up and do nothing. But he kept his stance, and I regretted doing nothing and caving to him. Soon after, he said that the trauma from going back to his old church was "eating him up at work" along with regret from visiting them, and I was regretting doing nothing after we returned. Eventually, he told me that he wanted to break up because I "prevented him from leaving" the first night which would've prevented him from going to church, and that was shortly after our visit

The breakup bothered me because of how quickly everything changed. He went from hating how his dad outed her (on Facebook) to completely changing his tone the moment we got there. Maybe something did trigger trauma upon going back to their home and especially their church, and one of my friends suggested there's a lot of generational trauma in their family. I was just stunned because he was ready to uninvite his parents/every Christian from the wedding out of anger towards his parents outing her, only to wish hardship on her once we arrived. Going back to his sister, I was able to find her on Instagram and sent her a message telling her the truth. I wasn't sure if I should tell her everything (considering her age), but my dad suggested being honest in case my ex/her parents blamed her for our breakup somehow. So I told her that we went up to offer support, but due to trauma my ex received in their home and church, he changed his mind because he was upset that nobody helped him (at her age), and I added how he told me not to talk to her either

I wrote that I was sorry for not trying to talk to her anyway and that I supported her and that nothing was her fault (along with how her parents were wrong to out her). And, surprisingly, she actually responded and said she appreciated me reaching out and opened up about a few things too. When I asked if she ever wanted to talk to a professional, she said she didn't think she'd be able to with her parents. But I gave her the link to the trevor project website that actually has 24/7 counselors she can chat/call for free (along with suggesting looking it up incognito or at a school computer), and she said she might sometime. We've messaged a few times here and there when something's on her mind, and I still regret not talking to her in-person. But she's almost sixteen now (although her parents revoked a sweet sixteen that they previously offered after learning she came out), and she told me that in a message. I'm surprised that she felt comfortable to open up from time to time, but at least she's one year closer to being eighteen and able to leave, and we still messaged from time to time. I'm not sure if anything will come from the trevor suggestion, but I bought it up a few times, so maybe someday hopefully. She also said that things have calmed down with her parents who are no longer harassing her about about being gay, and she said she's pretending not to be by going along with them for the most part. She also received some privledges that they took away (upon learning about it) after she cooperated with everything at the church, and she seems to be navigating things okay a few months after

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/AppropriateRound7639

Originally posted to r/amiwrong

Am I wrong for denying my husband a 2 week vacation?

Trigger Warnings: >!emotional infidelity, spousal neglect!<

Original Post: January 29, 2024

My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We have 2 kids together, where one have special needs. We live close to my home town in Europe, while his family lives around the US. We used to be able to afford to visit once a year. The cost of living has increased lately, and the extra cost of bringing two kids makes it more difficult as well.

I wish we were able to go at least twice a year, and seeing my husband miss his family and friends is hard. Last year his depression got worse, and he said that he needed to visit home. He wanted all of us to go, but we didn't have the money and I didn't have more vacation days left at that point. I told him that if it's going to be possible at all, he would have to go alone. We got in to a argument about how long. I said a week and a half tops but he wanted longer. Not long after, he told me that he booked a trip for 2 weeks and 4 days. That was not what we had discussed.

I ended up having to switch around my night shifts and 12 hour shifts. I worked 7 days a week both before and after his trip. During his trip I worked about 80% and took care of our kids alone after work. Barely sleeping at night because of our kids. By the time he got home, I was exhausted and still mad about the way he went about his trip. It was very clear that he apologized to make the argument go away, not because he meant it. The worst part was not being able to afford a trip for the kids or even any fun activities during the summer.

A few months ago my husband said that he wanted to visit his brother and his family in Hawaii. I told him that it would be nice, but that we will never be able to afford the 5000 dollar plane tickets and that again I didn't get vacation around the time he wanted to leave. Soon he was talking about going by himself. I told him that 2 weeks was too long, and that I won't be able to handle more than a week. He got upset and voiced his opinion, but didn't press it. I also said that he would have to save money and not take everything from the vacation money.

My husband always works non stop, and expects me to stay with the kids. Most times he doesn't even let me know what his plans are or when he is coming home. He makes me feel like a single mom. It doesn't help that he rarely contributes around the house or with the kids. With that said, he does work a lot. He probably feels like he deserves the trip. We earn about the same amount a month all in all though. Some months he earns more than me. I work a full time high demanding job.

A week ago he asked me which two weeks to book tickets for, and I reminded him that I had said one week. He got upset again, saying that it isn't enough and that it won't even be worth the 1300 dollar ticket. He has asked me multiple times since then. Tonight he told his whole family, including his parents that were flying down too, that he is not coming. It makes me feel unreasonable.

Am I wrong for denying him the two weeks in Hawaii? Should I tell him to go two weeks during summer while I'm off or screw him and plan a trip for our family instead?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Glad-Translator-3502

Your husband is being incredibly selfish man. Roles reversed how would he be acting towards you?

OOP

Good point. He is terrified of not having enough money. I think he would want me to do more with the kids and around the house, but would probably let me work as much as I wanted so that we could live comfortably. He is a generous man and would tell me to go, but would expect the same opportunity himself

TOP COMMENT

JustMyThoughtNow

This is just me. But if my husband did this a second time, that would be it for me. I would use the time to file for divorce. Tell him his belongings will be boxed up and put into storage. I cannot fathom a husband like this.

Update: February 22, 2024

The update that no one asked for. With paragraphs this time. You're welcome! Please ignore the grammar. English is not my native tongue.

I have been thinking about this matter since writing the first post, and only decided on what to do about it a couple of days ago. Some stuff has happened since then though, so I guess I should let you guys in on that first.

A little over a week ago, I got a message on messenger from someone I do not know. He told me that my husband has been writing inappropriate messages to his girlfriend and that he suspected that they were more than friends. He saw my husband writing her hello beautiful, that he would buy her flowers and give her a massage. This happened the day before valentines day. Me and the kids were out buying gifts for their dad. Sometime after we got home he asked me if someone had contacted me earlier. I tried to ignore his question, trying to stay strong for the kids.

Once the kids were asleep, we had a talk. He said he had posted a picture of the flowers he bought me for mothers day/valentines day. She had seen it and said that she never gets flowers. He said he was joking with her and admitted saying the things I was told by the stranger. I asked if he would show me the messages. He showed me the newest messages where she had told him that him writing that was a bad idea. He was careful so that nothing else showed. Thats not what I wanted to see though, so I scrolled up trying to read from the beginning.

I scrolled as fast as I could and got all the way back to 2020. Here I saw a picture he had taken of her in her underwear. I made a comment about it. I know that him being a professional photographer, things like this is pretty normal. The thing is though that I have never been comfortable with these types of photoshoots. I have told him on multiple occasions, so seeing this made me upset. He snatched the phone out of my hands, said it was a long time ago. He refused to let me look any further, saying how he would never ask to see my phone.

We had a long talk about our marriage. I told him that I was thinking about divorce. I talked about things that I felt needed to change and he opened up about things he wanted to change. He answered all my questions. He finally agreed to couples therapy and to go into therapy to work through things he has been through growing up. I don't know if we will ever get back to how things were before though.

Since then he has been trying to do better. Although it seems like he is starting to fall back into old habits now. He told me later on about a guy he works with, who is friends with the person who wrote me. My husband told me that his co worker had been saying as a joke that he was sleeping with all his models. My husband thinks this guy thought his friend was being serious. We haven't talked about it since. I have decided to believe him and try to let this go, mostly for the kids sake. He has never given me a reason to doubt him before this.

2 days ago he brought up the trip to Hawaii. I decided to let him go for 10 days instead of 7. I know most people would have left him or at the very least have told him to f*ck off, but I told him to go in September. Mostly since he had opened up about how bad his mental health had gotten. Since I want the kids to still have a dad, I figured this to be the best solution. This way it won't effect the vacation with the kids again like last time. He said ok and booked his ticket, but get this...he booked it wrong! Now he won't get the money back for another 4-6 weeks🤦🤦🤦 who knows how much it will cost then? Karma?!?

What would you have done in my situation? Am I being as naive as I feel like I am? I know I should probably have been more persistent about him making the changes that needs to happen, but I'm hoping the therapy will give us the opportunity to work through this together.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/gemagema

I [19F] am being excluded from our gaming group. I decide to find a new group. Boyfriend [20M] is the one upset.

TRIGGER WARNING: >!misogyny, verbal abuse, manipulation!<

Original Post  July 24, 2017

I am in a gaming group that has about 10 members (18-25F/M), including my boyfriend and I. A month ago, I had a fallout with a member in the group, who I'll call Roger (25M). Basically, I don't like Roger. All he ever does is degrade and talk about are women who are "back-stabbing bitches who you can never trust" and how much he loves to smoke weed and do drugs. Hearing those things constantly became a drag, so I decided that I did not want to around him anymore.

Ever since I cut off contact, I've been excluded from games whenever Roger plays because he does not want me there. Even my boyfriend told me not to join because it'll piss off Roger. Obviously, I don't want to play with Roger either so this is fine with me. The thing is, when Roger is playing, I'm excluded from the group as I can't play with anyone else, because they're all playing with Roger. This happens 3/4 days every week, and they play for 5-6 hours a day.

I'm really shy, so I don't talk much in the group games besides doing the usual callouts. I know everyone would much rather play with Roger than me since he's more outgoing and fun to them, so I don't interfere. Even so, I still feel like shit for being left out constantly. My boyfriend didn't even defend me the first time I was excluded. He just told me to not join ever again and left it at that. Only one other person in the group has defending me, and that is my best friend (19M) since middle-school. When I first told him about the situation, he got really angry and asked me if I wanted him to stop playing with Roger too. I know my boyfriend and best friend love playing with Roger though, so I didn't ask them to stop.

Last night, Roger and the group were all playing again. I decided to look for some other groups online to play with, because being alone sucks. While on a break from his game, my boyfriend asked what I was doing. I told him casually that I was looking for a new gaming group to play with. His reaction was not what I was expecting. He got upset and kept questioning me why I wanted to leave our old gaming group. I told him since I'm being excluded from our old group so often, I may as well find a new group to play with because I obviously don't fit in anymore. Even after my answers, he would keep asking me why I couldn't just stay and participate in the group often. How am I suppose to participate in a group when I'm being excluded from it weekly?

At that point, I told my boyfriend to stop talking to me about this subject and to leave it. He then said to me that I was overreacting to being excluded from the group and then went on a rant about why I couldn't just be happy for once since he still plays with me daily. My boyfriend and I do play daily, but we play alone with just us two since no one else in the group can play at the times we're online. Being excluded from playing with everyone else is what makes me feel like shit, not being excluded from playing with my boyfriend. I told him that if I find a new group, I would always play with him first, no matter what. However, I just want to find a new group to play with when he and everyone else are playing with Roger since I can't join in the first place, and playing alone sucks. He said fine in an annoyed tone, and we left it at that.

We haven't spoken about it since, but I can tell he's upset over it. Am I really overreacting to the situation? Do I just ignore my boyfriend for now? Do I say something? This is the first time I've ever seen him so upset over something I did. I'm not sure what to do.     ---     tl;dr: Had a fallout with a member in our group. Now I'm being excluded from the group weekly. I want to find a new group, boyfriend is upset at my decision. What do I do?

Update  July 27, 2017

Original post

Thank you everyone for all the advice! And thank you to those that also offered to play with me. I wasn't expecting my post to get so many replies. Unfortunately, I had some unrelated family business, so I couldn't respond to you all. However, I have read everything and have taken all your words into consideration. Some people have also asked me questions about how we can play so often, how long I've been with my boyfriend, etc., so I'll just give a brief background (skip to the next line if you don’t want to read it).

First off, most of us are college students [18/20], either working part time or staying at home with our parents. As of right now, most of us are on summer break. We only have two older members in the group, which are Roger [25/M] and another guy [23/M]. The rest of us are or fall under 20. Roger is actually married and his wife makes good bank, so he has a ton of free time.

Second, about my boyfriend. Surprisingly we met through the gaming group, as he was the one who advertised it, which was how I found and joined the group. That was about 2 years ago, and about a couple of months after we met, we just clicked and started dating. My boyfriend has known Roger for about 3 years, so they're close friends. However, Roger did not join the group until 6 months ago, as my boyfriend invited him because he thought it'd be fun to have him there too. I did not know much of Roger, other than that he was my boyfriend's friend, until he joined the group.

  ---   So, after I posted my original post, I signed up for 2 different groups. The first one was an all-women’s group [16-20F]. They responded to me pretty quickly. They were very nice and polite, but explained that they only play once/twice a week. Unfortunately, that didn't cut it for me. The second group responded to me the next day, and I learned that they were more active but that they're also an all-men’s group [17-19M]. However, they were open to having me there. At first, I felt pretty sketched, but the oldest and most popular guy [19/M] there took me aside and explained to me that he does not tolerate any type of harassment and that he will definitely kick out any of the other guys if they were bothering me. Hearing that made me feel more comfortable and I played some games with them. I had so much fun! All the guys were really nice and friendly. No sexual remarks, no more screaming of profanity against women, etc.. It was nice being in a group of people who were happy to play with me.

After I finished my games and left, my boyfriend called and asked if we could talk. When he came over, before I could even ask or speak myself, he told me he was really sorry and that he screwed up big time, and he understands how wrong he was. He said he didn't want me to go to a new group because he feared that I would leave him too for some new guy. Then he told me that he didn't realize how hurt I was from being excluded from the group because I had never complained or voiced against it, which was true. I never complained about the exclusions, or even Roger’s behavior before, because I knew it would just cause more conflict. I also didn't want my boyfriend to stop playing with his friends because of me. I explained this to him, and he said he was sorry for not defending and comforting me like he should have been in the first place.

To my surprise, he then showed me his text messages between him and Roger that happened a few months ago. Apparently, way before my exclusion, Roger had a few conversations with my boyfriend, telling him how much of a pain it was to play with me there. He wanted my boyfriend to kick me out. However, my boyfriend refused and told Roger that was not happening. Then, around the time when I decided to stop hanging out around Roger, that's when Roger sent a group text to everyone in the group explaining how he doesn't want me to play with the group again, and he hopes everyone understands. Everyone, and to my shock, even my best friend, all agreed with him. Only my boyfriend protested, but Roger was really stubborn and he had the whole group to support him, so my boyfriend gave up. After showing me those texts, he told me next that he kicked Roger from their group earlier today. Roger was not allowed to play with them anymore, but my boyfriend said he'd still be willing my play with Roger one on one, but only like once a month. Surprisingly, Roger agreed, and that was that. My boyfriend said he understood if I didn't want to be with him anymore, but said that he truly does love me.

Honestly, even after all that has happened, I'm not mad at my boyfriend. This is both of ours first relationship, and we’re still learning. He's always been kind to me and I’ve never had a problem with him before this situation occurred.  I feel happy that he realized his mistakes and did apologize without me asking. This is the first time he's ever come across a situation where he has no choice but to choose a side, so I don't blame him for trying to do anything to keep the group together. He told me he would also like me to come back to our old group, but he said it's completely fine if I stay with my new group. He knows it was wrong of him to ask me not to join a new group. I told him I don't think I'll ever come back to the old group and that I will definitely be sticking with my new group from now on. However, I will always make time for him and put him first. He accepted it without any protest, and we went back to our usual fun activities.

I feel bad that my boyfriend may have lost a close friend since I never asked him to do any of that for me. Regardless, I am happy, and lately my boyfriend and I have been spending more time together now that R isn't around as much. I have also continued playing with my new group and it's been awesome. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading this long update! Sorry for the ramble and mistakes, my mind is all over the place right now and I wanted to explain as much as I could. Thank you guys once again!

  ---     tl;dr: Boyfriend apologized for everything and kicked Roger out of his gaming group. I will continue to play with my new group and boyfriend is ok with it now. Things are better.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

TheBatmanToMyBruce 

"I don't like Roger. All he ever does is degrade and talk about are women who are "back-stabbing bitches who you can never trust""

It's sad, but some people are just like tha--

"Roger is actually married and his wife makes good bank, so he has a ton of free time"

Wait what

Does she stab him in the back with money?

yuudachi

Yeah, I thought that was kind weird too. He talks shit about women all the time, but he's married??

brideofchuckydoll

I'm stuck on that as well. Sounds like Roger has an inferiority complex, and I'm betting he'll soon also have a divorce to go with it.

~

daviannamorgan

OP, I hope you are reconsidering your relationship with your "best friend," who had you kicked from the group.

OOP

I definitely am reconsidering it. I did confront him about the group text that occurred a month ago, and he confirmed it was true that he agreed with R. He said he didn't want to tell me because he knew it'd hurt my feelings. I know he did offer to leave the group before, but I'm still feeling off on how he didn't even defend me in the first place.

KrytenKoro

That's...pretty snake in the grass, there.

Very two-faced.

pernicies

Probably hoping she would leave the group and break up with bf then he could swoop in with her none the wiser he was part of the reason she got pushed out.

OOP

I certainly hope not, but now I'm not sure. For starters, my best friend is gay. Despite R's shitty attitude, he's a charmer and caught my best friend's attention for sure. At first I thought he agreed with R because he had a crush on him, but a week before my original post my best friend admitted to me that while he was attracted to guys, he said he finds me different from most girls and would love to have a relationship if I wasn't with my boyfriend. I really hope that's not the case though.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/HippoOk9111, account now suspended

Originally posted to r/amiwrong

Am I wrong for not giving my cheating wife another chance?

Trigger Warnings: >!infidelity, manipulation!<

Original Post (Preserved in AmItheAngel automod): February 25, 2024

Me (39m) and my wife (33f) have been together for 13 years. She recently went away on a girls trip. I was not worried at all. I have never had a reason to distrust her, she has never done anything to give me an cause for concern, and it’s not like she was even going abroad. She was going to a BUTLINS half an hour away for gods sake. She went with her sister and a few other girls.

She called me up this morning, and I didn’t expect anything other than her checking in. She’s only been away 1 night of a 3 night trip. When I answered she was crying, and incoherent. When I finally calmed her down she told me she had slept with someone else the night before. Supposedly, she met a guy, who SHE approached, they flirted a little, and danced together, and she thought that was as far as it would go. But he supposedly just charmed her into a kiss, which turned to making out, which turned to her asking him to walk her back to her hotel, which turned into them having sex.

She says nothing was amiss — He wasn’t pushy, or weird, and they actually had sex multiple times, because she would say they need to stop, and he would stop immediately, and then after a few minutes she’d want him to carry on and he would. And he supposedly “never even finished” because of the stop/starting. This supposedly went on for 3 hours and she eventually said stop for good and asked him to leave, and he did.

The guy is supposedly 10 years younger than her, and she said she lied and told him she was going through a divorce. She says she doesn’t know what came over her, and she just wanted to “see if she still had it” but got carried away.

14 years, married for 10, and we have a 7 year old daughter. I want to leave her. She’s begging me not too, offering marriage counselling, never going out again, never drinking again etc etc. I’ve always been a one chance sort of guy. I just told her to go fuck herself and have been ignoring her since about 10am. Now her friends and sister are calling me too. They apparently had no idea she’d even gone home with him. They saw them talking but thought nothing of it. I just want them all to leave me alone.

I told my mum about it and she said I should “think of my family” and that my wife seems genuinely remorseful and didn’t try and hide anything, and came clean straight away. That it’s “not like she had an affair” and that is bad as it is this is “best case scenario” after that conversation I feel like I’m insane. Am I wrong for not even considering forgiving her?

TOP COMMENTS

Beneficial_Syrup_869

You’re not wrong at all, she broke your trust. Now every time she goes anywhere will she do this again? And she didn’t have sex with him 1x she told you it was multiple times.

Turn your phone off and take your daughter out for a meal. Spend time with her before your wife gets home and starts love bombing you both and strong arming you.

Sea-Boot7413

You can forgive and forget but understand you DONT have to accept and stay

Edit: Please understand I didn’t say he had to forget what she’s done and stay with her. I said forgive her for what’s she’s done but that doesn’t mean you have to stay because at the end of the day a very important boundary was broken by CHOICE so he also deserves that same choice of being able to say “I choose to walk away from this because of your actions to disrespect my boundaries” When I say forget I mean forget the person from before the transgression, that person is no longer there. So that person is gone, the person you loved didn’t cheat on you, that person is now in the past. So forget that person and understand the person before you now is some entirely new and move accordingly to who they are NOW and not who they once were.

No_Association9968

Trust is broken- You are not wrong. Some will do marriage counselling, but I personally couldn’t forgive this. 3 hours of deception is a long time and she knew it was wrong.

I’m so sorry op - I get the one and done 💯.

Usual_Ostrich_8597

Dude leave. All those times she was “stopping” the other guy to continue, she probably was questioning if she should continue… and guess what… she did multiple times.

Update (recovered with wayback machine): February 25, 2024 (same day, 9 hours later)

Update

So my wife came home tonight, after giving me the day to cool off. I asked to see the guy. Idk why maybe I’m a sucker for punishment. And of course he looks like a superhero. So that’s great. Guy looks like Anthony Joshua or something. For the record, my wife, is beautiful. Like perfect teeth, works out regularly etc. I am not ugly, but I am just a typical english guy. Not overweight, but could probably lose a few pounds, bit of a dad bod etc. Still have a full head of hair which is nice. I always felt so lucky to be with her. She was an amazing partner, an amazing mother, funny, intelligent etc.

I asked her to lay out what happened to me in more detail. I wanted to catch any lies/changes in the story/test her consistency. She basically says she was at the bar and the guy was stood next to her, they glanced at each other, and she said “where did you come from?” to him. He asked what she meant and she says she said he “was the first handsome man she’d seen”. And that’s how the conversation got started. As for her telling him she was divorcing, that happened when he glanced down, noticed her ring, and asked her about it. Apparently once she said that he went on to say “not like I give a fuck either way”. What a gent.

I asked if she thinks he could have slipped her anything, and she says it’s impossible, because they only did shots together. I asked if she took any drugs, and she admitted to doing coke with her friends, which isn’t all that surprising, if you’re from the UK and you’re into drinking culture it’s pretty standard.

A few of you seem to be American, so let me explain what exactly a “butlins” is. It’s basically a holiday resort, usually for families, but they sometimes host adult exclusive weekends where it’s a pretty big party place. It’s cheap, and grimy, and can be a lot of fun. People dress up, there’s djs, live music, multiple venues and late night entertainment etc. As for people saying she got caught by her friends, she actually didn’t. She disappeared with the guy and went home with him. Texted her friends she was tired and wanted to go to sleep, and as they are on the resort and the hotel is like a 3 minute walk they all just said to text when she was safe in her room.

She was sharing a room with her sister, but she was in their other friend’s room drinking and doing coke because they thought she was sleeping. She told the guy to leave at around 6am because she thought her sister might be coming back soon as that’s when the party usually winds down. I asked her how many times she had sex with the guy and she said 4 or 5, lasting between 5-10 minutes each time.

Apparently even after cheating she never thought she’d sleep with the guy. She says she just wanted to give him oral, so she did that, but the guy said he could only finish through sex. She didn’t believe him, until 20 minutes later he still wasn’t done so she gave up and climbed on top of him. But then after about 5 minutes she thought “what the fuck am I doing” and got off him. Then laid there and cuddled him and drank more, and then 10 minutes later they would be touching each other again. This repeated 4 or 5 times. She says that she kept thinking “it was wrong” but then would think “it’s too late now anyway, so might as well carry on” and basically go through a loop of that.

I asked her why she felt the need to see if she still had it, and she says since she hit 30 she’s been self conscious of her aging. That when she spots a new wrinkle or something it drives her to tears. She said that chatting to the guy made her feel young again, and she latched onto that. Also apparently the guy was there with a girl, who my wife said “looked like a younger version of herself”, and the guy pointed her out to my wife and said “that girl over there watching us has a crush on me” and laughed about it. After he had been talking to my wife for like 30 minutes the girl had enough, walked over and kicked the table, spilling the guys drink and then stormed off. She says that the guy picking her over a younger woman drove her ego crazy, and that was when she decided to kiss him.

I asked her why she even told me, and she said that when she woke up, she saw I’d sent a selfie of me and our daughter eating pizza together, and it sent her into a nervous breakdown. That she was wailing and sobbing so loud it woke up her sister, and that’s when she confessed. Her sister told her she was insane for what she did, and wasn’t very comforting and then left the room mad at her which made it worse, and that’s when she called me.

I have asked her to leave the house for a few days, and she is staying at her mother’s house while I decide what I want to do. She begged me not to make her leave, but she did when I said it was the least she could do after blowing up our entire lives over wrinkles making her sad.

As for my mother, she still thinks I should forgive her. For context my dad died about a year ago, and my wife has really been a rock for my mum. I cannot see her as much as I would like, due to my work, but my wife is a self employed lash/nail tech and has a lot of free time, which she uses to spend with my mum, to keep her company, do her hair, and have girly days to try and make sure she doesn’t get lonely (like I said, she was such a perfect partner). No I don’t think my mum is a cheater or whatever, and she is very angry at my wife. But she loves her. And she just wants everything to be okay.

My daughter has no idea what is happening, she was already asleep when my wife came and went again. She will just think mummy is still on holiday.

I still have no idea what I’m going to do. Honestly I’m still reeling. But that’s basically everything.

TOP COMMENTS

Foreverbroke12

What happens when she turns 40? 50? When she gets her first grey hair? Menopause? She cheated because she got scared of getting older but she still going to keep getting older. And not to mention from the story while the guy seems like a dick she seems like not a great role model either if she was totally okay with helping him hurt that other girls feelings

PhazerSC

Her sister told her she was insane for what she did Your wife's sister is absolutely on point. This was rough to read through as an outsider, can't imagine how shitty it is to experience firsthand.

International_Box809

If she knows she can get away with it, she will do it again.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/mariaMK21. She posted in r/AITAH.

I added paragraphs for readability.

Mood Spoiler: >!happy ending!<

Original Post: February 20, 2024

hi, i know i sound like the asshole right from the get go but please hear me out.

I 39F got married to my 42M husband 5 years ago. He had 3 kids at the time who are now 10F, 14F and 17M. I got along with them really well for the first year, they didnt call me mom or anything which was never ever enforced, i always let them know that they were allowed to call me by my first name.

Their mom has not liked me from the start, she has constantly showed up to my door step yelling at me saying im trying to steal her kids. I have tried to sit down and talk to her explaining that her kids love her and would never replace their mom. She still continues to tell them that rubbish.

At around the 2 and a half year mark the kids started pulling pranks on me, i assumed it was harmless like putting baby powder in my hair dryer, or greasing up the stairs. Looking back on it, it shouldve been a sign. The rubbish their mom kept telling them eventually got to them, with her going as far as saying "she was the mistress which is why daddy and i divorced" which is completely NOT true.

The kids would then start disobeying me, it all started little. Like not putting their shoes away, leaving dirty clothes on the floor. Then it down spiraled from there. They would start screaming at me, the eldest going as far as calling me a "home wrecking whore" which honestly left me in tears.

These past 4 years ive been subjected to bullying within my own home. I have spoken to my husband SEVERAL times about all these situations. He brushes it off saying theyre still adjusting to change or, its all "just jokes". Yesterday was my final straw when the 17M and 14F sold my gold earrings that were from my grandma and they split the money. I told my husband that i was getting a divorce because i could no longer do this. He begged and pleaded with me and said "don't you care about the kids?" I told him i didnt care about them one single bit. Im at my parents house now and he keeps texting and apologising saying he'll buy me new ones, i am yet to respond. AITA?

Comment:

Police report:

Commenter: Depends on the value of the earrings stolen and the state in which this occurred. 17M and 14F maybe charged with grand larceny if it was expensive enough which is a felony which can have minors tried as adult in some states. The one i can name on the top of is California and Florida

OOP: hey, Thanks for letting me know. I am actually located in florida 

There is no consensus bot on AITAH, but a majority were NTA

Update Post 1: February 22, 2024 (2 days later)

Hey guys!

These past days have been hard for me. Especially with all thats happened. I took the advice and went to the police station and filled a report. The police said theyd see what can be done. Im guessing they did show up to my ex-husbands house because he kept calling me non stop. He called me all sorts of names which i took screenshots of and sent to my lawyer. I have indeed contacted a divorce lawyer and will start the process in the next few weeks! Thank you so much everyone, an update wont come out for a while tho because im still figuring things out.

Update Post 2: February 25, 2024 (3 days later, 5 days from OG post)

thank you so much for all the support everyone its so kind and i actually cried 😭❤️

I was able to get my earrings back!! They were sold on facebook market place and after the police found out who my ex-husbands kids sold them too. The buyer was so nice and understanding and gave them back to me, i tried to give them $100 for the inconvenience but they just wouldn't let me 😭. The punishments they got was that the 14 year old receives a warning and the 17 year old is looking at about 100hrs community service and the warning permanetly on his record. Their father has repeatedly been harrasing me on social media calling me petty and every name under the sun. It has all been forwarded to my lawyer and the process is going smoothly. Thank you so much everyone for the support and kindness!! 🥹

Editor's note: Because I know it will come up, here are some comments discussing how fast the judicial system works. You can skip this if you don't care, I just thought it was interesting.

Commenter: Your kids went through the court process and got punishments in about 5 days?

Commenter: "14 year old receives a warning and the 17 year old is looking at about 100hrs community service and the warning permanetly on his record."

My interpretation is the 14yo isn't going to court and that is the likely punishment the 17 yo if found guilty. So no court as yet but that will be what happens if OP pushes forward with one.

Commenter: Not surprising to me.

Here in the U.K., the 17yo could have been held overnight, brought before the Magistrates next morning, Guilty plea from 17yo, sentenced and out. The 14yo might have just got a police caution, especially if her older brother accepted all the blame for her involvement.

Possession of cannabis years ago at Glastonbury festival. One friend took the blame, in Court next morning, plead Guilty, fined and out - everyone else walked out of the station next morning, no charge.

We did all chip in to pay his fine…

Commenter: The police themselves being on top of this isn't a big stretch for me. Even in hillbilly hell the county sheriff and the deputies get straight to work to get things done. The court part is fishy, but I have no experience with family/juvenile court. For adults it can take 30 days in county jail before seeing a judge to even get freaking bail, much less a sentence. At least that's what it was for ex son in law #3, but he was a repeat offender on parole.

Commenter: childrens court for offences like this do not take very long as they are minor. 

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Strange-Box-7599. He posted in r/amiwrong.

Thanks to u/Literally_Taken for recommending this post.

A reminder: DO NOT COMMENT on the Original Posts or message OOP.

Trigger Warning: >!depression!<

Mood Spoiler: >!just all around oof. You'll get frustrated reading this.!<

Original Post: February 23, 2024

My wife (30F) and I (32M) have been married for 6 years. We have 2 kids, aged 1 and 3. She’s a stay at home mom and I work a regular 9-5 job Monday-Friday. We take turns looking after the kids when I get home and on weekends. She does most of house chores, but we do split the cooking. I appreciate all she’s done for the kids, and for the house.

However, over the past year, since we had our second kid, she has become emotionally distant, and I find it hard to strike meaningful conversations with her. Our sex life is great, but apart from that, she seems to not want to put in the mental effort to have any conversations. It’s all really bland, and our whole life has become really monotonous. I fell in love with her because we used to have such great conversations and joke around, and emotionally meshed really well together. Now, it just isn’t the case anymore. She doesn’t even want to have fun, like go on dates, or have movie nights. She does enjoy sex, but that’s about it. She doesn’t even hangout with any of her friends, and just has a sad demeanor around her. She’s just stuck in the house all day. I do not enjoy living with her anymore. I fell in love with her personality and her joyful energy, and this is no longer the person who I fell in love with.

I have been hanging out with my sister (29F) more frequently over the last few months. My wife doesn’t even care who I hang out with or if I come home late. It’s like she’s given up on the relationship all together. Hanging out with my sister has been such a mental relief for me, as I have someone else I can talk to and have meaningful conversations with. Someone I can laugh with, someone I can talk to about life. We hangout a couple of days a week, and it’s the part of the week I most look forward to. We plan out picnics, movie nights, dinners, brunches. My sister told me I should consider divorcing my wife because she isn’t meeting my emotional needs, and I agree. I appreciate my wife for taking care of the house and the kids. If we do proceed with the divorce, I am fine with the house going to my wife. I will just move in with my sister temporarily till I find a new house. I do still plan on being actively involved in my kids lives, as they are the two people I love the most in the world.

I am probably going to proceed with the divorce, but a part of me cannot just forget the years we’ve been together. It just makes a sad that it’s come to this stage. This will come as a massive shock to my wife if I bring the divorce topic up. A small part of me still thinks I am wrong for doing this and am a massive AH. But have I been left with any choice?

OOP didn't leave any comments, but the top comment on the post was this:

Dude what? Your wife sounds like she’s going through depression. She is only a year post-partum. You need to be having a conversation with her about the changes in her and urge her to see a doctor.

This is the “in sickness” part of your “in sickness and health” vows. You guys made this second baby together and you need to help her through all parts of that, including the post-partum depression she seems to be experiencing. Don’t knock her up and then ditch her when she’s still reeling from being knocked up.

Man up and take care of your wife.

Update Post: February 24, 2024 (Next Day)

I have messed everything up and am at a crossroads now, and I really need some advice on how to proceed.

I do not know much about depression and did not consider the possibility that my wife was depressed. My wife is really sensitive and I wanted to broach this topic as gently as possible last night. When my wife was done putting our 3 year old to sleep, I asked her if she could come over to the couch and I’d give her a leg massage. She said she was extremely tired and wanted to go to sleep, so I asked her if I could just give her the massage on the bed while she’s sleeping. She really liked that suggestion, and thanked me.

While I was giving her the massage, I thanked her again for all she’s doing for the kids. I told her I could not be more grateful to have her as a wife and as a mother to our kids. She got a bit emotional and thanked me too for working hard at my job and for providing for the family. I then asked her if there’s a reason she stopped hanging out with her friends, and I could stay at the house and take care of the kids if she wanted to go out for a bit. She said the kids are her primary priority, and she just doesn’t have the energy for any social interactions. I told her I am a bit burnt out too, and suggested if we could go to couples therapy together, where we could just talk about our life with a professional. She surprisingly seemed open to the suggestion, and I was really happy about it.

However, here’s where I messed up a lot. I still had some thoughts about separation and divorce, so I just told her that I don’t think I’m the best husband for her. This surprised her a lot, and I could notice her immediate shift in reaction. She told me I am the best husband she could ever hope for. She then got up to kiss me, but I was a bit messed up mentally, so I just moved away from the kiss and rejected her. I have never done this with her ever. She was extremely hurt, I could see it in her face, and this hurt me even more. She then asked if there’s anything she needed to do be a better wife. I really shouldn’t have said what I said next. I asked her if she could be more happy and have a positive energy around her, and if we could have more engaging conversations. She then started crying a bit and started apologizing a lot, and said she’ll try to put on a more happy face from now on. I felt like an absolute monster when I saw her crying then, and I told her there was no reason to apologize, and it hurts me to see her like this. I then asked if we could bring my sister around to the house more often, so she could transmit her positive energy to my wife. Looking back, that was probably the worst thing I could have said, and I am still regretting saying that. She then excused herself to go to the restroom and when she came back, I could see that she had probably cried a lot in the restroom. I kept apologizing for what I said but she said there was no need to apologize and she would try and be a better wife from now on.

Come morning, she has been having a positive attitude, but it looks forced, especially when she’s smiling. I eavesdropped on her when she went to the restroom earlier today and I could hear some sobbing. I really want to undo what I have done because it pains me to see her like this. I don’t want to see her crying. We have been married for 6 years, but we’ve been together for more than a decade. We are each other’s first and only love. I really don’t want to see her like this, it’s never been like this.

I am at my sister’s now and gave her the lowdown on what happened. She told me I should still divorce her because what my wife’s experiencing can impact my mental health too, and that could affect my work, because I really need to go to work on a positive frame of mind as my work requires a lot of mental energy. I usually go to my sister for these big life decisions because I know she always wants the best for me.

However, I am still conflicted because my wife supported me through my worst phases. When I fractured my leg a few years ago and was in a really bad mood for months, she was the one who stuck by me, and was the light of my life when it felt like everything was crashing down. She supported me when I was doing my post grad and got my masters. I can honestly say I wouldn’t have gotten my master’s degree without her support. There are numerous other examples where she’s always been by my side and supported me. We are husband and wife we’re supposed to stick with each other for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. We took these vows. I don’t want to desert her or leave her when I think about the countless instances she’s always been by my side.

However, what my sister has said is also sticking on my mind, because when I come home from work, I really want a positive home atmosphere, as I can then perform better at work. However, at home, I am getting a depressive atmosphere, and even though my wife has been putting on a positive attitude this morning, I know she’s faking it, and it makes me feel worse. I want my wife to be genuinely happy and fun, so she can better experience life. I really don’t know what to do anymore. If we do separate, I will support my wife to the fullest financially.

Again, do not comment on OOP's original posts or dm him. I don't care if you think he's the biggest dick in the world or if you think he's a saint- commenting/dm-ing goes against the rules of reddit and counts as brigading. You will be banned and you put the entire sub at risk of being shut down.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Educational_Pick_368

AITA For telling my husband that my stepdaughter can’t return home until she pays my daughter back

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRU

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: >!destruction of property, verbal abuse, parental neglect, suicide attempt, bullying, shunning!<

Original Post  Feb 13, 2024

I (30 f) have a 14 year old daughter Leia. Married my husband Mark (46 M) 6 years ago. He has two children from a previous marriage Koi (16 M) and Coral (14f).

Me and Mark have the kids full time but his kids live with their mom for a few weeks during the summer. They moved into my lake house which has five bedrooms. Two of the bedrooms upstairs have bathrooms. My daughter had one of those rooms. But as the girls began high school Coral began complaining about not having a bathroom and said it’s unfair. Mark and Koi told her to stop complaining.

Leía said it was fine and asked us if she could turn the basement into her room. I didn’t like that idea but she begged. So I agreed. Turns out my daughter wanted a room makeover so this worked out. We give the kids allowance and allowed them to get a work permit.

Koi worked at an arcade and told the girls he could get them jobs. Coral refused to work but Leia agreed. After five months of saving her allowance, she able to buy everything she needed to decorate. Coral never bothered to go down there because she believed it was full of spiders, but Koi was down there everyday helping her.

After a week she completely transformed the basement. She invited everyone down, and it was stunning. I didn’t even know that computer towers could be clear. She looked so proud. Coral then screamed that it wasn’t fair and that she wanted the basement now.

Everyone began yelling at her but she began crying and before we know it she ran over to the computer and threw the tower on the ground. The glass shattered and one of the monitors fell to the floor also breaking.

My daughter cried. I explained to Mark that Coral has to pay for this. He said her emotions are just high and that we’ll get situated when everything calms down. I ran to Coral and yelled saying that she’s on punishment. Mark didn’t agree but I didn’t care. Coral was unnecessarily crying, and ran to her mothers car.

Koi was trying to help my daughter, and Mark tried to hand her 300 dollars but Koi explained that Coral caused about a thousand dollars worth of damages. He said luckily the expensive pieces in the case were saved, but the case itself was about 450 and the monitor was 200. Mark explained that he doesn’t have that kind of money. So I said she can’t come back until my daughters stuff is repaired with a sincere apology. Koi agreed and mark was upset saying he couldn’t do that to his daughter. I told him to leave if that’s the case.

Mark left for a few hours and handed my daughter a check for 1000 dollars. I explained that Coral can’t come back if there is no punishment.

My husband’s ex wife is saying that I’m banning her from our home because she didn’t deserve that bigger space and that we were treating Coral unfairly. But I said she did that there was nothing unfair about the situation. The Ex just hung up.

Now my husband’s ex in laws are bombarding him with phone calls saying he’s a horrible dad. His sister even said he’s being a bad parent and they’re best friends so it’s really getting to him. This happened last night and he hasn’t gotten up yet. Should I apologize?

Aita

RELEVANT COMMENTS

I3ex_G

Nta but this is the man you choose to be around your daughter? This issue is bigger than his daughter, you need to re-evaluate your marriage and go to counselling to get on the same page

OOP

Neither Coral or Mark acted this way until Coral started high school. The girls we best friends. And Mark and I always agreed on how to handle the kids. I guess because Coral has never been this mean kid, he doesn’t know how to handle it.

~

ayeffgee

Unpopular opinion..YTAH

There's obviously more going on then just this incident. I'm sure Coral feels out of place there since you and Leia obviously have a closer bond. Divorce   and blending families isn't easy but, I do think that everyone would benefit from family therapy. Seems like Coral is the odd man out  and she is struggling with this family dynamic.

I agree that there needs to be some type of consequence for her actions, but banning her is excessive. After all, she lives with you like you said. You'd be kicking out a 14 year old. Would you kick out your own daughter if rolls were reversed?

OOP

This is 100% not true. If anything me and Coral were closer because we have similar interests. In fact this was a problem when the girls were ten. But everything got solved. Everywhere Leia goes Coral goes and vise versa. Me and my husband have been married for 6 years and she has never displayed this behavior.

I would 100% separate the girls. Leia only had one home Coral has two. Leia can’t go anywhere else to she only has me

When someone called her an evil stepmother

A highschool freshman shouldn’t complain. At her mother’s house she has her own room with a bathroom. Leia was nice enough to switch from the room she has been in her whole life. Coral literally yelled at everyone when Leia didn’t agree at first then threatened to start rumors about her. So once we felt helpless and gave in, I’m not about to do it again.

She should absolutely be yelled at for doing it a second time. My daughter worked hard for stuff and shouldn’t be constantly terrorized for earning it. The girls had the same opportunities. She could have easily decorated her room if she worked with her sister.

I hope that if someone damages your kids stuff that they worked for, that you protect them. Not enable the person that does wrong

Update - 8 hours later  Feb 13, 2024

Here is the original https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/yV5al7kGpA

I found out the complete story and there is a lot of drama. It’s over a boy. So both my daughters are cheerleaders and it’s a Valentine’s Day dance coming up. All of Corals friends are cheerleaders and they all date football players except her. So for the past month her friends have been trying to hook her up with Brad. But it turns out he is interested in Leia.

After all the games Brad talked with Leia. So Coral came up with a rumor that Leia plays roblox. It’s not really a rumor, but Brad found out. So after school a few days before the incident, Coral tells Brad how childish Leia is for still playing roblox. And Brad says he doesn’t think it’s childish. Turns out him and his friends play and then invited Leia to Join them. Then yesterday after school in the hallway, Brad had his friends recorded this big proposal to the dance that included flowers and chocolate and Leia accepted.

Apparently Coral was crying at cheerleading practice and Leia went up to ask what’s wrong and if she needs anything. Coral and her friends started cursing Leia out. So Leia just backed off.

Then this morning Coral posted on Facebook about how Leia is the favorite child and that she was kicked out of her decorated bedroom in order for Leia to have it. Her mom (Drea) had also posted something similar.

Koi didn’t want this to ruin Leia’s reputation. So he posted everything about their lies. He also posted a picture of the shattered case. And explained how everything Coral said was a lie and how Leia was nice enough to give up her bedroom.

Drea also called us some horrible names. Then Koi responded that the reason the custody is no longer 50/50 is because Drea’s husband hates kids.

Apparently Coral didn’t know this but Drea sent my husband a text saying he knows how her husband feels about the kids being here, so he needs to make up with her and let her come home. Mark then screenshot this and sent it to Coral. She came home and went straight to her room she, skipped practice.

Leia is on her way, so when she gets home we’ll have a family meeting.

Update 2 - 2 hours after 1st update  Feb 13, 2024

Update 2: Aita for kicking my stepdaughter out?

Update 2 to https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/OpWagqh717

So we had a long talk. Coral came down and apologized to Leia. And she was jealous about Brad. She also apologized to me for lying to her aunt. She believed that Leia got everything she asked for. So I had her explain and the only thing she said was Brad. As I was about to explain Mark stepped in and told her that wasn’t everything.

Mark then explained everything Coral got which included a room makeover which Leia had to pay for on her own. A brand new laptop after Leia had to pay for her entire computer setup. He then asked is this really about a guy that she doesn’t have anything in common with?

Coral then told us how popular he was and that because Leia is a nerd they don’t mesh. Other than cheerleading, Leia is in quiz bowl and a robot making club. Leia explained now that football was over Brad was also in those clubs and so are his friends who the other cheerleaders date.

Coral than began crying again because after the Facebook post her friends explained that their boyfriends don’t want to be involved with a liar and advised them to stop hanging with her so they didn’t sit with her at lunch today.

Mark calmly told her that was her own doing. She broke down and said I know. Mark then held her in his arms and apologized about sending her the screenshot and explained that I wasn’t the bad guy. She then explained that Drea told her that I forced mark to get full custody so that we all could be one big happy family. So that along with the Brad situation made her lash out.

She then ran to hug me saying how sorry she was. And looked a Leia and apologized once again. I brought up family therapy and everyone agreed. Coral took the post down already and apologized to Leia publicly.

I know things are looking up but without friends and this situation with her mom, I’m not sure what’s going to happen

##NEW UPDATE * TRIGGER WARNING: >!suicide attempt, bullying, shunning!<

Update 3  Feb 25, 2024

So things did not get better. We went to one therapy session as a family and it went great. And the girls started hanging out again. Coral got her friends back and everything seemed normal.

However when the girls went to the dance it wasn’t good. Brad and Leia were dancing and coral became jealous again looking at them. So she told her friends her plan was to pour juice on Leia. Coral believed that her friends had her back because apparently they all laughed and agreed to help her.

Leia had on a blush dress so the drink would have easily been visible. The plan was for Leia to leave so Coral could dance with Brad. But as the group made their way over to Leia, one of the girls pushed the cup up so it spilled back on Coral. The girl said “oops” and her friends began laughing at her. She ran out crying and called her dad to pick her up.

Later that night the girls had told Coral that she was just being mean and vindictive at this point so they were tired of her behavior then removed her from the group chat. They added Leia to the group and she told me everything when she got back.

At school Coral tried to apologize to her friends but they ignored her. So she left school. We spent the whole day looking for her and found her at her aunts. She was truthful with her aunt and she explained that her behavior is what caused her to lose her friends. We were there at the point and complained everyone was against her.

Later that night Coral tried to take her life. We found her in time. So now she’s spending time at the hospital. I really don’t know where to go from here. My house has been peaceful and I feel bad that I feel good about that. But I hope the Coral gets the help she needs.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/I'll_Perspective_3943

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

My husband thinks I slept with another man but the reality is different.

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!Infidelity, harassment, emotional manipulation!<

Original Post: January 5, 2024

I caught my husband of 10 years cheating on me with multiple women. He bragged about how he was able to get laid. I know one woman who is 19 years old. It seems like it was just an ego boost for him. I always knew he had issues with his ego. He was a very insecure man. Whenever someone does something better than him he would get jealous. Looking back I regret choosing him. Because I thought that he was a sweet person, so it didn’t matter of he is a bit egotistical. When I found out that he was cheating, I left him and took my kids with me. I also exposed his affairs. He has since been begging me to take him back. I know for sure he is begging because his mom kicked his ass.

No one is taking his side. His last straw is to make me reconcile with him so that he is somewhat acceptable. I refused. Because all the things he said about me, about my body, he can never come back from it. I nearly died after giving birth to my son and all he said was that my body is ruined. So my friend gave me an idea to hook up with someone else as a revenge. I was hesitant. I am not someone who can do random hookups. So I staged a lie. With the help of my friends, I staged having a revenge affair. The last time he came to convince me he said he cut off all contact with his AP and got himself into therapy. I wasn’t satisfied. I wanted to crush his ego and crush his confidence. I told him that I slept with someone else. At first he didn’t believe me. Told me I was lying. I pulled out my phone where there was text exchange between me and a random guy which was just me and my friends chatting. We exchanged pics (fake pics) and there were spicy messages. He started to believe me.

He pestered to know more about this guy. I made up a story how he is someone I met at the gym. I can see him losing his shit. He started cursing me "how can you do this to me". He started asking me questions "did you use protection" "how many times did you do it" "did he make me come". The last thing that actually broke him was when he asked my friend about it. She is the friend with whom I'm staying currently. She lied to him and said that we were making noises all night. And I send my kids to my mom's for that. I can see my cheating husband having a meltdown. He really thought he was all that. I might end up hooking up with a random person because I am done with him and I'm done with our marriage.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Shacuras Honestly, this is probably better than actually having a revenge affair.

OOP: To be honest, my heart is still loyal to my marriage. No matter how much I hate him he is still, on paper, my husband. I cannot disrespect my vows.

InSaneWhiSper You're still married to him????

OOP: We separated 6 months ago. I left home. I filed for divorce. We are legally married but there is some custody issues.

Update: February 25, 2024

Today seems like a good day to give you guys an update. No I'm still not divorced. We recently just finished the discussion about the custody. There was a lot of back and forth. He wanted majority of the custody knowing well he knows nothing about child care. Finally we decided that I will get majority of the custody and he will get visitation. Probably the reason why he choose this is because he wanted to keep up with hus bachelor life without the responsibility of the family. My daughter has stopped asking question. I think deep down she knows her dad messed up. I have signed my daughter and son up for therapy.

As for me, I'm not dating. I'm also not interested in a one night stand. I opened tinder and yeah I got a lot of messages. It was a shock to me as well lol. Not bragging but it made me sad because all these men just want a fling. I'm a romantic person. I want someone who can spoil me. I want someone who will hold me tight and say nice things. I want to rely on someone for mt emotional needs and he will be there for me. Just like I will be there for them. I regret wasting so many years of my life over a man who won't do that. But I guess I am one the unlucky first wives lol.

My ex is still trying to convince me to reconsider. He made so many excuses that I can write a book about it and then give classes about gaslighting 101. I did something petty again. I listed number of things he could've done instead of cheating and forwarded the list to him. He was mad at me. But it worked because he stopped giving me excuses. I will be fine. Just a little down. I am trying to stay positive for my kids. Just like Gloria Gaynor's song, I will survive. I will update in another good day when life will get better.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Beginning-Working-38 I’m amazed an insecure weasel like him was able to get multiple women to sleep with him.

OOP: Just like guys some girls have low standards or are just very insecure about themselves.

Noirjyre Sounds like he wants no child support. Rather than actually wanting the kids. Stay strong no need to punish yourself for his mistakes.

OOP: Which is funny because child support is exactly the same amount of money he would've spent either way if we stayed together. Kids cost money. One thing I will give it to him is that he wasn’t stingy when it came to paying bills when it came to the kids.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP